2:00:00 > 2:00:00THE BLAME GAME NIG S083N/01 BRD000000
1:16:42 > 1:16:45Hello, hello. And welcome to The Blame Game,
1:16:45 > 1:16:49the show that is funnier than a Slab Murphy tax return.
1:16:49 > 1:16:53Yes, we've got more laughs than Jose Mourinho has P45s.
1:16:55 > 1:16:58I'm met Tim McGarry and our special ones tonight are of course,
1:16:58 > 1:17:00Colin Murphy...
1:17:00 > 1:17:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:17:03 > 1:17:04..Jake O'Kane...
1:17:04 > 1:17:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:17:07 > 1:17:09..and Neil Delamere.
1:17:09 > 1:17:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:17:12 > 1:17:16And our special guest tonight is a fantastic comedian.
1:17:16 > 1:17:20He was in the cult series Skins, he was the face of MTV
1:17:20 > 1:17:24and starred in BBC 3's hugely successful Impractical Jokers.
1:17:24 > 1:17:27Please welcome the hilarious Mr Joel Dommett.
1:17:27 > 1:17:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:17:34 > 1:17:39Now, one big story this week was of course Pastor McConnell's court case.
1:17:39 > 1:17:40The pastor has been accused
1:17:40 > 1:17:43of making grossly offensive remarks about Islam.
1:17:43 > 1:17:45Now, whatever you think of his sermon,
1:17:45 > 1:17:48the vital issue of freedom of speech is at stake here.
1:17:48 > 1:17:51And I want to tell the pastor and everyone else watching that,
1:17:51 > 1:17:55no matter the court decides, we on The Blame Game will not be silenced.
1:17:55 > 1:17:59We will say what we want, which is why we can reveal
1:17:59 > 1:18:02exclusively tonight that Gerry Adams...
1:18:02 > 1:18:05NO SOUND
1:18:07 > 1:18:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
1:18:14 > 1:18:16..membership card.
1:18:16 > 1:18:18So, what is our first question tonight?
1:18:18 > 1:18:21Our first question tonight is who do you blame
1:18:21 > 1:18:25for refugees not being told they were coming to Belfast?
1:18:28 > 1:18:32Yes, 1,000 Syrian refugees have arrived in the UK.
1:18:32 > 1:18:37From this 1,000, 51 refugees have now been sent to Northern Ireland.
1:18:37 > 1:18:39You'll have no trouble recognising them,
1:18:39 > 1:18:42they are the ones holding the short straws.
1:18:46 > 1:18:48The new arrivals have to undergo security checks.
1:18:48 > 1:18:51If anyone is found to have any sort of terrorist links,
1:18:51 > 1:18:55they will immediately be asked if they want to become an MLA.
1:18:55 > 1:18:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
1:19:01 > 1:19:05But who can we blame for refugees not been told
1:19:05 > 1:19:07they were coming to Belfast?
1:19:07 > 1:19:10Yes, the news report said that some of the people had no idea
1:19:10 > 1:19:12they were coming here.
1:19:12 > 1:19:14They were told, I don't know whether it was to put them off,
1:19:14 > 1:19:17they thought if they tell them, they'll go,
1:19:17 > 1:19:19"No, I'm grand in the refugee camp, you're fine."
1:19:19 > 1:19:22They were told basically, yes, they were going to the UK
1:19:22 > 1:19:25and some of them thought they were going to London
1:19:25 > 1:19:29and one of the people escorting the people to where they were staying
1:19:29 > 1:19:32said the guy on the bus on the way in from the airport was still
1:19:32 > 1:19:36convinced they were in London until he saw Cave Hill and he went, "Oh!"
1:19:36 > 1:19:39And he realised this ain't London.
1:19:39 > 1:19:43Yes, so they were convinced that they...
1:19:43 > 1:19:45well, that they weren't here.
1:19:45 > 1:19:47Cos these people have suffered enough.
1:19:47 > 1:19:51The last thing you want to do is make them feel any worse.
1:19:51 > 1:19:54So they came here and they're in a secret location,
1:19:54 > 1:19:57this is the thing, a secret location in Belfast,
1:19:57 > 1:20:00and everybody said to them, "You're safe now. You're safe here.
1:20:00 > 1:20:03"But if you go out, don't tell anyone where you're living."
1:20:03 > 1:20:07And they go, "Why?" "It's for your own safety."
1:20:07 > 1:20:09So that is true.
1:20:09 > 1:20:11Nobody knows where they're staying.
1:20:11 > 1:20:15It's like a Big Brother house before they release them into the house.
1:20:15 > 1:20:17So they're staying somewhere in Belfast
1:20:17 > 1:20:20and they are slightly confused as to where they are
1:20:20 > 1:20:24because I saw the news and local children had made cards
1:20:24 > 1:20:28to welcome these people which didn't really help, it confuses matters
1:20:28 > 1:20:32even more, cos some of the cards said, "Welcome to Northern Ireland."
1:20:32 > 1:20:35Some of them said, "Welcome to Ireland."
1:20:35 > 1:20:38Some of them said. "Welcome to the UK."
1:20:38 > 1:20:42Some of them said, "Sorry for your trouble." You know, it's just...
1:20:42 > 1:20:43It's all very complicated.
1:20:43 > 1:20:46First, we don't know where they're going to be re-homed.
1:20:46 > 1:20:49It'd be brilliant if they get rehomed quite close to this studio
1:20:49 > 1:20:52because the idea of somebody going, "We know you've suffered
1:20:52 > 1:20:55"and the violence and turmoil of the Middle East, so we've got you
1:20:55 > 1:20:58"out of Syria and we're going to put you in the Holy Land."
1:20:58 > 1:21:02- Yeah.- That would be brilliant.
1:21:02 > 1:21:04APPLAUSE
1:21:06 > 1:21:09But apparently, we actually have a rough idea where they're going.
1:21:09 > 1:21:10They're going to the north-west.
1:21:10 > 1:21:13So maybe they did that thing you were talking about,
1:21:13 > 1:21:15"You're going to go to London...derry.
1:21:15 > 1:21:18"It's going to be amazing in London...derry.
1:21:18 > 1:21:20"It's going to be amazing."
1:21:20 > 1:21:22But it's sensible to send them here.
1:21:22 > 1:21:25It's a stroke of genius cos if you sent them to Kent or somewhere,
1:21:25 > 1:21:27that would be a culture shock.
1:21:27 > 1:21:29This is like a decompression chamber.
1:21:29 > 1:21:33You don't take a diver up from the depths
1:21:33 > 1:21:34right up to the surface.
1:21:34 > 1:21:37You don't take someone from a war zone right into Kent.
1:21:37 > 1:21:39You take them to Belfast.
1:21:39 > 1:21:43New still have walls, riots, people get knee-capped,
1:21:43 > 1:21:45by appointment, admittedly.
1:21:45 > 1:21:50You try to make them feel at home. You try to bring them round slowly.
1:21:53 > 1:21:55It is nice, though.
1:21:55 > 1:21:58Some people have been very welcoming of the Syrian people.
1:21:58 > 1:22:00It's good, we've only got 51, but some Syrians are here already
1:22:00 > 1:22:03and they've welcomed them and are going to help them.
1:22:03 > 1:22:04Did you see the guy on the news?
1:22:04 > 1:22:07A young lad on the news, he's 19, and his name is Tony Salami.
1:22:07 > 1:22:10- I saw that.- It's a brilliant name, Tony Salami.
1:22:10 > 1:22:13- Brilliant.- And his dad came over here when he was about three,
1:22:13 > 1:22:17we assume that his dad... I don't know why his dad had to leave,
1:22:17 > 1:22:19but it can't be easy living in a Muslim country
1:22:19 > 1:22:22when your surname is a type of sausage.
1:22:22 > 1:22:26It's like being caught Seamus Condom in the Republic of Ireland.
1:22:26 > 1:22:28But Tony has done really well.
1:22:28 > 1:22:31He's in Queen's, it's just another success story of an immigrant
1:22:31 > 1:22:34who comes to this island, you know. I think it's brilliant.
1:22:34 > 1:22:37And Trump, Trump is a tool of epic proportions.
1:22:37 > 1:22:41- He's a moron.- He got an honorary degree from a university in Scotland
1:22:41 > 1:22:44- and they withdrew... - They took his degree away from him.
1:22:44 > 1:22:48And he also lost a court case this week for a wind farm
1:22:48 > 1:22:52because they were trying to put a wind farm off the coast
1:22:52 > 1:22:54of one of his golf courses in Scotland.
1:22:54 > 1:22:58I think it's the wind he doesn't like, it's just...wahey! It's that.
1:22:59 > 1:23:01He's just anti-wind in general.
1:23:01 > 1:23:04Somebody did that in Scotland when he came to Scotland.
1:23:04 > 1:23:08Someone walked behind him with a balloon...
1:23:08 > 1:23:09and the hair...
1:23:11 > 1:23:15- There was a picture of this guy. - Just rubbing it off their chest.
1:23:15 > 1:23:19Did anyone see him being attacked by the bald eagle?
1:23:19 > 1:23:21Oh, that was the funniest thing.
1:23:21 > 1:23:26It was a campaign, an election campaign ad, so this handler
1:23:26 > 1:23:29came in, the bald eagle wrangler, and came into his office.
1:23:29 > 1:23:31And they're in the office and then he's...
1:23:31 > 1:23:35And the eagle gets a bit agitated because it sees his hair
1:23:35 > 1:23:37and thinks I should roost.
1:23:39 > 1:23:40Surely...
1:23:40 > 1:23:44And then it flaps around and then he says, he actually says it,
1:23:44 > 1:23:46it's on YouTube, he says, "My hair, my hair!"
1:23:46 > 1:23:50And the wrangler guy, who is like an old fellow, just reaches up
1:23:50 > 1:23:53without thinking and readjusts his hair.
1:23:53 > 1:23:55- No!- Honestly, look it up.
1:23:55 > 1:24:00Honestly, he does that old Morecambe and Wise thing, he just does that.
1:24:01 > 1:24:05Surely, if you want to do that right, the eagle, which is bald,
1:24:05 > 1:24:06should have a comb over.
1:24:08 > 1:24:10Thank you very much for that.
1:24:10 > 1:24:14Yes, indeed, Pastor McConnell is accused of sending a grossly
1:24:14 > 1:24:18offensive message through a public electronic communications network.
1:24:18 > 1:24:21Sammy Wilson did character witness for him.
1:24:21 > 1:24:23It's a bit like being accused of fraud
1:24:23 > 1:24:25and getting help from Sepp Blatter.
1:24:26 > 1:24:29Now, whatever the outcome of the case against Pastor McConnell,
1:24:29 > 1:24:32he's not worried. Not only does he have God on his side,
1:24:32 > 1:24:36he's also been offered a job as warm-up for Donald Trump.
1:24:36 > 1:24:39So, what is our next question tonight?
1:24:39 > 1:24:43Who do you blame for Brits in space?
1:24:44 > 1:24:47Tim Peake, Britain's newest astronaut,
1:24:47 > 1:24:50served as an Army helicopter pilot in Northern Ireland.
1:24:50 > 1:24:53You can tell Tim Peake spent a long time in Northern Ireland
1:24:53 > 1:24:56because even his space suit has a huge Union Jack on it.
1:24:56 > 1:24:58LAUGHTER
1:25:01 > 1:25:04But who can we blame for Brits in space?
1:25:04 > 1:25:07The brilliant bit was he was asked if he was scared.
1:25:07 > 1:25:11Of course he's not scared, he flew helicopters in Northern Ireland.
1:25:11 > 1:25:13The chances of a fellow from South Armagh
1:25:13 > 1:25:16shooting down the international space station...
1:25:16 > 1:25:18LAUGHTER
1:25:22 > 1:25:23..are somewhat limited.
1:25:25 > 1:25:28But that said, there are fears, in the papers there were fears,
1:25:28 > 1:25:33because he's going up in a creaking 50-year-old Russian rocket capsule,
1:25:33 > 1:25:37and, Tim, Jake, once everything gets to 50, basically...
1:25:37 > 1:25:39AUDIENCE LAUGH AND GROAN
1:25:39 > 1:25:42- Are you suggesting bits fall off?- Yes.
1:25:42 > 1:25:43What he's suggesting is
1:25:43 > 1:25:46your docking station isn't as good as it used to be.
1:25:46 > 1:25:48That's what he's really suggesting.
1:25:51 > 1:25:55You're still docking at 50, so that's all I say.
1:25:55 > 1:25:59I'm just saying Jake has, you know, trouble in re-entry.
1:26:01 > 1:26:05But it is quite dangerous because... I wrote this down.
1:26:05 > 1:26:08..the commander from his last mission to the International Space Station
1:26:08 > 1:26:11is the cosmonaut guy, who's the most experienced of them all,
1:26:11 > 1:26:14you know he must play jokes on him cos Tim Peake is the new guy.
1:26:14 > 1:26:16- RUSSIAN ACCENT:- "Yes. You have to do space walk
1:26:16 > 1:26:21"for bubble for spirit level. Ha-ha-ha..."
1:26:21 > 1:26:24"We need some striped paint for the side of the rocket."
1:26:24 > 1:26:28So the last time he went up to the ISS...
1:26:28 > 1:26:31Not Isis, I-S-S. That's a different thing altogether.
1:26:33 > 1:26:35They came back down at the wrong angle
1:26:35 > 1:26:38and he missed the landing site. It's extremely dangerous.
1:26:38 > 1:26:41He missed the landing site by 300 miles.
1:26:41 > 1:26:43And the Russians had an investigation,
1:26:43 > 1:26:45NASA stated its concerns,
1:26:45 > 1:26:48Ryanair said it was completely normal.
1:26:48 > 1:26:51LAUGHTER
1:26:51 > 1:26:54They were saying that him going into space is going to encourage
1:26:54 > 1:26:58lots of kids. There was a whole big thing in the Natural History Museum
1:26:58 > 1:27:01and they were talking about how this will encourage kids
1:27:01 > 1:27:04to choose science subjects. You never know, now it's possible,
1:27:04 > 1:27:08the fact that the kids can see a guy from England,
1:27:08 > 1:27:11that loads of English kids and British kids will want to become astronauts
1:27:11 > 1:27:14and, unfortunately, they'll see Star Wars as well and go,
1:27:14 > 1:27:17"Yeah! I'm going to do that!" Then they'll think it's going to be...
1:27:17 > 1:27:19- HE MAKES LIGHTSABER NOISES - ..and then they get up there
1:27:19 > 1:27:23and it's not, it's just you trying to wee into a tube
1:27:23 > 1:27:24and growing a plant.
1:27:24 > 1:27:26- There's nothing wrong with weeing into a tube.- Thank you.
1:27:26 > 1:27:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
1:27:34 > 1:27:36Thank you. Thank you.
1:27:36 > 1:27:38Star Wars is... Apparently it's amazing.
1:27:38 > 1:27:40I haven't seen it, but they say it's brilliant
1:27:40 > 1:27:43and Skellig Mihail or Skellig Michael,
1:27:43 > 1:27:47which is an island off the coast of Kerry in the South of Ireland,
1:27:47 > 1:27:49is all over it, and there's all these people going to it
1:27:49 > 1:27:51and locals are a little bit worried. They're on the news,
1:27:51 > 1:27:54- THICK IRISH ACCENT:- "Last year there were people coming out,
1:27:54 > 1:27:56"maybe about 12,000 or so and they came out
1:27:56 > 1:27:59"and they went out to the sanctuary, the bird sanctuary,
1:27:59 > 1:28:02"for the birds and the bees." They talk like that. It's brilliant.
1:28:02 > 1:28:06"And everything's slightly magical when you talk like this.
1:28:06 > 1:28:10"People came out and they reflected on the monks' lives
1:28:10 > 1:28:14"and the nature and the puffins and the gannets and the seagulls
1:28:14 > 1:28:16"and maybe about 12, maybe 13,000 people
1:28:16 > 1:28:19"between the April and the October and it was lovely,
1:28:19 > 1:28:23"and then this year we get pricks with lightsabers. What's going on?"
1:28:23 > 1:28:25- "All this..." - HE MAKES LIGHTSABER NOISES
1:28:25 > 1:28:27"I don't know what that is.
1:28:27 > 1:28:29"Lads dressed up in all sorts of shite as well. Nobody knows.
1:28:29 > 1:28:33- "And the little green fellow going, - YODA VOICE:- "Mm, Skellig..."
1:28:33 > 1:28:36"I don't understand this. And the Wookiees..."
1:28:36 > 1:28:38HE TRILLS LIKE A WOOKIEE
1:28:38 > 1:28:40APPLAUSE
1:28:43 > 1:28:46Is there any connection, do you think, between Arlene Foster
1:28:46 > 1:28:49becoming First Minister, the Dark Lord of the Sith?
1:28:49 > 1:28:52- LAUGHTER - Is there any connection there?
1:28:54 > 1:28:58- "I am your mother." - LAUGHTER
1:29:01 > 1:29:03Welcome to the Death Star...
1:29:03 > 1:29:05Fermanagh!
1:29:06 > 1:29:07Yes, she's been...
1:29:07 > 1:29:09Yeah, she's our new leader now.
1:29:09 > 1:29:12Even that phrase sounds a little bit...
1:29:12 > 1:29:15- HE HUMS DARTH VADER'S THEME: - Dun-dun-dun-dun...
1:29:15 > 1:29:19Maybe you could join the two. Dun-dun-dun-dun...
1:29:19 > 1:29:22- I can't remember what The Sash goes like.- Ay!
1:29:22 > 1:29:23APPLAUSE
1:29:23 > 1:29:26Yes, the new Star Wars movie is out.
1:29:26 > 1:29:29At the end of Return of the Jedi, the Death Star was blown up.
1:29:29 > 1:29:33Essentially, Star Wars is now in a post-conflict situation.
1:29:36 > 1:29:38I haven't seen it yet but I expect endless talks,
1:29:38 > 1:29:43the Stormtroopers renamed the police service of the new Empire,
1:29:43 > 1:29:46and lots of rebels pretending to be politicians.
1:29:47 > 1:29:49So, what is our next question tonight?
1:29:49 > 1:29:53Who do you blame for Christmas not going to plan?
1:29:53 > 1:29:56Yes, one of the big toys this Christmas is the hoverboard,
1:29:56 > 1:30:00so-called because it isn't a board and it doesn't hover.
1:30:00 > 1:30:03It obviously got its name from the same people who brought you
1:30:03 > 1:30:04Fresh Start.
1:30:04 > 1:30:06LAUGHTER
1:30:08 > 1:30:11Amazon have advised people to throw out their hoverboards
1:30:11 > 1:30:13because of safety concerns.
1:30:13 > 1:30:15Apparently they can spontaneously catch fire,
1:30:15 > 1:30:18so, Northern Ireland, it's your choice. Throw them out or keep them
1:30:18 > 1:30:21in order to light next year's Eleventh Night bony.
1:30:21 > 1:30:25But who can we blame for Christmas not going exactly to plan?
1:30:25 > 1:30:30I massively blame my father.
1:30:30 > 1:30:33Straight in, straight in. He... My...
1:30:33 > 1:30:37Honestly, my family are mental. They are really crazy.
1:30:37 > 1:30:42They're all farmers and so I'm from... I live on a farm and...
1:30:42 > 1:30:46Sorry, Joel, you have the least farmer-sounding voice...
1:30:46 > 1:30:48What do you farm, wind?
1:30:51 > 1:30:52It's really weird.
1:30:52 > 1:30:55They're all mental, so my grandad was a farmer,
1:30:55 > 1:30:58my dad's a farmer, my brother is now a farmer,
1:30:58 > 1:31:00and I asked my dad about six months ago,
1:31:00 > 1:31:02"Dad, do you love my brother more than me?",
1:31:02 > 1:31:05expecting him to answer, "No, I love you both equally."
1:31:05 > 1:31:08He went, "I've just got more in common with him."
1:31:08 > 1:31:11This is the thing that he does at Christmas that's really...
1:31:11 > 1:31:14This is something that he told me the other day that I remembered.
1:31:14 > 1:31:17This is crazy. I remember when I was a kid... I grew up in a place called Gloucester,
1:31:17 > 1:31:21and when I was a child he once took us to the circus in Gloucester
1:31:21 > 1:31:22and the circus was closed,
1:31:22 > 1:31:24so he took me to Fred West's house instead.
1:31:24 > 1:31:26LAUGHTER
1:31:26 > 1:31:28HE GASPS
1:31:28 > 1:31:31I remember it. I remember it. He was just like, "There we go.
1:31:31 > 1:31:34"That's where it all happened. Get in the car, come on."
1:31:34 > 1:31:38So they're really weird anyway and there's this thing that he does at Christmas that really annoys me.
1:31:38 > 1:31:40He falls asleep in the middle of movies.
1:31:40 > 1:31:43Obviously, like families, we always watch... He always falls asleep.
1:31:43 > 1:31:46You HAVE to do this. This is what I do every year.
1:31:46 > 1:31:47It's an amazing thing to do.
1:31:47 > 1:31:51Every time they fall asleep during a movie, don't wake them up. That is a rookie mistake.
1:31:51 > 1:31:53What you have to do is get up,
1:31:53 > 1:31:57then change the film
1:31:57 > 1:32:01to a film with the same lead actor in it,
1:32:01 > 1:32:03then sit back down and wake them up
1:32:03 > 1:32:05and watch the confusion happen on their face.
1:32:05 > 1:32:08It is the funnest game.
1:32:08 > 1:32:11Last year we were watching Cast Away with Tom Hanks in it.
1:32:11 > 1:32:13We changed it to Philadelphia, right.
1:32:13 > 1:32:15LAUGHTER
1:32:17 > 1:32:19Oh, my God, how unlucky is this guy?
1:32:21 > 1:32:24He finally gets off the island and now he's got AIDS.
1:32:24 > 1:32:26LAUGHTER
1:32:27 > 1:32:29This is a really nice thing...
1:32:29 > 1:32:32This is a really romantic thing that happened to me this year.
1:32:32 > 1:32:37I saw a lady on the London Tube, and she was right opposite me
1:32:37 > 1:32:39and this is maybe only a couple of months ago.
1:32:39 > 1:32:42She was so beautiful, and so I did that romantic thing
1:32:42 > 1:32:45of letting her leave and then regretted it.
1:32:45 > 1:32:47LAUGHTER
1:32:47 > 1:32:49But she had her name written on her bag and so,
1:32:49 > 1:32:53this is modern day and I didn't want to be lonely at Christmas,
1:32:53 > 1:32:56so I thought, "I'm going to try and find her."
1:32:56 > 1:32:58You know, cos you find people on social media.
1:32:58 > 1:33:02And I told my dad. I was like, "Oh, Dad, I saw this lady on the London Tube.
1:33:02 > 1:33:06"I'm going to try find her cos she had her name on her bag," and he got really excited.
1:33:06 > 1:33:09He was like, "Oh, my God, yeah. Find her. Totally.
1:33:09 > 1:33:10"It'll be like that film Taken."
1:33:10 > 1:33:12LAUGHTER
1:33:13 > 1:33:18I was like, "What?", and he's like "That film Taken with Liam Neeson where he tries to save his daughter
1:33:18 > 1:33:20"and then it goes black and white and he saves loads of Jews."
1:33:20 > 1:33:22LAUGHTER
1:33:22 > 1:33:24APPLAUSE
1:33:32 > 1:33:35It's a kids. Kids are spoilt. Kids are spoilt.
1:33:35 > 1:33:37- I'm old, that's how I know.- OK.
1:33:37 > 1:33:39I was trying to explain to my eight-year-old,
1:33:39 > 1:33:43when I was a child... Christmas - kaleidoscope.
1:33:43 > 1:33:46- You don't know what that is. - No, I knew.- Do you know?- Yep.
1:33:46 > 1:33:49A toilet tube with a hole and glass at the end,
1:33:49 > 1:33:52and you turned it and the glass went different colours.
1:33:52 > 1:33:55Hours of entertainment I got from that. Hours!
1:33:55 > 1:33:57My child - "Where do you plug it in?"
1:33:57 > 1:33:59You don't plug it in!
1:33:59 > 1:34:01"I'm telling Ma you're sniffing glue. Are you wise?"
1:34:03 > 1:34:06Did you see the fellow in North Yorkshire?
1:34:06 > 1:34:10He was pissed, crashed his car, looking for somewhere to hide,
1:34:10 > 1:34:14- cops are right on his tail, ran in and hid in the crib.- No!
1:34:14 > 1:34:15Hid in the crib and the police are like,
1:34:15 > 1:34:19"Oh, that's the crib," and walked in and went, "Oh, where is he?
1:34:19 > 1:34:22"Oh, look, let's check out the four wise men."
1:34:26 > 1:34:31"Oh, look. Balthazar with his gold and Melchior with his...
1:34:31 > 1:34:33"frankincense and...
1:34:33 > 1:34:35"John with his Terry's Chocolate Orange."
1:34:35 > 1:34:37LAUGHTER
1:34:37 > 1:34:40There was one here caught. There was one guy caught here,
1:34:40 > 1:34:43the judge says he was catastrophically drunk.
1:34:43 > 1:34:47- Oh, the horse!- He wasn't even drunk, catastrophically drunk.
1:34:47 > 1:34:51With a horse. And his excuse was he was out show jumping, as you do...
1:34:51 > 1:34:53No, he'd bought a horse.
1:34:53 > 1:34:55He couldn't get a taxi because he had a horse with him.
1:34:55 > 1:34:59Well, he should try North Belfast. You'd get a taxi with a horse no problem.
1:34:59 > 1:35:02It would cost you next to 20 quid but they'll take the horsebox. No problem.
1:35:02 > 1:35:05Surely he could have got on the horse cos he had the horse
1:35:05 > 1:35:07in a horsebox and he'd just bought the horse
1:35:07 > 1:35:09and the people he bought the horse off stayed and had drinks.
1:35:09 > 1:35:12He fell out with his brother who was driving.
1:35:12 > 1:35:16His brother headed off and then he was stuck with the horse in the horsebox, towing it.
1:35:16 > 1:35:19So he was driving on the wrong side of the road when the cops found him.
1:35:19 > 1:35:22Surely it would have been safer to just get on the horse and just ride the horse home.
1:35:22 > 1:35:24No, no, no.
1:35:24 > 1:35:26He was hungry and he was looking at the horse and going,
1:35:26 > 1:35:29"This is a very fresh kebab."
1:35:29 > 1:35:32Imagine if he got on the horse and was just pulled over at a checkpoint.
1:35:32 > 1:35:34"Shh... I'll handle this." Clippy-cloppy...
1:35:34 > 1:35:38- SLURRING:- "Hello. Why have you stopped me?"
1:35:38 > 1:35:39"You didn't indicate."
1:35:39 > 1:35:42"OK, sorry. Do you want me to put the blinkers on?"
1:35:42 > 1:35:43LAUGHTER
1:35:43 > 1:35:45APPLAUSE
1:35:47 > 1:35:52- Our Black Santa that we have, he's very trendy now.- By the way...
1:35:52 > 1:35:55- By the way...- Yeah, explain. Please, explain.- Sorry.
1:35:55 > 1:35:58This is not a Santa Claus who is black.
1:35:58 > 1:36:01It's a sit-out in front of St Anne's Cathedral
1:36:01 > 1:36:04and he's known as Black Santa cos he wears a big, black cape.
1:36:04 > 1:36:07- He's the dean of the cathedral.- Oh, OK.
1:36:07 > 1:36:08He used to have a big bucket
1:36:08 > 1:36:12and you threw money in the bucket. He now takes credit cards.
1:36:12 > 1:36:14Eventually, he's going to outsource.
1:36:14 > 1:36:16There'll be a fella sitting out in India.
1:36:16 > 1:36:18LAUGHTER
1:36:18 > 1:36:20Thank you very much for that.
1:36:20 > 1:36:23Yes, indeed, tonight is so-called Black Eye Friday,
1:36:23 > 1:36:25when normally sensible people
1:36:25 > 1:36:28drink far too much and make total fools of themselves.
1:36:28 > 1:36:30I actually did get in a fight last year, I do apologise,
1:36:30 > 1:36:31someone was looking at me funny.
1:36:31 > 1:36:34Turned out it was Frank Mitchell after his laser treatment.
1:36:34 > 1:36:37APPLAUSE
1:36:42 > 1:36:44So what is our next question tonight?
1:36:44 > 1:36:47Who do you blame for bad value sportspeople?
1:36:47 > 1:36:51Last Saturday, Conor McGregor won his Ultimate Fighting Championship
1:36:51 > 1:36:55fight against Jose Aldo in just 13 seconds.
1:36:55 > 1:36:59I actually watched the fight with my wife, and when it ended she said to me,
1:36:59 > 1:37:02"There was an awful big build-up there, and then it was all over...
1:37:02 > 1:37:04LAUGHTER
1:37:04 > 1:37:06"..in 13 seconds.
1:37:06 > 1:37:08"Does that remind you of anything?"
1:37:08 > 1:37:09LAUGHTER
1:37:09 > 1:37:12And I said, "Yes," I said, "Yes,
1:37:12 > 1:37:16"it reminds me of Sammy Wilson's campaign to be leader of the DUP."
1:37:17 > 1:37:21But who can we blame for bad value sportspeople?
1:37:21 > 1:37:23The Sports Personality Of The Year is coming to Belfast,
1:37:23 > 1:37:27and the rates payers here are paying a quarter of a million.
1:37:27 > 1:37:30Quarter of a million! For one mention of Belfast.
1:37:30 > 1:37:33We get one mention. "Good evening, and welcome to Belfast.
1:37:33 > 1:37:37"Right, on with the show." I want helicopters going past the cranes.
1:37:37 > 1:37:39I want to see the Titanic.
1:37:39 > 1:37:42I want to see Tyson Fury getting his bap beat in
1:37:42 > 1:37:46by irate homosexuals outside. That's what I want to see!
1:37:46 > 1:37:49I want to see value for money.
1:37:49 > 1:37:51And that McGregor thing - that was Las Vegas.
1:37:51 > 1:37:55- And half of Ireland, half of Ireland!- I know, yeah.- Imagine!
1:37:55 > 1:37:58You've flew all the way to Las Vegas, you pay for your hotel,
1:37:58 > 1:38:01you get your drink, you sit down. "We're ready to go." "It's over!"
1:38:01 > 1:38:04- "Hang on! What?! Who?!" - LAUGHTER
1:38:04 > 1:38:07- 13 seconds?- Can you imagine, there's a guy putting pints down...
1:38:07 > 1:38:10- That's what I'm saying! He just looked up...- What?
1:38:10 > 1:38:12APPLAUSE
1:38:18 > 1:38:21But the kids, they're getting value for money.
1:38:21 > 1:38:24They protested last week and had a sit in at Queens.
1:38:24 > 1:38:27And it was nice for the first time here to have a protest that
1:38:27 > 1:38:29wasn't actually about here.
1:38:29 > 1:38:31It wasn't about flags or anything else,
1:38:31 > 1:38:36it was about fossil fuels and Queens University. And that's the way...
1:38:36 > 1:38:38That's nice. Because the world's going to end.
1:38:38 > 1:38:39We're on the way out, it's all over.
1:38:39 > 1:38:41Global warming, you can laugh if you want.
1:38:41 > 1:38:44I saw daffodils, DAFFODILS, blooming!
1:38:44 > 1:38:46In Belfast Castle!
1:38:46 > 1:38:48In December!
1:38:48 > 1:38:50I'm not paying an education for my kid to go to university,
1:38:50 > 1:38:54it's all over. The end of the world. They're bottling - see in China? -
1:38:54 > 1:38:58they are buying in bottled air from Canada. Why can't we do that?
1:38:58 > 1:39:00Why can't we sell them bottled air?
1:39:00 > 1:39:03We could take it in Stormont, they could have WARM bottled air.
1:39:03 > 1:39:06APPLAUSE
1:39:06 > 1:39:08The China thing is mad, though,
1:39:08 > 1:39:10because the smog in China is ridiculous.
1:39:10 > 1:39:12Did you see it on the news? You just couldn't see anything.
1:39:12 > 1:39:14Either they have loads and loads of factories,
1:39:14 > 1:39:16or they're electing a Pope every day.
1:39:17 > 1:39:21They've got a scale now, like red, amber...
1:39:21 > 1:39:24And it's the first time it was used was last week.
1:39:24 > 1:39:26And it was red, basically, don't go out!
1:39:26 > 1:39:30Because you can't open your door because there's so much smog.
1:39:30 > 1:39:32- Have you been to China? - No, I haven't.
1:39:32 > 1:39:35I was in China earlier in the year. In Beijing and Shanghai.
1:39:35 > 1:39:39In the hotel room I had a glass of water, wallet's there,
1:39:39 > 1:39:41and then phone.
1:39:41 > 1:39:44Next morning, picked up the thing to take a drink of water.
1:39:44 > 1:39:48And there was a clear patch, and the rest of it was just dust.
1:39:48 > 1:39:52And that was inside the room. Just one night, it was unbelievable.
1:39:52 > 1:39:54- I was flaking skin... - AUDIENCE GROANS
1:39:54 > 1:39:57But sure, in fairness, I've been out with you in Belfast
1:39:57 > 1:39:59and you had to blow the dust off your wallet.
1:39:59 > 1:40:01LAUGHTER
1:40:01 > 1:40:03That is true.
1:40:03 > 1:40:05APPLAUSE
1:40:05 > 1:40:10But to say all that, I don't know - my da smoked Woodbine.
1:40:10 > 1:40:12So if I can survive that, I can survive China.
1:40:13 > 1:40:16People don't realise, you're only 19 years old.
1:40:19 > 1:40:22But given The Sports Personality Of The Year coming to Belfast,
1:40:22 > 1:40:24we're very excited, obviously.
1:40:24 > 1:40:27Are you a sports fan, Joel? Besides the boxing?
1:40:27 > 1:40:29Yeah, it's OK.
1:40:29 > 1:40:32I'm quite interested about the Sports Personality Of The Year thing,
1:40:32 > 1:40:36because I think Tyson Fury is the first person for years that's
1:40:36 > 1:40:38actually had a personality.
1:40:38 > 1:40:40But unfortunately, it's a homophobic one.
1:40:41 > 1:40:44It's just ridiculous.
1:40:44 > 1:40:47Tyson Fury's amazing, obviously.
1:40:47 > 1:40:51But I just don't understand... Why do people not like gay people?
1:40:51 > 1:40:52They're amazing.
1:40:52 > 1:40:54They're so brilliant!
1:40:54 > 1:40:56They're so fun!
1:40:56 > 1:41:00My newest favourite thing in the entire world is to go to
1:41:00 > 1:41:03a gay club and request the Dirty Dancing song.
1:41:03 > 1:41:05And then just watch as gay people
1:41:05 > 1:41:08- don't know who's the lifter and the liftee. - LAUGHTER
1:41:08 > 1:41:10It's the funnest game in the world!
1:41:10 > 1:41:12They just run at each other and they jump like salmon.
1:41:12 > 1:41:14It's just amazing.
1:41:14 > 1:41:18And the other big news from Northern Ireland this week is getting
1:41:18 > 1:41:20the draw for the European Championships.
1:41:20 > 1:41:24Complete racism from UEFA, because Northern Ireland were drawn
1:41:24 > 1:41:25in a position C4, which is
1:41:25 > 1:41:29the only type of explosives mentioned in the draw.
1:41:31 > 1:41:33- That's not fair.- Racism. - Absolute racism.
1:41:33 > 1:41:38The Province and the Free State are in. So, yeah!
1:41:38 > 1:41:41- There'll be fireworks at that match, I'd imagine!- There's...
1:41:41 > 1:41:44But I'd say if they play, O'Neill would be the victor.
1:41:44 > 1:41:46- I'd say so, yeah. He'd come out on top.- O'Neill?
1:41:46 > 1:41:48Yeah, brilliant, isn't he? Done a fantastic job.
1:41:48 > 1:41:51- I think O'Neill is a better manager than O'Neill.- Yeah.
1:41:51 > 1:41:54Yeah. I mean, O'Neill is probably the most experienced one.
1:41:54 > 1:41:57He's more experienced than O'Neill.
1:41:57 > 1:42:01M O'Neill is better than M O'Neill though.
1:42:01 > 1:42:02If England...
1:42:02 > 1:42:05It takes a Northerner to get you through, that's all I'm saying.
1:42:05 > 1:42:07LAUGHTER
1:42:09 > 1:42:10No, you're right, you're right.
1:42:10 > 1:42:13And it'd be great to see you in a tournament after 30 years.
1:42:13 > 1:42:15LAUGHTER
1:42:15 > 1:42:17We don't reckon Tyson Fury's going to win this, do we?
1:42:17 > 1:42:20The BBC have been criticised for even letting him in and -
1:42:20 > 1:42:23can I just check this - has the cheque cleared? Hmm?
1:42:23 > 1:42:25Well, I wouldn't want to criticise the BBC...
1:42:25 > 1:42:28LAUGHTER
1:42:28 > 1:42:30It's dangerous thing to do.
1:42:30 > 1:42:34- He could win?- I think people might... - It's a public vote though, isn't it?
1:42:34 > 1:42:36See, that's the thing, you can't trust the public,
1:42:36 > 1:42:38people might do it out of badness.
1:42:38 > 1:42:39But you can't kick him out now,
1:42:39 > 1:42:42that just looks like racism against an Irish Traveller.
1:42:42 > 1:42:44Let him in and then move him on?
1:42:44 > 1:42:46APPLAUSE
1:42:47 > 1:42:49- Not good.- Not good.
1:42:50 > 1:42:53Thank you, thank you very much for that. Just time for our quickfire round.
1:42:53 > 1:42:56I will read you various newspaper headlines
1:42:56 > 1:42:59and I want you to be quicker than the waiting time in A&E.
1:43:00 > 1:43:03Hole In The Wall Gang Raids Post Office.
1:43:03 > 1:43:06Times are tough since Give My Head Peace was cancelled.
1:43:06 > 1:43:09LAUGHTER
1:43:09 > 1:43:10Big Gay Lobby.
1:43:10 > 1:43:13Where you check in at a big, gay hotel.
1:43:14 > 1:43:16Bruce Forsyth Acts His Age.
1:43:16 > 1:43:18And dies.
1:43:18 > 1:43:20APPLAUSE
1:43:26 > 1:43:28The Top Ten Things That Men Find Attractive.
1:43:28 > 1:43:30Five pairs of boobs.
1:43:30 > 1:43:31LAUGHTER
1:43:33 > 1:43:35Destroying HIV.
1:43:35 > 1:43:39Would make it hard to spell chives.
1:43:39 > 1:43:40APPLAUSE
1:43:46 > 1:43:49Rod Stewart Says It's Harder For Younger Stars.
1:43:49 > 1:43:51It hasn't been hard for me for years.
1:43:51 > 1:43:53LAUGHTER
1:43:56 > 1:44:00We Check Mobiles 85 Times Daily.
1:44:01 > 1:44:02Sorry, what?
1:44:02 > 1:44:04APPLAUSE
1:44:07 > 1:44:09Reduce The Risk Of Having A Stroke.
1:44:09 > 1:44:11Stop watching pornography, Jake.
1:44:11 > 1:44:13LAUGHTER
1:44:14 > 1:44:16That's it, that's the end of the show.
1:44:16 > 1:44:18Please show your appreciation to our panel.
1:44:18 > 1:44:22Colin Murphy. APPLAUSE
1:44:22 > 1:44:25Joel Dommett. APPLAUSE
1:44:25 > 1:44:27Jake O'Kane. APPLAUSE
1:44:27 > 1:44:30And Neil Delamere. APPLAUSE
1:44:32 > 1:44:36And I'm Tim McGarry, until next time, don't blame yourselves,
1:44:36 > 1:44:38blame each other. Goodbye.
1:44:38 > 1:44:40APPLAUSE