0:00:04 > 0:00:05Love a bit of food, me.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08I'm lucky, because I can eat and eat and not put a pound on.
0:00:08 > 0:00:14Food, we know it's essential to our existence and so do those who provide it.
0:00:14 > 0:00:20They've got us over a barrel, making us gastronomically grumpy and food furious.
0:00:20 > 0:00:26If you go to a seafood restaurant, what have they done with it? Boiled it. Well, well done, you.
0:00:26 > 0:00:31Whether they be restaurateurs, supermarkets or wine makers, they all agree on one thing...
0:00:33 > 0:00:35..we've got to pay through the nose.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39It makes us sick and we're ready to bite back.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I saw a poster for a major supermarket that said
0:00:43 > 0:00:45"100% pure beef", you know,
0:00:45 > 0:00:50and I thought, "Well, yes! That's what goes in a beef pie.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52"What was it before?"
0:00:52 > 0:00:56With rising prices, more plastic packaging, five-a-day fever,
0:00:56 > 0:01:01celebrity chefs and cleverly marketed superhero superfoods,
0:01:01 > 0:01:07it's hardly surprising that we're left with that bitter aftertaste.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09I don't know where this five-a-day thing came from.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12It think it's bullshit that just got made up by green grocers.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16From rationing to roly-poly rotund fatties in 50 years,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20we've had enough and we're not going to swallow any more.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I don't want someone at home to serve me like Gregg Wallace and go,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26"We cooked this for ya, you'd better like it, or we'll send the boys round."
0:01:35 > 0:01:39One thing guaranteed to get us Grumpies groaning
0:01:39 > 0:01:43is how those supermarkets ravage towns all across the UK.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Transforming quaint little places
0:01:47 > 0:01:52into nothing more than roundabouts and car parks.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55It's a love-hate thing going on with supermarkets,
0:01:55 > 0:02:00because they put up these massive, giant, hangar-like places
0:02:00 > 0:02:04and fill them full of nicely attractive polished up food.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10And things don't get any easier when you enter the culinary coliseum.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14There's simply too much choice.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Do we really need 1,000 different breakfast cereals?
0:02:18 > 0:02:23And then it's a battle of conscience over cost.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25The carbon footprint, the sell-by date,
0:02:25 > 0:02:29air miles, plastic packaging.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30it's a ruddy minefield.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38You get into this dilemma, where you think, the Kenyan fine bean.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40It's flown in from Kenya, it's beautiful.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43The sugar snap pea, flown in from Kenya, it's beautiful.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46We don't have them over here, there isn't an alternative.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48But you think, if I don't buy them
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I'm affecting Kenyan farmers who are making a lot of money out of that
0:02:51 > 0:02:55but the irrigation is taking a lot of water out of Kenya.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59I'm like, I don't really care, you know, carbon footprint to me,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02the only carbon involved in my life is when I overcook me dinner.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05It's a nightmare, constantly trying to juggle things.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Are air miles or packaging more important?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11If it's come from Israel, it's probably tastier
0:03:11 > 0:03:14than if it's come from Southend.
0:03:14 > 0:03:20I don't like the fact that I have to be the entire world's conscience
0:03:20 > 0:03:22when I'm just trying to get a bit of dinner.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Sell-by dates themselves are this constant tease of like,
0:03:25 > 0:03:26"do you believe me?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29"Are you going to go past me? What do you think?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31"If you eat me after this date you might get botulism,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33"but are you big enough to take the risk?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37"Come on, try me, it's only two days since I expired, what do you think?
0:03:37 > 0:03:42"Three days is pushing it, but two? You want that, don't you? Come on."
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Of course, if the supermarket leaves you bamboozled,
0:03:45 > 0:03:48with its row upon row of products,
0:03:48 > 0:03:52you could always pop on your wellies and hunt out a farmers market...
0:03:53 > 0:03:59..where, supposedly, everything is nicer, tastier, organic, free range,
0:03:59 > 0:04:03and has had a happy fulfilling life. And costs the earth.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I mean, you're actually paying for the earth.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Being a bit of a foodie, I do try and source, you know,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14good, organic, local, I always think,
0:04:14 > 0:04:19provenance-based goods to cook with, but they are few and far between.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23I mean, I love the local farmers market I go to in Ally Pally,
0:04:23 > 0:04:27but honestly, you need to re-mortgage before you go up there.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30If I go to the farm shop up the road from us,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33known locally as the £50 shop.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37It's like, no matter what you buy, it seems to come to around £50.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I'm not really into this farmers market stuff. The only time you'd find me at one
0:04:44 > 0:04:46is if there was a kebab shop and snooker table.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51The difference between that and a French market, unbelievable.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54French markets are farmers who come with their produce,
0:04:54 > 0:04:55the same as they do in England,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58and it's cheaper than the supermarkets.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00It's cheaper, it's better, it's fresher.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03And they come along with their wares and their chattels
0:05:03 > 0:05:07and all covered in the usual crap, and mud
0:05:07 > 0:05:11and like, things crawling out of it to give it that extra authenticity.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15In England, farmer's markets are only made for the aristocracy.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20You've got to go down in your roller and wear your finery.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Nibble on bits of cheese and go away with a 40-pound chicken,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26and not in weight, by the way,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29that's how much it costs you for a chicken for two people.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Because it's got cow poo on, it's twice the price.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37It's got cow poo on, it's from the farmers market. Then I don't mind paying £20 for it.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Here's an apple, it's covered in bird poo but it's from the farmers market.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44If it's covered in poo, pay twice the price.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Not for me.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Kebab and chips, please, Mr Farmer.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56And now I'm on to THE perfect red wine.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03And nothing shows how cultured or classy you are as a fine wine.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Mm!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07But can any of us really tell the difference
0:06:07 > 0:06:10between a bottle of plonk or a fine pinot noir?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14That is just wall to wall fruit.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I think it's always nice to start off with something quite,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22you know, maybe over the £10 mark, even.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Oh!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26But then, after that, I can't taste it.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I just, I don't really...
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I know there's going to be people watching this,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35especially my family, going, "Oh, why are you so common?"
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Sorry.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Mmm. Urgh.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43It's like oranges, almost like orange boxes too, pencil shavings.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I don't tend to pay more than a fiver for a bottle of wine,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I've been lucky enough to be in a posh restaurant now and again
0:06:49 > 0:06:51and you see bottles for £40, £50.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I genuinely can't taste the difference.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56And when people say, "you just don't have a mature palate",
0:06:56 > 0:06:58it's like, "No, I don't have a mature wallet."
0:06:58 > 0:07:02It's like a great pile of grapefruits and lemons
0:07:02 > 0:07:05all fresh cut and heaped together.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07If you were in a Chinese restaurant and by mistake
0:07:07 > 0:07:12you drank the finger bowl with those flowers in it, it's like that.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I was on holiday with some of my friends and we had themed nights,
0:07:15 > 0:07:21and I chose the '70s as my theme and we had a bottle of Blue Nun.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I thought it was lovely.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Are you laughing?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28It's as though someone has taken
0:07:28 > 0:07:35an entire spice cupboard and hurled it into a vat of perfumed bath oil.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42The wine industry, because that's what it is, essentially, now,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45is a con, along with all the rest of the culinary nonsense.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48You get these experts on television and they're going,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52"Oh, yes, do you know what it's got? It's got a very arrogant bouquet."
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Arrogant bouquet.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58You get nettles, you know, the sort of taste of the smell and you also get new mown hay.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00It's a bottle of wine, get over it.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Some people can tell, you know, its fruitiness,
0:08:03 > 0:08:07and they can tell the year and they can tell the acidity
0:08:07 > 0:08:12at which the vineyard cultivated the grapes...
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I can't tell that, but I can sort of tell
0:08:15 > 0:08:17if the bottle's been open and left for a day and a half
0:08:17 > 0:08:21before a glass has been poured in because it's a bit like diesel.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I do get so frustrated with these people who go on about wine, particularly.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29"It's not good. Oh, it's got a good head, it's got a good body..."
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Either it tastes like vinegar or it's quite nice.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34That's all you need to know.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Something of everything there,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39apples rotting in an old school desk,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42a dart board on fire near a toothpick farm,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45a newt on holiday in Tangiers. What did you think, Oz?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I love you.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Going out for a meal can be more catastrophic than gastronomic.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56For a start, the waiters are supposed to wait on us
0:08:56 > 0:08:59but often leave us doing all the waiting.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02And when they do decide to grace us with their presence
0:09:02 > 0:09:05they peer down their noses at us,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09giving us that look that says "The customer is always...
0:09:09 > 0:09:12"a right pain in the neck."
0:09:12 > 0:09:17And in return for being made to feel that you're inconveniencing their evening,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19they want a tip!?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21The British, we can be in a restaurant
0:09:21 > 0:09:29and get the most abysmal food and service and the whole evening,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I've been out to dinner with friends,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34where almost the whole evening was talking about
0:09:34 > 0:09:37"Oh, look at that. Have you seen...? Oh. Look at the under side of that."
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Waiter comes along and says, "Everything OK?"
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- "Lovely thank you..." - SHE MOUTHS
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Could you make me a Waldorf salad?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- A Wa...- Waldorf salad.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I think we've just out of waldorfs.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59Whereas an American, they will order like, a tuna salad,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02a tuna and tomato salad and always off the carte.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07- Just go out there and see if he knows how to fix me a Waldorf salad. - Of course, yes.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I've got that real English thing about me,
0:10:09 > 0:10:13that if it says on the receipt you've got to leave a tip,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17I'll leave it because I've been told that I've got to do it, so I better do it
0:10:17 > 0:10:20even if they've been rubbish I'll still do it, you know.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I love this discretionary service charge,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27discretionary service charge which isn't discretionary
0:10:27 > 0:10:30because it's already been added to your bill,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33sort of, metaphorically, you've got a gun to your head.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37I've only ever once had them remove it though, I did once.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41The service was so awful, that I actually quite relished
0:10:41 > 0:10:45when the bill came and the service charge was on, saying,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49"Can you bring that bill back without the service charge, please?"
0:10:49 > 0:10:53and they didn't even, they couldn't even go, "Why?"
0:10:53 > 0:10:57They were like, "All right, fair do's, yeah, you've got a point there".
0:10:57 > 0:10:59And then, it depends, tipping.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02You do it in England if you're told to do it,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04you do it in America whatever,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07you don't do it there because it's rude.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08It's all too much for me, really.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I can never really get my head round it.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Having worked as a waiter, I have more sympathy.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I love it when you see a new waiter
0:11:15 > 0:11:19who doesn't know what they're doing and I see a bit of myself in them
0:11:19 > 0:11:21and I feel a lot of sympathy for them.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I think a lot of the service is very good but, erm,
0:11:24 > 0:11:28how am I going to say this without seeming like a Daily Mail reader?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32The relationship you have with your waiter can really make or break a meal.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34It's great when you can talk and joke with them.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37What happens more often is you talk to them
0:11:37 > 0:11:41and they don't speak any English except being able to take your order.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- Excuse me.- Yes?- We've been waiting here for half an hour, now,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I mean, I gave the waiter our order.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Oh, him, he's hopeless, isn't he? - I don't wish to complain
0:11:50 > 0:11:52but when he does bring something it's wrong.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54You think I don't know?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I mean, you only have to eat here, we have to live with it.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I had to pay his fare all the way from Barcelona
0:11:59 > 0:12:01but you can't get the staff. It's a nightmare!
0:12:01 > 0:12:05It's kind of true that if you can't communicate as to what you want,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08the experience is gone and I find it very difficult
0:12:08 > 0:12:11when you ask for something and they bring you something else...
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I'd better not get into that.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Actually, old boy, the form is that you catch the waitress's eye.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Look, I'll show you.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I went to a Michelin-starred place in Dublin once
0:12:24 > 0:12:27and the staff were incredibly snooty.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34And there was a thing that they had done wrong, basically...
0:12:39 > 0:12:41..and I had a legitimate complaint.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Waitress!
0:12:44 > 0:12:48And I kept trying to make it and the guy kept talking over me, you know
0:12:48 > 0:12:53and eventually I would go, "OK, why don't you stop talking and then you'll know what my problem is?"
0:12:53 > 0:12:57you know, I actually said. And it's quite gratifying to learn
0:12:57 > 0:13:00that because of the recession, that place has closed down.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I was very pleased to hear that.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I can't stand surly waiters and waitresses and they come down, like,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08like this, with the knife and fork.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11"Can I have some salt and pepper, please?" Salt and pepper.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14You see them gather in the centre of the restaurant going,
0:13:14 > 0:13:19"Did you see them at table 3?" They're having a good time and you go, "Excuse me".
0:13:19 > 0:13:20I just want to slap them.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24It seems that every time you turn on the telly,
0:13:24 > 0:13:28there's a new chef jumping on the celebrity chef band wagon...
0:13:30 > 0:13:35..from Sophie Dahl, who never got model-thin eating what she cooks,
0:13:35 > 0:13:41to foul-mouthed Ramsay, who made a fortune f-ing and blinding across our screens.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43You, shut it, OK? Back in your corner.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Listen to what's going on.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Celebrity chefs in general, they're overpaid and they're over here.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I've not got into the whole cooking programme thing,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57which is a bummer for me cos there's nothing else on TV.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58It's all about cooking.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Antony Worrall Thompson!
0:14:01 > 0:14:07Celebrity chefs, I think should all be lined up and shot.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10That's pukka, well sexy, you know what I mean? Beautiful, nice.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13You'll be laggered by the end of this meal. Beautiful.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I'm done, mate. Have a nice sleep, pukka.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Celebrity chefs always seem to be on some crusade,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22telling us stuff we already know,
0:14:22 > 0:14:29all for some ruddy book or to endorse their new kitchen utensil.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Give us a break! A fork will forking do just as good a job.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Ready, steady, cook!
0:14:36 > 0:14:41What, it's been 10 years now that we've been putting up with Ramsay
0:14:41 > 0:14:45and Oliver and Nigella, and what's she about?
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Every week it's melons and bananas. You tell me, all right?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52She should just do it topless and just get it over and done with.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54That's my opinion, you know.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Well, it's my fantasy, really.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05..Smells so heavenly and my oranges, they are bobbing about.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I wouldn't actually eat any food from Nigella
0:15:08 > 0:15:10even though her recipes are great -
0:15:10 > 0:15:13the fact that she'd have licked her fingers
0:15:13 > 0:15:17all the way through the preparation of my food. No. No.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I only saw Nigella's programme for the first time recently.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23It looked like someone doing an impersonation
0:15:23 > 0:15:26of Ronni Ancona doing an impersonation of Nigella Lawson.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I have here chopped onions.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Hot bacon.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31- Spring onions.- Cold turkey.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- Summer- onions, some aren't onions.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35White bread.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- And there we have it.- Cut.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Nigella, I think we caught a bit of the wand in shot.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Did we? Oh, look, I'm so sorry.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50She'd open her fridge and she goes, "Look." She'd take out a bag
0:15:50 > 0:15:55and say, "I always have these frozen wolf nipple chips.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58"You just don't know when you're going to... They're so useful!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01"Always keep a bag of these because you don't know
0:16:01 > 0:16:05"when you're going to use them. How easy is that?" What?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08The thing about this time of year - you want to have your friends over,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11you want to be hospitable, you want to have a party
0:16:11 > 0:16:14and yet it can be a complete nightmare.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15I do know that.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18The thing I find a bit weird about Nigella Lawson is that
0:16:18 > 0:16:22she's always talking about how she hasn't got time to cook anything.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27So the food has to be really great to eat but, above all, easy on me.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29So, she'll always be saying,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32"Right, I need to make a meal for six tonight,
0:16:32 > 0:16:36"but I'm too busy to do it, so here are my cheats."
0:16:36 > 0:16:39And I just think, "What does Nigella think she does for a living?"
0:16:39 > 0:16:44What is she too busy doing to cook?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Is there a whole other fantasy career that Nigella Lawson has,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49that we don't know about,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52that means she doesn't have time to cook the meals
0:16:52 > 0:16:55for her TV cookery show? I don't understand.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59It's your job to cook it. Where are you off to?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03They're all chefs now. Sophie Dahl, which is pretty handy,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06cos her surname is the name of an Indian side dish,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08so that's quite clever really.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Jamie- Olive-er,- no, don't work, really, does it?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19I do quite like Jamie Oliver, I do like Jamie Oliver.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22There's something nice, rugged and sweet about him.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Rosy cheeks, lovely pretty wife and cute kids.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Mmm, thank you very much.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Good on you, mate.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Let's have a little taste. Blinding, pukka.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Quite like that.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Sweeeet.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42I had a great love of food before I went on MasterChef.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46These celebrities are all passionate about food.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48You've got the chefs, there, with their arms folded
0:17:48 > 0:17:51taking it all far too seriously.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54We're looking for that exceptional cooking star.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I didn't like MasterChef.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Someone who's more than just a good home cook.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03"Food does not get any more serious than this".
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Someone with that extra something special.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09"This is the moment of truth".
0:18:14 > 0:18:17It's not the moment of truth, it's a cake!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19How far can you go on MasterChef?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I'd like to go very far, all the way to the end. Bye-bye.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24What I found most stressful about doing MasterChef,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27here's a bit of behind the scenes for you,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29is the fact that there's no food behind the scenes.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33So, if I was crying it was because I was hungry,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35not because I was stressed out.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36I was just hungry.
0:18:36 > 0:18:43The celebrity chefs that I don't like are the ones that do the bullying thing
0:18:43 > 0:18:47and to me it's such a manufactured ill temper,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51it's like watching those wrestlers on Sunday morning when you're a kid,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54"Waa!" and they're all jumping on each other's head
0:18:54 > 0:18:58and doing moves that, if they were real, the other person would be dead.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01My pudding is similar to a traditional Christmas pudding in many ways.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06It looks great, it's full of naughty ingredients and can be made in advance,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08but is easier to make and much lighter.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I guess it's a bit like a Christmas present -
0:19:11 > 0:19:12the wrapping looks great
0:19:12 > 0:19:15and when you open it there's a wonderful surprise inside.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16That's shit!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Ramsey's a bit of an individual case,
0:19:18 > 0:19:23he was a kind of meticulous, you know, top international chef
0:19:23 > 0:19:27who has dubious people skills.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29You're going to think I'm a right arsehole.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33I've watched his thing recently, for the first time
0:19:33 > 0:19:36and there are all these people who want to be chefs
0:19:36 > 0:19:40and people come in to have dinner and can see through to the kitchen,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42and he's screaming at them all!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- I can't just think about one- BLEEP- table.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46"You call that a starter?"
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Move down, you- BLEEP- doughnut.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51"If that had come out of my arse, I'd be ashamed."
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- Oh, for- BLEEP- sake.
0:19:53 > 0:19:58"Get out, you scum, you're worthless! You're worse than a centipede!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00"Lay down on the floor and be trodden on,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03"you stinking, filthy, despicable moron."
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- I don't want- BLEEP- 33 customers refusing to pay for the main course.
0:20:06 > 0:20:12I've sort of, for want of a better word, been in TV for 15 years or so
0:20:12 > 0:20:15and I was always told you're not supposed to swear.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- All I want is 50 customers served 50 souffles and 50- BLEEP- bills paid.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23I sound like such an old man, but when someone comes along and goes
0:20:23 > 0:20:26"He's a chef but he swears!"
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Right, that's an interesting twist on cookery.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34"Get out, get out of my sight! I hope you're stabbed to death,"
0:20:34 > 0:20:37and like, I think, if I was sort of,
0:20:37 > 0:20:41if I was at that place, I'd think, "Ooh, I'm going somewhere else."
0:20:41 > 0:20:45I don't care if the starter is a little bit cold
0:20:45 > 0:20:46or something's not right,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49but I do care that in order to make this starter
0:20:49 > 0:20:51seven people have been murdered.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54His books are the most complicated books on Earth,
0:20:54 > 0:20:58I mean, I tried to follow, I'm very good at making scrambled eggs
0:20:58 > 0:21:00and I tried to follow his recipe.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03They weren't as good as mine and it took nearly an hour.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I wonder how many suicides are caused by this,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I wonder how many piles of corpses at the bottom of Beachy Head
0:21:09 > 0:21:12have been created because people have thought,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15"I tried to get my cupcake the same as Nigella's
0:21:15 > 0:21:19"but I just couldn't get the icing to stay level".
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Gordon Ramsay. I've never watched one of his programmes all the way through
0:21:23 > 0:21:29- because I can't- BLEEP- bear - BLEEP- people who- BLEEP- swear all the- BLEEP- time.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Today it seems that everyone's allergic to something
0:21:34 > 0:21:38and things that used to be bad manners like bloating and wind
0:21:38 > 0:21:41are now all blamed on an allergic reaction.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47I'm intolerant of people who are intolerant.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50They come round and ask, "Has that got air in it?"
0:21:50 > 0:21:53And you're like, "Yeah, it's a sponge cake."
0:21:56 > 0:22:01"Yeah, but has that air been passed over a cashew nut
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"at any point in the last millennium?"
0:22:04 > 0:22:06And you're like, "Not sure." "No, I can't have it."
0:22:08 > 0:22:12"Have you got any anti-histamine just in case?" I'm like, "Get out!"
0:22:12 > 0:22:16And then there's the wheat allergies, dairy intolerance
0:22:16 > 0:22:19and monosodium glutamate phobia.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Remember how, as a child, you had an imaginary friend?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Well, now you're grown-up, you can have an imaginary illness.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30There was an experiment done recently on a programme that I saw,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32not that I watch much TV, it sounds like I do,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35where they had someone, a bunch of people who said,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38"I always have a reaction to MSG, monosodium glutamate,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40"an allergic reaction, no, I can't!"
0:22:40 > 0:22:44So this particular chef took them out to a Chinese restaurant.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48They said, "Oh, no, they all use MSG, we're going to blow up and burst" and all this,
0:22:48 > 0:22:52and they gave them all this food, chicken fried this,
0:22:52 > 0:22:56noodle fried that and some nasi goreng or whatever,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58and they all munch away and go,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01"Oh, it's happening, I'm getting the tightening of the head,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04"no, I can feel it, I'm getting all headachy.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07"Oh, no, no, I can't. I need to eat some fresh food.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10"Water, is there some water to wash away this MSG?"
0:23:10 > 0:23:12None of the food had MSG in it.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14They were all just bullshitters.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19And then they took the same bunch of people to an Italian restaurant
0:23:19 > 0:23:23where they loved the food and then told them it was packed with MSG.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27You know. Any headaches now? No, they didn't suffer at all.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Chris Rock has a great routine about that, about how much food...
0:23:32 > 0:23:36"Do you think there's anyone in Rwanda with a lactose intolerance?"
0:23:36 > 0:23:41It does seem slightly strange that it's only, sort of, chubby
0:23:41 > 0:23:44white, western people who seem to have all these food allergies
0:23:44 > 0:23:47and a lot of them are always fat, as well, aren't they?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50"Do you think I want to eat cakes? Let me tell you, I don't, babe.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52"I would love to be eating vegetables
0:23:52 > 0:23:54"but if I eat 'em, I come out in this rash.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58"It's really...disgusting... Why don't men like me?"
0:24:01 > 0:24:04My first girlfriend had a nut allergy
0:24:04 > 0:24:06but I don't really want to go into that.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09People are looking for something to blame,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11whereas what's to blame is they're fat and lazy
0:24:11 > 0:24:13and drink and eat too much.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16It's nothing to do with these intolerances, you know.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19It's just, they want to stuff their faces but want something...
0:24:19 > 0:24:23then they feel dreadful and want it to be the fault of some food group.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26It's not, it's the fault of you, you greedy git.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- My boss.- Sorry? - She has to have brown bread. She's got Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Oh, that's just become a status symbol, that has.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I get annoyed when people say, "I can't eat bread,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39"I don't want bread," or, "Bread's bad for you!"
0:24:39 > 0:24:41When was bread...? It's in the Bible, daily bread,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44it's always been good for us. Why's bread suddenly this evil?
0:24:44 > 0:24:50Irritable Bowel Syndrome! What happened to flatulence by the way?
0:24:50 > 0:24:54I think it is the same people who say "Cats shouldn't have milk."
0:24:54 > 0:24:57You think, cats want milk! If they see milk, they have it!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59That's got to say something, surely?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Genetic evolution over thousands of years.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05If the cat didn't want the milk, if it wasn't good for him,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08he wouldn't have it. If bread wasn't good for us...
0:25:08 > 0:25:11"Oh, no, bread makes you feel very bloated, you can't have bread, no."
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Those clever scientists who firstly sold us the dairy allergy
0:25:18 > 0:25:21are now cashing in with the cure,
0:25:21 > 0:25:24selling us those little bottles of magic
0:25:24 > 0:25:26that make our tummies all better and smiley.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32What the heck is friendly bacteria?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Does it like, call you up about 9.00 and say,
0:25:34 > 0:25:38"Do you want to come out for a pint, son? You've had a long day."
0:25:38 > 0:25:43Friendly bacteria? What is that, I don't know?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I don't know about it.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49God knows what friendly bacteria is.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52You mean L. casei Immunitas?
0:25:52 > 0:25:53L. casei Immunitas?
0:25:53 > 0:25:57I'm afraid not, that's a planet in Dr Who, wasn't it?
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Bifidus Digestivum.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Kind of an acidophilus base?
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Basilius made-up-ium?
0:26:02 > 0:26:08What is this invented bullshit that they've...? L. casei Immunitas?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11It's like, shampoos are no better,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14they are full of stuff like boswellocks and rejenium.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16What is that?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22There's only so much friendly bacteria can do.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I'm not saying it doesn't work because I drink it daily,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28but I think sometimes we rush to make false correlations,
0:26:28 > 0:26:34so the already healthy middle class people start drinking bacteria and have quite good health,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36whereas it would be quite interesting
0:26:36 > 0:26:39to feed them to 16-stone Terrys, Garys and Leannes.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Could you imagine that tiny bacteria?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44"Look, I'm here to try and help you, mate,
0:26:44 > 0:26:48"but there's only so much I can do, you fat bastard".
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Not since drinking bottled water has there been,
0:26:52 > 0:26:56not since that was marketed to us, has the idea of...
0:26:56 > 0:26:57You can imagine that meeting.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00"Right, we're going to teach people to drink bacteria."
0:27:00 > 0:27:02"How we going to sell them on that?"
0:27:02 > 0:27:06"By telling them that there's good bacteria and bad bacteria."
0:27:06 > 0:27:08"OK, we'll give it a whirl."
0:27:08 > 0:27:10And they managed it. I say, hats off!
0:27:10 > 0:27:14There are all kinds of natural things you can put into your body
0:27:14 > 0:27:16which force reactions and things.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20I'm a bit suspicious about them, because "Yakult"?
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Cult!
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I do know about friendly bacteria, actually,
0:27:27 > 0:27:32because it helps break down naughty bacteria that are in your body. We're full of them.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37Saliva has got friendly bacteria in it but you wouldn't want to rub it in your wounds, would you?
0:27:37 > 0:27:43Your stomach contents need friendly bacteria to help digest food,
0:27:43 > 0:27:47it will prevent pumpy smells. You've got friendly bacteria in your colon.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49You know where your colon is, don't you?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I mean, it's just above your Secombe
0:27:51 > 0:27:55and you don't want to go down there either, small intestine, Secombe,
0:27:55 > 0:27:56colon full of friendly bacteria,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59all the little fusillis, all full of it,
0:27:59 > 0:28:00breaking down your food for you
0:28:00 > 0:28:03into various compartments and departments
0:28:03 > 0:28:05so that you can then enjoy your life. They're good.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07And if you're still hungry after all that,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10get stuffed.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13# Food, glorious food
0:28:13 > 0:28:15# Don't care what it looks like
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# Burnt, underdone, crude
0:28:18 > 0:28:21# Don't care what the cook's like
0:28:21 > 0:28:24# Just thinking of growing fat
0:28:24 > 0:28:27# Our senses go reeling
0:28:27 > 0:28:30# One moment of knowing that
0:28:30 > 0:28:33# Full up feeling
0:28:33 > 0:28:35# Food, magical food
0:28:35 > 0:28:38# Wonderful food, marvellous food
0:28:38 > 0:28:43# Fabulous food, beautiful food
0:28:43 > 0:28:48# Glorious food! #
0:28:48 > 0:28:50HE BURPS