0:00:11 > 0:00:15- Ted, I wondered if you'd had a chance to think about...- I'm not interested in coming to see Lady Gaga, sir.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19No. Fair enough, Ted.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30This house has been rudderless for far too long, Mother.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33If we do not take action, and take it soon,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35your fortune, the estate,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38our very family will be thrown to the four winds.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41It's all happening so fast, Hugh.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44You returned from India like a tornado,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46and I've had no time to think.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48You do agree, though, that Bates had to go?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I will concede that a new head butler is something
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I ought to have attended to a very long time ago.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56And this new fellow comes highly recommended.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Right, shut it! I'm in charge here.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02You, put your bloomers on and go and make me a cup of tea, two sugars.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- Ah, Monkfish, you've arrived. - Shut it, Lord Snooty!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07What do you think this is? Harry Potter?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Go and make me something to eat, I'm starving.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- VOICEOVER:- 'Coming soon to the BBC, in a desperate attempt to copy ITV,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16'who themselves were only copying the BBC when they were good,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20'and had their own ideas, and didn't have to nick things off ITV.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24'Even though, as I said, ITV nicked it off them.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28'John Actor plays a tough, uncompromising butler in...'
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- Now, Monkfish, I do...- What are you doing still standing there?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I told you to do one! Now, jog on!
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Right, you, I want you upstairs polishing my boots.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43You, I want you downstairs polishing my helmet.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48Come on. Stay there, and lay off the After Eights.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51BICYCLE BELL RINGS
0:01:51 > 0:01:53HE WINCES
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Do mine eyes deceive me, Paul,
0:01:55 > 0:01:59or hast thou brought the devil's wheels on to this hallowed ground?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01You know I can't afford to buy a new car, Swiss.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Even if I could, I couldn't afford to run it, or get it insured.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Yeah, I suppose you're right, Paul. I suppose you're right.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08We haven't sold a car in weeks.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I'm a bit nervous about taking this out on the road, to be honest.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Oh, no, Paul. Riding a bike is...
0:02:13 > 0:02:16very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18First, check that it can take your weight,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21and it's the correct height for mounting.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Then, feel the saddle.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27Is it large, small, hard, soft, leathery, warm, comfortable?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30It's entirely down to personal preference.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Give the frame a good going-over, and lubricate where necessary.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37If possible, peel back the rim,
0:02:37 > 0:02:41and check the inner tubes for any leakages or blockages.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Then you should be ready to climb in to the saddle and start pedalling.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48It's important that your ride should be hard and firm.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Should your tyres become flaccid,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52it could lead to an embarrassing loss of control.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56If in doubt, simply dismount and give it a good hand-pump.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00You should be restored to your former glory in a matter of moments.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04And remember, Paul, be helmet aware at all times,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07and never, ever switch lanes whilst riding
0:03:07 > 0:03:09without first giving due warning.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Finally, Paul, once you've reached your destination,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16come to a gentle stop,
0:03:16 > 0:03:18and dismount slowly.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20And then, for God's sake, Paul,
0:03:20 > 0:03:22don't leave it standing around in the hallway.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Get it out of the house.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28And maybe chain it to some railings.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Cancer! - HE SCREAMS
0:03:30 > 0:03:33HE GRUNTS AND TAPS FINGERS
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Or maybe it was a Scorpio, I don't know.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38HE CHUCKLES AND MUMBLES
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I remember that... Ap-bep-bep-bep, whoosh!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Like that, then, look out, be coming back the other way,
0:03:44 > 0:03:45wha-choo, like that!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47And, in fact, it was frightened there,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50because it was analogous to the golfer's swing.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- And I... - HE CHUCKLES
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- MUMBLING - Ooh! Ha-ha!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57One was about yea big,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59one of them was about yea big,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01and mine was only about that big,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03but it was by far the heaviest of the three.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05HE LAUGHS
0:04:05 > 0:04:07INCOHERENT THROUGH LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:10You know, right there, he said, "Fodor's lemma!
0:04:10 > 0:04:14"In modern parlance, the nonstationary ideal is normal."
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- MUMBLING - I said, we won't get there with me!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- They said it was one like them... - HE MAKES WHISTLING NOISE
0:04:20 > 0:04:21HE CHUCKLES
0:04:21 > 0:04:25But I, I sat down, like that, round like that,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- and Oscar Hammerstein was there... - MUMBLING
0:04:28 > 0:04:31..it was the Aga Khan, and I remember he put his hand like that,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35and he had an absolutely marvellous hand,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38the king of spades, the ace of spades,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- the five of... - MUMBLING
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- LAUGHTER - I said, "Well, I'm out of there!"
0:04:43 > 0:04:45HE CHUCKLES
0:04:45 > 0:04:51And I remember thinking that I had a kind of fruit and chicken drink.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53HE MUMBLES NONSENSICALLY
0:04:55 > 0:04:59..I remember talking to him, and he made absolutely no sense at all.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02HE LAUGHS AND MUMBLES
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- And I said, "Look..." - MUMBLES
0:05:04 > 0:05:10"..because, you see, I'm afraid that I am very, very drunk."
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Is that the new one? 4G? Oven glass?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Dual symbol technology? Midget sound stage?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Thought library? That is a blindin' phone.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22My mate had the first one in the country, over nine months ago.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25He had to queue up all night at the Apple Store in Beijing.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Worth it, though. Get a good package with it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Oh, I don't know, I just got the basic. I like the camera.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32"I like the camera"? You can shoot a movie on that phone
0:05:32 > 0:05:34and mix the sound live in 3D.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36In 3D!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38My pal's already made two films on his phone.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42First one was like a sort of indie, avant-garde porn film,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45and the second one was just a hardcore porn film.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Sent off to the Guardian Film Club. Nothing!
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I can't be bothered. I just want a phone, you know?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Well, luckily, there are a few people round with a bit more vision than you, bit more ambition.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Look, what's the greatest invention of all time?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- I don't know. Something by Dyson? - No, no, no, no.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Look, the daddy of them all, Sky+.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Say what you like about Robert Murdoch,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08but when I go down the pub and I come back
0:06:08 > 0:06:12and my telly has taped England versus Latvia on ITV And Sky,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14that's 11 different pundits at half-time.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Plus, I've watched it in the pub anyway - I'm a three-time winner!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20You should've got a free case with that.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22My mate got a free pair of clogs with his.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25You can ask for whatever you want. Buyers' market, innit?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28And it will be for another 20 years, I reckon.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Then, a new white working class will rise up
0:06:31 > 0:06:33who's prepared to work hard, and listen,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37and not spend all day sitting in a toilet reading the newspaper
0:06:37 > 0:06:39on the firm's time. What apps you got?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42You may or may not be familiar
0:06:42 > 0:06:43with an experiment
0:06:43 > 0:06:45conducted in the 1890s
0:06:45 > 0:06:47known as Pavlov's dogs,
0:06:47 > 0:06:53which proves the psychological theory known simply as conditioning.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58In an homage to Pavlov, myself and Dave here have,
0:06:58 > 0:07:02over the last four weeks, recreated the same laboratory conditions,
0:07:02 > 0:07:06where I play the role of the dog.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11The bell was rung, and my reward was a can of baked beans.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16I was conditioned to associate the bell with the beans.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17- Dave. - BELL RINGS
0:07:17 > 0:07:19HE BREAKS WIND
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Thank you, Dave.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Already, I am picturing the beans,
0:07:23 > 0:07:27and I'm experiencing an excess of saliva in my mouth.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28BELL, HE BREAKS WIND
0:07:28 > 0:07:30As Dave continues to ring the bell,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33the conditioned reflex is reinforced.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35BELL, BREAKS WIND
0:07:35 > 0:07:39As the beans are not served, I feel hunger pangs in my stomach and...
0:07:39 > 0:07:41BELL, BREAKS WIND
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- OK, Dave, you can stop the bell now. - BELL RINGS
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Enough, already! - BREAKS WIND
0:07:46 > 0:07:49You got Skype? I prefer the mystery of the disembowelled voice
0:07:49 > 0:07:50on the other end of the line.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Remember them calls you made to your mum? Reversing the charges
0:07:54 > 0:07:56after missing the boat on a school journey to Boulogne?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58"Hello, Mum? I've missed the ferry!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01"I've been nicked for spitting on a statue of General de Gaulle."
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Do you know what I miss most? Writing a letter to a bird.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08There are things you can say on a page you can't say in person.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Licking the envelope, trying to get the stamp straight.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Running to the postbox, your heart beating. "What will she say?"
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Ahh! That's really sweet.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I'm only joking, you doughnut!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Look, there's an app on here called Monkey In Space.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23When you shake it, the air leaks out of his helmet,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- and he dies screaming! - LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:08:26 > 0:08:29'Heth-eth-eth-eth! Chanel 9 News.'
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Buono estente.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- Buono estente. - Et bonjour revoir.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Il headline news internacionale.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Tomulto rioting buletova in-a Ukrayne.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Trolls tack lund fur bridelsson.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46Tomulte rioting gasolina Molotov in-a illa Irlande.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Begorrah!- Orangey-boys, orangey-boom, so it is now.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Sminki-pinki gas of tears up ata boys.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Chris Waddle. Glenn Hoddle.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Pussy wi-wi, tis melpo,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59ruis lee, schnauzer.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Falia hela, falia hele, falia hela, hello, boys.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Tourettes. Baa!
0:09:05 > 0:09:09El Presidente tontoro avec les concubines mit erie.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Heth-eth-eth-eth-eth!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Feline dans l'arbres!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Ho-ho-ho!- Me can't believe it!
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- Hili boschas.- Hili boschan.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Billy H-Ocean.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Ton speaky-spokey persone
0:09:20 > 0:09:25contra il rioting Ingleterre a Londre, Camilla Batman-Khaftan.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Some people are asking, are these riots racially-motivated,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31or are they politically-motivated?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Is this a down-trodden underclass expressing their rage
0:09:34 > 0:09:36that they have no stake in society?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Or maybe it's just an expression of mindless greed?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42But the question they should be asking,
0:09:42 > 0:09:46and I know from my years of working with under-privileged kids, is,
0:09:46 > 0:09:47does my bum look big in this?
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Botox.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55Tutto Spudulike ton meteorologicos chick feminatarari
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- ton retorno triumvale, di Poula Fisch! Poula.- Poula.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Don meteorologicos Republicca.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05A Valle Portos, scorchio!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Mi Nia Kuntera Interior, scorchio!
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Mi Nia Kuntera Exterior, scorchio!
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Warzona Esta, scorchio!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Warzona Sud, scorchio!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Costa...scorchio!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Botox.
0:10:25 > 0:10:30It's gone midnight, and all me posh, arty friends have gone home,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33but I'm still a tiny bit peckish.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36So I'm going to let you in on a little secret...
0:10:36 > 0:10:40I'm going to give you the recipe for an unbeatable gourmet feast.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42It's nice, but naughty,
0:10:42 > 0:10:47and the brilliant thing about it is you can make it from leftovers.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50So, take some peas...
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Mmm, lovely!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Grate on some cheese...
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Lovely!
0:10:57 > 0:11:01And then I add my secret ingredient,
0:11:01 > 0:11:05and this is what really makes it a five-star snack...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07chocolate.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10And I call it chocolate cheesy peas.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13'Mmm, lovely.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15'Who could resist that?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20'Mmm! Chocolate cheesy peas.'
0:11:23 > 0:11:25GENTLE JAZZ MUSIC
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Well, hello, and welcome to Jazz Club.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Mmm.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Great.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38APPLAUSE
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Tonight on the show, we've got one of the legends of jazz,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46veteran crooner Herbie Jackson.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Nice!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51His singing career's spanned over 50 years.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55He's shared the stage with the likes of Frank Sinatra, Mel Torme,
0:11:55 > 0:11:59- and Tony Bennett.- Hey, you know what Mel Torme's nickname was?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01No, go on, remind us, Herbie.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- HE LAUGHS - It was The Velvet Frog!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Who?
0:12:09 > 0:12:10So, Herbie,
0:12:10 > 0:12:14can I say tonight you're looking as fit as a proverbial jazz fiddle.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19You know, I think...my music has kept me going all these years, you know?
0:12:19 > 0:12:24And, er, my music has kept me going all these years, you know?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I mean, when I get up there on that stage, you know,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I feel like I'm...20 years old again,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33especially with this wonderful young band that I'm touring with.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- So, what are you going to be playing for us tonight?- Huh?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41You know, I think we'll let the music speak for itself.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46Ladies and gentlemen, Herbie Jackson and the New Jazz Pioneers.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you, thank you.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59MUSIC STARTS
0:13:01 > 0:13:04# It's so great to be back
0:13:04 > 0:13:06# Where I belong... #
0:13:06 > 0:13:09APPLAUSE
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to take this opportunity
0:13:13 > 0:13:16to introduce you to some of the guys in the band.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20On the drums, Mr Nat Penrose!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22DRUM FLOURISH
0:13:23 > 0:13:26# So great... #
0:13:26 > 0:13:31Ladies and gentlemen, someone who needs no introduction from me,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35on the drums, Mr Nat Penrose!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37DRUM FLOURISH
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# Let me tell you... #
0:13:43 > 0:13:47His hands are insured for one million bucks, ladies and gentlemen.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51On the drums...Mr Nat Penrose!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53DRUM FLOURISH
0:13:55 > 0:14:02Mantinatu el Colonel Murmas Nelling qui con resultas sporting soccerball.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Shanty Town, zero, Death Squad, uno.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10FC Twente One, zero, Smallboyzindaparc, zero.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15Footerklub Kommunisto, zero, Tortureklub USA, due.
0:14:15 > 0:14:21Millionairos Athletico, sixa, Millionairos Non-Athletico, cinque.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26Multi-Millionairos, eleveno, Multi-Multi-Millionairos, twelvo.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31Shipping Magnates Utd, diexo, Hedgefund Wanderers, diexo.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Multi-Multi- Millionairos-Billionairos, eleveno,
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Arsenal, zero.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Grazie, Colonel.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Mantinato tonussi economiki con Mikki Disco.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Oy-oy.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46DISCO BEAT
0:14:46 > 0:14:50# Euro come, euro go Euro high, euro low
0:14:50 > 0:14:53# Euro no good
0:14:54 > 0:14:59# Euro hot, euro cold Put all your money into gold
0:14:59 > 0:15:01# Euro no go-o-od-a!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05# Disco news! #
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- I predict a riot! - Botox.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Well, this is nice, isn't it, Johnny?- I'll say.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17To be out in the fresh air after being cooped up inside that stuffy old hospital.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Oh, that was rotten for you, darling,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22but if you will ride your bicycle without a helmet
0:15:22 > 0:15:26through the village... You know how those lorries thunder through!
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Yes, I think I should have my head examined.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33(You've had your head examined about 50 times over the last ten years.)
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Still, I don't think that knock to the old noggin
0:15:36 > 0:15:39has done any...any lasting damage,
0:15:39 > 0:15:44and here I am, able to capture England's rural heritage in paint.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48So, I must crack on. Going to need some green for the fields,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52some orange for the roofs of those farm buildings down there,
0:15:52 > 0:15:56and, er... My goodness, Katie, just look at those deep,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58dark shadows under the trees there.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- What colour do you think we should use for that?- Midnight blue.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Do you think so? There's not a lot of colour in there.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10Er, or a very, very dark brown, or burnt umber.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Or, or... Or ebony. Ebony!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- Or black.- Oh...
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Yes, I...I don't know why I don't just get the black out.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I think I shall use quite a lot of black in this painting.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I don't know why I've never really used it before.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26It's perfect for those blackbirds over there,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29that thick column of black smoke rising from the blacksmiths.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33After all, Katie, it's not an ebonysmith, is it?!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35HE CHUCKLES Right. Erm, OK.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39I've got a couple of pork pies from that funny little man in Broughton.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43The one with the toupee that looks like a squirrel that's been run over?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Tell you what, Katie, just pop those down there,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48because I want to quickly sketch those Friesian cows in
0:16:48 > 0:16:51before they move away, because I love the contrast there
0:16:51 > 0:16:53between the black and the...white!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56White! White!
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Like the white noise that plays ping-pong inside my skull!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03White! Like the pallid face of death!
0:17:03 > 0:17:08White! White, like everybody in a senior position at the BBC!
0:17:08 > 0:17:12White! White, like Simon Cowell's trousers!
0:17:12 > 0:17:19White, like the bleached bones of your long-dead lover, Teddy Pumpkin.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- SHARP SLAP - Orange!
0:17:21 > 0:17:28Orange, like the burning pit in the sun that will one day engulf us all!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Orange! Orange! Orange!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Listen, can you hear?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM
0:17:37 > 0:17:39SNORING
0:17:39 > 0:17:45Me, the 13th Duke of Wymbourne, here, in an old people's home,
0:17:45 > 0:17:47with my reputation?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Are they quite mad?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51It all still works, you know.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Just takes a little longer, that's all.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58None of them will remember a thing in the morning.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Trouble is, neither will I.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Oh, well.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Dentures out, granny. Here I come.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Our favourite place to eat, well, it's the Hare And Hounds.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Last time we went there, I chose the corn-fed chicken.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19I said to Roy, "Ooh, I can taste that corn." What did I say, Roy?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22"Ooh, I can taste that corn."
0:18:22 > 0:18:27Well, Roy, like you, ordered gammon, which came with an egg on top.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30I said to Roy, "Don't you DARE eat that egg on top of the gammon!"
0:18:30 > 0:18:32What did I say, Roy?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35"Don't you DARE eat that egg on top of the gammon!"
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Last time he had an egg, he was bound up for weeks.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Roy's bowels are legendary.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43He's either fully impacted, or loose as a goose.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I said to Roy, "There's no in between with you, is there?"
0:18:46 > 0:18:48What did I say, Roy?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"There's no in between with you, is there?"
0:18:51 > 0:18:54So what I've done now is I've got a chart on the fridge,
0:18:54 > 0:18:58so I can keep a check on his bottom activities.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Every day, when he's been, he ticks either "runny",
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"stubborn", or "solid".
0:19:04 > 0:19:08I said to Roy, "It's a full-time job, monitoring your stools."
0:19:08 > 0:19:09What did I say, Roy?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12"It's a full-time job, monitoring your stools."
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Although, I must admit, we went to a wedding,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16and I had a bit of a dickie tummy.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20I said to Roy, "This food doesn't suit my palate."
0:19:20 > 0:19:21What did I say, Roy?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"I've just followed through."
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I did NOT say that, Roy!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I said it had just started to peep through.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32On the drums, Mr Nat Penrose!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34DRUM FLOURISH
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce some of the band.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41On the drums...
0:19:41 > 0:19:45In starlight, orange hands...
0:19:45 > 0:19:47SHARP SLAP
0:19:47 > 0:19:48- Green!- Oh...
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Green, like the gangrenous corpse of hope!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Green, like... - SLAP
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Black!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Black!
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Black, like Japanese hair
0:20:01 > 0:20:03that I'm hiding in...
0:20:03 > 0:20:08'New from Greenland, Gourmet Party Frozen Cheesy Peas!
0:20:08 > 0:20:13'A solid three-tonne lump of frozen cheese and peas for only £1!
0:20:13 > 0:20:18'That's £1 for three tonnes of cheesy peas!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21'The tasty gourmet snack for the poshest of dos.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24'Ambassador, you're spoiling us!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26'Three bloody tonnes!'
0:20:26 > 0:20:29# Carried away by a moonlight shadow
0:20:29 > 0:20:32# He passed on worried and warning... #
0:20:32 > 0:20:35How you doin'? Dave Angel, eco warrior,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38OG, original gangster.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Eeeee!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43I've just come back from Helsinki in Finland
0:20:43 > 0:20:47where I was attending the new fuel summit.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50It is amazing what these young inventors are coming up with
0:20:50 > 0:20:52to power the old "jam jar".
0:20:52 > 0:20:56While I was there, I sat down in the delegates' hotel
0:20:56 > 0:20:59to a fantastic cooked English breakfast,
0:20:59 > 0:21:04one of the few things in which the Brits still rule the world.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09Double egg, bacon, sausage, grilled tomatoes, one mushroom,
0:21:09 > 0:21:11and two slices of "holy ghost".
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Boosh! Wallop!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Let's get ready to rumble!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I was joined by a number of other delegates.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I could tell from what country they'd come by the little flags
0:21:24 > 0:21:25on their shirts.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28First of all, a Spanish geezer come in.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31He's had a boiled egg, a few peppers,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33and then he's boshed out a couple of anchovies.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I was disgusted!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I could barely finish me eggy-bacey-boo.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I was trying to calm meself down
0:21:40 > 0:21:43when a "septic tank" walked in the room.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47He's gone up to the buffet, and he's come back with pancakes,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50eggs, bacon, sausage, 'ash browns,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53kiwi fruit, strawberries, and two cakes...
0:21:53 > 0:21:55on the same plate!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Then he's got the brass neck to say to me,
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"Hello, sir. Are you having a nice day?"
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I've said, "Havin' a nice day?! You mug!
0:22:04 > 0:22:08"Pancakes are on Shrove Tuesday, not in the middle of summer,
0:22:08 > 0:22:12"with lemon juice and sugar, you slag!"
0:22:12 > 0:22:16And then two geezers have come in wearing dressing gowns.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19They've had Coco Pops and champagne.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I've gone, "Oi! Where do you think you are? Disney World?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26"What is it, Yogi Bear's birthday? You spraltzy pair o' dildos!
0:22:26 > 0:22:28"Get out!"
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Then, Japanese fella's come in.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32He's gone for the raw fish. I've saved him the bother.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35I've got up, and I've gone, SMASH!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And I've laid the man spark out.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I've gone, "That's for the tuna, the whales,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43"and the British car industry."
0:22:43 > 0:22:46In future, I'll have breakfast in my room.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49# The last that ever she saw him... #
0:22:49 > 0:22:51QUIET CHATTER
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Good afternoon, madam.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01I won't waste my time offering you any samples of my lovely perfumes,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04cos I'm afraid we don't stock any for people like you.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07However, let me ask you this.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12- SLOWLY:- Are you wheelchair-bound permanently?
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- What?!- I mean, are you in it all the time,
0:23:16 > 0:23:20or did you just get one today to secure a parking place?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22SHE CHUCKLES INCREDULOUSLY
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I'm in it all the time,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27and I don't drive, I use the bus.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Ach! Man, you're one of them.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Now, move along, cos I think you're blocking my access.
0:23:33 > 0:23:39Why would I need any different type of perfume to anyone else?
0:23:39 > 0:23:46Look...perfumes are made specifically for different types of people,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49otherwise we'd all smell the same, and then where would we be?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Perfumes are aspirational,
0:23:53 > 0:23:58and, frankly, nobody aspires to be like you.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00No offence.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04So are you saying you won't sell me any perfume?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Can I ask you this, however?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Do you find it hard to stay fresh,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14what with the sitting around all day?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- Oh,- BLEEP- off, you- BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!
0:24:18 > 0:24:23Ach! Man, that lot, they don't just hold up the buses -
0:24:23 > 0:24:25you can't say anything to them!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Very over-sensitive.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Ain't the universe brilliant?
0:24:33 > 0:24:38I mean, it's so profoundly big, and there's so much in it.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I mean, not like IKEA, it's bigger than that,
0:24:40 > 0:24:44and more profound. Wow.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49I'm 48 years old, and I still live with me mam! Brilliant!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Are you, er...?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Are you on Twitter, Ted?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Uh...
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Sorry, sir, I don't understand the question.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Do you tweet?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Well, I wouldn't really know about that, sir.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Er, Twitter, Ted, it's a social networking app
0:25:16 > 0:25:19in which you communicate with your followers
0:25:19 > 0:25:21using 140 characters or less.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Erm, you know, sir,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28the more you say, the less sense it seems to make to me, sir.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33No, well, I must assume from your responses, Ted,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35that you are not on Twitter.
0:25:35 > 0:25:40Certainly, my, er...searches for you on there have proved fruitless.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43You do have a computer?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Oh, yes, sir, yeah.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48And perhaps you're familiar with Facebook, Ted?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- Ah, yes, sir. - And do you have many friends?
0:25:52 > 0:25:57- Er...online, or in real life? - Well, er, both.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Yes, quite a few, sir.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03I have, er, five followers on Twitter -
0:26:03 > 0:26:06my great aunt Cecilia, somebody in Japan,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08er, my bank manager,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11the local shoe shop, of course,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13and, er, for some reason, the...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16the rapper 50 Cent.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Most peculiar chap.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23Well, perhaps I should, er, go on Facebook, Ted?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Maybe, sir.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28And would you be my friend?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Er, online, or in real life, sir?
0:26:31 > 0:26:35N-No, no, please don't think I was asking...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38No, that would be, er, a-an imposition, Ted. I'd...
0:26:38 > 0:26:40But, perhaps, erm...
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Well, s-sir...
0:26:43 > 0:26:48the way I look at it, sir, you know, you are my employer,
0:26:48 > 0:26:52but I have known you since you were a little boy,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54and I've watched you grow up, sir,
0:26:54 > 0:26:59and over the years we've had many chats about weighty matters,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02like the drainage in the lower field, and...
0:27:02 > 0:27:04TED SIGHS
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Well, knowing you as I do,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I think it's best we keep it online.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Yes...
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Y-Yes, I-I agree entirely, Ted, that's, er...
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Yes, w-we, we must keep it online, Ted.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23You go past the bathroom appliances,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25there's a little garden centre out the back.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- And I can get trellis there?- Oh, yeah, you get it by the yard.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30You're a dark horse. Kept that one quiet.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31What's the old dog been up to now?
0:27:31 > 0:27:35- He's only bangin' that new weather girl.- No! You been hangin' out the side of it, have you?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37The BACK of it, Ron, you silly old fool!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Was it the back or the side, Clive?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Back, side, front, bottom, up, down, and right round the bend!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44I totally smashed it to smithereens.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Did you leave it in a puddle on the floor?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- I totally wrote it off and left it in a bucket!- Ha-ha!
0:27:48 > 0:27:53Oh, isn't it, you know, the old slap'n'tickle, hmm? French kissing?
0:27:53 > 0:27:57The five Fs - find 'em, then forget 'em, find 'em again, er...
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Er, pheromones, isn't it? Marvellous. Totally smashed it.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04I tell you who I'd like to have a go on - that new bird in Countdown.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- Not 'alf.- I'll have a vowel please.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Have another vowel, another vowel, another vowel,
0:28:08 > 0:28:10consonant, consonant. "Ooh, what word have you got?"
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Oooohh!
0:28:12 > 0:28:14THEY LAUGH Aaahhh!
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- While you're down there, love. - Yeah, go on!
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Smash it a bit for him, will you, love? For mash, get Smash!
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- Excuse me, Clive.- You can fluff me any time you like, love.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Why don't you two girls get it on together? Give us a bit of a show, eh?
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Yeah, and while you're at it I could hang out the side
0:28:29 > 0:28:32while Clive smashes it into a bucket, isn't it?
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Oh, OK. You want it? Come on.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38MUSIC: "Yakety Sax"
0:28:41 > 0:28:43THEY SLAP HIS HEAD IN TURN
0:28:49 > 0:28:51SLAPPING CONTINUES