0:00:29 > 0:00:34Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have never seen something like that with my eyes, ever.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38- That was amazing! - Tulisa, what was amazing?
0:00:38 > 0:00:43That boy had the X, Y and Z factor! He was totally banging up there!
0:00:43 > 0:00:49In all my many years in the music industry, I've seen like five, six, seven bands, maybe eight.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Definitely less than nine. But that guy was the ultimate!
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Everyone else is just totally embarrassing themselves by even turning up. I mean, forget it!
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Tulisa, what are you talking about? We haven't even started.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07What are you talking about, Granddad? That guy totally nailed it. He was wicked!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09And check out his lyrics. He was like...
0:01:09 > 0:01:12# One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two
0:01:12 > 0:01:17- That was the sound check. - LAUGHTER - The sound check?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Man, he's even got a cool name!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:30This week sees the release on DVD of the critically acclaimed drama The King's Speech.
0:01:30 > 0:01:36In this film we see this guy, he's like 40 or something and he's Prince of Wales, or a lord, or the king,
0:01:36 > 0:01:41but not the king now, the king yonks ago in the 80s or something, whenever it was black and white.
0:01:41 > 0:01:47So he tries to give a speech and he's going, "B-B-B-B..." And everyone's like, "Spit it out!"
0:01:47 > 0:01:52And he wants to but he can't, which I found quite moving. Did you?
0:01:52 > 0:01:57I mean, he tries and he really can't. It's very annoying. I mean really, really annoying.
0:01:57 > 0:02:03And then, er, this man turns up and starts going, "Do this!" And then he says, "I can't."
0:02:03 > 0:02:05And then he says, "Do this!" He says, "I can't!"
0:02:05 > 0:02:10Then he says, "Do this!" again, and the king goes "B-B-B-B..." And so on and so forth.
0:02:10 > 0:02:16And everyone's like, "He can't do it!" But then he does. But, er, he still talks funny anyway.
0:02:16 > 0:02:22And then the film ended and that was, like, the end. I didn't really understand it.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25And, actually, I missed most of it, because I was talking.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30- The King's Speech comes out on DVD on Monday. - SHE PANTS
0:02:33 > 0:02:39In Countryfile this week, I'll be heading west in search of the perfect cream tea.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I'll be taking a gentle walk through Kingfisher country.
0:02:42 > 0:02:48And I'll be face-deep in fun as I go bobbing for pennies in Dorset's largest pile of manure.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51But first, gates.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- So, last week was tough. - Tough as steel, John. - Tough as titanium, Gregg.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01- They have never had it so tough! - Until now.- Until now, tonight, here, now, tonight!
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- They thought they had it hard. They didn't know a thing. - The mollycoddled idiots!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- No more Mr Nice Guys, this is quiche.- Quiche is hard, John.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13Damn right! Tonight is the biggest test ever. This...is tougher than childbirth.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18- Childbirth?- It's tougher than fighting in trenches.- They will be praying for death's sweet kiss
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- after 20 minutes in the MasterChef kitchen once they attempt quiche. Quiche!- Quiche!
0:03:22 > 0:03:27They are doing quiche. They have no idea what this will do to their minds, bodies and families.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- They may never see their families again!- Quiche!
0:03:30 > 0:03:35- Quiche!- Quiche!- Quiche! - Quiche!- Quiche!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:44OK. You've got five minutes. Five minutes. Good luck.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53Well, I remember being in a beautiful garden on a warm summer's day. It was paradise.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Then Adam ate the apple and all hell broke loose.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00Well, you know, I remember being a little kid and having my toenails painted.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Of course, that was back when I could see my feet.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I can remember when Stephen's head
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- didn't have a permanent snow cap. - Brilliant.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Oh, avalanche.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18- Miss Willoughby, dinner is served. - Oh, thanks for having me round to dinner, Phil.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I didn't have a chance to get anything in. The garage was closed.
0:04:21 > 0:04:27Well, it's the least I can do for my most favourite This Morning co-host in the whole world.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32Aw! Mm. Looks lovely, Phil. You cook a mean sausage.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35HE LAUGHS
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Oh, I'm starving. Shall we tuck in?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Not so fast, Holly! First, let's find out the rules.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50'Inside The Cube, the game is for Holly to eat her meal while wearing boxing gloves.'
0:04:50 > 0:04:55- What are you doing, Phil? - Hang on, Holly. That's not all. Is it, Mr Cube Man?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59'That's right, Phil. She'll also have a colander on her head.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04'Holly will have to force the sausages through the little holes on the colander and into her gob!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- 'Will she take on the challenge?' - Stop it, Phil!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11So, Holly, will you take on The Cube?
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- 'The Cube!' - Phil, you've got to stop doing this.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- The Cube has taken over your life. - 'The Cube!'
0:05:18 > 0:05:21That sounds like a yes, she's going to take the challenge!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- Get ready, Holly, to take on The Cube!- 'The Cube!'
0:05:24 > 0:05:29We're not in The Cube, Phil, we're in your kitchen eating sausages.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31'Sausages!'
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Now, best of luck, Holly. The whole audience is really rooting for you on this.
0:05:35 > 0:05:40Remember, if you don't eat all the sausages, then you won't get any pudding,
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- and it's Phil's extra-special spotted dick.- 'Spotted dick!'
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Two out of five people usually succeed in this challenge.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52- Good luck, Holly, it's time for you to take on The Cube!- 'The Cube!'
0:05:52 > 0:05:58For the last time, Phil, we are not in The Cube, and where the hell is that voice coming from?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01'Under the table!'
0:06:01 > 0:06:05That's the main headlines, now let's go over to the news where you are in the country,
0:06:05 > 0:06:10which is the news I've just told you, but read by someone slightly shabbier in a cheaper jacket.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15Paul, you're one of the first to know. I've got some big news.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- I'm expecting.- Expecting?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22I should say you are! Expecting to have your life ruined, you poor cow!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Best of luck with nine months of bladder problems, that's all I'm saying.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30Not to mention the cravings, the mood swings and morning sickness. It'll all work out in the end.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34You'll have stretch marks on your body, not to mention your purse!
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Have you thought of the pocket money? Do you know how much that is these days?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Won't fit in a pocket, I'll tell you that.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43They shouldn't call it pocket money, more like suitcase money!
0:06:43 > 0:06:47If being pregnant is good news, what's bad? Leprosy?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- I was going to ask you to be the godfather.- I'd rather lick a tramp!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:06I'm here thousands of feet... underground in the Cumbria caves.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11And this...is the deepest cave system in all of Europe.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16And it was formed... millions...of years ago
0:07:16 > 0:07:20when giant pockets of organic acids bubbled up,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22through the earth's strata.
0:07:22 > 0:07:28And there are few places that better demonstrate the beauty
0:07:28 > 0:07:33and complexity of the planet that we live on.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37And this cave system is so deep, so remote,
0:07:37 > 0:07:41that it's taken me an amazing two days
0:07:41 > 0:07:45of walking, crawling and climbing,
0:07:45 > 0:07:49to get here, and at some point
0:07:49 > 0:07:51on that amazing journey
0:07:51 > 0:07:54through the vast network
0:07:54 > 0:07:58of tunnels and caverns,
0:07:58 > 0:08:02me map fell out me pocket, and I'm totally lost.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- Help! Help! - LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:10It was unbelievable. Lulu had Russell Grant in a headlock,
0:08:10 > 0:08:15and then she pulled his leotard up so high it took three crew members to pull it back out of his bum!
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- I don't even know if they got it in the end.- You being serious? What made her do that?
0:08:19 > 0:08:24Apparently, he asked her what it was like to play at the opening of the Coliseum.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26We're back in three, two...
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Welcome back. Coming up, are tunnels the best way to get your children into over-subscribed schools?
0:08:34 > 0:08:39And Gyles Brandreth will be in Maidstone meeting the grandmother known to everyone on her estate
0:08:39 > 0:08:44- simply as, "that thieving cow". - LAUGHTER - But first, this.
0:08:51 > 0:08:57I've been here for about an hour now, mooching around, trying to get a feel for how the shop works.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59And you know what? It doesn't.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04It's like someone ate a load of clothes and then threw up.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07So, Mary, what do you think of our little shop?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10First impressions, I think it's a bloody disaster.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14You're lucky you're not selling brain cells cos I don't think you've got any in stock.
0:09:14 > 0:09:20I mean, you've got to ask yourself, how does a customer feel when they grab a load of clothes
0:09:20 > 0:09:25and then have to take them in this dirty toilet of a room to try them on?
0:09:26 > 0:09:31It's cramped, there's nowhere to hang anything, no-one is ever going to want to come back.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34You should be ashamed of yourself.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Anyway, I hope that's all clear. Good luck with everything.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- Aren't you going to give us some advice?- No.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45I've had a think and actually, everything is brilliant, so congratulations.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49- Is that the time? Better get cracking.- What's that under your coat?- Nothing, got to go. Bye!
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Get your hands off me, my dad's a copper!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- Hey! - ALARM
0:09:55 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:03- THUNDER - Help!- Brian! Are you down there?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Help! I'm here. I'm scared of the dark.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- Yes! I've found him.- I'm here.
0:10:10 > 0:10:16Oh, Brian! What did we say to you about going caving on your own?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19You said...it would be...amazing.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22What did we really say?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24You said don't do it.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- And what did you do? - I did it.- Yeah, you did.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Oh, Brian, what planet are you on?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34The planet Earth, the third from the sun,
0:10:34 > 0:10:3993 million miles away in orbit around our star.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42That's 150 million kilometres.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46One of the terrestrial, rocky, inner planets.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- And it was from... - MUFFLED SPEECH
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- For your own good, Brian. Come on. - LAUGHTER
0:10:56 > 0:11:02Coming up later on Countryfile, I'll be meeting the farmers who are calling for sustainable sheep dip.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I'll be trying out a combine harvester with a side car.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10And I'll be rodding the drains in the country's least hygienic abattoir.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13But first, cheese.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Skinny latte, please, sweetheart. Oh, do it in soya milk if you can.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Lactose gives me gas.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Come on, Theo, a real man wouldn't worry about a bit of gas.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27He'd blow it out. Let them know you're there.
0:11:27 > 0:11:34"Yes, your Holiness, it was me. And you might want to open a window. I've got another one brewing."
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Tea! Four sugars, love.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I'll get these. How much?
0:11:40 > 0:11:45- £4.50 please.- OK, I'm going to offer you all of the money,
0:11:45 > 0:11:49but I want 100 percent of the drinks.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I don't really care who has the drinks, I just need the £4.50.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56OK, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Now, you've still got another Dragon in here.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03So, let me tell you where I'm at.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08I own one of the leading retail outlets in the country.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11It's not relevant but I always feel the need to mention it.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16- Make her an offer or butt out. - All right, I will. - LAUGHTER
0:12:16 > 0:12:21I'm prepared to offer you the £2.25
0:12:21 > 0:12:26but I am going to want 50 percent of the drinks.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30I'm happy if you want to pay separately. I just need the £4.50.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34OK. I'll match Theo's offer.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Congratulations. You've got yourselves two Dragons.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Well done, Theo. I like the way you buy coffee.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- Now, let's wrestle! - LAUGHTER
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Well, of course, I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57- Quite literally. It took the surgeon four hours to remove it. - LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:13:01I got so many memories from being a kid. It's like it was yesterday.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Because it was yesterday.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06He coming! He's coming! Ooh!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Shh! Shh! Shh! Quiet!
0:13:11 > 0:13:15- Hey!- ALL: Hey!
0:13:15 > 0:13:18ALL # For he's a jolly good Scouser For he's a jolly good Scouser
0:13:18 > 0:13:21# For he's a jolly good Scouser
0:13:21 > 0:13:24# And so say all of us
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Aw! It's the famous comedian returned home.
0:13:30 > 0:13:36I know, Mam, who'd have thought that me, John Bishop, just an ordinary lad from Liverpool,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38would be a famous comedian?
0:13:38 > 0:13:43- We're dead proud of you, our John. - Ah, cheers, Dad. All right, mate!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Aww!
0:13:46 > 0:13:50You are so famous, John. You're bigger than the Beatles.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- Oh, don't be soft, Sis. - You're bigger than Jesus!
0:13:54 > 0:13:58- Aw, don't be daft, Mam. - You're bigger than Kenny Dalglish!
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Leave it! He doesn't know what he's saying.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- Er, John, about you being an ordinary lad from Liverpool.- What?
0:14:08 > 0:14:13Dad! No. You're not going to tell him.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15He needs to know, Ma.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Have you ever noticed anything different about yourself?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Anything different at all?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28What are you trying to say, Dad?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Son, there's no easy way of saying this.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36You're adopted.
0:14:36 > 0:14:42You mean to tell me that I'm not an ordinary lad from Liverpool?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45You are a lad from Liverpool. You're just not an ordinary one.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- MUSIC - Surprise, surprise, John.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52That's right. I'm your real mam.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Well, come here and give us a hug.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Oh, I'm getting all weepy, a lorra, lorra tears.
0:15:00 > 0:15:06- Calm down, calm down.- Who'd have thought that me, John Bishop, just an ordinary lad from Liverpool,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09isn't really an ordinary lad from Liverpool, but Cilla's son?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12That's right. You're Scouse royalty!
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Give us another hug! - It's me dream come true!
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Don't tell me, me dad's Tarby!
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Hey! I did a lorra blind dates, but none of them blind drunk!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27THEY LAUGH
0:15:29 > 0:15:32And our political editor Nick Robinson joins us now.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36So some interesting developments at Number Ten.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Well, that's right, Fiona. Exciting times at Downing Street today.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42But more than that, important times.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Meetings, right now, behind me in Number Ten.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Meetings between many of the world leaders,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52meetings that could change the face of politics forever.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55It may not be good news for the prime minister,
0:15:55 > 0:16:01but make no mistake, this is a seismically important night for Europe and for the world.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09HE KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Hey there, it's Paul, you know. Now, those folks over at the Impressions Show,
0:16:23 > 0:16:28they got in touch and said, "Hey. Paul, we're looking to try and put a band together.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31"Do you reckon you could do us a favour, call a few of your mates,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33"and see if they want to get involved in it?"
0:16:33 > 0:16:39So I did that, and they did. And this is it. Hope you like it. Hello.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46# I could stick around and get along with you, hello
0:16:48 > 0:16:52It doesn't really mean that I'm into you.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Hello. Er, oh, oh.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00You're all right, but I'm here, darling, to...enjoy the party
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Don't get too excited cos that's all you'll get from me. Hey!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Yeah, I think you're cute.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08But I really think that you should know.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I just came to say 'ello.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- Hello.- Hello.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Hello.- Hello.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- Hello.- Hello.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25# 'Ello, oh, oh, oh
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I'm not the kind of girl to get messed up with you.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Hello. Oh, oh, oh. Oh.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- I'm going to let you try... - ..to convince me to.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Hello.- Ho, ho, ho, ho.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- I could stick around and... - ..get along with you.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- # Hello, oh, oh, oh, oh - It's like the ringtone from hell, this.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- It doesn't really mean... - ..that I'm into you.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Hello. Oh, oh, oh.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- You're all right but I'm here, darling...- ..to enjoy the party.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Whey.- Hello. Hello.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I just came to say...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Hello.- Hello.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- Hello.- Hello.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Hello.- Hello.- Hello, girlfriend.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Hello, dear.- Hello.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Hello.- Good evening.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- BOTH: Hello.- Hello.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24- I just came to say...- Hello.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- IMITATED CHERYL COLE VOICE:- Simon.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Simon.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Simon!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Ooh, Simon!
0:18:39 > 0:18:43OK, I've got a horrible feeling I'm being haunted.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- And not by Louis Walsh like usual. - LAUGHTER
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Simon, I'm not a ghost.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I'm your conscience.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55OK, reality check.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- I don't have a conscience. - LAUGHTER
0:18:59 > 0:19:05Well, you do now. Now then, isn't there someone you need to apologise to?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08To be honest, no.
0:19:08 > 0:19:14Someone you talked into doing something. Then you left them totally humiliated and embarrassed.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I'll give you a massive hint.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20She had a relationship with Ashley Cole.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23To be honest, sweetheart, that could be anyone.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- LAUGHTER - I'll give you another clue, her name is Cheryl Cole.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Is it Cheryl Cole?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31That's right, pet!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34You should call her and apologise
0:19:34 > 0:19:37and offer her another job in America.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Do you know what? You're absolutely right.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:19:48 > 0:19:53- Cheryl?- Oh. I didn't really think this through, did I?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Smell my arm, it's lush. - Beautiful. Beautiful.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Welcome back to the One Show. Elton John, George Clooney, Johnny Depp,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04just some of the stars who refused to come on tonight's show.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Plus Gyles Brandreth will be in Portugal
0:20:07 > 0:20:12- as he's on the run after a multi-million-pound drug deal went wrong.- But first, this.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16No, I think it's lovely you called, Brucie.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20I just find it a little hard to believe that Bruno Tonioli has stolen your trousers.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25All right, tickety-boo. Ciao, Brucie. Oh, I'm so sorry.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Arlene.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Len. What a lovely surprise.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36It seems like ages since you returned any of my calls.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Yes, I'm sorry about that. But, do you know,
0:20:40 > 0:20:44I was going to call you just the other day.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47But you didn't, did you?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51No. But you know, I suffer from number-blindness.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54All numbers look like the number seven to me.
0:20:54 > 0:21:00So unless your number was seven! Seven, seven, seven, seven, seven! Seven! I wouldn't get through.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05- Oh, well that makes perfect sense. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
0:21:05 > 0:21:12Anyway, come on, if I know Arlene Phillips, I know that she's tickety-boo, tip-top OK.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14So what have you been up to?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Oh, me? Oh, yes. Yes.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Oh, I've been so busy, so busy.
0:21:21 > 0:21:27Busy, busy, busy. I've been a judge on So You Think You Can Dance, yes,
0:21:27 > 0:21:31and I've been doing loads of other stuff, loads of young stuff.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35So many, many things I've been doing.
0:21:35 > 0:21:42- Anyway, the point is, I've not been missing Strictly at all.- No.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47But we have missed you!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Really? Oh, who's missed me?
0:21:50 > 0:21:55Who? Well, it's hard to narrow it down, there's that many.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58What about Brucie? Has Brucie missed me?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02No. But thingy has, and, er,
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- him, with the shoes. - Who's missed me?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Come on, Arlene, you're crumpling my bon ami!
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Anyway, I suppose I should be getting going.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17But you will ring me, won't you?
0:22:17 > 0:22:22- Yes, of course I will. - And here's my number, there.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Just so you don't lose it.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Ciao!
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Oh, that's funny. Seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Same as mine.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41'Get to the heart of the action with Andy Murray Tennis.
0:22:43 > 0:22:49'Experience all the thrills and spills of being a world number four in your own home.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- 'Get in.'- 'Select playing mode.'
0:22:52 > 0:22:57- 'British.'- 'Yes. I won.' - 'Or Scottish.'- 'OK, so I lost.'
0:22:57 > 0:23:00'But at least I still have my freedom!'
0:23:00 > 0:23:05'Push yourself to the limit and play all the way to the ultimate level,
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- 'the semi-final.' - GROANING CROWD
0:23:09 > 0:23:14'Andy Murray Tennis, more fun than actually being me.'
0:23:14 > 0:23:17'Buy now, while his apples last.'
0:23:17 > 0:23:25'Group behaviour of this kind is, of course, not unique to primates.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29'Examples of alpha males can also be found
0:23:29 > 0:23:34'in other, far less sophisticated species.'
0:23:34 > 0:23:39Good morning. I'm Chris Moyles. Welcome to the Chris Moyles Show. Have we got a show for you today!
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Have we? I honestly don't know. Me and Dave were out on the lash last night.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48- 'The dominant male in this group is called Chris.' - HE BURPS
0:23:48 > 0:23:53- THEY LAUGH - 'The others in the group must pay homage to him.'
0:23:53 > 0:23:59OK, the whole team is here. Comedy Dave is here, er, Dominic Slaphead on news.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- Beautiful Tina on sport, Aled and Matt Fincham. Oh, hang on. - HE COUGHS
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Think I spoke too soon, something's not right with Comedy Dave.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09'Unfortunately, one of the group has died.
0:24:09 > 0:24:16'He was laughing so hard at Chris belching that he choked on his KitKat.'
0:24:16 > 0:24:20OK. We will now observe one minute's silence,
0:24:20 > 0:24:22er, for Comedy Dave.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30Well, five seconds silence, anyway. Longest I've ever managed. OK. Thank you very much.
0:24:30 > 0:24:37- Where's my tea? I hope you didn't spill it when...- 'Another younger male is looking to join the group.
0:24:37 > 0:24:42'To do so, he must ingratiate himself with the alpha male.'
0:24:42 > 0:24:47To the incoming boss of Radio One, I have this to say.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- HE BREAKS WIND - 'We've given him the name Darren.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58'He's a juvenile, but is he juvenile enough to join this group?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01'Natural bodily functions are seen as a great source of humour
0:25:01 > 0:25:06'and Darren must laugh at the alpha male's joke or risk ejection from the group.'
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- HE LAUGHS - 'Thank heavens for that.
0:25:09 > 0:25:15'Darren, or as he is now known, Comedy Darren, has been accepted.'
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the new member of the team, it's Comedy Darren.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22HE BURPS / THEY LAUGH
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I can remember being born.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32And the midwife handed me to my mother, and I said,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"Mum, let me tell you where I am.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- "I am out." - LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:43Er, me dad taking me to the building site when I was five.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46He needed someone to carry the bricks.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Well, I went to a lot of parties in the 60s,
0:25:49 > 0:25:54- you know, so my earliest memory is about 1970. - LAUGHTER
0:25:59 > 0:26:02LAUGHTER
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- Can you smoke in here?- No.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Good. Filthy habit.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Miss Widdecombe, we need to talk to you about your book.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Oh, yes, more than one.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I write novels, you know?
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- We know.- It's not a crime, is it?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39You're not going to charge me with writing?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Writing is not a crime, Miss Widdecombe.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Although your dancing comes pretty close.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I like dancing.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51It gives me pleasure.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58How much pleasure?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:12What's the problem? You look as though you've seen a ghost.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15LAUGHTER
0:27:15 > 0:27:18And our political editor Nick Robinson joins us now.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22So it's been a busy week at Number Ten, Nick.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Well, that's right, Fiona. A week is a long time in politics,
0:27:25 > 0:27:29and this has certainly been a long week for the prime minister.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33A party out of control, a chancellor in open rebellion,
0:27:33 > 0:27:37and the lowest popularity ratings since records began.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41And the troubles aren't over yet for the resident of Number Ten.
0:27:41 > 0:27:48Can he survive? Well, one thing's for sure, this prime minister isn't giving up just yet.
0:27:51 > 0:27:56- LAUGHTER - Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02# Don't you know they only want to see me?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04# That is why they're here
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Coffee, sweetheart? You need more than coffee.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12- Can it wait until Cash In The Attic's finished?- What are the chances of that happening?
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:18 > 0:28:22E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:22 > 0:28:22.