0:00:02 > 0:00:08I would hate to have to do a proper job, to have to put on a suit everyday, nightmare.
0:00:09 > 0:00:15Work, work, work - it's the four-letter word that we all have to deal with.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20There's got to be better things to do with my time than this.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24And nothing exasperates our state of grumpiness like knowing
0:00:24 > 0:00:29that we are a mere cog in someone else's machine.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32I don't think it can be any more soul destroying.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Whether it's looking for it, commuting to it, actually doing it,
0:00:36 > 0:00:41avoiding it, surviving your colleagues in it, or quitting it,
0:00:41 > 0:00:47when it comes to work, every rung of the career ladder is rotten.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Droning on and just achieving nothing.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Work is the daily grind that takes over our very existence,
0:00:57 > 0:01:02absorbs all our time and deprives us of the simple joys in life.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07All that, so we can be paid a pittance to make some other bugger rich.
0:01:16 > 0:01:23Cast your mind back, to those wonderfully naive pre-grumpy days.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27We all had dreams and aspirations of greatness, where work would fulfil us
0:01:27 > 0:01:32as a person, enriching our lives, making us healthy, wealthy and wise.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38Until one depressing day, you wake up and realise that, instead,
0:01:38 > 0:01:44you're trapped in a career cul-de-sac that's making you miserable, poor and brain dead.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48When I was at school, I wanted to be a footballer first of all.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I was going to be a ballet dancer
0:01:52 > 0:01:59and I was totally the wrong shape, the wrong height and the wrong...everything.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Train driver,
0:02:01 > 0:02:06fireman, policeman, for a while, spaceman.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Then I wanted to be a tennis player.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12I wanted to be an actress and a part-time vet.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17That was a very realistic ambition at the age of seven.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21No, I wanted to be a cricketer, really. I was brought up in a place with no facilities
0:02:21 > 0:02:27and the school didn't really bother about it and I often think,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30if I'd been brought up in a place where the school took it seriously
0:02:30 > 0:02:34and I'd been coached properly and everything, I'd still have been shit.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37According to my school reports
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I was going to go into something medical,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I fancied myself as a bit of a doctor or something like that.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45When I was very young, I did want to be a performer
0:02:45 > 0:02:48and I was a dreadful show-off and I was desperate
0:02:48 > 0:02:51to go to drama school and I even would sleepwalk about it
0:02:51 > 0:02:55and I'd go into my parents' room saying, "Please, let me go to drama school."
0:02:55 > 0:03:00I was brought up in a kids' home system as well, so I didn't want to... If you bragged about
0:03:00 > 0:03:02wanting to be an actor, it wasn't good.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06That's time to go and have a chat with the social worker because you've got to get real.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11I knew I'd end up doing a turn, as Les Dawson said, you know,
0:03:11 > 0:03:15I knew I'd end up being some sort of, you know, artiste.
0:03:15 > 0:03:21I've got a blank spot about my career from sort of the ages of 12-18, really,
0:03:21 > 0:03:26which roughly coincides with me being a fundamentalist Christian, but that's a whole other show.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I really wanted to be a ballet dancer, I wanted that to be my job,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I went to ballet classes and I really, really practised.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I thought I was quite good.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39And I got an audition at the Royal Ballet School.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45And my mum and dad drove me all the way to London for this audition
0:03:45 > 0:03:48and when I got out of the car and opened the boot
0:03:48 > 0:03:49I had forgotten my kit!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I'd left it at home.
0:03:51 > 0:03:57So I had to borrow the kit of one of the ballet students who was 10 years older than me.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59So the tights were all baggy, I didn't have a hair net,
0:03:59 > 0:04:04just a hair band and baggy old leotard, huge great big ballet shoes that didn't fit me.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Big puffy, swollen eyes cos I had been crying,
0:04:07 > 0:04:11big orange squash mark here because I'd been drinking orange squash all the way in the car.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Didn't get in. Can't imagine why(!)
0:04:18 > 0:04:23I had two jobs I quite fancied, astronaut and poet.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29There didn't seem to be a NASA recruitment office in Bolton.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31They didn't have a branch office there,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34so that made it tricky. I didn't quite know where to go.
0:04:34 > 0:04:41I went on a school trip to Jodrell Bank and looked for possible recruitment opportunities there.
0:04:41 > 0:04:47There didn't seem to be any, although I did buy a map of the surface of the moon.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48My mum wanted me to be...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I never knew where this came from. I need to ask her, actually.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53She wanted me to be a barrister,
0:04:53 > 0:04:57like, she'd obviously just read it somewhere, but she'd got that word
0:04:57 > 0:05:00so that's what I thought I wanted to be, was a barrister.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04I mean, how unlikely? Brimsdown Avenue, Enfield,
0:05:04 > 0:05:08"I'm not being funny, but I think I want to be a barrister and that."
0:05:08 > 0:05:12I thought it was called barrister "and that" for about three years.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14"You should become a barrister and that."
0:05:14 > 0:05:17So I thought that was the name of the job. Barrister AND THAT.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21But it wasn't, it was just bad diction.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23My dream job is what I'm doing
0:05:23 > 0:05:25because it takes me around the world
0:05:25 > 0:05:28and I can be miserable in other countries.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32That's all very well for some, but in reality the dread
0:05:32 > 0:05:37of Monday morning looms over us from the moment we finish the Sunday roast,
0:05:37 > 0:05:41downed the last soothing glass of red, and realise
0:05:41 > 0:05:44that there's only a few hours left to the dreaded alarm clock.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47OK, it's 5.00.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50That means that I've got to be in bed for about 10.30
0:05:50 > 0:05:53because I've got to get on a really packed train at 7.15,
0:05:53 > 0:05:57with loads of smelly people, and then I've got to get off
0:05:57 > 0:06:02that train and people are going to be bumping into me and not saying please and thank you and sorry,
0:06:02 > 0:06:06and then I get to work and hate the bloke who I work with, hate all the people around me,
0:06:06 > 0:06:10they're going to hate me, then I'm going to go to an overpriced place for lunch,
0:06:10 > 0:06:14that'll cost me seven quid for a cup of coffee because the Colombian
0:06:14 > 0:06:20beans have been rubbed between the testicles of a forest squirrel from Bolivia or somewhere like that.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38ALARM RINGS
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Oh, no, here we go again.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Do we work to live, or live to work? That's the question.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57And the answer is, don't ask such stupid questions.
0:06:57 > 0:07:03Work is a means to an end, whether you're in the boardroom, or just bored.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Hours turn into days, days turn into weeks, all spent
0:07:07 > 0:07:14dreaming of doing something else, anything else, if only you could earn enough money to live the dream.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Which you can't.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18And therein lies the nightmare.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I don't know how people can do office jobs.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26It's hard enough sitting in an office anyway, sometimes
0:07:26 > 0:07:31when I have to, for various meetings, work and that kind of stuff.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I don't understand the protocols that go with offices either or how they work.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Everyone tries to make them happy, lovely, wonderful places to be,
0:07:39 > 0:07:44you know, but basically it's pushing a pen and answering a phone, isn't it?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48I don't think it could be any more soul destroying.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Do you know what I don't like about offices?
0:07:56 > 0:08:01The people you spend the day working with, some of them don't even look up to say good morning to you.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05You'd go in "Hi", what kind of weirdo says hello in the morning?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I have got to quite like mixing with people a bit,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11for a long time I tried to shut myself away in a little room on my own.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15You know, I mean, open-plan environment, I viewed
0:08:15 > 0:08:17with the greatest of suspicion, really
0:08:17 > 0:08:20and I was right because it became
0:08:20 > 0:08:25the call centre, you know, which has got to be about the most terrifying prospect, hasn't it?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Good morning, Grattan speaking. Do you wish to place an order?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Sell, sell, sell, push, push, push.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Being hassled by hustlers is a horror we can't seem to escape.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42You want to talk to your bank manager in Manchester.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Hello, I'd like to speak to the bank manager, please.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48But are redirected to dispute with a man in Mumbai.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51No, can I speak to the manager, please?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Your mobile rings, and some spotty kid wants
0:08:55 > 0:09:00to upgrade it for you even though you've only just learned how it works.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Can you put me through? I'm not interested in that service.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Or you're dragged out of the bath by a computerised voice that wants to consolidate
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- the debts that buying the new gadgets caused in the first place.- Hello?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Hello?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Leave us alone, if we haven't asked for it, we don't want it.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19No, no, right. Do not put me on hold again.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23And even if we did, we can't bloody afford it.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- Not that they care. - Please, hang up and try again.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31The one job I hated the most was telesales
0:09:31 > 0:09:37because it was the '80s and it was the new age of greed,
0:09:37 > 0:09:41and you were rewarded for as many rubbish things you could sell on the telephone.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Hello, sir, how are you today? Can I interest you in a free mobile phone?
0:09:45 > 0:09:50Well, if I did shove it up there, it would still get excellent reception.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55And it would be hugely competitive to get to the top of the list.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I was talking to a bloke who worked in a call centre and he said
0:09:57 > 0:10:03the manager would get up every sort of five or ten minutes and go, "Calls!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05"Come on, there are calls!"
0:10:06 > 0:10:10I mean, that's no different from someone who might have written
0:10:10 > 0:10:16200 years ago about, I don't know, a stocking weavers' factory, "Come on!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19"There's stockings to be weaved!" How is that any different?
0:10:19 > 0:10:24And you get these poor old people that pick up the phone and say "I might have just a little
0:10:24 > 0:10:26"bit of money left in my pension.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29"Let me go and get my pension book," and you'd be like that,
0:10:29 > 0:10:33"I don't think I can do this, but it's my commission,"
0:10:33 > 0:10:36and then you carry on trying to sell them these blooming fluorescent lights
0:10:36 > 0:10:38that they're never going to use
0:10:38 > 0:10:41and don't need, they've only got £2.70 in their Post Office accounts.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45So I did that for about three weeks and I felt so awful about myself that I had to leave.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Come along, we're not here to slack! Get weaving, get weaving! Come on!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51'I had one of yous fellas on the phone the other day.'
0:10:51 > 0:10:52I'm sorry?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55'I was telling Irene "That bloke's been calling back again." '
0:10:55 > 0:10:59I can't understand a word you are saying. Does anyone there speak English?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03This telesales firm insisted that when you had sold something
0:11:03 > 0:11:07because you would call them back to do the transaction, you have to stand up
0:11:07 > 0:11:11in the room and go "Qualification, Alistair".
0:11:11 > 0:11:15And everyone was supposed to applaud in the middle of their phone calls
0:11:15 > 0:11:21and then if you completed the sale you stand up and go, "Verification, Alistair", and they go "Right".
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Pretending to be American, it's the most embarrassing thing I have ever had to do.
0:11:24 > 0:11:31Nothing produces grumpiness faster than the dawning realisation that work will never get any better.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40This mundane, moronic, monotonous existence is all there is.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Everything is the same, the same commute, the same tasks, the same old faces,
0:11:46 > 0:11:51and the fact is you've got about 11,000 days until you retire.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It's a 40-year sentence.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Morning.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58And you don't even get time off for good behaviour.
0:12:00 > 0:12:06I mean, an eight-hour working day ought, really, if you are coming in about 9.30.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10you kind of crank up and get started about 10.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Afternoon.
0:12:12 > 0:12:18Bit of a coffee break at 11.15, then 12.00, you start thinking about lunch.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22So you probably put a good steady couple of hours in in the morning.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26If you've got an hour for lunch you probably stretch that by quarter of an hour either side.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Then in the afternoon, you might get up to speed again about two.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32About 4.00, you're thinking, "Mmm, that'll do it."
0:12:32 > 0:12:35So four hours of an eight-hour day,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I think that's a very fair shift.
0:12:37 > 0:12:43The marvellous trick that they play in lots and lots of office jobs is they convince you
0:12:43 > 0:12:47that you are doing something important and you know deep down it's pointless.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50On the first day, they take you around and go,
0:12:50 > 0:12:56"Now, this is very, very important, this job that you've got.
0:12:56 > 0:13:04"Now, what we want you to do is every morning, you see, Jim comes in with the newspapers
0:13:04 > 0:13:07"and you have to collect all of the newspapers off him,
0:13:07 > 0:13:12"and lay them out in front of you here and then, very, very important,
0:13:12 > 0:13:17"what we want you to do is to colour in the Os.
0:13:17 > 0:13:24"Don't do the noughts on the sports page obviously, that's ridiculous, just the Os and have them done
0:13:24 > 0:13:28"as quickly as you can and do that every day."
0:13:28 > 0:13:35And there'll be some old bloke who has been there 30 years doing this, "Ooh, it's like a madhouse in here,
0:13:35 > 0:13:42"you know. We were in here until half past eight one night."
0:13:42 > 0:13:46"Why was that?" "There was a big article about Yoko Ono going to Orinoco."
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I remember saying "What's that lady's name?" and this bloke goes, "I don't know."
0:13:50 > 0:13:58Your desk is two away from her desk, how can you not know this other human being's name?
0:13:58 > 0:14:06That's what I find really difficult about offices, but I would walk in and they wouldn't say good morning.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Or, like, I'd say leave and say goodbye, and they would be,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13"I'm not your mum, I don't care if you're leaving."
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Spending every working minute with the same idiots and psychopaths
0:14:18 > 0:14:23inevitably leads to resentment, annoyance and fevered frustration.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Small release, however, can be found in office relations
0:14:27 > 0:14:33whether it be just banter or, for your more cantankerous colleagues, a bit of full-on ridicule.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37He put my stapler inside a jelly again.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41It's the third time he's done it, and it wasn't even funny the first time.
0:14:41 > 0:14:47I was sent by the gorgeous Sister O'Neill, she was a fantastic nurse, she was the ward sister.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52She sent me down to another ward to go and get some fallopian tubes.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57But it was better than that, because the woman who she had sent me down to get the fallopian tubes
0:14:57 > 0:15:01had actually had hers removed and she was in on the joke.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04So when I went down, I said Sister O'Neill has sent me down
0:15:04 > 0:15:08for some fallopian tubes she just said, "Sorry, I haven't got any."
0:15:08 > 0:15:14I went back and I said... Sister Blossom, that was actually her surname, isn't that beautiful?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17"Sister Blossom doesn't have any fallopian tubes,"
0:15:17 > 0:15:20and she just went, "I know" and she carried on drinking her tea.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22The two of them must have had such a great laugh.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Soon comes a time when us grumpies realise that work
0:15:26 > 0:15:28would be a hell of a lot easier
0:15:28 > 0:15:35if we dragged ourselves up the greasy pole and escaped the plebs that surround us.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38After all being boss is far more fun.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42Sitting back in your comfy chair, in your own private office, enjoying the fact
0:15:42 > 0:15:48that when it comes to barking out orders, it's always better to give than to receive.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Always!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I am getting really pissed off here.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54That's the problem with this country.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58You give someone a hat or a jacket and all of a sudden, they're Hitler.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01If you've got one, I'm bloody having one!
0:16:01 > 0:16:07Well, we've seen the prime example of Ricky Gervais's style, his take on The Office,
0:16:07 > 0:16:12it was absolutely brilliant, because it can be painful, really painful, being in those places.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15"Thank you, David, for the opportunity and continued support
0:16:15 > 0:16:18"in the work-related arena, but I've done that,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"I want to better myself, I want to move on"
0:16:20 > 0:16:25then I can make that dream come true to AKA for you.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Yeah, I've had my fair share of David Brents, definitely.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Sammy, you old slag, it's the Brentmeister General.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35That sort of thing of wanting to be your friend, but also
0:16:35 > 0:16:40not being quite sure HOW to be your friend, and then wanting to pull rank at the last minute.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I mean, I've probably been guilty of that several times.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46The very first job I had in a factory was packing sausage rolls
0:16:46 > 0:16:48on a line and all you were doing is this.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I thought "I don't want to do that all night." It was a night shift.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54So you make it interesting for yourself, see how fast you can go.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56So I was thinking "I can do this quite quickly."
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I can do it one handed, I can do this.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03And then I got pulled aside by one of the foremen, and he said,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06"Can you not work so quickly?" I said, "What?"
0:17:06 > 0:17:11He said "If you work as fast as that, we've all got to work as fast as that, and if they know
0:17:11 > 0:17:14"we can work as fast as that, they'll make us work as fast as that,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16"and we don't want to work as fast as that.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19"So don't work as fast as that."
0:17:19 > 0:17:21KNOCK AT DOOR
0:17:21 > 0:17:26One, two, three, four, make them sweat outside the door.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31Five, six, seven, eight, always pays to make them wait.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Nine, ten, 11, 12... Come!
0:17:34 > 0:17:42I didn't really like being told what to do by someone I thought was a bit stupid, really.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- CJ. I wanted to see you.- I'll come straight to the point. I didn't get to where I am today by waffling.
0:17:46 > 0:17:52We all got gathered around for a bit of a powwow.
0:17:52 > 0:17:57"Powwow" was the word he used, OK, not me, don't judge me.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01He said, "We need to have a bit of a powwow.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"This mug...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06"with Simon written on it..."
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I've changed the name, his name was really Paul.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14"This mug has got my name on it...why?
0:18:14 > 0:18:18"Because it's MY MUG, that's right.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21"It's not rocket science. It's my mug.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25"So when you are making yourself a cup of tea or coffee
0:18:25 > 0:18:30"and you see this mug, with my name on it,
0:18:30 > 0:18:31"don't use it.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36"Understood?" He should have been locked up.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40He should have been taken away from other people.
0:18:40 > 0:18:47We all had to take our cup in, our own cup and this boss thought he was being funny.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49He had this little joke.
0:18:49 > 0:18:55Every time he went down to wash his coffee cup in the sink,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58he'd say, "I'm just going over to wash my thing."
0:19:00 > 0:19:04And I used to sit there
0:19:04 > 0:19:08and just think, "I'd love one day to get up and go,
0:19:08 > 0:19:13"Just going down to wash my thing," and then walk over and get my knob out and scrub it with a brillo pad.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"There you are."
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I have worked for people who I disagreed with strongly
0:19:18 > 0:19:24and I've worked with people who weren't great fans of mine,
0:19:24 > 0:19:29but funnily enough I never really had a problem with that.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32There are many days when I'm not a great fan of mine anyway.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37It's really interesting as an actor you have different kinds of bosses,
0:19:37 > 0:19:41you have directors, you have producers,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43it depends where you work and how you work.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Yeah, I've had a variety of interesting male bosses
0:19:48 > 0:19:53throughout the years, one whose name I won't mention
0:19:53 > 0:19:57wondered whether I'd like to go for a drive in his Bentley.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Ever since women tied themselves to railings and got the vote,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03there's been no stopping them.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07In the good old days, the ladies sat in the typing pool
0:20:07 > 0:20:08and took dictation,
0:20:08 > 0:20:13or occasionally took on the more important jobs, like making the tea.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16But these days they're taking over everywhere,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19from the bedroom to the boardroom.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20I'm not stupid.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25I think the best boss is the closest you can get to a female personality.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Ideally an actual woman.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31They are just better to work for and have running a place,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34because, when they need to, and I've seen it all the time.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37The times I've been dumped in a relationship,
0:20:37 > 0:20:41and had strings of snot hanging down to my shoes and been begging,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45"Please, I love you, just touch it one last time before you go."
0:20:45 > 0:20:49We've all been there, but the women I have worked for,
0:20:49 > 0:20:53if they have to, and you do need it, can just go, ping!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55And switch it off and be totally focused.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Whereas I think most men when it comes to it can be sort of
0:20:59 > 0:21:03manipulated into weakness, most of us. Not all of us.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08But at the same time, especially in a creative profession you are better off working for a woman as well.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I've found women better to work for.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Also, I get turned on by being ordered about as well.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17"Please, tell me what I'm supposed to do next.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20"Please, can I take my lunch?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22"You cruel bitch."
0:21:22 > 0:21:28So, if you have to sit trapped at your desk
0:21:28 > 0:21:31for hours on end, bored by your job, annoyed by your colleagues
0:21:31 > 0:21:36and infuriated by the boss, at least there's always the perks.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Wherever I've worked the stationery cupboard is a free for all.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51Particularly if you work somewhere with a well-known name.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Oh, my God! I used to steal BBC headed paper,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58if someone had annoyed me, you know, like a TV rental company
0:21:58 > 0:22:00or something like that.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04I would pretend I was writing from Watchdog
0:22:04 > 0:22:08and I'd fire off a letter on BBC headed paper.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16We had this scheme whereby there was a company
0:22:16 > 0:22:19that had a whole fleet of lorries and they used to come in
0:22:19 > 0:22:22to get petrol from the garage me and me mate worked in.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26So we put 30 gallons of diesel in the lorry,
0:22:26 > 0:22:30but they had an account, you just wrote down how much they had.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35So they would say, "Stick us down for 32 gallons."
0:22:35 > 0:22:40And their company would be charged at the end of the month for whatever we had written down.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43So if we put down 32 gallons when they had only had 30,
0:22:43 > 0:22:47the garage was obviously two gallons in credit.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52So we would take that out of the till, whatever the monetary equivalent of two gallons was,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54and we'd share it between me, my mate the and driver.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57But of course, it went they way of all fiddles,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59which is that people get greedy,
0:22:59 > 0:23:05so you'd get lorry drivers come in and say, "Stick 10 in, put us down for 50"
0:23:05 > 0:23:06and things like that, you know?
0:23:06 > 0:23:11People get greedy. We used to say, "One of them will bring in a mate
0:23:11 > 0:23:16"soon, with an aeroplane, put half a gallon in, stick us down for 700."
0:23:18 > 0:23:24The only perk of the job, if you can call it that, are the hours spent silently suppressing your attraction
0:23:24 > 0:23:26to someone else in the office.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Hello.- Hello, how are you?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33If you are going to do a job that you don't particularly like,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37what gets you through the day is your office crush, your work crush.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- Can I help at all? - That would be nice.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47You have to have that one person that kind of brightens up your day
0:23:47 > 0:23:50when you have a little chat with them
0:23:50 > 0:23:53or walks into a room, and that turns into mild obsession,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56and then perhaps extra marital affairs.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05Is every man horny at work?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Team drinks on Friday?
0:24:07 > 0:24:08That would be nice.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Shagging in the office is a risky strategy. Normally you have to wait.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18A good time is if you were banging the office secretary.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Obviously, you've have last lock up at the Christmas party.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25You could do her in the stock cupboard. Or him.
0:24:25 > 0:24:31But other people bravely try to sneak in a bit of shagging when the office is up and running.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Obviously it's much more thrilling.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38However, the one mistake I did make was...
0:24:38 > 0:24:41You know when you kind of think you are going to get away with it
0:24:41 > 0:24:44and you have the office to yourself.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46We'd started, things had got out of hand
0:24:46 > 0:24:50in one room, but where the passion had taken over, we'd ended up,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52we'd gone through to another room.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Naked, now. Not thinking we are separate from our clothes.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Of course, they'd walked into the room where the clothes are and now we are in a room with nothing.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04No cushions. You start doing the space invader where you are both nude.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Just going, "Ahhhh, we've got nothing!"
0:25:07 > 0:25:11All you've got, in the end, when the door opens and you are caught,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13is what I call the white arse get out.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Where you can just put your arse to the door,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17and say, "Get out, give us a minute, get out!"
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Ben, is there any chance you can give me a hand please?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Yes, yes, certainly.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32There was actually a bit of scientific research done on rats.
0:25:32 > 0:25:40And apparently a right will have sex with his rat female and then he will roll over and go to sleep.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43But if you put another rat in there,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45he'll attempt to have sex again
0:25:45 > 0:25:49and if you change that female again, he'd have sex again.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54He actually have sex with every change of rat female until he was all shagged out and dead.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06Sometimes in my head, having known this scientifically,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I think of that kind of thing that gerbils run on.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12You know, that's an office for me.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I've got the folder for you there.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Smooth.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25It's horrible. Especially the men,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28they are like those aphids that try and do it before the mayfly.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32All the agency men, when the new girl starts in the copywriting department.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33You seem them, all doing that.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37The next morning, the ones who didn't mate, just like that, with their wings broken like that.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39"I had to finish the night with a hand shandy."
0:26:43 > 0:26:46You may only want to get up close and personal with Sally from accounts,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49but those jargon-spouting bozos upstairs
0:26:49 > 0:26:52want to bond all of you as a team.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Resulting in large amounts of money being spent forcing you
0:26:58 > 0:27:03to play childish games with people you've seen quite enough of in the actual work place.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Now there's all these bonding schemes, isn't there?
0:27:09 > 0:27:13And these management consultancy people that put out this stuff,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16we're all going away for the weekend and doing paintballing and that.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18You'd see a different side of me away from work.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Just you wait till the paintball.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27And they think, "Jolly good, and everyone's coming together
0:27:27 > 0:27:31"and I think it's really helped to create a camaraderie."
0:27:31 > 0:27:34They even have a meeting at the end of it and go,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37"Well, what did we learn from this?"
0:27:37 > 0:27:38I've heard it can be quite dangerous.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I've heard that your testicles, if you have them,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43can become quite inflamed.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46If they, you know, get caught in the crossfire.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Everyone has to put up their hand and go, "Well, I learnt that
0:27:49 > 0:27:53"if you fire a paintball and your mate warns you
0:27:53 > 0:27:57"that someone's over there, yes, that all helps."
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Of course they don't realise that as soon as they've gone everyone goes,
0:28:01 > 0:28:06"Wanker, wasted my whole weekend.
0:28:06 > 0:28:11"I was going to go to the football but I had to come to this shit.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15"Never again, I'm just going to make out I've got a kidney illness or something next time."
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# Working nine to five
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# What a way to make a living
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Barely getting by
0:28:22 > 0:28:25# It's all taking and no giving
0:28:25 > 0:28:30# They just use your mind and you never get the credit
0:28:30 > 0:28:35# It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it
0:28:35 > 0:28:39# Nine to five What a way to make a living
0:28:39 > 0:28:44# Barely getting by It's all taking and no giving
0:28:44 > 0:28:48# They just use your mind and you never get the credit
0:28:48 > 0:28:51# It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it. #