0:00:30 > 0:00:33Hello! Hello, and welcome
0:00:33 > 0:00:35to The Blame Game Review Of 2015.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Yes, The Blame Game is the topical satire show that loves the news,
0:00:39 > 0:00:43the same way Pastor McConnell loves Muslims.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I'm Tim McGarry, and for the last time this year,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48please welcome your fundamentally funny men:
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Colin Murphy. APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Jake O'Kane. APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:59And Neil Delamere. APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:05And our special guest tonight is a Dubliner, based in England,
0:01:05 > 0:01:09who's such a brilliant comedian, he's never off the radio or the telly.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13You've seen him on Celebrity Juice, Have I Got News For You, and Mock The Week.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Yes, he's half man, half panel chair.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Please welcome the wonderful Andrew Maxwell.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22APPLAUSE
0:01:27 > 0:01:30And what a year 2015 was.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35Greek debt crisis, Syrian refugee crisis and Isis...crisis.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40At the start of the year, Jose Mourinho had a job...
0:01:43 > 0:01:47..you could trust Volkswagen, and a sentence with the words
0:01:47 > 0:01:50David Cameron and Peppa Pig made no sense at all.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:58In May we had a General Election, and the pollsters got it all wrong,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01and everyone was shocked when we got the Tories back.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Following the election, some people said we should get rid of polls
0:02:04 > 0:02:07altogether, which, ironically, was official Ukip policy.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11And it's been a year of dramatic comebacks.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16Star Wars made a triumphant return. And, talking of The Force Awakens,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19the 'RA made a very unwelcome comeback too.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23But then, apparently went away again.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25This took some people by surprise.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28I mean, Gerry Adams didn't even have time to renew his membership.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Yes, the IRA then flew away like a butterfly.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35A heavily armed butterfly.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Despite this, we got a fresh start in the Fresh Start Agreement.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44We agreed to agree the agreement we agreed last year.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Peter Robinson said he wanted to make the institutions better.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50And true to his word, he made the institutions better,
0:02:50 > 0:02:51when he resigned.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Our new First Minister will be Arlene Foster.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Yes, Margaret Thatcher was known as the Iron Lady,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Arlene will be known as the Norn Iron Lady.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03APPLAUSE
0:03:09 > 0:03:12So what lessons can we learn from 2015?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Firstly, compromise and political agreement are the way forward.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Secondly, and most important,
0:03:18 > 0:03:23never, ever go out with Adele and then dump her.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Honestly, you'll never hear the end of it.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28On with the show. The audience ask the questions
0:03:28 > 0:03:30and our panel provide some very unreliable answers.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34What's our first question? The same question we're going to ask everybody.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Yes, the first Syrian refugees have arrived in Northern Ireland.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39And can I say, you're very, very welcome.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42We used to have a reputation for being a bit backward,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45but now Northern Ireland is much more multicultural.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48We're used to dealing with all sorts of foreigners
0:03:48 > 0:03:51with their strange customs and accents. I mean, just watch this.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Neil, who do you blame...?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Who do you blame for 2015?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I'm glad you mentioned Gerry Adams there, because my moment of the year
0:04:02 > 0:04:06was when Prince Charles, or Cathal Windsor, as I like to call him...
0:04:08 > 0:04:11..met Gerry Adams. And there was this amazing moment.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13It's amazing because they're so different.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Prince Charles is a member of the Royal family, Gerry is a Republican.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Charles is obviously a monarchist, Gerry isn't.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Prince Charles is into organic farming,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24and Gerry's probably used fertiliser at some point...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28..in his life. People were going,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30what do these two men have to talk about?
0:04:30 > 0:04:31What do they talk about?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34What could a man who's waited for 60 years for the Queen to die
0:04:34 > 0:04:37possibly have to talk about to another man who...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Hmm, I don't know... Peace process?
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Peace process, me hole,
0:04:40 > 0:04:44he was putting out a contract on his ma, that's what he was doing!
0:04:44 > 0:04:45I like that thing.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48The stuff in America, all the gun laws,
0:04:48 > 0:04:52it was just constant stuff about gun laws all the time, and Trump,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55and him saying that everyone should have guns, and that would stop people.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57And they would be able to defend themselves.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00And you go, everybody on this side of the world is anti-gun.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02And then, have you ever fired a gun?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- Have you ever fired a gun? - I have, actually, yeah.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06You see, you get excited by the guns then.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I fired a gun, I fired a machine gun on my honeymoon.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15That's a weirder sentence than I thought it would be.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17She really annoyed me, drrt-drrt-drrt! No.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20So we went to this gun range. We didn't intend to go.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22And you had to fire three guns.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25And there was all these packages, so there was a Scarface package
0:05:25 > 0:05:27where you fire a gun that Scarface fires.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29There was a US Special Forces package
0:05:29 > 0:05:31where you fire the guns the Navy Seals fire.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35There was a Northern Irish Troubles package!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Where you fire a gun, deny you've ever fired it,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40and then stand for election in County Louth.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46So this guy comes out, his name was Robert, he goes,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49"I'm an active member of the US military, I'll be your instructor."
0:05:49 > 0:05:51And he hands me this rubber gun and shows me how to shoot.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53And at the end, right, he says,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56"Will you write a TripAdvisor review of the gun range?"
0:05:56 > 0:05:57And I said, absolutely.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59But I wrote the TripAdvisor review of the gun range
0:05:59 > 0:06:04pretending I was someone who should never, ever be allowed in a gun range.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I pretended I was called Seamus from West Belfast and I'd just
0:06:07 > 0:06:11been released under the terms of the Good Friday Agreement, right?
0:06:11 > 0:06:15So not only is it still up on TripAdvisor, Robert wrote a reply to it.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20I'm going to read it out to you. You'll get what I was hinting at.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21"Wow! What a great experience.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25"I'm a bit rusty, but I was really looking forward to getting back into shooting."
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Straight over his head, right?
0:06:26 > 0:06:30"Robert, our brilliant instructor, was full of chat, telling us he thought it was
0:06:30 > 0:06:33"every American's right to bear arms, but that was quite a Republican principle.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35"I told him I was a bit of a Republican myself, lol!
0:06:39 > 0:06:43"To familiarise us with the weapons, Robert showed us a rubber gun and some real bullets.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46"We told him we were more used to that the other way around.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51"Robert was so patient, even correcting my technique
0:06:51 > 0:06:53"when I fired into the paper target's knees.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55"Force of habit!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"He also told us how important it was to oil the weapon regularly.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02"We didn't know much about the oil
0:07:02 > 0:07:06"but told him we could do an excellent deal on cheap diesel.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08"Safety was the number one priority.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"We had to wear goggles at all times, which is a first for me.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15"On previous firearms trips, my eyes were the only part of me NOT covered.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21"Every one of the staff was so friendly, and we'd would particularly like to thank them
0:07:21 > 0:07:25"for their quick thinking when Seano started having his flashbacks.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31"I'm sure most customers love having the paper targets of figures as souvenirs.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34"The staff couldn't have known that laying the figure of a man he'd just
0:07:34 > 0:07:37"shot into the boot of his car would bring on Sean's terrible episode.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41"Everyone should try this, you can even go on your own.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45"Just turn up, present one of your passports...
0:07:45 > 0:07:47"and fire some rounds.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51"We might be back later on, because we haven't gone away, you know?"
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Robert writes a two-line reply to this.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57The first line is, "Oh, my God, thanks so much for an amazing review!"
0:07:57 > 0:08:00The second line is,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"Hope you had a blast!"
0:08:02 > 0:08:04APPLAUSE
0:08:11 > 0:08:14The guards, in the South, we don't let them have guns.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16We think it'll only encourage them.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- Yeah.- We just give them...
0:08:19 > 0:08:20They're excitable.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Yeah, we just give them, they've got a stick and a dream.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29As someone, I mean, I've borrowed one of their uniforms this evening.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I remember when I was 16, I was caught in the park,
0:08:32 > 0:08:36drinking with me mates by the guards.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Drunkenly, I was being put in the back of the cop car,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42and I drunkenly asked the guard, "Have you got a gun?"
0:08:42 > 0:08:46And I quote, he said, "Why would I need a gun
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"when I can take off me shoe and bate you with it?"
0:08:49 > 0:08:51APPLAUSE
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Thank you very much for that.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Yes indeed, Donald Trump has outraged mainstream opinion in America.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05A Republican opponent described him as unhinged.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Unlike his hair, which clearly has some sort of hinge mechanism.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12It wasn't, however, all bad news this year -
0:09:12 > 0:09:14there was, of course, sporting triumph.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Yes, both the Republic and Northern Ireland
0:09:17 > 0:09:18are going to the Euros next year!
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Things have changed, yes -
0:09:20 > 0:09:23even Martin McGuinness supports Northern Ireland.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26He'll be there in France, singing along with the fans,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28"We're not Brazil, we're the North...!"
0:09:31 > 0:09:34And, "Northern...part of the island."
0:09:35 > 0:09:36So, who's next?
0:09:36 > 0:09:41Yes, in 2015, we asked ourselves the same questions again and again -
0:09:41 > 0:09:44will we ever get stable government at Stormont?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Does the IRA still exist?
0:09:46 > 0:09:50And, most of all, what the hell is that thing around Jake O'Kane's neck?
0:09:52 > 0:09:57So, Jake, who do you blame for 2015?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Irish language.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59What?!
0:10:00 > 0:10:05Marty O Muilleoir, wee Marty, ex-Lord Mayor, he was up in arms
0:10:05 > 0:10:09because you can't order a Big Mac off the Falls Road in Irish.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11You can order it in Spanish, you can order it in French,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14but you can't order it in Irish.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Which is disgraceful. And for the Protestants whose cars may one day
0:10:17 > 0:10:22break down in West Belfast, and would starve otherwise,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24it's called a Mac Mor.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26And the other one they did, they put -
0:10:26 > 0:10:28even loyalists had to smile at this -
0:10:28 > 0:10:31when they put the tricolour on Stormont.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- They stuck a tricolour up on Stormont.- Was that this year?
0:10:34 > 0:10:39And I don't care how mad a loyalist you were, you got to smile at that.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42The ones who claimed responsibility are the 1916 Committee,
0:10:42 > 0:10:45and who they are, nobody knows.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47But they were the first ones to spot it and go,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49"Sean, phone in! Phone in! That's us!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Cos there's that many of them now. There's that many!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54The IRA have come out and said they're not going to allow
0:10:54 > 0:10:55anybody else to use the IRA name.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Because there's that many - Real IRA, Continuity IRA, Dissident IRA, 1916 Committee -
0:10:59 > 0:11:01it's going to be like Spartacus - "I'm the IRA!"
0:11:01 > 0:11:03"No, I'm the IRA!" "No, I'm the IRA!"
0:11:03 > 0:11:06You're having a go at the Irish language,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- didn't Peter Robinson speak a little bit of it recently? - Wasn't that a joke!
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Ah, it was brilliant though,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13because Martin McGuinness was paying tribute to Peter Robinson,
0:11:13 > 0:11:17and he said, "We're the only two ministers left from 1999," I think it was.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21And he said, "You're going now, and my day will come as well."
0:11:21 > 0:11:23And there was a pause, and Peter Robinson went,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25"Isn't that tiocfaidh ar la?"
0:11:25 > 0:11:27And everybody went, ha-ha-ha,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29and were really surprised that he said tiocfaidh ar la.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I was very surprised as well, because tiocfaidh ar la means
0:11:32 > 0:11:34OUR day will come, whereas he said MY day will come.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I mean, grammatically, it's completely wrong.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40If you're going to speak Irish, make an effort, that's what I'm saying.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43There's a weird approach to the Irish language in the South as well.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46There was a Romanian dude, and he lives in Swords, just north of Dublin,
0:11:46 > 0:11:47and he was done for drunk driving.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49And he was over the limit, and he got the off,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52because the printer, the breathalyser machine that prints out
0:11:52 > 0:11:55a statement, they didn't give it to him in Irish as well as English.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57And his defence had to explain that to him.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01"You're going to get off, because the breathalyser statement wasn't in Irish."
0:12:01 > 0:12:04"I don't speak Irish." "No-one speaks Irish, you're grand!"
0:12:04 > 0:12:05"But I was drunk."
0:12:05 > 0:12:08"But you have to be drunk in two languages, you're grand!"
0:12:08 > 0:12:11And they've changed the rules. Don't mind printing a statement out,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14they should print a picture depending on how pissed you are.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16You pull up to a checkpoint, now you blow, you blow into that,
0:12:16 > 0:12:20if you're under the legal limit, it's just a picture of your face, normal.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22If you're like four times the legal limit,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24it should be a picture of you drinking vodka,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28or Blue WKD out of a traffic cone you stole from a roundabout.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30And if you're really drunk, you just blow into that, oh, my God,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33you've broken the breathalyser machine, you blew into it
0:12:33 > 0:12:36but a picture Shane McGowan came out the other end of it!
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Yes, thank you for that.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Ireland has a long and troubled relationship with Great Britain.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Some nationalists say Britain always oppresses the Irish.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Cromwell, the penal laws, the famine, and, in 2015,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50they chucked Daniel O'Donnell off Strictly.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Will they never learn?
0:12:53 > 0:12:562015 was a good year for Rory McIlroy.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57He got engaged,
0:12:57 > 0:13:02and it was revealed that his sponsorships are worth £280 million.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Rory is sponsored by Nike,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Nike don't have much luck with their sponsorships.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09They sponsored serial cheater Tiger Woods,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12drugs cheat Lance Armstrong, and Oscar Pistorius.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Be great to see the Nike swoosh on his prison uniform.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Yes, that's why Tyson Fury never wears Nike,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22he doesn't want to tarnish his good image.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28And 2015 was also a very good year for the Scottish National party.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31They won a landslide in the general election,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34just a few months after losing the referendum on independence.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Some people say this sent out a confusing message.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Not at all, the message is very clear -
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Scots hate everything English,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44apart from English money.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50So, Andrew Maxwell, you've been in Scotland recently,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53who do you blame for 2015?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I think 2014 has to take part of the blame.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05APPLAUSE
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I don't know who to blame.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I think the most amazing thing about 2015
0:14:16 > 0:14:21was the equal marriage referendum in the South.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23It was an amazing thing, you know?
0:14:23 > 0:14:24A little bit of love...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I mean, that level of sexual liberality is just mind-blowing.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34The Ireland I grew up in, I just can't believe that the Ireland
0:14:34 > 0:14:39I grew up in has come to this level of maturity and open-mindedness!
0:14:39 > 0:14:40It's just mind-blowing, like!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42The Ireland I grew up in,
0:14:42 > 0:14:46people used to write the word "sex" on walls and run away.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53You don't know whether they're for it or against it.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Just, "Sex! Arrgh!"
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Then you just run away and just look at it for a while.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03"Phwoar, if it feels that good writing it,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05"can you imagine DOING it?"
0:15:06 > 0:15:09The other thing that came out of it,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I didn't even know that equal marriage was the proper term.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13You know?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I thought it was gay marriage, I didn't know it was equal marriage.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I'm all for it, like, but I just didn't know that was the term.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21The first time I heard that, I thought, I don't care
0:15:21 > 0:15:24whether two men fall in love and want to marry each other,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27but I don't want them to be equal.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30No, no, no - you want a big hairy scary one,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32and a little one in a dickie bow.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Right?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44"A little one in a dickie bow"?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46You know? "I'm a rager!"
0:15:46 > 0:15:48"I like little kittens."
0:15:48 > 0:15:51APPLAUSE
0:15:55 > 0:15:57That's called compatibility!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01The last time I was in town here in Belfast was two days
0:16:01 > 0:16:03before the referendum in the South.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I did a gig here and I asked, "How do you feel about it?"
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Some people cheered and other people weren't bothered.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Both of those are perfectly healthy responses.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- One guy went... - IN ULSTER ACCENT:- "I'm against it!"
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I'll be honest with you, I didn't know if he was winding me up or not.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18He's at a comedy gig, so it wasn't like, you know...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20He went, "I'm against it,"
0:16:20 > 0:16:24and I was like, "Why?" He went, "It says it in the Bible."
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Specifically, I'm sure we've all read the good book.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31There's only one reference to man-on-man action in the Bible
0:16:31 > 0:16:32and that's in the Book of Leviticus.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36One reference in Leviticus, yeah, to gay action.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41And 28 references to not eating shellfish, right?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44But we're not shutting down Donaghadee, are we?!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:49It's a hotbed of it!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52They're down there, licking shells!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Making strange with crustaceans day and night!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Watching SpongeBob SquarePants in Irish.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Apart from anything else, specifically the wording,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07cos I love the good book,
0:17:07 > 0:17:08the specific wording -
0:17:08 > 0:17:11it says in Leviticus, "Man shall not lie with other man,"
0:17:11 > 0:17:13and brothers and sisters, I'm not going to pretend,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15as a straight man, that I'm fully au fait
0:17:15 > 0:17:18with all the possible gay sexual positions out there,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20but I don't think that's one of them.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24I don't think they're LYING beside each other.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I don't think they've got a position called "the Twix".
0:17:26 > 0:17:29LAUGHTER
0:17:29 > 0:17:31APPLAUSE
0:17:35 > 0:17:37"Can you believe this is a sin, Gearoid?"
0:17:40 > 0:17:42"That's what I was just thinking, Colum."
0:17:43 > 0:17:45We're quite progressive up here.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I know you've had equal marriage - pretty soon up here,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- a gay man will be able to buy a cake. - He will!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:53 > 0:17:55SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- But the last vote on same-sex marriage...- It passed.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00..we actually voted for it in the Assembly.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- But then the DUP used their veto. - A "petition of concern".
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Petition of concern.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Which is put there for sectarianism, not for homophobia - get it right.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14But they're very obsessed with the gay sex thing.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16They're very obsessed with...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19The ministers that are often on the radio programmes
0:18:19 > 0:18:21are often talking about it - "It's not right,
0:18:21 > 0:18:26"man shall not lie with man, it's not right, and it's wrong.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28"Man shall not be touching another man,
0:18:28 > 0:18:32"no part of a man should go into another part of another man,
0:18:32 > 0:18:33"unless he's a dentist."
0:18:33 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:40 > 0:18:42No mention of the women, no mention of the women,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45because they think, "Oh, that's normal, that's lovely.
0:18:45 > 0:18:51"That's two women bathing each other and washing each other's hair.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"Lovely."
0:18:53 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:58But there's nothing that can go into them.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01All they can do is kind of knock on each other's front door
0:19:01 > 0:19:02over and over.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Thank you very much for that. Yes, it's all change in the Republic
0:19:07 > 0:19:09and in British politics as well.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12For instance, personally, I'm delighted that Jeremy Corbyn
0:19:12 > 0:19:15is Labour leader, not because of his politics -
0:19:15 > 0:19:18it's because I now have a sideline as a Corbyn impersonator.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21And finally tonight, we have to ask Colin Murphy,
0:19:21 > 0:19:28- who do you blame for 2015? - This year, I...I...
0:19:28 > 0:19:30As you know, I'm not a person involved in social media
0:19:30 > 0:19:33of any shape or form. It's all about personal information.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37This year just seems to be constantly leaks of any description,
0:19:37 > 0:19:41any digital information is just being leaked.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I got a letter yesterday from Volkswagen,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47because that whole information was leaked out
0:19:47 > 0:19:49about them and their emissions and all that.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53I got this thing going, "Sorry, yours is knackered as well."
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Everything, the weirdest things - the Ashley Madison thing,
0:19:56 > 0:20:00a phenomenal number of people involved in that,
0:20:00 > 0:20:04that horrible site that was created by this Canadian dude.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07It's for people who want to have extramarital affairs
0:20:07 > 0:20:11and people - men - sign up to it and the guy that owns this thing
0:20:11 > 0:20:15is a guy called Biderman, I think his name is, and he's married!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18I didn't realise this, he's been married for ten years or whatever.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20He came up...
0:20:20 > 0:20:23What kind of person is he married to that he arrives home one day
0:20:23 > 0:20:25going, "I've got a great idea for a little website.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29"I'm going to have a website for guys who want to have an affair."
0:20:29 > 0:20:31And she's there going, "Really?"
0:20:31 > 0:20:35You never know, she might have been going, "What's it called?"
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Yeah, everybody's details have been flashed around the place.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44The slogan of the website is, "Life's short, so have an affair."
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I think most people would think,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49"Have an affair and life is short" is a much better slogan for it.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- Do you know why it's called Ashley Madison?- Why?
0:20:51 > 0:20:56They just picked two random American women's names
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- and put them together.- Really? - Ashley and Madison are common names.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03The Siobhan Dympna website doesn't do the same thing.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- No.- Ashley Madison sounds like you're going to have sex
0:21:05 > 0:21:07with some sort of Californian co-ed.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10The Siobhan Dympna website sounds like you're just going to be
0:21:10 > 0:21:13cleaning the muck out of a GAA football boot for ages.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I'd genuinely never heard of it. The first time I saw the headline,
0:21:16 > 0:21:17"Ashley Madison leaked,"
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I thought it was some ould doll with a bladder problem.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- I genuinely... - LAUGHTER
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- I'd never heard of it before.- You're right, their motto was rubbish.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Affairs are complicated - I'd just prefer to have a pint in a pub.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31It shouldn't be "Life..." What is it?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33"Life is short. Have an affair."
0:21:33 > 0:21:35It should be "Life is an affair. Have a short."
0:21:37 > 0:21:39That'd be much easier.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43There's just so much stuff and your Facebook history is going to be...
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Everybody can get access to this and what you're looking up.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- Do you know those iWatches? Sorry, the...- Apple Watch?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- No, the fitness things. - Ah, Fitbit.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56You know the way you upload your information on your Fitbit thing?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Now, all of a sudden, insurance companies
0:21:58 > 0:22:01are going to start offering you cheap life insurance,
0:22:01 > 0:22:03cos they see how fit you actually are.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05People fill in those forms - "Do you do much running?"
0:22:05 > 0:22:08"Yeah, run about ten miles a week."
0:22:08 > 0:22:11"Do you drink?" "Naw, a glass of wine on a Friday."
0:22:14 > 0:22:18"Well, it is difficult finding vegan wine where I live!"
0:22:18 > 0:22:20People lie about this and say they do all these things
0:22:20 > 0:22:23and now this actually proves what you actually do,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26so what I'm thinking is if you got one of these watches,
0:22:26 > 0:22:27strap it to a 17-year-old.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Just let them...
0:22:29 > 0:22:31What have we done with Facebook?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I mean, as a generation, what have we done?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35If your government came to you and went,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37"We want to know everything about you,"
0:22:37 > 0:22:41not just once every ten years fill in a long, boring form -
0:22:41 > 0:22:43every hour, every minute, every day, who are your friends,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45what are your connections, what do you like,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47what did you have for dinner?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50"Take a picture of your dinner and send it to me!"
0:22:52 > 0:22:54You'd rightfully tell your government to back off,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56but we've given that to Facebook for free
0:22:56 > 0:22:59and all we got back in return was the vague possibility
0:22:59 > 0:23:03of becoming reacquainted with some bell-end from our primary school.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08APPLAUSE
0:23:08 > 0:23:10"You! You!"
0:23:13 > 0:23:15That was the whole thing as well, that was the 'RA Report...
0:23:15 > 0:23:20- It should have been called the Raaar! Report.- Raar! Rar-rar-rar!
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- It turns out the 'RA do exist, but...- What(!)- Yeah!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27When you say "the 'RA Report", it sounds like a school card -
0:23:27 > 0:23:29"Yeah, could do better."
0:23:29 > 0:23:32It said the Army Council exists, but like most councils,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34it isn't working.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36In Dublin, the Shinners have actually now taken over
0:23:36 > 0:23:41- the 1916 commemoration. - Of course they have.- Yeah.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42I mean, it's what they're into.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46You know what I mean? It's what they're into.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47I mean, there it is.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Everybody else has moved on to other stuff.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54You know what I mean? That's what they're into.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57You know what I mean? It's a stroke of genius, really, isn't it?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Taking over a post office and waiting till you get killed.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Not just a post office.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- A post office and a biscuit factory. - A biscuit factory!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Not only a post office and a biscuit factory.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Also digging trenches in Stephen's Green,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20a small square surrounded by high buildings.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"We have been very clever for a very long time."
0:24:26 > 0:24:29And it was bank holiday Monday, so it was a nightmare
0:24:29 > 0:24:32trying to get into the post office in the first place. It was shut!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I can just hear heads exploding in West Belfast.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39As long as that's all that's exploding in West Belfast.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Stroke of genius, that's what they were doing,
0:24:41 > 0:24:45while up here, the Prods were signing the Covenant.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46"Give me your finger, Sammy!
0:24:46 > 0:24:50"Let's write things in blood like we're teenage girls."
0:24:50 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:58 > 0:25:00"Best brethren forever!"
0:25:01 > 0:25:04"I'm signing it!" "So am I!"
0:25:06 > 0:25:09We've been ruled by utter bell-ends forever.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13- I did this...- JAKE:- I love the fact you've offended everybody.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER
0:25:16 > 0:25:18That's the aim, people, that's the aim.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22I had to do a tourism gig, right,
0:25:22 > 0:25:26where I had to do... It was put on by Discover Ireland,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29which is the all-Ireland tourism initiative, yeah?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I'd done some gigs and a few bits and pieces for them,
0:25:31 > 0:25:35so I did this gig, this is about three or four years ago,
0:25:35 > 0:25:39for Australian travel agents.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44Right? It was about 200 Australian travel agents in a hotel in London
0:25:44 > 0:25:47and afterwards... I'd taken the piss out of all of this rainy,
0:25:47 > 0:25:51god-awful island that I love so much cos I'm a comedian.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Afterwards, these guys came up to me, dead serious, they're like...
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- "Excuse me, we want to ask you a question."
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"Yeah?" He goes, "What's it like in Northern Ireland?"
0:26:01 > 0:26:05I went, "It's sort of like the rest of Ireland, only with health care.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11"But they seem to have a lot more accidents."
0:26:11 > 0:26:16He went, "Would we be safe going there?"
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I was like, "They're not looking for you!"
0:26:18 > 0:26:20LAUGHTER
0:26:24 > 0:26:28This guy genuinely went, "What's sectarianism?"
0:26:28 > 0:26:29I was like, "How...?"
0:26:29 > 0:26:33It's only then, when you're that far away for it,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35how am I going to explain 400 years
0:26:35 > 0:26:40of ethno-religious internecine tribal warfare
0:26:40 > 0:26:43to somebody who's never even owned a pair of lace-up shoes?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50The history of Ireland - up to about 15 years ago,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53we didn't have anybody else in Ireland. You know?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55You know?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57We had nobody to actually be racist to.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01We knew eventually somebody would show up.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06So for the last 400 years, we just split ourselves into two teams
0:27:06 > 0:27:08and just practised.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- Here we are. - APPLAUSE
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Thank you, thank you, thank you very much for that.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we've just got time for our quickfire round.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I will read you various newspaper headlines
0:27:21 > 0:27:24and I want you to be faster than Neil Delamere asking,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27"Can I be paid in sterling, please?"
0:27:28 > 0:27:30"What to do if you're married to a sex addict."
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Buy a padded headboard.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:36"Too fat to be an American soldier."
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Join Isis!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Their flowing robes will hide a multitude of sins.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46"Standing next to the edge."
0:27:46 > 0:27:48The title of Bono's new autobiography.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55And finally, "House prices to rise by 70,000 next year."
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Houses in Lurgan will now be worth 70,000.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:08That's it, that's the end of the show and the current series.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Please show your appreciation to our panel, Colin Murphy...
0:28:12 > 0:28:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:16..Andrew Maxwell...
0:28:16 > 0:28:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:17 > 0:28:19..Jake O'Kane...
0:28:19 > 0:28:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:22..and Neil Delamere!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:28:24 > 0:28:28I'm Tim McGarry - until next year, don't blame yourselves,
0:28:28 > 0:28:30blame each other. Goodbye!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:33That was a good rehearsal.