0:00:52 > 0:00:54Fish on a string! Fish on a string!
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Delight the children, hypnotise the cat.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Fish on a string! Fish on a string!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Delight the kiddies, confuse the kitties.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05It is our newest product. The Piano Sofa.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07So exhilarating to play!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09And so comfortable when you stop!
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Can I interest you in our safari buffet?
0:01:13 > 0:01:18There's giraffe giblets, snake-etti, tinned tiger or zebra cordial.
0:01:18 > 0:01:24And we stock all the bacons from mouse to elephant.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27And I'm sure your nephew would enjoy reading this, sir.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32And then you turn this handle
0:01:32 > 0:01:35and by the queenie position system or QPS,
0:01:35 > 0:01:39it locates out glorious monarch wherever she is in the world.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42So patriotic and so portable.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I'll take it and I'll pay twice the asking price.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Then I shall throw in this mechanical French hater!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50"RULE, BRITANNIA!" PLAYS
0:01:50 > 0:01:52MECHANICAL RASPBERRY BLOWS
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I do wish we didn't stock that. So crude.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55But it sells so well.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Britain's France haty-ness is our financial gain.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Oh, dearest, I'm sorry that you, Victor and Victoria,
0:02:01 > 0:02:03have to sully your hands with work!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06But we enjoy it. Don't we children?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Very indeed, Papa.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11But I have ambitions, to earn enough money
0:02:11 > 0:02:13to spare my family from toil,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16so we may lead a life of luxury and loveliness.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19We are happy as we are. Count your blessings.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I do, my dear, every day. Currently, I have seven.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27It's just sometimes I think I would like eight or 19.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Dear silly, lovely, ambitious Jedrington.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Letter for Mrs Conceptiva Secret-Past!
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Can I help you?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I'll take these, please.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Were you eavesdropping?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I may have heard something.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I think you should leave.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49What if I told you I'm a rich businessman
0:02:49 > 0:02:52looking for younger partners who'll become rich themselves?
0:02:52 > 0:02:53I think you should stay.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Alas, I have to rush to a meeting of the Plutocrat Society.
0:02:58 > 0:03:04But... call on me, tomorrow.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Everything all right, dear?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Yes, of course.
0:03:20 > 0:03:27OMINOUS PIANO MUSIC
0:03:29 > 0:03:30PIANO CHAIR PLAYS
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I have been seeking a young partner for some time.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I did consider having multiple candidates,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42forcing them to do a series of demeaning weekly tasks
0:03:42 > 0:03:45masquerading as business challenges
0:03:45 > 0:03:47and then firing them one by one.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50But that just seemed ludicrous.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53More like music hall larks than business sense.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Yes, you see, we think alike already.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00In fact, you remind me of myself when I was your age.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- Really?- Yes.
0:04:02 > 0:04:08For when I was your age, I was the same age as you are now.
0:04:08 > 0:04:14And I too had a hungry ambition, that longed to taste of success pie
0:04:14 > 0:04:15and money gravy.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17They sound delicious.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18They are.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22And you shall dine on them daily as soon as you sign this contract.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26- Well...- If you're worried about what you get from the deal,
0:04:26 > 0:04:30this chart explains everything.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I'm sure I don't have to tell a man, such as yourself,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35what all this means.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37No...of course not.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Maybe a bit.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Obviously, there will be maximal profitisation
0:04:45 > 0:04:46of throughput outcomes
0:04:46 > 0:04:51in the positively extruded asset yield actualisation.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Obviously...
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Your mutualised share-tranche, is the equivalent
0:04:55 > 0:04:59of an actimised accrual on a stipendiary roo ha ha,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02with collateral umbification of 94%.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05In short, you'll get...
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Let us have a drink while you consider.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Maybe a shorry or a brindy?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- I have never heard of shorry or brindy.- They are special drinks...
0:05:18 > 0:05:19for the rich.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Part of a world...
0:05:23 > 0:05:25that you will soon enjoy.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- Then I shall have a brindy. - Little taste of your future.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Ooh, strong.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Like the rich. Like you if you sign.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49It really is strung! Ooh! I'm already dronk!
0:05:49 > 0:05:53The only way to be for any massive life decision. Now, come on, sign.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Oh! Why not! For though this seems...
0:05:57 > 0:05:59..suspiciously easy,
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- what possible harm could come of it? - None whatsoever!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Terms and conditions apply,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07levels of harm will go up rather than down,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- contract may contain traces of evil. - Hmm?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- COUGHS - Nothing, I was just... clearing my throat.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Now...sign.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Sign.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Signy-sign, signy-sign, sign, sign.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Oh, what the heck!
0:06:21 > 0:06:22(Get in!)
0:06:23 > 0:06:27You will quite possibly not regret it at first, Jedrington.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I'm sure I shall not.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Ooh, I really am quite dronk.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46And turn.
0:06:48 > 0:06:54Ha! The shares in our company have risen so fast they have had to append a new bit of paper.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Whoosh.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Drink, sir? - Ah, whosky, delicious.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I love having servants. They do so much for you.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- Drink, madam?- I can make my own drink, thank you.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I still do not see how we have become so rich so quickly.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26It all involves words such as "leveraging", "collateralisation" and "platyhelminth".
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Is a platyhelminth not a type of flat, unsegmented worm?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33That just goes to show how little you understand of business, dearest.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36But listen... SQUEAK OF THE LETTERBOX AND JINGLING
0:07:36 > 0:07:39More money being delivered. Do not question it.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I question it not, Papa, for instead of working,
0:07:42 > 0:07:46I enjoy such luxuries as bathing in jam!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I have just had my fifth bath of the day.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51And you forgot to dry yourself properly, dearest.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- And- I- question it not,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56for it means I can be educated at boarding school!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59You know what they say about it - "Give me the boy at seven..."
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- "And I'll give you the empty husk of an emotionally stunted man." - Exactly!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05A man fit to rule an empire!
0:08:05 > 0:08:09And here is the man who made this possible, my excellent partner, Mr Grimstone!
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Victor,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12you lucky boy.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15St Nasty's is the best school in Britain.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17It sounds so horrid.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19No...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It is a happy place...
0:08:22 > 0:08:27..full of jolly rough-housing and mannish horseplay and horse-ish man-play.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I sent my own son there.
0:08:30 > 0:08:36I cannot wait! There will be japes and larks and silly moorhens galore!
0:08:36 > 0:08:37EVIL LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:40My manservant Pusweasel will escort you there.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43He awaits you...outside.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48- Is this a lark, Mr Pusweasel? - It is for me, young cully.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Such a funny jape! Eurgh!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07He just hit Victor with a cudgel.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11See! The jolly rough-housing begins!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- How I wish- I- might go to school.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Alas, I am a girl so it is illegal.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20But, my littlie, not illegal to have a governess.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24A governess? A seemingly stern but secretly warm-hearted governess?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Oh joy! - Why does she need a governess?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29To learn to be a lady...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31rather than a slattern or flibbertigibbet.
0:09:31 > 0:09:37And Miss Primly Tightclench is a fine governess.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56My governessing covers many things.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Posture, decorum, how to stand properly,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02deportment, posture, comportment, carriage, bearing, posture,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06musculo-skeletal straightening, posture, good-stancing and posture.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08It's mostly posture, to be honest.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Mama, she seems such fun!- Does she?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Oh, I'm a laugh a minute, me.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Well...
0:10:15 > 0:10:18decade. Victoria, follow me!
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Posture!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Posture!
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Now, to business.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I thought we could expand
0:10:27 > 0:10:30with new branches called The Old Shop Of Stuff Metro
0:10:30 > 0:10:32and The Old Shop Of Stuff Express.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34W-w-wha-what?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I'm- Are you talking?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Alas, men cannot hear women when they talk about business
0:10:42 > 0:10:46due to their high-pitched, weak-brained voices.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49It is a true fact of Victorian science.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52But I have written a business plan.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55I cannot see it.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Dearest, you must do as the wives of other businessmen do.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Charitable works and...pretty simpering.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- I shall go and do some charity, then.- Yup.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19(Do you know, she actually thought a platyhelminth was a type of worm.)
0:11:19 > 0:11:21THEY LAUGH SOFTLY
0:11:21 > 0:11:25THEIR LAUGHTER GETS LOUDER
0:11:25 > 0:11:26HE GUFFAWS
0:11:26 > 0:11:29THEIR LAUGHTER ECHOES DOWN THE CORRIDOR
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Please, ma'am, someone delivered this for you.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Oh...
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Ooh!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Ooh... Ooh!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Will you PLEASE stop doing things for me!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03SHE CONTINUES TO SIGH
0:12:04 > 0:12:08THUNDER, RAIN AND HOWLING WIND
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Always a pleasure to welcome a new boy.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Is this school? Am I at school? Oh, joy!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19No joy here, young cully.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Damn you, Smalcolm!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Oh! Oh! Sorry, sir.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25HE SOBS
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Is this my dormitory?
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Full of new chums to share in pillow-fights, midnight feasts
0:12:34 > 0:12:38and fumbled adolescent acts I shall never mention to my future wife?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Hold on...
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Where ARE my new chums?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47The only chums you'll have will be misery, pain and hunger!
0:12:47 > 0:12:51What odd names! Are they from the North?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54EVIL LAUGH
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Time for sleep.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Tomorrow, japes aplenty!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05School is br-r-rilliant...
0:13:08 > 0:13:09..I think.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15- Ah, I do enjoy a bracing walk. - How are you defining "walk"?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Come, let us eat! Walk on.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Argh! Get off! I can WALK, you know!
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Now...
0:13:32 > 0:13:35..what shall we eat? How about beef?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- I hate beef. - Very good. Beef it is. Servegood?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Two beef coming up, sir.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52COW MOOS
0:13:53 > 0:13:55So we now use lunch artillery.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Such luxury when so many are so poor.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03- It is what the rich do.- There must be a better use for such devices.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Does something bother you?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11It's just...this SUDDEN wealth.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16It's good, isn't it? I now wear silk trousers and diamond underpants.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Which are INCREDIBLY uncomfortable.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I miss the children, and you.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24But we are rich now, so the children must be kept from us
0:14:24 > 0:14:28and we must have bedrooms a safe distance from each other.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29They are a carriage-ride apart.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I wish to visit my wife.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Very well, sir.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35HE WHISTLES
0:14:39 > 0:14:40HORSE NEIGHS
0:14:42 > 0:14:46CLOPPING HOOVES
0:14:50 > 0:14:52WHIP CRACKS AND HORSE NEIGHS LOUDLY
0:14:57 > 0:15:00CLOPPING HOOVES APPROACH
0:15:00 > 0:15:01OWL HOOTS
0:15:01 > 0:15:02APPROACHING HOOVES SLOW AND STOP
0:15:02 > 0:15:05We have so many servants.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07We barely do anything for ourselves.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Nonsense.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09Drink!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Mmm, "cloret."
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I am so wealthy now the rumour is I shall soon be given a knighthood
0:15:19 > 0:15:21for my services to money.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Only if the business continues successfully.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Do you not worry that it is excessively leveraged?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30The debt-to-capital ratio is far from optimum.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33No, I've checked that. And it's totally optimum.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Now, enough of matters which you clearly don't understand.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- R-r-r!- Are you sure there's nothing wrong, my love?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- There is something...- Your beef.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Your beef, sir.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Mmm! Delicious! Ooh!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Oh...shrapnel.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02If one's spine is not straight,
0:16:02 > 0:16:06one's morals cannot be either. Does it not say in the Bible,
0:16:06 > 0:16:10"Bendy neck and bendy back makes one weak and morally slack"
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Where in the Bible does it say that?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Paul's letter to the Chiropractor.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Sorry to interrupt...! - Posture!- Oh! Erm...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I am about to launch my new charity
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- and I want Victoria to come and watch.- Oh, yes, please!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27No. She is still too posture-weak. Thanks to your slack mothering,
0:16:27 > 0:16:31it is as if her spine has been removed and replaced with jelly.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Or socks. Take her from my tender care now
0:16:33 > 0:16:37and you condemn her to be an opium fiend and/or lady of the night.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- But, I don't...- Get out! - Aagh!- Posture!- Oh! Aagh!- Out! Out!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- Oh, Mama!- Posture!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- A-agh!- Posture...
0:16:45 > 0:16:52It is good to welcome other richly charitable ladies. Lady Havemuch.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55The Duchess of Money. One only has to look at the newspapers to see
0:16:55 > 0:16:58how awful it is for the poor poor.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Jumped up riff-raff. How dare she tell us to do more for the poor?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07I already do loads. I recently took in an orphan.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09You saintly she-beast.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11It was my nephew, Freddy, Earl of Bessex.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15But now we can relieve at least some of their woes,
0:17:15 > 0:17:19and these weapons of mass opulence may be used for good.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32WHIZZING THROUGH THE AIR
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Blimey! Some toff's firing food at us!
0:17:37 > 0:17:41So let this be our first salvo in our war against poverty!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- Riff-raff.- Pious prole!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Oh! It is from Victor.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16"Dearest mama and papa, school is such fun.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20"Lessons are plentiful and varied. I am learning Scripture..."
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Ohhh!- "Latin..."
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Ha-ha-ha!- Oohh!
0:18:25 > 0:18:26"Geography..."
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- HE WHIMPERS - "Mathematics..."
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- HE WHIMPERS - "..and Chemistry."
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Oh, no! A-a-agh!
0:18:35 > 0:18:40"It is brilliant, and I am definitely very happy, not sad."
0:18:40 > 0:18:42HE SOBS
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Well, that at least has cheered me.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:19:13 > 0:19:15BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY
0:19:15 > 0:19:19As per my business plan we have now opened 12 new branches
0:19:19 > 0:19:23of the Old Shop of Stuff Metro and the Old Shop of Stuff Express.
0:19:23 > 0:19:28We really are being businessmen, aren't we? Clever, clever us.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31BANGING AND SHOUTING
0:19:31 > 0:19:32What the devil?
0:19:32 > 0:19:39Sir, unless I am mistaken, that is the sound of a lady running amok.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43SHE GASPS FOR BREATH
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Mary-Anne!
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Conceptiva. What ever is the matter?
0:20:21 > 0:20:25We must hire a lawyer, stop these libellous letters.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28To be a libel, it must be untrue.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Of course it's untrue. My wife has no secrets.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35But...
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Conceptiva? Do you have a secret?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Conceptiva, answer me! - I think she just has.
0:20:44 > 0:20:50But with a subtle feminine language beyond our logical male brains.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Sir, if I may be of assistance?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Would sir say that madam is looking wistful?
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Partly wistful, partly contemplative.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Wistlative, then.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Plus sighing and staring out of the window...
0:21:11 > 0:21:16Ah, alas, it translates as, "Yes, I do have a secret,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18"but cannot bear to share it."
0:21:18 > 0:21:20No!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22If secret there is one...
0:21:23 > 0:21:27..then libel there is none.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43If you have a secret, you must share it with me!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I see that you have finally found a use for her.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51She is now my mood-maid.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03This could not have come at a worse time for me.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Any hint of scandal could cost me my knighthood.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18That is all you care about? What have you become?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19I merely meant...
0:23:04 > 0:23:08I think it better your husband hear the truth from you
0:23:08 > 0:23:10than from a newspaper.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I've come to tell you my secret.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Sir, could...?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41There is a stain on my character that can never be erased.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Oh, blinking cripes!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46As you know, when he was a subaltern, my father fought
0:23:46 > 0:23:48at the second Battle of Waterloo.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56After the battle, he scoured the field for wounded.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Alas, there were few he could aid.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06But enough dead to sadden the soul.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19Back then, whole families followed men on campaign,
0:24:19 > 0:24:25and on that gory field he found a soldier and wife, embraced in death.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30In their embrace was a child, still alive.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34My father's heart melted at the sight of this orphan child,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36and he sought to raise me himself.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40And this is your secret? That you are adopted?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42But, there is no shame in that.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44You do not understand.
0:24:45 > 0:24:51That dead soldier was not a British soldier. He was...
0:24:52 > 0:24:53French.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I am French.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Je suis Francaise.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08A-a-a-a-a-a-agh!
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Get out! Get out!
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Yes?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- I need to see my daughter.- You cannot. She is on the posture-rack
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- and then is to be starched to rigidity.- But...- No!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Then can you tell her I said...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37..goodbye.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Conceptiva, wait! I...!
0:25:54 > 0:25:55She left this, old friend.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00"Dearest Jedrington, I go now to end my life.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03"Tell the children I love them. PS, je suis desole."
0:26:03 > 0:26:07We must stop her! She may be French, but she is still my wife!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Hop on, sir.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Excuse me, is this where people come to...?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32SPLASH
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I'll take that as a yes.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- < Goodbye, cruel world! - SPLASH
0:26:40 > 0:26:42A-a-a-a-a-agh!
0:26:42 > 0:26:43SPLASH
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Conceptiva! If you can hear me, listen!
0:26:48 > 0:26:53I have been selfish and stupid! I do not care about your Frenchness!
0:26:53 > 0:26:57- In fact, je t'aime! - Oh, well said, sir.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- Conceptiva!- Oh, Jedrington...
0:27:01 > 0:27:06- Conceptiva! I'm so glad you didn't jump!- Mr Grimstone...
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Because now I can push you instead.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15- Aa-a-a-gh!- Ohh! Can't let you blab away like that!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Now, we must do this properly.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20CONCEPTIVA WHIMPERS
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Jedrington! We have found her!
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Oh, thank the Lord. I am coming, my love! I am coming!
0:27:33 > 0:27:37- Goodbye, Conceptiva. - I am coming!- Oh!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- Ya-agh!- I am here!- A-a-a-a-agh!- No!
0:27:40 > 0:27:41SPLASH
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Conceptiva! Conceptiva!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48She'll not have survived, sir. Huge drop that is.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51And the current here's mighty strong.
0:27:51 > 0:27:56Plus, unlikely though it seems, there are sharks.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Leave it, sir. Violence never solved anything.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Apart from the Battle of Waterloo. And Agincourt. And...
0:28:04 > 0:28:06What have I done?
0:28:08 > 0:28:13So, the first part of my complex, evil plan has succeeded.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18And he suspects nothing.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:28:38 > 0:28:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Digital viewers, if you know what's good for you, press the red button
0:29:08 > 0:29:12for behind-the-scenes extras. And stand up straight! Posture!