0:00:08 > 0:00:16If you're one of the over 40 million drivers living in the UK today, well, you have my deepest sympathy.
0:00:16 > 0:00:23I honestly think it's like some Kafka-esque nightmare.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26We don't indicate in London, it's uncool to indicate in London.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30We don't want people to know we are going. We want it to be a surprise.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31- BEEP - Whoa!
0:00:31 > 0:00:36If you can afford the lessons, the vehicle, the insurance,
0:00:36 > 0:00:41the road tax, the upkeep and the continually rising cost of fuel,
0:00:41 > 0:00:45well, you might just be lucky to make it to the end of your street,
0:00:45 > 0:00:51and then straight into the giant traffic jams that are Britain's roads today.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Driving in England isn't really like driving, because you are
0:00:56 > 0:00:57generally just in one giant queue.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03It is not helping anything. It's not making you fit,
0:01:03 > 0:01:04it's not making you healthy, it's not making you happy.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07After all, the automobile is nothing but a cash cow,
0:01:07 > 0:01:12milking us all dry from the moment we decide to slap on the L-plates.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Congestion charge schmeshtion charge!
0:01:16 > 0:01:24In fact, everything to do with driving drives us crazy, grinds our gears and makes us see red.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26"Get out the way! What's the matter with you?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28"You could get a bus through there, you idiot!"
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Karl Benz has a lot to answer for.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42When he invented the car back in 1885,
0:01:42 > 0:01:47he also invented the previously unknown side effect we now call "road rage".
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Car travel is like sitting in your own personal space.
0:01:54 > 0:01:59You can lock all the doors, close all your windows - you're safest of all.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03That is, of course, until someone else cuts you up.
0:02:03 > 0:02:10Then, all of a sudden, you are a car-driving caveman, a 21st-Century troglodyte,
0:02:10 > 0:02:14a cursing, swearing, gesticulating ball of anger.
0:02:14 > 0:02:20Your territory has been invaded and, suddenly, the air, like the traffic lights, turns red.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Hell is other people, and hell is other drivers.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27So, driving is hell.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Bus drivers - arseholes.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Minicabs. - Massive four by fours in town.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Fricking rickshaws get on my nerves. - The ditherers.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I hate you people, I hate you.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Shopmobility, those things.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44If I had to pick one group, I would say the worst are the Post Office van drivers.
0:02:44 > 0:02:51Post Office workers, when the gates open and they come out like bees - but like bees whose nest is on fire.
0:02:51 > 0:02:58They don't care, they drive like they are in dodgems. They just don't care.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Road rage is a very odd thing.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I don't know why, just because somebody
0:03:03 > 0:03:09manoeuvres slightly incorrectly, or does something which inconveniences you for perhaps a couple of seconds.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11You know all the...
0:03:11 > 0:03:13How does it elevate from that to that?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"Get out of my bloody way, you useless..."
0:03:16 > 0:03:22I have rage, I do get angry, I have got out of my car
0:03:22 > 0:03:26on a couple of occasions, but when I realised it was
0:03:26 > 0:03:33an elderly man, who looked quite frail, I sort of went..."Ooooh".
0:03:38 > 0:03:41You stupid cow!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44We drive on the left-hand side!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51It is really embarrassing when the skinny guy who uses
0:03:51 > 0:03:57straighteners gets road rage because it's all the more pathetic. I almost wrote off my first car.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I lost my temper, and pulled the manual gear stick
0:04:00 > 0:04:04and pulled the gears out through the engine and broke the gearbox when I lost my temper.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I've ripped a sun visor off.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10"You shouldn't be allowed to drive!"
0:04:10 > 0:04:16I have become a really, really awful person. There is no doubt about it.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20I have become incredibly violent and my language is very bad.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I have to be careful now, because I've got a young child in the back.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Just at that age when they might start picking stuff up, so I can't do my usual language.
0:04:28 > 0:04:35But yeah, I've become, I can take quite a lot, I think, but if I'm pushed too far, I'll have a go.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36"Argh!"
0:04:36 > 0:04:41I do shouting, swearing, I'll do the finger.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42I'll do...
0:04:44 > 0:04:50I do like as you're driving away, the gesture between the headrests, in silhouette.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I think that's quite cool.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55"You... Gggggrrrr!"
0:04:55 > 0:04:58An angry motorist is a bad motorist.
0:04:58 > 0:05:06- Yes... An angry motorist is a bad motorist.- Right.
0:05:06 > 0:05:12- Right. And a happy motorist is a good motorist.- Splendid!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I've actually had, I was on Dartmouth Park Hill, which is just
0:05:15 > 0:05:22off Highgate Hill, during rush hour, the traffic was awful and we were driving down and there was one guy,
0:05:22 > 0:05:27it was very tight and very narrow, and as he drew up parallel to me, I said, "You know, you could
0:05:27 > 0:05:32"have waited a couple of minutes there and we would all have been sailing sweetly down here."
0:05:32 > 0:05:36He jumps out of his window, into my car and got hold of me round the neck.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Did you beep?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Ummm, yes, sorry.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Why? Why? Why?!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Ummmm, Gary?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50I've got a crowbar in the back. I'm going to bring it over and shove it through your window.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53It's a good job I had a bunch of boys in the car with me.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54They all started laying into him,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56as I am sure he would have killed me.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06That's road rage. And I had merely pointed out that he was a terrible driver.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11That terrible thing when you catch up with the driver and you haven't planned what you are going to do.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15It's like, "I've caught you up!" Then just drive off again.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16"I could of decked him, babe".
0:06:16 > 0:06:18HORNS BEEP
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Come on, you. - HORN BEEPS
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Men are quite good at ruining the whole day just because of a driving experience.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29You'll be getting ready for a party, it's been a really nice evening, and then is a traffic jam
0:06:29 > 0:06:31on the North Circular and the man will be going,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35"Oh, for Christ's sake, the whole evening is completely f'd up!"
0:06:35 > 0:06:39And then he'll carry that anger with him for the whole evening and make sure it ruins
0:06:39 > 0:06:44the whole evening, whereas the woman normally, I am making a massive stereotype here, but a good one,
0:06:44 > 0:06:51the women will go, "Look, we got there on time, OK? We're at the party, it doesn't matter."
0:06:51 > 0:06:54And the man will be, "Because I've slightly gone into a temper,
0:06:54 > 0:06:59"I will now hang onto it and ruin your entire evening, all right?"
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Motorists are being asked to be more courteous to each other.
0:07:02 > 0:07:08The RAC and the Polite Society say road rage is causing an increasing number of accidents.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15I am unequivocally, ideologically speaking,
0:07:15 > 0:07:20completely and utterly opposed to capital punishment.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24However, there is one exception,
0:07:24 > 0:07:29which is these people who you pull over to let them come past,
0:07:29 > 0:07:33when there's not room for two cars, and they go by and they don't even say "Thanks".
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I'd hang those bastards.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Sometime I think, when people know they are doing a sneaky pull out, they don't indicate,
0:07:39 > 0:07:43because if they indicate, you will say, "No, I don't think so!"
0:07:43 > 0:07:47And you'll close the gap. So I can understand why people do things like that.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51But on a narrow street, you stop and you let someone go, wave. If you don't wave at me,
0:07:51 > 0:07:56I feel like reversing in their way and keying their car.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01I wouldn't hesitate, just as the trap door was going...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07.."That's all it took".
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Honestly, I've wound down my window and gone, "Where's my wave?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"Wave, you ignorant bastard!"
0:08:14 > 0:08:15That's all it takes.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18That's it, that's all I ask for.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20And it's very important.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29Cast your mind back to when cycling was a pleasurable pastime.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Weaving through country lanes, feeling the fresh air on your face
0:08:32 > 0:08:38and trustingly leaving your bike against a pub wall whilst enjoying half a cider.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Today, cycling is more like a white-knuckle ride,
0:08:48 > 0:08:52with lyrca-clad loonies zipping in between lorry-laden lanes,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55jumping red lights, cycling on the pavement.
0:08:55 > 0:09:01They simply have no regard for us fossil-fuelled folk who actually pay road tax.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06# I want to ride my bike I want to ride my bicycle
0:09:06 > 0:09:11# I want to ride it where I like. #
0:09:11 > 0:09:15I think cyclists should be taxed like the rest of us.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19And if they jump a red light, we should be allowed to tazer them.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23If I've jumped a red light, I've always gone by the book.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27I've gotten off the bike, and pushed it through the red light, and gotten back on it again.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31"You can't touch me, copper, I know the rules."
0:09:31 > 0:09:35I can't stand it when cyclists jump red lights and getting off the bike
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and walking through the red light and then getting back on it,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40that is still jumping it.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45I just love the way that they've got this rule - red lights, not for them.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49"No, no, no, we're on two wheels. That's different. Kind of. Sort of."
0:09:49 > 0:09:52# Don't stop me now. #
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I said, calm down, or I will nick you, all right?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- I've come to go to work... - I said, calm down.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03I spent a long time as a cyclist, because I didn't have a driver's licence.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I pretended it was for environmental reasons, but it was just because
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I hadn't bothered my arse to get a driving licence.
0:10:09 > 0:10:15So I sympathise with the cyclist, but, you know, some do take the piss.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17This whole, treat them like a small car.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Well, act like you're driving a small car.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Small cars don't go across zebra crossings.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33We recycle all our food for the chickens, we do this, we do that,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36but I cannot stand cyclists on the road. Get in a car.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- Sound your horn. - There's no need. It's to turn right.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44For the cyclist. Don't just go tearing past and surprise him.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Let him know we're coming. Sound your horn.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50HORN BEEPS
0:10:50 > 0:10:56They are so horrendous, they're awful. They come banging on your windscreen. You know, "Get out!"
0:10:56 > 0:10:58It's like "Get out of the road.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00"Look at the size of my car, look at your bike.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05"One of us is going to win and it's not going to be you, so take your lycra shorts and get out".
0:11:10 > 0:11:14We've invested all our hard-earned cash on a flash new motor,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17but it isn't long before something goes wrong.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Something always goes wrong.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25The local grease monkey will confirm the diagnosis and then work out a price,
0:11:25 > 0:11:32by thinking of a number, doubling it, adding VAT and then laughing up his proverbial sleeve.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34ENGINE COUGHS
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Doh! You vicious bastard!
0:11:40 > 0:11:44There is always that worry of bringing your car to the mechanic.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45The stereotypical...
0:11:45 > 0:11:49is that intake of breath, isn't it? "Phhhhwwww."
0:11:49 > 0:11:54- Phhhhwwww.- Phhhhwwww. Phhhhwwww.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58- Phhhhwwww.- Phhhhwwww.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03- Yeah, yeah.- It will cost you.
0:12:03 > 0:12:10Normally, they just fold their hands and go, "Eeh, Shobna what you been doing?"
0:12:17 > 0:12:22I don't have any experience of mechanics, but I do know a good trick.
0:12:22 > 0:12:28If you are a woman, and you have any dealings with mechanics, plumbers, anything like that,
0:12:28 > 0:12:34what you do, is you tell them that your dad is a mechanic, and he usually sorts out your car,
0:12:34 > 0:12:39but he's on holiday at the moment. And then they don't treat you like you're an idiot
0:12:39 > 0:12:43who doesn't know she's being charged through the roof for a bit of spit and polish.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Here, come and look at this.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- What?- This, look...
0:12:55 > 0:13:01It's all changed, cars now have kind of computers, you've no idea what's going on.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06Your average mechanic probably could fix it, but it's got to be hooked up
0:13:06 > 0:13:14to the right kind of computer, which again is just a way of them charging you whatever they say it is.
0:13:14 > 0:13:20There have been times, as a woman, when I go, "You are talking to me like I'm an idiot."
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Oh, blimey, there's a bald tyre here.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Oh, yeah, well, never mind, the other three are all right, we'll have them.
0:13:28 > 0:13:34Do you know what I think is horrible about cars made in the last
0:13:34 > 0:13:39five or six years, is all the computerised beeping it does at you.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I want to smash the thing when it does that.
0:13:42 > 0:13:50My one beeps for about eight different reasons every time you turn the ignition on. I cringe, I cringe.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I'd rather it bloody played Dido at me.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Well, don't say I didn't warn you!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I've laid it on the line to you time and time again!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Right, this is it, I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I took this car in because a light was up, right?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20And the local garage guy I usually deal with said, "I can't fix this,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23"because it needs to be hooked up to a diagnostic computer",
0:14:23 > 0:14:27which is a word they've just made up, it doesn't mean anything, you know.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33And I took this car in and he said, "What's wrong with it?"
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I said, "It's stopped."
0:14:35 > 0:14:38And he said, "Well, do you know anything more than that"
0:14:38 > 0:14:40And I said "That's what I'm here."
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I hate it. You turn it on... "Beep!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45"Service now".
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I decide when it needs a service, not you!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52"Beep". Oil. A little oil thing comes up
0:14:52 > 0:14:56and you can fill it with oil, you could spray oil, you could put it in,
0:14:56 > 0:15:02you could get one of BP's leaks and shove the car over the top of it
0:15:02 > 0:15:07so it was awash with oil, and you'd turn on the ignition and it would go, "Beep - oil".
0:15:07 > 0:15:10There is no amount of oil that will satisfy it.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I think it was £70 an hour diagnostics.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18I don't know whether that's expensive diagnostics or cheap diagnostics.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I don't even know what diagnostics are, so it's very difficult for me to judge.
0:15:21 > 0:15:27And I phoned him back and he's like "Oh, it's been on an hour and a bit and the faults not come up yet."
0:15:27 > 0:15:33And I said, "You're telling me I'm paying you £70 an hour and you still don't know what it is."
0:15:33 > 0:15:40I didn't know what the fault was when I brought it here, and now I am £70 worse off
0:15:40 > 0:15:43"and we still don't know what's wrong with it".
0:15:43 > 0:15:48Something else, beep, brake pads, beep, I need a wash,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52beep, I don't like you, I want a different driver, beep,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55beep, beep,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57beep, you've smashed my dashboard.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Just a hundred things it's telling you off about.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10When we were little boys zipping around our Scalextrix set,
0:16:10 > 0:16:14there were no restrictions to our racing pleasure.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Now, us wannabe Lewis Hamiltons can't creep and inch
0:16:21 > 0:16:25over the speed limit without someone taking our mug shot.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30I've got a point for going at,
0:16:30 > 0:16:35watch my lips, 37 miles per hour.
0:16:35 > 0:16:43I will admit, I've already got three points and I've only been driving for two years, so...
0:16:43 > 0:16:49No! Wrong, wrong! Not 37 - 33 miles an hour.
0:16:49 > 0:16:5433 miles an hour. I've got three points.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03They should turn those cameras off at night. There's no traffic, it shouldn't matter.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Yeah, it was the middle of the day, and there was plenty of traffic.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10We must have all been done. I was only going the same speed as everyone else.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14After I got the points, they switched the speed cameras off.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19You know some points for when you've only just gone over, you know, you weren't doing 70, you were
0:17:19 > 0:17:25maybe doing 34 miles an hour, but technically they can get you, that's just irritating when that happens.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I defy anyone to make me move any quicker.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30HORN BEEPS
0:17:33 > 0:17:37You see, I told you, it's going too fast again.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41The French decided, to a man, when they were putting
0:17:41 > 0:17:45speed cameras in, that they'd go out and smash them all up, and they did.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50And so they put them all back in, they went back again the next week, and smashed them all again.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Vive La France!
0:17:51 > 0:17:55They tried to introduce them in America. There's a masked man,
0:17:55 > 0:18:03like a superhero, goes round with an angle grinder...and they don't know who he is. Good luck to you, mate!
0:18:07 > 0:18:13As a driver, you fantasise of miles and miles of open road, a ribbon of highway that
0:18:13 > 0:18:16caresses its way through the beautiful British countryside.
0:18:16 > 0:18:22And to that end, the motorway was constructed and the fantasy became a reality.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33But that soon turned into a ruddy nightmare, as every other bugger
0:18:33 > 0:18:35decided they wanted to use the new superhighway, too.
0:18:42 > 0:18:48Now we spend wasted hours creeping along bumper to bumper, hour after hour, getting nowhere fast.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Oh, God...almighty!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Driving in England isn't really like driving, because you are
0:18:57 > 0:19:02generally just in one giant queue, and that goes from
0:19:02 > 0:19:08Wandsworth to just north of Birmingham and then
0:19:08 > 0:19:11you might be able to get to fourth gear when you get past Birmingham.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15If you've got a fifth gear in your car you might hit it near Scotland.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19It's like one giant traffic jam, England.
0:19:19 > 0:19:24I always say, for a really super bank holiday treat,
0:19:24 > 0:19:28you've got to go a long way to beat four and a half hours staring up a horse's bottom.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35The thing about motorways is that they seem to close them all the time.
0:19:35 > 0:19:41You know, anytime someone looses a wheel nut or something, they close about three lanes.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44You know, it's like... I think we're all reasonable people.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49You know there's going to be traffic jams some of the time, but if you queue and queue and queue
0:19:49 > 0:19:54and you get past it, and it's on the other side and everyone has slowed down to have a look.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I want a proper accident to justify my waiting time.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02I don't expect to see, you know, a Vauxhall Chevette in the middle lane that's got
0:20:02 > 0:20:06a wing mirror knocked off and they close the whole motorway for that.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11They close them all the time. When I was a kid, you whizzed past scenes of absolute carnage.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Oh, God.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19You start to think,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22"Am I ever going to get to where I'm going?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25"Am I maybe going to spend the rest of my life here?"
0:20:25 > 0:20:28You know, a bit like prisoners must think when they've done about
0:20:28 > 0:20:35ten years and there is no hint of parole or remission or anything.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36And you think,
0:20:36 > 0:20:42"I suppose I am just going to have to come to terms with the fact that this is my life now."
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I wish I was dead.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46I wish you were dead.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Then I'd get some peace.
0:20:54 > 0:21:00The thing that really bugs me about motorways now is people who will not shift out of the middle lane.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Two-thirds of the motorway has never been used because they are all over here.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Get over there. I feel weird if I'm in the middle, you know.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12And there not always, kind of, old people drive in the middle lane a lot.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15I don't know why, because they were all taught not to.
0:21:15 > 0:21:21What is wrong with pulling over, you know, people don't seem to want to go into any gaps.
0:21:21 > 0:21:27In France, they love a gap. They go in there. In England...
0:21:27 > 0:21:31OK, you know, if you want to go 75 or 80 miles an hour, I know it's illegal.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35But then you've got Mr Jobsworth Dickhead in the car in front
0:21:35 > 0:21:40who only wants to go at 70 miles an hour and so everyone must go at 70 miles an hour.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Even though the lorry he's trying to overtake is a mile ahead.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47They should be shot, those people.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51# This ain't no technological breakdown
0:21:53 > 0:21:59# Oh, no, this is the road to hell. #
0:21:59 > 0:22:04What gets to me, is sometimes if you are driving along in the middle lane and there's nothing on the road,
0:22:04 > 0:22:09you get one of those guys who comes up on the inside lane and sits behind you and then goes
0:22:09 > 0:22:13round you, and then deliberately goes back into the inside lane, as if to prove a point.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16This is what you are supposed to be doing.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20I get really, "Yeah, very good, I should been in the inside lane, thank you for the demo."
0:22:20 > 0:22:24They want to show you how proficient they are at driving, so they start
0:22:24 > 0:22:27in that lane, then they'll go out, then they go in again, they go out.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30In the meantime, you are like that in the car, you feel sick,
0:22:30 > 0:22:34the picnic's spilt. It's a nightmare, the baby's crying,
0:22:34 > 0:22:39poo everywhere. Just because they want to show you how brilliant they are at swerving in and out.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Just stay in the middle lane, doesn't matter.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44If someone wants to overtake, they can go that way or that way.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48What annoys me is when people go straight into the inside lane,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51straight into the middle lane and then straight onto the outside lane.
0:22:51 > 0:22:56And they tend to use that slip road as some sort of launch pad.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59They don't want to judge the speed of it, at all.
0:22:59 > 0:23:05I want a police car right there, right then and then I want them arrested immediately,
0:23:05 > 0:23:12taken to a studio, a TV studio and I want them flogged live, by Noel Edmonds in a gimp suit.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18It's an amazing invention.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Sat there on the dashboard is a contraption that
0:23:22 > 0:23:25triangulates beams from three satellites orbiting the Earth
0:23:25 > 0:23:30to pinpoint your exact position and then tells you where to go,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32which is usually from here to nowhere.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40I've programmed the TomTom to direct us to where my cousin lives.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43'After 50 yards, turn right.'
0:23:43 > 0:23:46'In 50 yards, turn right.'
0:23:47 > 0:23:49'Turn right.'
0:23:51 > 0:23:55IMITATES ALEC GUINNESS: 'I'm the Obi-Wan Kenobi one. The force will be with you.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59'Take the second exit at the roundabout.'
0:23:59 > 0:24:03I think satnavs are generally hopeless.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07But to be fair, I don't think you can blame the satnav,
0:24:07 > 0:24:11it's that people put one in and then think that they can
0:24:11 > 0:24:16just go into a coma and not have to think, or look at anything, because the satnav will tell you.
0:24:16 > 0:24:22So they deliberately tell you to go the longest way, the wrong way, the opposite way.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27A satnav now, if you programmed it to say, I want to get to that cupboard,
0:24:27 > 0:24:34the satnav would say, go over there first. "No, the cupboards there,
0:24:34 > 0:24:39"you could reach and get it." "No, no, it says go that way."
0:24:45 > 0:24:50I can even put the satnav on to go to my local pub, which is only 100
0:24:50 > 0:24:53yards down the road, and it will take me three miles round to get to it.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Shortest route? Don't think so.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59The first one that I bought, regardless of where I asked
0:24:59 > 0:25:02it to direct me to, took me over the Dartford crossing.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I took it back and got another one and found it had no maps.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10Got a third one and when I opened it up it was in Spanish.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13SATNAV "SPEAKS" SPANISH
0:25:13 > 0:25:20I find them unbearable, and also, you know, you can out your journey in, and put it on the thing and then
0:25:20 > 0:25:25it takes ages for it to work it out, you've already gone the wrong way. 20 minutes the wrong way.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Waste of time.
0:25:26 > 0:25:33You get these people driving these 400-foot great lorries with about eight tonnes of concrete in it,
0:25:33 > 0:25:37and they're in the countryside and they end up going up a bridle path.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Don't they think, "There's a couple of horses coming the other way
0:25:41 > 0:25:44"and there's a tree in front of me and a stile, I'd better go over it".
0:25:48 > 0:25:49"You get off my land!"
0:25:49 > 0:25:53"It's not your land, the satnav says this is the way to Crewe."
0:25:53 > 0:25:57How... It's just... Don't they think?!
0:25:57 > 0:26:04- 'Turn right.'- I've turned right and where do I go from here? - 'Go straight on.'
0:26:04 > 0:26:08It's private property, no trespassing, high voltage and there's also danger of death.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13If you put you life in the hands of a satnav, you will be,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16you can get in trouble. I remember going to the Isle of Wight
0:26:16 > 0:26:21with some lads for a crazy golf weekend, not many people do that!
0:26:21 > 0:26:25We did a crazy golf weekend in the Isle of Wight and it was brilliant.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32And we wanted to get back to Southampton Airport
0:26:32 > 0:26:36and I put Southampton Airport in it and it came up.
0:26:36 > 0:26:42And I went, "Brilliant"! Anyway, we drove for a bit and not knowing the area, we ended up on
0:26:42 > 0:26:45a council estate next to an electricity sub-station
0:26:45 > 0:26:52and there's a bloke in the garden and he went "Satnav? Airport?"
0:26:52 > 0:26:56And I went "Yeah, like, what's this, Derren Brown?"
0:26:56 > 0:26:58The TomTom voice I have downloaded is an Irish one.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02It's on there as standard, but it's got one fault,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06it can't say you have reached your destination, so it's really funny.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11It sounds like he is being so friendly that he feels like he doesn't have to finish the sentence.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14So he does everything normally, "Turn right, in 400 yards."
0:27:14 > 0:27:16And then it goes, "In 100 yards you've..."
0:27:16 > 0:27:20and then there is just a gap, as if he's saying. "I think we all know you've reached
0:27:20 > 0:27:22"your destination No need to state it!"
0:27:22 > 0:27:25My father didn't really like cars either. As far as he was
0:27:25 > 0:27:28concerned, he'd say, "A car is there to get you from A to B."
0:27:28 > 0:27:30A lot of people say that.
0:27:30 > 0:27:36And I admire those people, although I do think they are responsible for a lot of chaos and congestion,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39as surely someone at some point has got to go from B to A.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42If everyone is going from A to B, it's bound to result in congestion.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Someone has got to start saying, "I have a car to get me from B to A"
0:27:46 > 0:27:49And then eventually someone is going to want to go to C and that will even
0:27:49 > 0:27:53better for us, as I am sure that is why there is so much congestion.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07That's how Ceefax chunky graphics would depict a squirrel.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Think it has something to do with Dad's Army.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14They wear it on their sleeves. "Sergeant Wilson is approaching, Sir. Ha!"
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Does that mean, um, Italian job ahead?
0:28:19 > 0:28:23It means nobody over 30 is allowed!
0:28:25 > 0:28:28I know it... Just give me a clue. Give me a clue?
0:28:28 > 0:28:32- You're on a motorway.- Right. Another, another clue?
0:28:32 > 0:28:40Danger of...lightning striking your...screwdriver?
0:28:43 > 0:28:44I have seen it on a stick.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46I think it means it's the end of something.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Something is about to end.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52It might be, er... It's a good job I don't drive!