0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:09 > 0:00:13Cars - why is it that we are obsessed with them?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16When we all know that it's virtually impossible
0:00:16 > 0:00:19to get anywhere by road when reliant on four wheels.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22The whole idea that people are interested in this machine.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25This awful, dreadful machine which has ruined our world.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Here in my car I feel safest of all... #
0:00:28 > 0:00:31City centres grind to a halt,
0:00:31 > 0:00:34motorways crawl at a snail's pace
0:00:34 > 0:00:38and if by some miracle you actually get to where you're going,
0:00:38 > 0:00:43you've got to play Russian roulette to find that one parking space
0:00:43 > 0:00:47where you can only stay two hours until some jobsworth slaps with you a massive fine.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- They're all- BLEEP.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I love it when they say, "I've started writing the ticket,
0:00:53 > 0:00:54"so I have to carry on",
0:00:54 > 0:00:58and in my mind, I'm thinking, "I've started to kick you in the gonads,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00"so I've got to carry on".
0:01:01 > 0:01:04The frustrations of driving are legion -
0:01:04 > 0:01:07avoiding those loony, Lycra-clad louts,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11dodging speed cameras and hoping some bloody learner driver
0:01:11 > 0:01:13doesn't take a pot shot at you.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14HORN BEEPS
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Whoa!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18It's no wonder that we see red.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Bus drivers - arseholes.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- Mini-cabs.- Far too fast.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Massive four by fours.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Post Office van drivers.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Blimey!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Hell is other people and hell is other drivers,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33so driving is hell.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52Do you remember those wonderful, golden days of car travel?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Being driven to the coast with the family all together?
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Well, in reality, they weren't bloody wonderful at all.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Or are we all suffering from some kind of collective amnesia?
0:02:04 > 0:02:09Those journeys where fraught with tension and vomit
0:02:09 > 0:02:12and sweets and arguments
0:02:12 > 0:02:15and hell, really.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18My dad, his idea of a holiday
0:02:18 > 0:02:21was bursting into our room at three o'clock in the morning going,
0:02:21 > 0:02:25"Come on, kids, get in the car. We're going away".
0:02:25 > 0:02:28By four o'clock in the morning, we'd all be in the car
0:02:28 > 0:02:32going to Penzance, Land's End, wherever he fancied, Blackpool.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34We'd go on these long, long trips.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38"Are we nearly there yet? Are we nearly there yet?" Smack.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39They were great fun.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41The most fun part was being in the car.
0:02:41 > 0:02:46Smack on the hand, smack, then you'd smack your brother.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49We would have packed the car the night before,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52very meticulously, because there was so much stuff to take.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54There was a specific order it had to go in.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56We had a diagram of the boot of the car
0:02:56 > 0:02:58which showed what had to go where.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01We would have packed it up and we'd get up at 4.30,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04get in, drive off and stop somewhere for breakfast.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08The Happy Eater - that was brilliant.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10With the man pointing to his mouth.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13They always had a little climbing frame outside for the kids.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16That was great! There was a Happy Eater on the way to Brighton.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I remember the Little Chef. Yes, source of many a joke.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22One of my first jokes, I think, was Julian Clary saying,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25"I just popped into a Little Chef, he didn't seem to mind".
0:03:25 > 0:03:30Yeah, nightmarish, really. Yet, they seemed to go on for hours.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I mean, I drove to Devon not just the other day -
0:03:32 > 0:03:34it only took two and a half hours,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37it felt like we were in the car for about six months back then.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40It was ridiculous. But obviously, we weren't.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44And I was car sick and it was...
0:03:45 > 0:03:49..hell, awful, really not good.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54I remember just yawning and then yawning more and then yawning a lot
0:03:54 > 0:03:57and Dad saying to me, "Please, stop. Tell me when you're..."
0:03:57 > 0:04:01And I'd go... And my dad would go, "What's that?"
0:04:01 > 0:04:03WRETCHING
0:04:08 > 0:04:11There was not much to do on the journey
0:04:11 > 0:04:13and my father was fantastic at making up games.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15One of them was Pub Legs.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I don't know if anyone ever played that but it was a great game.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20My sister and I would sit in the back seat
0:04:20 > 0:04:22and you would count the legs in the pub signs
0:04:22 > 0:04:25that went past you, pub names on your side of the road.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28So, if you went past the Queens Head - no legs there.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31But if you passed The Cricketers - 22 legs, you see.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33So, you'd add those up all the way through - great game.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37When we were young, you didn't even have a seat belt.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40You were just, sort of, chucked in the back
0:04:40 > 0:04:43and left to fight with your sister, really.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45We had a little I-SPY book -
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I-SPY Road Signs and things like that.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52So, the 17 hours to Bournemouth in the back of a VW Beetle
0:04:52 > 0:04:54just flew by, as you can imagine.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56The best thing about driving in those days
0:04:56 > 0:05:00was when the mileometer would change to a load of noughts.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03So, we'd get in the journey to Bournemouth or something
0:05:03 > 0:05:05and it would be 28,723 miles.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07My dad would say,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10"There's a good chance that we'll hit 29,000 on this trip".
0:05:10 > 0:05:14The excitement of all the nines changing to noughts...
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I mean, the thought of missing it!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18He'd give us a countdown - "We're ten miles away".
0:05:18 > 0:05:21We'd think, "We can't miss the nines changing to the noughts,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23"it's the most exciting thing."
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Eventually, you'd see those nines going around
0:05:26 > 0:05:29and they'd all become noughts and you'd go, "Wow, wow.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31"The nines have all become noughts.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33"Wow".
0:05:42 > 0:05:46According to Freud, women lack something us men have,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49and we all know what that something is.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54It's the ability to understand why we are so fascinated
0:05:54 > 0:05:56with all things motorised.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00After all, the car is the perfect symbol of masculine power.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Shiny, speedy and sexy.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08There's an expression goes,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"A man would rather admit to being crap in bed,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"than being a bad driver".
0:06:13 > 0:06:15There is that thing that men will say,
0:06:15 > 0:06:19"The size of the car equates to the size of the sexual organ".
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Well, I go everywhere by train.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I've got a big car cos I've got a small cock. It's obvious.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27It's something they can get close to that wont answer back
0:06:27 > 0:06:29and they have complete control over.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31It's the perfect girlfriend.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Father - obsessed with cars.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Brother's obsessed with cars.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Everything was cars.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I loved Scaletrix and of course Formula One
0:06:42 > 0:06:44and rally driving and everything.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47When Magnatraction came in for the Scaletrix,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49it revolutionised the whole speed
0:06:49 > 0:06:52that you could take a car round the little plastic track.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Action men were forced into cars -
0:06:56 > 0:06:58their legs straddled, they couldn't bend -
0:06:58 > 0:07:02forced into cars that were obviously too small for them.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08I don't have that relationship with cars.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12They are just a piece of metal with a big engine, four doors and wheels
0:07:12 > 0:07:15and they take you from one place to another.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Whereas I know there are men who have relationships...
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I mean, there are men who will have sex with their car.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I've been told that. I haven't seen it on the Internet.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28There's a craze for dogging, these days.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30That wouldn't really be my kind of thing.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32It doesn't involve eating.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36But we do have an estate now, so we would actually have room
0:07:36 > 0:07:39to fall asleep listening to the radio.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42That's about as near as I get to dogging these days.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I can't get involved in all that sexual shenanigans any more.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49These days, I need three days notice, a Labour government and a splint.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56And nothing tests the gender divide
0:07:56 > 0:07:59like letting the other half behind the wheel...
0:08:00 > 0:08:03..while you have to sit there terrified, paralysed
0:08:03 > 0:08:06and in need of a change of underwear.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08My God!
0:08:08 > 0:08:14When it comes to driving, I like me, in my car,
0:08:14 > 0:08:20my music, my Midget Gems, my rules. That's the way it's got to be.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25I think men, in general, have got a different way of driving than women.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I mean, it's personality, isn't it?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32If there's somebody behind me and they're right up against me,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34you can bet it's a bloke.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Do you want me to do this or...?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38No, Kathleen, men are better drivers.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43The issue is that I don't really want to drive cos I like being driven.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45But whilst being driven,
0:08:45 > 0:08:49I also like it to be understood that I am the better driver.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52So, I like it to be, yeah, a general agreement
0:08:52 > 0:08:56that if I were to be driving, I would be the better driver,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58but I want him to drive.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Kathleen, use your mirrors! - I know it's there.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05You virtually went into him. I am scared with your driving.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08You've got no need to be scared of me driving.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12If women were female men, then everything would be fine.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Unfortunately, they're a different species
0:09:14 > 0:09:17and therefore, drive like a different species.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20If only I could stop the car,
0:09:20 > 0:09:22there'd be no problems.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I consider myself a very good driver.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30But then, I'm quite patient. I'm quite calm behind the wheel
0:09:30 > 0:09:32so I always think that I'm quite a good driver
0:09:32 > 0:09:35but then, as soon as I get in the car with my husband,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I become, like...
0:09:39 > 0:09:43She drives really close to other cars, you know.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44I don't know what it is.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Maybe she likes the haircuts of the drivers in the cars in front.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52If we're in the car and the person in front does something,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55not ridiculously stupid but fairly stupid,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57on a scale of one to ten, maybe a five,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59my husband will go, "Oh, stupid cow".
0:09:59 > 0:10:02You know, "Poor old dear", or whatever and I always go, "Yes!"
0:10:02 > 0:10:05when we drive past and it's actually a bloke.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Oh, this is hard going, Kath. Seriously.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I'll keep you right.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13HE LAUGHS
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Do I laugh or do I cry?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18It's amazing how we can get in the car together
0:10:18 > 0:10:20and everything is rosy
0:10:20 > 0:10:24and we're literally heading for the divorce courts towards the end of the journey.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Think for yourself, Richard.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Turn left, here.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I don't understand the expression "back-seat driver".
0:10:34 > 0:10:37It should be passenger-seat driver.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Well, I don't know why "back-seat"?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I don't know many blokes that drive around
0:10:41 > 0:10:43with their wives sat in the back seat.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Yeah, she's the one who does what I call "girl noises".
0:10:47 > 0:10:51So, if she's sitting next to me in the car and we go around a bend...
0:10:51 > 0:10:55I'm not talking about being near traffic or hitting anything, either,
0:10:55 > 0:10:56I'm just talking about a tight bend,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59you get that noise. You get that kind of, "Oooh".
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Oooh!
0:11:01 > 0:11:05"Ooh, ooh!" Or, you know... I often say to her,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"Are your brakes working, as well, love?"
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Richard, you're so close to the edge, it's unbelievable. Get over!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"Have I ever crashed a car with you in it, you know? No.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"Have I ever been near crashing? No."
0:11:17 > 0:11:20She'll go, "I know I'm a bad passenger".
0:11:20 > 0:11:24When you're driving along and you see someone break ahead of you,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26you both notice it at the same time.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I will do something about it and at the same time,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32she's pressing her imaginary brake and going, "Look!"
0:11:32 > 0:11:37And I'm like, "I can see it! I'm right here with you.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39"The brake lights are on, he has stopped,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"I have stopped in plenty of time.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"The fact that you yelled isn't helping!"
0:11:43 > 0:11:46James! Watch, James!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49The only time that our relationship becomes fraught
0:11:49 > 0:11:51is when we're on four wheels.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54But apart from that, we're all right, really, you know,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56cos we don't talk.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I think if we go somewhere as a family, I usually drive,
0:11:59 > 0:12:01but that's because my wife falls asleep
0:12:01 > 0:12:03as soon as I start the ignition.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07It used to annoy me in the early days of our courtship that she wouldn't talk to me.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Now, of course, it's a blessed relief to all of us.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- You're sat there like Jim Jim. - This is the easiest... - You're sat there like Jim Jim.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Are you going to listen? - I'm listening!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24And although we are excellent drivers,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28there are lots of people who really shouldn't be allowed on the road.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30You know the ones -
0:12:30 > 0:12:33those stalling, swerving, non-indicating idiots
0:12:33 > 0:12:36who shouldn't be let out of the house,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40let alone given control of a potential death trap.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41HORN BEEPS
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- Whoa! For Christ's sake! - What's the matter with you?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- What did you do that for? - That car was up your arse.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53On my 17th birthday, my present, gift,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55was a driving lesson,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and I passed when I was 22.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03So, 200 lessons, passed fifth time.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I was a natural, really.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10Coming from Swanley in Kent, if you were a boy and you got to 18
0:13:10 > 0:13:12and you hadn't got your driving licence,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15people would go, "Are you queer or what?"
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I had, like, a really creepy driving instructor.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22"Just imagine there is a pot of gold on the edge of your bonnet.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24"Why would you spill it? You wouldn't".
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I never wanted to learn to drive. I never saw the point of it.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I never lusted after the car,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I never lusted after the so-called freedom that it gives you.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35The only reason I took my test, or started to learn,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39was because I fancied a girl called Margo when I was 17
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and Margo liked the man who had the flashy car.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45She didn't want intelligence, she didn't want sporting ability,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48she didn't want someone who could play Scrabble - madness!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51She wanted someone who had a big car who could take her nice places.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53So, for Margo, I started to learn to drive
0:13:53 > 0:13:56and I had the first lesson with my father
0:13:56 > 0:13:59and ended up turning right into Offenham from Evesham
0:13:59 > 0:14:01and ended up in a ditch.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Look out! Cliff!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I don't think I went in a car again for about three years.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18Driving instructors keep standing me up.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22I had three in a row that either didn't turn up
0:14:22 > 0:14:23or turned up over an hour late,
0:14:23 > 0:14:28or turned up and gave me a lesson and never returned my calls again.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I started to get so paranoid.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Am I saying, "Hello, I'd like a driving lesson",
0:14:32 > 0:14:35or am I going, "Hello, I'd like to marry you"?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- That was a lousy lesson. The worst one you've ever had.- Good.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42The nice ending to the story was that I didn't impress Margo.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I bought a bicycle instead and impressed her best friend,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49who actually had a better sense of humour and larger tits.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Oh, this is a nice, wide road, isn't it?- Yes, isn't it.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59There's an aeroplane. I want to get out!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06My first test, it started very badly,
0:15:06 > 0:15:11because what I realised was that my instructor that I'd had up to that point had never...
0:15:11 > 0:15:15When he picked me up for a lesson,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19he would leave the engine running and get out of the car
0:15:19 > 0:15:23and go into the passenger seat and I would get into the driver's seat.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26So, when it came to my test,
0:15:26 > 0:15:32I got into the car with this quite stern lady tester
0:15:32 > 0:15:38and I started pressing the pedals and moving the steering wheel
0:15:38 > 0:15:41and the engine just wasn't making a noise.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42I was terribly nervous and said,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45"I'm really sorry, the car isn't working",
0:15:45 > 0:15:49and she said, "Well, you do have to turn the key in the ignition".
0:15:49 > 0:15:51At that point, I realised that I had never done that.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Stop. Stop. Stop.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Stop!
0:15:55 > 0:15:59I was so nervous. At the start of the test...
0:15:59 > 0:16:02There are all new things you do now that you never used to.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07Like, for instance, you show the instructor where you change the oil
0:16:07 > 0:16:10and how you test the oil. You know, things like that.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14We were outside the car and he goes, "I'm going to check the vehicle is road worthy.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16"You get in",
0:16:16 > 0:16:18and I got in the passenger door.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23There isn't even a thing on the form for that.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27He couldn't even mark me down for that cos there's nowhere to go...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31..driver appears to be an idiot. That's not on the form.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36All of my lessons were pretty awful and I was pretty rubbish at them,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39but when I went for the test,
0:16:39 > 0:16:44the guy who was testing me, this guy in south London, he was fantastic.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47He was quite obviously gay
0:16:47 > 0:16:51and he was part of the amateur operatic society down there,
0:16:51 > 0:16:52where I was doing my test,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55and they were doing Oklahoma in a couple of weeks.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57# Oklahoma
0:16:57 > 0:17:01# When the wind comes sweeping down the plain... #
0:17:01 > 0:17:04So, the whole test, we went through all the songs in Oklahoma
0:17:04 > 0:17:06cos I'm a big musical fan, you know.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I don't think I looked in the rear-view mirror once.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Didn't do anything like that. I nearly hit the kerb.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14There was somebody I saw, I kind of waved at them.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17We just went through Oh, What A Beautiful Morning,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Oklahoma - had a great time. Passed on the spot.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I am pleased to tell you, you've passed.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28The one time I drove when I passed my test,
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I thought, "I'll give it a go". I drove to Coventry from Evesham.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35So, I thought "I'll do this now, without my dad. I'll go on my own".
0:17:35 > 0:17:37As I set off, I thought,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"Right, now, is there a way of going to Coventry
0:17:40 > 0:17:42"without doing any right turns?"
0:17:42 > 0:17:44And I tried to find the way to Coventry
0:17:44 > 0:17:45where I only had to do left turns.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49My first journey after passing was from London to Lancaster.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I have never been so tense.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55I did the whole thing like a 70-year-old woman, like that,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58in this tiny little Fiat Panda, like that.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01And when I got out, I literally walked like that,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03cos I was so stiff.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06It was the worst journey of my life!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Old people, bless them, can be very sweet.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I mean, you can learn things from old people
0:18:11 > 0:18:13but bugger all about driving.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16My nan shouldn't have been allowed to drive,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I don't think, towards the end. Bless her.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I do think we should have another driving test for the elderly...
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Sorry, Nan! Sorry! She just came out...
0:18:25 > 0:18:30# When you came in the air went out... #
0:18:30 > 0:18:32And when finally, you get the car moving,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34you'd better not stop anywhere.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Because if you do, there's always a uniformed bloodsucker
0:18:38 > 0:18:40waiting to sink its teeth into your bank account.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44I can't suspend the bank. Now, I'm parking.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Why are you giving me a ticket, mate?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48That's my colleague's, yeah?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49I'm not ready...
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- Wanker.- That's not the case at all.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- They're all- BLEEP.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I think traffic wardens these days are like gangsters.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59The modern Krays, aren't they?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01They're all in touch with each other.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04They even started wearing cameras because of the abuse.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Yeah, abuse. It's not really abuse, is it?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08It's people moaning, people complaining.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12I have a lot of problems with the traffic wardens.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You can even see them poised if,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17for instance, where you've got to get your ticket from,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20if you haven't parked near it, so it's 50 meters away,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23they will ticket you in the time it takes to go and get a ticket.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27I saw, I swear to God, you couldn't have made it up,
0:19:27 > 0:19:34I saw three traffic wardens around a disabled person's car
0:19:34 > 0:19:37outside a doctor's surgery,
0:19:37 > 0:19:39almost getting off on putting a ticket on it.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43It was almost like some sort of dodgy orgy.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45SHE GRUNTS
0:19:45 > 0:19:48"Have you written the ticket yet?"
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- I've got an heavy- BLEEP- load to load and unload.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- It's got 20 minutes. - It's been there two hours.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56They're not. That is the whole point.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Do you want to calm down, yeah? Calm down.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Calm down or I won't talk to you.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I love it when they say,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07"I've started writing the ticket so I have to carry on"
0:20:07 > 0:20:12and in my mind, I'm thinking, "I've started to kick you in the gonads,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14"so I've got to carry on".
0:20:14 > 0:20:19All this thing where they are supposed to give you three minutes.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Do they fanny give you three minutes.
0:20:21 > 0:20:27You come racing out of the door and they... I just...I just...
0:20:27 > 0:20:31I hate it so much, this whole thing.
0:20:31 > 0:20:37It's just a money-making exercise. It's a tax, it's another tax.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38That's all it is.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52The best ticket I ever got was I parked in a place
0:20:52 > 0:20:54and bought the ticket, put the ticket on the windscreen
0:20:54 > 0:20:57and I got there before the ticket expired
0:20:57 > 0:20:59and they had given me a parking ticket.
0:20:59 > 0:21:05And I wrote off and sent a photocopy of the ticket I had got and they then
0:21:05 > 0:21:10sent back a thing saying they would have to investigate it.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15They wrote an angry letter again that this was all holding up their procedures and so on,
0:21:15 > 0:21:21and about three or four exchanges went backwards and forwards and eventually they sent a letter saying
0:21:21 > 0:21:27that they would on this one occasion let me off, but in future I should display the ticket more clearly!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30So even then, it was, like, my fault!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Like if you go into a shop and buy a pint of milk and pay the bloke the money
0:21:36 > 0:21:41and then the police will come in and arrest you for stealing the milk and then there is film of you paying
0:21:41 > 0:21:47for it and they say, "In future, can you pay more clearly and then that won't happen to you, will it?!"
0:21:52 > 0:21:55I'm pretty good at not being caught. In fact, I can count
0:21:55 > 0:21:58on one hand the amount of parking tickets I've had.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I am so borderline spectrum behaviour, you know.
0:22:00 > 0:22:08I put timers on my iPhone or any other unbranded smart phone and I don't normally get caught out,
0:22:08 > 0:22:12but this one time, I did get caught by this Nigerian.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16It's such a stereotype, but there do seem to be a lot of Nigerian traffic wardens.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21I've no idea why, but he was brilliant and it was totally worth every penny
0:22:21 > 0:22:24of the 60 quid, because I was really angry and he was completely serene
0:22:24 > 0:22:29and would not be disturbed in any way and I said, "Mate, I'm a moment late!"
0:22:29 > 0:22:34And I'm not making this up, these were his exact words, right. I was only a moment late and he went
0:22:34 > 0:22:38"What is a moment? A moment could be a minute - or a lifetime."
0:22:38 > 0:22:40And I thought, "Woah" and he said "£60, please."
0:22:43 > 0:22:47They are made to be like that, really. I think there probably will
0:22:47 > 0:22:53come a day when there will some Nuremburg-type situation and they will be told
0:22:53 > 0:22:56that it's no defence that they were only following orders.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03# Another one bites the dust And another one, and another one
0:23:03 > 0:23:05# Another one bites the dust... #
0:23:05 > 0:23:09I've been clamped, I've been clamped. I hate those fricking clampers.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I've never understood the point of clamping.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18It's a revenue technique, isn't it? And it's a revenue technique
0:23:18 > 0:23:24that is...reminiscent of Parkhurst or something.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I mean, how can you lock up my car?
0:23:26 > 0:23:31I will willingly pay your ticket, your fine and everything,
0:23:31 > 0:23:37but a 100 and odd pounds to have a clamp removed by a privateer?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41No, no, they deserve shooting. That's an excuse for gangsterism, isn't it?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Why don't you have the decency to say, "Can you move your motor?"
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Our job is to make sure that cars aren't illegally parked.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48You're one arsehole creeping BLEEP.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51That's not the case, at all, that's not the case at all.
0:23:51 > 0:23:57I've been very close to going and getting and fetching or buying a baseball bat and saying,
0:23:57 > 0:24:03"Your shins or that clamp - one of them has got to go."
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Another happy punter(!)
0:24:05 > 0:24:06(Wankers, aren't they?)
0:24:06 > 0:24:12I've been put in the pound a couple of times. Sounds great, doesn't it?
0:24:12 > 0:24:17Not the dog pound. I've had my car taken away.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Actually, I used to have my car taken away quite a lot.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25I used to live in Hampstead and my permit had run out. For some reason,
0:24:25 > 0:24:30I just couldn't be bothered to get another permit, so I just used to park it and they would take
0:24:30 > 0:24:33it to the pound. I'd get on the tube, pick it up from Kentish Town. £30.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Tonight, Richard wets himself in a small hatchback...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45We play conkers with caravans...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49And a clash of the titans - Aston versus Ferrari on our track.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54The idea of watching Top Gear is a total anathema to me.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58It's probably in my top five ideas of torture
0:24:58 > 0:25:02would be being told to watch Top Gear for any more than 30 seconds.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I can't bear it, the whole idea of those people who are interested
0:25:05 > 0:25:10in this machine, this awful dreadful machine, which has ruined our world.
0:25:12 > 0:25:18Ah, yes, Top Gear. Soft porn for the petrolhead.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23Teasing and tantalising the viewer with sleek exteriors,
0:25:23 > 0:25:29revs per minute, size of your engine and how ruddy fast you can go nought to 60...
0:25:29 > 0:25:36I don't care what, someone asked me what my car, you know, what does it do nought to 60 in?
0:25:36 > 0:25:41I don't know, half an hour? I don't know, what should it do, you know?
0:25:41 > 0:25:46I mean, I can't do nought to 60, because I come out of my driveway into a 40 mile an hour zone,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50so it usually takes me until I get to the motorway, about quarter of an hour.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52The sound of V8 thunder...
0:25:52 > 0:25:57..all fronted by three menopausal fellas, who really should know better.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Engage...and fire!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04ENGINE REVS
0:26:04 > 0:26:05I don't know what torque is.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09They talk about torque. I thought torque was some
0:26:09 > 0:26:14kind of paper you used to clean kitchen surfaces with in hotels.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Top Gear represents the type of stuff I really hate.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22That terrifying blokey energy, where I never know what to do when I am in a room of men like that.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24It's like, "My car is more powerful than yours!"
0:26:24 > 0:26:32And they just turn to me and I don't answer and they'd say, "Get him in the van, let's use him like a girl".
0:26:32 > 0:26:34"Top Gear can eat BLEEP and die."
0:26:34 > 0:26:35LAUGHTER
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I hate it, actually. I hate Top Gear
0:26:38 > 0:26:42because I hate the presenters.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43I just hate them.
0:26:43 > 0:26:50Its an eco calculator from Renault. You charge it up doing this...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I can't be too rude, I can't be too graphic, but it's quite
0:26:56 > 0:27:00clear what's happening with those guys, isn't it, you know?
0:27:00 > 0:27:05I mean, it's kind of, well, I don't want to go into detail really, but we know what they're really doing.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08We know what they're really showing each other.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09We know what they're comparing.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13I don't know what was wrong with solar power, personally.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Some people find this comes more naturally.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23- The two litre VTEC- engine - in this is astonishing.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25This car can reach top speeds of...
0:27:25 > 0:27:32- You know when you drive some cars, you get a sense that the car is smiling when you are driving.- What?!
0:27:32 > 0:27:39'And the one who looks like he's been taken to BHS by his girlfriend - James May.'
0:27:39 > 0:27:42He always looks like a old hippy and his girlfriend said,
0:27:42 > 0:27:46"Come on, we've got to give you a makeover, take you to BHS, get you some nice clothes".
0:27:51 > 0:27:56Bloody caravans. I love it when Mr Clarkson or Mr Hammond destroy them.
0:27:59 > 0:28:05Top Gear have destroyed several caravans, so the root of it is a force for good...clearly.
0:28:12 > 0:28:20I absolutely don't give a flying fish about those boys on Top Gear -
0:28:20 > 0:28:24nor their opinions, nor the fact that, actually, they don't have
0:28:24 > 0:28:28any person who has been in a soap opera on their show.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32I tell you what, The Top Gear day out is probably the best days of your life.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Too much wheel spin.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Burning round that track, with an instructor telling you how to go quicker.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48And I was point something of a second away from Jay Kay, as well.
0:28:48 > 0:28:55We've had one record go last week, we've had another one go this week. 49. You're quicker than me, mate.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:59 > 0:29:01I cant tell you how pleased I am.
0:29:01 > 0:29:06Only to be slaughtered a couple of weeks later, the pair of us, by Jodie Kidd.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Supermodel chick.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13I begged them to let me back on, but they still haven't.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20Karl Benz has a lot to answer for.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22When he invented the car back in 1885,
0:29:22 > 0:29:27he also invented the previously unknown side effect we now call "road rage".
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Car travel is like sitting in your own personal space.
0:29:34 > 0:29:39You can lock all the doors, close all your windows - you're safest of all.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43That is, of course, until someone else cuts you up.
0:29:43 > 0:29:50Then, all of a sudden, you are a car-driving caveman, a 21st-Century troglodyte,
0:29:50 > 0:29:54a cursing, swearing, gesticulating ball of anger.
0:29:54 > 0:30:00Your territory has been invaded and, suddenly, the air, like the traffic lights, turns red.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Hell is other people, and hell is other drivers.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07So, driving is hell.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10Bus drivers - arseholes.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13- Minicabs. - Massive four by fours in town.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16- Fricking rickshaws get on my nerves. - The ditherers.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18I hate you people, I hate you.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Shopmobility, those things.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24If I had to pick one group, I would say the worst are the Post Office van drivers.
0:30:24 > 0:30:31Post Office workers, when the gates open and they come out like bees - but like bees whose nest is on fire.
0:30:31 > 0:30:38They don't care, they drive like they are in dodgems. They just don't care.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40Road rage is a very odd thing.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43I don't know why, just because somebody
0:30:43 > 0:30:49manoeuvres slightly incorrectly, or does something which inconveniences you for perhaps a couple of seconds.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51You know all the...
0:30:51 > 0:30:53How does it elevate from that to that?
0:30:53 > 0:30:56Get out of my bloody way, you useless..."
0:30:56 > 0:31:02I have rage, I do get angry, I have got out of my car
0:31:02 > 0:31:06on a couple of occasions, but when I realised it was
0:31:06 > 0:31:12an elderly man, who looked quite frail, I sort of went..."Ooooh".
0:31:18 > 0:31:21You stupid cow!
0:31:21 > 0:31:23We drive on the left-hand side!
0:31:28 > 0:31:31It is really embarrassing when the skinny guy who uses
0:31:31 > 0:31:37straighteners gets road rage because it's all the more pathetic. I almost wrote off my first car.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40I lost my temper, and pulled the manual gear stick
0:31:40 > 0:31:44and pulled the gears out through the engine and broke the gearbox when I lost my temper.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46I've ripped a sun visor off.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50"You could get a bus through there, you idiot! You shouldn't be allowed to drive!"
0:31:50 > 0:31:56I have become a really, really awful person. There is no doubt about it.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00I have become incredibly violent and my language is very bad.
0:32:00 > 0:32:04I have to be careful now, because I've got a young child in the back.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08Just at that age when they might start picking stuff up, so I can't do my usual language.
0:32:08 > 0:32:15But yeah, I've become, I can take quite a lot, I think, but if I'm pushed too far, I'll have a go.
0:32:15 > 0:32:16"Argh!"
0:32:16 > 0:32:20I do shouting, swearing, I'll do the finger.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22I'll do...
0:32:24 > 0:32:30I do like as you're driving away, the gesture between the headrests, in silhouette.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32I think that's quite cool.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35"You... Gggggrrrr!"
0:32:35 > 0:32:38An angry motorist is a bad motorist.
0:32:38 > 0:32:46- Yes... An angry motorist is a bad motorist.- Right.
0:32:46 > 0:32:52- Right. And a happy motorist is a good motorist.- Splendid!
0:32:52 > 0:32:55I've actually had, I was on Dartmouth Park Hill, which is just
0:32:55 > 0:33:02off Highgate Hill, during rush hour, the traffic was awful and we were driving down and there was one guy,
0:33:02 > 0:33:07it was very tight and very narrow, and as he drew up parallel to me, I said, "You know, you could
0:33:07 > 0:33:12"have waited a couple of minutes there and we would all have been sailing sweetly down here."
0:33:12 > 0:33:16He jumps out of his window, into my car and got hold of me round the neck.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Did you beep?
0:33:18 > 0:33:21Ummm, yes, sorry.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Why? Why? Why?!
0:33:24 > 0:33:26Ummmm, Gary?
0:33:26 > 0:33:30I've got a crowbar in the back. I'm going to bring it over and shove it through your window.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33It's a good job I had a bunch of boys in the car with me.
0:33:33 > 0:33:34They all started laying into him,
0:33:34 > 0:33:36as I am sure he would have killed me.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46That's road rage. And I had merely pointed out that he was a terrible driver.
0:33:46 > 0:33:51That terrible thing when you catch up with the driver and you haven't planned what you are going to do.
0:33:51 > 0:33:55It's like, "I've caught you up!" Then just drive off again.
0:33:55 > 0:33:56"I could of decked him, babe".
0:33:56 > 0:33:58HORNS BEEP
0:33:58 > 0:34:00- Come on, you- HORN BEEPS.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04Men are quite good at ruining the whole day just because of a driving experience.
0:34:04 > 0:34:09You'll be getting ready for a party, it's been a really nice evening, and then is a traffic jam
0:34:09 > 0:34:11on the North Circular and the man will be going,
0:34:11 > 0:34:14"Oh, for Christ's sake, the whole evening is completely f'd up!"
0:34:14 > 0:34:19And then he'll carry that anger with him for the whole evening and make sure it ruins
0:34:19 > 0:34:24the whole evening, whereas the woman normally, I am making a massive stereotype here, but a good one,
0:34:24 > 0:34:30the women will go, "Look, we got there on time, OK? We're at the party, it doesn't matter."
0:34:30 > 0:34:34And the man will be, "Because I've slightly gone into a temper,
0:34:34 > 0:34:39"I will now hang onto it and ruin your entire evening, all right?"
0:34:39 > 0:34:42Motorists are being asked to be more courteous to each other.
0:34:42 > 0:34:48The RAC and the Polite Society say road rage is causing an increasing number of accidents.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55I am unequivocally, ideologically speaking,
0:34:55 > 0:35:00completely and utterly opposed to capital punishment.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04However, there is one exception,
0:35:04 > 0:35:09which is these people who you pull over to let them come past,
0:35:09 > 0:35:13when there's not room for two cars, and they go by and they don't even say "Thanks".
0:35:13 > 0:35:15I'd hang those bastards.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19Sometime I think, when people know they are doing a sneaky pull out, they don't indicate,
0:35:19 > 0:35:22because if they indicate, you will say, "No, I don't think so!"
0:35:22 > 0:35:26And you'll close the gap. So I can understand why people do things like that.
0:35:26 > 0:35:31But on a narrow street, you stop and you let someone go, wave. If you don't wave at me,
0:35:31 > 0:35:36I feel like reversing in their way and keying their car.
0:35:36 > 0:35:41I wouldn't hesitate, just as the trap door was going...
0:35:45 > 0:35:47.."That's all it took".
0:35:47 > 0:35:51Honestly, I've wound down my window and gone, "Where's my wave?
0:35:51 > 0:35:54"Wave, you ignorant bastard!"
0:35:54 > 0:35:55That's all it takes.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58That's it, that's all I ask for.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00And it's very important.
0:36:04 > 0:36:09Cast your mind back to when cycling was a pleasurable pastime.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Weaving through country lanes, feeling the fresh air on your face
0:36:12 > 0:36:18and trustingly leaving your bike against a pub wall whilst enjoying half a cider.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28Today, cycling is more like a white-knuckle ride,
0:36:28 > 0:36:32with lyrca-clad loonies zipping in between lorry-laden lanes,
0:36:32 > 0:36:35jumping red lights, cycling on the pavement.
0:36:35 > 0:36:41They simply have no regard for us fossil-fuelled folk who actually pay road tax.
0:36:41 > 0:36:46# I want to ride my bike I want to ride my bicycle
0:36:46 > 0:36:51# I want to ride it where I like. #
0:36:51 > 0:36:55I think cyclists should be taxed like the rest of us.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58And if they jump a red light, we should be allowed to tazer them.
0:36:58 > 0:37:03If I've jumped a red light, I've always gone by the book.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07I've gotten off the bike, and pushed it through the red light, and gotten back on it again.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10"You can't touch me, copper, I know the rules."
0:37:10 > 0:37:15I can't stand it when cyclists jump red lights and getting off the bike
0:37:15 > 0:37:18and walking through the red light and then getting back on it,
0:37:18 > 0:37:20that is still jumping it.
0:37:20 > 0:37:25I just love the way that they've got this rule - red lights, not for them.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29"No, no, no, we're on two wheels. That's different. Kind of. Sort of."
0:37:29 > 0:37:32# Don't stop me now. #
0:37:32 > 0:37:34I said, calm down, or I will nick you, all right?
0:37:34 > 0:37:38- I've come to go to work... - I said, calm down.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42I spent a long time as a cyclist, because I didn't have a driver's licence.
0:37:42 > 0:37:47I pretended it was for environmental reasons, but it was just because
0:37:47 > 0:37:49I hadn't bothered my arse to get a driving licence.
0:37:49 > 0:37:55So I sympathise with the cyclist, but, you know, some do take the piss.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57This whole, treat them like a small car.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01Well, act like you're driving a small car.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03Small cars don't go across zebra crossings.
0:38:09 > 0:38:13We recycle all our food for the chickens, we do this, we do that,
0:38:13 > 0:38:16but I cannot stand cyclists on the road. Get in a car.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19- Sound your horn. - There's no need. It's to turn right.
0:38:19 > 0:38:24For the cyclist. Don't just go tearing past and surprise him.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27Let him know we're coming. Sound your horn.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30HORN BEEPS
0:38:30 > 0:38:36They are so horrendous, they're awful. They come banging on your windscreen. You know, "Get out!"
0:38:36 > 0:38:38It's like "Get out of the road.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40"Look at the size of my car, look at your bike.
0:38:40 > 0:38:45"One of us is going to win and it's not going to be you, so take your lycra shorts and get out".
0:38:45 > 0:38:50The only thing which really gets me now, and it's happened in London and other major cities,
0:38:50 > 0:38:55because of "environmental issues - we've got to be so green in the cities" -
0:38:55 > 0:39:00is that, I'll be at the lights, and they'll be like two cyclists in front of me waiting to take off.
0:39:00 > 0:39:05And then suddenly, like smug ninjas, they seem to come out of the trees,
0:39:05 > 0:39:08they come out of the drains, and there's like 30 of them.
0:39:08 > 0:39:12By the time the last one, Cresssida, has taken off on her bike,
0:39:12 > 0:39:14the lights have gone red again.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17You've got 300 cars sitting there going, "I pay my taxes for this".
0:39:17 > 0:39:19And they're going, " I'm going to kiss a tree".
0:39:24 > 0:39:28We've invested all our hard-earned cash on a flash new motor,
0:39:28 > 0:39:31but it isn't long before something goes wrong.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Something always goes wrong.
0:39:34 > 0:39:39The local grease monkey will confirm the diagnosis and then work out a price,
0:39:39 > 0:39:46by thinking of a number, doubling it, adding VAT and then laughing up his proverbial sleeve.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48ENGINE COUGHS
0:39:51 > 0:39:54Doh! You vicious bastard!
0:39:54 > 0:39:58There is always that worry of bringing your car to the mechanic.
0:39:58 > 0:39:59The stereotypical...
0:39:59 > 0:40:03is that intake of breath, isn't it? "Phhhhwwww."
0:40:03 > 0:40:08- Phhhhwwww.- Phhhhwwww. Phhhhwwww.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12- Phhhhwwww.- Phhhhwwww.
0:40:12 > 0:40:17- Yeah, yeah.- It will cost you.
0:40:17 > 0:40:24Normally, they just fold their hands and go, "Eeh, Shobna what you been doing?"
0:40:31 > 0:40:36I don't have any experience of mechanics, but I do know a good trick.
0:40:36 > 0:40:42If you are a woman, and you have any dealings with mechanics, plumbers, anything like that,
0:40:42 > 0:40:48what you do, is you tell them that your dad is a mechanic, and he usually sorts out your car,
0:40:48 > 0:40:53but he's on holiday at the moment. And then they don't treat you like you're an idiot
0:40:53 > 0:40:57who doesn't know she's being charged through the roof for a bit of spit and polish.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59Here, come and look at this.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01- What?- This, look...
0:41:09 > 0:41:15It's all changed, cars now have kind of computers, you've no idea what's going on.
0:41:15 > 0:41:20Your average mechanic probably could fix it, but it's got to be hooked up
0:41:20 > 0:41:28to the right kind of computer, which again is just a way of them charging you whatever they say it is.
0:41:28 > 0:41:34There have been times, as a woman, when I go, "You are talking to me like I'm an idiot."
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Oh, blimey, there's a bald tyre here.
0:41:37 > 0:41:41Oh, yeah, well, never mind, the other three are all right, we'll have them.
0:41:42 > 0:41:48Do you know what I think is horrible about cars made in the last
0:41:48 > 0:41:53five or six years, is all the computerised beeping it does at you.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56I want to smash the thing when it does that.
0:41:56 > 0:42:04My one beeps for about eight different reasons every time you turn the ignition on. I cringe, I cringe.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07I'd rather it bloody played Dido at me.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Well, don't say I didn't warn you!
0:42:09 > 0:42:12I've laid it on the line to you time and time again!
0:42:14 > 0:42:17Right, this is it, I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing!
0:42:27 > 0:42:30I took this car in because a light was up, right?
0:42:30 > 0:42:34And the local garage guy I usually deal with said, "I can't fix this,
0:42:34 > 0:42:37"because it needs to be hooked up to a diagnostic computer",
0:42:37 > 0:42:41which is a word they've just made up, it doesn't mean anything, you know.
0:42:43 > 0:42:47And I took this car in and he said, "What's wrong with it?"
0:42:47 > 0:42:49I said, "It's stopped."
0:42:49 > 0:42:52And he said, "Well, do you know anything more than that"
0:42:52 > 0:42:54And I said "That's what I'm here."
0:42:54 > 0:42:57I hate it. You turn it on... "Beep!
0:42:57 > 0:42:59"Service now".
0:42:59 > 0:43:02I decide when it needs a service, not you!
0:43:04 > 0:43:06"Beep". Oil. A little oil thing comes up
0:43:06 > 0:43:10and you can fill it with oil, you could spray oil, you could put it in,
0:43:10 > 0:43:16you could get one of BP's leaks and shove the car over the top of it
0:43:16 > 0:43:21so it was awash with oil, and you'd turn on the ignition and it would go, "Beep - oil".
0:43:21 > 0:43:24There is no amount of oil that will satisfy it.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27I think it was £70 an hour diagnostics.
0:43:27 > 0:43:32I don't know whether that's expensive diagnostics or cheap diagnostics.
0:43:32 > 0:43:35I don't even know what diagnostics are, so it's very difficult for me to judge.
0:43:35 > 0:43:41And I phoned him back and he's like "Oh, it's been on an hour and a bit and the faults not come up yet."
0:43:41 > 0:43:47And I said, "You're telling me I'm paying you £70 an hour and you still don't know what it is."
0:43:47 > 0:43:54I didn't know what the fault was when I brought it here, and now I am £70 worse off
0:43:54 > 0:43:57"and we still don't know what's wrong with it".
0:43:57 > 0:44:02Something else, beep, brake pads, beep, I need a wash,
0:44:02 > 0:44:06beep, I don't like you, I want a different driver, beep,
0:44:06 > 0:44:09beep, beep,
0:44:09 > 0:44:11beep, you've smashed my dashboard.
0:44:11 > 0:44:15Just a hundred things it's telling you off about.
0:44:21 > 0:44:24When we were little boys zipping around our Scalextrix set,
0:44:24 > 0:44:28there were no restrictions to our racing pleasure.
0:44:31 > 0:44:35Now, us wannabe Lewis Hamiltons can't creep and inch
0:44:35 > 0:44:39over the speed limit without someone taking our mug shot.
0:44:40 > 0:44:44I've got a point for going at,
0:44:44 > 0:44:49watch my lips, 37 miles per hour.
0:44:49 > 0:44:57I will admit, I've already got three points and I've only been driving for two years, so...
0:44:57 > 0:45:03No! Wrong, wrong! Not 37 - 33 miles an hour.
0:45:03 > 0:45:0833 miles an hour. I've got three points.
0:45:12 > 0:45:17They should turn those cameras off at night. There's no traffic, it shouldn't matter.
0:45:17 > 0:45:20Yeah, it was the middle of the day, and there was plenty of traffic.
0:45:20 > 0:45:24We must have all been done. I was only going the same speed as everyone else.
0:45:24 > 0:45:28After I got the points, they switched the speed cameras off.
0:45:28 > 0:45:33You know some points for when you've only just gone over, you know, you weren't doing 70, you were
0:45:33 > 0:45:39maybe doing 34 miles an hour, but technically they can get you, that's just irritating when that happens.
0:45:39 > 0:45:42I defy anyone to make me move any quicker.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44HORN BEEPS
0:45:47 > 0:45:51You see, I told you, it's going too fast again.
0:45:51 > 0:45:56You know when the speed cameras are coming, because they have those little white lines, so why don't
0:45:56 > 0:45:59you just go really slowly over those bits, then speed up, then
0:45:59 > 0:46:04go really slowly over those bits and then speed up, it takes about 20 minutes off your journey.
0:46:04 > 0:46:07I know that's naughty, but I do do that sometimes,
0:46:07 > 0:46:10and everyone else if doing it, so I don't feel so bad.
0:46:10 > 0:46:13It's ridiculous, otherwise, you would do 50 miles an hour
0:46:13 > 0:46:18through all the traffic cones, there's no-one working, you know, nothing's being done.
0:46:18 > 0:46:19Oh, that grinds my gears.
0:46:19 > 0:46:23The French decided, to a man, when they were putting
0:46:23 > 0:46:27speed cameras in, that they'd go out and smash them all up, and they did.
0:46:27 > 0:46:32And so they put them all back in, they went back again the next week, and smashed them all again.
0:46:32 > 0:46:33Vive La France!
0:46:33 > 0:46:38They tried to introduce them in America. There's a masked man,
0:46:38 > 0:46:45like a superhero, goes round with an angle grinder...and they don't know who he is. Good luck to you, mate!
0:46:49 > 0:46:55As a driver, you fantasise of miles and miles of open road, a ribbon of highway that
0:46:55 > 0:46:59caresses its way through the beautiful British countryside.
0:46:59 > 0:47:04And to that end, the motorway was constructed and the fantasy became a reality.
0:47:11 > 0:47:15But that soon turned into a ruddy nightmare, as every other bugger
0:47:15 > 0:47:17decided they wanted to use the new superhighway, too.
0:47:24 > 0:47:30Now we spend wasted hours creeping along bumper to bumper, hour after hour, getting nowhere fast.
0:47:32 > 0:47:36Oh, God...almighty!
0:47:36 > 0:47:39Driving in England isn't really like driving, because you are
0:47:39 > 0:47:44generally just in one giant queue, and that goes from
0:47:44 > 0:47:50Wandsworth to just north of Birmingham and then
0:47:50 > 0:47:53you might be able to get to fourth gear when you get past Birmingham.
0:47:53 > 0:47:57If you've got a fifth gear in your car you might hit it near Scotland.
0:47:57 > 0:48:02It's like one giant traffic jam, England.
0:48:02 > 0:48:06I always say, for a really super bank holiday treat,
0:48:06 > 0:48:10you've got to go a long way to beat four and a half hours staring up a horse's bottom.
0:48:12 > 0:48:17The thing about motorways is that they seem to close them all the time.
0:48:17 > 0:48:23You know, anytime someone looses a wheel nut or something, they close about three lanes.
0:48:23 > 0:48:26You know, it's like... I think we're all reasonable people.
0:48:26 > 0:48:31You know there's going to be traffic jams some of the time, but if you queue and queue and queue
0:48:31 > 0:48:36and you get past it, and it's on the other side and everyone has slowed down to have a look.
0:48:36 > 0:48:39I want a proper accident to justify my waiting time.
0:48:39 > 0:48:44I don't expect to see, you know, a Vauxhall Chevette in the middle lane that's got
0:48:44 > 0:48:48a wing mirror knocked off and they close the whole motorway for that.
0:48:48 > 0:48:53They close them all the time. When I was a kid, you whizzed past scenes of absolute carnage.
0:48:53 > 0:48:56Oh, God.
0:48:59 > 0:49:01You start to think,
0:49:01 > 0:49:04"Am I ever going to get to where I'm going?
0:49:04 > 0:49:07"Am I maybe going to spend the rest of my life here?"
0:49:07 > 0:49:10You know, a bit like prisoners must think when they've done about
0:49:10 > 0:49:17ten years and there is no hint of parole or remission or anything.
0:49:17 > 0:49:18And you think,
0:49:18 > 0:49:24"I suppose I am just going to have to come to terms with the fact that this is my life now."
0:49:24 > 0:49:27I wish I was dead.
0:49:27 > 0:49:28I wish you were dead.
0:49:28 > 0:49:32Then I'd get some peace.
0:49:32 > 0:49:35You get there and you think, "Well, at least I want
0:49:35 > 0:49:39"a lorry upside down, or something on fire."
0:49:39 > 0:49:44Something that involves five or six fire engines. At least that!
0:49:44 > 0:49:47Oh, there's just a bit of broken glass. Is that it?
0:49:47 > 0:49:51Is that all it takes to bring the whole country to a standstill?
0:49:51 > 0:49:55God, Hitler needn't have bothered with the Luftwaffe,
0:49:55 > 0:49:59he should have just sprinkled some broken glass on the M25.
0:50:02 > 0:50:07- What are you looking up? - Here we are - hell on earth.
0:50:07 > 0:50:09Think we might have taken a wrong turning.
0:50:14 > 0:50:20The thing that really bugs me about motorways now is people who will not shift out of the middle lane.
0:50:20 > 0:50:24Two-thirds of the motorway has never been used because they are all over here.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27Get over there. I feel weird if I'm in the middle, you know.
0:50:27 > 0:50:31And there not always, kind of, old people drive in the middle lane a lot.
0:50:31 > 0:50:34I don't know why, because they were all taught not to.
0:50:34 > 0:50:40What is wrong with pulling over, you know, people don't seem to want to go into any gaps.
0:50:40 > 0:50:46In France, they love a gap. They go in there. In England...
0:50:46 > 0:50:51OK, you know, if you want to go 75 or 80 miles an hour, I know it's illegal.
0:50:51 > 0:50:55But then you've got Mr Jobsworth Dickhead in the car in front
0:50:55 > 0:50:59who only wants to go at 70 miles an hour and so everyone must go at 70 miles an hour.
0:50:59 > 0:51:03Even though the lorry he's trying to overtake is a mile ahead.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05They should be shot, those people.
0:51:06 > 0:51:10# This ain't no technological breakdown
0:51:12 > 0:51:18# Oh, no, this is the road to hell. #
0:51:18 > 0:51:24What gets to me, is sometimes if you are driving along in the middle lane and there's nothing on the road,
0:51:24 > 0:51:28you get one of those guys who comes up on the inside lane and sits behind you and then goes
0:51:28 > 0:51:33round you, and then deliberately goes back into the inside lane, as if to prove a point.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35This is what you are supposed to be doing.
0:51:35 > 0:51:40I get really, "Yeah, very good, I should been in the inside lane, thank you for the demo."
0:51:40 > 0:51:43They want to show you how proficient they are at driving, so they start
0:51:43 > 0:51:47in that lane, then they'll go out, then they go in again, they go out.
0:51:47 > 0:51:50In the meantime, you are like that in the car, you feel sick,
0:51:50 > 0:51:53the picnic's spilt. It's a nightmare, the baby's crying,
0:51:53 > 0:51:58poo everywhere. Just because they want to show you how brilliant they are at swerving in and out.
0:51:58 > 0:52:01Just stay in the middle lane, doesn't matter.
0:52:01 > 0:52:04If someone wants to overtake, they can go that way or that way.
0:52:04 > 0:52:07What annoys me is when people go straight into the inside lane,
0:52:07 > 0:52:11straight into the middle lane and then straight onto the outside lane.
0:52:11 > 0:52:16And they tend to use that slip road as some sort of launch pad.
0:52:16 > 0:52:18They don't want to judge the speed of it, at all.
0:52:18 > 0:52:24I want a police car right there, right then and then I want them arrested immediately,
0:52:24 > 0:52:31taken to a studio, a TV studio and I want them flogged live, by Noel Edmonds in a gimp suit.
0:52:36 > 0:52:38It's an amazing invention.
0:52:38 > 0:52:41Sat there on the dashboard is a contraption that
0:52:41 > 0:52:44triangulates beams from three satellites orbiting the Earth
0:52:44 > 0:52:49to pinpoint your exact position and then tells you where to go,
0:52:49 > 0:52:51which is usually from here to nowhere.
0:52:55 > 0:52:59I've programmed the TomTom to direct us to where my cousin lives.
0:52:59 > 0:53:02'After 50 yards, turn right.'
0:53:02 > 0:53:05'In 50 yards, turn right.'
0:53:07 > 0:53:09'Turn right.'
0:53:10 > 0:53:14IMITATES ALEC GUINNESS: 'I'm the Obi-Wan Kenobi one. The force will be with you.
0:53:14 > 0:53:18'Take the second exit at the roundabout.'
0:53:18 > 0:53:23I think satnavs are generally hopeless.
0:53:23 > 0:53:26But to be fair, I don't think you can blame the satnav,
0:53:26 > 0:53:30it's that people put one in and then think that they can
0:53:30 > 0:53:35just go into a coma and not have to think, or look at anything, because the satnav will tell you.
0:53:35 > 0:53:41So they deliberately tell you to go the longest way, the wrong way, the opposite way.
0:53:41 > 0:53:46A satnav now, if you programmed it to say, I want to get to that cupboard,
0:53:46 > 0:53:53the satnav would say, go over there first. "No, the cupboards there,
0:53:53 > 0:53:58"you could reach and get it." "No, no, it says go that way."
0:54:05 > 0:54:09I can even put the satnav on to go to my local pub, which is only 100
0:54:09 > 0:54:13yards down the road, and it will take me three miles round to get to it.
0:54:13 > 0:54:15Shortest route? Don't think so.
0:54:15 > 0:54:18The first one that I bought, regardless of where I asked
0:54:18 > 0:54:21it to direct me to, took me over the Dartford crossing.
0:54:21 > 0:54:25I took it back and got another one and found it had no maps.
0:54:25 > 0:54:29Got a third one and when I opened it up it was in Spanish.
0:54:29 > 0:54:32SATNAV "SPEAKS" SPANISH
0:54:32 > 0:54:40I find them unbearable, and also, you know, you can out your journey in, and put it on the thing and then
0:54:40 > 0:54:44it takes ages for it to work it out, you've already gone the wrong way. 20 minutes the wrong way.
0:54:44 > 0:54:45Waste of time.
0:54:45 > 0:54:52You get these people driving these 400-foot great lorries with about eight tonnes of concrete in it,
0:54:52 > 0:54:57and they're in the countryside and they end up going up a bridle path.
0:54:57 > 0:55:00Don't they think, "There's a couple of horses coming the other way
0:55:00 > 0:55:04"and there's a tree in front of me and a stile, I'd better go over it".
0:55:07 > 0:55:09"You get off my land!"
0:55:09 > 0:55:13"It's not your land, the satnav says this is the way to Crewe."
0:55:13 > 0:55:16How... It's just... Don't they think?!
0:55:16 > 0:55:23- 'Turn right.'- I've turned right and where do I go from here? - 'Go straight on.'
0:55:23 > 0:55:27It's private property, no trespassing, high voltage and there's also danger of death.
0:55:27 > 0:55:33If you put you life in the hands of a satnav, you will be,
0:55:33 > 0:55:36you can get in trouble. I remember going to the Isle of Wight
0:55:36 > 0:55:40with some lads for a crazy golf weekend, not many people do that!
0:55:40 > 0:55:44We did a crazy golf weekend in the Isle of Wight and it was brilliant.
0:55:46 > 0:55:51And we wanted to get back to Southampton Airport
0:55:51 > 0:55:55and I put Southampton Airport in it and it came up.
0:55:55 > 0:56:01And I went, "Brilliant"! Anyway, we drove for a bit and not knowing the area, we ended up on
0:56:01 > 0:56:04a council estate next to an electricity sub-station
0:56:04 > 0:56:11and there's a bloke in the garden and he went "Satnav? Airport?"
0:56:11 > 0:56:15And I went "Yeah, like, what's this, Derren Brown?"
0:56:15 > 0:56:20The only satnav I would have, and I heard that you can get them, is you can get a satnav
0:56:20 > 0:56:25with Joanna Lumley's voice, and I would get that - "No, darling, you've gone the wrong way."
0:56:25 > 0:56:29I am sure, as a result of satnavs, people have forgotten where north, south, east and west are.
0:56:29 > 0:56:33You've got to go west on such and such a street. Oh!
0:56:33 > 0:56:37Left, west, west, left.
0:56:37 > 0:56:40West is, no, that's east... west.
0:56:42 > 0:56:47Old people - ask them where north, south, east and west is. They'll tell you.
0:56:47 > 0:56:50The TomTom voice I have downloaded is an Irish one.
0:56:50 > 0:56:53It's on there as standard, but it's got one fault,
0:56:53 > 0:56:57it can't say you have reached your destination, so it's really funny.
0:56:57 > 0:57:02It sounds like he is being so friendly that he feels like he doesn't have to finish the sentence.
0:57:02 > 0:57:05So he does everything normally, "Turn right, in 400 yards."
0:57:05 > 0:57:07And then it goes, "In 100 yards you've..."
0:57:07 > 0:57:12and then there is just a gap, as if he's saying. "I think we all know you've reached
0:57:12 > 0:57:13"your destination No need to state it!"
0:57:13 > 0:57:16My father didn't really like cars either. As far as he was
0:57:16 > 0:57:19concerned, he'd say, "A car is there to get you from A to B."
0:57:19 > 0:57:21A lot of people say that.
0:57:21 > 0:57:27And I admire those people, although I do think they are responsible for a lot of chaos and congestion,
0:57:27 > 0:57:30as surely someone at some point has got to go from B to A.
0:57:30 > 0:57:33If everyone is going from A to B, it's bound to result in congestion.
0:57:33 > 0:57:37Someone has got to start saying, "I have a car to get me from B to A"
0:57:37 > 0:57:41And then eventually someone is going to want to go to C and that will even
0:57:41 > 0:57:44better for us, as I am sure that is why there is so much congestion.
0:57:54 > 0:57:58This sign means through the triangle window.
0:57:58 > 0:58:01Yeah, you see that a lot, don't you, that?
0:58:02 > 0:58:03Er...
0:58:04 > 0:58:08That one I think means that a space shuttle is about to take off.
0:58:08 > 0:58:10HE LAUGHS
0:58:10 > 0:58:12Erm...
0:58:12 > 0:58:14Um...
0:58:14 > 0:58:16Oh, what can that be?
0:58:16 > 0:58:18What's he doing? Lunatic.
0:58:18 > 0:58:22I don't know. Royal family ahead. No idea.
0:58:22 > 0:58:24This one means,
0:58:24 > 0:58:26I'm not 30, anymore!
0:58:27 > 0:58:30I think I have seen that in Anne Summers.
0:58:30 > 0:58:33Three strokes is when you've not had...
0:58:33 > 0:58:35LAUGHTER
0:58:35 > 0:58:38Take it away.
0:58:38 > 0:58:43Drive in the right direction... at all times.