0:00:28 > 0:00:32- It's just through here. I've got no idea what's wrong with it.- I see.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37My wife's never going to believe it when I tell her I fixed Phillip Schofield's sink.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39She's a big fan of yours, Mr Schofield.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Now, please, call me Phil or Schofe.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Or the silver-haired fox.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Phil.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Right, let's have a look at it.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Yeah, it looks like the joint on the U-bend's leaking.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Shouldn't be too much trouble to fix.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Not so fast. First, let's find out the rules.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00'Inside The Cube, you have to mend Phil's U-bend,
0:01:00 > 0:01:05'but with your hands tied behind your back and blindfolded.'
0:01:05 > 0:01:07So, will you take on The Cube?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- 'The Cube!'- What're you doing?!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11All part of the challenge, Ted. Can I call you Ted?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13My name's Alan!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16OK, Ted, are you ready to take on The Cube?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- 'The Cube!'- We're not in The Cube, we're in your kitchen.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- 'The Kitchen!' - Now, we're all rooting for you, Ted.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26But remember, if you can't fix it, then you won't get paid.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Those are the rules, in...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- 'The Kitchen!' - Where's that voice coming from?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33'The ironing board cupboard.'
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Good luck, then.
0:01:41 > 0:01:47Coming up later on Countryfile, I'll be meeting Lincolnshire's youngest dry stone waller.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I'll be helping to renovate a windmill.
0:01:49 > 0:01:56And I'll be spending a cosy night in a small paddock with Randy the half-tonne bull.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01The humble calculator.
0:02:01 > 0:02:07There's no better aid to prudent home finances, and if you type in 58008618
0:02:07 > 0:02:11and hold it upside down, it says "big boobs," so it has multiple uses.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15I've got a gadget that helps me get much lower prices in the shops.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18It's a price gun with 10-p labels.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I've got this little thing.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24I always keep it looking pristine, just in case.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Hi, there. Let's talk about feeding the baby.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Oh, must we? You're boring them already.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38# Don't you know they only want to see me.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41# That is why they're here. #
0:02:41 > 0:02:43When feeding your baby,
0:02:43 > 0:02:47it's very important to check that the food is not too hot.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49OK, let me just test the temperature of this muck.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54That's OK.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59- Actually, this is pretty tasty. - This happens every time.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Fortunately, I made a spare.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07What would I do without you, David? Apart from be richer?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I'll just check that this is not too hot.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Got to check it for you.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15That's pretty good.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Hm.
0:03:17 > 0:03:23# It's the flavour of paradise Pineapple and liver. #
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Our main story again.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Government austerity measures mean that we can no longer afford
0:03:31 > 0:03:37to have seven days in a week, so Wednesday and Thursday are being merged to create Wehursday.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I like it.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- Oh, hi, there, got your shopping order.- Fantastic.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Some of the items you requested were out of stock, so there is a few substitutions.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54- Instead of plum tomatoes you've got cherry tomatoes.- No problem.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- And instead of a garlic bulb you've got garlic paste.- Fine.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02And instead of a sack of potatoes you've got Radio One's Chris Moyles.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10- All right, luv! How ya doing? You're looking a little bit rough, but I still would.- I'm sorry?
0:04:10 > 0:04:15What? Don't you like Britain's longest-serving record-breaking and number one DJ?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- I don't understand. - They try and give you the closest thing to what you've ordered.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- So you ordered a sack of potatoes... - Oh, I see. Makes sense.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26It's just I really wanted to make sausage and mash tonight.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- Well, if you fancy a mound of stodge to soak up the gravy, then... - Oi, leave it.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- OK, I'll take him.- Good decision.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- Now where are the rest of my groceries?- Got to be honest, took care of all those, luv.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Where's your lav? Raw sausages. Bad idea.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44MUSIC: Land Of Hope And Glory
0:04:48 > 0:04:51This week, I talk about the English food.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55But I no eat the English food. I am not a crazy man.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58This is a jelly.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00But it not just a jelly.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Is a jellied eels.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06They take a nice jelly and put the fish into it.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10It's a jelly fish. The Queen, she eat this.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12No wonder that she talk funny.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16But the Queen not have a jelly fish for breakfast.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18For breakfast, she have this.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21This, a "Full English."
0:05:21 > 0:05:29Bacon, sausage, tomato, mushroom, er...egg, bread, black pudding.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31All fry in a very lot of fat.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33See, they try to kill themself.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I think this quicker than the gun.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38But Fabio, hold your horse meat, you say.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40What is the black pudding?
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Is it a nice blackberry fruity pudding yum yum?
0:05:44 > 0:05:49No. Is blood. They eat the blood for breakfast.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50They vampire people.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52The Queen, she eat this.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Wayne Rooney, he eat this.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56No wonder his hair is falling out.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I'm not telling.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Well, it would have to be my telescope, my 16-inch refractor,
0:06:07 > 0:06:13and each night I look out and I observe the beauty and the majesty of the universe.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16It's amazing. But if you wanted to look at the bird that lives opposite you,
0:06:16 > 0:06:20that sleeps in the nude, you'd be better off with binoculars.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I've actually invented a lightweight raincoat
0:06:23 > 0:06:26made from a kind of llama wool, you know,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30it's called a Macca el pakka pakka Macca.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35'From the people who brought you the Jennifer Aniston romcoms, What About The Baby?'
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Honey, I think it's leaking.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40'And...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42'What About The Dog?'
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Honey, I think it's leaking.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51'Comes her new film. What About The Plumber?'
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Honey, I think it's leaking.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59OK, can we cut, please?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03I've got to tell you, mister, I can do better than this.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06OK, here's the thing.
0:07:06 > 0:07:13I am getting pretty fed-up of the same old movies and the same old lines!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I want a new challenge!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18'Now, as you've never seen her before.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22'Jennifer Aniston in What About The Mouse?'
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Honey, I think it's squeaking.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30OK, cut.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Do you think that's too much of a departure?
0:07:33 > 0:07:39'See it in cinemas or, you know, just watch the old ones on DVD, again.'
0:07:39 > 0:07:44I don't know how you dancers get so good in such a short amount of time. You all look amazing on that show.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Yeah, I know, but it's not actually us, is it?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52They use professional dancers and then put our heads on afterwards in the edit.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57That's why Russell Grant looks likes he's lost so much weight. They couldn't find a dancer big enough.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- You are kidding me, right?- No.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01And we're back in three, two..
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Welcome back to the One Show.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Coming up, Jay Rayner shows us how to prepare a three course dinner party on the cheap
0:08:09 > 0:08:11by stealing your neighbour's Ocado delivery.
0:08:11 > 0:08:18And history man Dan Snow will himself become history as we present him with his P45.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20But first, this.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Hello, I'm Ian Hislop, and welcome to Hislop's Toy Emporium.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27If you're a studious and improving child,
0:08:27 > 0:08:32then we have literally ten toys all designed by me that you would apparently enjoy. Hoorah.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37Meet Ben Ten, the fully articulating Benjamin Disraeli action figure.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Not so fast, Gladstone!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Armed with a retractable copy of the 1867 Reform Act.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Cor! Brilliant!
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Children can never get enough ecclesiastical architecture,
0:08:48 > 0:08:52so they'll love The British Book of Pop-Up Churches 1845 to 1873.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Wow, it's so neo-Romanesque!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58If you're a female type of child,
0:08:58 > 0:09:02you'll enjoy the Princess Field Marshall Montgomery playset.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03To Tobruk and beyond!
0:09:03 > 0:09:07So if you're one of those parents who thinks that children are having too much fun,
0:09:07 > 0:09:11and like to get them presents made from wood, Hislop's Toy Emporium is for you.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Allegedly.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Good evening.
0:09:15 > 0:09:21You join me as reports are coming in of a major skirmish taking place within the BBC's very own newsroom.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I'm joined by our business editor, Robert Peston.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Robert, can you update me on what's been going on?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Well, yes, Fiona, what I can tell you is that I never started it.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36It wasn't me. All this kicked off when I opened the door to my office
0:09:36 > 0:09:41and a bucket of water came down faster than the FTSE on a bad day.
0:09:41 > 0:09:47We now go over to our political editor, Nick Robison, to find out if he was the one what did it.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Nick?
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Fiona, what I can tell you is that nobody is in a position
0:09:52 > 0:09:56at present to confirm or to deny the allegations.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Sounds like a yes to me.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02Robert, I understand that shortly after the incident, a war of words broke out.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Yes, Robinson said that I talk very, very quickly
0:10:06 > 0:10:11and then very slowly because my mum was a broken tape recorder.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Fiona, what I can tell you is a lot of words were said today,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18some of which by me, many of which by Peston,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21which could indeed have provoked that outburst.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26Not least, an allegation that by rubbing my head, Peston can see into the future.
0:10:26 > 0:10:32Well, all evidence that we've seen so far would certainly point to that fact.
0:10:32 > 0:10:38And would it surprise you to know that Robinson also gave me a Chinese burn?
0:10:38 > 0:10:44Which was swiftly followed by Peston putting me in a headlock. Chilling stuff, Fiona.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47I don't want to hear any more. Do you realise in your little punch-up,
0:10:47 > 0:10:51you knocked over Huw Edward's collection of porcelain owls?
0:10:51 > 0:10:56- It was him!- I don't care. I've had enough of the two of you fighting.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00If I hear any more I'll send you both to appear on This Week with Andrew Neil without any supper.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- No, I don't want to. - Please don't do that.- No.
0:11:03 > 0:11:10Yes! Now, both of you go to apologise to Huw Edwards, then maybe he'll stop crying and come out of the lavatory.
0:11:10 > 0:11:17OK, hi, hello to all of you non-famous nobodies out there in cheap sofa land.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18All right.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20LAUGHS AS RICKY GERVAIS
0:11:20 > 0:11:21There he is. That's him.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Tall, isn't he, yeah?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27The tall guy, yeah? I like pointing that out, yeah? Fills up air time.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Totally brilliant. It's just a very astute thing to have said.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36So can you believe it, another series of An Idiot Abroad done. Finished.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Yeah? Sending Karl Plonkington off to more really exotic places.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42In the last episode, yeah...
0:11:42 > 0:11:45the Somali Pirate stunt.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Probably a little step too far.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52- Hindsight. - But whatever, move on. Fine. Done.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57Yeah? And hurrah, because we've dreamt up an even better cheap show
0:11:57 > 0:12:02on the back of my special envelope that I use to devise all my shows.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04It's called An Intellectual Abroad.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06We're sending David Dimbleby to Magaluf.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- Brilliant.- Here's another one.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10A Blind Person Abroad.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12David Blunkett... Venice.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Frosted shreddies, carrots, quilted bog roll.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Shopping list.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21Ooh. Yeah, you are right, that is actually my shopping list.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Do you know what, Sky'll probably buy that off us as well.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Genius. - We can sort of get anything on.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- An Unusually Tall Man In The Bahamas?- Anything apart from that.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- Worth a try.- No, it wasn't.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39My mobile phone.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40I'd never be without it.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I can call anyone at any time.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Look, Len Goodman.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Len!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Oh, no, he's obviously busy.
0:12:51 > 0:12:57Got a really high tech exercise machine, and if I stand on it I can reach the biscuit tin.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Brucie.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03He's probably in a meeting.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- My cube.- 'The Cube.'
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Craig!
0:13:07 > 0:13:10It's Arlene.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Ye..ye... No.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14He's gone.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Must be on a train.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Vern likes being tall, too. It means he can always reach the top shelf.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24It's the only shelf he looks at in the newsagent's.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Hello, Tess. I feel very relaxed at this unstructured group gathering.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- You mean party? - Yes, yes, that is the word.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37- I was wondering, Tess, could I be in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing?- Oh, right.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I could be the one who can't dance but who the public fall in love with.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43See? I've got no coordination whatsoever. I am worse than Ann Widdecombe.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46But people liked Anne.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I'm sorry, Gordon, but I don't think it's going to work.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Oh, don't you? Well, I could have the BBC closed down, you know.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Oh, no, I couldn't, I'm not Prime Minister any more.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Ah, there's Richard Hammond.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Richard, could I be on Total Wipeout?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05'It's week one of her new finishing school.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09'Today, Katie and her pupils are having a go at some role play.'
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Is you a footballer?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Yeah. I is.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Tick.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17So how much does you earn a week?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Hundred thousand.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Tick.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Is he married?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24No. I'm not.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Cross.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I'm sorry, I never date non-married man.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30What kind of girl do you think I am?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Better. Much better.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Hold on. Just a minute.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38What's that? I can see your panty line.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Why are you wearing panties?
0:14:40 > 0:14:47It really worries me than in Britain today there's still some girls that don't know how to talk back,
0:14:47 > 0:14:52that have never bared their breasts for a tabloid newspaper, that don't even know what a vajazzle is.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57I mean, you know, at the end of the day, what is happening to our society?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Oi!
0:15:00 > 0:15:06Trisha Claythorne, is that you cycling behind the smoking sheds?
0:15:08 > 0:15:14'Simon, the problem is the papers in the UK are saying you only care about the American X Factor now.'
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Well, that is complete and utter nonsense.
0:15:18 > 0:15:24As soon as the UK show comes back on air I will be one 100% focused on it.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26'It's been on air for months now, Simon.'
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Yeah, I knew that, and it's going great, isn't it?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32'Well, not really.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35'Some of the British public are actually missing Dannii Minogue.'
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Missing Danni Minogue.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Is that even possible?- 'I know!
0:15:40 > 0:15:44'Anyway, what we were thinking is maybe you could sort us out a new judge.'
0:15:44 > 0:15:47What, just like that?
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Have you any idea how much thought goes into choosing a new judge?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53'Sorry, Simon. It's just that..'
0:15:53 > 0:15:56No, it's all right, I'm messing with you.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00OK, Winston Churchill.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- 'But he's dead.'- OK, if you're going to be awkward about it.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12There. Mr Beavis, my old English teacher when I was 12.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I liked him. He had funny ears.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17'Well, he's got to be better than Louis Walsh.'
0:16:17 > 0:16:19My thinking exactly.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Bye.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Everybody get down. This is a robbery!- Hit the floor!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- Down! Now!- You, fill this up!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29A robbery! Thrilling.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32This is exciting. Look at your masks.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Scary! I am literally terrified.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Zip it! You... give us the money!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Look, this is real cash.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45How much have we got there?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46About a million pounds.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50You've got a million pounds. I've got the questions.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Let's play The Million Pound Drop!
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Your categories are Sport or Current Events.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09I know you know your sport, but can't put it all on you.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- Current events.- Brilliant. Teamwork.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Perfect. Here are your answers.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18The back door. The front door.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21The fire escape. The question is...
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Which door should you scarper through?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27And your minute has already started.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Tick tock. So exciting!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Brilliant!- Let's go out the back.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35They'll be expecting that. Take the fire exit.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38We can split the cash, take half each out of different doors. I don't know.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43I don't know either. So exciting! Exciiiiiitttiiinnnngg!
0:17:43 > 0:17:47All out the front.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53All in one place! You know I am so excited I could actually burst!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Bang!
0:17:56 > 0:18:02- I'm feeling confident.- Let's see if you've beaten the Million Pound Drop.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Come on.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I can't believe it!
0:18:06 > 0:18:12That is the most exciting and amazing thing I have ever seen.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15No!!!
0:18:15 > 0:18:20Oh! One minute it's there, the next it's gone.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Are you talking to me?
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Yes, you... Are you talking to me?
0:18:36 > 0:18:40It's totally confusing as I thought I was the only one here. I'll phone my PA.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Hello? Susan? Susan?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Are you...are you talking to me?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Oh, yes, quite clearly you are.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56How very terribly nice to...
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Cripes, that keeps happening.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Hello...are you talking to me?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Yes, you quite clearly are. Boris Johnson?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Yes, of course I'll hand you over. This one's for you, I think.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Oh, I have a security tag
0:19:16 > 0:19:20so they can find me if I fall down between the cracks in the pavement
0:19:20 > 0:19:22or if I'm kidnapped by mice.
0:19:22 > 0:19:27Oh, yeah, my favourite gadget is my personal side camera.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29You know the one.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Yeah, the English dictionary.
0:19:33 > 0:19:40I think it important to speak the language of the country you work in.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44So I give one to each of the England players.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55You know we live in a world of wonder,
0:19:55 > 0:20:00from its breathtaking mountains to vast oceans
0:20:00 > 0:20:05to canyons that stretch as far as the eye can see.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10But there are few places on this amazing planet of ours
0:20:10 > 0:20:13where the astounding beauty
0:20:13 > 0:20:20and the raw power of nature are clearer to see than here
0:20:20 > 0:20:23at the heart of the Kilauea Volcano.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26It's amazing to think
0:20:26 > 0:20:33that this volcano has been erupting continuously for 28 years.
0:20:33 > 0:20:39Ah! It's like looking into the core of the planet itself.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44Thousands of tonnes of raw magma.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49Over one thousand degrees centigrade.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52It's amazing.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Help! Help!
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Brian! What did we say to you about climbing into an active volcano!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06You said it would be amazing.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- No, no, no, what did we really say? - You said don't do it.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15- And what did you do?- I did it.- Yeah, you did! Right, grab onto this wire.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20We're going to winch you up. Stay still. I don't want to put too much pressure on this wire.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Well, actually, the laws of physics say that won't make any difference
0:21:23 > 0:21:25because once an object is in motion
0:21:25 > 0:21:31its combined mass is almost unaffected by the movement within.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35That's why I love the laws of physics because you can be on an aeroplane
0:21:35 > 0:21:42and if you jump up and down, that wouldn't actually make the flames any heavier.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Help.
0:21:44 > 0:21:51'It's ten in the morning and star pupil Natalie has just got back in from a night out.'
0:21:51 > 0:21:55So where were you last night, Natalie? You know you missed your pole dancing lesson.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I don't care, right, and there's nothing you can do about it.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00She's good.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Just a minute. What's this?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Oh, well, I just got my boyfriend's name tattooed on my right bap.
0:22:06 > 0:22:12- How long have you known him? - Well, I only met him down the club last night, didn't I,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15but I love him so much that it hurts.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17No, I'm over it.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22You know, she reminds me of a young me, before I had my norks done.
0:22:22 > 0:22:29Katie is like such a role model for us all, and she's so professional.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Like, she writes us reports at the end of the week and everything,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36although, obviously, she doesn't write them herself.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43'Next week on Katie's Finishing School, the course comes to an end.'
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I can't believe it.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49It's time for my first graduates to pass out.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51It makes me so proud.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55- Hold her hair back.- Bog off.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57So proud.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Have you ever wished you could think of something rude to say,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05but not been able to think of anything until it's too late?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Of course you have. You're an idiot.
0:23:07 > 0:23:13Well, now help is at hand with my new limited edition Insult Generator.
0:23:13 > 0:23:20Just say a key word into the Insult Generator, and hey presto, it generates an insult.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Plumber.
0:23:21 > 0:23:27When a sewer rat comes out of the toilet and spots you, does it scream and run away?
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Traffic warden.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34When you meet a woman, do you lie and tell her you're a serial killer?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38'Over 10,000 insults for every occasion.'
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Estate agent.
0:23:41 > 0:23:47They say in the event of a nuclear apocalypse, only cockroaches and estate agents will survive.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Poor cockroaches.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54I don't know what I'd do without my Insult Generator.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Nor do I... I think your brain cell just died of loneliness.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02'The Anne Robinson Insult Generator.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05'So simple even a two-year-old could use it.'
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Which means it'll be way beyond you.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Today, we want to talk to you about a really serious problem.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Screaming and temper tantrums.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I thought we agreed not to wash our dirty laundry in public.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I was talking about the baby.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Are you, darling? # Well, then that's fine, just get on with it. #
0:24:28 > 0:24:33It's OK, I won't let him go on too long. I know you're only here to see me.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38As I was saying, screaming and temper tantrums can be a real problem.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40But there is one simple solution.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45# We're going to put our baby to bed so he can sleep.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49# And fly off to our villa in Capri. #
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Don't go looking at me like I'm some sort of bad parent.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- I always take the monitor with me. - But the batteries are flat.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Even better.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Actually, Elton, where is the baby?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Oh, God, I think I've left him at Harvey Nicks.
0:25:09 > 0:25:15Coming up later in Countryfile, I'll be visiting a farm where time stands still.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17I'll be pony trekking in the Dales.
0:25:17 > 0:25:24And I'll be trussed up by an Orkney boatman and dragged behind his trawler as bait.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26But first, straw.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28You're watching the One Show.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Coming up later, we'll be meeting the football mascot who dresses up in a bee costume
0:25:32 > 0:25:34but is in fact allergic to bees.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36We'll be conducting a culinary experiment.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39By adding one cook to the kitchen every five minutes, we'll find out
0:25:39 > 0:25:43- exactly how many cooks it takes to spoil a broth.- We will. We will.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48We will. And we discover which city in Britain has the most people called John Smith in it.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52But first, it's over to One Show favourite Dominic Littlewood for some handy DIY advice.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54What have you got for us, Dominic?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Well, I've got with me a number of fillers
0:25:56 > 0:26:01which will all do an adequate job if it's filling that you need doing.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06OK, Dominic Ickle-Wood, say if we needed a lot of filling,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08what filler would you recommend?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Well, there are fillers and there are fillers, Chris.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14It depends on the scale of the filling you want the filler to fill.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19Now, could you give me an indication of the size of the hole that needs filling?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I imagine it's a big one. Are we talking ten minutes?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23More like 15.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25That is a lot of filling.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I've got a mate called Phil who could be here in five minutes
0:26:28 > 0:26:31with more filler and we could start filling.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35- Which filler will you be using? - Let me fill you in on the fillers.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Filling film with Phil, easy squeezy.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42Fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, lovely stuff.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47Fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, result, fill fill.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49He's such a pro.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53So, have you and Nick finally settled your differences?
0:26:53 > 0:26:59Well, yes, we have and he has promised absolutely no more childish pranks.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01FARTING NOISE
0:27:01 > 0:27:04This means war, Robinson.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12- Not so fast, Fireman Sam.- I'll get him hot, show him what I've got.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14But can he read my poker face?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Talking to you is like trying to crack the enigma code.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Forgot to breathe.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:21 > 0:27:23E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk