0:00:09 > 0:00:13Cars - why is it that we are obsessed with them?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16When we all know that it's virtually impossible
0:00:16 > 0:00:19to get anywhere by road when reliant on four wheels.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22The whole idea that people are interested in this machine.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25This awful, dreadful machine which has ruined our world.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Here in my car I feel safest of all... #
0:00:28 > 0:00:31City centres grind to a halt,
0:00:31 > 0:00:34motorways crawl at a snail's pace
0:00:34 > 0:00:38and if by some miracle you actually get to where you're going,
0:00:38 > 0:00:43you've got to play Russian roulette to find that one parking space
0:00:43 > 0:00:47where you can only stay two hours until some jobsworth slaps with you a massive fine.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- They're all- BLEEP.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I love it when they say, "I've started writing the ticket,
0:00:53 > 0:00:54"so I have to carry on",
0:00:54 > 0:00:58and in my mind, I'm thinking, "I've started to kick you in the gonads,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00"so I've got to carry on".
0:01:01 > 0:01:04The frustrations of driving are legion -
0:01:04 > 0:01:07avoiding those loony, Lycra-clad louts,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11dodging speed cameras and hoping some bloody learner driver
0:01:11 > 0:01:13doesn't take a pot shot at you.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14HORN BEEPS
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Whoa!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18It's no wonder that we see red.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Bus drivers - arseholes.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- Mini-cabs.- Far too fast.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Massive four by fours.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Post Office van drivers.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Blimey!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Hell is other people and hell is other drivers,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33so driving is hell.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52Do you remember those wonderful, golden days of car travel?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Being driven to the coast with the family all together?
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Well, in reality, they weren't bloody wonderful at all.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Or are we all suffering from some kind of collective amnesia?
0:02:04 > 0:02:09Those journeys where fraught with tension and vomit
0:02:09 > 0:02:12and sweets and arguments
0:02:12 > 0:02:15and hell, really.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18My dad, his idea of a holiday
0:02:18 > 0:02:21was bursting into our room at three o'clock in the morning going,
0:02:21 > 0:02:25"Come on, kids, get in the car. We're going away".
0:02:25 > 0:02:28By four o'clock in the morning, we'd all be in the car
0:02:28 > 0:02:32going to Penzance, Land's End, wherever he fancied, Blackpool.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34We'd go on these long, long trips.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38"Are we nearly there yet? Are we nearly there yet?" Smack.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39They were great fun.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41The most fun part was being in the car.
0:02:41 > 0:02:46Smack on the hand, smack, then you'd smack your brother.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49We would have packed the car the night before,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52very meticulously, because there was so much stuff to take.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54There was a specific order it had to go in.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56We had a diagram of the boot of the car
0:02:56 > 0:02:58which showed what had to go where.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01We would have packed it up and we'd get up at 4.30,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04get in, drive off and stop somewhere for breakfast.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08The Happy Eater - that was brilliant.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10With the man pointing to his mouth.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13They always had a little climbing frame outside for the kids.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16That was great! There was a Happy Eater on the way to Brighton.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I remember the Little Chef. Yes, source of many a joke.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22One of my first jokes, I think, was Julian Clary saying,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25"I just popped into a Little Chef, he didn't seem to mind".
0:03:25 > 0:03:30Yeah, nightmarish, really. Yet, they seemed to go on for hours.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I mean, I drove to Devon not just the other day -
0:03:32 > 0:03:34it only took two and a half hours,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37it felt like we were in the car for about six months back then.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40It was ridiculous. But obviously, we weren't.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44And I was car sick and it was...
0:03:45 > 0:03:49..hell, awful, really not good.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54I remember just yawning and then yawning more and then yawning a lot
0:03:54 > 0:03:57and Dad saying to me, "Please, stop. Tell me when you're..."
0:03:57 > 0:04:01And I'd go... And my dad would go, "What's that?"
0:04:01 > 0:04:03WRETCHING
0:04:08 > 0:04:11There was not much to do on the journey
0:04:11 > 0:04:13and my father was fantastic at making up games.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15One of them was Pub Legs.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I don't know if anyone ever played that but it was a great game.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20My sister and I would sit in the back seat
0:04:20 > 0:04:22and you would count the legs in the pub signs
0:04:22 > 0:04:25that went past you, pub names on your side of the road.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28So, if you went past the Queens Head - no legs there.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31But if you passed The Cricketers - 22 legs, you see.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33So, you'd add those up all the way through - great game.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37When we were young, you didn't even have a seat belt.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40You were just, sort of, chucked in the back
0:04:40 > 0:04:43and left to fight with your sister, really.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45We had a little I-SPY book -
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I-SPY Road Signs and things like that.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52So, the 17 hours to Bournemouth in the back of a VW Beetle
0:04:52 > 0:04:54just flew by, as you can imagine.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56The best thing about driving in those days
0:04:56 > 0:05:00was when the mileometer would change to a load of noughts.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03So, we'd get in the journey to Bournemouth or something
0:05:03 > 0:05:05and it would be 28,723 miles.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07My dad would say,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10"There's a good chance that we'll hit 29,000 on this trip".
0:05:10 > 0:05:14The excitement of all the nines changing to noughts...
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I mean, the thought of missing it!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18He'd give us a countdown - "We're ten miles away".
0:05:18 > 0:05:21We'd think, "We can't miss the nines changing to the noughts,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23"it's the most exciting thing."
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Eventually, you'd see those nines going around
0:05:26 > 0:05:29and they'd all become noughts and you'd go, "Wow, wow.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31"The nines have all become noughts.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33"Wow".
0:05:42 > 0:05:46According to Freud, women lack something us men have,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49and we all know what that something is.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54It's the ability to understand why we are so fascinated
0:05:54 > 0:05:56with all things motorised.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00After all, the car is the perfect symbol of masculine power.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Shiny, speedy and sexy.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08There's an expression goes,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"A man would rather admit to being crap in bed,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"than being a bad driver".
0:06:13 > 0:06:15There is that thing that men will say,
0:06:15 > 0:06:19"The size of the car equates to the size of the sexual organ".
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Well, I go everywhere by train.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I've got a big car cos I've got a small cock. It's obvious.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27It's something they can get close to that won't answer back
0:06:27 > 0:06:29and they have complete control over.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31It's the perfect girlfriend.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Father - obsessed with cars.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Brother's obsessed with cars.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Everything was cars.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I loved Scaletrix and of course Formula One
0:06:42 > 0:06:44and rally driving and everything.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47When Magnatraction came in for the Scaletrix,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49it revolutionised the whole speed
0:06:49 > 0:06:52that you could take a car round the little plastic track.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Action men were forced into cars -
0:06:56 > 0:06:58their legs straddled, they couldn't bend -
0:06:58 > 0:07:02forced into cars that were obviously too small for them.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08I don't have that relationship with cars.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12They are just a piece of metal with a big engine, four doors and wheels
0:07:12 > 0:07:15and they take you from one place to another.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Whereas I know there are men who have relationships...
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I mean, there are men who will have sex with their car.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I've been told that. I haven't seen it on the Internet.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28There's a craze for dogging, these days.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30That wouldn't really be my kind of thing.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32It doesn't involve eating.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36But we do have an estate now, so we would actually have room
0:07:36 > 0:07:39to fall asleep listening to the radio.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42That's about as near as I get to dogging these days.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I can't get involved in all that sexual shenanigans any more.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49These days, I need three days' notice, a Labour government and a splint.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56And nothing tests the gender divide
0:07:56 > 0:07:59like letting the other half behind the wheel...
0:08:00 > 0:08:03..while you have to sit there terrified, paralysed
0:08:03 > 0:08:06and in need of a change of underwear.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08My God!
0:08:08 > 0:08:14When it comes to driving, I like me, in my car,
0:08:14 > 0:08:20my music, my Midget Gems, my rules. That's the way it's got to be.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25I think men, in general, have got a different way of driving than women.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I mean, it's personality, isn't it?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32If there's somebody behind me and they're right up against me,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34you can bet it's a bloke.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Do you want me to do this or...?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38No, Kathleen, men are better drivers.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43The issue is that I don't really want to drive cos I like being driven.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45But whilst being driven,
0:08:45 > 0:08:49I also like it to be understood that I am the better driver.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52So, I like it to be, yeah, a general agreement
0:08:52 > 0:08:56that if I were to be driving, I would be the better driver,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58but I want him to drive.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Kathleen, use your mirrors! - I know it's there.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05You virtually went into him. I am scared with your driving.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08You've got no need to be scared of me driving.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12If women were female men, then everything would be fine.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Unfortunately, they're a different species
0:09:14 > 0:09:17and therefore, drive like a different species.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20If only I could stop the car,
0:09:20 > 0:09:22there'd be no problems.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I consider myself a very good driver.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30But then, I'm quite patient. I'm quite calm behind the wheel
0:09:30 > 0:09:32so I always think that I'm quite a good driver
0:09:32 > 0:09:35but then, as soon as I get in the car with my husband,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I become, like...
0:09:39 > 0:09:43She drives really close to other cars, you know.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44I don't know what it is.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Maybe she likes the haircuts of the drivers in the cars in front.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52If we're in the car and the person in front does something,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55not ridiculously stupid but fairly stupid,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57on a scale of one to ten, maybe a five,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59my husband will go, "Oh, stupid cow".
0:09:59 > 0:10:02You know, "Poor old dear", or whatever and I always go, "Yes!"
0:10:02 > 0:10:05when we drive past and it's actually a bloke.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Oh, this is hard going, Kath. Seriously.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I'll keep you right.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13HE LAUGHS
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Do I laugh or do I cry?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18It's amazing how we can get in the car together
0:10:18 > 0:10:20and everything is rosy
0:10:20 > 0:10:24and we're literally heading for the divorce courts towards the end of the journey.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Think for yourself, Richard.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Turn left, here.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I don't understand the expression "back-seat driver".
0:10:34 > 0:10:37It should be passenger-seat driver.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Well, I don't know why "back-seat"?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I don't know many blokes that drive around
0:10:41 > 0:10:43with their wives sat in the back seat.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Yeah, she's the one who does what I call "girl noises".
0:10:47 > 0:10:51So, if she's sitting next to me in the car and we go around a bend...
0:10:51 > 0:10:55I'm not talking about being near traffic or hitting anything, either,
0:10:55 > 0:10:56I'm just talking about a tight bend,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59you get that noise. You get that kind of, "Oooh".
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Oooh!
0:11:01 > 0:11:05"Ooh, ooh!" Or, you know... I often say to her,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"Are your brakes working, as well, love?"
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Richard, you're so close to the edge, it's unbelievable. Get over!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"Have I ever crashed a car with you in it, you know? No.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"Have I ever been near crashing? No."
0:11:17 > 0:11:20She'll go, "I know I'm a bad passenger".
0:11:20 > 0:11:24When you're driving along and you see someone break ahead of you,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26you both notice it at the same time.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I will do something about it and at the same time,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32she's pressing her imaginary brake and going, "Look!"
0:11:32 > 0:11:37And I'm like, "I can see it! I'm right here with you.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39"The brake lights are on, he has stopped,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"I have stopped in plenty of time.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"The fact that you yelled isn't helping!"
0:11:43 > 0:11:46James! Watch, James!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49The only time that our relationship becomes fraught
0:11:49 > 0:11:51is when we're on four wheels.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54But apart from that, we're all right, really, you know,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56cos we don't talk.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I think if we go somewhere as a family, I usually drive,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01but that's because my wife falls asleep
0:12:01 > 0:12:03as soon as I start the ignition.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07It used to annoy me in the early days of our courtship that she wouldn't talk to me.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Now, of course, it's a blessed relief to all of us.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- You're sat there like Jim Jim. - This is the easiest... - You're sat there like Jim Jim.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Are you going to listen? - I'm listening!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24And although we are excellent drivers,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28there are lots of people who really shouldn't be allowed on the road.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30You know the ones -
0:12:30 > 0:12:33those stalling, swerving, non-indicating idiots
0:12:33 > 0:12:36who shouldn't be let out of the house,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40let alone given control of a potential death trap.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41HORN BEEPS
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- Whoa! For Christ's sake! - What's the matter with you?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- What did you do that for? - That car was up your arse.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53On my 17th birthday, my present, gift,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55was a driving lesson,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and I passed when I was 22.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03So, 200 lessons, passed fifth time.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I was a natural, really.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10Coming from Swanley in Kent, if you were a boy and you got to 18
0:13:10 > 0:13:12and you hadn't got your driving licence,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15people would go, "Are you queer or what?"
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I had, like, a really creepy driving instructor.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22"Just imagine there is a pot of gold on the edge of your bonnet.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24"Why would you spill it? You wouldn't".
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I never wanted to learn to drive. I never saw the point of it.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I never lusted after the car,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I never lusted after the so-called freedom that it gives you.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35The only reason I took my test, or started to learn,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39was because I fancied a girl called Margot when I was 17
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and Margot liked the man who had the flashy car.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45She didn't want intelligence, she didn't want sporting ability,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48she didn't want someone who could play Scrabble - madness!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51She wanted someone who had a big car who could take her nice places.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53So, for Margot, I started to learn to drive
0:13:53 > 0:13:56and I had the first lesson with my father
0:13:56 > 0:13:59and ended up turning right into Offenham from Evesham
0:13:59 > 0:14:01and ended up in a ditch.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Look out! Cliff!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I don't think I went in a car again for about three years.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18Driving instructors keep standing me up.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22I had three in a row that either didn't turn up
0:14:22 > 0:14:23or turned up over an hour late,
0:14:23 > 0:14:28or turned up and gave me a lesson and never returned my calls again.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I started to get so paranoid.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Am I saying, "Hello, I'd like a driving lesson",
0:14:32 > 0:14:35or am I going, "Hello, I'd like to marry you"?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- That was a lousy lesson. The worst one you've ever had.- Good.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42The nice ending to the story was that I didn't impress Margot.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I bought a bicycle instead and impressed her best friend,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49who actually had a better sense of humour and larger tits.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Oh, this is a nice, wide road, isn't it?- Yes, isn't it?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59There's an aeroplane. I want to get out!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06My first test, it started very badly,
0:15:06 > 0:15:11because what I realised was that my instructor that I'd had up to that point had never...
0:15:11 > 0:15:15When he picked me up for a lesson,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19he would leave the engine running and get out of the car
0:15:19 > 0:15:23and go into the passenger seat and I would get into the driver's seat.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26So, when it came to my test,
0:15:26 > 0:15:32I got into the car with this quite stern lady tester
0:15:32 > 0:15:38and I started pressing the pedals and moving the steering wheel
0:15:38 > 0:15:41and the engine just wasn't making a noise.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42I was terribly nervous and said,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45"I'm really sorry, the car isn't working",
0:15:45 > 0:15:49and she said, "Well, you do have to turn the key in the ignition".
0:15:49 > 0:15:51At that point, I realised that I had never done that.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Stop. Stop. Stop.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Stop!
0:15:55 > 0:15:59I was so nervous. At the start of the test...
0:15:59 > 0:16:02There are all new things you do now that you never used to.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07Like, for instance, you show the instructor where you change the oil
0:16:07 > 0:16:10and how you test the oil. You know, things like that.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14We were outside the car and he goes, "I'm going to check the vehicle is road worthy.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16"You get in",
0:16:16 > 0:16:18and I got in the passenger door.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23There isn't even a thing on the form for that.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27He couldn't even mark me down for that cos there's nowhere to go...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31..driver appears to be an idiot. That's not on the form.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36All of my lessons were pretty awful and I was pretty rubbish at them,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39but when I went for the test,
0:16:39 > 0:16:44the guy who was testing me, this guy in south London, he was fantastic.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47He was quite obviously gay
0:16:47 > 0:16:51and he was part of the amateur operatic society down there,
0:16:51 > 0:16:52where I was doing my test,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55and they were doing Oklahoma! in a couple of weeks.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57# Oklahoma
0:16:57 > 0:17:01# When the wind comes sweeping down the plain... #
0:17:01 > 0:17:04So, the whole test, we went through all the songs in Oklahoma!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06cos I'm a big musical fan, you know.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I don't think I looked in the rear-view mirror once.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Didn't do anything like that. I nearly hit the kerb.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14There was somebody I saw, I kind of waved at them.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17We just went through Oh, What A Beautiful Morning,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Oklahoma! - had a great time. Passed on the spot.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I am pleased to tell you, you've passed.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Can I see your licence again, please?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28The one time I drove when I passed my test,
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I thought, "I'll give it a go". I drove to Coventry from Evesham.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35So, I thought "I'll do this now, without my dad. I'll go on my own".
0:17:35 > 0:17:37As I set off, I thought,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"Right, now, is there a way of going to Coventry
0:17:40 > 0:17:42"without doing any right turns?"
0:17:42 > 0:17:44And I tried to find the way to Coventry
0:17:44 > 0:17:45where I only had to do left turns.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49My first journey after passing was from London to Lancaster.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I have never been so tense.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55I did the whole thing like a 70-year-old woman, like that,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58in this tiny little Fiat Panda, like that.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01And when I got out, I literally walked like that,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03cos I was so stiff.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06It was the worst journey of my life!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Old people, bless them, can be very sweet.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I mean, you can learn things from old people
0:18:11 > 0:18:13but bugger all about driving.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16My nan shouldn't have been allowed to drive,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I don't think, towards the end. Bless her.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- I do think we should have another driving test for the elderly... - FIRE CRACKLES
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Sorry, Nan! Sorry! She just came out...
0:18:25 > 0:18:30# When you came in the air went out... #
0:18:30 > 0:18:32And when finally, you get the car moving,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34you'd better not stop anywhere.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Because if you do, there's always a uniformed bloodsucker
0:18:38 > 0:18:40waiting to sink its teeth into your bank account.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44I can't suspend the bank. Now, I'm parking.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Why are you giving me a ticket, mate?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48That's my colleague's, yeah?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49I'm not ready...
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- Wanker.- That's not the case at all.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- They're all- BLEEP.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I think traffic wardens these days are like gangsters.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59The modern Krays, aren't they?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01They're all in touch with each other.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04They even started wearing cameras because of the abuse.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Yeah, abuse. It's not really abuse, is it?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08It's people moaning, people complaining.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12I have a lot of problems with the traffic wardens.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You can even see them poised if,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17for instance, where you've got to get your ticket from,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20if you haven't parked near it, so it's 50 meters away,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23they will ticket you in the time it takes to go and get a ticket.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27I saw, I swear to God, you couldn't have made it up,
0:19:27 > 0:19:34I saw three traffic wardens around a disabled person's car
0:19:34 > 0:19:37outside a doctor's surgery,
0:19:37 > 0:19:39almost getting off on putting a ticket on it.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43It was almost like some sort of dodgy orgy.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45SHE GRUNTS
0:19:45 > 0:19:48"Have you written the ticket yet?"
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- I've got an heavy- BLEEP- load to load and unload.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- It's got 20 minutes. - It's been there two hours.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56They're not. That is the whole point.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Do you want to calm down, yeah? Calm down.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Calm down or I won't talk to you.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I love it when they say,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07"I've started writing the ticket so I have to carry on"
0:20:07 > 0:20:12and in my mind, I'm thinking, "I've started to kick you in the gonads,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14"so I've got to carry on".
0:20:14 > 0:20:19All this thing where they are supposed to give you three minutes.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Do they fanny give you three minutes.
0:20:21 > 0:20:27You come racing out of the door and they... I just...I just...
0:20:27 > 0:20:31I hate it so much, this whole thing.
0:20:31 > 0:20:37It's just a money-making exercise. It's a tax, it's another tax.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38That's all it is.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I'm pretty good at not being caught. In fact, I can count
0:20:45 > 0:20:47on one hand the amount of parking tickets I've had.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I am so borderline spectrum behaviour, you know.
0:20:50 > 0:20:58I put timers on my iPhone or any other unbranded smart phone and I don't normally get caught out,
0:20:58 > 0:21:02but this one time, I did get caught by this Nigerian.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06It's such a stereotype, but there do seem to be a lot of Nigerian traffic wardens.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10I've no idea why, but he was brilliant and it was totally worth every penny
0:21:10 > 0:21:14of the 60 quid, because I was really angry and he was completely serene
0:21:14 > 0:21:19and would not be disturbed in any way and I said, "Mate, I'm a moment late!"
0:21:19 > 0:21:24And I'm not making this up, these were his exact words, right. I was only a moment late and he went
0:21:24 > 0:21:27"What is a moment? A moment could be a minute - or a lifetime."
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And I was like, "Whoh" and he said "£60, please."
0:21:33 > 0:21:37They are made to be like that, really. I think there probably will
0:21:37 > 0:21:42come a day when there will some Nuremburg-type situation and they will be told
0:21:42 > 0:21:45that it's no defence that they were only following orders.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52# Another one bites the dust And another one, and another one
0:21:52 > 0:21:54# Another one bites the dust... #
0:21:54 > 0:21:58I've been clamped, I've been clamped. I hate those fricking clampers.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I've never understood the point of clamping.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08It's a revenue technique, isn't it? And it's a revenue technique
0:22:08 > 0:22:14that is...reminiscent of Parkhurst or something.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I mean, how can you lock up my car?
0:22:16 > 0:22:20I will willingly pay your ticket, your fine and everything,
0:22:20 > 0:22:26but a £100-odd to have a clamp removed by a privateer?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30No, no, they deserve shooting. That's an excuse for gangsterism, isn't it?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Why don't you have the decency to say, "Can you move your motor?"
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Our job is to make sure that cars aren't illegally parked.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- You're one arsehole creeping- BLEEP.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41That's not the case, at all, that's not the case at all.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46I've been very close to going and getting and fetching or buying a baseball bat and saying,
0:22:46 > 0:22:52"Your shins or that clamp - one of them has got to go."
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Another happy punter(!)
0:22:54 > 0:22:56(Wankers, aren't they?)
0:22:56 > 0:23:01I've been put in the pound a couple of times. Sounds great, doesn't it?
0:23:01 > 0:23:07Not the dog pound. I've had my car taken away.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Actually, I used to have my car taken away quite a lot.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14I used to live in Hampstead and my permit had run out. For some reason,
0:23:14 > 0:23:19I just couldn't be bothered to get another permit, so I just used to park it and they would take
0:23:19 > 0:23:23it to the pound. I'd get on the tube, pick it up from Kentish Town. £30.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Tonight, Richard wets himself in a small hatchback...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34We play conkers with caravans...
0:23:35 > 0:23:39And a clash of the titans - Aston versus Ferrari on our track.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43The idea of watching Top Gear is a total anathema to me.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48It's probably in my top five ideas of torture
0:23:48 > 0:23:51would be being told to watch Top Gear for any more than 30 seconds.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55I can't bear it, the whole idea of those people who are interested
0:23:55 > 0:23:59in this machine, this awful dreadful machine, which has ruined our world.
0:24:01 > 0:24:08Ah, yes, Top Gear. Soft porn for the petrolhead.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Teasing and tantalising the viewer with sleek exteriors,
0:24:12 > 0:24:18revs per minute, size of your engine and how ruddy fast you can go nought to 60...
0:24:18 > 0:24:26I don't care what, someone asked me what my car, you know, what does it do nought to 60 in?
0:24:26 > 0:24:31I don't know, half an hour? I don't know, what should it do, you know?
0:24:31 > 0:24:36I mean, I can't do nought to 60, because I come out of my house into a 40mph zone,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39so it usually takes me until I get to the motorway - about quarter of an hour.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42The sound of V8 thunder...
0:24:42 > 0:24:47..all fronted by three menopausal fellas, who really should know better.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Engage...and fire!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53ENGINE REVS
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I don't know what torque is.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58They talk about torque. I thought torque was some
0:24:58 > 0:25:03kind of paper you used to clean kitchen surfaces with in hotels.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Top Gear represents the type of stuff I really hate.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11That terrifying blokey energy, where I never know what to do when I am in a room of men like that.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14It's like, "My car is more powerful than yours!"
0:25:14 > 0:25:21And they just turn to me and I don't answer and they'd say, "Get him in the van, let's use him like a girl".
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- "Top Gear can eat- BLEEP- and die."
0:25:24 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I hate it, actually. I hate Top Gear
0:25:27 > 0:25:31because I hate the presenters.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I just hate them.
0:25:33 > 0:25:39Its an eco calculator from Renault. You charge it up by doing this...
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I can't be too rude, I can't be too graphic, but it's quite
0:25:45 > 0:25:49clear what's happening with those guys, isn't it, you know?
0:25:49 > 0:25:55I mean, it's kind of... Well, I don't want to go into detail, but we know what they're really doing.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57We know what they're really showing each other.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59We know what they're comparing.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I don't know what was wrong with solar power, personally.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Some people find this comes more naturally.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12The two-litre VTEC engine in this is astonishing.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15This car can reach top speeds of...
0:26:15 > 0:26:22- You know when you drive some cars, you get a sense that the car is smiling when you are driving.- What?!
0:26:22 > 0:26:29'And the one who looks like he's been taken to BHS by his girlfriend - James May.'
0:26:29 > 0:26:32He always looks like a old hippy and his girlfriend said,
0:26:32 > 0:26:36"Come on, we've got to give you a makeover, take you to BHS, get you some nice clothes".
0:26:40 > 0:26:45Bloody caravans. I love it when Mr Clarkson or Mr Hammond destroy them.
0:26:48 > 0:26:54Top Gear have destroyed several caravans, so the root of it is a force for good...clearly.
0:27:01 > 0:27:09I absolutely don't give a flying fish about those boys on Top Gear -
0:27:09 > 0:27:14nor their opinions, nor the fact that, actually, they don't have
0:27:14 > 0:27:17any person who has been in a soap opera on their show.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21I tell you what, The Top Gear day out is probably the best days of your life.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Too much wheel spin.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Burning round that track, with an instructor telling you how to go quicker.
0:27:33 > 0:27:38And I was point something of a second away from Jay Kay, as well.
0:27:38 > 0:27:44We've had one record go last week, we've had another one go this week. 49. You're quicker than me, mate.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:48 > 0:27:50I cant tell you how pleased I am.
0:27:50 > 0:27:55Only to be slaughtered a couple of weeks later, the pair of us, by Jodie Kidd.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Supermodel chick.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03I begged them to let me back on, but they still haven't.
0:28:12 > 0:28:17This sign means through the triangle window.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Yeah, you see that a lot, don't you, that?
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Er...
0:28:23 > 0:28:27That one, I think, means that a space shuttle is about to take off.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29HE LAUGHS
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Erm...
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Um...
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Oh, what can that be?
0:28:35 > 0:28:37What's he doing? Lunatic.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41I don't know. Royal family ahead. No idea.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43This one means,
0:28:43 > 0:28:45I'm not 30 any more!
0:28:46 > 0:28:49I think I have seen that in Anne Summers.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Three strokes is when you've not had...
0:28:52 > 0:28:54LAUGHTER
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Take it away.
0:28:57 > 0:29:02Drive in the right direction... at all times.