0:00:29 > 0:00:34Listen, I'm not being funny, but this is, like, the 10th week in a row you've been up here.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38You shouldn't be on the stage seating thingy. That is for the judges.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I'm Louis Walsh.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Oh, that's nice...
0:00:42 > 0:00:43You know your name.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Did you escape from the retirement people's home?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Do you want us to call someone to get you? DO YOU NEED THE TOILET?
0:00:50 > 0:00:55No, I don't! Look, Tulisa, I'm Louis Walsh. I am a judge on The X Factor.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Why would Simon aks his granddad to judge pop music?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Because Simon knows I'm the best.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I know all about great pop music. I created Boyzone!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- Westlife? - Way before my time, Gramps.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I am personally responsible for Jedward!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Oh, my God, when you say it out loud,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15you really can't pretend it never happened.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Shall I call the old people's home, tell them to get your room ready?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I think that might be for the best.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30It's very neighbourly of you.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34The flat's a mess of packing boxes, and I can't find the coffee.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Coffee, sweetheart? You need more than coffee.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42When you want to make an impression,
0:01:42 > 0:01:47you don't want none of that fancy continental muck.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Here, get that down your neck.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53What is it?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Whelks.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59The new Pearly King Whelkspresso Machine.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03A proper taste of the East End for you to enjoy at home.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Genuine pub-fresh seafood.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Whelks.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Cockles.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Winkles.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Jellied eels.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Crab sticks.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Still,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16or fizzy, if they're on the turn.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20The romance of Bow Bells, at the push of a button.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I'll have yours, then.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Do you have any unusual skills?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Errrr....
0:02:40 > 0:02:44I can fit 400 grapes into my mouth.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45I can throw my voice.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47'The Cube.'
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Pretty impressive, huh?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I'm very good at wink murder.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54< SHRIEK
0:02:54 > 0:02:57There goes another one.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Hi there. It's David and Elton, and we're going to impart
0:03:03 > 0:03:06some of the knowledge that we have gained during our..
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Don't milk it, dear. You know they're only here to see me. # Get to the point! #
0:03:10 > 0:03:13OK, so now it's time for..
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Changing nappies can be a total nightmare...
0:03:21 > 0:03:23# Daddy, it's a nightmare
0:03:23 > 0:03:27# It smells so bad And it's just not fair... #
0:03:27 > 0:03:34Quite. So here's our handy tips for making things so much easier.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38# Get a nanny to change the nappy... #
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Get a nanny.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41That's right.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45You know what, those ladies are a godsend.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47# They're a godsend... #
0:03:48 > 0:03:51David, I think he's done one.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Come on, let's go to Milan.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I don't know your name, but you're on.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00# Text me when he goes to university... #
0:04:06 > 0:04:08This week sees the release
0:04:08 > 0:04:14of Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson's latest blockbuster, The Adventures Of Tintin.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16In it, this boy, well, he's not real, but he is,
0:04:16 > 0:04:22well, he's a cartoon, but he's not because he's made by a computer, so he looks real, but he's not.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Anyway, he's called Tintin or something
0:04:24 > 0:04:27and he works for a newspaper, even though he's a boy. Hello!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30And he finds out about stuff going on and he writes about it,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33and he meets a man, who is also a cartoon, but he's got a beard,
0:04:33 > 0:04:37which I'm slightly obsessed by, and a boat, and they become friends.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38And you go, "Really? OK".
0:04:38 > 0:04:45So then they go on this boat and boy's dog is on the boat and they go and find out about some stuff.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48And when they find the stuff, they stop the stuff from happening,
0:04:48 > 0:04:53because it's bad stuff, I mean, it's REALLY bad stuff. And that's what they do.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Then they're not on the boat, which is then pretty much it.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59And it said "The End" and all these names came up. Remember that bit?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03My friend Natalie said they were people in the film who did stuff on it,
0:05:03 > 0:05:07but not actually part of the film, which is good, cos I thought that was really boring.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11So go and see it, but leave when I it says "The End".
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I liked the dog too.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Tintin opens at cinemas across the country, this Friday.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Coming up later in Countryfile,
0:05:24 > 0:05:28I discover a barn full of Victorian milk churns.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I'll be visiting Cumbria's shortest lighthouse.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33And I'll be visiting the Truro Show,
0:05:33 > 0:05:38where I'll be chained hand and foot and torn apart by shire horses.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40But first, mud.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- Is that it?- Yes. - You should be more careful - shouldn't leave ducks lying around.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Can I help you sir?
0:05:50 > 0:05:55Yes. Can you explain to me why this is a Lost Property office?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Shouldn't it be a FOUND Property office?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Surely if all of these items were lost,
0:06:00 > 0:06:04they wouldn't be here, they would be found. I mean, what's going on there?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Have you lost something, sir?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Yes, I have lost my big book of observations.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13This morning, I made an observation that when there is a pregnant lady standing in front of you on the bus,
0:06:13 > 0:06:17you never know whether to give your seat up for her because she may just be fat!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Preggers or porky? Preggers or porky? What to do?
0:06:20 > 0:06:25I made this observation but I didn't have my book of observations, so I wrote it down here.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Well, it just so happens you're in luck, sir.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Somebody handed this in this morning.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Quickly, let me write down my observations before I forget them! Before I forget them.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37My Biro does not work!
0:06:37 > 0:06:38What's all that about?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I mean, when the assistant in WH Smith said,
0:06:40 > 0:06:45"What kind of pen are you looking for, sir?" I did not say, "One that doesn't work".
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Mr Found Property man, do you by any chance have a Biro?
0:06:51 > 0:06:55You do! This is good, this is good, this is good.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Why am I compelled to chew the end of my Biro?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Why am I compelled to do this? A Biro is not a foodstuff.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04It is not. When I go to a cafe, I do not ask for fish and Biros.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06And now, foreign news.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10I had a lovely time in Tuscany, found a lovely little restaurant off the beaten track,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13where the whole staff spoke English and were clean-shaven,
0:07:13 > 0:07:18and read the whole of my Jilly Cooper in one day, which is a personal record for me.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Completely missed that earthquake or hurricane or whatever it was that.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23I'm sure it wasn't important.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28So I said, "Yes, I know they're children's clothes,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31"but they are for me. I'm hoping to grow into them".
0:07:31 > 0:07:33G'day, Kylie.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Hello, Gordon.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39I said "g'day" because that's what they say in Australia, and you're Australian.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Right on both counts.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Anyway, I really must get going.
0:07:44 > 0:07:51- Kylie, I was wondering if you needed anyone to do a duet with on any of your upcoming albums or tours?- Um..
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I've got a lovely singing voice, don't worry.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56FLAT: # Oh, flower of Scotland, when will we... #
0:07:56 > 0:07:58No, Gordon, it's not that.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01It's just when I do a duet with someone,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I really need there to be some chemistry.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I've got that! I've been described as sulphurous.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I just don't think it would work.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Oh, don't you? Well, I could have you deported, you little...
0:08:15 > 0:08:18No, I couldn't - I'm not Prime Minister any more.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Oh, that is Helen off of Blue Peter. Helen, do you need any Blue Peter Presenters?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Well, I used to be a great runner, you know.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Yes, I used to be able to run all day.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34But then they invented the wheel and there wasn't so much call for it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I can ride a horse.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I can also knock one out with one punch.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Oh, yeah, loads of them, like.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48I can name all the kings of England in chronological order
0:08:48 > 0:08:50and I can do this.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- That's impressive.- I know.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Chronological order.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04Coochy-coo! Who's a little cutey pie, eh?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Who's a little monkey, and so cute?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Oh, my.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Look at him.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Isn't he beautiful?
0:09:13 > 0:09:18He's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Are you saying my baby's ugly!?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23No. I really do think he's beautiful.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- What's his name?- Jayden.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Jayden.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31What a lovely name.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33What? Don't you like it?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36No. I love the name Jayden.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37It's a great name.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41I wish I'd called my son Jayden.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46It's all right if you don't like the name Jayden. You don't have to be quite so mean about it.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Oh, sorry...
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Look, my voice just sounds sarcastic.
0:09:52 > 0:09:58I can't help it. Everything I say sounds sarcastic.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Do you mean that or are you being sarcastic?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02My point exactly.
0:10:02 > 0:10:08Believe me, even when I'm ecstatic, I still sound sarcastic.
0:10:08 > 0:10:14"Thank you for this BAFTA, I'm really delighted to receive it".
0:10:14 > 0:10:19"Oh, look, a cake shop. Hooray!"
0:10:19 > 0:10:20See what I mean?
0:10:20 > 0:10:25OK, I get it. I'm sorry. Didn't mean any harm. It's fine.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Mmm, smells like someone's done a doo-doo.
0:10:30 > 0:10:36- Oh, please, let me. I love changing nappies.- Really?
0:10:36 > 0:10:41Don't be stupid, I really was being sarcastic that time.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Available now on DVD - John Bishop Live!
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Who would have thought that me, John Bishop,
0:10:50 > 0:10:54just an ordinary lad from Liverpool, would be standing here on his own live DVD.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58It's me dream come true.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Includes a DVD commentary by the start himself.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Who'd have thought that me, John Bishop,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07just an ordinary lad from Liverpool,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10would be sitting here in this recording studio,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13doing the DVD commentary for his own live DVD
0:11:13 > 0:11:17that contains a making of documentary.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20It's me dream come true.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Yes, John Bishop talks about John Bishop
0:11:22 > 0:11:26talking about John Bishop live on the John Bishop live DVD.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29It's me dream come true.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38I've met the drug gangs of Colombia, the Neo-Nazi gangs of Moscow
0:11:38 > 0:11:41and the deadly prison gangs of South Africa.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44but never before have I encountered
0:11:44 > 0:11:48the level of intolerance of outsiders evident in this gang,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51with their motto "The Only Way is Essex".
0:11:51 > 0:11:55I'm in Chigwell to meet the terrifying gang known on the streets as the Towies.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04The gang rule the beauty salons and nightclubs of Essex
0:12:04 > 0:12:07with a highly manicured orange fist.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10In recent times, the Towies have achieved celebrity status,
0:12:10 > 0:12:15openly flaunting their insidious gang culture on satellite television.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I'm about to meet one of the leaders - a young woman named Amy.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Hi there, I'm Ross. I mean no disrespect.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Is it cool if we speak with you?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26All right?
0:12:26 > 0:12:32Luckily I have studied Towie street speak and am ready with the correct response.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- Yeah, I'm all right. You all right? - I'm all right.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37PHONE RINGS
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Yeah, whatever. I could drink him under the table.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46Course I'm up for it. You know me. Never miss a bit of clubbing.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Two days later, and I'm told it's safe to return.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00My contact arranges a meet with one of the gang's heavies, Mark.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02So, er, geezer...
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Tell me about the average day in the life of a Towie.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Oh, yeah, yeah, 100%.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09So I get up, go for a cruise in the convertible.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Then it's off down to the wine bar with couple of the other geezers,
0:13:13 > 0:13:18- then hit the gym for a couple of hours.- All seems perfectly innocent.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19I love working out.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Want to feel one of my guns?
0:13:21 > 0:13:25I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35And if I'm going to connect with the gang, I need to earn their trust.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38So I've booked myself in to one of the gang's cribs,
0:13:38 > 0:13:42or "salons" as they call them, to take one of the gang's initiations.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47I don't know what that involves, but it can't be that dangerous
0:13:47 > 0:13:48if it's called a "vajazzle".
0:13:48 > 0:13:50< Ross! Ross!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52< Oh, whatever.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Things kicked off before I could get out of there.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02I will carry the secret of what happened inside to my grave.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Suffice to say
0:14:03 > 0:14:08I shan't be taking any communal showers for a long, long time.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12All you can do is your best.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14You train as hard as you can, you learn from the pros
0:14:14 > 0:14:18and then you put all that together to do the best dance that you can do
0:14:18 > 0:14:20and that's the only way you can win.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Either that or putting itching powder in the other dancers' pants.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Seriously?! Better remember not get on the wrong side of you.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29And by the way you parked in my space this morning.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32And we're back...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34in three, two...
0:14:36 > 0:14:41OK, how are you? In a little while, Giles Brandreth will be here on this sofa,
0:14:41 > 0:14:45telling you how you can win an all-expenses-paid holiday in Chigley. How cool is that?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47You all right, Chris?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Fine.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Good evening. And welcome to The Sky At Night.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Or The Sky Plus At Night if you're watching this tomorrow.
0:15:03 > 0:15:09Now, if you look through your telescope around this time of year,
0:15:09 > 0:15:16you should be able to see a huge flaming star that threatens to engulf all around it.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24You know, the observable universe is just vast and unimaginably huge.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27It may even be bigger than that. It's infinite, yeah?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31How do we explain that, despite this colossal size,
0:15:31 > 0:15:37you'll still bump into your ex in Tesco's when you look a right mess.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Amazing.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Yes, Professor Brian Cox.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47You can't get more of a flaming star than this jumped-up little haircut.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Well, who do you think you are, Professor Brian Cox?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Think you can just stroll into the BBC, smile like a big girl,
0:15:55 > 0:16:00and convince everyone that the centre of our solar system shines out of Uranus?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Think you're the only one who can sex up science?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Well, I was the hippest thing in astronomy
0:16:05 > 0:16:08when your ancestors were still specks of interstellar dust,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12floating through the Khyber belt beyond Pluto.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16# The universe is fantastic Jupiter's boombastic
0:16:16 > 0:16:18# Great red spot storms Are getting drastic
0:16:18 > 0:16:21# Booyaka, booyaka Saturn is massive
0:16:21 > 0:16:23# Booyaka, booyaka Saturn is massive
0:16:23 > 0:16:25# Andromedaaaaaa... #
0:16:25 > 0:16:29There, Mr Cox! Stick that up your nebulous and smoke it.
0:16:33 > 0:16:3512-0!
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Come on!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Hi, guys, sorry to interrupt.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43Mandy from the office, her baby's due on Tuesday. Do you want to sign the card and put in for the present?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46What kind of investment are we looking at?
0:16:46 > 0:16:51- Everyone else has given a fiver.- So you want £5 of my hard-earned money?
0:16:51 > 0:16:56£5 of my children's inheritance?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58You know what, it's not worth it.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00You give up too easily.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Do you think I'd have won the World Hod-Carrying Championships three years running
0:17:05 > 0:17:07if I'd thrown in the towel that easily?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10OK, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I will give you half the money,
0:17:13 > 0:17:18but I'm going to want 25% of the child.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I can't do this.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24That's such a shame.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- Why? You think he should have taken the offer?- No.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I forgot to say that I own Ryman's.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32There's always a first. Now, come on, let's wrestle!
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Mrs Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50In those shoes?! Don't think so, girlfriend!
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Kitten heels may be all the rage,
0:17:51 > 0:17:55but you need some lengthy stilettos to lend some length to those fun-sized thighs.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Stick with your Auntie Gok
0:17:58 > 0:18:03and we'll have you feeling just as confident about your body with your clothes on or off.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06My work here is done!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Gok and roll!
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Look, it's no good. We're completely lost.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17We should have stayed with the lifeboat on the beach.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Ah, now we're out of water.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Wait! A plane... There's a plane!
0:18:21 > 0:18:26They're searching for us! Oh, dear God! Harry, pass us the flare gun.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29We're going home, Harry. We're going home!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Not so fast, Sailor Boy.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34NO! Now the plane won't spot us.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39You're right, they won't. Not with this off-the-peg emergency flare gun.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41If you want to be seen,
0:18:41 > 0:18:45then you need something homemade that expresses your individuality.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46But Peterson is dying.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Yes, dying for some homemade ceramics,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51like this vase that I made
0:18:51 > 0:18:56with the help from a posh friend of mine who's trying to find a purpose in life.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Wow, that is fantastic!
0:18:58 > 0:19:02That knock the spots off any blah-blah flare gun. What do you think, Peterson?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Iridescent.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Well, that search plane might have gone,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10but the next one won't miss this bone china beauty.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13By the way, where's the nearest Harvey Nicks?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I don't think there is one.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17What? No!
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Wait!
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Come back!
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Wait!
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Come back!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Come baaaaack!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I can juggle lorries.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I can crack walnuts with my buns.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Sorry, not buns...hammer.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Yeah, I'm great at telling jokes.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42How many Katie Prices does it take to write one of my novels?
0:19:43 > 0:19:44None.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I don't get that.
0:19:49 > 0:19:54Ladies, gentlemen and tabloid journalists...bleurgh!
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Welcome, as you are
0:19:55 > 0:20:01to this, the unveiling of the new London Cycle Path scheme.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05The most perspicuous route, marked here in red,
0:20:05 > 0:20:10will revolutionise velocipede travel in our fair city.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Automobiles will be banned from the route,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17thereby allowing free and easy movement to aficionados
0:20:17 > 0:20:23of this most laudable mode of self-propelled transport.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Isn't this new bike-only path just a direct route from your home to your office?
0:20:27 > 0:20:31I don't like what you're insinuating. I don't like it one little bit!
0:20:31 > 0:20:36This, of course, just the start of a much bigger scheme.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Phase Two shall see the construction of a cycle path
0:20:40 > 0:20:42directly from my house here,
0:20:42 > 0:20:46through to my new Swedish PA's flat, here.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Any questions? No? Good.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Boris, I have a question...
0:20:51 > 0:20:55And we're joined now by our Political Editor, Nick Robinson.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58So, exciting times at Number 10, Nick?
0:20:58 > 0:20:59That's right, Fiona.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02A leadership contest reaching its climax,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04a lame-duck prime minister,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06a political legacy in tatters.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Manifesto pledges, long since forgotten,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13a chancellor totally out of control, maybe.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17A prime minister packing his bags, certainly.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18A lurch to the right
0:21:18 > 0:21:21for a party already out of touch with its members.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Dark days indeed for a government
0:21:24 > 0:21:25that promised so much
0:21:25 > 0:21:30and for the Prime Minister, a political wilderness surely awaits.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Robinson!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I'll get you, Robinson!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41And, you know, don't forget that
0:21:41 > 0:21:45through all of the trials and tribulations of being a parent
0:21:45 > 0:21:47that every child's a blessing.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Every day you see your reflection in your newborn's face.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56- I mean, I think he has my eyes and my nose.- He's got my hair.- You think? - No, really.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59He's got my hair. I want it back! Look at that. It's ruined!
0:21:59 > 0:22:03It's got baby sick all over it. This is the one I wore at the Royal Wedding!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Stacey Solomon, how's life as a celebrity?
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Woo! Yeah, it's mental.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15People, like, call my name out in the street and I'm like, "Really?"
0:22:15 > 0:22:17They're like "Stacey!"
0:22:17 > 0:22:19And I'm like "Oh, my God!"
0:22:19 > 0:22:21And my mum's like, "Oh, my God! I can't believe it!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23"Stacey Solomon's famous!"
0:22:23 > 0:22:26And I was like winding her up the other day, right,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28saying that I was going to change my name and that.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31But I wouldn't really, cos I'm Stacey Solomon.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Everyone knows me as Stacey Solomon,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36so if I changed my name, they'll expect somebody else,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39not Stacey Solomon, cos that's who I am, not the other person,
0:22:39 > 0:22:40if you see what I mean.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42They'd have to change my name on the door,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44then I wouldn't know where to go to.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46So, what's going on?! Oh, my God!
0:22:46 > 0:22:49My mum would say, "Hello, Stacey"...
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Later on the One Show...
0:22:50 > 0:22:53that's this show, that's us, what we're doing now, the One Show, us...
0:22:53 > 0:22:57violence on our streets. Why we can't send Giles Brandreth out any more.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01And later on, the hidden costs of child obesity.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05We talk to Amy, aged six, who's already squashed three ponies.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06But first, this.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Hi. I'm Simon Cowell.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18We all know times are tough, but I want to tell you about a great money-making opportunity.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22You could be earning up to £7 an hour working from home.
0:23:23 > 0:23:30I used to struggle by on a million pounds an hour, and, let me tell you, it was tough.
0:23:30 > 0:23:36Now I'm living the high life on one million and seven pounds an hour.
0:23:36 > 0:23:43Plus I've still got time for the important things in life, such as a quality hour with my fiancee.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Hi, I'm Simon.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Do you mind if I stuff these envelopes while we talk?
0:23:51 > 0:23:56Do what I did, and "Factor" a little "Xtra" into your pocket.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58£7 extra.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08I can work the fact that I knew the Beatles into any conversation.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09See?
0:24:09 > 0:24:13I can grope women whenever I like and not get arrested.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Like, yeah, I'm the world's record holder at speed-talking.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Sometimes I finish what I'm saying before I started.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Another world record. What am I like?!
0:24:28 > 0:24:32I like to know everything I can about where our food comes from,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34because you are what you eat.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39Making me a mixture of hedgehog, badger, seaweed and toad spit.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43This is Tina. Tina's lived outside River Cottage all her life.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46And tonight, I'm going to eat her.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Sorry, Tina.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52I know she's lived on organic grain in spacious accommodation
0:24:52 > 0:24:54with everything a chicken could want.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I've even installed a miniature Jacuzzi. She likes that.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00So I know Tina's had a really nice life.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02but I want to know more.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Where does she really come from?
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Hugh has called in notable historian Sebastian De Twaddle.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Well, I have some good news for you, Hugh.
0:25:11 > 0:25:17I think I may have found one of Tina's relatives and there's an Army connection.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20OK, and... Yeah, there it is.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24By Jove, it appears Tina's grandfather
0:25:24 > 0:25:28once served under a Colonel Sanders.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- Very grand! - And there's more.
0:25:31 > 0:25:39Tina's great-great-great-great grandmother was a star of stage and screen in the '80s.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Incredible...just incredible.
0:25:42 > 0:25:49But, and you may not like this, Hugh, Tina's great-great-great-great grandfather
0:25:49 > 0:25:52was not actually a chicken at all.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- Good grief! - What sort of bird is that?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01It's been a voyage of discovery for Hugh.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06I now know that Tina is not 100% pure chicken.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09But as it happens, I'm not 100% pure human.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12One of my ancestors was a squirrel.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16This long journey has taught me that Tina and I have a lot in common.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19It's also made me extremely hungry.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Which was extremely bad news for Tina. Bon appetit!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Good old Tina!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Yeah, right. The weather.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Today...sunny.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Tomorrow...sunny.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36The next day...sunny.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Every day...sunny.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Cos I've got a sunbed, haven't I?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43And you know, at the end of the day,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46if you can't afford one, get some fake tan.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50I can't use real sun, anyway, cos me norks mean the rest of me's in the shade.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Mars is astonishing.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Jupiter...astonishing.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Ay-up, lad. Neptune's astonishing.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Pluto IS ASTONISHING!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Saturn...astonishing.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12My steak and kidney pie...astonishing.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Brian Cox gets paid to do this?!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Astonishing!
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Who'd have thought it? Me, John Bishop - a bishop!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Brilliant. So exciting.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Of a Friday, I love to give it all drum and bass action and a lick-up stylee.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32And some lovely fat melons.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk