0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Christmas time is here by golly Disapproval would be folly
0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Deck the halls with hunks of holly
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Fill the cup and don't say when
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens
0:00:11 > 0:00:14# Mix the punch Drag out the Dickens
0:00:14 > 0:00:16# Even though the prospect sickens
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# Brother, here we go again! #
0:00:20 > 0:00:22CHEERING
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Would you Adam and bloody Eve it?
0:00:25 > 0:00:28No, seriously. I mean, really, a joke's a joke.
0:00:28 > 0:00:33And time speeds up and all that, but blimey, how can it be possible?
0:00:33 > 0:00:37How on earth can it be possible that it's come around again?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40And here I am sitting at the bloody head of the bloody table
0:00:40 > 0:00:42with bloody people I don't bloody like,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45eating food that turns my stomach,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47listening to blinking Christmas carols,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49reading out pathetic jokes,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52wearing an utterly ridiculous paper hat
0:00:52 > 0:00:57and, worst of all, having to pretend to be happy about it.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Well, when I was a practising alcoholic,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01it was the best time of the year.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03But when you don't drink, it's just another day.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07I'm a humbug, I'm a Scrooge, I don't like it at all.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09It's just sentimental claptrap.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10I'm sorry, it's awful.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12It's worse than a puppy
0:01:12 > 0:01:14cos you can't put Christmas in a sack and drown it.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16It just goes on and on and on.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I get so grumpy.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I'm in so much pain.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23You don't hear anybody saying, "Oh, I wish it started earlier!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26"I get so miserable round about the middle of August
0:01:26 > 0:01:29"because it's been so long since it was Christmas."
0:01:29 > 0:01:31My, God, it's just obscene, really.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34It just drives me absolutely mad.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Sod off, Christmas.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Impossible though it must be to believe,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48it really is that time of the year again.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Shall I tell you what the worst thing about Christmas is?
0:01:52 > 0:01:53No, really, shall I?
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Well, I will then.
0:01:54 > 0:01:59The worst thing about Christmas is the expectation
0:01:59 > 0:02:02of everyone around you that you are supposed to be jolly.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Jolly?!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Jolly, what sort of word is jolly anyway?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Or maybe even worse than that...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Merry Christmas!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Yes. Blokes like this one.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Merry Christmas!
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Just trying to ingratiate himself by wearing a daft hat once a year
0:02:19 > 0:02:22and telling his customers to "Have a Merry Christmas!"
0:02:22 > 0:02:25And then you've got to repeat it back like a demented parrot.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27"Merry Christmas to you, too!"
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Like you could give a damn.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32What upsets me is I want to be jolly,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35but I don't feel I can be,
0:02:35 > 0:02:37because I'm being told I have to be jolly.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Then that just upsets all the jolliness.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43It makes me grumpy when I want to be happy.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Cos it's bloody Christmas!
0:02:45 > 0:02:51Let's try and whoop the whole general populace into a frenzy of joy(!)
0:02:51 > 0:02:53It's Christmas. Cheer up, it's Christmas.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57No, be really upset and gloomy cos it's bloody Christmas again.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59The way that disc-jockeys have to be
0:02:59 > 0:03:02from about the 26th of November onwards,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05that they have to do all of that stuff.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"It's coming up to Christmas, absolutely fantastic,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09"I've never been so excited.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12"Just three-and-a-half weeks away. Are you doing all your shopping?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14"It's tremendous out there.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16"The lights are flashing on Oxford Street. Ha ha!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18"It's gonna be Christmas!"
0:03:19 > 0:03:23It's just so awful.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I have Tourette's during Christmas.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Really, I walk down the street and scream something out,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29completely left-field and horrible.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I hate it. I hate it.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I can't say how much I hate it.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42None of it would be so bad, if it didn't all go on so long.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44It feels like we've only just got over Easter
0:03:44 > 0:03:47when those little reminders start to appear.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51But what's even more irritating -
0:03:51 > 0:03:53the people that keep telling us that...
0:03:53 > 0:03:57There are 143 days to go to Christmas.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- Great(!)- Wonderful.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Yeah.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Yes, that's right. We're even irritating our stupid selves.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08It's like the gestation period of an elephant.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10It comes and comes and comes.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Have you got this done, have you got your Christmas cards done?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Don't even get me started on Christmas cards.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17It's Christmas creep, is the problem.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Christmas has crept.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24In September, you start being bombarded and pressurised
0:04:24 > 0:04:26and harassed and harangued
0:04:26 > 0:04:28to buy loads of shit you really, really don't need.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Actually, it can stress you out to such a degree
0:04:31 > 0:04:35that by the time it's Christmas Day you are just crying, depressed
0:04:35 > 0:04:37and have the worst day in the world with your family.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40That's why people have such a horrible Christmas Day.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Before you know where you are it's August
0:04:42 > 0:04:47and it's, you know, there are 302 shopping days to Christmas.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49It used to be just advent, didn't it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Used to be an Advent calendar with a chocolate, December 1st.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56That used to be when Christmas kind of got going.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00And now, I think Christmas starts around about July.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Well, I was in Costco in August
0:05:04 > 0:05:07and they had all the Christmas stuff there already.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09It just made my stomach turn over.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Because Christmas, once you get past a certain age
0:05:12 > 0:05:14it's just a reminder you're getting closer to death.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I mean, where do you start?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Where DO you start?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22It doesn't matter.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25You can start anywhere, because it's all beyond irritating.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Can anyone for example tell us the point of the Christmas card,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31other than to give money to talentless art designers
0:05:31 > 0:05:34and unemployable writers of sycophantic verses?
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Oh, really?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39It's a piece of old cardboard with a picture of a robin on it
0:05:39 > 0:05:43wishing people you see every day a merry Christmas.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45You see 'em every day, tell 'em yourself.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Never sent a Christmas card. Never sent one.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50No, I don't do Christmas cards.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I used to be really good, but then when I realised -
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I mean, it's quite mercenary -
0:05:55 > 0:05:58that I was sending far more than I was getting back,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00it starts to grate,
0:06:01 > 0:06:05and you think, "No, you're not... I won't bother with you anymore."
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Probably for the last 30 years I've intended to send Christmas cards,
0:06:09 > 0:06:10not quite got round to it,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13got a load of Christmas cards from other people
0:06:13 > 0:06:14and then felt bad about it.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Oh! No...
0:06:16 > 0:06:17It's so tedious.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21And I think probably what I'll do now is I'll change that,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23so that I still don't send them,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26but I don't bother feeling bad about not sending them.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28What I really hate and can't understand
0:06:28 > 0:06:32is multiple cards between one family and another family.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36So you get, you know, cards to you and your missus
0:06:36 > 0:06:39and then cards from their kids to your kids.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I just think, nah, what's the point?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45When I get cards I think, you sent me a card, straight in the bin.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54The worst is when you get a card from an organisation, like your bank
0:06:54 > 0:06:56that just says, "To customer..."
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Or even not "To customer."
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I got one from my mortgage broker
0:07:01 > 0:07:03that just had the stamp of the company.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07I'm going to invest in a stamp with my name. Boom!
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Give us that one. Boom!
0:07:09 > 0:07:13On the other hand, there is nothing quite so guaranteed
0:07:13 > 0:07:16to lighten the load at Christmas for the grumpy
0:07:16 > 0:07:19than to have a good old laugh at someone else's expense.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Oh, go on, it's Christmas!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Time for goodwill to all men, let's make fun of someone.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Preferably someone close to us
0:07:26 > 0:07:30who's too nice to even suspect what it is we're doing.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34One thing I used to do at Christmas
0:07:34 > 0:07:38was send my parents cards from fictitious people,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41which is a great game to play.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42"From Stan and Edie."
0:07:42 > 0:07:45They'd go, "I don't know who they are, who are they?"
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I'd be like, trying to compose myself.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50"I don't know. Did you meet them on holiday?"
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Or the Christmas card that says
0:07:52 > 0:07:58"From Kate and Steve and Barbara, Jeff, Pat and Marge."
0:07:58 > 0:08:00And you think, "Who the hell are they?!"
0:08:00 > 0:08:04I did have visions of creating a further...
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Like sending a picture of a baby and going, "Look, we've had a baby."
0:08:07 > 0:08:09It could go on and on and on.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15If it's not bad enough that your own year has been awful,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17it's all so much worse
0:08:17 > 0:08:21when you learn that everyone else's has been wonderful.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24So let's get one thing straight.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27We don't want to know how wonderful life is
0:08:27 > 0:08:30for your smug, over-privileged selves
0:08:30 > 0:08:33or your precocious kids or your irritating pets.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Get it?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41You never seem to see any that say,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43"Yeah, it's been a crap year really.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47"Our eldest son is still in a borstal."
0:08:47 > 0:08:51"Damian's been coming off heroin and his methadone's been going OK."
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"Our youngest girl's off the crack cocaine,
0:08:53 > 0:08:57"but she's not on the game any more, so that's good."
0:08:57 > 0:09:00"And Barry is still on tag."
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"Lawrence has left me
0:09:03 > 0:09:04"for the third time.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07"Yeah, he's got a new..." You never see those.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11They're always about "Oh, we had a wonderful summer.
0:09:11 > 0:09:18"Bill completed the fifth marathon, you know, at high altitude."
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Great(!)
0:09:19 > 0:09:22"Philippa did a walk across the Andes."
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Get over it.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27All the sickening things that these people have done, these families.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29"Ben got straight As."
0:09:29 > 0:09:31You're like, "Oh, right..."
0:09:31 > 0:09:34They're giving the impression of the perfect family
0:09:34 > 0:09:36and you know they've been screaming at each other
0:09:36 > 0:09:39over Sunday lunch for most of the year.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42So sending out cards is a total waste of time,
0:09:42 > 0:09:46but at least it involves choosing a card, writing a message,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49writing your address and going down to the post-box.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52If all you can be bothered to do is to send the same text
0:09:52 > 0:09:54to everyone in your contacts,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57honestly, we'd really rather you didn't bother.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02They've just thought, I'll text everyone cos everyone will think,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06"Oh, isn't that lovely that we've heard from him on Christmas Day."
0:10:06 > 0:10:07It's not lovely, it's vile.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Anyway, I won't get it until Boxing Day cos I've got my phone turned off.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13You don't see them all year, then you start getting texts
0:10:13 > 0:10:15and cards from people you don't really see
0:10:15 > 0:10:18cos you don't want to see them. "Oh, I thought of you."
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Well, stop thinking about me.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I have been sent a few of those email ones,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24but they are quite easy to delete.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26That's the nice thing, they leave no mess.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30I would just like to send a message out to anyone that I know and love
0:10:30 > 0:10:32or know and don't even like.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33I wish you all a merry Christmas.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I won't be texting you back, if that's all right.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40What especially gets up your snitch
0:10:40 > 0:10:45is everyone seems to think Christmas is an opportunity to take advantage.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49To do all the stuff they know they would never get away with the rest of the year.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Like knocking on your door, for example.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54We don't like having people knock on the door at the best of times.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Usually we pretend be out or we tell them to take a hike.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- DOORBELL RINGS - At Christmas it's one after another.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02And have you noticed,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05somehow or other, they've all got their hands out.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09The next thing you know we'll have the postman asking for a tip.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Now they can bog off!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I can always tell when it's gonna be Christmas,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19because the dustbin men start smiling at you. That's first.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21"Hello, Mr Davro, it's nearly Christmas!"
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Which really cheeses me off.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Why should we tip people who get paid to empty the bins
0:11:28 > 0:11:30or to deliver the milk?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Or the little scumbag who delivers the paper?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Eh? Merry Christmas, I picked up that whole...out of your bin bag in June.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Remember that? Fiver, please.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Although I did actually have a paper round when I was a kid,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I did get a Christmas box and people were very generous,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47but I don't care about that because I'm not.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Stop banging on my door. Go away.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55So the collective madness that starts to descend in October
0:11:55 > 0:11:58and runs well into January
0:11:58 > 0:12:00includes eating quantities and varieties of food
0:12:00 > 0:12:03we would never countenance for the rest of the year.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Suddenly, it's like we're expecting Napoleon to drop by for dinner
0:12:07 > 0:12:08during the siege of Moscow.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11And oh, horror of horrors!
0:12:11 > 0:12:15We haven't got enough satsumas to feed his entire bloody army.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Now, food shopping for Christmas.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Nowadays, most shops, and I don't know whether you know this,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25most shops are open most of the time.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I'm only saying that to be helpful.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32The justification is that the shops will be shut for one day,
0:12:32 > 0:12:38so, oh, we'd better get a box of kumquats
0:12:38 > 0:12:42just in case Aunty Mabel,
0:12:42 > 0:12:46who is 93 and never eaten anything more exotic than luncheon meat,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48suddenly goes, "Have you got a kumquat, dear?"
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Every Christmas, you go in and, you know, you just think,
0:12:52 > 0:12:56"Well, it's only a day or two, I can get some more stuff in tomorrow
0:12:56 > 0:12:58"so I'll just take a basket
0:12:58 > 0:13:02"and I'll put enough food in there for a day and a bit."
0:13:02 > 0:13:07And then you are standing behind a whole army of people,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09a phalanx of people,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12with enormous great trolleys full of stuff.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I don't know how to shop for food at Christmas,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21because it doesn't matter what time of day or night you go,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23there's no sprouts, or no this or no that.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26You cannot do your whole shop at once.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30It's 2pm on a Saturday afternoon and Sainsbury's has sold out of sprouts.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31How can that happen?
0:13:31 > 0:13:35It's Christmas. Did you not think to get more sprouts in?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37There's just one manky sprout with a maggot inside it
0:13:37 > 0:13:39and people are killing each other for it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42"That's my sprout, you whore!"
0:13:43 > 0:13:46What is it about the season to be jolly
0:13:46 > 0:13:49that turns an average, normally balanced individual
0:13:49 > 0:13:51into a crazed shopaholic?
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Eh?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56And considering it's supposed to be a time for goodwill to all men,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59you'd think that people might make an effort.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01A bit of elementary courtesy.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"After you" and all that stuff.
0:14:03 > 0:14:09But, no. It's like, "I matter, you don't, get out of my way."
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I hate the fact that when you go shopping at Christmas
0:14:12 > 0:14:15there's all these people who don't normally go shopping
0:14:15 > 0:14:17so don't know how to move around a supermarket.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22It's the kind of shopping equivalent of Sunday drivers.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Why is your trolley in the middle of the aisle
0:14:24 > 0:14:27while you're standing there examining a bit of blue cheese?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Move it over, so all these 30 people
0:14:30 > 0:14:34who are also trying to use the supermarket can get down the aisle.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35I start to hate myself,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37cos I hear myself sound like a harridan
0:14:37 > 0:14:39in the middle of some supermarket
0:14:39 > 0:14:43and it's four days to Christmas and I just want to slap some old lady.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44What was that? Who threw it?
0:14:44 > 0:14:48The thing is I lose my nut around Christmas time
0:14:48 > 0:14:51and if you're ever going to see Huey knock somebody out in a shop,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53it's going to be around Christmas time.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Oh, there's another one.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57When you get to the till and you've got everything up
0:14:57 > 0:14:59and it's all going through and getting packed up,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01get your purse out so you know where it is,
0:15:01 > 0:15:05so I don't have to wait 25 minutes for you to root around in your bag,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07because you can't find your purse.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09And I know...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I know that they know this.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15You get home and think, "I've forgotten the cranberry sauce."
0:15:16 > 0:15:20OK, so we hate the cards, we hate the decorations,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22we hate the shopping, we hate the false jollity
0:15:22 > 0:15:23and we hate the family.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26But what's the common theme that binds all that together?
0:15:26 > 0:15:31What's going on in the background of all that hatred? Can anyone tell us?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Yes, that's right.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38# It's Christma-a-a-a-a-a-a-as! #
0:15:38 > 0:15:42As we go in shops in the beginning of November,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45and hearing "Merry Christmas, everyone!"
0:15:45 > 0:15:47again, every year,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49bang out of order.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52When they start to play Christmas songs too early,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55the people that work in the shops kind of go a bit bovine
0:15:55 > 0:15:57cos they've had to listen to it all day.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59You go into the shop and you hear...
0:15:59 > 0:16:03# It's Christma-a-a-a-a-a-a-as! #
0:16:03 > 0:16:06They've had to listen to it all day till the end of their shift,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08they've got nothing but that to look forward to.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09They just go a bit mad.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11If any managers are watching this
0:16:11 > 0:16:13who make their staff listen to that music,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15please for their sake and for all our sakes,
0:16:15 > 0:16:19don't play that music at Christmas, it doesn't help anything.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20# Christmastime... #
0:16:20 > 0:16:22But the worst, the absolute worst,
0:16:22 > 0:16:26the one thing guaranteed to make us want to kill has got to be this man.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29You'd rather immerse your head
0:16:29 > 0:16:33in a bucket of festive reindeer snot than listen to it.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34But you have to.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Somebody beam me up.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42You're already fairly murderous, aren't you?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44You are in the supermarket, you want to kill people,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46you don't need to hear Cliff Richard.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49In fact you never need to hear Cliff Richard. Let's face it.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Cliff Richard!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Oh my God, no.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55You certainly don't need to hear it
0:16:55 > 0:16:58when you're at the point of murdering someone in the supermarket
0:16:58 > 0:17:00cos it is just going to push you over the edge.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03# With logs on the fire
0:17:03 > 0:17:06# And gifts on the tree.. #
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Give it a rest.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09I know it's an easy target.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12People talk about him as being an easy target.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14It's an easy target because it is a target,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17because it's rotten and it should not be allowed.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Surely there are some artists out there
0:17:20 > 0:17:23who can think up some original Christmas songs. Please.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26How many hours of my life is there that I'm never getting back
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I've had to listen to Cliff Richard singing Mistletoe And Wine?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30I should be able to sue somebody.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35There should be somebody somewhere that I can deliver a writ to,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38to get either money or the time back.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41You know, I'm on dangerous ground here,
0:17:41 > 0:17:45because I did have a big Christmas song out once.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46It wasn't a Christmas song,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49but Bob the Builder was the Christmas number one
0:17:49 > 0:17:50in the year 2000.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53It was a bit of a disco hit as it goes.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I had a Christmas number one, but the only thing was I was in hospital.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59When I did that thing with my daughter, Kelly,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03I nearly killed myself in a quad bike accident at the house.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07I was in a coma for a while, so I missed Christmas.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Thank God! That's a good idea.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12One of these Christmases I'll get on my quad bike and break my neck again.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Have a great Christmas everybody!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16CHEERING
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Isn't it lovely?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24No, really, isn't it heart-warming to see?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27It's the birth of our Lord and it brings out the best in us.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32Goodwill to all men, peace on earth, a spiritual reawakening.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34# Oh, baby... #
0:18:34 > 0:18:37So, the only thing to be said for Christmas for most of us
0:18:37 > 0:18:40is that it's a few days off.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42True, you have to be with the family,
0:18:42 > 0:18:46but at least you don't have to go to work, so as it's Christmas,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49spare a thought for the poor sods who do have to work.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Can you imagine what it must be like to have to entertain this lot?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57It's tired, drunk audiences around Christmas and food fights.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I mean, you know, it's not pretty.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02And you turn up and you're the only one who's sober,
0:19:02 > 0:19:06so you have to watch it and take it in and they never listen.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Christmas is a joyful time of drunken abandon for most people.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12What it means for comedians is dodging Bacardi Breezer bottles.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15"Let's see if I can hit this one in the face."
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Chicken in a basket, listen to the beginning of a joke,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20don't listen to the end of it, can be like that at some comedy clubs.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21People get drunker and more jovial.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Dealing with people, A - being extremely drunk...
0:19:27 > 0:19:30They're eating, they're trying to get off with someone...
0:19:32 > 0:19:36And they're having to put up with you trying to tell them jokes.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38So, quite a lot of the time, they're saying,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41"Do you mind, we're trying to eat here!"
0:19:41 > 0:19:44It's pretty rubbish being a stand-up comic around Christmas
0:19:44 > 0:19:45from that point of view.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48The money is good but it ought to be, because the gigs are crap.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53And then the occasional splatter of vomit on a hard surface.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55RETCHING
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Cor!
0:20:01 > 0:20:06But the thing that makes us sick isn't the excessive alcohol intake.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Oh, no. What really makes us reach for the sick bucket is the fact
0:20:09 > 0:20:11that Christmas seems to be the time of year
0:20:11 > 0:20:15when every halfwit celebrity thinks it's funny
0:20:15 > 0:20:16to make a twit of himself.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19None of our grumpiest would ever do that, would they?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I'm playing Buttons.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I've got my bellboy outfit on and everything,
0:20:25 > 0:20:30which is luminous blue with silver braid
0:20:30 > 0:20:33and it's also made of this nylon material.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I've seen it already, my costume.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40I'm going to be secretly seething inside.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41If you get a bad audience,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44it's one of the worst jobs you can ever do in your entire life.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I'll be like that onstage, but behind going,
0:20:46 > 0:20:51"Listen to those snotty little kids throwing peanuts at me!"
0:20:51 > 0:20:53When the audience are good, you're on fire,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56but when they're not good, you cannot do your dialogue fast enough.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58MUMBLES QUICKLY
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Because what they do, some audiences are really, really thick.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Oh, no, we're not!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07CHILDREN: Oh, yes, you are!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Because you're the baddie, it doesn't matter what you say,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12you've got these great gags, and lines,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15you and Smee messing about and all that,
0:21:15 > 0:21:19all they do is "Booooo! Sssss! Get off! Boo!" Constant.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23It's all you can hear. A mass of hatred.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25BOOING
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Of all the many great mysteries surrounding Christmas,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37this one has got to take the proverbial HobNob.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40It's Jesus's birthday,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44so we're going to go into the high street or into a forest,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47murder an innocent spruce that is far too big for our house,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49jam it in the car, so the needles drop,
0:21:49 > 0:21:51take it home, stick it up in our living room
0:21:51 > 0:21:55and cover it with tasteless rubbish.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58What the hell could possibly be the point of that?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Did Jesus ever even see a spruce?
0:22:01 > 0:22:06Did he ever even contemplate a bauble or a fairy for the top?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08We think not.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09What's the point of a tree?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12What's the point of bringing a tree into your house?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15You never bring a tree into your house under normal circumstances.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Why would you do that?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19The tree, the tree! Oh, the tree.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Never do Christmas trees.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I got married, my wife wants me to do the Christmas tree thing.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25My wife is a lovely lady, I love her more than anything,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27so I do the Christmas tree thing. Not happy about it.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28It's a pain in the arse.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30It's bollocks.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Because usually I will have been quite late in getting the tree,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38so it will be quite a mutant specimen of a tree,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40so thereby you can't win.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42You either get it too early
0:22:42 > 0:22:45and it's dead before you put the decorations on.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47So it's like, sort of, putting...
0:22:47 > 0:22:53It's like doing full royal icing treatment on a digestive biscuit.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I don't like putting crap on the tree,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I don't like doing anything any of that stuff. Don't like it at all.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03You think, does this room really look better now than it did before?
0:23:03 > 0:23:04No.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Look.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10It's not too bad!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12There's still plenty of life there.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17There is some sadistic bastard who designs Christmas tree lights.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21That like, if one blows, you don't... Do you know what I mean?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24You don't know how to mend it.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Is it one of those things where you just have to try every bulb
0:23:27 > 0:23:29when it's on the tree?
0:23:29 > 0:23:30We used to light them on fire,
0:23:30 > 0:23:34bring them through the roofs of the buildings we used to live in,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36light them on fire and throw them in the street.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38That's what they're good for.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Ever seen one of those land on a taxi cab?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43That's fun, that's Christmas.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47By the way, not that it really matters,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49but does anyone remember the actual story?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Anyone know what actually happened? Something about a big star?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Something about a census I seem to recall.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57No room at the inn,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00shepherds washing their socks by night, was it?
0:24:00 > 0:24:05And who on earth was Good King Wenceslas anyway?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08It's a bit unfortunate really with the traditional Christmas
0:24:08 > 0:24:10and those three presents, isn't it?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Gold, frankincense and myrrh.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18I mean, it would have been better if the three wise men
0:24:18 > 0:24:22had come with gold,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25barley wine, soap on a rope, or something like that.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28If someone brings you frankincense, and myrrh,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31that is the stuff you are supposed to give people when they die.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34You know. So what are you showing the kid,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37"I don't know if he's going to make it."
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I think - it's only my view -
0:24:40 > 0:24:44that the Three Wise Men were caught on the hop,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47which is fair enough, it was the first Christmas.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50They hadn't been planning, they hadn't been shopping,
0:24:50 > 0:24:56they hadn't been told 120 shopping days until the birth of Christ.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59If you were Jesus right now,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02you'd be thinking, "Oh! What a waste!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04"Why did I bother?"
0:25:06 > 0:25:09So, with all this unavoidable and unutterable
0:25:09 > 0:25:11festive crapulence back at home,
0:25:11 > 0:25:15you could easily be forgiven for wanting to get away from it all.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Somewhere hot and sunny,
0:25:16 > 0:25:20somewhere where you can leave the lunacy behind. Somewhere sane.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- Merry Christmas!- Merry Christmas!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25But no, forget it, there's no escape.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30Wherever you go, Christmas blooming cheer wants to try and come with you.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Merry Christmas!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Happy Christmas!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Should we go away for Christmas this year?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Great romantic idea about travelling abroad
0:25:38 > 0:25:40and sitting in the sun for Christmas.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44In Mexico no less I went once with a girlfriend.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46And...
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Unmitigated disaster.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I couldn't be anywhere hot for Christmas.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Just the idea appals me.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I mean, it doesn't feel like Christmas anyway.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Where you end up is in some hotel with lots of ex-pat Brits
0:25:58 > 0:26:01all with honkers and bloody hats with tassels on them,
0:26:01 > 0:26:03going, "Merry Christmas."
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Merry Christmas! Yay!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08You might as well be in Oxford Street.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09It was revolting, I hated it.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12People go, "Oh, it's lovely, bit of winter sun, fantastic!"
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Merry Christmas! Tis the season to be jolly.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Just think, too weird. It's weird, it's wrong.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I don't know, why do we want to be warm at Christmas?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23It's supposed to be cold, isn't it?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26People send you pictures of themselves having turkey
0:26:26 > 0:26:29on the beach in Bondi Beach or something like that.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31You know, that looks crap.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33One year, Sharon said, "You know what we can do,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35"We can get Concorde and go to Lapland."
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I said "See you later."
0:26:37 > 0:26:40You know, we spent Christmas Day
0:26:40 > 0:26:45riding across the Sahara on camels,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47which sounds lovely,
0:26:47 > 0:26:54but who knew that the Sahara Desert is freezing cold in December.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56And it was raining.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I was sat on a wet stinking camel.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I don't know if you've ever ridden on a camel before,
0:27:02 > 0:27:07but they make this noise like a giant coffee percolator
0:27:07 > 0:27:10and they foam at the mouth and my one kept turning around,
0:27:10 > 0:27:13going "Bl-bl-bl-bllaaa! Bl-bl-bl-bllaaa!"
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Like it was going to eat me.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer... #
0:27:17 > 0:27:23Or, of course, you could always choose to embrace the real spirit of the festive season
0:27:23 > 0:27:27by going to the traditional home of Christmas, wherever that is.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Somewhere north, isn't it?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33About six years ago, my sister and I went to Sweden for a holiday
0:27:33 > 0:27:37and in one of the restaurants, reindeer was on the menu.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39And we both looked at each other and thought
0:27:39 > 0:27:41"That's not quite right, eating reindeer."
0:27:41 > 0:27:47Then we thought how much do we hate Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer as a song?
0:27:47 > 0:27:52So we took great delight in ordering and eating it, covered in sauce.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Imagining it was Rudolph and it was our revenge on that song.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00In certain Middle European countries,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03I believe they offer Noddy Holder on the menu.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08One of the unvarnished joys of Christmas
0:28:08 > 0:28:11is that it's a time to be with the family,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13but which family?
0:28:13 > 0:28:14His? Hers? The ex's?
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Whichever one you choose, you're guaranteed to upset somebody
0:28:18 > 0:28:21and isn't it fun to spend all that time on the motorway
0:28:21 > 0:28:24with overtired and over-excited kids on the back seat?
0:28:24 > 0:28:26What do we think?
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Should we set off early to avoid the last-minute rush? Ha!
0:28:30 > 0:28:33When I was a lad, we'd go up to Birmingham
0:28:33 > 0:28:35where my mum's side of the family lived.
0:28:35 > 0:28:40But I seem to remember it always started off,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43first of all with this journey that seemed to take so long,
0:28:43 > 0:28:47stuck in so much traffic with so many people on December 23rd.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50And then at the end of the journey,
0:28:50 > 0:28:53there being a period of about an hour and a half
0:28:53 > 0:28:56where we just stood around
0:28:56 > 0:29:01while my dad and various men from the family discussed the route
0:29:01 > 0:29:05that he'd taken to get through Birmingham off the motorway.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09The worst thing about Christmas is the hectic dash
0:29:09 > 0:29:14from one eggy gift-giving event to another.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18And you hurry from one arena of disappointment to a fresh one.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20That's the kind of pressure that's horrible about Christmas.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23One person wanting you and another person wanting you.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Do you know what, neither of you are having me,
0:29:26 > 0:29:30I'm going to sit on the loo with a cooked turkey breast from Tesco
0:29:30 > 0:29:33and drink three bottles of claret and a bottle of Scotch
0:29:33 > 0:29:35with a portable television and you can all bugger off.
0:29:35 > 0:29:40I have this memory of hours going by.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43"What you did is you should have taken the A234 off of Stechford
0:29:43 > 0:29:46"and that way you cut out the bottleneck at Digbeth
0:29:46 > 0:29:48"and you go round the back of Erdington..."
0:29:52 > 0:29:55I have had Christmases where I have had to have
0:29:55 > 0:29:58more than one Christmas dinner on Christmas Day
0:29:58 > 0:30:00for fear of offending people.
0:30:01 > 0:30:06It's just been easier that way to eat two full Christmas dinners.
0:30:06 > 0:30:07I can't do these people that drive,
0:30:07 > 0:30:10do three different drives to keep everyone happy.
0:30:10 > 0:30:11Once you pop a sprog out you can do anything.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14"I'm sorry, I've got kids. We just can't travel, I've got a baby
0:30:14 > 0:30:18"and no-one in the history of Earth has ever had a baby before.
0:30:18 > 0:30:19"If I leave the house,
0:30:19 > 0:30:22"we will all achieve gaseous form and die instantly".
0:30:22 > 0:30:25"Everyone has to come to us now, because I'm lactating".
0:30:25 > 0:30:29My dad going, "You see, the mistake I made was that at Sutton Coldfield I went..."
0:30:29 > 0:30:31"Oh, right, well, that's what you did. In future, go..."
0:30:31 > 0:30:34And this was Christmas to me.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36I'm sure I've remembered it wrong,
0:30:36 > 0:30:39but I seem to remember that going through most of Christmas
0:30:39 > 0:30:41and then we left.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43As for Christmas morning, it's brilliant. The roads are empty.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46There's just a few malicious police going,
0:30:46 > 0:30:48"Everyone's over the limit. Who shall we pick, PC Gary?"
0:30:48 > 0:30:51"I don't know, PC Ga..." This is Southend Police.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54"I don't know, they're probably all drunk. Isn't that right, PC Dave?"
0:30:56 > 0:31:02So, one of the many things that grumpies like us don't do very well is buying presents for other people.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05We're just not very good at it.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08We can't work out why we have to give people presents
0:31:08 > 0:31:09on Jesus's birthday anyway.
0:31:09 > 0:31:14There's so much rubbish on sale that we can't work out what to buy anybody.
0:31:14 > 0:31:18So we leave it and we leave it and then before you know where you are,
0:31:18 > 0:31:23it's the last minute and you're in a panic.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27And I will be stopping at every service station, panicking,
0:31:27 > 0:31:30breaking out in a sweat like a Geordie in a spelling test.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33And you try and find the biggest megastore,
0:31:33 > 0:31:36where they sell everything under the one roof, as possible.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40I go shopping on Christmas Eve, something like half-past three
0:31:40 > 0:31:42I'll probably get into the shops on Christmas Eve.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45And run out of ideas very, very quickly.
0:31:45 > 0:31:50I tend to buy my father a book that I know he's already got,
0:31:50 > 0:31:51so that I can have it.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54Why would you go shopping on Christmas Eve?
0:31:54 > 0:31:55Oh!
0:31:55 > 0:31:57Er...
0:31:57 > 0:32:00It's just a total waste of money and time.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03I suppose it's the price you pay, isn't it?
0:32:03 > 0:32:05For Christmas, "the giving season".
0:32:05 > 0:32:10I know somebody that goes, "Oh, it's such a wonderful atmosphere, the carol singers... "
0:32:10 > 0:32:12And you think, "What? You are mental!"
0:32:12 > 0:32:17Crowds and crowds of like-minded, irritable, dead-eyed souls.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Buying presents for anyone is tricky enough,
0:32:24 > 0:32:26but getting the right thing for your loved one?
0:32:26 > 0:32:30Well, you've got more chance of parting a banker and his bonus.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Good luck with that.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35You get the usual thing, don't you, when it comes to presents.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38It's like, "Don't get me anything this year."
0:32:39 > 0:32:41Would you risk that one?
0:32:41 > 0:32:42Really?
0:32:42 > 0:32:46In our family we've kind of got it down now to, it's got to be thoughtful.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49I'm rubbish at being thoughtful.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Really rubbish at being thoughtful.
0:32:51 > 0:32:56"Well, I thought I'd get you a golf-club polisher".
0:32:56 > 0:32:59Especially presents for wife is very difficult, you know.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01I think most men feel like this.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02There's only one golden rule -
0:33:02 > 0:33:06for God's sake, don't go anywhere near the kitchenware department.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09If you're a last-minute shopper, and I think a lot of men are,
0:33:09 > 0:33:13you get to this point on Christmas Eve with about two hours to spare
0:33:13 > 0:33:16and you think, "Right, I've got to do it now."
0:33:16 > 0:33:19And every shop you look into becomes a possible present for a minute,
0:33:19 > 0:33:22you're looking at things - "I'll get her some perfume.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24No, that's too obvious".
0:33:24 > 0:33:27"I'll get her some underwear. Mm, no, wrong message.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29"Well, right message, but the wrong time of year".
0:33:29 > 0:33:30"Er, I'll get her a dress.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33"What sort of dress shall I get her? "What dress? I don't know what dress.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36"The one on the assistant looks really good".
0:33:36 > 0:33:37"Erm, maybe I'll get her some meat.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40"No, I'll get fish. That'll be really good,"
0:33:40 > 0:33:43"It's going to be extinct soon. It'll be a collector's item".
0:33:43 > 0:33:45"No, I can't, that's ridiculous. What will I get her?
0:33:45 > 0:33:48"I'll put a bet on a horse. Yes, I'll put a bet on a horse".
0:33:48 > 0:33:51"It'll be different, original..." Rubbish.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57Last year, and this is true, there was about half an hour left.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00I was in Wimbledon, I was doing a pantomime in Wimbledon.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03And a van went past me for the London Door Company,
0:34:03 > 0:34:07and I briefly thought, "I could get her a door!"
0:34:07 > 0:34:09# The holly and the ivy... #
0:34:09 > 0:34:12OK, it's almost Christmas.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15So we need to go to a place of spiritual awakening.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18A place where we can imbibe the spirit of peace and love
0:34:18 > 0:34:20and goodwill to all men.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23A place where we can lift up our hearts and sing.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27The local church for the midnight carol service maybe.
0:34:27 > 0:34:28No?
0:34:28 > 0:34:32Where else could we possibly express the true spirit of Christmas
0:34:32 > 0:34:34in the 21st century?
0:34:34 > 0:34:37# Jingle bells, jingle, jangle
0:34:37 > 0:34:39# Jingle all the way
0:34:39 > 0:34:46# Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh, hey!
0:34:46 > 0:34:49# Jingle bells, jingle bells
0:34:49 > 0:34:52# Jingle all the way
0:34:52 > 0:34:57# Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh. #
0:34:57 > 0:34:58RETCHING
0:34:58 > 0:35:02When I was younger, you used to go home and see all your friends,
0:35:02 > 0:35:03you'd go out and go to a pub.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05There was always a pub on the market square.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08You'd all meet up, 20, 30 of you.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12You'd get pissed, you'd come home, you'd puke in the hallway.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14You'd get up the next day totally hung-over,
0:35:14 > 0:35:16and ruin Christmas for everybody.
0:35:16 > 0:35:17So says mother.
0:35:17 > 0:35:24Christmas Eve is a time when all of the sort of difficulties of Christmas crystallise, if you like,
0:35:24 > 0:35:29in that the enforced jollity and the stress all combine
0:35:29 > 0:35:33to make it probably the most violent evening of the year, I would think.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36And now I stay at home, get totally drunk,
0:35:36 > 0:35:40puke up in the hallway, wake up the next day totally hung-over,
0:35:40 > 0:35:41ruin Christmas for everyone.
0:35:41 > 0:35:46There must be more pub fights on Christmas Eve than at any other time.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49The stress of having to enjoy yourself
0:35:49 > 0:35:53induces this kind of terrible drinking behaviour,
0:35:53 > 0:35:59so I don't think I've had a hangover-free Christmas ever.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01That's a bit sad.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Or is that quite cool?
0:36:03 > 0:36:04No, it's a bit sad.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06Happy Christmas, Lance.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08And Happy New Year to you!
0:36:12 > 0:36:15So, you've had a skinful the night before...
0:36:15 > 0:36:16ALARM RINGS
0:36:16 > 0:36:19..Crawled in at 3am, so you look and feel like a rat's bum
0:36:19 > 0:36:21when you wake up the next morning.
0:36:21 > 0:36:22Then it dawns on you.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26You're supposed to be full of Christmas cheer
0:36:26 > 0:36:28and all you're full of is dyspepsia.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31And guess what else is happening to complete your joy?
0:36:31 > 0:36:33Yes, that's right.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35The in-laws are coming over.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38Oh, joy(!) Oh, bliss(!)
0:36:38 > 0:36:39DOORBELL RINGS
0:36:39 > 0:36:41Oh, my God!
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Yes, we're all grumpy.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51Grumpy men and grumpy women, grumpy boys and grumpy girls.
0:36:51 > 0:36:52Miserable in tooth and claw.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56But even we, hard-hearted and dyed in the wool cynics that we are,
0:36:56 > 0:37:01can't help but get a little dewy-eyed on Christmas morning.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04What could be more magical
0:37:04 > 0:37:06than the giving and receiving of presents?
0:37:06 > 0:37:07Ho!
0:37:07 > 0:37:10The big difference between posh people and common people
0:37:10 > 0:37:14is that common people open their presents first thing in the morning
0:37:14 > 0:37:17and posh people open theirs later on.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20You might want to remember that.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23But even this simple stuff is fraught with 1,000 complications.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27Did they spend more on you than you did on them?
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Did you accidentally give them back the same hot water bottle cosy
0:37:30 > 0:37:31they gave you last Christmas?
0:37:31 > 0:37:36And hardest of all, when you receive something you don't want
0:37:36 > 0:37:38and have given away something you do want,
0:37:38 > 0:37:40you are supposed to look happy.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43How's that supposed to work, then?
0:37:44 > 0:37:46Let me set the scene for you.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50Knocking at the door, entering with your hands laden
0:37:50 > 0:37:52with this pile of presents,
0:37:52 > 0:37:54like a scene out of Meet Me In St Louis.
0:37:54 > 0:37:58In you go with your presents for all your brothers and sisters
0:37:58 > 0:38:01and families and friends and all their little ones...
0:38:01 > 0:38:05Cut to leaving the place with one small paperback
0:38:05 > 0:38:07that you've already read.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11The really rubbish thing about Christmas is you have to enjoy the gift of giving.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14You actually have to do that, that's one of those things,
0:38:14 > 0:38:18when you're told younger that the joy is in the giving and you think, "Oh, piss off!"
0:38:18 > 0:38:22No, the joy's the frenzied unwrapping,
0:38:22 > 0:38:25like a sort of crazed Velociraptor,
0:38:25 > 0:38:28tearing its prey apart like that.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31When the Christmas spirit normally hits me,
0:38:31 > 0:38:34is normally that 30-second period on Christmas morning
0:38:34 > 0:38:38when I grab a present from under the tree and rip off enough paper
0:38:38 > 0:38:41to realise that somebody's bought me the same old tat again.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Actually, what I've done is sometimes,
0:38:43 > 0:38:45and it's a bit inexcusable this,
0:38:45 > 0:38:46I've looked at it and thought,
0:38:46 > 0:38:49"What a pile of cack you've sent me here!"
0:38:49 > 0:38:51"Who don't I like very much I've got to send a present to?
0:38:51 > 0:38:53"I'll send it to them". I redo it and send it back.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56It's going to be something that someone gave them
0:38:56 > 0:38:58that they didn't want that they gave you cos it's last-minute stuff.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00If you have people over at your house,
0:39:00 > 0:39:02they feel they've got to bring something.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04If you come to my house, don't bring anything.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Just come. Bring liquor. Bring Scotch.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09As my nan lost her mind more and more,
0:39:09 > 0:39:13she would just wrap up found objects, weird objects.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16You know, she'd just wrap... My brother got a stone one year.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18It was just clearly a stone that she'd found.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20She'd be like, "Something you're going to like".
0:39:20 > 0:39:23It's just a stone in wrapping paper you have to...
0:39:23 > 0:39:24My dad, you're getting the eye.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26You have to go, "Brilliant! Just what I wanted, a stone!"
0:39:26 > 0:39:29My mum, God bless her, she will buy presents,
0:39:29 > 0:39:32but she'll buy them on spec in the middle of the year.
0:39:32 > 0:39:36She'll go somewhere, to something like...
0:39:36 > 0:39:42the Wensleydale Cheese Sculpture Centre, or something like that.
0:39:42 > 0:39:46And she will get carried away in the moment.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50It's not about the getting. It's about the giving.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52I realise that, but...
0:39:52 > 0:39:54But...
0:39:54 > 0:39:55Giving sucks.
0:39:59 > 0:40:00Oh, yes.
0:40:00 > 0:40:04So, when was the last time you received a present you really wanted?
0:40:04 > 0:40:07You know, like a motorbike or a drum kit?
0:40:07 > 0:40:11As it is, if you can manage to look grateful for an electric tin-opener,
0:40:11 > 0:40:13you deserve an Academy Award.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16"Oh, how lovely, Marjorie, just what I always wanted.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18"Did you keep the receipt?"
0:40:18 > 0:40:21Oh, you are a one! Honestly!
0:40:23 > 0:40:26We asked our grumpiest to show us how to do it.
0:40:26 > 0:40:27Oh, that's so sweet.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30You shouldn't have. Really, you shouldn't have.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32What lovely, appropriate paper.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35A lot of tape on this!
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Now, what an original piece!
0:40:43 > 0:40:45Really nice. Is this glass?
0:40:45 > 0:40:47- GLASS SMASHES - Nice.
0:40:51 > 0:40:57That's lovely. Now, I can... I'd put that in... In a bedroom.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00Oh, God, that is... That's lovely.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Oh, it's so sweet. Thank you so much.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06It's really thoughtful of you.
0:41:08 > 0:41:12Oh, that's so cute! Oh, I love it!
0:41:12 > 0:41:14Oh, thanks.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Scary, right?
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Nice. Did you...
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Did you like the diamond necklace I bought you?
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Here you go, Granddad.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30For common people, then, it's time for lunch.
0:41:30 > 0:41:31Oh, what a treat.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34Enough turkey to give you constipation for a month
0:41:34 > 0:41:37washed down with sweet, fizzy wine,
0:41:37 > 0:41:40because Grandma doesn't like that dry muck you usually serve.
0:41:40 > 0:41:41Never mind!
0:41:41 > 0:41:45There's always the consistently disappointing crackers to pull,
0:41:45 > 0:41:49the dry leathery turkey to eat, the fart-inducing sprouts to avoid
0:41:49 > 0:41:53and the slightly too-drunk in-laws to placate.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57Great(!) So the wait's been worth it(!)
0:41:58 > 0:42:02Christmas dinner. Well, I haven't always cooked Christmas dinner,
0:42:02 > 0:42:06because I've often gone off to family and in-laws and things.
0:42:06 > 0:42:10But now I've got kids of my own, I have done it a couple of times,
0:42:10 > 0:42:15because I want to start my own traditions that they can take
0:42:15 > 0:42:17and memories of their mother
0:42:17 > 0:42:20screaming and crawling on the kitchen floor,
0:42:20 > 0:42:22going, "What happened to those?!
0:42:22 > 0:42:26"They were like parsnips when I put them in and now...
0:42:26 > 0:42:27"Now they're...
0:42:27 > 0:42:29"What is that? What is that?"
0:42:29 > 0:42:33My mum left the giblets in a plastic bag in the turkey
0:42:33 > 0:42:36and the plastic melted in the turkey on to the spuds,
0:42:36 > 0:42:38so everything tasted of plastic.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41It was just so miserable, because my dad just couldn't...
0:42:41 > 0:42:43Doesn't have the ability to laugh it off.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45"The whole Christmas ruined!"
0:42:46 > 0:42:50One year they had Christmas dinner at midnight in my house,
0:42:50 > 0:42:53because it takes me so long to make Christmas dinner,
0:42:53 > 0:42:54cos I get really into it
0:42:54 > 0:42:58and like, start peeling cranberries with my bloody...you know.
0:42:58 > 0:42:59And doing all sorts...
0:42:59 > 0:43:02I'd have to make it all from scratch and it drives my family nuts.
0:43:02 > 0:43:06And they in turn are then horrible to me because they're hungry.
0:43:06 > 0:43:09I can't bear it when Christmas dinner turns up and some of it's cold.
0:43:09 > 0:43:11You don't feel you've got the right to moan,
0:43:11 > 0:43:13cos someone's been trapped in the kitchen the whole day.
0:43:13 > 0:43:16"Excuse me, my mashed parsnips are at room temperature.
0:43:16 > 0:43:17"It's unacceptable".
0:43:17 > 0:43:20It's the most important meal of the entire year,
0:43:20 > 0:43:24so what do we choose out of everything that you could have?
0:43:24 > 0:43:25What do we choose?
0:43:25 > 0:43:31Turkey with cranberry jelly, which is basically like chicken with jam.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34It's like posh chicken with jam, isn't it?
0:43:34 > 0:43:37And let's serve it up with Brussels sprouts,
0:43:37 > 0:43:40which are the grapes of the devil.
0:43:41 > 0:43:45So, let us pause just for a moment to consider the gentle turkey
0:43:45 > 0:43:46and what Christmas means to it.
0:43:46 > 0:43:49Now, two weeks before Christmas,
0:43:49 > 0:43:52the turkey population of Britain is probably about 10 million.
0:43:52 > 0:43:54A week later, probably about a hundred.
0:43:54 > 0:43:57Basically, it's turkey genocide.
0:43:58 > 0:44:03But these days, just being a common or garden turkey isn't enough, oh, no.
0:44:03 > 0:44:06We need to know the provenance of our Christmas lunch.
0:44:06 > 0:44:07You've got to have a turkey
0:44:07 > 0:44:11that has been spoon-fed hummingbird nectar from a pipette
0:44:11 > 0:44:13and massaged on the slopes of Mount Fuji,
0:44:13 > 0:44:16before being given its own choice of humane killing
0:44:16 > 0:44:20at the hands of a vegan conscientious objector or something.
0:44:21 > 0:44:28I invested in an organic, free-range, privately-educated...
0:44:28 > 0:44:30turkey from a high family.
0:44:30 > 0:44:33It was knighted, actually, I think, at one point.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36You get all these people saying, "I'd only get an organic turkey
0:44:36 > 0:44:40"that's been allowed to go on holiday twice in its lifetime,
0:44:40 > 0:44:41"all-inclusive, of course."
0:44:41 > 0:44:46And I still managed to make it taste like a processed chicken roll.
0:44:46 > 0:44:50And my mum, I remember, she used to buy this enormous turkey.
0:44:50 > 0:44:52It was like the size of a small toddler.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54And try and shove it in the oven
0:44:54 > 0:44:58and we'd be there at 11 o'clock at night still waiting for this turkey.
0:44:58 > 0:45:01It goes beyond just, we only eat it once a year.
0:45:01 > 0:45:04We purposely buy something we've got no idea how to cook,
0:45:04 > 0:45:06and then celebrate it.
0:45:09 > 0:45:10Ha!
0:45:10 > 0:45:12Who looks inadequate now?
0:45:12 > 0:45:14My dad, with his Neanderthal,
0:45:14 > 0:45:17has to comment on the actual meat he's eating.
0:45:17 > 0:45:21That's all the conversation can be about. "That's a solid crown, boy."
0:45:21 > 0:45:23The only thing people like on Christmas dinner,
0:45:23 > 0:45:25them little sausages, pigs in blankets.
0:45:25 > 0:45:27That's what everyone likes.
0:45:27 > 0:45:29Just give them a plate full of those and some mash.
0:45:29 > 0:45:32Mash and gravy with them in the middle.
0:45:32 > 0:45:34That's it! Everybody's happy!
0:45:34 > 0:45:37"Solid meat. Never forget the value of what you're eating."
0:45:37 > 0:45:38That's all he talks about.
0:45:40 > 0:45:45Yes, Christmas is a time for expensive and useless rubbish.
0:45:45 > 0:45:48Greetings cards for people you see every week, presents you don't want,
0:45:48 > 0:45:51food that turns your stomach,
0:45:51 > 0:45:53decorations that are a fire hazard,
0:45:53 > 0:45:57but what is the biggest waste of money of all at Christmas time?
0:45:57 > 0:45:59The biggest of all?
0:45:59 > 0:46:01It's a hard competition to win.
0:46:01 > 0:46:05REPORTER: The girls work harder, the more their work is pulled to pieces.
0:46:05 > 0:46:07They're making Christmas crackers, with trinkets
0:46:07 > 0:46:10of a type which give kiddies an excuse to fight when they drop out.
0:46:10 > 0:46:13And now to insert the treasures which will rattle
0:46:13 > 0:46:15when tiny hands shake 'em with a "Guess what's inside?"
0:46:20 > 0:46:24There's a huge opportunity for firms to deeply rip people off
0:46:24 > 0:46:27on Christmas Day
0:46:27 > 0:46:29and it's almost Dickensian.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31Cos you can imagine them going,
0:46:31 > 0:46:36"Mm, watch what... Now we can put anything in the cracker.
0:46:36 > 0:46:39"It won't matter. We'll wrap it up and make it look pretty!"
0:46:39 > 0:46:43"And they'll have bought it, they don't know what's in it!"
0:46:43 > 0:46:44"They've already bought it,
0:46:44 > 0:46:47"they've already put it on their table, it doesn't matter!"
0:46:47 > 0:46:52They've got a thing that goes "crack" that works occasionally.
0:46:52 > 0:46:57You've got a toy that even the most easily pleased child,
0:46:57 > 0:47:00who's not going to get much for Christmas,
0:47:00 > 0:47:02will think, "Well, that's crap!"
0:47:02 > 0:47:04You get a joke that's not funny
0:47:04 > 0:47:08and you get a hat that makes you look like a moron.
0:47:09 > 0:47:11That's what you get in a cracker.
0:47:11 > 0:47:15Great(!) Let's all buy three dozen for Christmas Day!
0:47:15 > 0:47:16Let's not!
0:47:16 > 0:47:20Let's boycott the cracker industry and put them out of business.
0:47:20 > 0:47:21The bastards.
0:47:21 > 0:47:25- "Who invented fireworks?"- Me!
0:47:25 > 0:47:27"Some bright spark(!)"
0:47:30 > 0:47:32If they were really fun
0:47:32 > 0:47:35and represented all the jollity of our times,
0:47:35 > 0:47:38in March and August and other times of the year,
0:47:38 > 0:47:41people would go, "It'd be great to have some Christmas crackers,
0:47:41 > 0:47:43"because they just make the party go off."
0:47:43 > 0:47:46And the worst thing is, if you have to pull a cracker
0:47:46 > 0:47:48with someone that you don't know, it's a bit awkward,
0:47:48 > 0:47:51because there's a bit of - what's the cracker etiquette?
0:47:51 > 0:47:54If I pull too hard, they'll think I'm a bit of a cow.
0:47:54 > 0:47:57If I'm a bit flimsy with it, they'll walk all over me, you know.
0:47:57 > 0:48:00So it's a bizarre sort of etiquette.
0:48:03 > 0:48:05Oh, nice! Lovely!
0:48:05 > 0:48:08"What did one pig say to the other pig?"
0:48:10 > 0:48:12"Let's be pen pals."
0:48:13 > 0:48:17"What do you get if you cross a skeleton and a detective?"
0:48:18 > 0:48:20"Sherlock Bones."
0:48:20 > 0:48:24"When is a boat like a pile of snow?"
0:48:25 > 0:48:26"When it's adrift."
0:48:28 > 0:48:31Oh! This is brilliant!
0:48:31 > 0:48:35"Where do sick gnomes go?
0:48:35 > 0:48:36"To the Elf Centre."
0:48:37 > 0:48:40"Why are brides unlucky?
0:48:40 > 0:48:43"Well, they never marry the best man."
0:48:43 > 0:48:47"What do you call a row of men waiting for a haircut?
0:48:48 > 0:48:49"A barber-queue."
0:48:49 > 0:48:50WAH-WAH-WAHHHHH!
0:48:50 > 0:48:52What a pile of cack!
0:48:52 > 0:48:57I'd be very happy if one of those stupid jokes
0:48:57 > 0:48:58actually got my mouth
0:48:58 > 0:49:01just to turn up a little bit at the corners.
0:49:01 > 0:49:03In 41 years I haven't found one yet.
0:49:04 > 0:49:09I've based a lot of my material on cracker jokes, actually.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14So, once we've forced down more food in one sitting
0:49:14 > 0:49:18than we'd normally have in a week, what do we have for dessert?
0:49:18 > 0:49:19A light sorbet, perhaps?
0:49:19 > 0:49:21A palate cleansing fruit salad?
0:49:21 > 0:49:25Oh, no, this is Christmas, and it's the law.
0:49:25 > 0:49:27And what is that?
0:49:27 > 0:49:28Seriously?
0:49:28 > 0:49:31It looks like doggie doo-doos.
0:49:31 > 0:49:33Tastes like doggie doo-doos.
0:49:33 > 0:49:37Even takes longer to prepare than doggie's doo-doos.
0:49:38 > 0:49:40Nobody eats Christmas pudding.
0:49:40 > 0:49:45You buy it, steam it for 73 days, literally, it comes out,
0:49:45 > 0:49:48it's like you could kill somebody with a Christmas pudding.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50If you hit someone on the head with a Christmas pudding,
0:49:50 > 0:49:54they would certainly have some sort of haemorrhage in their brain.
0:49:54 > 0:49:55I don't think anybody likes them.
0:49:55 > 0:49:58Does anybody like Christmas pudding?
0:49:58 > 0:49:59Really? Come on!
0:49:59 > 0:50:00Ugh!
0:50:00 > 0:50:01Nah.
0:50:01 > 0:50:05How come you get to a point where, under normal circumstances,
0:50:05 > 0:50:06you would say, "No thanks, no.
0:50:06 > 0:50:09"I won't have any pudding, thank you very much."
0:50:09 > 0:50:10And everybody would accept that.
0:50:10 > 0:50:13They'd say, they're not having any pudding.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16They go, "No, just a little bit of Christmas pudding."
0:50:16 > 0:50:17You go, "No, really full."
0:50:17 > 0:50:20"I spent ages making this Christmas pudding."
0:50:20 > 0:50:21No-one likes it.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24It's like this much cake,
0:50:24 > 0:50:27and all this kind of jellied, dried out fruit stuff
0:50:27 > 0:50:28and most of it's apricot,
0:50:28 > 0:50:31and some people, they stick liquorice stuff in there -
0:50:31 > 0:50:33it's the nastiest crap ever.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35"Yes, but I made this specially.
0:50:35 > 0:50:37"I took ages making this Christmas pudding."
0:50:37 > 0:50:39"Can't believe you're not eating this..."
0:50:39 > 0:50:41"I'll just have a little bit, then."
0:50:41 > 0:50:44MUSIC: Bond Theme
0:50:44 > 0:50:47Lunch over and it's time to sit down in front of the telly
0:50:47 > 0:50:49where they operate a little-known law,
0:50:49 > 0:50:54that no film less than 15 years old and on its 18th repeat
0:50:54 > 0:50:55is allowed to be shown.
0:50:55 > 0:50:59Did you know that? Oh, yes! It's the law, all right.
0:51:01 > 0:51:05Oh, I do loathe a James Bond film at bloody Christmas, don't you?
0:51:05 > 0:51:09I mean, James Bond is surely a brand
0:51:09 > 0:51:12that wants, kind of, putting out of its misery, isn't it?
0:51:12 > 0:51:16If I have one more Christmas
0:51:16 > 0:51:19where somebody says they want to watch It's A Wonderful Life,
0:51:19 > 0:51:22I will emigrate.
0:51:22 > 0:51:23I hate that film.
0:51:23 > 0:51:25There's some good telly on at Christmas.
0:51:25 > 0:51:28Except for that Queen's Speech. They got that on again.
0:51:28 > 0:51:32The news bulletin at six on Christmas Day is always well worth watching.
0:51:34 > 0:51:37Good afternoon. The Queen has spoken...
0:51:37 > 0:51:40They report the Queen's Speech like it's news.
0:51:40 > 0:51:43I dunno why they bovver. I mean, it's not very funny, is it?
0:51:43 > 0:51:45It's a prime slot, that.
0:51:45 > 0:51:47If she, you know, got a song in there or something,
0:51:47 > 0:51:49she could have had the Christmas number one.
0:51:49 > 0:51:53Then she could have been celebrating keeping Simon Cowell out of the way.
0:51:53 > 0:51:55It'd be a result all round.
0:51:55 > 0:51:57All I would say is, if we're going to have the Queen's Speech
0:51:57 > 0:51:59then just put a bit of oomph into it.
0:51:59 > 0:52:02But rhe sad thing, really, about Christmas now is
0:52:02 > 0:52:06that a lot of youngsters seriously don't know the meaning of Christmas
0:52:06 > 0:52:08and they genuinely don't know
0:52:08 > 0:52:11that it's the time when we celebrate the birth and the life and the work
0:52:11 > 0:52:13of Morecambe and Wise.
0:52:13 > 0:52:14SNORING
0:52:14 > 0:52:17# Bring me sunshine. In your smile... #
0:52:18 > 0:52:22Yes, it's a time for ritual, for customs, for ceremony
0:52:22 > 0:52:25and for falling out with your loved ones.
0:52:25 > 0:52:29It's the end of the year and frankly, you've had them up to here.
0:52:29 > 0:52:32Add a hangover, a bellyful of constipation,
0:52:32 > 0:52:36a glass of cheap plonk and the Queen's Christmas message,
0:52:36 > 0:52:39and you have a recipe for the St Valentine's Day Massacre.
0:52:39 > 0:52:40# Through... #
0:52:40 > 0:52:43MUSIC: Sex And The City Theme
0:52:43 > 0:52:47It only takes a little bit to get you right back to when you were a kid.
0:52:47 > 0:52:49You know when you were a kid and you really hated that auntie,
0:52:49 > 0:52:52or your brother was a tosser or your mother just had it in for you.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55So I'm doing a lot of this. I'm like...
0:52:55 > 0:52:58I feel like Robert De Niro. I'm like...
0:52:58 > 0:53:01"Talking to me? Talking to me? I know you're not talking to me."
0:53:01 > 0:53:04It's such a vulnerable time when you all get together
0:53:04 > 0:53:05and that's when you revert to type,
0:53:05 > 0:53:09you revert to those horrible old Christmases
0:53:09 > 0:53:13when you were a teenager and your hormones were running wild
0:53:13 > 0:53:14and you never asked to be born!
0:53:14 > 0:53:16And everybody does that,
0:53:16 > 0:53:19probably about an hour-and-a-half after they've eaten.
0:53:19 > 0:53:22We're still doing the family Christmas with my dad,
0:53:22 > 0:53:25because my dad always says, he starts miserable,
0:53:25 > 0:53:27he starts the day by being Kryptonite in the corner.
0:53:27 > 0:53:30"Shouldn't have bought it, wasted your money,"
0:53:30 > 0:53:33opening presents, a glimpse of scrotum through the dressing gown.
0:53:33 > 0:53:35Then you've got certain family members
0:53:35 > 0:53:36who can't handle their liquor
0:53:36 > 0:53:40and they get like that and you've got to bite your tongue.
0:53:40 > 0:53:43Then he drinks four Stellas and becomes irritatingly jovial,
0:53:43 > 0:53:45swears until he offends my mum at dinner,
0:53:45 > 0:53:48then goes back into depression at the end of the night,
0:53:48 > 0:53:50"My life, it's a piece of shit, innit, boy?"
0:53:50 > 0:53:53It's tough because, like, I'm newly married,
0:53:53 > 0:53:55so I don't want to knock out my uncle.
0:53:55 > 0:54:00If you're having more arguments than on a normal Sunday or something like that
0:54:00 > 0:54:03it's probably because you've succumbed to the pressure,
0:54:03 > 0:54:06you're thinking, "Why aren't we having more fun?"
0:54:06 > 0:54:09"Look! The fun monitor's dipped below 100.
0:54:09 > 0:54:12"And according to New Labour's guidelines,
0:54:12 > 0:54:17"we should be having 120 degrees of fun by 3:15.
0:54:17 > 0:54:19"It's all gone wrong!"
0:54:19 > 0:54:21That's the key to getting through Christmas,
0:54:21 > 0:54:24is drinking just the right amount of alcohol that you don't turn violent,
0:54:24 > 0:54:26but enough that blocks out reality.
0:54:26 > 0:54:28Pretty much a tip for life as well.
0:54:28 > 0:54:30I mean, there is a great relief
0:54:30 > 0:54:32if you've got a family Christmas over with
0:54:32 > 0:54:36and no one's, kind of, punched each other, really.
0:54:36 > 0:54:38You think, "That was one of the better ones, wasn't it?"
0:54:40 > 0:54:42If the Queen's speech is over,
0:54:42 > 0:54:46then it's probably a good 45 minutes since you finished lunch,
0:54:46 > 0:54:48so time for a little snack, I think.
0:54:48 > 0:54:51Fancy some cold cuts, Auntie Gloria?
0:54:51 > 0:54:52I love all the food.
0:54:52 > 0:54:56But then I get the guilt thing over it.
0:54:56 > 0:54:57You know...
0:54:57 > 0:55:00It's just, it's over done.
0:55:00 > 0:55:04It's like, the amount of food that gets thrown away,
0:55:04 > 0:55:06Christmas Day, is a joke.
0:55:07 > 0:55:09Never mind.
0:55:09 > 0:55:12With Christmas over for another year,
0:55:12 > 0:55:14we can all look forward to Boxing Day.
0:55:14 > 0:55:19A time for realising you've seen that box-set of DVDs you got yesterday
0:55:19 > 0:55:24and that someone's given you the paperback of the John Grisham you read nine months ago.
0:55:24 > 0:55:26But it's all OK,
0:55:26 > 0:55:30because you've got that greatest treat of all to look forward to -
0:55:30 > 0:55:31the leftovers.
0:55:32 > 0:55:36Boxing Day for me means one thing - meat sweats,
0:55:36 > 0:55:39the sweat of eating too much meat, that pallid...
0:55:39 > 0:55:42The sweat that forms on your brow when you've eaten too much meat
0:55:42 > 0:55:46and your body's going, "Ooh! I don't know what to do about this."
0:55:46 > 0:55:48Things start getting curried, don't they?
0:55:48 > 0:55:50The British urge to curry everything that's left over.
0:55:50 > 0:55:53"Don't sit there too long, Nan, or I'll curry you."
0:55:53 > 0:55:54Cold meat sweat.
0:55:54 > 0:55:58That feeling behind your eyes that you've eaten too much meat,
0:55:58 > 0:56:00that vegetarians will never understand.
0:56:00 > 0:56:02My dad just curried everything.
0:56:02 > 0:56:04I reckon if there's ever an apocalypse
0:56:04 > 0:56:05and we're all just half-burnt bodies
0:56:05 > 0:56:07and the world's been flattened into an ashy dust,
0:56:07 > 0:56:10there'll be British people going round currying everything left.
0:56:10 > 0:56:13And I do make turkey soup and I do make turkey curry,
0:56:13 > 0:56:15I do have turkey sandwiches that evening.
0:56:15 > 0:56:17We do have turkey sandwiches on Boxing Day.
0:56:17 > 0:56:18Turkey, turkey, turkey.
0:56:18 > 0:56:20You don't go back to work or anything.
0:56:20 > 0:56:24You just watch loads of telly and eat the leftovers.
0:56:24 > 0:56:26Or as Spanish people call it, tapas.
0:56:26 > 0:56:27Do you know what?
0:56:27 > 0:56:31I always go into the new year feeling a bit depressed.
0:56:31 > 0:56:34I don't know why, I just always have.
0:56:34 > 0:56:37It's that sort of horrible black hole after Christmas, isn't it?
0:56:37 > 0:56:40I feel relieved that Christmas is over, to be honest.
0:56:40 > 0:56:42It's been building up and building up.
0:56:42 > 0:56:44It's always, always a disappointment.
0:56:44 > 0:56:46It doesn't live up to much.
0:56:46 > 0:56:49I'm sure that's why some people are on drugs.
0:56:49 > 0:56:52Boxing Day is the day to buy sofas.
0:56:52 > 0:56:56But didn't it come from... Isn't that supposed to be the present day,
0:56:56 > 0:56:58when you box something up and give something to somebody?
0:56:58 > 0:57:00Or is it the day you knock the person out
0:57:00 > 0:57:03that you've been wanting to knock out all year?
0:57:03 > 0:57:05Because I'd like it to be the latter.
0:57:05 > 0:57:09And you just need to rest before the nightmare of new year comes.
0:57:09 > 0:57:12So it's the best part of it, I think, that little bit in midweek,
0:57:12 > 0:57:15when you don't see anybody, you don't speak to anybody
0:57:15 > 0:57:19and you keep yourself to yourself and grumpiness reigns.
0:57:20 > 0:57:22I like it.
0:57:22 > 0:57:24# Oh, Santa
0:57:26 > 0:57:29# I've been waiting on you... #
0:57:32 > 0:57:35That's funny, kid. Because...
0:57:35 > 0:57:38I've been coming for you.
0:57:40 > 0:57:41Ugh!
0:57:42 > 0:57:44# Oh, Santa
0:57:44 > 0:57:49# I've been killing just for fun.
0:57:49 > 0:57:52OZZY: I think Christmas is the biggest load of bollocks ever.