0:00:29 > 0:00:31'You have selected passport photo size.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34'Please face the front.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36'The other front.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42'Please relax and avoid smiling when the photo is being taken.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46'No. Please avoid smiling.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49'Please, don't do that either.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53'Look, just pull a normal face.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00'Perfect.'
0:01:02 > 0:01:03So. Last week was tough.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- Tough as steel, John. - Tough as titanium, Gregg!
0:01:06 > 0:01:07They'd never had it so tough.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Until now.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Until now. Tonight. Here. Now. Tonight.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- They thought they had it hard, they didn't know a thing.- The idiots. The mollycoddled idiots!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17No more Mr Nice Guys. This is quiche!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- Quiche is hard, John.- Damn right. Tonight is the biggest test EVER.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22This is tougher than childbirth!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Childbirth? Pff!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- It's tougher than fighting in the trenches.- They'll be praying for death
0:01:27 > 0:01:30after 20 minutes in the MasterChef kitchen once they attempt quiche!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- Quiche.- Quiche!- Quiche!
0:01:32 > 0:01:37Quiche! They have no idea what this will do to their minds, their bodies, their families!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39They may never see their families again!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Quiche!- Quiche!- Quiche!- Quiche!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43This is quiche!
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- Quiche!- Quiche!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51OK. You got five minutes.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Five minutes. Good luck.
0:01:57 > 0:02:03Coming up later on Countryfile, I'll be meeting Lincolnshire's youngest dry stone waller.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I'll be helping to renovate a windmill.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09And I'll be spending a cosy night in a small paddock
0:02:09 > 0:02:12with Randy the half-tonne bull.
0:02:17 > 0:02:23This week sees the release on DVD of the critically acclaimed drama, The King's Speech.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28In this film we see this guy. He's, like, 40 or something, and he's, like, the Prince of Wales
0:02:28 > 0:02:31or a lord, or the king. But not the king now, the king yonks ago,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34in the '80s or something, when everything was black and white.
0:02:34 > 0:02:40So he tries to give a speech, and he's going "buh-buh-buh-buh", and everyone's like, "Spit it out."
0:02:40 > 0:02:44And he wants to, but he can't, which I found quite moving, did you?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48I mean, he tries. He really can't. It's very annoying,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I mean, really, REALLY annoying.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54And then this man turns up and starts going "Do this,"
0:02:54 > 0:02:56and then he says "I can't."
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Then he says "do this," and he says "I can't," and then he says "Do this" again
0:03:00 > 0:03:03and then the king goes "buh-buh-buh" and so on and so forth.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06And everyone's like, "He can't do it".
0:03:06 > 0:03:08But then he does.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10But he still kind of talks funny, anyway.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Then the film ended, and that was, like, the end.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I didn't REALLY understand it.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Actually, I missed most of it because I was talking.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21The King's Speech comes out on DVD on Monday.
0:03:22 > 0:03:28I love Chinese food, I just wish cooking it was a bit more exciting.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31You want exciting Chinese food?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Don't worry, girlfriend, because I've got noodles of excitement for you.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36It's a wok,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38It's a gun,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42- it's the new Gok Wan Wok Gun! - A Gok Wan Wok Gun? I want one!
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Of course you do.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Everyone wants some Gok Wan Wok Gun fun.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49And for a limited time only, buy one Gok Wan Wok Gun
0:03:49 > 0:03:52and get one Gok Wan Wok Gun free.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55My worn out old wok's gone, now I've got a Gok Wan Wok Gun.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57The Gok Wan Wok Gun,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59from the people who brought you the Ken Hom Hen Comb.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01It's fierce, girlfriend!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Miss Willoughby, dinner is served.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Aw, thanks for having me round to dinner Phil.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I didn't have a chance to get anything in - the garage was closed.
0:04:10 > 0:04:16Well, it's the least I can do for my most favourite This Morning co-host in the whole world.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Oh. Mm. Looks lovely, Phil. You cook a mean sausage.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Ooh, I'm starving. Shall we tuck in?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Not no fast, Holly! First, let's find out the rules
0:04:33 > 0:04:34'Inside the Cube.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38'The game is for Holly to eat her meal while wearing boxing gloves.'
0:04:38 > 0:04:40What are you doing, Phil?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Hang on Holly, that's not all. Is it, Mr Cube man?
0:04:44 > 0:04:48'That's right, Phil. She'll also have a colander on her head.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52'Holly will have to try and force the sausages through the little holes and into her gob.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54'Will she take on the challenge?'
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Stop it, Phil.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58So, Holly, will you take on the Cube?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01'The Cube!'
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Phil, you've got to stop doing this. The Cube has taken over your life.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06'The Cube!'
0:05:06 > 0:05:09That sounds like a "yes." She's going to take the challenge!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Get ready, Holly, to take on the Cube!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14'The Cube!'
0:05:14 > 0:05:18We're not in the Cube, Phil. We're in your kitchen eating sausages.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19'Sausages!'
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Now, best of luck, Holly.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24The whole audience is really rooting for you on this.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Remember, if you don't eat all the sausages then you won't get any pudding.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31And it's Phil's extra special spotted dick.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32'Spotted dick!'
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Two out of five people usually succeed in this challenge.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39So, good luck, Holly. It's time for you to take on the Cube.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40'The Cube!'
0:05:40 > 0:05:44For the last time, Phil, we are not in the Cube!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46And where the hell is that voice coming from?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49'Under the table!'
0:06:04 > 0:06:08And our Political Editor, Nick Robinson, joins us now.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11So, it's been a busy week at Number 10, Nick.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14That's right, Fiona. A week is a long time in politics.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18And this has certainly been a long week for the Prime Minister.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22A party out of control, a Chancellor in open rebellion
0:06:22 > 0:06:26and the lowest popularity ratings since records began.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30And the troubles aren't over yet for the resident of Number 10.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Can he survive?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Well, one thing's for sure,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37this Prime Minister isn't giving up just yet.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- SHOUTS:- Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53So, where were you when the crime took place?
0:06:53 > 0:06:54At home.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56At home?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59The cake stand - it's where I live.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02You must have got a good view of the perpetrator. Can you describe him?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06He was a man. Surprise, surprise.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Could you be a bit more specific?
0:07:08 > 0:07:13A man - a useless waste of space that's only good for one thing.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17And that's refilling the Hobnob box.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Can you tell me what he looked like?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22He looked a bit weird.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Weird? In what way?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Well he had two ears, which is a bit pointless
0:07:28 > 0:07:31cos we all know men don't listen.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Was there anything unusual about the robber's behaviour?
0:07:34 > 0:07:40Yes - he was filling a bag with money whilst telling everyone not to move.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45First time I've ever seen a man multi-task.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Look, if you did actually see a robbery take place,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51how come you can't tell me a thing about the man that did it?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Because I'm in shock. The whole thing was very upsetting.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01OK. I'm sorry. It must have been traumatic.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05You're telling me. He knocked over a cake stand.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Oi - that's no job for a man.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Leave the cleaning up to me.
0:08:11 > 0:08:17I'll just eat them off the floor. Men. Honestly.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21'Simon.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24'Simon.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25HE MOANS
0:08:25 > 0:08:26'Simon.'
0:08:26 > 0:08:28HE MOANS
0:08:28 > 0:08:29CLAPS TWICE
0:08:29 > 0:08:33'Hello, Simon.'
0:08:33 > 0:08:37OK. I've got a horrible feeling I'm being haunted
0:08:37 > 0:08:40and not by Louis Walsh like usual.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43'Simon. I'm not a ghost.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46'I'm your conscience.'
0:08:46 > 0:08:51OK. Reality check - I don't have a conscience.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54'Well, you do now.
0:08:54 > 0:08:59'Now then. Isn't there someone you need to apologise to?'
0:08:59 > 0:09:01To be honest, no.
0:09:01 > 0:09:08'Someone you talked into doing something, then you left them totally humiliated and embarrassed.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11'I'll give you a massive hint.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14'She had a relationship with Ashley Cole.'
0:09:14 > 0:09:17To be honest, sweetheart, that could be anyone.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20'I'll give you another clue. Her name is Cheryl Cole.'
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Is it Cheryl Cole?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25'That's right, pet.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28'You should call her and apologise.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31'And offer her another job in America!'
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Do you know what? You're absolutely right.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41PHONE RINGS
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Cheryl?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46'Oh, I didn't really think this through, did I?'
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Stacey Solomon, how's life as a celebrity?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Oh, yeah, it's mental.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58People, like, call my name out in the street, and I'm like, "Really?"
0:09:58 > 0:10:02They're like, "Stacey!" And I'm like, "Oh, my God!"
0:10:02 > 0:10:06And my mum's like "Oh, my God, I can't believe it! Stacey Solomon's famous!"
0:10:06 > 0:10:08And I was, like, winding her up the other day, right,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11saying that I was going to change my name, and that.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15But I wouldn't really, because I'm Stacey Solomon. Everyone knows me as Stacey Solomon,
0:10:15 > 0:10:19so if I changed my name, they'd expect somebody else, not Stacey Solomon,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21cos that's who I am, not the other person.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23And they'd have to go and change my name on the door,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26and then I wouldn't know where to go! Sorry.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29What's going on? Oh, my God!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31My mum would say "Hello, Stacey."
0:10:53 > 0:10:56This week, I talk about the English food.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58But I no eat the English food.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I am not a crazy man.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02This a jelly.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07But it not just a jelly. Is a jellied eels.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11They take nice jelly and put fish into it.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Is a jelly fish. The Queen, she eat this.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17No wonder that she talk funny.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20But the Queen not have a jelly fish for breakfast.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24For breakfast, she have this. This a "Full English".
0:11:25 > 0:11:30Bacon, sausage, tomato, mushroom,
0:11:30 > 0:11:34egg, bread, black pudding.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36All fry in a very lot of fat.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38See, they try to kill themself.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I think is quicker than gun.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42"But, Fabio, hold your horsemeat," you say.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45"What is the black pudding?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48"Is it a nice blackberry fruity pudding? Yum, yum."
0:11:48 > 0:11:53No - is blood. See, they eat blood for breakfast.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56They vampire people. The Queen, she eat this.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Wayne Rooney, he eat this.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00No wonder his hair is falling out.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05'Get to the heart of the action with "Andy Murray Tennis".
0:12:08 > 0:12:10'Experience all the thrills and spills
0:12:10 > 0:12:13'of being the world number four, in your own home.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15'Get in!'
0:12:15 > 0:12:17'Select playing mode. British.'
0:12:17 > 0:12:19'Yes, I won.'
0:12:19 > 0:12:21'Or Scottish.'
0:12:21 > 0:12:25'OK so I lost - but at least I still have my FREEDOM!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27'Push yourself to the limit,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30'and play all the way to the ultimate level -
0:12:30 > 0:12:32'The semifinal.'
0:12:32 > 0:12:33CROWD GROANS
0:12:33 > 0:12:35'Andy Murray Tennis.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39'More fun than actually being me.'
0:12:39 > 0:12:42'Buy now while his ankles last.'
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Hey there, it's Paul, you know.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Now those folks over at the Impressions Show
0:12:46 > 0:12:51they got in touch and they said "Hey, Paul, we're looking to try and put a band together.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"Do you reckon you could do us a favour?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56"Call a few of your mates and see if they want to get involved in it?"
0:12:56 > 0:13:00So I did that, and they did, and this is it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Hope you like it. Hello.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04MUSIC: "Hello" by Martin Solveig and Dragonette
0:13:04 > 0:13:09# I could stick around and get along with you, hello... #
0:13:11 > 0:13:14It doesn't really mean that I'm into you.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Hello. Oh-oh-oh.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23You're all right, but I'm here, darling, to enjoy the party.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Don't get too excited, cos that's all you'll get from me. Hey!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Yeah, I think you're cute,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31But I really think that you should know.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I just came to say
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"'allo" Oh!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Hello!- Hello.- Hello.- Hello.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- Hello.- Hello.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48# Hello, oh-oh-oh-oh... #
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I'm not the kind of girl to get messed up with you.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Hello. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- I'm going to let you try... - To convince me to.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Hello.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Ho, ho, ho, ho!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- I could stick around and... - Get along with you.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14# Hello, oh-oh-oh-oh... #
0:14:14 > 0:14:16It's like the ring tone from hell, this.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17It doesn't really mean...
0:14:17 > 0:14:19That I'm into you.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22# Hello, oh-oh-oh... #
0:14:22 > 0:14:25You're all right, but I'm here, darling...
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- To enjoy the party.- Oi!
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Hello! Hello!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I just came to say...
0:14:30 > 0:14:31'Ello!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- Hello.- 'Ello.- Hello!
0:14:34 > 0:14:35- Hello?!- Hello.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Hello, girlfriend!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- Hello, dear.- Hello.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- Hello.- Good evening!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- BOTH: Hello!- Hello!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I just came to say...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Hello.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49That's the main headlines,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51now let's go over to the news where you are.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Which is the news I've just told you,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56but read to you by someone slightly shabbier in a cheaper jacket.
0:15:01 > 0:15:0512-0. Come on!
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Remember Mandy from the office? Her baby's due on Tuesday.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Do you want to sign the card and put in for a present?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14What kind of investment are we looking at?
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Everyone else gave a fiver.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20So you want £5 of my hard earned money?
0:15:20 > 0:15:24£5 of my children's inheritance?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27You know what, it's not worth it.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You give up too easily, young man.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Would I have won the World Hod Carrying Championships
0:15:32 > 0:15:35three years running if I'd thrown in the towel that easy?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38OK. I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I'll give you half the money
0:15:41 > 0:15:44but I'm going to want
0:15:44 > 0:15:4625% of the child.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I can't do this.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52That is such a shame.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Do you think he should have taken the offer?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57No. I forgot to say that I own Ryman's.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00There's always a first. Now come on, let's wrestle.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04GRUNTING
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Hi, there! It's David and Elton. And we're going to impart some of the knowledge that...
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Oh, for goodness sake, don't milk it, dear.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15You know they're only here to see me.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17# Get to the point. #
0:16:17 > 0:16:20OK, so now it's time for...
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Changing nappies can be a total nightmare for anyone.
0:16:29 > 0:16:35# Daddy, it's a nightmare Smells so bad it's just not fair. #
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Quite.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41So, here's our handy tips for making things so much easier.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45# Get a nanny to change the nappy. #
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Get a nanny. That's right.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52You know what, those ladies are a godsend.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54# They're a godsend. #
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- HE SNIFFS.- David, I think he's done one.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Come on, let's go to Milan.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I don't know your name, but you're on.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07# Text me when he goes To University! #
0:17:23 > 0:17:26No, I think it's lovely you called, Brucie.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I just find it a little hard to believe
0:17:28 > 0:17:31that Bruno Tonioli's stolen your trousers.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34All right, tickety-boo. Ciao, Brucie. Bye bye.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Oh, I'm so sorry.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Arlene!
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Len. What a lovely surprise.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47It seems like ages since you returned any of my calls.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Yes, yes. I'm sorry about that.
0:17:50 > 0:17:55But, do you know, I was going to call you just the other day?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58But you didn't, did you?
0:17:58 > 0:18:02No. But you know I suffer from number blindness.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05All numbers look like the number seven to me.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09So, unless your number was 777 7777,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I wouldn't get through.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Well, that makes perfect sense.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Yeah. Yeah.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Anyway, come on. If I know Arlene Phillips,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23I know that she's tickety-boo, tip-top OK.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25So what have you been up to?
0:18:25 > 0:18:30Oh, me? Oh, yes, yes. Oh, I've been so busy.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32So busy.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Busy, busy, busy.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37I've been a judge on So You Think You Can Dance.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42Yes, and I've been doing loads of other stuff. Loads of YOUNG stuff.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46So many, many things I've been doing...
0:18:46 > 0:18:51Anyway, the point is, I've not been missing Strictly at all.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54No.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57But, WE have missed YOU.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Really? Oh. Who's missed me?
0:19:00 > 0:19:06Who? Well, it's hard to narrow it down, there's that many.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09What about Brucie? Has Brucie missed me?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13No. But thingy has. And, um, him...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15..with the shoes.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Who's missed me?
0:19:16 > 0:19:21Come on, Arlene, you're crumpling my bonhomie.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Anyway, I suppose I should be getting going.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27But you will ring me, won't you?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Yes, of course I will, yes.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35Here's my number. There. Just so you don't lose it.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Ciao.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Ciao.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Oh, that's funny. 77 7777!
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Same as mine.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51SOFT, ROMANTIC MUSIC
0:19:53 > 0:19:55It's very neighbourly of you.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59The flat's a mess of packing boxes, and I can't find the coffee.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Coffee, sweetheart? You need more than coffee.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07When you want to make an impression,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10you don't want none of that fancy, continental muck.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Here. Get that down your neck.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17HE GAGS
0:20:17 > 0:20:18What is it?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Whelks.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24'The new Pearly King Whelkspresso Machine.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28'A proper taste of the East End for you to enjoy at home.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31'Genuine pub-fresh seafood.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35'Whelks. Cockles. Winkles.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37'Jellied eels.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39'Crab sticks. Still,'
0:20:39 > 0:20:41or fizzy, if they're on the turn.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45'The romance of Bow Bells, at the push of a button.'
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Huh. I'll have yours, then.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Mmm.
0:21:00 > 0:21:06OK. Hi! Hello to all of you non-famous nobodies out there in cheap sofa land.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08All right.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09HE LAUGHS
0:21:09 > 0:21:14There he is. That's him. Tall, isn't he? Yeah? The TALL guy.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I like pointing that out. Fills up airtime.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Totally brilliant. It's just a very astute thing to have said.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25So, can you believe it, another series of An Idiot Abroad done.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Finished.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Sending Karl Plonkington off to more really exotic places.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34In the last episode, yeah? The Somali pirate stunt.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35HE GIGGLES
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Probably a little step too far.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Hindsight.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42But, whatever. Move on. Fine. Done.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Yeah? And hooray, because we've dreamt up an even better cheap show
0:21:46 > 0:21:52on the back of my special envelope that I use to devise all my shows.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53It's called An Intellectual Abroad.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56We're sending David Dimbleby to Magaluf.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Brilliant.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Here's another one. A Blind Person Abroad.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01David Blunkett, Venice.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Frosted Shreddies, carrots, quilted bog roll.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Shopping list.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Ooh.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Yeah, you are right. That is actually my shopping list.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Do you know what? Sky'll probably buy that off us as well.- Genius.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16We can sort of get anything on.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19An Unusually Tall Man In The Bahamas?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- Anything apart from that. - Worth a try.- No, it wasn't.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I've been here for about an hour, now, mooching around,
0:22:32 > 0:22:37trying to get a feel for how the shop works, and you know what?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38It doesn't.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43It's like someone ate a load of clothes and then threw up.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45So, Mary, what do you think of our little shop?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48First impressions, I think it's a bloody disaster.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52You're lucky you're not selling brain cells, cos I don't think you've got any in stock.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56I mean, you've got to ask yourself, how does a customer feel
0:22:56 > 0:23:00when they grab a load of clothes and then have to take them
0:23:00 > 0:23:03in this dirty toilet of a room to try them on?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07It's cramped, there's nowhere to hang anything.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09No one is ever going to want to come back!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12You should be ashamed of yourself!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Anyway I hope that's all clear.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Good luck with everything.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Aren't you going to give us some advice?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23No, I've had a think and, actually, everything's brilliant. So, congratulations.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Gosh, is that the time? Better get cracking.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- Mary, what's that under your coat? - Nothing! Got to go. Bye.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Get your hands off me! My dad's a copper!
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Hey!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35ALARM RINGS
0:23:36 > 0:23:43'Bad jobs for celebrities. Number 28, John Bishop - bishop'
0:23:43 > 0:23:46It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I have sinned many times.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You think you've sinned, mate!?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53The other week there was a bloke in our road
0:23:53 > 0:23:56wearing a turquoise shellsuit!
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Now that is a sin.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01I says to him, "Hey, it's not 1988, mate."
0:24:01 > 0:24:03So, anyway, about me?
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Never mind about you. What about me? Who'd have thought it?
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Me, just an ordinary working class lad from Liverpool.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Me, John Bishop - a bishop. It's me dream come true
0:24:15 > 0:24:17What about my sins?
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Never mind about that.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Just say four Hail Marys,
0:24:20 > 0:24:24a dozen Kajagoogoos and two Lady Gagas,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26and yous'll be all right.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Go on, soft lad, you can get on your way.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Have you ever wished you could think of something rude to say
0:24:47 > 0:24:50but not been able to think of anything until it's too late?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Of course you have - you're an idiot.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Well, now help is at hand with my new limited edition
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Insult Generator.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Just say a key word into the Insult Generator,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05and hey presto, it generates an insult.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Plumber.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10'When a sewer rat comes out of the toilet and spots you,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12'does it scream and run away?'
0:25:12 > 0:25:14HE SOBS
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Traffic warden.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20'When you meet a woman, do you lie and tell her you're a serial killer?'
0:25:20 > 0:25:21HE SOBS
0:25:21 > 0:25:24'Over 10,000 insults for every occasion.'
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Estate Agent.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29'They say in the event of a nuclear apocalypse
0:25:29 > 0:25:33'only cockroaches and estate agents will survive.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34'Poor cockroaches.'
0:25:34 > 0:25:36HE SOBS
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I don't know what I'd do without my Insult Generator.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43'Nor do I. I think your brain cell just died of loneliness.'
0:25:43 > 0:25:45SHE SOBS
0:25:45 > 0:25:48'The Anne Robinson Insult Generator.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50'So simple, even a two year old could use it.'
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Which means it'll be way beyond you.
0:26:04 > 0:26:09OMINOUS MUSIC
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Can you smoke in here?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13No.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Good. Filthy habit.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Miss Widdecombe. We need to talk to you about your book.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Oh yes. More than one.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32I write novels, you know.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34We know.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36It's not a crime, is it?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39You're not going to charge me with writing?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Writing is not a crime, Ms Widdecombe.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Although your dancing comes pretty close.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51I like dancing. It gives me pleasure.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:26:56 > 0:26:58How much pleasure?
0:27:08 > 0:27:12What's the problem? You look as though you've seen a ghost.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19And we're joined now by our political editor, Nick Robinson.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22So, worrying times at Number 10, Nick.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26That's right Fiona. Conflict in the Middle East, famine in Africa,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29pestilence and death in South America.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32But, all eyes are on the building behind me,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35where the Prime Minister and his new cabinet
0:27:35 > 0:27:37are facing problems
0:27:37 > 0:27:38of truly Biblical proportions.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40They may need a miracle.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Will they get one?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Only time will tell.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55KNOCKS AT DOOR
0:28:11 > 0:28:12MAN GRUNTS
0:28:12 > 0:28:14LAUGHTER
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!
0:28:22 > 0:28:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:26 > 0:28:30E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk