0:00:54 > 0:00:58Mulled wine! Get your lovely mulled wine!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Mulled mullet! Get your mullet here!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Mulled mullet, sir?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Find out the date and time for a farthing! Date and time for a farthing!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Find out the date and time for a farthing!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Why, it's mid-nineteenth century, just before lunch,
0:01:13 > 0:01:17- on Christmas Eve o'clock.- Curses! I thought it was 20 to Easter!
0:01:24 > 0:01:25- Ah!- Mulled wine!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Get your lovely mulled wine!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- Mulled wine!- Oh! - Get your lovely mulled wine!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Aha!
0:01:41 > 0:01:45I urgently need Christmas presents for one wife, one son, one mother.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Of course, sir. Perhaps for your son,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49a pineapple Duke Of Wellington?
0:01:49 > 0:01:54- A healthy mix of fruit and militarism. I'll take it. - And for your wife,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56how about this wheel of tiger milk cheddar?
0:01:56 > 0:02:00She does love a novelty curdled milk product. I'll have that, too.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- Perhaps those busts of the Muses for Mother?- Alas, not for sale. Sentimental reasons.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Might I suggest instead a rhyming pair of slippers and kippers gift set?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Fishy and comfortable!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12What a wonderful shop!
0:02:14 > 0:02:15- Good day.- Good day.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Allow me...
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- Thank you. My husband adores his hot and spicy dodo wings. - And that is the last tin.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- I'm sure you can order more.- No.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Aarghh! Urchin alert! The underclass is here!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Please, Lady Spendlots, show some Christmas spirit.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Can I help you,
0:02:35 > 0:02:37rough, strange-smelling boy?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40What can I get for this handful of horse dung?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Why, a whole two handfuls of sheep dung.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Cor, this is going to be a brilliant Christmas!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Thanks, Mister!- Mm-hmm.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Let all hear this.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54My shop is free of class, division and prejudice,
0:02:54 > 0:02:55and is open to everyone!
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- Bonjour. - Except, of course, the French!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- Hurrah!- Ah!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05It is closing time, I am afraid.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- A Christmas harrumble for the noble Mr Jedrington Secret-Past! - CUSTOMERS: A Christmas harrumble!
0:03:25 > 0:03:29And now, perhaps, you can turn from business to pleasure.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Dearest wife, Conceptiva!
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Beloved children, Victor and Victoria!
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Merry Yuletidiness, Father.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I have made you a festive jam spaniel.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I shall save it for later, my littlie.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Is it now time for Christmas, Papa, and games such as
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Mucka-Lucka-Wucka and Pin The Tail On The Pauper?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Not quite yet.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52For remember, by law, Christmas only truly begins
0:03:52 > 0:03:55with the midnight chimes of London's three great alliterative clocks,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Big Ben,
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Massive Maurice...
0:04:00 > 0:04:01..and Tiny Terry.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07But, when they chime, why, it is Christmas ahoy and joy-o'clock. Now,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I must to the butcher
0:04:09 > 0:04:11for our feast of rack of badger.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16If you hurry home, my love, you may find an early Christmas present.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21For beneath my skirt, my underskirt, my under-under skirt, my over-pants, my sub-over-pants,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24and my proxidermal, anti-tactile man-be-gones,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- WHISPERS:- I am wearing virtually nothing at all.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Cripes!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I command you to emerge!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Yes? Are you a rude carol singer?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Thank you, Mr Hacksmeat. - God bless you, sir.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Merry Christmas.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03But tall and frightening sir,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06there must be a misunderstanding.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I assure you, madam, if there has been a misunderstanding,
0:05:09 > 0:05:13it is the misunderstanding you have made in misunderstanding
0:05:13 > 0:05:16that there is no misunderstanding other than your own misunderstanding.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Merry Christmas.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Look, my love, he also threw in a brace of that most
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- Christmassy of birds, the tinsel tit.- Oh!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25You are Jedrington Secret-Past,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27owner of the Old Shop Of Stuff?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I am, but...
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Silence!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34By order of court, I,
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Malifax Skulkingworm,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38hereby detainerate
0:05:38 > 0:05:41your entire estatelment, including, and not outcluding,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44ALL chattels, owningtons,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47possessionaries, and what we lawyers call...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49"things".
0:05:49 > 0:05:51You...what?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I am taking everything you own.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Oh! Such cruelty!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I assure you, madam, I am not cruel.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Indeed, I am a lovelington and a softy-boots.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08But alas, I work for a client who is, to use a legal term,
0:06:08 > 0:06:09a "right old meanie".
0:06:09 > 0:06:11What client?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Alas, the law forbids me to tell you his name.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Naughty, nasty law!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19You must at least tell me what I am supposed to have done!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21You have an unpaid debt.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I have never borrowed money in my life!
0:06:24 > 0:06:28No, but your grandfather did, and as his heir, the debt is now yours.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31That is impossible, for I have no grandfather.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35My husband is a foundling, adopted by a family who discovered him as an infant
0:06:35 > 0:06:38left in a toy railway station left in a handbag shop.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43Nonetheless, I have documents which prove that the debt is yours.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Fearshiver!
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Begging your pudding and baking your pardon, sir.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01- But... this is incomprehensible gibberish.- Yes. It is the law.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06There are three pages here where it just says "weasel". How much is this debt?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Two guineas.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Oh, well, if that's all it is...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I hadn't finished. Two guineas,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15another 3,000 guineas, a half crown,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18two tiaras, five farthings, and sweatlepence.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Where am I supposed to find that kind of money? I don't even know what some of it is!
0:07:22 > 0:07:23How much is sweatlepence?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25About 4,000 guineas.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27(How much?)
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Can you pay this debt?
0:07:30 > 0:07:35- I cannot.- Then I hereby confiscate all that you own
0:07:35 > 0:07:39until such time as the debt is repaymentified!
0:07:39 > 0:07:42So, I am to lose everything?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Not everything, my dear husband, for we still have each other.
0:07:48 > 0:07:54Yes, as to that, according to the Married Man's Property And Insult To Women Act of 1806,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58you and your children are deemed your husband's property.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Remove them!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Oh! I fear an attack of the panications!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05This will calm you, Mama.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Thank you, Victoria. Though also, ow.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14SCREAMS
0:08:14 > 0:08:16In you get. And now,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18remove the property!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22HORSE WHINNIES
0:08:31 > 0:08:33HE LAUGHS EVILLY
0:08:42 > 0:08:45SCREAMS
0:08:51 > 0:08:56They will be held in London's most notorious debtor's prison.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Not The Skint?- Certainly.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Oh, and did I mention
0:09:01 > 0:09:03that if the debt is not repaid by Christmas Day,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05you will lose you family for ever?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07But that is...
0:09:07 > 0:09:08less than 11 hours away!
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Ooh, I'll take that, thank you!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Should you need me, by any chance,
0:09:13 > 0:09:14here's my card.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Now, one last thing...
0:09:21 > 0:09:24LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:09:29 > 0:09:32I'm awfully sorry. Again, not me, my client.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35He really is the most colossal git.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Come on, Fearshiver.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42A Christmas boo for Mr Secret-Past, the debt-ridden liar.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44CUSTOMERS: A Christmas boo!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I must seek help.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02You arrive at an exciting time, dear adoptive nephew.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05We have just decorated our Christmas tree.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09How...festive.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Alas, I am in trouble, adoptive maiden aunts,
0:10:11 > 0:10:12adoptive maiden uncle.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Such effrontery!
0:10:14 > 0:10:18If our parents chose to name us after the great virtues,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22morality dictates you should speak our names out loud.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Of course, Aunt Chastity, dear Aunt Sobriety,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Aunt Good-Spelling,
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- Uncle Writes-Prompt-Thank-You-Cards. - Have a seat, dear boy.- Thank you.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- Oh!- Ah!- Eee!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- What?- The deadly sin of sloth!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Would you like some cake?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Please.- Oh!- Ah!- Eee!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- What?- The deadly sin of gluttony!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Then I shall not have cake.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I don't blame you. It's horrid.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Gravel cake is the most sternly moral cake of them all.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- After jam and Bible sponge. - Please, I do not have
0:10:52 > 0:10:56time to discuss the ethics of baked goods, for my shop and my family have been taken from me.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Oh!- Ah!- Eee! Why?
0:10:58 > 0:11:02The courts believe that I have inherited a debt from my grandfather.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05But as a foundling, I have no grandfather.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Do I?
0:11:06 > 0:11:07AUNTS: Definitely not.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12That is not entirely true...
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- is it?- Yes, it is.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Shut up, Writes-Prompt-Thank-You-Cards.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Please. You know how proud I am
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- of overcoming my orphanhood. - Oh!- Ah!- Eee! The deadly sin of pride!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24All those years, watching other families,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- wishing I had one of my own. - Oh!- Ah!- Eee! Envy!
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Dear maiden aunts,
0:11:28 > 0:11:29I miss my wife.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31That definitely hints at lust!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33To have my family taken away...
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- I cannot bear the thought! - And now wrath!
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Dear boy,
0:11:39 > 0:11:40your name is...
0:11:43 > 0:11:45..not without meaning.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- What, Jedrington? - The other one.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Secret-Past? What meaning could that possibly have?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- None whatsoever. Goodbye.- No!
0:11:53 > 0:11:54It's time he was told.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Very well.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00But one more deadly sin, and he's out of here!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03There was once another chair round this table.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05A fourth maiden aunt?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Neither maiden, nor aunt.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09What do you mean?
0:12:09 > 0:12:10It's a long story.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- How long?- 10 hours, 43 minutes.- Then it must wait,
0:12:14 > 0:12:18for that is slightly longer than the time I have in which to free my family.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Please, dear adoptive relatives, I need to borrow a considerable sum of money from you.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- Oh!- Ah!- Eee! Avarice!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Sin Go!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30SCREAMS
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Please! You're the only adoptive family I've got!
0:12:35 > 0:12:36I am hurt.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I must visit my poor family.
0:13:00 > 0:13:06Why, new guests! Welcome, welcome to this finest of institutions!
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Finest of institutions? Are you some kind of mentalist?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Dearest, please, do not say "mentalist".
0:13:12 > 0:13:18It is very insulting. Kindly use a more sensitive term such as soft-head, nut-job or derange-atron.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Allow me to introduce myself... I am Mr Jolliforth Jollington,
0:13:24 > 0:13:29a man who believes that even in desperate circumstances there can be politeness and joy.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34For is it not Christmas, the jolliest, holliest time of all?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36For Christmas brings games and
0:13:36 > 0:13:38japes and jellies and baubles
0:13:38 > 0:13:41and peace and goodwill to all men...
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Oh! It is the most wonderful time of the year!
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Say what you like, mother, he's definitely a mentalist.
0:13:50 > 0:13:57Tough crowd. Madam, with your blessing I shall show your children the finer side of The Skint!
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Well, the rest of it, anyway. There isn't really a finer side.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Please, if there is hope in this hellish place, show them it.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15BELLS PEAL, RAVENS CAW
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Mr Skulkingworm!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Mr Skulkingworm!
0:14:48 > 0:14:54You fiend! Look what you have done to me and my family. Have you no mercy?
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Madam, I am brimming with mercy. Look at my merciful eyes...
0:14:59 > 0:15:02See my merciful elbows...
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Hear my merciful voice...
0:15:05 > 0:15:11Oh, ooh, ooh, oh...
0:15:11 > 0:15:18But alas, my client wishes you to suffer like rats in a rat sufferer.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21And I must do his bidding.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23No!
0:15:35 > 0:15:39JOLLIFORTH: ..and alas, the horse ate all my money and so here I am.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Are you sure you're not mad?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43No, just a man who cannot tell
0:15:43 > 0:15:47a horse from a bank. Ah! But here is a man who is truly bonkers-o-matic.
0:15:47 > 0:15:53This is The Skint's longest-serving and most mysterious resident, Mr Martin Fruitcake...
0:15:53 > 0:15:59Please, join me in a toast to my forthcoming nuptials!
0:15:59 > 0:16:06Ah, egg nog! Delicious! There is no drink more eggy or more noggy...
0:16:06 > 0:16:09even when it is pretend!
0:16:09 > 0:16:16Christmas tomorrow, wedding tomorrow, happy then, yes...
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Great. One mentalist, one nut-job.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21What is he rambling on about?
0:16:21 > 0:16:26He is silent all year, then every Yuletide Eve he talks of marriage
0:16:26 > 0:16:30and comes to this visitors' window as if waiting for someone.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39FOOTSTEPS
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- Papa!- Papa!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I would recognise that paternal trouser anywhere!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Papa!- Papa!
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- Dear children! But where? - Papa, look!
0:16:54 > 0:16:59Ah, Terpsichore, muse of dance...
0:16:59 > 0:17:04No! Those statues were found next to my abandoned infant husband.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07The only connection to his real family he has!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Maybe. We think.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12An accident, I assure you.
0:17:12 > 0:17:18Look, Graham, muse of sensible names... Oh!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Clumsy me. So careless. Please forgive me.
0:17:23 > 0:17:30And who do we have here? Why, Custard-Paia, muse of slapstick... Oh!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32My goodness!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34SMASHING POTTERY
0:17:34 > 0:17:35No! My poor husband!
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Hellnation and botherington! It is not here!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45What is not?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Wait.
0:17:47 > 0:17:53There were only 11. Where is Sentimentalus, muse of greetings-cards writers?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Not found with my husband.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Indeed, never found.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Then my client says to you...
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Grrrrrrrr-aaarrgh!!!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Well, I bid you a cheery goodbye.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Oh, no!
0:18:15 > 0:18:19I am getting the Tremblies! Children, where are you?
0:18:19 > 0:18:25WOMAN: They ain't here, my little duck...but I'll help.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- Who...who are you, hideous crone? - The name's Maggotty.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34But you'll call me friend, my little moorhen, once you've tasted some of this...
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- VICTORIA:- Here we are!- VICTOR: Down here!- Papa, we're down here.- Papa!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Victor! Victoria, my littlie! Are you all right?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46We have made a friend. This is Mr Jolliforth Jollington.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47How do you do, sir?
0:18:47 > 0:18:52- How do you do? - I am delighted to make your fenestral acquaintanceship.
0:18:52 > 0:18:59For as the progenitor of these fine offspring, you must be a man of fine loins and even finer character...
0:18:59 > 0:19:04- And why, to meet you so near to Christmas, that finest of days... - Shut it, loon-chops.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Ow.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09But thank you for the gift of a jolly Christmas bruise.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12FRUITCAKE: Ah, the first guest, welcome!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14But what...
0:19:14 > 0:19:18It cannot be! Things may yet be mended!
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Sir, you must take this to your daughter at once
0:19:23 > 0:19:26as proof of me and my me-ness!
0:19:27 > 0:19:31For I am me and she is she, put us together and we shall be we...
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Father, have you paid the debt?
0:19:34 > 0:19:39Alas, my adoptive maiden aunts have been less than generous, the sour-faced old arid purses.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41But not your uncle!
0:19:44 > 0:19:49It's taken me ages to find you. For The Skint is on Everowe Street and they have not yet
0:19:49 > 0:19:51finished this wretched book!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Never mind, for I bring this.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01A £7,301 note! This will cover the debt! But how?
0:20:01 > 0:20:07I sold your maiden aunts to a house of ill-repute! There is much demand
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- for sternly frightening women in such establishments.- Ugh.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Then I can free my family!
0:20:12 > 0:20:17You can. And now that those moralising harpies are gone,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I can go and get drunk, eat real cake, do swearing
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and maybe even
0:20:23 > 0:20:25touch a lady!
0:20:31 > 0:20:35We shall yet be Christmas-ed together! Now run, tell your mother!
0:20:35 > 0:20:39And oh, mad sir, you have left your... Mad sir, you've forgotten your...
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Actually I could do with a watch.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- Mama! Papa has got the money and will soon free us!- Whatever...
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Mama, are you all right?
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Thanks to me, she's better than all right, my little robin redbreasts.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Is that gin?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Better than gin, my little song-thrush.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Laudanum? - Better yet, my little chaffinch.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Opium and tonic?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Mama, you are all sticky.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10You warty monster! You have been feeding her treacle!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12So sweet...so sweet...
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Plenty more where that came from, my little Kentish plover.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21Mama, no! You shall become a treacle-fiend!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Ooh, sugar rush...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28sugar rush, sugar rush!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Hurry, father, hurry!
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Come!
0:22:04 > 0:22:10Craving your clemency, sir, but Mr Secret-Past says he's got the money, sir.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Thank you, Fearshiver. That will do.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19- Your Christmas holiday starts now. - Thank you, sir.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22And ends now. Back to work.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Yes, sir. Thanking you for your generous generosity, your sirness.
0:22:29 > 0:22:35- Here is the money.- Excellent. My client will be pleased.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39And you will be spending Christmas with your family.
0:22:39 > 0:22:45Now, as you know, it's impossible for two gentlemen to settle a legal matter without a drink.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Perhaps a glass of port? - If you insist.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Ha-ha-ha...
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Something funny?
0:22:56 > 0:23:01Er, I just saw a rather funny pigeon flying past the window.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03They can be amusing...
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Mmm... I'm getting cherries...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14oak and...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- ..is that poison? - CHOKES
0:23:17 > 0:23:23Fearshiver! My business with Mr Secret-Past is concluded.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Kindly remove his soon-to-be corpse into the street.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Of course, sir. You are marvellous evil, sir.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38It was never just about the money, you imbecile.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I shall consult with my client, now.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Begging your unconscious pardon, sir...
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Although the debt is paid, the family will not be freed.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Excellent work, Mr Skulkingworm.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14Oh, thank you, sir. May I say what a super client you are?
0:24:16 > 0:24:20You may. Tell me, what will happen to the wife and children?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24As for them, sir, they will be taken care of.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Ha ha ha.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Ah ha ha ha!
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Ha ha ha ha!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Ha ha ha he he ha ha!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Ha ha ha ha!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Appalling! When I lost my family
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I didn't turn to drink for at least a week.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51More Christmas boo!
0:24:52 > 0:24:57Such debauchery! Drunkenly riding on a child's roundabout!
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Stone the crows and crucify the sparrows,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09we shall eat well this Christmas!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11No. We shall eat well next Easter.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15For though we be urchins, we must follow the prandial dictates
0:25:15 > 0:25:20of the ecclesiastical calendar, lest we lose our humanity.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Fiddlesticks and violin twigs!
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Oh-ho, what have we got here?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Dear wife, is that you?
0:25:31 > 0:25:35It ain't, mister. But don't you wirry-worry, we'll look after you.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50There, that'll keep the sleeve clear, my little Manx shearwater.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Oh, what a hit!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Mama is so pale, so sticky.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Father will surely free us soon.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Yes...alas, I'm afraid I bring bad news on that front.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Your father is no more.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- No more what? - Is no more alive. He is dead.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23What? How, sir?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25There was a very dreadful accident
0:26:25 > 0:26:29involving a giant vat of soup and a very naughty horse.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Poor papa, to meet such a soupy equine end.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Well, if it is any consolation to you, it was quite funny to watch.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39But he was on his way to pay you!
0:26:41 > 0:26:46Yes, yes. Unfortunately, the money is no more.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Then we are trapped here.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Despair not! Perhaps Father Christmas
0:26:51 > 0:26:54will bring you a new father tomorrow.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Hey? Ha ha ha!
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Ha ha ha!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
0:27:01 > 0:27:07That was my cruel, handsome client laughing evilly there, not I.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Where am I? Who are you?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20You are safe with us urchins, sir.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23You're rather old to be an urchin.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25The Artful Codger at your service.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33I never passed my exams to graduate from urchin to
0:27:33 > 0:27:34vagabond or ne'er-do-well.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37But don't you tribble-trouble yourself about that, sir,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39just sit back and rest.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Why are these vegetables here?
0:27:43 > 0:27:47These aren't vegetables, they're...medicine.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49What's this fire for?
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Just keeping you warm.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Were you going to eat me?
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Eat you? Why, the very idea...
0:27:59 > 0:28:03- Oh, does he need seasoning? - He means...seasons greetings.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06It's a speech impediment.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Cor, delicious gentleman for Christmas dinner!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11And sticky toff pudding for after!
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- No, there ain't!- I cannot believe you were going to eat me!
0:28:15 > 0:28:20I avow, pledge and promise that we were never going to eat you!
0:28:27 > 0:28:30# Consider yourself our lunch!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32# Consider yourself... #
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Hang on, that's Mr Secret-Past,
0:28:35 > 0:28:37the man who let me in his shop and sold me dung.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42But that makes you the kindest man in all London town!
0:28:43 > 0:28:46- To think we were going to eat you! - I knew it!
0:28:46 > 0:28:48If you don't want to be eaten,
0:28:48 > 0:28:50don't lie in the street on Christmas Eve.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53I had been left for dead by an evil lawyer.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56He has imprisoned my family and unless I free them by Christmas Day
0:28:56 > 0:28:58I may never see them again. I have but...
0:29:00 > 0:29:03But four hours to save them! What am I to do?
0:29:03 > 0:29:07To do am I what? Am do what to I? What I to am do?
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Don't frit-fret, sir, we'll help you!
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Why would you help me?
0:29:13 > 0:29:14You sold Nudger dung.
0:29:14 > 0:29:21Not many would do that. Now that dung has bound our destiny to yours.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Oh, noble urchins.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Fine sir, please, no tears.
0:29:27 > 0:29:32But noble souls...my family... Christmas...onions.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34FOOTSTEPS ABOVE
0:29:34 > 0:29:36WHISTLE BLASTS
0:29:36 > 0:29:38The Peelers! Scarper!
0:29:43 > 0:29:49By the Manliness And Repressed Victorian Emotion Act of 1838 it is illegal for a man to cry.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50You're nicked, mate.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57WATCH TICKS AS BELL TOLLS
0:29:57 > 0:30:00ECHOING VOICES
0:30:00 > 0:30:01Poor Papa!
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Poor Mama. Poor us!
0:30:07 > 0:30:09Come now, little one, no need for tears.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13I'm nine! My father is dead, my mother is a treacle fiend,
0:30:13 > 0:30:15and I'm in prison for Christmas.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17I am allowed to cry!
0:30:18 > 0:30:21A fair point, well made.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25In fact, I might join you myself.
0:30:25 > 0:30:26Eu he he...
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Eu vv...
0:30:28 > 0:30:32Ng...uh he he, uh he...
0:30:32 > 0:30:36Erg egh.... No, it's no use, I'm too jolly to cry.
0:30:36 > 0:30:37Well, I am not.
0:30:38 > 0:30:39Boo-hoo.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42DOOR OPENS
0:30:44 > 0:30:45Bail has been posted, you can go.
0:30:45 > 0:30:50Oh noble urchins! Christmas! My family!
0:30:50 > 0:30:52- Onions!- Watch it.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Quite right, sorry.
0:30:54 > 0:30:55CLOCK BELLS CHIME
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Dear urchins, you have freed me!
0:31:00 > 0:31:04Not us, guv. I haven't quite finished me plan yet.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11I may have spent a little too much time on the presentation.
0:31:11 > 0:31:15If your mind don't mind, sir, it was me that freed you, sir.
0:31:15 > 0:31:19Fearshiver? But...what? How? Why?
0:31:19 > 0:31:25I'll tell you what-how, how-why and even why-what. But not here.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27- Dear urchins, I must go. - You'll need this.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31Thank you, Codger. For a man is nothing without his hat.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34If you need us, fine sir, just shout, "Urchins ho!"
0:31:34 > 0:31:36and we'll be there for you.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Right, you lot, last one back to the lair's Christmas lunch!
0:31:44 > 0:31:46What's wrong with her?
0:31:46 > 0:31:49It's the treacle setting inside of her, my little Arctic tern.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53Soon she'll be one big toffee.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55But I do not want a mother-shaped toffee!
0:31:55 > 0:31:57I want a mother-shaped mother!
0:31:57 > 0:32:01The perils of chasing the syrup, my little Eurasian spoonbill.
0:32:01 > 0:32:02Then we must escape.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06I may have one day wanted to follow in Father's footsteps,
0:32:06 > 0:32:09not fill his shoes, but fill them I must,
0:32:09 > 0:32:12even if I have to wear two pairs of socks to make them fit.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15For I am the man of the family now.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19And I shall find a way out.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Alas, I fear your brother will fail
0:32:23 > 0:32:26for no-one has ever escaped from The Skint alive.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Apart from one man, and he was dead.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35Oh, right, yes, not the most comforting thing I've ever said.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40Father's shop has provided.
0:32:42 > 0:32:46Ah, damn, navvies not included.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49Then I shall dig a way out myself.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00When I was younger, Mr Skulkingworm took me in after my parents died.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02That is kind.
0:33:02 > 0:33:06Yes. And noble, seeing as it was him that killed them in the first place.
0:33:06 > 0:33:11- No!- He placed a large amount of legalments and injunctions on them.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14Literally. They were crushed to death.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16And now I see what he's trying to do to you.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20But where are my manners? It's Christmas Eve.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23- I must offer you hospitality and vittles.- No, really, I'm fine.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25Begging your pardon, sir, a drink?
0:33:25 > 0:33:29- Maybe a lemon sherry or a chicken brandy?- I am in quite a hurry.
0:33:29 > 0:33:33Perhaps a seasonal glass of toastingtons or whimsy juice?
0:33:33 > 0:33:39- I must save my family. There is no time for drinks.- Just nibbles, then?
0:33:39 > 0:33:43I have quails eggs, snails eggs, scotch eggs, Welsh eggs, Irish buns or beef. Which will it be?
0:33:43 > 0:33:49- None! Please, just help me! - That's fine Christmas spirit. Maybe you don't deserve my help.
0:33:49 > 0:33:53Fine, I'll have a chicken brandy and a scotch egg. Please.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58See? Michaelmas manners costeth nothingeth.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11Here is the file, which will tell you everything.
0:34:11 > 0:34:16- Ooh, begging your pardon, sir, but you must be quick. We haven't got much time.- Then why did you...?
0:34:16 > 0:34:18Doesn't matter.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22This is a will going back 40 years of a Gently Proudbeast. Who is he?
0:34:22 > 0:34:26Once a partner in this firm. On recently acquiring his will,
0:34:26 > 0:34:32Mr Skulkingworm caught a severe case of delighty-itis and danced like a happy goat.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34"I bequeath all to my male heir."
0:34:34 > 0:34:39- PS - "It sounds good, but it's basically a massive debt." - He thinks you are the male heir.
0:34:39 > 0:34:40He must be mistaken.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43But wait, there is a codicil. "I've changed
0:34:43 > 0:34:45"my mind. Everything goes to the heirs of the Skulkingworm line,
0:34:45 > 0:34:48"that devil-hearted, Satan-kidneyed family."
0:34:48 > 0:34:52That cured the delighty-itis. He stopped dancing and started punching me.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54But there is an addendum to the codicil. "Only joking".
0:34:54 > 0:34:57That cheered him right up again.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59And now a postscript to the addendum. "Or am I?"
0:34:59 > 0:35:03Then an appendix to that postscript. "No". Followed by an afterwordle.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05- "Actually I am."- Frankly, by now his moods were up
0:35:05 > 0:35:08and down like a broken pair of automatic trousers.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Finally this - "I revoke all
0:35:10 > 0:35:11"previous wills, codicils,
0:35:11 > 0:35:13"postscripts, addenda and
0:35:13 > 0:35:14"afterwordles and bequeath all to
0:35:14 > 0:35:17"my male heir. This is my final statement on the matter.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20"PS. Look out for a codicil hidden in a statue". What does all this mean?
0:35:20 > 0:35:22- FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE - He is returned! Quick! We must hide!
0:35:23 > 0:35:27- After you.- After you. - After you.- After you.- No.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45Hello, Malifax, what have you been doing today?
0:35:45 > 0:35:51I've been doing law, Conceptiva, thank you for asking.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54I say, Victor, could you pass the mustard?
0:35:54 > 0:35:58Why certainly, Papa. What a good boy you are.
0:35:59 > 0:36:05Victoria, may I say what a ravishing dress that is?
0:36:05 > 0:36:07Thank you, Papa.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Oh, my darlings.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Soon, Malifax, soon.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24Is that a chicken brandy?
0:36:32 > 0:36:36Mm! Delicious.
0:36:41 > 0:36:46He means to steal my family! And I have no way of stopping him!
0:36:46 > 0:36:49I can't help but feel this is all connected to the old woman.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51What old woman?
0:36:51 > 0:36:53Once a year, precisely one hour before Christmas day,
0:36:53 > 0:36:56he visits an old woman. He'll be on his way there now.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58Then I must follow him!
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Let me prepare you a picnic for the journey.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03- DOOR CLOSES - Oh.
0:37:18 > 0:37:22Soon it will be Christmas. As is traditional, I have come to
0:37:22 > 0:37:26have a good laugh at your expense.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28HE LAUGHS
0:37:32 > 0:37:38And now to claim a family of my own at last.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00What is this place? Who are you?
0:38:00 > 0:38:03My name is Miss Christmasham.
0:38:03 > 0:38:09This is my home, unchanged since my life was ruinated many years past.
0:38:11 > 0:38:12What happened?
0:38:12 > 0:38:15I was due to be married on Christmas Day.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18I waited at the altar for my beloved husband-to-be.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20And I waited...and waited...
0:38:20 > 0:38:25and waited...and waited... and waited...and waited...
0:38:25 > 0:38:27and waited...and waited...
0:38:27 > 0:38:29I waited and waited...
0:38:29 > 0:38:30and waited...
0:38:30 > 0:38:31and waited...
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Did he basically not turn up?
0:38:33 > 0:38:35How could you possibly fathom that?
0:38:35 > 0:38:40Finally, I was told he had been killed on the way to the church
0:38:40 > 0:38:43- by a falling Christmas goose. - Was Skulkingworm involved?
0:38:43 > 0:38:44Oh, they said it was an accident,
0:38:44 > 0:38:49but there was no body ever produced, of husband or goose.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52- Skulkingworm had him murdered, I don't doubt that.- But why?
0:38:52 > 0:38:56His hatred of my family is deep and vast,
0:38:56 > 0:39:00like a great ocean of loathing.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03It started with my father, Gently Proudbeast.
0:39:03 > 0:39:07- The man Skulkingworm thinks I am descended from? - You do look like him.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12What a strange coincidence.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15But that is Proudbeast, yet you are Christmasham.
0:39:15 > 0:39:20My late beloved's name. It's all that remains. That and this tooth.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23We swapped teeth as a symbol of our love.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26Madam, though your story be sad, it helps me not.
0:39:26 > 0:39:30- I have so little time to help my family!- It cannot be!
0:39:30 > 0:39:32Let me see!
0:39:41 > 0:39:43BIG BEN CHIMES THE HOUR
0:39:45 > 0:39:48- Where did you get this? - From an insanonaut in The Skint.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50Was his name Martin Christmasham?
0:39:50 > 0:39:51I heard no name.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54He was just your typical nut-job, wearing a wedding suit...
0:39:54 > 0:39:57- Oh!- A hat made of dead goose...
0:39:57 > 0:40:00- Oh!- And banging on madly about getting married on Christmas Day.
0:40:00 > 0:40:04Oh, oh, oh! To bring such news, you must have a present!
0:40:04 > 0:40:07Open it now.
0:40:13 > 0:40:17Oh, it is Sentimentalus, muse of greetings cards writers.
0:40:17 > 0:40:21I have sought this all my life. What another strange coincidence.
0:40:21 > 0:40:29It was my father's, one of 12 handed down in the male line, even unto my own long-lost child.
0:40:29 > 0:40:34Madam, your story sounds fascinating, but I have not the time.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Hang on, what long-lost child?
0:40:38 > 0:40:45After Martin died, it turned out the merest thought of marriage was enough to make me pregnant.
0:40:45 > 0:40:50And, alas, as I had no husband, my family took the child away for adoption.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53Madam, I prithee, what was the child's name?
0:40:53 > 0:40:57I can't forget my long-lost son's name. It was...um...
0:40:57 > 0:40:59Er...
0:41:01 > 0:41:03I'm pretty sure it began with J...
0:41:03 > 0:41:05Could it be Jedrington?
0:41:05 > 0:41:06That's it!
0:41:07 > 0:41:12But Jedrington is MY name! What an amazing coincidence again!
0:41:12 > 0:41:16- Well, I really must be going... - No, boy... Come closer.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Closer.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22A little closer, please...
0:41:22 > 0:41:25Just a little closer. Too close. Go back a bit.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27A little further...
0:41:28 > 0:41:32Oh! Could it be that my son Jedrington
0:41:32 > 0:41:36has grown up and returned to me?
0:41:36 > 0:41:38You mean...not coincidence?
0:41:39 > 0:41:41Mother...?
0:41:41 > 0:41:43CRASH!
0:41:44 > 0:41:46When did you last have that dress washed?
0:41:46 > 0:41:4935 Christmas Eves ago.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Mmm...
0:42:00 > 0:42:01I bring news.
0:42:01 > 0:42:07I have made an arrangement with my client to free you
0:42:07 > 0:42:10by taking you on as part of my own family.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14You could never replace our real father!
0:42:14 > 0:42:18Can and will. By the time Christmas Day strikes out,
0:42:18 > 0:42:23Secret-Past will become Skulkingworm and you will call me "Papa" whether you like it or not.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26And you will like it, whether you like it or not.
0:42:29 > 0:42:36Oh! To have gained a mother and yet to be about to lose a family! But what is this?
0:42:36 > 0:42:38- Oh, that's where he hid it. - Hid what?
0:42:38 > 0:42:40My father's final codicil,
0:42:40 > 0:42:43absolving the family debts should I marry. Alas, irrelevant.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45No! Un-irrelevant!
0:42:45 > 0:42:50For if you were to marry before Christmas Day, then my family would be freed.
0:42:50 > 0:42:54Yes...but I don't know whether I want to marry a derangeatron.
0:42:54 > 0:43:00Has he kept his looks? If he was still handsome, that would make up for the madness.
0:43:01 > 0:43:03He is the best-looking man in Britain!
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Then I shall marry him yet.
0:43:05 > 0:43:06Let us hurry to The Skint!
0:43:08 > 0:43:13So many years to catch up on, and so much mothering un-done.
0:43:13 > 0:43:16Where's your scarf? You'll catch a chill.
0:43:16 > 0:43:19There is too little time until Christmas! I need help.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21Urchins, ho!
0:43:22 > 0:43:23How can we help, fine sir?
0:43:23 > 0:43:27I need Christmas delayed until I can get my mother married!
0:43:27 > 0:43:32Then it seems to me, fine sir, that you need to nobble the donging. And I'm a great dong-nobbler.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34I beg your pardon?
0:43:34 > 0:43:38Nobble the donging. Stop the three great alliterative clocks
0:43:38 > 0:43:41from declaring Christmas.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44THAT'S what it means. Thank goodness. Can you do that?
0:43:44 > 0:43:46I shall start drawing up a plan.
0:43:46 > 0:43:49There is no time for a plan. Just...nobble the donging.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51Consider the dongs nobbled.
0:43:53 > 0:43:54Then let us go to our destinies!
0:43:56 > 0:44:00My son...my own beloved son!
0:44:00 > 0:44:01Dear Mother.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03I don't like what you've done with your hair.
0:44:06 > 0:44:07Though I am the jolliest of men,
0:44:07 > 0:44:12you are the most duplicitous and flint-hearted bag of pus I have ever met.
0:44:12 > 0:44:17As a lawyer, I take that as quite a compliment. Thank you, sir.
0:44:18 > 0:44:22Man...goose...evil.
0:44:22 > 0:44:23Yes.
0:44:25 > 0:44:28Do I know you, sir?
0:44:33 > 0:44:35I have completed my tunnel!
0:44:38 > 0:44:41EXCITED CHATTER
0:44:47 > 0:44:49Brace yourself, Archie.
0:44:49 > 0:44:51Aaargh!
0:44:54 > 0:44:55You all right, Archie?
0:44:55 > 0:44:58No. I am in quite a considerable amount of cog-based agony.
0:44:58 > 0:44:59Good lad.
0:45:02 > 0:45:03It's about to chime...
0:45:07 > 0:45:09Let's hope the others don't let us down.
0:45:09 > 0:45:11CROWD MURMURS
0:45:15 > 0:45:16< OW!
0:45:16 > 0:45:18What's that sound?
0:45:18 > 0:45:20< The cogs! The cogs! It hurts!
0:45:23 > 0:45:26Excuse me! Coming through, coming through.
0:45:27 > 0:45:30Ow! The cogs...the cogs.
0:45:32 > 0:45:37An absence of donging. The Artful Codger did not let me down.
0:45:37 > 0:45:40Now, we must find a way into The Skint via the sewers.
0:45:40 > 0:45:42I'm not getting into the sewers!
0:45:42 > 0:45:44I don't want to argue with you.
0:45:44 > 0:45:48But I do want to argue with you. All those adolescent arguments we missed! Let's have them now!
0:45:48 > 0:45:52I will not go into that sewer. And you are not going out dressed like that.
0:45:52 > 0:45:55- You will go into the sewer. - Will not.- Will.- Will not.- Will.
0:45:55 > 0:45:57- Will not.- Mother! - Will not...- Mother!- Will not!
0:45:57 > 0:46:00Say hello to your new daddy!
0:46:01 > 0:46:02Wait a moment!
0:46:04 > 0:46:06Where is Christmas?
0:46:09 > 0:46:11Where is my new family?
0:46:11 > 0:46:17They've gone, my little blue-winged macaw. Down their tunnel.
0:46:17 > 0:46:22- I need help.- I'll help you, my yellow-nosed albatross.
0:46:22 > 0:46:26Out of my way, you be-warted, disgusting sugar-derivative dealer.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29I'm over-treacled!
0:46:33 > 0:46:37Now, which one of you is the most violent?
0:46:37 > 0:46:38That'd be...
0:46:40 > 0:46:42Excellent. Follow me.
0:46:47 > 0:46:52Escape, yes. Christmas, yes.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54Marry, yes.
0:46:54 > 0:46:56Nice job, dear brother.
0:46:56 > 0:47:00Thank you. Though I wish I had had some time to finish the murals.
0:47:00 > 0:47:02Stop, me de-lonely-ising family!
0:47:02 > 0:47:04Don't worry, I'll stop him!
0:47:04 > 0:47:06What, by being jolly at him?
0:47:06 > 0:47:08Talk to me of Christmas things!
0:47:08 > 0:47:12- Of course! Eggnog. Mulled wine. - Mmm...
0:47:12 > 0:47:16Um...presents...roast goose! Family happiness!
0:47:17 > 0:47:19- Love and joy! - Yes, yes, yes!
0:47:19 > 0:47:25- Helping you escape makes it the jolliest Christmas ever! - Thank you, Mr Jollington.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31Oaths and sweariness!
0:47:31 > 0:47:35Christmas jollity triumphs over flint-hearted pus-bagginess!
0:47:36 > 0:47:40Well, let's see if we can't depress you down to size.
0:47:40 > 0:47:43Picture a sad puppy
0:47:43 > 0:47:45with a bent ear.
0:47:45 > 0:47:49A lonely orphan singing that he wants to be loved.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52A depressed nun with an ugly mole.
0:47:53 > 0:47:57- Will!- Will not!- Will!- Will not!- Will! - Will not! This is fun!
0:47:57 > 0:47:59No, it isn't.
0:48:03 > 0:48:08Father would be proud of you. Maybe I can fill his shoes without buying foot extensions.
0:48:08 > 0:48:11Escaped we have, now married will I be!
0:48:13 > 0:48:14Children!
0:48:14 > 0:48:17Papa! Skulkingworm said you were dead!
0:48:17 > 0:48:18Mr Skulkingworm was wrong.
0:48:18 > 0:48:22Thank goodness. I can get rid of these and talk normally again.
0:48:22 > 0:48:25Eacle-beacle, I love treacle.
0:48:25 > 0:48:30- What is the matter with your mother? - A warty crone tricked her into treacle-dependency.
0:48:30 > 0:48:32She's close to toffee-ising.
0:48:32 > 0:48:33My poor, dearest darling!
0:48:36 > 0:48:40Is that any way to treat your long-lost mother? Shoving her in sewage?
0:48:40 > 0:48:44Harried, no, no, no. Harried carried. Harried carried. Yes!
0:48:46 > 0:48:49Martin...can it be you?
0:48:51 > 0:48:54Married...not harried or tarried but married, yes...
0:48:54 > 0:48:58Alas, still a bonkers mentalist. Poor Martin.
0:49:01 > 0:49:05Oh, hello, darling. Sorry I'm late. Ready to get hitched?
0:49:05 > 0:49:09Oh, joy! Re-saned! For so long I thought you were dead.
0:49:09 > 0:49:13Not dead, merely goose-stunned with no memory of who I was.
0:49:13 > 0:49:15I have kept this for so long.
0:49:20 > 0:49:24De-mentalled and still handsome! Result!
0:49:28 > 0:49:31Talk about a Christmas cracker!
0:49:34 > 0:49:38Teeny-weeny little kittens mew-mew-mewing for their mummy cat
0:49:38 > 0:49:41who they know they'll never see again.
0:49:41 > 0:49:47And all the general death, disease and despair
0:49:47 > 0:49:52that fills this godless universe of infinite pain, misery and hopelessness...
0:49:52 > 0:49:55Stop it, you monster!
0:49:57 > 0:49:58Pathetic.
0:50:05 > 0:50:08We must hurry. The Artful Codger cannot delay Christmas forever.
0:50:08 > 0:50:11- Where is the nearest church? - The Church of St Weddings.
0:50:15 > 0:50:19Where Martin and I were due to marry those years ago.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24YOU! You are much less dead than you're supposed to be.
0:50:24 > 0:50:26Stay away from my family!
0:50:26 > 0:50:29Your family?! MY family.
0:50:29 > 0:50:35Not until Christmas rings out - and according to this codicil, not at all if my mother marries before then!
0:50:35 > 0:50:40So you know the truth. Not that it will do you any good. After him! Get on with it!
0:50:40 > 0:50:43I don't do quick. I'm more your lumbering menace.
0:50:43 > 0:50:45Well, lumber faster!
0:51:01 > 0:51:04Papa, Mama is almost entirely rigid.
0:51:04 > 0:51:06The only known antidote to treacle is gravy.
0:51:06 > 0:51:14- This is a church. There must be a meat-font.- Found it!
0:51:14 > 0:51:18Are you here for midnight service? It has been delayed. No donging, you see.
0:51:18 > 0:51:21Reverend, we need a wedding performed now.
0:51:21 > 0:51:25Is it a wedding of long-thwarted passion threatened by dark forces?
0:51:25 > 0:51:27- It is!- Ooh, my favourite sort.
0:51:28 > 0:51:31Do not marry that couple!
0:51:31 > 0:51:33No! The church's Communion Sword!
0:51:37 > 0:51:40There will be no wedding today, vicar.
0:51:40 > 0:51:46- Why do you hate my family so? - Well, perhaps I will tell you, while we wait for Christmas to ring in.
0:51:48 > 0:51:54Many years ago, my father and your grandfather were legal partners - friends, even.
0:51:54 > 0:51:57MERRY BANTER
0:51:57 > 0:52:02Then came the day my father lent your grandfather a penny.
0:52:02 > 0:52:05As lawyers, they drew up a contract.
0:52:07 > 0:52:12Later that day, my father was short of that very penny.
0:52:12 > 0:52:15He sought the penny from my mother,
0:52:15 > 0:52:18and so saw what no man should ever see.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25His death deranged my mother.
0:52:29 > 0:52:31Even as I grew, so did her madness.
0:52:32 > 0:52:35Until finally, it killed her.
0:52:41 > 0:52:45When I found the loan contract, I vowed vengeance.
0:52:46 > 0:52:49I studied the law every hour I could.
0:52:54 > 0:52:57And it cost me the love of my life.
0:52:58 > 0:53:02Because of my studies, I missed her gentle hints of affection.
0:53:06 > 0:53:09Perhaps if she had not been so subtle...
0:53:12 > 0:53:16Alas, one day, she had had enough.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23Only weeks later did I realise.
0:53:23 > 0:53:26Aaaargh!
0:53:27 > 0:53:32When I heard she was to marry another, I was filled with hate.
0:53:39 > 0:53:42EVIL LAUGHTER
0:53:43 > 0:53:45LAUGHTER ECHOES
0:53:51 > 0:53:55LAUGHTER CONTINUES TO ECHO
0:53:59 > 0:54:02I did not know she was pregnant.
0:54:02 > 0:54:05But when I realised that you existed,
0:54:05 > 0:54:10I knew I could make my final vengeance complete.
0:54:10 > 0:54:13Father! The Christening Sabre.
0:54:15 > 0:54:16Oh!
0:54:19 > 0:54:22- No!- Ah! Ah! Ah!
0:54:22 > 0:54:24Ooh! Ow!
0:54:25 > 0:54:28I have had enough of you!
0:54:28 > 0:54:30Ooh!
0:54:32 > 0:54:33- Not so fast!- Aha!
0:54:36 > 0:54:39RUMBLING
0:54:39 > 0:54:41- The Confirmation Cannon! - Not so fast.
0:54:44 > 0:54:49He made me sad! I don't like him. I may never be jolly again!
0:54:49 > 0:54:51Not so fast!
0:54:51 > 0:54:54For I am the Ghost of Christmas past!
0:54:57 > 0:55:01And I think I might have got the wrong address. Sorry.
0:55:04 > 0:55:08Which leaves you at a disadvantage, Mr Skulkingworm.
0:55:18 > 0:55:19Uh-oh, time's up.
0:55:19 > 0:55:22AAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHH!
0:55:24 > 0:55:26CLOCK CHIMES
0:55:33 > 0:55:35We're out of time!
0:55:36 > 0:55:39Vicar, you must perform the wedding at once.
0:55:39 > 0:55:41- We are gathered here... - Cut to the chase!
0:55:41 > 0:55:45I need a hat! I cannot wed wearing a dead goose!
0:55:50 > 0:55:52Take mine...Father.
0:55:52 > 0:55:55Thank you...Son.
0:55:55 > 0:55:57Now go, vicar, go!
0:55:57 > 0:56:01- Do you take blah-de-blah-de-blah? - BOTH: Yes! - I declare you husband and wife!
0:56:01 > 0:56:03About blinking time!
0:56:03 > 0:56:07And it is Christmas Day! That's cheered me right up!
0:56:11 > 0:56:16Foiled! But don't think that my quest for vengeance is over!
0:56:16 > 0:56:18Really?
0:56:18 > 0:56:22Well...perhaps not. I'm so tired.
0:56:22 > 0:56:27I think I'll have a lie-down, and rethink this whole vengeance business.
0:56:29 > 0:56:30Or will I?
0:56:30 > 0:56:31HE LAUGHS EVILLY
0:56:31 > 0:56:35Oh...oh, what's the point? I give up.
0:56:36 > 0:56:38I will call you Papa.
0:56:39 > 0:56:41Would you? Would you really?
0:56:41 > 0:56:43I shall call you Tumty.
0:56:43 > 0:56:46Let us go to the park and I shall push you on swings
0:56:46 > 0:56:49and we shall eat crumpets and muffins and toast and candyfloss...
0:56:49 > 0:56:52Dearest, you have been saved from the treacle!
0:56:52 > 0:56:55Davey-wavy, I love gravy...
0:56:55 > 0:56:58Though, alas, you are now gravy-dependent.
0:56:58 > 0:57:01But no matter, for we are a family once more,
0:57:01 > 0:57:05never to be parted. And I, at last, have my very own set of parents!
0:57:05 > 0:57:08And we at last have each other.
0:57:08 > 0:57:10And I at last am free from debtors' prison!
0:57:10 > 0:57:14So now let Christmas be had, let joy-iness fill the world
0:57:14 > 0:57:19and let no-one ever be poor or hungry or miserable or badly-dressed
0:57:19 > 0:57:22or itchy or bored or anything bad anywhere ever again!
0:57:22 > 0:57:24God bless us, every one!
0:57:24 > 0:57:26ALL: Hurrah!
0:57:39 > 0:57:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd