0:00:05 > 0:00:08Remember when your hot meal was a soggy school dinner,
0:00:08 > 0:00:11an overcooked roast at the local carvery
0:00:11 > 0:00:14or a charred treat in the all new burger bar?
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Well, they tell us that British cuisine has improved,
0:00:19 > 0:00:24so why do we now suffer from food fury and gastronomic grumpiness?
0:00:25 > 0:00:26A timbale of rice.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31In a mung bean reduction with a wallaby jus.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36What a load of pretentious bollocks.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Everyone seems obsessed with what they put down their gullet.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Worrying about the airmiles it's travelled,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46or trying to grow it themselves in some green-fingered Good Life fantasy world.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51It's insane. You know, why are we eating any of this at all?
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Meanwhile, our telly diet is marinaded in celebrity chefs,
0:00:55 > 0:01:00and the local greengrocer has been expertly stuffed by a huge supermarket.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03If you get something like a chicken Kiev,
0:01:03 > 0:01:07it should just say "salt, with some chicken Kiev."
0:01:07 > 0:01:13We've gone from powdered egg to bloody goji berries, whatever they are.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16How come stuff that's supposed to be good for you is horrible?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22It's time for us Grumpies to lift the lid and let off steam.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Do I have an educated palate?
0:01:32 > 0:01:38Yes, it's been educated to chips and fish fingers and fried eggs.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Love a bit of food, me.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I'm lucky, because I can eat and eat and not put a pound on.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I put it down to a high metabolism.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I've eaten some odd things in my time.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I've eaten a goat's testicle,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I've eaten a rat curry, I've eaten a dried fish on a stick.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Fussiness was not an option. It was, food down,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59if you don't want to eat it, don't.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02It'll go in the bin. Go hungry. See you tomorrow, end of.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05My wife has educated me quite a great deal
0:02:05 > 0:02:07in the ways of the gourmand
0:02:07 > 0:02:10but I'm pretty simple. I don't really like veg.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13That'll be the first thing I say, I'm not a vegetarian.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Here we are.- Mmmm, wonderful.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I think I have an educated palate.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24That's not to say I'm easily fooled by fancy-schmancy,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27"oh, look, there's a tiny bit of food on this big plate"
0:02:27 > 0:02:31and it's sky high and you're meant to think it's delicious. I know what's delicious.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35When did strolling the supermarket aisle
0:02:35 > 0:02:38become more like walking a fashion catwalk?
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Everything that we digest these days seems to be dictated to us
0:02:42 > 0:02:46by groups of food fashionistas and culinary snobs.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49When things become fashionable and people tell you,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"you don't want that, you want this."
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I go, "No, I want that."
0:02:53 > 0:02:55"But it's what everyone's having." I think, "so what?"
0:02:55 > 0:02:57With clothes, OK, but not food.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59What I like is what I like. It still tastes good.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Food and fashion statements.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04It's an ongoing thing, isn't it, you know?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Nouvelle cuisine, gastro pubs, fancy beans,
0:03:08 > 0:03:12I remember when someone said to me once, "do you eat mung beans?"
0:03:12 > 0:03:15and I thought they'd insulted me.
0:03:15 > 0:03:21There's trendy vegetables, chic sushi, hip and happening tomatoes.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25It's enough to make our blood boil.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29What is the difference between sun-dried and sun-blushed?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Bugger all, as far as I can see.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36Dried tomatoes, blushed tomatoes, embarrassed tomatoes,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38various kinds of tomatoes are out there.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43A tomato is a tomato, sun-dried or sun-blushed or plum or...
0:03:43 > 0:03:44it's a tomato.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49And the flowery poncey lingo they use
0:03:49 > 0:03:51to supposedly tease our taste buds
0:03:51 > 0:03:56means we need a translator on hand just to order the simplest of meals.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Scallops on a bed of horseradish mash, know what I mean?
0:04:02 > 0:04:07Medallions of sca... Why do you need to call a scallop a medallion?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09A melange of beef.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Is that a burger?
0:04:10 > 0:04:15- It's a scallop, it doesn't need embellishment. - A timbale of rice.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20A timbale? Why not have, you know, a conga of peas?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24And a bass drum of baked potatoes, while you're at it.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27In a mung bean reduction with a wallaby jus.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33A ceviche of salmon with a panache of seasonal vegetables
0:04:33 > 0:04:36on a nest of salsify.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I thought "What is that? A ceviche?"
0:04:38 > 0:04:41What's a ceviche of salmon? A panache of vegetables?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Why don't they just get Vic Reeves to write the menus for them?
0:04:45 > 0:04:49It would be like, "An eranu of beef that's been hoisted on a winch,
0:04:49 > 0:04:55"served on a nest of cat hair parsnips and an uvavu of red wine.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- "Uuuvaavuu." - RUBS THIGHS
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- Now, you see what Jerry's done here. - Yes?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04He's fried your eggs on both sides.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- Are you sure I can't drizzle some balsamic vinegar on that? - Please don't.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Only in restaurants is the word "drizzle" considered classy.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16I think that's a curious thing. Drizzle is a negative thing.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I don't know why, when we apply it to food,
0:05:18 > 0:05:23it's "Oh, the oil has been drizzled on, that's nice.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28"I'd hate to think of it being poured or dropped, but drizzled, mmm".
0:05:28 > 0:05:30What a load of pretentious bollocks.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34They say less is more,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37and in restaurant terms they could just be right.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41It seems the more you pay out, the less you actually get.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I like a nice medium-sized dish but no, these tiny little...
0:05:44 > 0:05:47No. There's no point in that, I know it looks lovely
0:05:47 > 0:05:50and it does taste lovely but I want to taste it more than once.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54I want to go, "mmm taste, mmm taste, mmm taste, mmm taste,
0:05:54 > 0:05:58"maybe taste again". Then I'm done. I don't just want, "mmm taste".
0:05:58 > 0:06:03I had this posh meal, it sounded amazing, it came out, it was
0:06:03 > 0:06:08a piece of salmon with a bit of sauce on it, one asparagus!
0:06:11 > 0:06:12One asparagus!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16The one modern food I cannot entertain is sushi.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18There's nothing there, people go nuts for it.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22They go "Oh, got to have some sushi, shall we have sushi for lunch, do you like sushi?"
0:06:22 > 0:06:25No, I don't, cos there's nothing there.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It's a little bit of uncooked fish and a little bit of rice.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32And the rest of it is plastic. You throw away more than you eat.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- This is a stack with smoked salmon, cream cheese...- Is that free?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38..prawn in a shell. No, it's only £12.50.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- £12.50 for that! - In a restaurant it would be £25.
0:06:41 > 0:06:48There's nothing that winds me up more than asking for a portion of chips.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Easy request, really, isn't it? Portion of chips.
0:06:51 > 0:06:59And getting on a plate, six big, thick bits of potato, like that.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02That's me, that's the night over.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06I might as well just get my coat. That's it, I've had enough.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08For a long time, I used to go to restaurants
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and there was a lot of something called polenta.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16Now polenta is clearly a building material
0:07:16 > 0:07:21that somewhere in the EU, they suddenly found.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25It must have been a residue. It must have been something
0:07:25 > 0:07:28that was left over after they'd made something else.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33I asked for, I want, a plate of chips. That's not a plate of chips. A, it's not a chip.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36When does a potato become a chip? There has to be size regulations.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38For me a chip has a definite size.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40It's crunchy, you pick it up in your fingers.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43That's huge, you need a knife and fork. Not a chip.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46It's funny how tastes change in different regions.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49In the Midlands, they seem to want chips with everything.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51A lot of people have lasagne and chips,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53or they'll have moussaka and chips.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56You'd think pasta, that's the carbs. You don't need...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I was in Wolverhampton on tour last year.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I went into a place and ordered a baked potato,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04and honest to God, this girl asked, "Do you want chips with that?".
0:08:04 > 0:08:07It was on every menu for a while. You couldn't move for polenta.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I think we used it up. It seems to have gone.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15We've had our fill of small portions of culinary snobbery.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20But the quick and easy ready meal isn't a palette pleaser either.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28Packed with preservatives, e-numbers and fake flavouring,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30over-packaged, clingfilmed,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33and presented with a glossy appetising picture
0:08:33 > 0:08:37that bears no resemblance to the gloop on your plate.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Ready meals are a very odd thing, really.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42If you do get something like a chicken Kiev,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45it should just say, "salt with some chicken Kiev".
0:08:45 > 0:08:48It's been proven over and over again,
0:08:48 > 0:08:54TV chefs and non-TV chefs alike will show you how to make that meal,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57probably as quickly as 40 minutes in the oven.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Why not make it yourself and know what's in it?
0:08:59 > 0:09:0212 o'clock at night after a few lagers,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04chuck it in the microwave for two minutes.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07We can all fall foul of chicken.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11They drag all the goodness out of it, try to make it look pretty by processing it
0:09:11 > 0:09:17and then put it all back in with non natural vitamins and minerals etc.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21I'm constantly disappointed with the picture on the front of the ready meal
0:09:21 > 0:09:23and actually what is in the plastic tray.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Immediately you feel like you're in prison, you take the thing off
0:09:26 > 0:09:30and basically, you've got a prison tray in front of you, haven't you?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32My rule of thumb is,
0:09:32 > 0:09:36if the ready meal comes in a cardboard box, then it's fine.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39If it's packaged with a nice cardboard box
0:09:39 > 0:09:41with a nice picture on it
0:09:41 > 0:09:43and if the cardboard box is not dyed,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46if it's natural cardboard, then it's fine.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56You poke your fork through, you put it in the microwave,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58take it out a few minutes later
0:09:58 > 0:10:01and there's a smell of wet dog in the kitchen.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03What is that smell? What is that smell of wet dog?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05And there, it's your beef casserole.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I do like dirty food though, I mean, I'm a keen cook,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14but there are certain, there's filthy food that I love,
0:10:14 > 0:10:18but it loses its magic when you get older, like the Campbell's meatball,
0:10:18 > 0:10:26I remember loving them as a child, dare I say it, on a bed of rice.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29There are good ready meals, there are bad ready meals.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31But you can go to someone's house
0:10:31 > 0:10:33who's spent all day putting it together -
0:10:33 > 0:10:35could still be horrible, can't it?
0:10:35 > 0:10:39You know, the dinner parties you've been to, where someone says
0:10:39 > 0:10:44"for the starter I've got some slices of organic beetroot
0:10:44 > 0:10:50"with some snail porridge on and a little tuft of lemon grass".
0:10:50 > 0:10:52That sounds horrible.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Do you have any Fray Bentos pies?
0:10:54 > 0:10:59You know, it is amazing, what you can come up with with just flour and water.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Yeah, glue.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11And, sometimes, to wait the seconds it takes to microwave convenience food
0:11:11 > 0:11:15is itself too much of an inconvenience.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19I love eating fish and chips and stuff like that.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I don't like all the Burger King things. I do sort of think...
0:11:22 > 0:11:25But it's very hard to keep kids off that.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27They know what they're doing.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30"Come to McDonalds, we've got lettuce in our burgers now,
0:11:30 > 0:11:34"so if you want to be an athlete then eat McDonalds".
0:11:36 > 0:11:40I happen to think KFC is the food of the gods.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45To me it is the nectar that keeps me going.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49If I know that there's a motorway service station where the first one
0:11:49 > 0:11:52is, like, not KFC and the next one is,
0:11:52 > 0:11:57I will drive, literally, that extra mile, for the Colonel.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Richard Dawkins has said there's no such thing as God,
0:12:00 > 0:12:06but he hasn't tried KFC gravy. That's the work of the gods.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Not meaning to be cruel to the people of Wolverhampton,
0:12:09 > 0:12:13but eating out in Wolverhampton is really crap.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17And I got laughed in the face in the street
0:12:17 > 0:12:22when I asked someone if there is a Wagamamas in Wolverhampton,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25and they just went, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28"No mate, no, you've got to go to Birmingham for that".
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Having been brought up in Scotland,
0:12:31 > 0:12:35I do feel a slight sense of injustice
0:12:35 > 0:12:38that after centuries of
0:12:38 > 0:12:41extraordinary medical prowess from the Scots,
0:12:41 > 0:12:46extraordinary engineering innovation from the Scots -
0:12:46 > 0:12:50inventing penicillin, the telephone, television,
0:12:50 > 0:12:56suddenly the reputation has been reduced to that of,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59that's where you get deep-fried Mars Bars from.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Only in Scotland can they make focaccia sound like a swear word.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Seriously. "foc-accia".
0:13:07 > 0:13:11And after a few jars the calling for animal fat becomes
0:13:11 > 0:13:13impossible to ignore.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Why is it that a kebab tastes so much better at 3am?
0:13:18 > 0:13:23I was in Scotland recently, doing some gigs up there
0:13:23 > 0:13:25and I went into a kebab shop.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Now, the Scottish are perhaps known not for their best diet,
0:13:28 > 0:13:32hence the deep-fried black pudding and deep-fried Mars Bar,
0:13:32 > 0:13:36but me with a London accent said, "I'll have a kebab, please".
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Hi, sir.- Hello, can I have a large kebab, please?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Would you like salad with that?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43He went "Salad?" and I went "No, just meat."
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I thought he was going to kiss me.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I'd suddenly become an honorary Scotsman
0:13:49 > 0:13:52because I pooh-pooh'd the salad.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55We go to Abdul's down Oxford Road in Manchester
0:13:55 > 0:14:00and get a chicken kebab, chicken tikka,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I mean, that other one,
0:14:02 > 0:14:07like an elephant's leg that's had the skin ripped off it,
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Urgh! No! But the chicken one, loads of salad, chillies,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13yogurty sauce thing, great.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18I am one of the few people who will eat a kebab in the day, if it's a decent one.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I discovered, whilst living in Glasgow,
0:14:21 > 0:14:26the joy of the kebab with veggie pakora.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27£5.50.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29That works very well.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32And you can make that last a couple of days
0:14:32 > 0:14:36and the time it spends in the fridge and the microwave merely improve it.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44But don't look too far down your nose at the lowly kebab.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49It wasn't so long ago the Wimpy Bar was the popular palate pleaser.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52It seems even today, we can't shake off
0:14:52 > 0:14:56our yearning for the food of yesteryear.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Prawn cocktails, I love. There's nothing wrong with Marie Rose sauce
0:15:02 > 0:15:06and I'm not talking about putting ketchup in your mayonnaise.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Marie Rose sauce is a specific condiment, it's a superb thing.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14I could eat, I could feast on prawn cocktail and duck a l'orange.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I like the retro dishes, chicken Kiev, I love it,
0:15:17 > 0:15:21It's quite difficult to make. You ever made it? It's hard work.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23I've got very poor taste in food
0:15:23 > 0:15:27so the 70's for me was a wonderful decade, Black Forest gateau
0:15:27 > 0:15:32fake squirty cream, all that kind of thing, that was bang up my street.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34There is your gateau.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Black Forest gateaux, steak and chips, nothing wrong with it,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42moules-frites, mmm superb.
0:15:42 > 0:15:48I like all those retro, simple dishes - steak and kidney pie. Ah!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51My first ever order when I had a job as a waiter in a restaurant
0:15:51 > 0:15:54was a prawn cocktail.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57And, you know, I was new to the job
0:15:57 > 0:16:01and I was hearing food terms I'd not come across before
0:16:01 > 0:16:04and I heard the word cocktail
0:16:04 > 0:16:06and so automatically just went to the bar,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08thinking that a prawn cocktail
0:16:08 > 0:16:13must therefore be some kind of fish-based drink.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17The thing is now, they're going back to good pies.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19They sell it like it's a good thing.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24I saw a poster for a major supermarket on my way here today
0:16:24 > 0:16:29that said "100% pure beef", you know,
0:16:29 > 0:16:34and I thought, "well, yes! That's what goes in a beef pie.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37"What was it before? What was going in there?"
0:16:37 > 0:16:42We used to call them... They even say "100% ground beef", those burger outlets,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- but you know it's toes, lips and- BLEEP- anus-holes and all that, don't you?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48You just know it's going to be rubbish in there.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Then you want the chopped parsley, it's no good without it.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Where did I see the chopped parsley? I reckon I... It's all right.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57It's in here. Let's have a look.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Here it is, yeah. It's all wet in here.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04I'll kill that bloody cat.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10So, now we have become slightly more refined in our tastes
0:17:10 > 0:17:13things have gone a bit downhill for me, really.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16There's been this weird thing, where food has become ironic
0:17:16 > 0:17:20because everything has to have a layer of irony on it now.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24So, you're not just eating an avocado with prawn cocktail on it,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27you're eating an ironic avocado with prawn cocktail.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30There's lots of restaurants in London now,
0:17:30 > 0:17:31that serve what was naff food,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34is now, you know... First of all it was just food,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37then it was naff food and now it's ironic food.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41It seems to be a way of enabling people who think they're cool
0:17:41 > 0:17:44to eat things they like but know are naff,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47but being cool never really troubled me
0:17:47 > 0:17:50so I would just always eat anything I felt like eating
0:17:50 > 0:17:54and if that was a chocolate flake sandwich, then so be it.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00Hmm. What doesn't go to waste, goes to the waistline.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Whether it's cool or hot, raw or burnt, we'll eat it.
0:18:03 > 0:18:09and the result is, everywhere you look are expanding grumpy guts.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12After all, you are what you eat.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17I have been on every single diet that's known to man,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20even diets I haven't tried, I've known about them.
0:18:20 > 0:18:25It's a load of codswash, dieting. All that misery, for what?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27You could fall under a bus tomorrow.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28I could.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32You wouldn't fit under a bus. It would have to be jacked up.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36I don't really diet, I know people would find that hard to believe
0:18:36 > 0:18:39cos I'm quite lithe, I'm quite svelte.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Although my doctor did recently say that I should diet,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I should watch what I'm eating.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47But I just like to eat what I'm eating.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Just sitting there looking at it, that's no good.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58I start salivating. And when I salivate, stand back.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04There's a lot of diets at the moment
0:19:04 > 0:19:07that are telling us to eat like French women,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10ie evidently French women, the reason they look slim all the time
0:19:10 > 0:19:13is they just have a tiny little bit of chocolate
0:19:13 > 0:19:15and then they put the whole bar back,
0:19:15 > 0:19:19so they're very thin. They're obviously mentally ill though.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23When we aren't being bombarded by commercials for burgers and biscuits
0:19:23 > 0:19:26we're being seduced by the skinny, smiley people
0:19:26 > 0:19:30of the devilish diet industry, a multi-billion pound business
0:19:30 > 0:19:33that promises to reduce our waistline
0:19:33 > 0:19:36but actually just slims down our wallet.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41If you're going to do a fad diet,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44what you read in the magazine will never be what happens.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46It's never going to be what happens.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50What you read in the magazine probably worked on one person,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52once, in 1975 and it's never worked again.
0:19:52 > 0:19:58The Atkins, the cabbage soup, the zone diet, the inzone diet,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01all zone or is that a travelcard?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04So what's the diet?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08What it is you do is, you eat a hard boiled egg before every meal
0:20:08 > 0:20:12and that hard boiled egg actually eats some of the meal for you
0:20:12 > 0:20:14so you lose weight.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18I did once try that cabbage soup diet,
0:20:18 > 0:20:25and that tipped me to the edge of mental illness really.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29I mean, you found yourself fixating on the jacket potato
0:20:29 > 0:20:31you are allowed on day 13 or something.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I went on the Atkins diet. I didn't eat carbs for a week.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I nearly fainted when I saw a bowl of crisps
0:20:37 > 0:20:41and I attacked it like a savage animal.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44The Ron Atkinson diet, where you spend too much money on every meal
0:20:44 > 0:20:46and wear gaudy jewellery.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I found these over by the stairs. What are they?
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Love handles. Lots of people lose them taking the stairs instead of the escalator.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59You meet men and they've suddenly just dropped two-and-a-half stone
0:20:59 > 0:21:04or they go on a diet and they immediately lose three stone,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06and you go, "How did you do that?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09"How did you lose all that weight so quickly?" And they go,
0:21:09 > 0:21:13"Oh, I just stopped drinking coffee twice a week,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15"I still drink it the other three days
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"but twice a week I stopped and the weight just dropped off".
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Ronni Ancona, I mean, I don't know if you know her,
0:21:21 > 0:21:25but she will always pretend she's not going to eat something.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28When we went out together she'd say, "Oh, no, I don't want chips,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31"I won't have any chips. You have chips, if you want to.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33"No, you have them, you have the chips."
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Of course, I have chips and what happens? She goes,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37"Can I just have one of your chips?
0:21:37 > 0:21:41"Can I just have another of your...? Can I have another chip?"
0:21:41 > 0:21:44And she'd eat all the chips.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I don't really need to watch what I eat particularly.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Although, this shirt's a little old.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53But...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58..maybe I ought.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01People who go on these faddy diets are often vilified
0:22:01 > 0:22:05you know, I mean, I prefer to vilify greedy people
0:22:05 > 0:22:08who keep stuffing their faces and sitting next to me
0:22:08 > 0:22:11on planes and things and taking up at least a half of my seat.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I'm only allowed 10 kilos in my bag
0:22:14 > 0:22:18and so's the fat bastard in front of me, you know what I mean?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21He's carrying 20 kilos under his jumper, you know?
0:22:21 > 0:22:26And I go on, Mr Slim and I've got 12.2,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29No, I've got to take a couple of books out me bag. Have I? Yeah.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31What if I stuff them up his jumper?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35This is Captain Patterson speaking, on behalf of Bucketflot airlines
0:22:35 > 0:22:39I would just like to welcome you aboard flight 587 to Greece.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44We should be flying at a altitude of 35,000 feet but as my co-pilot
0:22:44 > 0:22:49today is Fat Bloke, we probably won't manage more than 15,000 feet.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53So don't have a go at people who are trying to do something about it,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56tackle these great lard arses who just think it's fine
0:22:56 > 0:23:00to eat kebab and chips 14 times a day.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Size 10 and 12 is... People are like,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05"Women aren't naturally size 10, come on, get real,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07"We are size 16 these days".
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Yeah, but we're over a size 16 and size 40 waist, men,
0:23:10 > 0:23:14cos we're eating too much. It's not how we're supposed to be.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18We didn't evolve to be blubbers and go to Dorothy Perkins, extra large.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22They give them names that aren't humiliating, are they?
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Dorothy Perkins Finesse.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27I have put on a lot of weight though,
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I used to be 7 pound 3 ounces.
0:23:29 > 0:23:35I remember, as a teenager, kind of, circling Slim Fast in Boots,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- JAWS THEME - as if it had magical properties...
0:23:40 > 0:23:44..and I even bought a tub of it and I kept it under my bed.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48And I would just take it out and look at it
0:23:48 > 0:23:51like it was the ring from Lord Of The Rings.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57This was the solution to all my problems but if I ever opened it,
0:23:57 > 0:24:01you know, like it was a Pandora's box and all the sorrows
0:24:01 > 0:24:07and woes of the world would come out of this tub of banana Slim Fast.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11It all starts off in your head. You need to look after your head first,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14and everything else will connect.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I'm going to hug a tree now.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21How very hippy, trippy green of you.
0:24:21 > 0:24:26Those veggie, vegan, right on, limp-wristed, lettuce lovers
0:24:26 > 0:24:29seem to be everywhere these days.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33People who just eat fish. Pescatorians.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35They can pescator off in my opinion.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38There may be vegetarians in the room
0:24:38 > 0:24:42when you're even doing something like this, they'll say something.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47Normally they'll answer through their food pipe, "You mustn't mock me. We're people too."
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Or if they've got the energy, they'll actually get up!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I've got mates of mine who are vegetarians
0:24:55 > 0:24:59and I always make a special effort when they come round.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04I do, for example, a vegetarian curry, I do some nice pilau rice
0:25:04 > 0:25:07and I'll maybe do a sag aloo, which is spinach and potato
0:25:07 > 0:25:09and to that I'll add a bit of ginger,
0:25:09 > 0:25:14a bit of turmeric, a bit of coriander, some ground cumin, some garam masala
0:25:14 > 0:25:17and then I cook it in lard.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I'm being facetious. I was vegetarian for three years.
0:25:20 > 0:25:26Incredibly hard round my dad, who literally measures life by "money and meat, yeah? Meat, boy!
0:25:26 > 0:25:30"Meat and money, meat, money, meat, money, meat, money, death.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32"That's right, boy, life. Meat and money."
0:25:32 > 0:25:36My dad actually counts, will start the meal by counting.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Let's say we've gone for a curry, for example.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43He'll count the bits of chicken tikka to assess value. What a caveman.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48"In my chicken tikka there better be at least eight hunks of meat",
0:25:48 > 0:25:51M-O-Y-T, "moyt" and he'll count it,
0:25:51 > 0:25:55"one, two, three, good value, nice one, Abdul. Feast, family."
0:25:55 > 0:25:59There is a vegetarian supermarket here in Chorlton
0:25:59 > 0:26:03and I made the mistake of asking one of the staff, who was in fact a...
0:26:03 > 0:26:06they do themselves no favours, a dreadlocked granny,
0:26:06 > 0:26:10must be 75, grey dreadlock,
0:26:10 > 0:26:16dread man, dreaded up there, now, me say,
0:26:16 > 0:26:20grey dreadlock, all the way down the back, long one, you know,
0:26:20 > 0:26:25pierced nose, crocs, and rolled up dungarees.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I mean, honestly, you couldn't make it up,
0:26:27 > 0:26:32and I said "Excuse me, I can't seem to find your eggs," and she went,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35"We don't sell eggs" and I thought, "My God!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38"It's vegan, it's a vegan shop", so I said,
0:26:38 > 0:26:42"Well, you can keep your garlic cashews then, I'm off" and I walked.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46They don't stock honey, do they? Cos it's stealing from the bees!
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Ah. Stealing from the bees. They're all going to come back in a swarm
0:26:51 > 0:26:54and sting us to death, aren't they?
0:26:54 > 0:27:00Oh, my God! Vegetarians, good luck to you. Vegans, what on Earth?!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02I went through the stage of being a vegan
0:27:02 > 0:27:05but purely because I fancied someone who was a vegan.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I wanted him to think I was cool so I became... I nearly died.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I had beans on toast for two years,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I was about six stone by the end of that relationship.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Vegetarians, what they fail to realise
0:27:16 > 0:27:21is that meat is only a by-product of making shoes and belts.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26What we going to do when we've all made our suede jackets and things?
0:27:26 > 0:27:30You can't just leave, like, I mean, that animal ceases to exist,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33it won't hold itself together cos we've had the skin off it.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37So, you might as well eat that, that's really environmental,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39that's got to be environmentally sound,
0:27:39 > 0:27:42otherwise it will just go ppffff.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43The scotch egg.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47The scotch egg, for me, especially if you're a vegan,
0:27:47 > 0:27:52is there anything more philosophically corrupt for the vegan than the scotch egg,
0:27:52 > 0:27:57which has death on the outside and the potential for life within?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02It seems like every month, some scientist is telling us
0:28:02 > 0:28:06that certain foods are bad for us and certain foods are good.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Well, now they've gone the whole roast hog
0:28:08 > 0:28:13and decided that some foods have superpowers,
0:28:13 > 0:28:18and like lemmings we're all blindly jumping on the superfood bandwagon.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22It's funny, the whole superfood thing,
0:28:22 > 0:28:24they're just great foods to eat.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Fantastic! Avocados, magical. Rub it on your face,
0:28:28 > 0:28:31don't even eat it, rub it on your face. It's wicked for your skin.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34What makes me laugh about superfoods is,
0:28:34 > 0:28:36being Iranian, I've grown up with pomegranates,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39pomegranate is like, the national fruit of Iran,
0:28:39 > 0:28:41and all of a sudden, in this country
0:28:41 > 0:28:47we've discovered the pomegranate and it's sold at exorbitant prices.
0:28:49 > 0:28:54It's just a fruit, all fruit and veg is good for you, eat it and shut up.
0:28:54 > 0:28:58Gillian McKeith says it's meant to make you look all shiny and healthy.
0:28:58 > 0:28:59Have a look, love.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03The latest thing with superfoods is that you're made to feel bad,
0:29:03 > 0:29:07almost ostracised, if you don't know about...
0:29:07 > 0:29:11"You don't have goji berries and quinoa?
0:29:11 > 0:29:13"Well, you know...
0:29:13 > 0:29:14"die now."
0:29:14 > 0:29:18I want to be committed on the superfood thing but surely
0:29:18 > 0:29:20with superfoods, is it like a super hero?
0:29:20 > 0:29:24Is it like, you can have a small amount of contact with a superfood
0:29:24 > 0:29:26and that will do for the year?
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Of course it doesn't work, you know,
0:29:28 > 0:29:32avocados are going to make you run at 60 miles per hour
0:29:32 > 0:29:35and like, if you have some mung beans or something,
0:29:35 > 0:29:40it's going to help you work out the internal angles of a parallelogram?
0:29:40 > 0:29:41Just nonsense.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Finding out that beetroot is really good for you
0:29:46 > 0:29:49can't be any surprise because it's really good for you
0:29:49 > 0:29:51apart from the fact that it's horrible.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54You know, so if you're going to eat something that's horrible,
0:29:54 > 0:29:57it would have to have something going for it, wouldn't it?
0:29:58 > 0:30:01But now we've got all these foods open to us,
0:30:01 > 0:30:03we should be forgetting beetroot, really.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06But it is primarily a female thing, the beetroot.
0:30:06 > 0:30:10Men who like beetroot are not to be trusted.
0:30:10 > 0:30:15I'm absolutely off it on acai berry at the moment,
0:30:15 > 0:30:17I'm on acerola cherries.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20You getting anything off that acerola cherry?
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Mate, that is absolutely great. Do you know what?
0:30:23 > 0:30:26before I came in here I did two of those acai berries
0:30:26 > 0:30:30and they were like, "Just do one, mate" and I was like, "No, I'm going to do two,"
0:30:30 > 0:30:32took them in an innocent smoothie, downed the lot.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34I'm having an absolute blinder.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37I love blueberries but I wouldn't go nuts, just, well,
0:30:37 > 0:30:40I like nuts, but I wouldn't go blueberries for them. Oh.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42This is a horrible conundrum, we've got into.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45SINGS COUNTDOWN CONUNDRUM MUSIC
0:30:45 > 0:30:49One thing guaranteed to get us Grumpies groaning
0:30:49 > 0:30:56is how those supermarkets ravage towns all across the UK.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Transforming quaint little places
0:31:00 > 0:31:04into nothing more than roundabouts and car parks.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07It's a love-hate thing going on with supermarkets,
0:31:07 > 0:31:12because they put up these massive, giant, hangar-like places
0:31:12 > 0:31:16and fill them full of nicely attractive polished up food.
0:31:17 > 0:31:22And things don't get any easier when you enter the culinary coliseum.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26There's simply too much choice.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30Do we really need 1,000 different breakfast cereals?
0:31:30 > 0:31:35And then it's a battle of conscience over cost.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37The carbon footprint, the sell-by date,
0:31:37 > 0:31:41air miles, plastic packaging.
0:31:41 > 0:31:42it's a ruddy minefield.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50You get into this dilemma, where you think, the Kenyan fine bean.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52It's flown in from Kenya, it's beautiful.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55The sugar snap pea, flown in from Kenya, it's beautiful.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58We don't have them over here, there isn't an alternative.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00But you think, if I don't buy them
0:32:00 > 0:32:04I'm affecting Kenyan farmers who are making a lot of money out of that
0:32:04 > 0:32:07but the irrigation is taking a lot of water out of Kenya.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11I'm like, I don't really care, you know, carbon footprint to me,
0:32:11 > 0:32:15the only carbon involved in my life is when I overcook me dinner.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17It's a nightmare, constantly trying to juggle things.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20Are air miles or packaging more important?
0:32:20 > 0:32:23If it's come from Israel, it's probably tastier
0:32:23 > 0:32:26than if it's come from Southend.
0:32:26 > 0:32:32I don't like the fact that I have to be the entire world's conscience
0:32:32 > 0:32:34when I'm just trying to get a bit of dinner.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37Sell-by dates themselves are this constant tease of like,
0:32:37 > 0:32:38"do you believe me?
0:32:38 > 0:32:41"Are you going to go past me? What do you think?
0:32:41 > 0:32:44"If you eat me after this date you might get botulism,
0:32:44 > 0:32:46"but are you big enough to take the risk?
0:32:46 > 0:32:49"Come on, try me, it's only two days since I expired, what do you think?
0:32:49 > 0:32:54"Three days is pushing it, but two? You want that, don't you? Come on."
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Of course, if the supermarket leaves you bamboozled,
0:32:57 > 0:33:00with its row upon row of products,
0:33:00 > 0:33:04you could always pop on your wellies and hunt out a farmers market...
0:33:06 > 0:33:11..where, supposedly, everything is nicer, tastier, organic, free range,
0:33:11 > 0:33:15and has had a happy fulfilling life. And costs the earth.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20I mean, you're actually paying for the earth.
0:33:20 > 0:33:24Being a bit of a foodie, I do try and source, you know,
0:33:24 > 0:33:27good, organic, local, I always think,
0:33:27 > 0:33:31provinence-based goods to cook with, but they are few and far between.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35I mean, I love the local farmers market I go to in Ally Pally,
0:33:35 > 0:33:39but honestly, you need to re-mortgage before you go up there.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42If I go to the farm shop up the road from us,
0:33:42 > 0:33:45known locally as the £50 shop.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49It's like, no matter what you buy it seems to come to around £50.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56I'm not really into this farmers market stuff. The only time you'd find me at one
0:33:56 > 0:33:58is if there was a kebab shop and snooker table.
0:33:58 > 0:34:03The difference between that and a French market, unbelievable.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06French markets are farmers who come with their produce,
0:34:06 > 0:34:07the same as they do in England,
0:34:07 > 0:34:10and it's cheaper than the supermarkets.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12It's cheaper, it's better, it's fresher.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15And they come along with their wares and their chattels
0:34:15 > 0:34:19and all covered in the usual crap, and mud
0:34:19 > 0:34:23and like, things crawling out of it to give it that extra authenticity.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27In England, farmer's markets are only made for the aristocracy.
0:34:27 > 0:34:32You've got to go down in your roller and wear your finery.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36Nibble on bits of cheese and go away with a 40-pound chicken,
0:34:36 > 0:34:38and not in weight, by the way,
0:34:38 > 0:34:41that's how much it costs you for a chicken for two people.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45Because it's got cow poo on, it's twice the price.
0:34:45 > 0:34:50It's got coo poo on, it's from the farmers market. Then I don't mind paying £20 for it.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Here's an apple, it's covered in bird poo but it's from the farmers market.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56If it's covered in poo, pay twice the price.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Not for me.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04Kebab and chips, please, Mr Farmer.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08And now I'm on to THE perfect red wine.
0:35:10 > 0:35:15And nothing shows how cultured or classy you are as a fine wine.
0:35:15 > 0:35:16Mm!
0:35:16 > 0:35:19But can any of us really tell the difference
0:35:19 > 0:35:22between a bottle of plonk or a fine pinot noir?
0:35:23 > 0:35:27That is just wall to wall fruit.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31I think it's always nice to start off with something quite,
0:35:31 > 0:35:34you know, maybe over the £10 mark, even.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Oh!
0:35:36 > 0:35:38But then, after that, I can't taste it.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40I just, I don't really...
0:35:40 > 0:35:43I know there's going to be people watching this,
0:35:43 > 0:35:47especially my family, going, "Oh, why are you so common?"
0:35:47 > 0:35:48Sorry.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Mmm. Urgh.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55It's like oranges, almost like orange boxes too, pencil shavings.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58I don't tend to pay more than a fiver for a bottle of wine,
0:35:58 > 0:36:01I've been lucky enough to be in a posh restaurant now and again
0:36:01 > 0:36:03and you see bottles for £40, £50.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05I genuinely can't taste the difference.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08And when people say, "you just don't have a mature palate",
0:36:08 > 0:36:11it's like, "No, I don't have a mature wallet."
0:36:11 > 0:36:14It's like a great pile of grapefruits and lemons
0:36:14 > 0:36:17all fresh cut and heaped together.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19If you were in a Chinese restaurant and by mistake
0:36:19 > 0:36:24you drank the finger bowl with those flowers in it, it's like that.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27I was on holiday with some of my friends and we had themed nights,
0:36:27 > 0:36:33and I chose the '70s as my theme and we had a bottle of Blue Nun.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35I thought it was lovely.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38Are you laughing?
0:36:38 > 0:36:40It's as though someone has taken
0:36:40 > 0:36:47an entire spice cupboard and hurled it into a vat of perfumed bath oil.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54The wine industry, because that's what it is, essentially, now,
0:36:54 > 0:36:57is a con, along with all the rest of the culinary nonsense.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00You get these experts on television and they're going,
0:37:00 > 0:37:04"Oh, yes, do you know what it's got? It's got a very arrogant bouquet."
0:37:04 > 0:37:05Arrogant bouquet.
0:37:05 > 0:37:10You get nettles, you know, the sort of taste of the smell and you also get new mown hay.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12It's a bottle of wine, get over it.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Some people can tell, you know, its fruitiness,
0:37:15 > 0:37:19and they can tell the year and they can tell the acidity
0:37:19 > 0:37:25at which the vineyard cultivated the grapes...
0:37:25 > 0:37:27I can't tell that, but I can sort of tell
0:37:27 > 0:37:30if the bottle's been open and left for a day and a half
0:37:30 > 0:37:34before a glass has been poured in because it's a bit like diesel.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37I do get so frustrated with these people who go on about wine, particularly.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41"It's not good. Oh, it's got a good head, it's got a good body..."
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Either it tastes like vinegar or it's quite nice.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46That's all you need to know.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Something of everything there,
0:37:48 > 0:37:51apples rotting in an old school desk,
0:37:51 > 0:37:54a dart board on fire near a toothpick farm,
0:37:54 > 0:37:57a newt on holiday in Tangiers. What did you think, Oz?
0:37:57 > 0:37:59I love you.
0:37:59 > 0:38:04Going out for a meal can be more catastrophic than gastronomic.
0:38:04 > 0:38:08For a start, the waiters are supposed to wait on us
0:38:08 > 0:38:11but often leave us doing all the waiting.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14And when they do decide to grace us with their presence
0:38:14 > 0:38:17they peer down their noses at us,
0:38:17 > 0:38:21giving us that look that says "The customer is always...
0:38:21 > 0:38:24"a right pain in the neck."
0:38:24 > 0:38:29And in return for being made to feel that you're inconveniencing their evening,
0:38:29 > 0:38:31they want a tip!?
0:38:31 > 0:38:33The British, we can be in a restaurant
0:38:33 > 0:38:41and get the most abysmal food and service and the whole evening,
0:38:41 > 0:38:43I've been out to dinner with friends,
0:38:43 > 0:38:46where almost the whole evening was talking about
0:38:46 > 0:38:50"Oh, look at that. Have you seen...? Oh. Look at the under side of that."
0:38:50 > 0:38:52Waiter comes along and says, "Everything OK?"
0:38:52 > 0:38:55- "Lovely thank you..." - SHE MOUTHS
0:38:55 > 0:38:58Could you make me a Waldorf salad?
0:38:59 > 0:39:02- A Wa...- Waldorf salad.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04I think we've just out of waldorfs.
0:39:06 > 0:39:11Whereas an American, they will order like, a tuna salad,
0:39:11 > 0:39:14a tuna and tomato salad and always off the carte.
0:39:14 > 0:39:19- Just go out there and see if he knows how to fix me a Waldorf salad. - Of course, yes.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21I've got that real English thing about me,
0:39:21 > 0:39:25that if it says on the receipt you've got to leave a tip,
0:39:25 > 0:39:29I'll leave it because I've been told that I've got to do it, so I better do it
0:39:29 > 0:39:32even if they've been rubbish I'll still do it, you know.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35I love this discretionary service charge,
0:39:35 > 0:39:40discretionary service charge which isn't discretionary
0:39:40 > 0:39:42because it's already been added to your bill,
0:39:42 > 0:39:46sort of, metaphorically, you've got a gun to your head.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49I've only ever once had them remove it though, I did once.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53The service was so awful, that I actually quite relished
0:39:53 > 0:39:57when the bill came and the service charge was on, saying,
0:39:57 > 0:40:01"Can you bring that bill back without the service charge, please?"
0:40:01 > 0:40:05and they didn't even, they couldn't even go, "Why?"
0:40:05 > 0:40:09They were like, "All right, fair do's, yeah, you've got a point there".
0:40:09 > 0:40:11And then, it depends, tipping.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14You do it in England if you're told to do it,
0:40:14 > 0:40:16you do it in America whatever,
0:40:16 > 0:40:19you don't do it there because it's rude.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21It's all too much for me, really.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23I can never really get my head round it.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Having worked as a waiter, I have more sympathy.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27I love it when you see a new waiter
0:40:27 > 0:40:31who doesn't know what they're doing and I see a bit of myself in them
0:40:31 > 0:40:33and I feel a lot of sympathy for them.
0:40:33 > 0:40:37I think a lot of the service is very good but, erm,
0:40:37 > 0:40:40how am I going to say this without seeming like a Daily Mail reader?
0:40:40 > 0:40:44The relationship you have with your waiter can really make or break a meal.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47It's great when you can talk and joke with them.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49What happens more often is you talk to them
0:40:49 > 0:40:54and they don't speak any English except being able to take your order.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57- Excuse me.- Yes?- We've been waiting here for half an hour, now,
0:40:57 > 0:40:59I mean, I gave the waiter our order.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02- Oh, him, he's hopeless, isn't he? - I don't wish to complain
0:41:02 > 0:41:04but when he does bring something it's wrong.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06You think I don't know?
0:41:06 > 0:41:08I mean, you only have to eat here, we have to live with it.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11I had to pay his fare all the way from Barcelona
0:41:11 > 0:41:13but you can't get the staff. It's a nightmare!
0:41:13 > 0:41:17It's kind of true that if you can't communicate as to what you want,
0:41:17 > 0:41:20the experience is gone and I find it very difficult
0:41:20 > 0:41:23when you ask for something and they bring you something else...
0:41:23 > 0:41:25I'd better not get into that.
0:41:25 > 0:41:29Actually, old boy, the form is that you catch the waitress's eye.
0:41:29 > 0:41:30Look, I'll show you.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36I went to a Michelin-starred place in Dublin once
0:41:36 > 0:41:39and the staff were incredibly snooty.
0:41:43 > 0:41:47And there was a thing that they had done wrong, basically...
0:41:51 > 0:41:53..and I had a legitimate complaint.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55Waitress!
0:41:56 > 0:42:00And I kept trying to make it and the guy kept talking over me, you know
0:42:00 > 0:42:05and eventually I would go, "OK, why don't you stop talking and then you'll know what my problem is?"
0:42:05 > 0:42:09you know, I actually said. And it's quite gratifying to learn
0:42:09 > 0:42:12that because of the recession that place has closed down.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14I was very pleased to hear that.
0:42:14 > 0:42:18I can't stand surly waiters and waitresses and they come down, like,
0:42:18 > 0:42:20like this, with the knife and fork.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23"Can I have some salt and pepper, please?" Salt and pepper.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26You see them gather in the centre of the restaurant going,
0:42:26 > 0:42:31"Did you see them at table 3?" They're having a good time and you go, "Excuse me".
0:42:31 > 0:42:32I just want to slap them.
0:42:32 > 0:42:36It seems that every time you turn on the telly,
0:42:36 > 0:42:41there's a new chef jumping on the celebrity chef band wagon...
0:42:43 > 0:42:47..from Sophie Dahl, who never got model-thin eating what she cooks,
0:42:47 > 0:42:53to foul-mouthed Ramsay, who made a fortune f-ing and blinding across our screens.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55You, shut it, OK? Back in your corner.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57Listen to what's going on.
0:42:57 > 0:43:01Celebrity chefs in general, they're overpaid and they're over here.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06I've not got into the whole cooking programme thing,
0:43:06 > 0:43:09which is a bummer for me cos there's nothing else on TV.
0:43:09 > 0:43:10It's all about cooking.
0:43:10 > 0:43:13Antony Worrall Thompson!
0:43:13 > 0:43:19Celebrity chefs, I think should all be lined up and shot.
0:43:19 > 0:43:23That's pukka, well sexy, you know what I mean? Beautiful, nice.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25You'll be laggered by the end of this meal. Beautiful.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27I'm done, mate. Have a nice sleep, pukka.
0:43:29 > 0:43:32Celebrity chefs always seem to be on some crusade,
0:43:32 > 0:43:34telling us stuff we already know,
0:43:34 > 0:43:41all for some ruddy book or to endorse their new kitchen utensil.
0:43:41 > 0:43:45Give us a break! A fork will forking do just as good a job.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49Ready, steady, cook!
0:43:49 > 0:43:53What, it's been 10 years now that we've been putting up with Ramsay
0:43:53 > 0:43:57and Oliver and Nigella, and what's she about?
0:43:57 > 0:44:01Every week it's melons and bananas. You tell me, all right?
0:44:01 > 0:44:04She should just do it topless and just get it over and done with.
0:44:04 > 0:44:07That's my opinion, you know.
0:44:07 > 0:44:09Well, it's my fantasy, really.
0:44:12 > 0:44:17..Smells so heavenly and my oranges, they are bobbing about.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20I wouldn't actually eat any food from Nigella
0:44:20 > 0:44:22even though her recipes are great -
0:44:22 > 0:44:25the fact that she'd have licked her fingers
0:44:25 > 0:44:29all the way through the preparation of my food. No. No.
0:44:29 > 0:44:32I only saw Nigella's programme for the first time recently.
0:44:32 > 0:44:35It looked like someone doing an impersonation
0:44:35 > 0:44:38of Ronni Ancona doing an impersonation of Nigella Lawson.
0:44:38 > 0:44:41I have here chopped onions.
0:44:41 > 0:44:42Hot bacon.
0:44:42 > 0:44:44- Spring onions.- Cold turkey.
0:44:44 > 0:44:46- Summer- onions, some aren't onions.
0:44:46 > 0:44:47White bread.
0:44:50 > 0:44:52- And there we have it.- Cut.
0:44:52 > 0:44:55Nigella, I think we caught a bit of the wand in shot.
0:44:55 > 0:44:58Did we? Oh, look, I'm so sorry.
0:44:58 > 0:45:02She'd open her fridge and she goes, "Look." She'd take out a bag
0:45:02 > 0:45:07and say, "I always have these frozen wolf nipple chips.
0:45:07 > 0:45:10"You just don't know when you're going to... They're so useful!
0:45:10 > 0:45:13"Always keep a bag of these because you don't know
0:45:13 > 0:45:17"when you're going to use them. How easy is that?" What?
0:45:17 > 0:45:21The thing about this time of year - you want to have your friends over,
0:45:21 > 0:45:23you want to be hospitable, you want to have a party
0:45:23 > 0:45:26and yet it can be a complete nightmare.
0:45:26 > 0:45:28I do know that.
0:45:28 > 0:45:31The thing I find a bit weird about Nigella Lawson is that
0:45:31 > 0:45:34she's always talking about how she hasn't got time to cook anything.
0:45:34 > 0:45:40So the food has to be really great to eat but, above all, easy on me.
0:45:40 > 0:45:41So, she'll always be saying,
0:45:41 > 0:45:45"Right, I need to make a meal for six tonight,
0:45:45 > 0:45:48"but I'm too busy to do it, so here are my cheats."
0:45:48 > 0:45:52And I just think, "What does Nigella think she does for a living?"
0:45:52 > 0:45:56What is she too busy doing to cook?
0:45:56 > 0:45:59Is there a whole other fantasy career that Nigella Lawson has,
0:45:59 > 0:46:01that we don't know about,
0:46:01 > 0:46:04that means she doesn't have time to cook the meals
0:46:04 > 0:46:08for her TV cookery show? I don't understand.
0:46:08 > 0:46:11It's your job to cook it. Where are you off to?
0:46:11 > 0:46:15They're all chefs now. Sophie Dahl, which is pretty handy,
0:46:15 > 0:46:18cos her surname is the name of an Indian side dish,
0:46:18 > 0:46:20so that's quite clever really.
0:46:20 > 0:46:24- Jamie- Olive-er,- no, don't work, really, does it?
0:46:28 > 0:46:31I do quite like Jamie Oliver, I do like Jamie Oliver.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34There's something nice, rugged and sweet about him.
0:46:34 > 0:46:37Rosy cheeks, lovely pretty wife and cute kids.
0:46:39 > 0:46:41Mmm, thank you very much.
0:46:41 > 0:46:42Good on you, mate.
0:46:42 > 0:46:44Let's have a little taste. Blinding, pukka.
0:46:44 > 0:46:45Quite like that.
0:46:48 > 0:46:50Sweeeet.
0:46:50 > 0:46:55I had a great love of food before I went on MasterChef.
0:46:55 > 0:46:58These celebrities are all passionate about food.
0:46:58 > 0:47:00You've got the chefs, there, with their arms folded
0:47:00 > 0:47:03taking it all far too seriously.
0:47:03 > 0:47:06We're looking for that exceptional cooking star.
0:47:06 > 0:47:08I didn't like MasterChef.
0:47:08 > 0:47:10Someone who's more than just a good home cook.
0:47:10 > 0:47:15"Food does not get any more serious than this".
0:47:15 > 0:47:18Someone with that extra something special.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21"This is the moment of truth".
0:47:26 > 0:47:29It's not the moment of truth, it's a cake!
0:47:29 > 0:47:31How far can you go on MasterChef?
0:47:31 > 0:47:34I'd like to go very far, all the way to the end. Bye-bye.
0:47:34 > 0:47:37What I found most stressful about doing MasterChef,
0:47:37 > 0:47:39here's a bit of behind the scenes for you,
0:47:39 > 0:47:42is the fact that there's no food behind the scenes.
0:47:42 > 0:47:45So, if I was crying it was because I was hungry,
0:47:45 > 0:47:47not because I was stressed out.
0:47:47 > 0:47:49I was just hungry.
0:47:49 > 0:47:55The celebrity chefs that I don't like are the ones that do the bullying thing
0:47:55 > 0:47:59and to me it's such a manufactured ill temper,
0:47:59 > 0:48:03it's like watching those wrestlers on Sunday morning when you're a kid,
0:48:03 > 0:48:06"Waa!" and they're all jumping on each other's head
0:48:06 > 0:48:10and doing moves that, if they were real, the other person would be dead.
0:48:10 > 0:48:13My pudding is similar to a traditional Christmas pudding in many ways.
0:48:13 > 0:48:18It looks great, it's full of naughty ingredients and can be made in advance,
0:48:18 > 0:48:21but is easier to make and much lighter.
0:48:21 > 0:48:23I guess it's a bit like a Christmas present -
0:48:23 > 0:48:24the wrapping looks great
0:48:24 > 0:48:27and when you open it there's a wonderful surprise inside.
0:48:27 > 0:48:28That's shit!
0:48:28 > 0:48:30Ramsey's a bit of an individual case,
0:48:30 > 0:48:35he was a kind of meticulous, you know, top international chef
0:48:35 > 0:48:39who has dubious people skills.
0:48:39 > 0:48:41You're going to think I'm a right arsehole.
0:48:41 > 0:48:46I've watched his thing recently, for the first time
0:48:46 > 0:48:49and there are all these people who want to be chefs
0:48:49 > 0:48:52and people come in to have dinner and can see through to the kitchen,
0:48:52 > 0:48:54and he's screaming at them all!
0:48:54 > 0:48:57- I can't just think about one- BLEEP- table.
0:48:57 > 0:48:59"You call that a starter?"
0:48:59 > 0:49:00- Move down, you- BLEEP- doughnut.
0:49:00 > 0:49:03"If that had come out of my arse, I'd be ashamed."
0:49:03 > 0:49:05- Oh, for- BLEEP- sake.
0:49:05 > 0:49:10"Get out, you scum, you're worthless! You're worse than a centipede!
0:49:10 > 0:49:12"Lay down on the floor and be trodden on,
0:49:12 > 0:49:15"you stinking, filthy, despicable moron."
0:49:15 > 0:49:19- I don't want- BLEEP- 33 customers refusing to pay for the main course.
0:49:19 > 0:49:24I've sort of, for want of a better word, been in TV for 15 years or so
0:49:24 > 0:49:27and I was always told you're not supposed to swear.
0:49:27 > 0:49:32- All I want is 50 customers served 50 souffles and 50- BLEEP- bills paid.
0:49:32 > 0:49:35I sound like such an old man, but when someone comes along and goes
0:49:35 > 0:49:38"He's a chef but he swears!"
0:49:38 > 0:49:41Right, that's an interesting twist on cookery.
0:49:41 > 0:49:46"Get out, get out of my sight! I hope you're stabbed to death,"
0:49:46 > 0:49:49and like, I think, if I was sort of,
0:49:49 > 0:49:54if I was at that place, I'd think, "Ooh, I'm going somewhere else."
0:49:54 > 0:49:57I don't care if the starter is a little bit cold
0:49:57 > 0:49:58or something's not right,
0:49:58 > 0:50:01but I do care that in order to make this starter
0:50:01 > 0:50:03seven people have been murdered.
0:50:03 > 0:50:07His books are the most complicated books on Earth,
0:50:07 > 0:50:10I mean, I tried to follow, I'm very good at making scrambled eggs
0:50:10 > 0:50:12and I tried to follow his recipe.
0:50:12 > 0:50:15They weren't as good as mine and it took nearly an hour.
0:50:15 > 0:50:18I wonder how many suicides are caused by this,
0:50:18 > 0:50:21I wonder how many piles of corpses at the bottom of Beachy Head
0:50:21 > 0:50:24have been created because people have thought,
0:50:24 > 0:50:28"I tried to get my cupcake the same as Nigella's
0:50:28 > 0:50:31"but I just couldn't get the icing to stay level".
0:50:31 > 0:50:35Gordon Ramsay. I've never watched one of his programmes all the way through
0:50:35 > 0:50:41- because I can't- BLEEP- bear - BLEEP- people who- BLEEP- swear all the- BLEEP- time.
0:50:43 > 0:50:47Today it seems that everyone's allergic to something
0:50:47 > 0:50:50and things that used to be bad manners like bloating and wind
0:50:50 > 0:50:53are now all blamed on an allergic reaction.
0:50:55 > 0:50:59I'm intolerant of people who are intolerant.
0:50:59 > 0:51:02They come round and ask, "Has that got air in it?"
0:51:02 > 0:51:05And you're like, "Yeah, it's a sponge cake."
0:51:08 > 0:51:13"Yeah, but has that air been passed over a cashew nut
0:51:13 > 0:51:16"at any point in the last millennium?"
0:51:16 > 0:51:18And you're like, "Not sure." "No, I can't have it."
0:51:20 > 0:51:25"Have you got any anti-histamine just in case?" I'm like, "Get out!"
0:51:25 > 0:51:28And then there's the wheat allergies, dairy intolerance
0:51:28 > 0:51:31and monosodium glutamate phobia.
0:51:31 > 0:51:35Remember how, as a child, you had an imaginary friend?
0:51:35 > 0:51:38Well, now you're grown-up, you can have an imaginary illness.
0:51:38 > 0:51:42There was an experiment done recently on a programme that I saw,
0:51:42 > 0:51:44not that I watch much TV, it sounds like I do,
0:51:44 > 0:51:47where they had someone, a bunch of people who said,
0:51:47 > 0:51:50"I always have a reaction to MSG, monosodium glutamate,
0:51:50 > 0:51:53"an allergic reaction, no, I can't!"
0:51:53 > 0:51:57So this particular chef took them out to a Chinese restaurant.
0:51:57 > 0:52:01They said, "Oh, no, they all use MSG, we're going to blow up and burst" and all this,
0:52:01 > 0:52:04and they gave them all this food, chicken fried this,
0:52:04 > 0:52:08noodle fried that and some nasi goreng or whatever,
0:52:08 > 0:52:10and they all munch away and go,
0:52:10 > 0:52:13"Oh, it's happening, I'm getting the tightening of the head,
0:52:13 > 0:52:16"no, I can feel it, I'm getting all headachy.
0:52:16 > 0:52:19"Oh, no, no, I can't. I need to eat some fresh food.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22"Water, is there some water to wash away this MSG?"
0:52:22 > 0:52:24None of the food had MSG in it.
0:52:24 > 0:52:27They were all just bullshitters.
0:52:27 > 0:52:31And then they took the same bunch of people to an Italian restaurant
0:52:31 > 0:52:35where they loved the food and then told them it was packed with MSG.
0:52:35 > 0:52:39You know. Any headaches now? No, they didn't suffer at all.
0:52:40 > 0:52:44Chris Rock has a great routine about that, about how much food...
0:52:44 > 0:52:48"Do you think there's anyone in Rwanda with a lactose intolerance?"
0:52:48 > 0:52:53It does seem slightly strange that it's only, sort of, chubby
0:52:53 > 0:52:56white, western people who seem to have all these food allergies
0:52:56 > 0:52:59and a lot of them are always fat, as well, aren't they?
0:52:59 > 0:53:02"Do you think I want to eat cakes? Let me tell you, I don't, babes.
0:53:02 > 0:53:04"I would love to be eating vegetables
0:53:04 > 0:53:06"but if I eat 'em, I come out in this rash.
0:53:06 > 0:53:10"It's really...disgusting... Why don't men like me?"
0:53:13 > 0:53:16My first girlfriend had a nut allergy
0:53:16 > 0:53:18but I don't really want to go into that.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21People are looking for something to blame,
0:53:21 > 0:53:24whereas what's to blame is they're fat and lazy
0:53:24 > 0:53:25and drink and eat too much.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28It's nothing to do with these intolerances, you know.
0:53:28 > 0:53:32It's just, they want to stuff their faces but want something...
0:53:32 > 0:53:35then they feel dreadful and want it to be the fault of some food group.
0:53:35 > 0:53:38It's not, it's the fault of you, you greedy git.
0:53:38 > 0:53:42- My boss.- Sorry? - She has to have brown bread. She's got Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
0:53:42 > 0:53:46Oh, that's just become a status symbol, that has.
0:53:46 > 0:53:49I get annoyed when people say, "I can't eat bread,
0:53:49 > 0:53:51"I don't want bread," or, "Bread's bad for you!"
0:53:51 > 0:53:54When was bread...? It's in the Bible, daily bread,
0:53:54 > 0:53:57it's always been good for us. Why's bread suddenly this evil?
0:53:57 > 0:54:02Irritable Bowel Syndrome! What happened to flatulence by the way?
0:54:02 > 0:54:06I think it is the same people who say "Cats shouldn't have milk."
0:54:06 > 0:54:10You think, cats want milk! If they see milk they have it!
0:54:10 > 0:54:12That's got to say something, surely?
0:54:12 > 0:54:14Genetic evolution over thousands of years.
0:54:14 > 0:54:17If the cat didn't want the milk, if it wasn't good for him,
0:54:17 > 0:54:20he wouldn't have it. If bread wasn't good for us...
0:54:20 > 0:54:23"Oh, no, bread makes you feel very bloated, you can't have bread, no."
0:54:23 > 0:54:27Has any one ever played Revel roulette with friends with a peanut allergy?
0:54:27 > 0:54:32That's brilliant. If you find a mate who's up for it, do Revel roulette.
0:54:32 > 0:54:36Ohh, coffee! Peanut, game over.
0:54:38 > 0:54:41"Classic, classic mate!" Trachy.
0:54:43 > 0:54:47Those clever scientists who firstly sold us the dairy allergy
0:54:47 > 0:54:50are now cashing in with the cure,
0:54:50 > 0:54:52selling us those little bottles of magic
0:54:52 > 0:54:56that make our tummies all better and smiley.
0:54:57 > 0:55:01What the heck is friendly bacteria?
0:55:01 > 0:55:03Does it like, call you up about 9.00 and say,
0:55:03 > 0:55:08"Do you want to come out for a pint, son? You've had a long day."
0:55:08 > 0:55:11Friendly bacteria? What is that, I don't know?
0:55:11 > 0:55:14I don't know about it.
0:55:14 > 0:55:17God knows what friendly bacteria is.
0:55:17 > 0:55:20I don't know what probiotic means. I'm looking at this.
0:55:20 > 0:55:24It claims that it helps improve digestive transport. I'm no wiser.
0:55:28 > 0:55:31I don't know, it gives you a terminal illness
0:55:31 > 0:55:34but you actually live for eight years rather then four.
0:55:36 > 0:55:41"Yes, well, the test results are through and, um, the good news is,
0:55:41 > 0:55:47"it's friendly bacteria, and so you should make it to Christmas".
0:55:47 > 0:55:50You mean L. casei Immunitas?
0:55:50 > 0:55:53L. casei Immunitas?
0:55:53 > 0:55:57I'm afraid not, that's a planet in Dr Who, wasn't it?
0:55:57 > 0:55:58Bifidus Digestivum.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01Kind of an acidophilus base?
0:56:01 > 0:56:02Basilius made-up-ium?
0:56:02 > 0:56:08What is this invented bullshit that they've...? L. casei Immunitas?
0:56:08 > 0:56:11It's like, shampoos are no better,
0:56:11 > 0:56:15they are full of stuff like boswellocks and rejenium.
0:56:15 > 0:56:16What is that?
0:56:16 > 0:56:19Imaginarium Dr Parnassus is another one.
0:56:23 > 0:56:26There's only so much friendly bacteria can do.
0:56:26 > 0:56:29I'm not saying it doesn't work because I drink it daily,
0:56:29 > 0:56:32but I think sometimes we rush to make false correlations,
0:56:32 > 0:56:38so the already healthy middle class people start drinking bacteria and have quite good health,
0:56:38 > 0:56:40whereas it would be quite interesting
0:56:40 > 0:56:43to feed them to 16-stone Terrys, Garys and Leannes.
0:56:43 > 0:56:46Could you imagine that tiny bacteria?
0:56:46 > 0:56:48"Look, I'm here to try and help you, mate,
0:56:48 > 0:56:52"but there's only so much I can do, you fat bastard".
0:56:52 > 0:56:55Not since drinking bottled water has there been,
0:56:55 > 0:56:59not since that was marketed to us, has the idea of...
0:56:59 > 0:57:01You can imagine that meeting.
0:57:01 > 0:57:04"Right, we're going to teach people to drink bacteria."
0:57:04 > 0:57:06"How we going to sell them on that?"
0:57:06 > 0:57:10"By telling them that there's good bacteria and bad bacteria."
0:57:10 > 0:57:12"OK, we'll give it a whirl."
0:57:12 > 0:57:14And they managed it. I say, hats off!
0:57:14 > 0:57:18There are all kinds of natural things you can put into your body
0:57:18 > 0:57:19which force reactions and things.
0:57:19 > 0:57:24I'm a bit suspicious about them, because "Yakult"?
0:57:25 > 0:57:26Cult!
0:57:28 > 0:57:31I do know about friendly bacteria, actually,
0:57:31 > 0:57:36because it helps break down naughty bacteria that are in your body. We're full of them.
0:57:36 > 0:57:41Saliva has got friendly bacteria in it but you wouldn't want to rub it in your wounds, would you?
0:57:41 > 0:57:47Your stomach contents need friendly bacteria to help digest food,
0:57:47 > 0:57:50it will prevent pumpy smells. You've got friendly bacteria in your colon.
0:57:50 > 0:57:52You know where your colon is, don't you?
0:57:52 > 0:57:55I mean, it's just above your Secombe
0:57:55 > 0:57:58and you don't want to go down there either, small intestine, Secombe,
0:57:58 > 0:58:00colon full of friendly bacteria,
0:58:00 > 0:58:03all the little fusillis, all full of it,
0:58:03 > 0:58:04breaking down your food for you
0:58:04 > 0:58:07into various compartments and departments
0:58:07 > 0:58:09so that you can then enjoy your life. They're good.
0:58:09 > 0:58:11And if you're still hungry after all that,
0:58:11 > 0:58:13get stuffed.
0:58:13 > 0:58:16# Food, glorious food
0:58:16 > 0:58:19# Don't care what it looks like
0:58:19 > 0:58:22# Burnt, underdone, crude
0:58:22 > 0:58:24# Don't care what it cooks like
0:58:24 > 0:58:28# Just thinking of growing fat
0:58:28 > 0:58:31# Our senses go reeling
0:58:31 > 0:58:34# One moment of knowing that
0:58:34 > 0:58:37# Full up feeling
0:58:37 > 0:58:39# Food, magical food
0:58:39 > 0:58:42# Wonderful food, marvellous food
0:58:42 > 0:58:46# Fabulous food, beautiful food
0:58:46 > 0:58:52# Glorious food! #
0:58:52 > 0:58:54HE BURPS