0:00:02 > 0:00:04- Wow, what's that? - It's my new Cheesy Peas app.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- Wow! Let me have a go.- All right.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08- VOICEOVER: - Keep up-to-date with Cheesy Peas
0:00:08 > 0:00:10with the new Cheesy Peas app.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Hot recipes, cool games, quizzes, competitions,
0:00:12 > 0:00:14the Cheesypedia and more.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Wow, how cool is that?
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Be part of the Cheesy Peas community, chat to, share with
0:00:19 > 0:00:21and meet enthusiasts in your area.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Find out about Cheesy Peas events, movies
0:00:23 > 0:00:25and probably even some gay stuff as well.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Wow, it's the best!
0:00:29 > 0:00:36This programme contains some strong language
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Can I get off to my lunch break a bit earlier today, Swiss?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I've got Cicely coming for dinner tonight
0:00:43 > 0:00:45and I needed to buy some stuff.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Are you...cooking for her, Paul?
0:00:47 > 0:00:48I thought I'd give it a try.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50A wise move.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- The ladies love a man in the kitchen. - Well, I hope you're right.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54I'm not the best cook in the world.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56My repertoire doesn't extend to boiling an egg.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58You know what I say, Paul?
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Boiling an egg is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05First, make your selection.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08If you're lucky you'll have anything up to a dozen to choose from.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Brown or white, it doesn't matter - they're all the same on the inside.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Then bring it to the boil as quickly as possible, and 3½ minutes later
0:01:15 > 0:01:18you'll be ready to take its top off and dip your soldier in.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Yeah, but I can't do a boiled egg, can I?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Not for a romantic dinner.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Well, then how about a baked potato, Paul?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29You can't go too far wrong with a baked potato.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- You haven't seen me cook, Swiss. - No, no, no, no. It's a simple, Paul.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Baking a potato is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Choose a nice, big, plump one,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41but you don't want it too tough and leathery.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Wash it, warm it up,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46check the skin for any blemishes,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49misplaced eyes and poisonous growths.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Then if you think it's ready thrust in your prong,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55and if you think it's soft and warm on the inside,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58you're ready to split her in half, smear her with butter
0:01:58 > 0:02:00and start mashing.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01HE CHUCKLES
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Barcelona are really flying tonight, Ron. They are a joy to behold.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Well, talking of flying, Clive,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09we're actually up pretty high ourselves, aren't we?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11We're like mountaineers.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Is there any chance we could have our old chairs back? Hm, isn't it?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17It's the modern way, Ron. These days the stool beats the chair
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- hands down.- Rubbish.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22There's nout wrong with a chair. It's a bloody design classic.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23You're not wrong, Sam.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I don't know who makes these decisions.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Probably some middle-management numpty
0:02:27 > 0:02:29with a degree in media studies
0:02:29 > 0:02:31who knows nothing about football
0:02:31 > 0:02:33or the height at which it should be discussed.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Well, I don't feel very safe up here, you know?
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Touch of the old vertigo, and I'm too old for punditry at this height.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44There's no desk, and I feel very exposed.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46We're professionals, Ron. I think we can rise above it.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Quite literally.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50We can show the world that nothing fazes us,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53and our in-depth analysis of the sport continues unabashed.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57So, they're very small, Ron, aren't they? The Barcelona midfield.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Oh, the Barcelonians.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Best team in the world, isn't it?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Homage to Catalonia, wasn't it?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Iniesta, Xavi and Messi, diminutive, aren't they? Isn't it? Hm?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Effective though, Ron. But they really are so tiny,
0:03:10 > 0:03:11they're almost like dwarves.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Players of restricted height.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16If they didn't have football, there's always panto, eh, Ron?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- HE LAUGHS - Because if you look at them, they really are like dwarfs.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Albeit very nimble ones.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Oh, oh. Small men in the Camp Nou,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Ferraris for goalposts, isn't it? Marvellous.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Rubbish. Just look at them,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31rolling round like pansies every time they're tackled.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Indeed. It's not football as we know it.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Roll on Stoke vs Bolton.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Real football, live this Sunday, here.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38On the telly.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I have received a letter...
0:03:41 > 0:03:44from the Archbishop, John.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Grave news, my lady?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48This is not a matter I could ever discuss with the family,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50and yet it is of a very personal nature.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54You know, you can always trust me, Lady Margaret.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I know, John. You have always been my rock.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I saw the Archbishop last week...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02..and he has written to me...
0:04:02 > 0:04:04commenting...
0:04:04 > 0:04:05on...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07John, I don't know how to say it.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- My lady, I...- Does my bum look big in this dress?
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- My lady, I...- He implies as much in his letter.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16My lady, you must be mistaken.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18The Archbishop would never be so bold
0:04:18 > 0:04:21as to comment on the size of your bum in a letter.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Read it, John.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Read it.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27HE MUTTERS
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"..your bum looked rather big in that dress."
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Well?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I really don't know what to say.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41You are avoiding the issue, John.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Does my bum, or does it not look big in this dress?
0:04:45 > 0:04:49I feel that as a man, I don't think it's my place to comment on the...
0:04:49 > 0:04:50CLATTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Ah! Lucy, does her ladyship's bum look big in that dress?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Oh...
0:04:55 > 0:04:58It's not really my place to say, ma'am...your ladyship.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59THEY MOUTH
0:04:59 > 0:05:02What's going on in here? Give Mother some air.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Can't you see that she's tired?
0:05:03 > 0:05:07And, Mama, what on earth are you doing wearing that dress?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09It makes your bum look enormous.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12EASTENDERS THEME TUNE
0:05:13 > 0:05:14- SHE CRIES - The bastard.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18What's up, love? Man trouble?
0:05:18 > 0:05:19He's left me for a 20-year-old.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I'm only 35 and he's nearly 50.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24He's pathetic.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Women often use that word to describe this situation.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29The old younger-model scenario.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30We have another word for it -
0:05:30 > 0:05:32brilliant!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Oh, no, look...
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Men are attracted to younger women. That's just the way of the world.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Whereas women are happy to put up with an old chicken of a man.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44A dried-up stinking husk of an old rhino lying about the gaff.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45We were going to get married.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Well, it's a good job you found out what a cad he is now.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Look, let me ask you a question. Do you love him?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53It's none of your business.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Sometimes it's better to let it all out, you know?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Talk to a complete stranger.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I tell you what, I'll go and get a couple of bags of crisps,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02we'll have a nice old chat, yeah?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Someone's sitting there, mate.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06MUSIC CHIMES
0:06:07 > 0:06:08HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Go!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Eurozone crisis...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
0:06:15 > 0:06:16- Bad boys.- News economico.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Distastero.- News environmentale. - Distastero.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- News politica.- Distastero.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22- News traffica.- Distastero.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24News celebrititties.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Titties hacking hoorah!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Felihelah-feliheleh sminky-pinky chrisswuddle glenhubble yahwubble
0:06:32 > 0:06:34kendubble Hubble Space Telescope
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Smoking...
0:06:35 > 0:06:38THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Ah, huh-huh-hah-hoh.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48THEY SPEAK IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE
0:06:48 > 0:06:50..Cheesy Peasy app...
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- FOREIGN VOICEOVER: - ..and Cheesy Peas app.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Fruit and game and meet and greet
0:06:54 > 0:06:57and rump and pump and molto, molto fun.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Wow, maximum!
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Ist ein fabulitz and glitz and titz and singing and ringing and fun
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- and Cheesy Peasy, fun fun fun. - Con-con-con-con-con.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- VOICEOVER: - Offer not valid in Wales. App may not work.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13HE TALKS GIBBERISH
0:07:16 > 0:07:20..and at half-time it was Nairobi four, Mombasa one.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21I mean, you know...
0:07:21 > 0:07:23MAKES A TRUMPET SOUND
0:07:23 > 0:07:24You know...
0:07:24 > 0:07:26MAKES A TRUMPET SOUND
0:07:26 > 0:07:27HE TALKS GIBBERISH
0:07:29 > 0:07:31..like that. It was a type of equestrian cement.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I don't know.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34I, I...
0:07:34 > 0:07:35You know.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37HE LAUGHS
0:07:39 > 0:07:43And I rather rashly put my head inside his mouth.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46HE LAUGHS
0:07:47 > 0:07:50TALKS GIBBERISH
0:07:50 > 0:07:52..like that.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56And when I woke
0:07:56 > 0:07:58all I could hear
0:07:58 > 0:08:01was Mahler's Fifth Symphony
0:08:01 > 0:08:03drifting through the trees.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06HE SINGS A TUNE
0:08:06 > 0:08:10And I mean it was utterly...
0:08:10 > 0:08:11utterly...
0:08:11 > 0:08:13utterly...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15utterly...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18..utterly...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20HE MUMBLES
0:08:22 > 0:08:25She looked at me and she said...
0:08:25 > 0:08:27HE TALKS NONSENSE
0:08:27 > 0:08:29HE LAUGHS
0:08:29 > 0:08:31..and I looked at her and I said...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33HE MUMBLES
0:08:35 > 0:08:37She looked back at me and she said...
0:08:37 > 0:08:38HE MUMBLES
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Yeah, and I went... And she said...
0:08:41 > 0:08:42- HE MUMBLES - ..like that.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Unfortunately, as soon as she said it
0:08:44 > 0:08:47my nose started to bleed copiously.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49HE MUMBLES
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Blah-blah-blah.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I'm afraid she...
0:08:55 > 0:08:56I was very...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58very drunk.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02She's 20 years old. I mean, what are they going to talk about?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Well, I doubt they'll be doing much talking.- Oh.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06SHE CRIES
0:09:06 > 0:09:09No. Look... Have you considered a make over?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Get your nose lifted or your eyes widened?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15You could get them manga eyes like them Japanese cartoon birds.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Or get your ears pinned back.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Blokes love that, it's like you're paying attention.- I'd never get
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- anything like that done. - I don't see what the stigma is.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26My mum's just been in hospital.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28She's having a new hip fitted, and an elbow.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I said, "Why don't you get yourself a new arse too?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33"Victoria Beckham for looks, or J-Lo for comfort."
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Yeah, a lot of my friends have had botox.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Yeah, my pals off the estate use that for when they're up in court.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's brilliant for keeping a straight face.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44"I put it to you, Mr Johnson, you did club the Somalian."
0:09:44 > 0:09:45"No, your honour."
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Maybe I'll get myself a younger model.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48You know, someone really buff.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Well, let's have a look at you. Right.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Good points - quite tall, you're relatively young.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Bad points - problem skin and you've got weird hair.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00But the most important thing is - you're not fat.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05Fat is not where it's at. Blokes hate fat birds.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Well, I'm quite lucky with my metabolism.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Anything I eat, it goes right through me.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Why do you have to say that?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I've conjured up the image now. Oh.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15No wonder you're on your own.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20Who do you think you are, Uncle Tumbly the tumbling Turk?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- AUDIENCE: - Uncle Tumbly the tumbling Turk.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26You know what I'm talking about even if I don't.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34Hey, guess what right? I've got a boyfriend what I met online.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36He's called Razor.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41And guess what, right? He was born with a full set of teeth.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I mean, how cute is that?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46But like...the irony is now he's just got one.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48There in the middle, a gold one.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51But he can twiddle it both ways.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Which is brilliant.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56But he's actually inside at the moment.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57It was only for something minor.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01I think it was a bit of manslaughter, something like that.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04But he's always, always tweeting me.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07They call him the Birdman of Strangeways.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- VOICEOVER: - Not coming soon to the BBC or any other channel,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16even some of the really crappy cable ones, John Akhtar
0:11:16 > 0:11:19is a tough, uncompromising, bitter, out-of-work actor.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22That's it.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I went up for that. And they gave it to him?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Oh, he's rubbish. He can't act.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Him?! Playing a copper?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Kids TV actor.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Hobbits, Hobbits, Hobbits.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Where are the jobs for a normal-sized man?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43We're very lucky with the weather today.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I'm so glad that the rain has held off.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Yes, and the forecast was pretty gloomy.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Yes, but mind you,
0:11:49 > 0:11:51some heavy dark lowering clouds
0:11:51 > 0:11:54can add drama to a competition.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Ah...yes.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59There's always a danger in these rural paintings of it
0:11:59 > 0:12:01looking a little bit chocolate-boxey.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- Well, um...- Think I need some chiaroscuro in a painting, Katie.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08To bring out the lighter patches I need to offset them
0:12:08 > 0:12:10with something darker.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I think I should get out the...
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Burnt umber.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17No, no. Not brown, it's too muddy.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20A...a...a nice deep purple.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21No, something more neutral.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Sable.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- What?- Sable. A nice sable.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27No, no, no, no.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Noir.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- No, it's not the word I'm looking for.- Onyx?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- It's on the tip of my tongue.- Um, um, um...
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Sooty.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Um, oily.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Inky.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37- Jet.- No!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- Um...coal!- No, Katie!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41African-American.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44No, Katie you're confusing me. I know exactly the colour I want.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46SHE SWITCHES RADIO ON, MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:46 > 0:12:47And it is...
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- What's that? - I brought a little music, Johnny.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Oh. Well, if you think so, Katie.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I am somewhat changed in mood but...
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I do like a nice tune, and...
0:12:58 > 0:13:00you know what? I've completely forgotten
0:13:00 > 0:13:02what it is we were talking about.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Ah, really? Well, never mind.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06You listen to the music while you paint,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09and let's not say another word, eh?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11RADIO VOICEOVER
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I recognise that voice. Who is that disc jockey?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I think it's Tony Blackburn.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Tony...Blackburn.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Tony Blackburn.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Blackburn.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Blackburn.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30- SHOUTS: - Blackburn.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Blackburn!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Blackburn!
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Black, black, black.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Burn, burn, burn!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Black, black, black, black!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Like in the mouth.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Black!
0:13:45 > 0:13:50Like inky the octopus that come lolloping along.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Mr Pinky hits his hammer.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Hit, hit, hit!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Yes, hello, is Mr Richardson there, please?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57This is Tony Kennett from the bank.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Hit, hit, hit!
0:13:58 > 0:14:01How far in the trunk, Mummy?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03How far in the trunk?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Glenda knows. Glenda knows.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Now, Johnny.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Equestrian cement.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Equestrian cement.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Underarm.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- Johnny! I think it's time we went home. Come on.- Great...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22big face.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Yes, Johny. Come on.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28You're in my telescope.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Equestrian cement?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36How queer.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I just tweeted my boyfriend, Razor.
0:14:40 > 0:14:45I've put, "My darling Razor, I love you. Have you had your tea?"
0:14:45 > 0:14:49I absolutely cannot wait for him to come out.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53He's only got 19 years, six months and three days left to do.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57And he says he's definitely going to finish with his wife
0:14:57 > 0:14:59when he gets out.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I sent him a little picture of me.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06I say me - it wasn't really me, it was Cheryl Cole.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10But Razor, for a man, he's right into his fashion,
0:15:10 > 0:15:11always saying to me,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14"What are you wearing?" You know, stuff like that.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16TWEET
0:15:16 > 0:15:18He just tweeted me back.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20"My darling Janine...
0:15:20 > 0:15:21"I love you.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26"Yes, I have just had my tea.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30"Your shit would taste better."
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Ah.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34And then he's put, "I have just tweeted a guard."
0:15:35 > 0:15:38See, that's Razor all over. Do you know what I mean?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40He gets on with everyone.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Oh, no - hang on...
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Oh, "I just twatted a guard."
0:15:45 > 0:15:48# The last that ever she saw him
0:15:48 > 0:15:52# Carried away by a moonlight shadow
0:15:52 > 0:15:55# He passed on worried and warning... #
0:15:56 > 0:16:00As I walk down the country lane I hear the sound of Mother Nature
0:16:00 > 0:16:01all around me.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04What's that I hear? A babbling brook.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Is there a more beautiful sound in all of Christendom?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I don't think so.
0:16:09 > 0:16:15Not long ago our rivers were full of pike, salmon, trout,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18even the odd porpoise that lost his way.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22But due to horrific overfishing on the high seas,
0:16:22 > 0:16:26and the Albanians eating all our carp, there are very few fish left.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31So, if you are thinking of having one of our scaly friends,
0:16:31 > 0:16:36please make sure it comes from one of the of sustainable species
0:16:36 > 0:16:40like pollock, or dab, or one of the other shit ones.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43And let's face it, there's no greater sight
0:16:43 > 0:16:47than a piece of firm, wet cod fried in batter.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52Little puffs of steam rising up as you separate the firm, moist fish.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Few chips on the side, salt, vinegar, maybe a pickled onion
0:16:56 > 0:16:58and a bottle of pale ale..
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Wallop! We are in fishy heaven.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Ha-hoo!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Pull! Psh!
0:17:06 > 0:17:07See you later.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11# The last that ever she saw him
0:17:11 > 0:17:14# Carried away by a moonlight shadow
0:17:14 > 0:17:18# He passed on worried and warning
0:17:18 > 0:17:22# Carried away by a moonlight shadow.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24# Lost in a riddle that Saturday night... #
0:17:24 > 0:17:26BOB CLEARS THROAT
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Right, you want to take the first "arse",
0:17:28 > 0:17:30And then the second on the ar-arse.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32So that's the first...
0:17:32 > 0:17:33- HE COUGHS - Ar!
0:17:33 > 0:17:34..and the second on the...
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- HE COUGHS - Ar-ar-ar.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Remember the old Two Ronnies?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Old Ronnie Corbett.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- "And the producer said to me..." - "Ar..."
0:17:47 > 0:17:48That's nice, isn't it, Jed?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50That's lovely, isn't it, Bob?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Yeah, that's beautiful.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Are you ready to order?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- I think so, yeah.- Ar-ar. - I'll have the...
0:17:56 > 0:17:57HE COUGHS
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Can we have a look at the "arse!" list, please?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- I'll just give you five more minutes.- Aaarse.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11HE SWALLOWS That's got it.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Didn't happen to see that old Michael Caine film
0:18:13 > 0:18:15they had on TV last night did you, Jed?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18What was that then, Bobby? Arse! Dress! Lips, dress, arse!
0:18:18 > 0:18:19No, it was Alfie.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20- Arsey?- That's it, yeah.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23A lot of people say I do a very good impression of him.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Oh, yeah? Go on, then. Go on, then. - All right.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Arse, arse, arse, arse, arse!
0:18:28 > 0:18:29HE YELPS
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- GROWLS: - Arse, arse, arse, arrr-se.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34That's not bad, Jed.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37That's not bad, but I think you'll find these days his voice
0:18:37 > 0:18:39has got a whole lot deeper. It's gone down here a bit.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Down there a bit. It's more like...
0:18:41 > 0:18:42"She was..."
0:18:42 > 0:18:44HE COUGHS Excuse me.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45"She was...
0:18:45 > 0:18:46HE COUGHS
0:18:50 > 0:18:53"You were only supposed to blow the bleeding ARSE..."
0:18:53 > 0:18:54HE YELPS
0:18:54 > 0:18:55That's pretty good that one, Jed.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I reckon that should win you the old "coughter"...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01I should give you a...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03HE COUGHS ..coughter.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Coughter.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Coughter doner shish kebab Bafta!
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Are you ready to order now?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Yes, I think so. I...
0:19:11 > 0:19:13HE COUGHS I'd like to start with the...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15HE COUGHS
0:19:16 > 0:19:17..followed by the...
0:19:17 > 0:19:18BOB COUGHS
0:19:18 > 0:19:19JED YELPS
0:19:19 > 0:19:21..with a froth of...
0:19:21 > 0:19:22HE COUGHS
0:19:25 > 0:19:26HE YELPS
0:19:26 > 0:19:29..and for dessert I'll have the coffee cake, please.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- And for you, sir? - I'll just have the...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- HE BARKS - ..arse-sparagus.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47HE LAUGHS
0:19:47 > 0:19:48VOICE SPEAKS ON TELEVISION
0:19:48 > 0:19:50You call that a Jamaican accent?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Costume dramas. I can do costume dramas.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Oh, not him from The Office again.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59She's a nice girl.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Pff, could have fucked her.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I did fuck her.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I could play a pirate better than him.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09APPLAUSE
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Hello, and welcome to Jazz Club.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Mm.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Nice.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25Now, those unfamiliar with jazz are often critical of the path we follow
0:20:25 > 0:20:28implying that jazz is anachronistic, inward looking,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30self-indulgent and irrelevant.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Arseholes.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36They say that jazz doesn't respond creatively to current
0:20:36 > 0:20:38socio-political events.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Here to challenge that notion is an outfit, combo
0:20:40 > 0:20:44or indeed line-up that contains the cream of European jazz.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Clam on base, Pedro Molesso on trumpet,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Salvatore Strombelli on piano,
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Sven Goran Olafsen on congos.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Pierre du Bois on guitar,
0:20:54 > 0:20:59and the Right Honourable Sir Leonard Chichester Plumpton Smith on drums.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02A huge diversion from their first album, Stop Your Tickling Jock.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04This piece is from their album
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Arab Spring, European Summer, Japanese Nuclear Winter.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09They're called Quantitative Easing,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and they've got their fingers on the political pulse.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Radical.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30CHAOTIC MUSIC
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Oh-ho!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- Oh-ho!- Oh!
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Oo-oh!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Bit of Michael McIntyre there, Doreen.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Oh, I love Michael McIntyre.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I love all comedy, Doreen.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52As you know, I am something of an aficionado.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"I'm a aficionado.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55"I'm a aficionado."
0:21:57 > 0:21:59SHE LAUGHS: I love comedy too, Colin.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Oh, "I'm the only gay in the village."
0:22:02 > 0:22:04"I'm the only gay in the village."
0:22:04 > 0:22:06No, no. Can I just stop you there, Doreen.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08A - women just aren't funny...
0:22:09 > 0:22:12B - Little Britain was years ago, and
0:22:12 > 0:22:16C - never ever ruin a classic comedy
0:22:16 > 0:22:19by doing endless impersonations of it around the office.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Yeah, sorry, Colin.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25You know, Doreen. I'm s-s-sorry, Doreen.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26I'm thorry.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I'm th...thorry.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I'm s-s-sorry. I'm th...th...
0:22:31 > 0:22:33HE MUMBLES WITH LISP
0:22:33 > 0:22:34You know, Doreen, sometimes
0:22:34 > 0:22:36sorry seems to be the hardest word.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38THEY LAUGH
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Oh, I don't know how you come up with all this stuff.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Well, you know, Doreen.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43When you've watched as much comedy as I have
0:22:43 > 0:22:46some of it's bound to rub off on you.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Oh, what's that?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Ugh. I'm sorry, Doreen. I have some comedy on my arm.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Oh!
0:22:53 > 0:22:54THEY LAUGH
0:22:54 > 0:22:56So, who's your favourite then, Colin?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Oh, no contest, Doreen. No, no.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01The don, the godfather, the bishop, the burgermeister,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04the veritable king of comedy is...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06DOES DRUM ROLL
0:23:09 > 0:23:11..Sir Ricky of Gervais.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Take a bow, Sir Ricky.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17"Are you having a laugh?. Are you having a laugh?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19"Are you having a laugh?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21"Mind the bus. Yeah?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- "I'm also a friend."- Yeah.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Mm? Yeah, yeah?
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Comic Relief?
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Be nice to people, look after them even if they're dwarves or cripples.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Oh, not allowed to say that, are we?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Call them disabled now, don't we?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Yeah. Here, have a little look. Here, watch this.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Yeah, you'll recognise this.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40HE HUMS
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Oh, not again, Colin.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58HE CONTINUES HUMMING
0:24:05 > 0:24:08"Don't mention the war, Sybil!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12"Play it cool, Trig."
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- Ouch!- Oh, you're very funny, Colin.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- VOICEOVER: - John Akhtar plays a tough... - It's me!
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Mum!
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Mum!
0:24:22 > 0:24:27We took a Petri dish and introduced the solution of sulphuric acid
0:24:27 > 0:24:29with which we mixed some belladonna.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32To this we added 10 cubic centimetres
0:24:32 > 0:24:35of ethyl bromoacetate or tear gas...
0:24:35 > 0:24:37HE LAUGHS
0:24:37 > 0:24:40..and a further 10ml of chlorine.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45We then froze the compound to absolute zero and then heated
0:24:45 > 0:24:50it to 8,000 degrees Celsius and transformed it into a gas,
0:24:50 > 0:24:54which we fired through a carbon wall at Mach 14,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57directly into a Nazi stormtrooper's helmet.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01We encased the resulting concrete, coated it in marzipan
0:25:01 > 0:25:04and finally, when Heston approved it,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06we put it on the menu.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Didn't we, Dave?
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Don't worry, Mama,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I will not break up the estate.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17This house is in my blood and in my bones.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21However, I will honour all agreements.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I do not intend to fight the entail.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Now...
0:25:24 > 0:25:28it's complicated but there is a way forward.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Lady Mary must marry the duke.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34It is then only a matter of...
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Oh.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38I'm sorry, I've just come.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41As I was saying...
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Were Lady Mary to marry the duke, then...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Oh.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I'm sorry, I've just come again.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53CLEARS THROAT
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Lady Mary... Oh.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Oh.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00The thing is, love, birds like you are bombarded wherever you go
0:26:00 > 0:26:02with images of beautiful young girls.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05And you think, "I can't possibly live up to that.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07"I'm going to have a bit of cake."
0:26:07 > 0:26:10What you don't realise is, us blokes,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13we're bombarded with the same images of beautiful young girls
0:26:13 > 0:26:17on the telly, magazines, tube trains, everywhere.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19And we can't sleep with them.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21So we have a bit of cake, too.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23There's no winners.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Except Mr Kipling.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Ciao, Edoardo, come stai?
0:26:41 > 0:26:45HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I wouldn't really know about that, sir.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I'm sorry, Ted.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11I was using you as something of a guinea pig to try out my Italian on.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Do you like Italian, Ted?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I quite like a Domino's American hot, sir.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I'm more of a four seasons man myself.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Quattro stagioni.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26It really is the most expressive language, Ted.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying my evening classes.
0:27:29 > 0:27:35It's a language of song, and opera, of love, death, intrigue,
0:27:35 > 0:27:36sexual passion.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42We've a b-bad case of nematode w-worms in the sheep, sir.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Nematode worms. Yes, yes.
0:27:46 > 0:27:51Ted...um, I happen to have a couple of tickets for...
0:27:51 > 0:27:53La Boheme at the Royal Opera House. Do you...?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Do you like La Boheme, Ted?
0:27:58 > 0:28:02I wouldn't really know about that, sir.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Your tiny hand is frozen.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Sorry, sir.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06No, it's a...
0:28:06 > 0:28:09It's from La Boheme, Ted. Really is the most beautiful aria.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Never mind, Ted.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13But, you know that...
0:28:13 > 0:28:16there is something I feel I can...
0:28:16 > 0:28:20say more easily to you now in Italian than I ever could in English.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24- Ted, I...- Right, sir...
0:28:24 > 0:28:27I'm going to flipping well do it. It's been too long, Ted.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Too bloody right.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43That field's been a problem for far too long.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46HE SHOUTS IN ITALIAN
0:28:49 > 0:28:51E un uomo.