0:00:21 > 0:00:23APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Hello, hello, and welcome to The Blame Game: Best Bits.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Over the past few weeks, we have been playing
0:00:35 > 0:00:37the game at which our Stormont politicians have become
0:00:37 > 0:00:41so expert, shifting the blame to someone else.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46And here for your seasonal delight are some of my favourite extracts,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48featuring Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane
0:00:48 > 0:00:50and Neil Delamere and some of our guests.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54So let's begin with Jake, attempting to explain yet again why,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57like the course of true love,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00the path towards political settlement never runs smooth.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06The crisis here is never over. We live in a continual crisis.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08It is so bad, we have actually invented a new phrase -
0:01:08 > 0:01:10crisis fatigue.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I am just sick of it, I am sick of it.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15The story at the start of the year with welfare cuts.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17They couldn't be separate apart.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21DUP - "Oh, yes, bring them all in, we have no working class,
0:01:21 > 0:01:23"bring them all in, that's fine."
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Shinners, Wee Marty - "None, none, ever, not in 1,000 years
0:01:26 > 0:01:27"can we ever have any cuts."
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Two murders in Belfast, Chief Constable turns up on TV.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33He's going, "Yes, there were IRA members involved
0:01:33 > 0:01:35"but the IRA ceasefire still stands."
0:01:35 > 0:01:37What?
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Theresa Villiers,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40"I'd rather be anywhere than here" Theresa Villiers,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43brings in a panel to investigate the paramilitaries, even though
0:01:43 > 0:01:46we have got MI5, MI6, the Chief Constable sitting there.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50No, she brings in a panel who six weeks later come back and report.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52"Shocked.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"Shocked to the core, I was.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58"Turns out them young shaven-headed, tattooed,
0:01:58 > 0:02:02"steroid enhanced young men, driving top-of-the-range cars
0:02:02 > 0:02:05"in loyalist areas... aren't community workers."
0:02:05 > 0:02:07LAUGHTER
0:02:07 > 0:02:09"They are not community workers."
0:02:12 > 0:02:15They're paramilitary drug dealers, who knew?
0:02:15 > 0:02:20Worse, the IRA haven't gone away.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Gerry Adams is sitting at home going,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25"Well, I could have told them that for nothing."
0:02:25 > 0:02:29First Start. First Start sounds like a panty liner.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31It does.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33I don't care what anybody says.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36I have images of Peter Robinson
0:02:36 > 0:02:39and Martin McGuinness in white trousers, rollerblading, going,
0:02:39 > 0:02:40"Mother Nature,
0:02:40 > 0:02:44"we don't have time for you, we have got Stormont to run."
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Fresh Start, for politicians who leak to the media.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- LOUDLY:- Jim Rogers talks like this the whole time.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Jim Rodgers is like a primary school teacher...
0:03:02 > 0:03:06..who has spent far too much time with the P1s, isn't that right?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11This is the volume he speaks at.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14And this... He is never off the radio.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15This fellow is like a local councillor.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18They don't even ring him for a comment, he doesn't even ring.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21You just hear him on the radio.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25From his house going, "I have a comment to make about that."
0:03:25 > 0:03:29And, basically what it is, the Northern Ireland soccer team
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and the Republic of Ireland soccer team have both
0:03:31 > 0:03:32qualified for the European Championships,
0:03:32 > 0:03:36first time ever that both sides of the border have qualified.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39And the managers of both teams are both from here, right?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Which is quite a unique sort of situation
0:03:42 > 0:03:44and so someone suggested in the city council,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47it would be quite nice to have a reception for them.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48A civic reception.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Jim Rodgers, who is a big fan of football, said,
0:03:51 > 0:03:56"No, we have already had a finger buffet
0:03:56 > 0:03:58"for the Northern Ireland team."
0:03:58 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Apart from that sounding like a euphemism...
0:04:09 > 0:04:14He said, "It's too expensive. These things aren't cheap, you know."
0:04:14 > 0:04:17You're going, "Twaddell. Just one word, Twaddell."
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Who do you blame for stereotypes?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Yes, I'm afraid in Northern Ireland,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27we often indulge in sectarian stereotypes.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Not all of us, obviously.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30I mean, Catholics don't.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:41But only because they are too lazy. But who can we blame for stereotypes?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Finally, something I care about.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49I think everyone is to blame for stereotypes.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53I am from London and I get boxed to be Nigerian because I have got
0:04:53 > 0:04:57a traditional name and I am black so people tend to think I am Nigerian.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01But my allegiance just wavers, depending on what is going on,
0:05:01 > 0:05:04to be honest. I will give you guys an example.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07When England got knocked out of the World Cup in the group stages
0:05:07 > 0:05:11and Nigeria advanced, I'm Nigerian, right?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Last year's outbreak of Ebola, I'm British.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19You just can't...
0:05:19 > 0:05:22APPLAUSE
0:05:22 > 0:05:26So, you know, I think we all do make stereotypes but sometimes they work.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Like during the Olympics, for instance.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I remember I was watching the 100 metres final which
0:05:30 > 0:05:32was my favourite event.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33I was supporting Usain Bolt.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I told my white friend this before the event and he gets very offended.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40He's like, "Why are you supporting Usain Bolt, Funmbi?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"He is not British or Nigerian.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45"You are only supporting him because he is BLACK."
0:05:45 > 0:05:48And I was like, "Dude, it's the 100 metres final,
0:05:48 > 0:05:49"they are all black."
0:05:49 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:57 > 0:06:00That's how you decide to back somebody in the 100 metres.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- How do you decide?- In what?
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Say in the 100 metres race.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I will tell you how my mother does it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08She looks at the 100 metres, the line-up, there's no Irish lads,
0:06:08 > 0:06:12oddly enough, so she will sit there and wait and wait
0:06:12 > 0:06:15and she'll go, "Him!" I say, "Him? Why?"
0:06:15 > 0:06:17"Him, the fellow who blessed himself."
0:06:17 > 0:06:18LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Star Wars is, apparently it is amazing, I haven't seen it.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29They say it is brilliant. And Skellig Michael...
0:06:29 > 0:06:32which is an island off the coast of Kerry
0:06:32 > 0:06:34in the south of Ireland, is all over it.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37There's all these people going to it and locals are a little bit worried.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38They are on the news like,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- HIGH-PITCHED:- "Last year those people came out
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"and there would be about 12,000 or so and they came out and they went
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"out to the sanctuary, the bird sanctuary,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47"they went for the birds and the bees."
0:06:47 > 0:06:49They talk like that, it's brilliant.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Everything is slightly magical when you talk like this.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56"A lot of people came out and they reflected on the monks' lives
0:06:56 > 0:07:00"and the nature and the puffins and the gannets and the seagulls.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04"Maybe about 12, maybe 13,000 people between April and October
0:07:04 > 0:07:06"and it was lovely and then this year
0:07:06 > 0:07:10"we get pricks with lightsabers, what's going on?"
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- IMITATES LIGHTSABER - "I don't know what that is.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16"And lads dressed up in all sorts of shite as well.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20"And a little green fella going, 'Mm, Skellig Michael, we go to.'
0:07:20 > 0:07:22"I don't understand it. And the Wookiee..."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24HE HOWLS LIKE WOOKIEE
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Yes, the new Star Wars movie is out.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34At the end of Return Of The Jedi, the Death Star was blown up.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39Essentially Star Wars is now in a post-conflict situation.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44I haven't seen it yet but I expect endless talks,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47the Stormtroopers renamed the Police Service of the New Empire.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51And lots of rebels pretending to be politicians.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54So what is our next question tonight?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Who do you blame for Christmas not going to plan?
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I massively blame my father.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05This thing he does at Christmas that really annoys me.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07He falls asleep in the middle of movies.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Obviously, like families, we watch... He always falls asleep
0:08:10 > 0:08:14And you have to do this. This is what I do every year, it's amazing.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Every time they fall asleep during a movie, don't wake them up,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21that is a rookie mistake. What you have to do is get up, right,
0:08:21 > 0:08:27change the film to a film with the same lead actor in it
0:08:27 > 0:08:32and sit back down and wake him up and watch the confusion happen.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35It is the funnest game.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Last year we were watching Cast Away with Tom Hanks in it.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Changed it to Philadelphia.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47My God, how unlucky is this guy?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Finally gets off the island, now he's got AIDS.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Kids are horrible, they're horribly judgmental. Mine are 15 and 13.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59I am sitting this out and...
0:08:59 > 0:09:03I am not going to stay here, I have got to go home, but...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05We're hoping to get through the teenage years.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I bought a new car this year and my kids said,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11"Get blacked-out windows." I went, "You want me to look cool?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13They went, "No, we don't want other people to see
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"who's dropping us off at school."
0:09:15 > 0:09:17They genuinely said that. I was talking to them about my dad.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21My dad looked like me. Well, I look like him.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23He had a beard and moustache...
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I look like him but he was an alpha male.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29He was like me...but a man.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34He was so cool, we had such respect for him.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37My kids call me Chubster.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43They call me Chubster and the Camp Man. Those are the two...
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I promise you. I said, "You don't have any fear of me, do you, Grace?"
0:09:46 > 0:09:47And she answered,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- IMITATES HIMSELF:- "You don't have any fear of me, do you, Grace?"
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Martha, my 15-year-old, I was having a row with, and I said,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55"Martha, I know what it's like to be 15, you know,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58"I was 15 once as well. Do you know what, if you'd known me at 15,"
0:09:58 > 0:10:01"we'd have been friends." And she said - I promise this is true -
0:10:01 > 0:10:03she said, "Yeah, you'd have been my gay best friend."
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Who do you blame for old men becoming dads?
0:10:13 > 0:10:18Yes, DUP councillor Tommy Jeffers is to become a father at the age of 73.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Yes, it looks like Ulster doesn't always say no.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30And a survey said that couples who had sex once a week are the happiest.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34If you've too much sex, apparently you can get bored with your partner.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Which is why my wife finds me absolutely riveting.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43But who can we blame for old men becoming dads?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Your wife's bored of me, though.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- AUDIENCE:- Ooh...
0:10:52 > 0:10:54It's a good news story, as far as I'm concerned.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58It's nice to see a DUP councillor who doesn't pull out. And...
0:11:06 > 0:11:1173! The important thing to remember here is his wife is not 73.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13She's 45, which is still quite old.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14And... For...
0:11:14 > 0:11:17AUDIENCE BOOS
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Typical here. Don't let him finish his sentence, let's just jump in.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26Which is quite old to be having a child in this day and age. It is.
0:11:26 > 0:11:2940s, it's risky. I wish them well, I do.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31It's a tricky thing, you know?
0:11:31 > 0:11:3473, could be 74 by the time that child's born.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38By that time that child is leaving home, he'll be going into one.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42If there are any still open.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44And...
0:11:44 > 0:11:49Sex at 73, that's got to be... wow. That's not...
0:11:49 > 0:11:52There's nothing wrong with people having a sex drive at 73,
0:11:52 > 0:11:57but, yeah, she's way younger than him. She's 46, 45. Wow.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59You don't want to be in bed with someone going,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01"I said that's lovely!"
0:12:04 > 0:12:06"You're doing very well!"
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"Your programme's going to be on in a minute!"
0:12:14 > 0:12:15It does change it, doesn't it?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"Who's your daddy? I might know him."
0:12:19 > 0:12:22It's perfect for him, though, because he's 73 now, we think,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24so maybe when the baby is born, he's going to be 74.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- If you're DUP, that works out perfectly with the son's age.- Why?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Because when the son is 16, you're 90.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41See, Thought For The Day. I am sick to the back teeth
0:12:41 > 0:12:44listening to this on every radio station in the world,
0:12:44 > 0:12:45does that, Thought For The Day.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"Now, over to some idiot who speaks on a Sunday
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"but has no idea how bad he sounds until he's on the radio."
0:12:50 > 0:12:53And then it's some... "I was thinking the other day..."
0:12:53 > 0:12:56And it's all metaphors and similes and allegories.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00"I was buying an ice cream cone in the park the other day,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03"and I ordered from the man in the ice cream boat...
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"in the ice cream van, what I wanted.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09"And as we all do want things in life and ask for it.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"And I received a 99.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13"It was a rather beautiful thing, and, initially,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16"I was immensely happy with the 99 cos I'd received what I wanted.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20"But, slowly, with the weather being so beautiful as it is today,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"the ice cream started to melt down my hand.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27"And I thought, this isn't as good anymore. The thing that I wished for
0:13:27 > 0:13:30"all my life is now starting to disappear up my sleeve.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35"And as the hundreds and thousands melted under my fingers,
0:13:35 > 0:13:36"I thought...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38"life's a bit shit, isn't it?"
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Every day! Just a different...
0:13:48 > 0:13:52And also this week, scientists discovered that some nonsense
0:13:52 > 0:13:54words are just inherently funny.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57The funniest words they discovered were wibble, wook,
0:13:57 > 0:13:59babblesock, flingam and Lurgan.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07But who can we blame for what's on our search engines?
0:14:07 > 0:14:08I blame all of us.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12I blame all of us, and I love it because the more we search,
0:14:12 > 0:14:13the more the internet remembers.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16And I love the fact you know when you type into Google the beginning
0:14:16 > 0:14:20of a sentence or something that you're searching, and it gives you
0:14:20 > 0:14:23a little drop down menu of what the rest of the world are searching.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24I love it.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27And my daughter and I were searching how old somebody was,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30and we put in, "How old" and the drop-down menu came down.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Number three on that menu was "How old am I?"
0:14:36 > 0:14:39If you're searching how old you are,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42you're too old to be on the computer. But I love it.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Also, after my third baby, I had a C-section. Comedy, comedy, comedy!
0:14:45 > 0:14:46And... And I googled,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I wanted to know how soon I could go back to the gym.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53And I googled "How soon after a C-section can I..."
0:14:53 > 0:14:56and the drop-down menu drops down, right.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Number five on that is "How soon after a C-section can I hoover?"
0:15:02 > 0:15:04It's bizarre. Around about sixth or seventh,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07it's "How soon after a C-section can I have intercourse?"
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Now, that's fair enough, you've just had a baby, who cares.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14However, if you Google "How soon after a C-section can SHE..."
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Very different. It's very different.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23And then, of course, we were talking about baby names. You have to
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- name the baby ...- Sorry, in Northern Ireland, that would be "..hoover."
0:15:26 > 0:15:29That would be number one.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- It wouldn't be sex. - Then, I was looking at baby names.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35We were talking about earlier on about how difficult it is to
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- name babies.- Sorry, just out of interest, just how long after...?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- Hoover?- Yeah.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46How old is your youngest? 14?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I didn't know who this man was
0:15:57 > 0:16:00until that fight thing that happened a couple of weeks ago.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- I'd no idea, I'm not into sport. - You'd never have guessed.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05No, really? No!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08And the Tyson Fury thing I thought was a state of mind.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10I didn't realise it was his name.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14I thought it was going to be Tyson fury, Tyson happy, Tyson hungry.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I didn't realise that was his actual name.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22You could have thought he was one of the Fureys, like Finbar Furey.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- Yeah, turns out he's not. And he's a boxer man.- Boxer man!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Boxer man! Here, I say!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34He won some boxing game.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I believe that's an accurate description of it there.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43And he got battered round the head by some fella, and he battered him
0:16:43 > 0:16:45not as hard as he battered the other fella, and he won.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Sports Personality Of The Year, oxymoron, and I thought, well,
0:16:48 > 0:16:51this Tyson Fury fella has got one half of that correct.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Because he's running around with his religious beliefs,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55saying that he's a homophobe,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58and he believes homosexuality is a sign of the Armageddon,
0:16:58 > 0:16:59and all of this kind of thing.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03And people here are sort of going, "Yeah, well, we're used to that."
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- And...- What is said is women,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08their place is either in the kitchen or on their backs.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11And he says that's a man, that's what a real man thinks.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14And we know a real man thinks.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Real man changes babies' nappies,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19a real man shares the house work with his wife.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23A real man ensures his partner achieves their optimum.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Is that everything my wife's written? Is that everything?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36It says it there, "Look, if you say all those things,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38"I'll let you wear that stupid scarf."
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- Is Fury a normal surname anyway? - It is, he's an Irishman.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45He changed it. He did change it, though.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48He was Tyson Angry Bastard.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51But I do think...
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Tyson O'Toole he was at one point as well.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59I do think thank God he's a boxer, because his dad,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02his dad called him Tyson. And that expectation.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06My God, imagine that had happened to someone like me, being called Tyson.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Imagine being Tyson Fury - hairdresser to the stars,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10or something.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Now, what a week it's been.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Storm Desmond battered the UK and Ireland.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Storm Donald Trump battered the reputation of America.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23And Storm Nigel Dodds turned out to be a damp squib.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Yes, congratulations to Arlene Foster who will be the new DUP leader
0:18:28 > 0:18:30and First Minister.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Arlene is from Fermanagh,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34perhaps our most picturesque county.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Honestly, the countryside in Fermanagh is so wonderful,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39you could frack for miles down there.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Now, if you've suffered from the floods this week or had a power cut,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51you have our sympathy, but remember things could always be worse.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I mean, you could be a Muslim just about to go on holiday to America...
0:18:59 > 0:19:02..who supports Manchester United.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Now, on with the show.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06The audience ask the questions
0:19:06 > 0:19:08and our panel provide some very unreliable answers.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11So, what is our first question tonight from you, the audience?
0:19:11 > 0:19:15"Who's to blame for the panel always having a dig about Lurgan?"
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Says Jacqueline from Lurgan.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Can I just say, I've never had a dig at Lurgan.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I LOVE Buckfast.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Jacqueline, are you here?
0:19:27 > 0:19:32There you are. Thank you for coming from Lurgan to Belfast.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36It's not as if you can have a night out in Lurgan, is it?
0:19:36 > 0:19:41Jacqui, can I ask who did the writing for you on the...
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- AUDIENCE:- Ohhhh!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- APPLAUSE - Hold on, no, no, no,
0:19:47 > 0:19:53you don't get to clap and go "Ohhh!" at the same time. Make up your mind!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"Who's to blame for Jake O'Kane dressing like Bob Cratchit?"
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Says Annie in Downpatrick.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Who do you blame for funny money?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07An RTE television programme
0:20:07 > 0:20:11has exposed some councillors down south as being open to bribes.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14The electoral system is different down south.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Down there, they elect politicians and then find out they're criminals.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:27 > 0:20:28You're way ahead of me there!
0:20:30 > 0:20:31One councillor, Hugh McElvaney,
0:20:31 > 0:20:35demanded 10,000 in Sterling rather than euro
0:20:35 > 0:20:37because he might be corrupt, but he's not stupid.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42But who can we blame for funny money?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43I suppose I'd better take this one
0:20:43 > 0:20:45considering it's my part of the island.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Have you seen the undercover footage of the Monaghan fella?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49He is brilliant.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51They set up this fake company, RTE did,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53and then this Icelandic woman was chatting to him
0:20:53 > 0:20:56and she was like, "What can you do for us?"
0:20:56 > 0:20:57And he was like,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- LOUDLY AND SLOWLY: - "Here, I will do my homework
0:20:59 > 0:21:03"cos I know a load of people around the area."
0:21:03 > 0:21:05He's talking to her like she had broken English.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Her English was better than his English, right,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09and she goes, "What do you want?"
0:21:09 > 0:21:12And he goes, "If this is unsuccessful,
0:21:12 > 0:21:13"I don't want any money,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16"but if this is successful, I want loads of money!"
0:21:16 > 0:21:18And then he goes like this, he goes...
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Like the Macarena of bribery.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29That's not the only funny money one.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31There's another one, it's a brilliant one.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35A Catholic priest in Italy, he's been arrested
0:21:35 > 0:21:38because somebody left ten million quid to the parish
0:21:38 > 0:21:41and he spent 70 grand of the money, allegedly.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45He spent it on Mediterranean cruises or some sort of break,
0:21:45 > 0:21:50two fancy cars, a motorbike and a face-lift for his ma.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53How do you even bring that up?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- ITALIAN ACCENT:- "Mama..."
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Cos he's from a Dolmio ad.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03"Mama, I know you have a great devotion to the Virgin Mary,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05"but you know the best thing about the Virgin Mary?
0:22:05 > 0:22:06"She never let herself go."
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Trident missiles in Derry?
0:22:12 > 0:22:16No offence to Derry or Londonderry, both places are lovely...
0:22:16 > 0:22:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:19 > 0:22:22They're lovely, but, come on, they're very temperamental.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25And Derry, you can imagine the wee guy with his hand on the button,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28someone from Derry, even the letters coming in.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33"Here, Mrs Doherty, they've put Londonderry on this again! Jesus..."
0:22:34 > 0:22:36"Mrs Doherty, Mrs Doherty, phone Mr Doherty!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39"I've hit the button, Mrs Doherty! I've hit the button!"
0:22:39 > 0:22:42And nothing happens in Derry over lunchtime.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46"Wise up, eh? I'm having my lunch here. Will you wise up?
0:22:46 > 0:22:47"Will you stop going ballistic?"
0:22:47 > 0:22:50"Mrs Doherty, I've hit the button!"
0:22:50 > 0:22:52"It's not the end of the world. Will you settle down?"
0:22:52 > 0:22:54"Settle down."
0:22:55 > 0:22:5840 years to get rid of bombs in Northern Ireland
0:22:58 > 0:23:02and now Jeffrey Donaldson's going, "Come on in with that big one."
0:23:03 > 0:23:05It'll end up burned out in the Brandywell,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07see if it's a Trident submarine.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Seriously, it'll be in the middle of a housing estate
0:23:11 > 0:23:13and nobody will know how it got there.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22How desperate do you have to be to flee Syria, get in a wee boat,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25go across that sea, risk your life, get to Italy,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28travel through Europe, get to France...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30and then they send you to Derry?
0:23:31 > 0:23:32That's got to be...
0:23:32 > 0:23:35As if these people haven't got enough to cope with,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37they're from a war-torn area,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39they've been completely discriminated against
0:23:39 > 0:23:40for most of their lives
0:23:40 > 0:23:42and now they have to welcome people from Syria.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:52 > 0:23:54So, what is our next question tonight?
0:23:54 > 0:23:59Who do you blame for Uber coming to Northern Ireland?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Yes, Uber taxis are coming to Belfast.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Just what we need - more people whingeing about bus lanes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09But who can we blame for Uber coming to Belfast?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12All the local companies are going, "It's the end of the world!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14"We're all going to be unemployed,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"all the desk staff are going to be unemployed."
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Good! Good! Liars!
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I have never got one of them in my life who's told the truth.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26You phone and you say, "I'm going to the airport.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29"I need a taxi at eight o'clock." "No problem, pal, eight o'clock.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32"No problem. Eight o'clock."
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Ten past eight - "Listen, pal..."
0:24:33 > 0:24:38"He's at the top of the street, pal, and he's turning the corner.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41"Go away in, two minutes."
0:24:41 > 0:24:4525 past... "Listen, pal, I'm going to miss the plane."
0:24:45 > 0:24:48"Listen, we rang your bell. He's just after ringing your bell, pal."
0:24:48 > 0:24:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I like it when you don't have to talk to the people
0:24:57 > 0:24:59and you don't have to do that...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Cos the people that worked in those taxi depots, wow,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04if you're out there, wow...
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Those voices - mm-mm-mm!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Those people certainly aren't single with speaking voices like that!
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- COARSE:- "What do you want?"
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- SOPHISTICATED: - And hello to you, too.
0:25:16 > 0:25:22I would seek a conveyance, please, from the city centre
0:25:22 > 0:25:24going to the outskirts, somewhere in the suburbs.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- COARSE:- "No problem, it'll be about ten minutes."
0:25:28 > 0:25:32And being in a cab when they used to have the radios,
0:25:32 > 0:25:36it wasn't that long ago, either, and you're in a cab and you hear this...
0:25:36 > 0:25:40I was in a cab once in the middle of town, stuck in traffic
0:25:40 > 0:25:44and the radio was on, he had the wee speaker thing
0:25:44 > 0:25:47and you hear the woman coming through from the dispatch,
0:25:47 > 0:25:49beautiful speaking voice, and she says,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- COARSE:- "Anybody free to pick up at the Co?
0:25:51 > 0:25:56"Anybody free to pick up at the Co?"
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Nobody was free. "Anybody free to pick up at the Co?"
0:25:59 > 0:26:03I was wishing someone would just say yes, just stop her talking.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06And eventually this guy did answer and I swear to God,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09this guy was French, this guy had a French accent
0:26:09 > 0:26:10or he was putting it on.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12It was fantastic. "Anybody free to pick up at the Co?"
0:26:12 > 0:26:14All you heard through the speaker was,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- HUSKY FRENCH ACCENT:- "I will."
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Thank you very much for that. Just time now for a quickfire round.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I will read you various newspaper headlines
0:26:28 > 0:26:30and, unlike an on-the-run Republican,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32I want you to finish your sentence.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40There was a smattering of applause there,
0:26:40 > 0:26:42a lot of Republicans over there.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49"Three reasons to die."
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Larne, Lisburn, Strabane.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:56 > 0:26:59"The reason love hurts."
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Because you're doing it unnaturally!
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - It's not right!
0:27:07 > 0:27:10"How long is this going to take?"
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Foreplay in Ireland.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16"Glastonbury sells out in half an hour."
0:27:16 > 0:27:18It took Sinn Fein three years.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- AUDIENCE:- Ohhhhh!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24"Peter Robinson tipped for peerage."
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Still won't make Iris a lady.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- AUDIENCE:- Ohhhhh!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31APPLAUSE
0:27:37 > 0:27:41I think you know you've gone too far if I go, "Ah..."
0:27:42 > 0:27:46And, finally, "a bush too far".
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Beautician runs out of wax.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Well, that's it, that's the end of the show.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Next week, I'll be back with Colin, Jake and Neil
0:27:57 > 0:28:01when we'll be delivering a special Blame Game review of 2015.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04So, remember, until then, don't blame yourselves - blame each other!
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Goodbye!