0:00:05 > 0:00:08Remember when your hot meal was a soggy school dinner,
0:00:08 > 0:00:11an overcooked roast at the local carvery
0:00:11 > 0:00:14or a charred treat in the all new burger bar?
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Well, they tell us that British cuisine has improved,
0:00:19 > 0:00:24so why do we now suffer from food fury and gastronomic grumpiness?
0:00:25 > 0:00:26A timbale of rice.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31In a mung bean reduction with a wallaby jus.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36What a load of pretentious bollocks.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Everyone seems obsessed with what they put down their gullet.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Worrying about the airmiles it's travelled,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46or trying to grow it themselves in some green-fingered Good Life fantasy world.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51It's insane. You know, why are we eating any of this at all?
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Meanwhile, our telly diet is marinaded in celebrity chefs,
0:00:55 > 0:01:00and the local greengrocer has been expertly stuffed by a huge supermarket.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03If you get something like a chicken Kiev,
0:01:03 > 0:01:07it should just say "salt, with some chicken Kiev."
0:01:07 > 0:01:13We've gone from powdered egg to bloody goji berries, whatever they are.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16How come stuff that's supposed to be good for you is horrible?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22It's time for us Grumpies to lift the lid and let off steam.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Do I have an educated palate?
0:01:32 > 0:01:38Yes, it's been educated to chips and fish fingers and fried eggs.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Love a bit of food, me.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I'm lucky, because I can eat and eat and not put a pound on.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I put it down to a high metabolism.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I've eaten some odd things in my time.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I've eaten a goat's testicle,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I've eaten a rat curry, I've eaten a dried fish on a stick.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Fussiness was not an option. It was, food down,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59if you don't want to eat it, don't.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02It'll go in the bin. Go hungry. See you tomorrow, end of.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05My wife has educated me quite a great deal
0:02:05 > 0:02:07in the ways of the gourmand
0:02:07 > 0:02:10but I'm pretty simple. I don't really like veg.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13That'll be the first thing I say, I'm not a vegetarian.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Here we are.- Mmmm, wonderful.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I think I have an educated palate.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24That's not to say I'm easily fooled by fancy-schmancy,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27"Oh, look, there's a tiny bit of food on this big plate"
0:02:27 > 0:02:31"and it's sky high and you're meant to think it's delicious." I know what's delicious.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35When did strolling the supermarket aisle
0:02:35 > 0:02:38become more like walking a fashion catwalk?
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Everything that we digest these days seems to be dictated to us
0:02:42 > 0:02:46by groups of food fashionistas and culinary snobs.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49When things become fashionable and people tell you,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"you don't want that, you want this."
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I go, "No, I want that."
0:02:53 > 0:02:55"But it's what everyone's having." I think, "so what?"
0:02:55 > 0:02:57With clothes, OK, but not food.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59What I like is what I like. It still tastes good.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Food and fashion statements.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04It's an ongoing thing, isn't it, you know?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Nouvelle cuisine, gastro pubs, fancy beans,
0:03:08 > 0:03:12I remember when someone said to me once, "do you eat mung beans?"
0:03:12 > 0:03:15and I thought they'd insulted me.
0:03:15 > 0:03:21There's trendy vegetables, chic sushi, hip and happening tomatoes.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25It's enough to make our blood boil.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29What is the difference between sun-dried and sun-blushed?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Bugger all, as far as I can see.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36Dried tomatoes, blushed tomatoes, embarrassed tomatoes,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38various kinds of tomatoes are out there.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43A tomato is a tomato, sun-dried or sun-blushed or plum or...
0:03:43 > 0:03:44it's a tomato.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49And the flowery poncey lingo they use
0:03:49 > 0:03:51to supposedly tease our taste buds
0:03:51 > 0:03:56means we need a translator on hand just to order the simplest of meals.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Scallops on a bed of horseradish mash, know what I mean?
0:04:02 > 0:04:07Medallions of sca... Why do you need to call a scallop a medallion?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09A melange of beef.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Is that a burger?
0:04:10 > 0:04:15- It's a scallop, it doesn't need embellishment. - A timbale of rice.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20A timbale? Why not have, you know, a conga of peas?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24And a bass drum of baked potatoes, while you're at it.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27In a mung bean reduction with a wallaby jus.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33A ceviche of salmon with a panache of seasonal vegetables
0:04:33 > 0:04:36on a nest of salsify.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I thought "What is that? A ceviche?"
0:04:38 > 0:04:41What's a ceviche of salmon? A panache of vegetables?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Why don't they just get Vic Reeves to write the menus for them?
0:04:45 > 0:04:49It would be like, "An eranu of beef that's been hoisted on a winch,
0:04:49 > 0:04:55"served on a nest of cat hair parsnips and an uvavu of red wine.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- "Uuuvaavuu." - RUBS THIGHS
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- Now, you see what Jerry's done here. - Yes?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04He's fried your eggs on both sides.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- Are you sure I can't drizzle some balsamic vinegar on that? - Please don't.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Only in restaurants is the word "drizzle" considered classy.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16I think that's a curious thing. Drizzle is a negative thing.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I don't know why, when we apply it to food,
0:05:18 > 0:05:23it's, "Oh, the oil has been drizzled on, that's nice.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28"I'd hate to think of it being poured or dropped, but drizzled, mmm."
0:05:28 > 0:05:30What a load of pretentious bollocks.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34They say less is more,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37and in restaurant terms they could just be right.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41It seems the more you pay out, the less you actually get.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I like a nice medium-sized dish but no, these tiny little...
0:05:44 > 0:05:47No. There's no point in that, I know it looks lovely
0:05:47 > 0:05:50and it does taste lovely but I want to taste it more than once.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54I want to go, "mmm taste, mmm taste, mmm taste, mmm taste,
0:05:54 > 0:05:58"maybe taste again". Then I'm done. I don't just want, "mmm taste."
0:05:58 > 0:06:03I had this posh meal, it sounded amazing, it came out, it was
0:06:03 > 0:06:08a piece of salmon with a bit of sauce on it, one asparagus!
0:06:11 > 0:06:12One asparagus!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16The one modern food I cannot entertain is sushi.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18There's nothing there, people go nuts for it.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22They go "Oh, got to have some sushi, shall we have sushi for lunch, do you like sushi?"
0:06:22 > 0:06:25No, I don't, cos there's nothing there.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It's a little bit of uncooked fish and a little bit of rice.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32And the rest of it is plastic. You throw away more than you eat.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- This is a stack with smoked salmon, cream cheese...- Is that free?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38..prawn in a shell. No, it's only £12.50.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- £12.50 for that! - In a restaurant it would be £25.
0:06:41 > 0:06:48There's nothing that winds me up more than asking for a portion of chips.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Easy request, really, isn't it? Portion of chips.
0:06:51 > 0:06:59And getting on a plate, six big, thick bits of potato, like that.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02That's me, that's the night over.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06I might as well just get my coat. That's it, I've had enough.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08For a long time, I used to go to restaurants
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and there was a lot of something called polenta.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16Now polenta is clearly a building material
0:07:16 > 0:07:21that somewhere in the EU, they suddenly found.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25It must have been a residue. It must have been something
0:07:25 > 0:07:28that was left over after they'd made something else.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31When does a potato become a chip? There has to be size regulations.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33For me a chip has a definite size.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35It's crunchy, you pick it up in your fingers.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38That's huge, you need a knife and fork. Not a chip.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41It's funny how tastes change in different regions.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44In the Midlands, they seem to want chips with everything.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46A lot of people have lasagne and chips,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48or they'll have moussaka and chips.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51You'd think pasta, that's the carbs. You don't need...
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I was in Wolverhampton on tour last year.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I went into a place and ordered a baked potato,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59and honest to God, this girl asked, "Do you want chips with that?".
0:07:59 > 0:08:03It was on every menu for a while. You couldn't move for polenta.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I think we used it up. It seems to have gone.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10We've had our fill of small portions of culinary snobbery.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15But the quick and easy ready meal isn't a palette pleaser either.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Packed with preservatives, e-numbers and fake flavouring,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25over-packaged, clingfilmed,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28and presented with a glossy appetising picture
0:08:28 > 0:08:32that bears no resemblance to the gloop on your plate.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Ready meals are a very odd thing, really.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37If you do get something like a chicken Kiev,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40it should just say, "salt with some chicken Kiev."
0:08:40 > 0:08:44It's been proven over and over again,
0:08:44 > 0:08:49TV chefs and non-TV chefs alike will show you how to make that meal,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52probably as quickly as 40 minutes in the oven.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Why not make it yourself and know what's in it?
0:08:55 > 0:08:5712 o'clock at night after a few lagers,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59chuck it in the microwave for two minutes.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02We can all fall foul of chicken.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06They drag all the goodness out of it, try to make it look pretty by processing it
0:09:06 > 0:09:12and then put it all back in with non natural vitamins and minerals etc.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16I'm constantly disappointed with the picture on the front of the ready meal
0:09:16 > 0:09:18and actually what is in the plastic tray.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Immediately you feel like you're in prison, you take the thing off
0:09:22 > 0:09:25and basically, you've got a prison tray in front of you, haven't you?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27My rule of thumb is,
0:09:27 > 0:09:31if the ready meal comes in a cardboard box, then it's fine.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34If it's packaged with a nice cardboard box
0:09:34 > 0:09:36with a nice picture on it
0:09:36 > 0:09:39and if the cardboard box is not dyed,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42if it's natural cardboard, then it's fine.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51You poke your fork through, you put it in the microwave,
0:09:51 > 0:09:53take it out a few minutes later
0:09:53 > 0:09:56and there's a smell of wet dog in the kitchen.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59What is that smell? What is that smell of wet dog?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01And there, it's your beef casserole.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I do like dirty food though, I mean, I'm a keen cook,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09but there are certain, there's filthy food that I love,
0:10:09 > 0:10:13but it loses its magic when you get older, like the Campbell's meatball,
0:10:13 > 0:10:21I remember loving them as a child, dare I say it, on a bed of rice.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24There are good ready meals, there are bad ready meals.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26But you can go to someone's house
0:10:26 > 0:10:29who's spent all day putting it together -
0:10:29 > 0:10:31could still be horrible, can't it?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35You know, the dinner parties you've been to, where someone says
0:10:35 > 0:10:39"for the starter I've got some slices of organic beetroot
0:10:39 > 0:10:45"with some snail porridge on and a little tuft of lemon grass."
0:10:45 > 0:10:47That sounds horrible.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Do you have any Fray Bentos pies?
0:10:50 > 0:10:55You know, it is amazing, what you can come up with with just flour and water.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Yeah, glue.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06And, sometimes, to wait the seconds it takes to microwave convenience food
0:11:06 > 0:11:10is itself too much of an inconvenience.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14I love eating fish and chips and stuff like that.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18I don't like all the Burger King things. I do sort of think...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20But it's very hard to keep kids off that.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22They know what they're doing.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25"Come to McDonalds, we've got lettuce in our burgers now,
0:11:25 > 0:11:29"so if you want to be an athlete then eat McDonalds."
0:11:31 > 0:11:35I happen to think KFC is the food of the gods.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40To me it is the nectar that keeps me going.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45If I know that there's a motorway service station where the first one
0:11:45 > 0:11:47is, like, not KFC and the next one is,
0:11:47 > 0:11:52I will drive, literally, that extra mile, for the Colonel.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Richard Dawkins has said there's no such thing as God,
0:11:55 > 0:12:01but he hasn't tried KFC gravy. That's the work of the gods.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Not meaning to be cruel to the people of Wolverhampton,
0:12:04 > 0:12:08but eating out in Wolverhampton is really crap.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12And I got laughed in the face in the street
0:12:12 > 0:12:17when I asked someone if there is a Wagamamas in Wolverhampton,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20and they just went, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:12:20 > 0:12:24"No, mate, no, you've got to go to Birmingham for that".
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Having been brought up in Scotland,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I do feel a slight sense of injustice
0:12:30 > 0:12:33that after centuries of
0:12:33 > 0:12:36extraordinary medical prowess from the Scots,
0:12:36 > 0:12:41extraordinary engineering innovation from the Scots -
0:12:41 > 0:12:46inventing penicillin, the telephone, television,
0:12:46 > 0:12:51suddenly the reputation has been reduced to that of,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54that's where you get deep-fried Mars Bars from.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Only in Scotland can they make focaccia sound like a swear word.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Seriously. "foc-accia".
0:13:03 > 0:13:06And after a few jars the calling for animal fat becomes
0:13:06 > 0:13:08impossible to ignore.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13Why is it that a kebab tastes so much better at 3am?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18I was in Scotland recently, doing some gigs up there
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and I went into a kebab shop.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Now, the Scottish are perhaps known not for their best diet,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27hence the deep-fried black pudding and deep-fried Mars Bar,
0:13:27 > 0:13:31but me with a London accent said, "I'll have a kebab, please".
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- Hi, sir.- Hello, can I have a large kebab, please?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Would you like salad with that?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39He went, "Salad?" and I went "No, just meat."
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I thought he was going to kiss me.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I'd suddenly become an honorary Scotsman
0:13:44 > 0:13:47because I pooh-pooh'd the salad.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50We go to Abdul's down Oxford Road in Manchester
0:13:50 > 0:13:55and get a chicken kebab, chicken tikka,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I mean, that other one,
0:13:57 > 0:14:02like an elephant's leg that's had the skin ripped off it,
0:14:02 > 0:14:07Urgh! No! But the chicken one, loads of salad, chillies,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09yogurty sauce thing, great.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13I am one of the few people who will eat a kebab in the day, if it's a decent one.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I discovered, whilst living in Glasgow,
0:14:16 > 0:14:21the joy of the kebab with veggie pakora.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22£5.50.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25That works very well.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27And you can make that last a couple of days
0:14:27 > 0:14:32and the time it spends in the fridge and the microwave merely improve it.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39But don't look too far down your nose at the lowly kebab.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44It wasn't so long ago the Wimpy Bar was the popular palate pleaser.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47It seems even today, we can't shake off
0:14:47 > 0:14:51our yearning for the food of yesteryear.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Prawn cocktails, I love. There's nothing wrong with Marie Rose sauce
0:14:58 > 0:15:01and I'm not talking about putting ketchup in your mayonnaise.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Marie Rose sauce is a specific condiment, it's a superb thing.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09I could eat, I could feast on prawn cocktail and duck a l'orange.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13I like the retro dishes, chicken Kiev, I love it,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17It's quite difficult to make. You ever made it? It's hard work.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I've got very poor taste in food
0:15:19 > 0:15:23so the 70's for me was a wonderful decade, Black Forest gateau
0:15:23 > 0:15:27fake squirty cream, all that kind of thing, that was bang up my street.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30There is your gateau.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Black Forest gateaux, steak and chips, nothing wrong with it,
0:15:35 > 0:15:37moules-frites, mmm superb.
0:15:37 > 0:15:43I like all those retro, simple dishes - steak and kidney pie. Ah!
0:15:43 > 0:15:47My first ever order when I had a job as a waiter in a restaurant
0:15:47 > 0:15:49was a prawn cocktail.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52And, you know, I was new to the job
0:15:52 > 0:15:57and I was hearing food terms I'd not come across before
0:15:57 > 0:15:59and I heard the word cocktail
0:15:59 > 0:16:02and so automatically just went to the bar,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04thinking that a prawn cocktail
0:16:04 > 0:16:09must therefore be some kind of fish-based drink.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12The thing is now, they're going back to good pies.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15They sell it like it's a good thing.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19I saw a poster for a major supermarket on my way here today
0:16:19 > 0:16:24that said "100% pure beef", you know,
0:16:24 > 0:16:29and I thought, "well, yes! That's what goes in a beef pie.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33"What was it before? What was going in there?"
0:16:33 > 0:16:37We used to call them... They even say "100% ground beef", those burger outlets,
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- but you know it's toes, lips and- BLEEP- anus-holes and all that, don't you?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44You just know it's going to be rubbish in there.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Then you want the chopped parsley, it's no good without it.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Where did I see the chopped parsley? I reckon I... It's all right.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52It's in here. Let's have a look.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Here it is, yeah. It's all wet in here.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I'll kill that bloody cat.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05What doesn't go to waste, goes to the waistline.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Whether it's cool or hot, raw or burnt, we'll eat it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:15And the result is, everywhere you look are expanding grumpy guts.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17After all, you are what you eat.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22I have been on every single diet that's known to man,
0:17:22 > 0:17:26even diets I haven't tried, I've known about them.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31It's a load of codswash, dieting. All that misery, for what?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33You could fall under a bus tomorrow.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34I could.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37You wouldn't fit under a bus. It would have to be jacked up.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41I don't really diet, I know people would find that hard to believe
0:17:41 > 0:17:44cos I'm quite lithe, I'm quite svelte.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Although my doctor did recently say that I should diet,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I should watch what I'm eating.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53But I just like to eat what I'm eating.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Just sitting there looking at it, that's no good.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03I start salivating. And when I salivate, stand back.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09There's a lot of diets at the moment
0:18:09 > 0:18:12that are telling us to eat like French women,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16ie evidently French women, the reason they look slim all the time
0:18:16 > 0:18:19is they just have a tiny little bit of chocolate
0:18:19 > 0:18:21and then they put the whole bar back,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24so they're very thin. They're obviously mentally ill though.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29When we aren't being bombarded by commercials for burgers and biscuits
0:18:29 > 0:18:32we're being seduced by the skinny, smiley people
0:18:32 > 0:18:36of the devilish diet industry, a multi-billion pound business
0:18:36 > 0:18:39that promises to reduce our waistline
0:18:39 > 0:18:42but actually just slims down our wallet.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46If you're going to do a fad diet,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49what you read in the magazine will never be what happens.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51It's never going to be what happens.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55What you read in the magazine probably worked on one person,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58once, in 1975 and it's never worked again.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03The Atkins, the cabbage soup, the zone diet, the inzone diet,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06all zone or is that a travelcard?
0:19:08 > 0:19:09So what's the diet?
0:19:09 > 0:19:14What it is you do is, you eat a hard boiled egg before every meal
0:19:14 > 0:19:17and that hard boiled egg actually eats some of the meal for you
0:19:17 > 0:19:20so you lose weight.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24I did once try that cabbage soup diet,
0:19:24 > 0:19:31and that tipped me to the edge of mental illness really.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I mean, you found yourself fixating on the jacket potato
0:19:34 > 0:19:37you are allowed on day 13 or something.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I went on the Atkins diet. I didn't eat carbs for a week.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I nearly fainted when I saw a bowl of crisps
0:19:43 > 0:19:46and I attacked it like a savage animal.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I found these over by the stairs. What are they?
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Love handles. Lots of people lose them taking the stairs instead of the escalator.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59You meet men and they've suddenly just dropped two-and-a-half stone
0:19:59 > 0:20:04or they go on a diet and they immediately lose three stone,
0:20:04 > 0:20:06and you go, "How did you do that?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09"How did you lose all that weight so quickly?" And they go,
0:20:09 > 0:20:13"Oh, I just stopped drinking coffee twice a week,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15"I still drink it the other three days
0:20:15 > 0:20:18"but twice a week I stopped and the weight just dropped off."
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Ronni Ancona, I mean, I don't know if you know her,
0:20:21 > 0:20:25but she will always pretend she's not going to eat something.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28When we went out together she'd say, "Oh, no, I don't want chips,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31"I won't have any chips. You have chips, if you want to.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33"No, you have them, you have the chips."
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Of course, I have chips and what happens? She goes,
0:20:36 > 0:20:37"Can I just have one of your chips?
0:20:37 > 0:20:41"Can I just have another of your...? Can I have another chip?"
0:20:41 > 0:20:44And she'd eat all the chips.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47People who go on these faddy diets are often vilified
0:20:47 > 0:20:51you know, I mean, I prefer to vilify greedy people
0:20:51 > 0:20:54who keep stuffing their faces and sitting next to me
0:20:54 > 0:20:57on planes and things and taking up at least a half of my seat.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I'm only allowed 10 kilos in my bag
0:21:00 > 0:21:04and so's the fat bastard in front of me, you know what I mean?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07He's carrying 20 kilos under his jumper, you know?
0:21:07 > 0:21:12And I go on, Mr Slim and I've got 12.2,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15No, I've got to take a couple of books out me bag. Have I? Yeah.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17What if I stuff them up his jumper?
0:21:17 > 0:21:21This is Captain Patterson speaking, on behalf of Bucketflot airlines
0:21:21 > 0:21:25I would just like to welcome you aboard flight 587 to Greece.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30We should be flying at a altitude of 35,000 feet, but as my co-pilot
0:21:30 > 0:21:35today is Fat Bloke, we probably won't manage more than 15,000 feet.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39So don't have a go at people who are trying to do something about it,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42tackle these great lard arses who just think it's fine
0:21:42 > 0:21:46to eat kebab and chips 14 times a day.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52I remember, as a teenager, kind of, circling Slim Fast in Boots...
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- JAWS THEME - ..as if it had magical properties...
0:21:57 > 0:22:01..and I even bought a tub of it and I kept it under my bed.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05And I would just take it out and look at it
0:22:05 > 0:22:08like it was the ring from Lord Of The Rings.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14This was the solution to all my problems, but if I ever opened it,
0:22:14 > 0:22:18you know, like it was a Pandora's box and all the sorrows
0:22:18 > 0:22:24and woes of the world would come out of this tub of banana Slim Fast.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28It all starts off in your head. You need to look after your head first,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31and everything else will connect.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I'm going to hug a tree now.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38How very hippy, trippy green of you.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43Those veggie, vegan, right on, limp-wristed, lettuce lovers
0:22:43 > 0:22:46seem to be everywhere these days.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50People who just eat fish. Pescatorians.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53They can pescator off in my opinion.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55There may be vegetarians in the room
0:22:55 > 0:22:59when you're even doing something like this, they'll say something.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Normally they'll answer through their food pipe, "You mustn't mock me. We're people too."
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Or if they've got the energy, they'll actually get up!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I've got mates of mine who are vegetarians
0:23:12 > 0:23:16and I always make a special effort when they come round.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20I do, for example, a vegetarian curry, I do some nice pilau rice
0:23:20 > 0:23:24and I'll maybe do a sag aloo, which is spinach and potato
0:23:24 > 0:23:26and to that I'll add a bit of ginger,
0:23:26 > 0:23:31a bit of turmeric, a bit of coriander, some ground cumin, some garam masala
0:23:31 > 0:23:34and then I cook it in lard.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38There is a vegetarian supermarket here in Chorlton
0:23:38 > 0:23:41and I made the mistake of asking one of the staff, who was in fact a...
0:23:41 > 0:23:45They do themselves no favours a dreadlocked granny,
0:23:45 > 0:23:49must be 75, grey dreadlock...
0:23:49 > 0:23:54JAMAICAN ACCENT Dread man, dreaded up there, now. Me say...
0:23:54 > 0:23:59Grey dreadlock, all the way down the back, long one, you know,
0:23:59 > 0:24:03pierced nose, crocs, and rolled up dungarees.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I mean, honestly, you couldn't make it up,
0:24:06 > 0:24:11and I said "Excuse me, I can't seem to find your eggs," and she went,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"We don't sell eggs," and I thought, "My God!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16"It's vegan, it's a vegan shop," so I said,
0:24:16 > 0:24:21"Well, you can keep your garlic cashews then, I'm off," and I walked.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25They don't stock honey, do they? Cos it's stealing from the bees!
0:24:25 > 0:24:30Ah. Stealing from the bees. They're all going to come back in a swarm
0:24:30 > 0:24:32and sting us to death, aren't they?
0:24:32 > 0:24:39Oh, my God! Vegetarians, good luck to you. Vegans, what on Earth?!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I went through the stage of being a vegan
0:24:41 > 0:24:43but purely because I fancied someone who was a vegan.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47I wanted him to think I was cool so I became... I nearly died.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I had beans on toast for two years,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I was about six stone by the end of that relationship.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Vegetarians, what they fail to realise
0:24:55 > 0:25:01is that meat is only a by-product of making shoes and belts.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05What we going to do when we've all made our suede jackets and things?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09You can't just leave, like, I mean, that animal ceases to exist,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12it won't hold itself together cos we've had the skin off it.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16So, you might as well eat that, that's really environmental,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18that's got to be environmentally sound,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21otherwise it will just go ppffff.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22The scotch egg.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26The scotch egg, for me, especially if you're a vegan,
0:25:26 > 0:25:31is there anything more philosophically corrupt for the vegan than the scotch egg,
0:25:31 > 0:25:36which has death on the outside and the potential for life within?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41It seems like every month, some scientist is telling us
0:25:41 > 0:25:45that certain foods are bad for us and certain foods are good.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Well, now they've gone the whole roast hog
0:25:48 > 0:25:52and decided that some foods have superpowers,
0:25:52 > 0:25:57and like lemmings we're all blindly jumping on the superfood bandwagon.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02It's funny, the whole superfood thing,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04they're just great foods to eat.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Fantastic! Avocados, magical. Rub it on your face,
0:26:07 > 0:26:11don't even eat it, rub it on your face. It's wicked for your skin.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13What makes me laugh about superfoods is,
0:26:13 > 0:26:15being Iranian, I've grown up with pomegranates,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18pomegranate is like, the national fruit of Iran,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20and all of a sudden, in this country
0:26:20 > 0:26:26we've discovered the pomegranate and it's sold at exorbitant prices.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33It's just a fruit, all fruit and veg is good for you, eat it and shut up.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Gillian McKeith says it's meant to make you look all shiny and healthy.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Have a look, love.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42The latest thing with superfoods is that you're made to feel bad,
0:26:42 > 0:26:46almost ostracised, if you don't know about...
0:26:46 > 0:26:50"You don't have goji berries and quinoa?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52"Well, you know...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54"die now."
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I want to be committed on the superfood thing but surely
0:26:57 > 0:26:59with superfoods, is it like a super hero?
0:26:59 > 0:27:04Is it like, you can have a small amount of contact with a superfood
0:27:04 > 0:27:05and that will do for the year?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Of course it doesn't work, you know,
0:27:07 > 0:27:11avocados are going to make you run at 60 miles per hour
0:27:11 > 0:27:14and like, if you have some mung beans or something,
0:27:14 > 0:27:19it's going to help you work out the internal angles of a parallelogram?
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Just nonsense.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Finding out that beetroot is really good for you
0:27:25 > 0:27:28can't be any surprise because it's really good for you
0:27:28 > 0:27:30apart from the fact that it's horrible.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33You know, so if you're going to eat something that's horrible,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36it would have to have something going for it, wouldn't it?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40But now we've got all these foods open to us,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42we should be forgetting beetroot, really.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46But it is primarily a female thing, the beetroot.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Men who like beetroot are not to be trusted.
0:27:49 > 0:27:54I'm absolutely off it on acai berry at the moment,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I'm on acerola cherries.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59You getting anything off that acerola cherry?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Mate, that is absolutely great. Do you know what?
0:28:02 > 0:28:05before I came in here I did two of those acai berries
0:28:05 > 0:28:09and they were like, "Just do one, mate" and I was like, "No, I'm going to do two,"
0:28:09 > 0:28:11took them in an innocent smoothie, downed the lot.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I'm having an absolute blinder.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16I love blueberries but I wouldn't go nuts, just, well,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I like nuts, but I wouldn't go blueberries for them. Oh.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21This is a horrible conundrum, we've got into.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22SINGS COUNTDOWN CONUNDRUM MUSIC
0:28:24 > 0:28:27And if you're still hungry after all that,
0:28:27 > 0:28:29get stuffed.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# Burnt, underdone, crude
0:28:32 > 0:28:34# Don't care what it cooks like
0:28:34 > 0:28:37# Just thinking of growing fat
0:28:37 > 0:28:40# Our senses go reeling
0:28:40 > 0:28:43# One moment of knowing that
0:28:43 > 0:28:46# Full up feeling
0:28:46 > 0:28:49# Food, magical food
0:28:49 > 0:28:51# Wonderful food, marvellous food
0:28:51 > 0:28:56# Fabulous food, beautiful food
0:28:56 > 0:29:01# Glorious food! #
0:29:01 > 0:29:03HE BURPS