0:00:02 > 0:00:03Your mother's dead!
0:00:03 > 0:00:07You need time to mourn. Perhaps you'd like to sign the business over to me for the moment?
0:00:07 > 0:00:10I thought you could do with a chum.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13- Your son is missing, presumed dead. - What is the good news?
0:00:13 > 0:00:17You won't have to tell your daughter the bad news, because she has run away.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Papa!
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I thank you for saving my life.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23I want paying.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25To London! I may yet save my family!
0:00:25 > 0:00:31The vision of his dead wife inspired this help-the-poor nonsense.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Jedrington! I remember every...
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Well, I shall provide him with a vision of my very own.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39It's all your fault!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- Aaah! Aaah! Aaaah! - Sir! Sir!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Noooooo!
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Oh, lawbs! You've turned French on me!
0:00:49 > 0:00:50# Alouette, je te plumerai. #
0:00:50 > 0:00:54BIG BEN TOLLS
0:01:40 > 0:01:45Matches! Get your matches! Matches! Get your matches!
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Petrol! Hot petrol! Get your hot petrol! Madam, hot petrol for you?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50EXPLOSION
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Extra, extra, read all about it!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Rich businessman Jedrington Secret-Past hurls self in river,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58copying wife who did the same after being revealed as secretly French!
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Now his son's missing presumed dead, his daughter's disappeared
0:02:02 > 0:02:04and his business lies in mysterious ruins!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Ha-ha-ha!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48KNOCK AT DOOR
0:02:48 > 0:02:49I've come about the leaflet.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Ah!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Disguised as a freak to avoid trouble.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57People don't like a Frenchie.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Is she the real thing?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Ooh-la-la!
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Excellent. Pusweasel!
0:03:08 > 0:03:13Perhaps there might be some consideration for my service?
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- You want money? - No, I don't want money!
0:03:18 > 0:03:23Maybe a recompense, a thankeetoken.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Well then, hold on.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34Here, take this jade sculpture of a piglet and be gone, low woman.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37No, I do want money! I was just trying to be delicate!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Give me some money!
0:03:39 > 0:03:41SHE SCOFFS
0:03:48 > 0:03:52And if you slouch, the string releases the deportment tiger,
0:03:52 > 0:03:56which will attack anyone not standing properly.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59TIGER ROARS
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Mr Grimstone, you have kidnapped me!
0:04:03 > 0:04:07My father trusted you, but it turns out you are a vile fiend!
0:04:07 > 0:04:12Yes I am. In fact, I once won Vile Fiend of The Year.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- You monster!- Look out! The tiger!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18TIGER ROARS
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Aaah! - CLOTHES TEAR
0:04:21 > 0:04:22VICTORIA SCREAMS
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Maybe the deportment tiger wasn't my best idea.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Is this heaven or hell?
0:04:45 > 0:04:49This is the East End of London in the mid-19th century,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52so I'd say hell.
0:04:52 > 0:04:58Oh Lord, why did you spare me? I wanted to die!
0:04:58 > 0:05:02I could help you die...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04for a small consideration.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Do you mean money? - No! I...
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Yeah, money. I want money.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Alas, I have none.
0:05:14 > 0:05:20All I own is my silk trousers, my gold shirt and my cravat made of five pound notes.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23GRUMBLECHOOP CHUCKLES
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Now, young lady, meet your new tutress.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34You'll be locked in with her until you learn to speak French.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Why must I learn French?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Oh, you'll find out soon enough.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Ha-ha-ha!
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Ha-ha-ha!
0:05:43 > 0:05:48THEY CONTINUE TO LAUGH
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I really must grow a moustache to twirl.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Ha-ha-ha!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56There, everyone's happy.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00I've got your credit-clothes and you can die here.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Thank you, crone.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Already, I feel the cold stealing the very life from me.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Oh, curse you, life-giving sun!
0:06:14 > 0:06:19Oh, why do you save me, oh Lord? Is it to strive with every sinew
0:06:19 > 0:06:22to make amends for the harm that I've done?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Oh no, it's to drink gin.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Argh!
0:06:34 > 0:06:35But not bad.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Oh, Mama, you are not dead!
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Je suis ta maman?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48You do not remember?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51But I shall help you remember!
0:06:51 > 0:06:55And if you are alive, maybe father and Victor are too! Woo!
0:06:55 > 0:07:01Once I wore opulent clothes. Now I wear nasty clothes.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07A mud hat, a potato-sack suit,
0:07:07 > 0:07:09and seagull shoes.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Oh Lord! Why hast thou emptied my bottle?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22To make me get more gin?
0:07:23 > 0:07:24OK.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33At last, London! Where I might be reunited with my remaining family.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- Ah, not London. - BAGPIPES PLAY
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Meaning London is even further away.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45But at least you shall have a chum for company, dear Victor!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Smalcolm! You too have escaped from St Nasty's!
0:07:48 > 0:07:53I have! And where'er you go, I go too! Chums forever!
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Chums forever indeed! Now, to London!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Not that good chums.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Sorry.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20My shop!
0:08:23 > 0:08:28If people as feeble-minded as the French can learn French, how hard can it be?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Jedrington!
0:08:38 > 0:08:39You are alive.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44Grimstone, dear partner. What has happened to my lovely shop?
0:08:45 > 0:08:51In your absence, I sold the company's assets to myself for a penny,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53leaving it with only the debts.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55It instantly collapsed.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00On the plus side, though, I am now incredibly rich.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I thought you were my friend.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Oh, almost forgot.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Your wife's secret, the one that drove her to her death?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I revealed that.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17And Victor's caning accident at St Nasty's?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Me again.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22My poor betrayed family!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24My poor betrayed me!
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Pathetic.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27You splubber!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30You drayling trink-pot!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Shall I kick his stomach out, sir?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37No, Pusweasel.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Let Mother Gin take her course.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43He is already at rage.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- Blindness will soon follow. - Who said that? Why's it gone dark?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50And then death.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01And as you die, know that I hold your daughter captive.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05She is mine now.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Not my littlie...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Ha-ha-ha!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Are you gin-death, come to claim me?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Servegood!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Servegood, Servegood!
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Servegood!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Couldn't let a good man like you end up gin-dead, sir.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Alas, I am not a good man.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Oh, but you are.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39Thanks to the money you have given me, I have become middle-class.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Well, lower-mid...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Thank you, Servegood. Thank you.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49Least I could do, sir. Now, breakfast?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Glass of gin, please.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54No, sir. No more gin.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Please?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Pretty please?
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Beautiful please?
0:11:00 > 0:11:01No, sir.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- Angry please?- No.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04- Give me some gin!- No, sir.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08You are a gin-addict, and must be cured,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10and to that end, I have been studying
0:11:10 > 0:11:14the most advanced scientific methods known to the medical world.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Now...
0:11:22 > 0:11:24..come and get it, sonny.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30I have written down everything about your life
0:11:30 > 0:11:32and made it into a memory soup,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35and for pudding there is a memory-jogging madeleine.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36- Now, eat up!- D'accord.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Now, let's try again.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47- Gin, sir? - No, take it away, don't hit me!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Then you are cured!
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Victoria, dearest Victoria!
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Mama! You remember!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Yes! Thanks to you I remember everything!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09CONCEPTIVA BURPS
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Ooh, holiday in Bournemouth.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Conceptiva Secret-Past! Mr Grimst... Oh!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Oh how tiresome, you're still alive.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Yes, still alive and still angry.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29And I am suing you for ruining my business and for the return of my daughter!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- Well, I shall sue you back. - But I sued you first!
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- First worst, second the best. - Third the one with the hairy chest.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Oh, don't be so childish.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Victoria! My littlie! I will save you!
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- Papa!- Aaaah!
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Oh look, my posture cudgel!
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Miss Tightclench, I believe I have something of yours!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54No! You put Stoolie down!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57If you say so.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Stoolie!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Quick, Mama! Put these on your head!
0:13:04 > 0:13:05MISS TIGHTCLENCH WEEPS
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Posture, Miss Tightclench.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- TIGER ROARS - Uh-oh!
0:13:14 > 0:13:18You are pathetic, unfit to have a business or a daughter.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I am not pathetic!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Oh no? Would you like some gin?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Aargh, don't hit me!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27WOMAN SCREAMS IN BACKGROUND
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Ugh! And now you're alive as well!
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Why is your family incapable of just dying?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Aaah!- Urgh!
0:13:43 > 0:13:44- Mama!- Oh!
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Run, Mama! Find Papa! Together you can rescue me!
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Aaah!
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Jedrington!
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Must my late wife's tones haunt me evermore?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Dearest husband, it is I!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Can it be? Conceptiva...beloved wife?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I must tell you that by running like that you have just broken
0:14:16 > 0:14:19the Victorian Gentlewoman's Decorum Maintenance Act of 1843.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Well, now I shall smash it to pieces!
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Blimey!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31I am French. We are a people of passion!
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Oh, to see you alive! And Victoria will surely be freed by the courts!
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Now, if only Victor were found, we might be a family again!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45We have travelled far, dear chum,
0:14:45 > 0:14:50yet with you here beside me, it has seemed...unfar.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52The benefits of strong chum-nosity.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54And finally we have arrived in London.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57SHEEP BLEAT
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Curse these Celtic capitals!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Wait, what is this?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09My parents are alive!
0:15:09 > 0:15:14And fighting for my sister! We must to court!
0:15:21 > 0:15:26Oh joyous day! For today, the law will return our daughter to us.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Yes, and our business, I hope.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Fear not, dear husband, for though we can afford no lawyer, we have justice on our side.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Yes, and I have read this book from cover to page four.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Plus you have a loving and devoted wife by your side,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Mr Grimstone only has the finest lawyer in Britain.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Mmmm.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47All rise for his honour, Judge Harshmore Grimstone!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50My uncle.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53The book says that's not good.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58So, how are you, dear boy?
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- Very well thank you, Uncle. Looking forward to winning this case. - Naturally.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Now, as is his right, Mr Grimstone has elected for the case
0:16:06 > 0:16:08to be decided by a jury of his cousins.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10JURY: Hello, Harmswell!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13A jury is meant to be twelve...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16But I only have three cousins.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Representing Mr Grimstone is Mr Neverlost Dunthem.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24By the way, thank you very much for the present, Mr Dunthem.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28And I understand you have chosen to represent yourself, Mr Secret-Past.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I have, Your Judge-iness.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34ALL CHUCKLE QUIETLY
0:16:37 > 0:16:39INCREASING LAUGHTER
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Really, this won't take very long. Right, are we all ready?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Three, two, one... go!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I would like to call Mr Secret-Past.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50JURY: Boo! Hiss!
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Mr Secret-Past, you claim my client deliberately ruined your company.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- I do.- And yet I shall prove
0:16:58 > 0:17:01that it was perfectly clear from the outset that my client was evil
0:17:01 > 0:17:06and thus it is your own fault under the law of Caveat Idiot.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Well...
0:17:07 > 0:17:12Did my client give you a card when you first met? Indeed, this card?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I have had an enlargement made.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Here we are...
0:17:19 > 0:17:21But I didn't see...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23No further questions.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Apart from one.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26How does my client laugh?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30I don't understand.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Mr Grimstone, would you please laugh for the court?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35GRIMSTONE LAUGHS EVILLY
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Clearly an evil laugh.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46JURY MURMUR AGREEMENT
0:17:49 > 0:17:50- But...- No further questions.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Apart from two.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Is this your signature?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Er...a bit, yes.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Interesting. Because it's on a legally binding contract
0:18:03 > 0:18:06signing the company entirely over to my client.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Mr Dunthem, you said two further questions. That was only one.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Oh. Erm...
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- What's your favourite colour?- Blue. - No further questions.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25JURY BOO AND HISS
0:18:26 > 0:18:31Dearest, you were brilliant! Although I thought your favourite colour was purple.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Oh, damn, of course!
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Well, I think we've heard enough.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38I suggest we skip all the evidence and legal what-you-may-call-it,
0:18:38 > 0:18:43and cut straight to the verdict that Mr Grimstone wins. Do the jury agree?
0:18:43 > 0:18:44JURY: Mmm... Yes.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- Get in!- Super. Right, lunch.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49No, wait.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52In the matter of the business, I concede.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56But I do want my daughter back and I will be heard.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Dearest, you are so hot right now.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Fine. But be quick about it.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Bring in Exhibit A! And a sandwich.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17I would like to call my wife.
0:19:19 > 0:19:24Dearest... Mrs Secret-Past, would you please describe Exhibit A?
0:19:27 > 0:19:31She is our daughter. Our only surviving child.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34And we love her very much.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39When she was a baby, she clutched my finger,
0:19:39 > 0:19:44looked at me and I... I knew I would love her forever.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49No further questions. I would now like to call Mr Harmswell Grimstone.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Mr Grimstone, why do you want my daughter?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Because I, too, love her very much.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02Good answer! Well, sounds like no further questions to me.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Er...
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I have a question.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Mr Grimstone, what is my daughter's name?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Objection! Woman!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Sustained.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Speak again, Mrs Secret-Past, and you will be in contempt of court
0:20:21 > 0:20:23and of society.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25No, wait.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29My wife is right, and if I had listened to her months ago, none of this would have happened.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Thank you.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Don't push it. Mr Grimstone, what is my daughter's name?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Is that supposed to be a serious question?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40This girl you claim to love so much, what is her name?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Well, it's...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Exhibit A.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Her real name!
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Erm...
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Exhibita?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57You do not know her name! How can you claim to love her?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Names matter not, love does.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02And I do love her so much!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06For know this, cousins of the jury.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13My heart has gone out to this child, what's-her-name.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20I myself no longer have a family.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21JURY: Aah!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24My poor wife died in childbirth.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26JURY: Aah!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Worse, not even her own childbirth.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30A heavily pregnant woman sat on her to death.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32JURY: Oh!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35But - oh joy - she left me a son.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37JURY: Ah!
0:21:37 > 0:21:42Then - oh woe - cruel fate took him too.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Well, I was left de-familied.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54So when I saw young thingy-ma-bob was de-familied too,
0:21:54 > 0:21:59my heart wept and I took her in.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Her parents act all daughter-lovey now,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06but where were they when she needed them?
0:22:06 > 0:22:12Drinking gin and hurling themselves in the Thames!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15But...she is our daughter.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17JUDGE BANGS GAVEL Enough!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19You broke the sacred bonds of family
0:22:19 > 0:22:22with your gin-drinking and your Thames-hurling,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24bonds that I take very seriously indeed,
0:22:24 > 0:22:29while this noble man is prepared to offer this child
0:22:29 > 0:22:32a place in the best family in Britain.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34JURY: Hear, hear.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38In the case of Secret-Past versus Grimstone, I declare that...
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Let the proceedings proceed no further!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Victor!- Dearest son!- Yay!
0:22:53 > 0:22:54No!
0:22:56 > 0:22:57It cannot be!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Oh yes, it can be... Father.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Father?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03ALL: Father?
0:23:03 > 0:23:09Yes, I am Smalcolm Grimstone and this man is my father.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12He killed my mother by dropping a heavily pregnant woman on her.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16When he realised I had witnessed his crime -
0:23:16 > 0:23:20I told him, bit of a mistake in hindsight -
0:23:20 > 0:23:23he sent me to the worst school in the world to rot to death.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Is this true, Harmswell?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Of course not!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Look at this twisted freak.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35As good Victorians, we should not believe him.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38We should exploit him in a show!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40JURY MURMUR APPROVAL
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I am no freak!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I am merely trapped in the same shirt I was sewn into
0:23:45 > 0:23:48when I went to the school years ago!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Argh!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55HE LAUGHS MANFULLY
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Smalcolm!
0:23:57 > 0:23:58You are tall!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02And handsome, very handsome.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Which is an objective manly judgement, and nothing beastly.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Yes, I am a tall man of some looks,
0:24:08 > 0:24:12and I say that my father, Harmswell Grimstone,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14is not fit to be a parent!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16JUDGE BANGS GAVEL
0:24:16 > 0:24:21The sacred bonds of family ripped asunder! Intolerable!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23I'm sure the jury will agree with me...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25JURY MURMUR APPROVAL ..when I say, Mr and Mrs Secret-Past,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28you may have your daughter back.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Oh, joy!
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Wait! I have something to say which may yet sway you!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37This had better be good.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Simply this...
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Pusweasel, the blunderbuss!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Goody, violence time!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Why do you want my daughter so badly?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48That's quite simple.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52One day soon, Britain and France will no longer hate each other,
0:24:52 > 0:24:54may even become allies.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55That's a business opportunity.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57So?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Your daughter is exactly half French, half English.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I intend to float her on the stock exchange
0:25:05 > 0:25:07as the first Anglo-French multi-national.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I'll make a fortune!
0:25:10 > 0:25:11But my daughter is not a commodity.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- She's just a little girl that we love very much!- Oh, love(!)
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Yes, love! Not money, or power, or big houses,
0:25:18 > 0:25:22or diamond underpants, or any of the things you lured me with!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I admit, I fell for the blandishments of wealth.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- He did.- I lost sight of love, of what was important.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34- My children, my wife, my family. - Too right.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- I was a fool.- Yup. A complete idiot. A total...
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- Dearest, you are not helping as much as you think.- Sorry.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44For without love, what are we,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47other than a bald animal with a gift for admin?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Love is the woolly jumper to the world's cold indifference,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55the custard to life's not-quite-ripe rhubarb.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00And without love, we are nothing.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Pusweasel, shoot him!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12No.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17This man has moved my wicked heart to noble feelings.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I want some love.
0:26:21 > 0:26:27Miss Tightclench, will you be the custard to my unripe rhubarb?
0:26:27 > 0:26:32Are you suggesting a mutual bonding of two desperate, lonely people?
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Yeah, girl.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Hmm, sounds good to me.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- Oh!- Posture! - So stern!- Posture!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Let us see love protect you now!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- Aaah!- Servegood!
0:26:50 > 0:26:56Least I could do, sir. Thanks to you, I have been middle-class.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Oh, the things I've seen!
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Delicate woollen coverings for toilet rolls.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I have drank tea like this!
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Then politely dabbed my mouth with a serviette.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25I have enjoyed being middle-cl...
0:27:25 > 0:27:26ah...
0:27:27 > 0:27:28..class...
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Well, lower-mid...
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Servegood, I shall avenge you!
0:27:37 > 0:27:38GUN CLICKS
0:27:38 > 0:27:42Oh, damn! Look, just give me three minutes to reload.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- Ah, no!- Stop!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47In the name of the law, I cannot allow this to happen to my client!
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Thank you.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Now I can allow this to happen.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55No!
0:27:55 > 0:27:58This seems like the aptest of places.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00I'll be baaaccckkk!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02SPLASH
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Grimstone was right. There is money in Anglo-French goods.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15There, sir. Half a pound of Camembilton.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18And enjoy your ale with snails, sir.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Or, how about this? Half-top hat, half-beret. All the rage.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25One day, we may even be rich again.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28But we are happy as we are, are we not?
0:28:28 > 0:28:29Yes. Happier than ever.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53HE LAUGHS EVILLY
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Hello there.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33If you're a digital viewer and you press the red button now,
0:29:33 > 0:29:35I will make you very, very rich.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39Terms and conditions apply. May not actually happen.