0:00:30 > 0:00:31So, the quarter-finals.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Do they know what they're letting themselves in for?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Not a clue.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38That kitchen is like a cross between Death Valley,
0:00:38 > 0:00:39the surface of the sun, and hell.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43- It's hot in there.- Like tamale! - The Devil would demand an air conditioner.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Do they really think they've got what it takes at this level?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- At this level?- At THIS level. - At this level?- At THIS level.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- At this level.- AT this level. - AT this level.- They don't!
0:00:53 > 0:00:57They're like cows at the abattoir, blindly walking towards the toughest dish known to man.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- Souffle!- Souffle!- Souffle!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Now I become death, destroyer of worlds. Souffle!
0:01:02 > 0:01:06I know what you're thinking. Did he use four eggs or five?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08In all this excitement, I've completely forgot.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- Are you feeling lucky, punks? - Souffle!
0:01:11 > 0:01:15The fall of Western civilisation, right here, right now.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- Souffle! - They can't handle the truth!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- They can't handle the souffle! - Souffle!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23For the love of all that's good - souffle!
0:01:23 > 0:01:27POTS CLANG
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- OK, you've got ten minutes left. - Ten minutes.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Good luck.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38So Holly Valance is from Australia. I thought she talked like that cos she had something wrong with her.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Mind you, there was yesterday - someone put laxatives in her drink.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44She did a minute waltz in three and a half seconds
0:01:44 > 0:01:45and then spent four hours on the bog.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I won't use so many next time.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Oh, you're a devil. You really are, you're a ickle devil.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53And we're back in three, two...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56MUSIC: Theme from The One Show
0:01:56 > 0:01:59OK, coming up next on The One Show, we shall be in Surrey.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02We will, in Surrey, we will, we will, in Surrey, we will,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04talking to the World War II veteran and war hero
0:02:04 > 0:02:06who's never met the Queen and never had a medal.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08That's us chatting to
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Obergruppenfuhrer Heinrich Klump later.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13But first - this.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15What can I say, Theo?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Some of these entrepreneurs just need a good kick up the backside.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Yeah, but you can't actually kick 'em up the backside, though.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25If she presses charges...
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Cor! Check out the buns on that!
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- Sorry, guys, can I have your mics, please?- Yep.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I might need a bit of a hand with mine, love.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Hmmmm...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Left a bit.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I hope you don't mind me asking, erm, only I'm running the marathon
0:02:46 > 0:02:47for a local charity.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Would you guys sponsor me? It's a pound a mile?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52OK. Well let's get into the numbers.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Now, I make that a projected income...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57of 26 quid.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Well, yeah, it's a pound a mile,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02so 26 miles is 26 quid.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Well done. You've done your homework.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08So I'm going to make you an offer.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13But for 26 of my hard-earned pounds,
0:03:13 > 0:03:14I'm going to want double.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I want 52 miles.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I can't do that.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22What, a big strong boy like you?
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I'll have you know, when I first started me pallet business
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I couldn't afford a forklift truck
0:03:28 > 0:03:32so I had to carry all the stuff on me back.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Look, have a feel if you like.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35You know, Hilary,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38you're in such good shape for a woman of indeterminable age.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40You're not wrong there.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45Now, look, young man, Theo has made you a very good offer here.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49I suggest you take it before he mentions his business again.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- Did I mention that I own Rymans? - Too late.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I knew I shouldn't have asked.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Never mind him. Come on, let's wrestle.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00SHE GRUNTS
0:04:06 > 0:04:10This week, I tell you about the, er, English countryside.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14This is where the Englishmen, they dress up in the red party jacket,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18they have many dog and horse, and they go hunting.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21But what do they hunt that they need so many dog?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23The lion? The tiger?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25The grizzly bear? The John Terry?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28No. They hunt a little fox.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32It take a-50 of them to hunt a little Basil Brushy fox.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35And a-guess what? They not allowed to catch him.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38It's illegal. Good. So they PRETEND to hunt the fox.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40It's like-a the pantomime.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- Oh, no, it isn't!- Oh, yes, it is!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45He cannot help himself.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53This week sees the release
0:04:53 > 0:04:56of the much anticipated blockbuster, Captain America.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58In this latest offering from Marvel Studios
0:04:58 > 0:05:00we see this really cool man
0:05:00 > 0:05:03and he's, like, in the army, or a general, or something,
0:05:03 > 0:05:07and he comes from America, or Alaska, or something like that.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10But most of all, he's really yummy, if I can say that out loud.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14So he does this thing, and it all goes, "Boom, swoosh!"
0:05:14 > 0:05:18And the other man, who's got a red head and kind of no face,
0:05:18 > 0:05:22he's on the other side and he goes, "Boooommmm! Crruuushhh!"
0:05:22 > 0:05:24And, "Krrrakkkkk! Poosssssh!"
0:05:24 > 0:05:27And someone goes, "Noooooooo!"
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Which I think was the best bit.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31What did you think? Then the man with the red head
0:05:31 > 0:05:34ends up all, "Arrrggghhhhhh!"
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Which is also a good bit,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39but it turns out he's not really dead, which is good too.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43In the end, I thought it was - I'm going to use a big word here
0:05:43 > 0:05:45magnificent.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49So you might like it, but then again, of course, you might not.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Anyway, the film opens nationwide this Friday.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03I once laughed so hard at my own joke that I burst my eardrums.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05HE CACKLES
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Ooh.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Gosh, yes, very embarrassing.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I was doing an Antiques Roadshow
0:06:13 > 0:06:16and I dropped a priceless vase like this one.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18I'm not paying for that.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I've been run over by John Major, Tony Blair,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Gordon Brown, and David Cameron
0:06:23 > 0:06:26even Boris Johnson's hit me with his bike.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29It's almost as if they don't like me.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Lovely day today, isn't it, Paul?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Lovely?! Have you gone stark-raving mad?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38It's like the wrath of God out there!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Five minutes in that sun and you'd have skin like an armadillo!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I'm sweating like a teenage footballer
0:06:43 > 0:06:46on his first night in prison here, I really am!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49What is it about the warm weather that means fat, ugly people
0:06:49 > 0:06:51can walk down the high street wearing nothing but fake tan
0:06:51 > 0:06:54and a tattoo that says, "fat tourist" in Chinese?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57It's like someone dressed up a load of space hoppers in bikinis.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59You can keep your picnics an' all.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Sitting on a cow pat eating a wasp sandwich?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I've had more fun having root canal!
0:07:04 > 0:07:09At least we won't have to worry about the heat too long. We'll be dead of skin cancer by the weekend!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I was going to ask you if you want to come over for a barbecue
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I'd rather stick me face in a fan!
0:07:19 > 0:07:23- So where were you when the crime took place?- At home.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24At home?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28The cake stand - it's where I live.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31So you must have got a view of the perpetrator. Can you describe him?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35He was a man. Surprise, surprise.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Could you be a bit more specific?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38A man.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42A useless waste of space that's only good for one thing -
0:07:42 > 0:07:46and that's refilling the HobNob box.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Right, and can you tell me what he looked like?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51He looked a bit weird.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Weird in what way?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Well he had two ears,
0:07:55 > 0:07:59which is a bit pointless cos we all know men don't listen.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Was there anything unusual about the robber's behaviour?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Yes, he was filling a bag with money
0:08:06 > 0:08:09whilst telling everyone not to move.
0:08:09 > 0:08:14First time I've ever seen a man multi-task.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16If you did actually see a robbery take place,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19how come you can't you tell me a thing about the man that did it?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Because I'm in shock.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23The whole thing was very upsetting.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Yeah, I'm sorry.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30It must have been traumatic.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34You're telling me, he knocked over a cake stand.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Oi! That's no job for a man.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Leave the cleaning up to me.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I'll just eat them off the floor.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Men, honestly.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55In Russia they have the Bolshoi ballet,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57in Austria they have the waltz,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59in Spain they dance the flamenco,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02this is dancing in England.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05See, they call it Strictly Come Morris Dancing.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07It's all men.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10The ladies, they not do this dance.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I think maybe it too girly for them.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15All the Morris dancer have the beard.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18It's so their friends they no recognizing them.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Hey, Tulisa, there you are. - I wasn't nicking 'em.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31I didn't say that you were. You've been doing a great job as a judge,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34You've owned it, you've nailed it. How can I put this?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36The X Factor - it's a huge, great big show.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Sometimes it can get a bit...daunting. Just a little.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Relax, "Lewis", I totally get it.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Great! You totally get it.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48You want some advice, right, you've come to the right place.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I have got two whole years of experience
0:09:50 > 0:09:52which no-one in the world can match.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56I created Westlife and they've been going much longer than that.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I was going to give you some pointers.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Excuse me, Grandad - talking!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Sorry.- Right, here's my advice
0:10:02 > 0:10:05from everything I've learned over my long career.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Listen up. Don't bite the microphone, it's not a toy.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11If someone says, "N-Dubz to the stage," that's you.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13The two guys on stage are part of the band,
0:10:13 > 0:10:14so don't set security on them.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18If you can hear your voice but your mouth ain't moving, you're miming.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21If there isn't an X on the front of your desk, you're at school.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Judges don't have to queue up for the X Factor,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26even though there isn't actually a sign that says that and there should be.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31And don't wear your Lycra stage outfit on the bus, cos there's nowhere to put your ticket.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Right.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Seriously. You do all that, you can't go far wrong.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41No Lycra on the bus.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44If only I'd known THAT sooner.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Do you have a voice that could curdle milk?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52That makes nails on a blackboard sound like nightingale song?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Then what you need is the...
0:10:59 > 0:11:02It's ever so simple.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Just hold the device up to your mouth...
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- IN POSH VOICE: - ..and hey presto!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10You sound like a right posh cow.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Choose from over 100 silky smooth voices. There's Lorraine Kelly...
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: - Oh, there! That's so much better!
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Joanna Lumley...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- POSH VOICE: - Lovely.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Who better to pronounce the Queen's English than the Queen?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- SHE IMITATES THE QUEEN:- One has never enunciated more clearly.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31The Janet Street-Porter Vowel Destrangler. Download it now!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41OK, thanks for coming.
0:11:41 > 0:11:48Really, it's just to say that all of the rumours that you've heard...
0:11:48 > 0:11:50All of them are true.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- Ooh!- And all of the surviving Beatles
0:11:53 > 0:11:56are going to be getting back
0:11:56 > 0:11:59for a special reunion tour.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- So it's going to be an amazing thing, you know.- Sir Paul?- Yeah.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Isn't that just you and Ringo?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Well, to be honest, I didn't actually ask Ringo, you know.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I sort of just thought that no-one would miss him.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15So, it's all of the surviving Beatles except Ringo.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Sort of like...The Fab One.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20FROG SONG RINGTONE Excuse me.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Yeah, it's Paul, you know?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27FRANTIC JABBERING
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Look, I'm sorry, Ringo, I just sort of thought that you'd be busy
0:12:33 > 0:12:35with all the train stuff.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38JABBERING Who's told him?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Look, Ringo. It's cool, you know?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Of course you can come on the tour.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45JABBERING It's cool. All right, peace and love.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47All right. Thanks, Ringo.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Do you know, that is actually good news.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54We needed someone to sell the t-shirts.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59FROG SONG RINGTONE I'm not answering that.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03And we're joined now by our Political Editor, Nick Robinson.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06So, difficult times at Number Ten, Nick?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08That's right, Fiona.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Resignations, sackings, in-fighting, back-room deals.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Make no mistake, the next 24 hours
0:13:15 > 0:13:18will be the most important in the life of this Government.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Will the Prime Minister call a General election?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Maybe he will. It's a big gamble.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26But this is a Prime Minister
0:13:26 > 0:13:28who doesn't mind rolling the political dice.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Ooh!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Eurrgh!
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Robinso-o-on! I'll get you, Robinson!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I was involved in a head-on collision with a hippo.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14The surgeon done wonders to put us back together,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17but I think I ended up with the hippo's teeth.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I got so excited last night,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23that I inhaled my whole family
0:14:23 > 0:14:24in my lungs.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26It's SO exciting!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I have a hilarious story about that.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Actually, I don't.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Or about anything else.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42This dancing not the only old English tradition
0:14:42 > 0:14:43that still survive.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45This a gurning.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49The old man, he make a bad face.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53This is the whole game. This is sport in England.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57It's like a-football except the players are much better looking.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I mean this fella, he a real ugly bug, but he no Gary Neville.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05Next week, I look at old English tradition of pigeon fancying.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Si, they fancy the pigeon.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12I suppose that what it mean when Ashley Cole say he pull a bird.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14What can you do?
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Well, it was nice to have eaten with you, to have eaten with you nice.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Thank you so much, Jan, my darling.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Brucie!
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Oh, goodness me, what a wonderful...surprise.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37You do remember me? Arlene.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Oh, yes, of course I do! So are you keeping well?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Oh, well...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45So, are you keeping well?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Well, of course! I'm great. I'm fantastic.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50I'm so lonely!
0:15:50 > 0:15:53So terribly, terribly lonely!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Now, come on, there's no need for all this.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Let's lift that mood. Higher, higher.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Would it interest you to know that you're my favourite?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Really? You're not just saying that?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I'm not the sort to toss catchphrases around lightly.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Oh, you don't know how much that means to me, Brucie,
0:16:10 > 0:16:11you saying that.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I think I can finally move on and leave the past behind.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18No more tears, no more therapists.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21No more eating cat food straight out of the tin.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25From now on, I eat it off a plate.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Thank you, Brucie! Thank you so much!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31MUSIC: STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Blimey, Bruno Tonioli's really let himself go!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I love Chinese food.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47I just wish cooking it was a bit more...exciting.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50You want exciting Chinese food? Don't worry, girlfriend.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I've got noodles of excitement for you.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53It's a wok....
0:16:53 > 0:16:55it's a gun....
0:16:55 > 0:16:57It's the new Gok Wan Wok Gun.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00A Gok Wan Wok Gun? I want one!
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Of course you do. Everyone wants some Gok Wan Wok Gun fun.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07And for a limited time only, buy one Gok Wan Wok Gun
0:17:07 > 0:17:10and get one Gok Wan Wok Gun free.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13My worn-out old wok's gone, now I've got a Gok Wan Wok Gun.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15The Gok Wan Wok Gun,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17from the people who brought you the Ken Hom Hen Comb.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18It's fierce, girlfriend!
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- TV:- 'I particularly like the early 1980s mass-manufactured look
0:17:24 > 0:17:26'with a reserve of £30 at auction...'
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Charles, we need to talk.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34- Couldn't it wait until Cash in the Attic's finished?- No.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38But that woman there just found a vase that could sell at auction
0:17:38 > 0:17:40for up to £30.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Makes one think, doesn't it? Wonder if this old tat's worth anything?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Ohhh! One was watching that!
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Never mind "Ohhh!", Charles. Just look at yourself!
0:17:53 > 0:17:57slumped on the sofa watching mind-numbing junk!
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Now, that's well a lie!
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Mind-Numbing Junk With Nick Knowles isn't on for another two hours yet.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06We've got a Loose Women water-retention special on next.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11Poopie, you can't just sit there and wait for a job to come to you.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15You've got to get on your bike and go get yourself one!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Here one goes again.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Don't you realise there's a global recession going on?
0:18:19 > 0:18:23One has applied for hundreds of jobs, but when times get tough,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Kings are one of the first things countries cut back on.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29I've already been through that.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Oh, really?
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Look.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34There we are.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37"Positions Vacant King."
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- There.- That's in Swaziland.- Huh?
0:18:40 > 0:18:44One simply can't leave London and go down there.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- Greenland?- With my back?!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Wakey-wakey, Charles!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53You can't just laze around all day like a loser!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55HE GROANS
0:18:55 > 0:18:57You're absolutely right.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01I'm going to get a job and laze around all day like a king.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Welcome back to The One Show
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Tonight, it's every parent's worst nightmare.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16What can you do if you discover that both your sons are Jedward?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19And we meet the Kent woman who just three years ago was penniless,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- but now has a penny. - But first - this.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Multi-million dollar home, sweet multi-million dollar home.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Where shall I put your hate mail, boss?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Oh, just stick it with the rest. Little stuffy in here.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41I think I'll open the window.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43No, don't do that, boss!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- ANGRY SHOUTING - Go home, limey!
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Who the hell are you to tell me I can't sing?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Oh, I remember your singing
0:19:51 > 0:19:55and I've heard a cat in a blender make a more appealing noise.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- You're a jerk!- Missed!
0:19:58 > 0:20:02I've seen a girl who's really bad at throwing, throw better than you.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Take that, Cowell!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Right! That's the last straw! I quit!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08OK, reality check.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12You can't go. I tell people when to go.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13That's my job.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- Not this time, buddy. Man, I lost three teeth.- I can get you new ones.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I've lost the hearing in this ear, the sight in this eye.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I've almost been stabbed, shot.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I've been bitten by Louis Walsh and hit by bricks twice.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Three times!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29OK, quiet day.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Well I've had enough. I'm out of here.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34You know what? That's a real shame.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38You have been my favourite bodyguard ever, er...
0:20:40 > 0:20:45- Denzel.- That's right, Denzel. How will I ever replace you?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I'm sure you'll think of something
0:20:48 > 0:20:50OK, memo to self.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Hi there, Simon. Great new programme idea.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Bodyguard Idol. OK, Simon. Bye.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02The headlines tonight - thousands of students will learn today.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05The rest will sit at the back of the class,
0:21:05 > 0:21:06texting friends on their mobiles.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10And scientists have discovered a new species of cockroach
0:21:10 > 0:21:14and say it's only a matter of time before it starts dating Katie Price.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17We've got a full-time vacancy for a sales consultant,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20working for a mobile phone company based in Swindon.
0:21:20 > 0:21:2335K plus bonus pool.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25And would that involve being King at all?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Let's have a look.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- No.- Ah!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Hang on. Here's one.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Vacancy - King.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39Would involve being fawned over by loyal subjects.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- Must have own crown and sceptre. - That sounds absolutely perfect.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45It does sound right up your street.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48You're fully experienced at waving?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- And you can say... - "And what do you do?"
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I'm so way ahead of you.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Great! And you do have a clean driving licence?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58My chauffeur does, yes.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Excellent. Well, I'll just give them a call.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- I assume you've got experience.- Hmm?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- I assume you've got experience being king?- Well...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- Just a couple of years is fine. - No.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- 6 months?- No.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- A few weeks?- No.- A day?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Yes!- Really?- No.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I'm sorry.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21The council have got a job for a toilet cleaner.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I'm really looking for something with a sceptre.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Well, I suppose you could use it to unblock the toilets.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29HE WEEPS
0:22:29 > 0:22:33I'm so sorry. Have you got a place to stay?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Yeah. Seven, actually.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Sir Paul are the rumours true?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50OK, I've got some bad news.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I'm leaving the re-formed Beatles.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57I guess we just had one or two creative differences, you know?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Bit of a drag.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03But I'm starting a new band.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07It's a reunion of all the surviving members of Wings
0:23:07 > 0:23:09apart from Denny Laine, so...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11So that's...?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Yeah, it's basically just me again.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17FROG SONG RINGTONE I'm not answering that.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Well, I'm forever falling off my skateboard
0:23:24 > 0:23:27and tripping over my Nintendo DFS
0:23:27 > 0:23:31and other things that we young people do.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Yeah.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I once walked out of a changing room into a crowded shop
0:23:36 > 0:23:38completely naked.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Oh sorry, did you say accident? Oh, no.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Yeah, I accidentally switched dairies with Cheryl Cole
0:23:45 > 0:23:46at the hairdressers.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Though to be honest, that's turned out quite well for me.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Yeah, have you ever wondered why
0:23:52 > 0:23:56when ever anybody walks into a glass door, or falls off a ladder,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59or trips over a small dog, there's always somebody there to film it
0:23:59 > 0:24:01for You've Been Framed?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I know I have!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I'll let you in on a little secret.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Volcanoes are just the earth getting acne.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Ooh! No, not that secret.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13This secret. Follow me.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I got the idea for this from Minority Report,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23you know that film with that Tom Cruise?
0:24:23 > 0:24:27You don't know? That's all right. I'll get Tom to explain it.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Hi there, Tom.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31He says it's the sci-fi one
0:24:31 > 0:24:35where they wire up baldies to see into the future
0:24:35 > 0:24:38which sounds even more far-fetched than scientology.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42I think Tom might have heard that. Ow!
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Yes, Tom definitely heard that. Oh! Stop it! Naughty Tom!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Anyway, where are we going to find a baldy to wire up
0:24:48 > 0:24:50at this short notice?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Yeah, all right. No need to phone in.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Now, whenever there's an amusing accident some time in the future,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I have a vision of it.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Just go with it, all right?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Patching the vision through now.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Here we go.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- Arrgh!- Ooh!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18What a shot. Straight in there.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20What are the chances of that happening?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Now just need to go and catch it on film.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Yeah I got it! Phew, that was just in time.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Do hurry up, Charles.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- You don't want to miss your carriage for work.- On one's way.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44I'm so proud of you, Poopie. A King at last!
0:25:46 > 0:25:50I've packed your favourite. Jellied pheasant and rollmop swan.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Thank you, treacle.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55# Knees up, Queen Mother Brown, Knees up, Queen Mother Brown. #
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Other way, dear.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Cor blimey, guvnor. Love a duck, have a banana.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Phoar!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18On the Square, I'm just a nobody
0:26:18 > 0:26:21with ridiculously large earrings.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24But on the dance floor, I'm the king.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26With ridiculously large earrings.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29They call me Snake Hips.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Cos I look like a python that's swallowed a bus.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36MUSIC: "Night Fever" by the Bee Gees
0:27:01 > 0:27:05'Dance floors will never be the same again.'
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Every day, sunny. Cos I've got a sunbed, haven't I?
0:27:13 > 0:27:14I don't want to hear any more.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:40 > 0:27:43E-mail: subtitling@bbc.co.uk