0:00:41 > 0:00:45They don't look much like robins to me.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Ohhhhh!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Oh. They're nice.
0:01:09 > 0:01:15- D'you like them?- Yes. Little Christmas vultures.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- Did you get cold out?- Yes.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22- Good.- They're good. Newspaper paper-chains.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Yes, readable decorations.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- For the pigs, too. And the chickens. - You saw them?
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Honestly! Paper-chains in a pig-sty!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36It's their Christmas as much as ours.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41Except for tomorrow's dinner. Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- We can't afford holly.- I know.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Da-ra!
0:01:53 > 0:01:58- Where did you get that? - The golf course.- Tom!- I'm a member.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- You've lapsed.- They wouldn't mind.
0:02:01 > 0:02:07- You're sure?- Everybody's up there with shears in their golf bags.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- Thief!- I got this too.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Wouldn't be Christmas without mistletoe.
0:02:17 > 0:02:23- Stolen mistletoe. I've got a tree too.- A stolen tree?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- No!- Well, where did you get it?
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- I found it.- Where? - The greengrocer's.
0:02:29 > 0:02:35If they prosecute, Tom, don't call me as a character witness.
0:02:35 > 0:02:40Have a look at it. I'll just go and lug it in.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46GRUNTS AND GROANS
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Ah!
0:02:50 > 0:02:56- The top snapped off. They didn't want it. - You toad!
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- There you are. - A bonsai Christmas tree.
0:03:00 > 0:03:06- Yes. It would do as a centre-piece. - I've already made one.- Where?
0:03:08 > 0:03:13- Smashing. What is it? - A yule log.- Y-e-s. Very nice.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15That's only the base.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28- Another vulture. - What is it?- It's a big robin!
0:03:28 > 0:03:34Yes. The head went wrong, so I incorporated it into the body...
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I see. Very nice. Very nice indeed.
0:03:38 > 0:03:45- That'd make mincemeat of any vulture.- Right! Your ear is coming off!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Get off!
0:03:52 > 0:03:58Good morning, Barbara. Good morning, Tom. It's me, Margo.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01'Morning, Margo. Yes, it IS you.
0:04:01 > 0:04:07- I don't have time for jokes. I have a crisis.- What is it?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- I want a witness.- Is it serious?
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Of course it is. It's tradesmen.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- Truce?- Truce.
0:04:22 > 0:04:28# I'm dreaming of a white Christmas... #
0:04:28 > 0:04:32HUMS TO HIMSELF
0:04:35 > 0:04:40Now, Tom and Barbara, would you measure this tree, please?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Yes. All right.
0:04:45 > 0:04:51- Merry Christmas.- Merry Christmas. - Just tell me what that measures.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I make it 8 foot 5.3/4".
0:04:54 > 0:05:01- That's 8 foot 5.3/4", all right. - Exactly. There you are, you see, Tom and Barbara.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Yes.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Absolutely.
0:05:07 > 0:05:13- Should we deduce something from this, Margo? - Sorry. I should've told you.
0:05:13 > 0:05:22- I ordered a 9 foot Christmas tree. - And they sent an 8 foot 5.3/4" one. - Yes.- Not your day, mate.
0:05:22 > 0:05:29- What have you got to say for yourself? - I like this wallpaper.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34- What?- My sister's got something like it in her 'dinnette'.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39I'm not interested in your sister's DINETTE.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42My Christmas tree is 6.1/4" short.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Does it matter? Ours is 8 feet short.
0:05:47 > 0:05:54Of course it matters. That 6.1/4" is a measure of how much standards have fallen.
0:05:54 > 0:06:00- A 9 foot tree is what I ordered. - And that's not 9 foot.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02No, it's not. Not by a long chalk.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Excuse me, can I ask you... do you cut the hair in your ears?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10No, I was born like it.
0:06:10 > 0:06:17I noticed how short they are. I notice a lot of things. It's a sort of hobby of mine.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- In the Observer Corps, eh?- RAF.
0:06:20 > 0:06:26- So was I. Know RAF Lyneham? - I was stationed there!- No!
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Er...Margo wants to concentrate on her tree.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Thank you, Barbara. What about it?
0:06:34 > 0:06:40Well, with the high dudgeon you're in I'd better take it back.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Yes, you had.- Very well.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I've observed your shoes. Very nice.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Shall I bring the rest of the stuff in now?
0:06:50 > 0:06:56No. Unless my order is delivered according to my specifications,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I will accept none of it.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- She knows her own mind.- Oh, she does.
0:07:02 > 0:07:09- How many trees did you order? - Only one. The rest of the order is food, drink, etc.
0:07:09 > 0:07:15- Your Christmas comes in a van. - It's supposed to, Tom.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20- Come along.- Very well. - Have you observed anything about me?
0:07:20 > 0:07:26Yes, I have. Your eyes. They're the kind of eyes a man could kill for.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31They're of a deeply sexual nature. Merry Christmas.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Oh, look, an alabaster figurine.
0:07:36 > 0:07:43- What a very nice, observant, intelligent man. - Kill? For you?
0:07:44 > 0:07:50I asked what you were doing in that van! What is she doing?
0:07:50 > 0:07:57- She's sending your Christmas back. It's not up to specifications. - Don't mention Christmas.- Come on.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Sit down there. Gin and tonic, Tom.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Shoes off...there you are.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Thank you very much, Barbara.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13- You understand.- Of course I do. Merry Christmas.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I know. I sound like Scrooge.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21The Headmaster's said, "Have a nice holiday, boys!"
0:08:21 > 0:08:27You can abuse your digestive system for 5 days. What more do you want?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- Peace and quiet.- Get it from Harrods.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35It's going to be one paralysing round of socialising.
0:08:35 > 0:08:41- Music Society and Pony Club on Christmas Day! - A mounted sing-song?
0:08:41 > 0:08:49- Boxing Day it's the Rotary Club do. - All spinning around.- Next day it's the Blairs at Cheltenham.
0:08:49 > 0:08:56Same crowd standing about in different rooms boring each other to death.
0:08:56 > 0:09:04Just as well I did check that order. Does it look as though I drink milk stout? Hello, Jerry.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Margo.
0:09:05 > 0:09:12- Now, did you send the flowers to Aunt Clare, whose present we forgot?- Yes.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17- Did you check the M4 for Cheltenham?- Yes.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22- Did you tell Maria we'd have a spare goose on Boxing Day?- Yes!
0:09:22 > 0:09:28Hard to believe one could inject so much bile into one word!
0:09:28 > 0:09:33Well, I'm fed up with all these blasted arrangements.
0:09:33 > 0:09:39- I'm going to have a bath. - Well, thank YOU, Jerry.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43I'm left to make all the arrangements!
0:09:43 > 0:09:47- Come on, Boss-eyes. - Right, Bald-ears.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Barbara, are you in the kitchen?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08No, I'm just going upstairs.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Gotcha!- Aaagh! Don't do that!
0:10:23 > 0:10:30- That's my present! Give it to me now!- It's not yours. - Let me look then.- It's a surprise.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35- Oh, it IS my present. - No, leave it! Don't! Leave it!
0:10:37 > 0:10:44- It's some crackers I made for tomorrow.- Oh! You should have kept it as a surprise.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49- What do you think I was trying to do?- Sorry.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- There we are. - Oh. They're not small.
0:10:53 > 0:11:00- Because the tubes in the middle are the tubes from toilet rolls. - Clever!
0:11:00 > 0:11:05- And the colour supplement's nice. - What's in them?- Don't!
0:11:05 > 0:11:12- That's the Faberge egg. - Home-made, of course? - Of course.- Paper hats?- Yes.
0:11:12 > 0:11:18- Mottoes and riddles?- Yes.- Clean? - Fairly. There's one snag.
0:11:18 > 0:11:23- What's that?- They don't bang. - We can shout "bang", can't we?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Yes, good idea. "Bang". Yes.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- Like a drop of cowslip?- Mmm.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Are you writing to Father Christmas?
0:11:35 > 0:11:42- Just totting up what Christmas has cost us. - Yes, it's got very commercial.- Yes.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47Let me sit down first. Now then... What's the total?
0:11:47 > 0:11:4915p.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- What was that for?- The balloons.
0:11:53 > 0:12:00- Oh, yes, they are a necessity. I wonder what Jerry and Margo's cost?- A lot, judging by that van.
0:12:00 > 0:12:08- Then there's the cost of reinforcing their table. - And a few dresses for Margo.
0:12:08 > 0:12:15- The LSO for the choir. - Tranquillisers for Jerry.- He should be master in his own house.
0:12:15 > 0:12:23- You're not. - I was talking about Jerry. - I see. Well, it would be £50,000?
0:12:23 > 0:12:29- We can have Christmas for 15p. - Just as good.- Of course!
0:12:29 > 0:12:36Except we've no turkey or Christmas pudding, or whisky, or a firkin of ale...
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- or cigars, or...- Oh, shut up.
0:12:39 > 0:12:46- I mean, a spare goose! Margo has a spare goose! - Are you envious, Tiny Tim?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50No, not really. They might have a spare goose,
0:12:50 > 0:12:54but they've also got Mrs Dooms-Patterson coming.
0:12:54 > 0:13:01- Well... The sooner you get to bed, the sooner Santa will come.- Right-o.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- The cotton-wool beard is in the bottom drawer. - You know it's me?
0:13:07 > 0:13:12Remembering last Christmas Eve, it had better be.
0:13:21 > 0:13:29And seasonal greetings to you, Stephen. May I speak with Maria? ..Yes, I'll hold.
0:13:29 > 0:13:37- 'Morning, darling. Happy Christmas.- Happy Christmas, - How many more people are you phoning?
0:13:37 > 0:13:43- Last one. Then our social boats are burned.- What d'you mean?
0:13:43 > 0:13:51Just a moment. Hello, Maria! Yes, and Yuletide felicitations to you.
0:13:51 > 0:13:56I'll be as brief as possible. Jerry has chicken-pox.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04Yes, he's covered in them. So I'm afraid, dear...
0:14:04 > 0:14:11the Leadbetters are totally out of circulation this Christmas. ..Yes.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14All right, Jerry, I'm coming!
0:14:14 > 0:14:21That was Jerry calling from his sick bed. Yes, I will. Yes. Goodbye.
0:14:22 > 0:14:29- I gather my chicken-pox is political, but why? - It's simple. Christmas is cancelled.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- Why?- They won't deliver it.
0:14:32 > 0:14:41- What?- I telephoned this morning about our order, and was told they don't deliver on Christmas Day.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- I spoke to the highest authority there.- Who?
0:14:46 > 0:14:53Fred. An incompetent loon who styles himself Assistant Caretaker.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58- But surely you checked that they'd re-deliver?- No.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02I assumed that customer satisfaction
0:15:02 > 0:15:06was a principle that still prevailed.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11But why chicken-pox? We could visit other people.
0:15:11 > 0:15:17If we can't have people here, I'm not going begging to them.
0:15:17 > 0:15:23- I like the idea of a quiet Christmas.- What with?- Each other.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28- I meant with what?- Each other. - I meant eating and drinking what.
0:15:28 > 0:15:35I see what you mean. It's rather like having all one's eggs in one basket.
0:15:35 > 0:15:42- No decorations. - That gin will never last. - I feel wretched.- Me, too.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- #- We two Kings of Orient are
0:15:46 > 0:15:53- #- Da-de-da-de-da-de-da... - Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la.- # - Merry Christmas.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- Give's a tenner or we'll sing again. - Good morning.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02- Where are the mince pies, then? - We haven't any.- A turkey?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- No turkey either.- What's happened?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Christmas has not been delivered.
0:16:09 > 0:16:14- Oh, Margo.- Don't be affectionate, Barbara, or I shall cry.
0:16:14 > 0:16:20Drivers stop off and drink beer and things. They'll be along.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23They're not working today.
0:16:23 > 0:16:29- Well, that doesn't matter. Come to us!- We can't. We haven't been invited.
0:16:29 > 0:16:35- Margo and Jerry, I hereby invite you. - Not the Music Society or Pony Club.
0:16:35 > 0:16:42- That's been taken care of. I've got political chicken-pox. - Come on, then.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- That's very generous. - Eh, Margo? Eh?
0:16:46 > 0:16:54- We haven't anything to bring. - Bring yourselves. Come on. I need help to peel the potatoes.
0:16:54 > 0:17:00- Come on, Margo. - I've got half a bottle of whisky. - No, this party's on us.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02What else have you got?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Aaaahhh!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16May I add something to that?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- What?- Aaaahhh!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Says it all, really, doesn't it?
0:17:23 > 0:17:28- Your food really does taste like food.- Yes, it does, rather.
0:17:28 > 0:17:34Did I tell you about last Christmas and Mrs Dooms-Patterson's corset?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- No.- No, perhaps I'd better not.
0:17:37 > 0:17:43I don't really want to think about her, or the rest of them.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- Can't have been a pretty sight.- No.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Can't tell you what a relief all this is.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Spirit of Christmas. Goodwill to all men, especially me.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58- Do you mind if I take my shoes off? - Take your feet off.
0:17:59 > 0:18:04- We've done the washing-up. - We were just coming to help.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- It's your turn this evening.- Oh.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10You know, Barbara... Shoes, please, Jerry.
0:18:10 > 0:18:16You'd save yourself trouble if you bought a dishwasher.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- I'm sorry.- Have a sprawl, Margo.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24That's the idea.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- On with the festivities. - Maria had a conjurer last year.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Oh, did he taste nice?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- Crackers?- Crackers!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Crackers!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Da-ra!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44None of your shop-bought rubbish.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49There's a trick to these. They do not go bang. So...
0:18:49 > 0:18:51And "bang".
0:18:51 > 0:18:57- You're crackers.- Come on, Jerry. One, two, three...- "Bang".
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Come on, Margo. One, two, three... "Bang".
0:19:01 > 0:19:06- Come on, Margo. One, two, three...- "Crack".
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Not "bang"?
0:19:09 > 0:19:15I see "crack" as a more pertinent word. It is the stem of cracker.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17You can't argue with that.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Right, what have we all got?
0:19:20 > 0:19:25- The inside of a roll of lavatory paper.- Inside that!
0:19:25 > 0:19:30- Oh, yes. - Well? Wellington or Nelson?
0:19:30 > 0:19:36 All the nice girls love a sailor. You'd better be Nelson.
0:19:36 > 0:19:41- Mind you, there's something about a soldier.- Read your motto.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51You said they were clean.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56- Fairly clean. Hat on, Margo. - This is the Daily Mirror.
0:19:57 > 0:20:03I am terribly sorry, Margo. Please have The Telegraph.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Now, then. My motto...
0:20:08 > 0:20:14"The Ooh-Aah Bird is so-called because it lays square eggs."
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I don't understand that.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Good. What about some games?
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- Oh, yes.- Rather!- What about Bridge?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Or a chess tournament?- Yes.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41- Margo, I'm talking about games! Larking about!- Canasta?
0:20:41 > 0:20:45What's that one called? Murders!
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Oh, yes. That gets quite scary. Well, it frightens Tom, anyway.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Or blindfold jelly-feeding.
0:20:53 > 0:20:59- They're rather childish.- Yes! - We should do something adult.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Jerry!
0:21:01 > 0:21:08- I know. Sardines! - Yes, Margo. A lot of squeezing in cupboards.
0:21:08 > 0:21:14- I don't like that. - Strip mah-jong?- You're being silly.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15True.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- We WANT to be silly.- Why? - It's Christmas.
0:21:19 > 0:21:27- I don't see that the two go together.- They do in this house! - There's no need to snap.
0:21:27 > 0:21:34- Sorry.- Let's have another bottle of Pea-pod Burgundy. Will somebody smother the blast?
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- GIGGLING - Er...
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Thank you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Any bottle is it, Tom?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Tom?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Tom?
0:22:00 > 0:22:06Now listen, you... We both want you to have a good time.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08We may be silly and infantile.
0:22:08 > 0:22:14It may not be what you're used to, but that's the way we do it here.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Either you join in, or go home.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21I don't want to go home.
0:22:21 > 0:22:28- Well, then? - I WANT to join in, Tom. I don't know how to.
0:22:28 > 0:22:34- It's quite simple. Pretend you're stupid, like me.- I could try.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39- Just try, that's all I'm asking. - I WILL try. I promise.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Please will you let me go now?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Thank you.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Tiddly-winks, anybody?
0:23:09 > 0:23:15LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE
0:23:21 > 0:23:26- The winners! - And world champions!- Sorry, partner.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- It was just luck.- It was NOT!
0:23:31 > 0:23:38- You rotten cheat! - I demand a play-off! - I vote we have a bit of a breather.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Too bad. I'm running into form.
0:23:41 > 0:23:46We're well ahead, Margo. We won the orange under the chin...
0:23:46 > 0:23:52We won that! Your orange went down Margo's dress - out of bounds.
0:23:52 > 0:24:00- And spinning the plate... - We're a stylish team.- Quite. - Oh, we'll see who's best.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05I'm taking off my earrings. Balloons between foreheads.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Off we go.- I'm hungry again.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- Let's make some sandwiches. - Good idea.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- Come on, darling. - Remember the score.
0:24:16 > 0:24:24- What did you do to Margo? - I threatened to kiss her. - No wonder she's joining in.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30- I must say, I can't remember enjoying Christmas more.- I'm glad.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33This is the best Christmas ever. Hic!
0:24:33 > 0:24:40- I hope that's not the Pea-pod Burgundy talking. - No. Christmas doesn't come in a van.
0:24:40 > 0:24:46- You have to make it yourself. - Another form of self-sufficiency.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51It's being with friends - true friends...
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Joining in and...and...
0:24:55 > 0:25:00- And where are our presents? - Tom!- That's why we asked them over.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05Here are yours, anyway. With our love.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10- You shouldn't!- You can't afford it. - Have a look at them first.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Oh.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Oh.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- The loom.- Yes.- Well...
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Tom...Barbara...
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I can safely say...
0:25:27 > 0:25:33that, on the right occasion, these will be the perfect things to wear.
0:25:33 > 0:25:38- What occasion will that be? - Can't think of it at the moment.
0:25:38 > 0:25:46- We'll get you your present now. - It's in the garage.- If it's expensive, I'll be embarrassed.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51- So shall I, but I'll overcome it. - I wonder what it is.
0:25:51 > 0:25:57- Probably something utterly useless for us. - Like a briefcase.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Or a Georgian silver trowel.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03- Aren't we rotten?- Or... - COW MOOS
0:26:04 > 0:26:09- They haven't...! - They have!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Happy Christmas!
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Subtitles by BBC