0:00:28 > 0:00:31COMPUTERISED VOICE: 'You have selected passport photo size.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34'Please face the front.'
0:00:35 > 0:00:36'The other front.'
0:00:37 > 0:00:42'Please relax and avoid smiling when the photo is being taken.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45'No. Please avoid smiling.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49'Please, don't do that either.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53'Look, just pull a normal face.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00'Perfect.'
0:01:00 > 0:01:05And we're joined now by our Political Editor Nick Robinson.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08So, worrying times at Number Ten, Nick.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12That's right, Fiona. Conflict in the Middle East, famine in Africa,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15pestilence and death in South America.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18But all eyes are on the building behind me
0:01:18 > 0:01:20where the Prime Minister and his new cabinet
0:01:20 > 0:01:24are facing problems of truly Biblical proportions.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27They may need a miracle. Will they get one?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Only time will tell.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Robinson! I'll get you, Robinson!
0:02:11 > 0:02:16This week, I, er, look at the Tower of London. Is a tower.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Is in London. Tower in London. Simple.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23This, er, not so simple.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26This a beefeater. But he no eat the beef.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29So what he do for a living? The pantomime?
0:02:29 > 0:02:34No. He a English soldier. I'm not joking.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Now he guard the most precious crown jewels.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Very important, er, job.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44And they give it to a crazy man. Crazy in the coconut.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Like making John Terry Captain of England.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53My best idea? Well, of course, when it started raining,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56it was me that told Noah to build the boat.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Why don't we actually bake Alaska?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Hand bags, shoulder bags.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Obvious gap in the market - elbow bags.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08A breakfast show that starts at 2pm, so I can have a lie-in.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Oh, my God! I can't believe it, I really can't.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I've like only gone and got my own drink!
0:03:13 > 0:03:17They always said I've so much energy, I should bottle it. And now I have!
0:03:17 > 0:03:19The Stacey Solomon Energy Drink! It's fizzy!
0:03:19 > 0:03:21It just keeps you going and going,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24and then, you have another sip and go and go some more.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26'It's like perfect if you need a kick
0:03:26 > 0:03:29'before delivering that super important work presentation.'
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Right, what's going to happen is three-fold profitability...
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- HE SPEAKS VERY FAST - ..it'll be fantastic!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40So, if you want to be more like Stacey Solomon,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42well, now you can with my amazing new energy drink.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45The Stacey Solomon Energy Drink! It's so bubbly!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Just like me.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57Hello and welcome to 30 Second Makeover with me, Nick Knowles.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Now, today, we are here in Leytonstone,
0:04:00 > 0:04:04where we shall be helping Denise to tart up her maisonette for sale.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- Hello, Denise.- Hi.- Say hello to our makeover team. Say hello, Nigel.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- Hello, Nigel.- Ha-ha! We have such a laugh! We really, really do.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15OK, sweetheart, off you go. Leave it to the experts, eh?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- Now, team, are you ready? - Hmm.- Yeah, all right.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Yes, we are ready. Can we have 30 seconds on the clock, please, now?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- Let the magic begin! - KLAXON BLARES
0:04:24 > 0:04:25And so straight into it there.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28The pizza box into the bin bag, the cushions re-poufed,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31a nice touch removing the clutter from the mantelpiece.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Keep going and get that dust off the TV
0:04:33 > 0:04:36and there goes the knickers discovered on the sofa.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38A bit of air freshener work going on there.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Just time for the all-important finishing touch, of course,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- the flowers on the coffee table. - KLAXON BLARES
0:04:44 > 0:04:46And there we go, um...
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Quite amazing. Can I just say, this truly, for me, has been one of
0:04:50 > 0:04:54the most amazing transformations I have ever been involved in.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Er, Denise, if we can bring in Denise here.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Prepare to be blown away, Denise. Behold your brand-new flat.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Take a look at that.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Um...
0:05:03 > 0:05:08- Denise is happy. We are happy. Nigel, a cup of tea?- Love one.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Yeah, me too. Make us one while you're at it.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Ha-ha! We have such a laugh...
0:05:16 > 0:05:20The headlines tonight. The Government said today
0:05:20 > 0:05:23it would press ahead with banking reforms including
0:05:23 > 0:05:26the mandatory wearing of clown suits for all chief executives.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30And doctors say that as little as half an hour's exercise a day
0:05:30 > 0:05:32can significantly increase your chances
0:05:32 > 0:05:36of being the most boring person to sit next to at a dinner party.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38But first this...
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Hello. If you're watching this,
0:05:40 > 0:05:44it means that, A - you've successfully negotiated
0:05:44 > 0:05:47the proverbial minefield that is the interweb.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Well done!
0:05:48 > 0:05:52And B - my new website is working.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Glad something in London is! Bwah!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57This is my Bike Safety Course.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00BELL RINGS Now, first things first. Equipment.
0:06:00 > 0:06:06What would the cycling experience be like without the trusty helmet?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08< CRASH! Much more fun!
0:06:08 > 0:06:12And, anyway, a veritable haystack of shock-absorbing hair
0:06:12 > 0:06:15probably does the job just as well. HORN TOOTS
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Pedestrian, do keep out of my way. Vermin!
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Next, when mounted upon your velocipede,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25it is of course crucial that you are spotted by other road users,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28but not spotted by the paparazzi.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31To which end, yours truly, with great perspicacity,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34came up with this ingenious solution.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39There, that should do the trick. Bwah!
0:06:39 > 0:06:44Coming through! I have right of way over civilians.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48If you see this sign, it means, "Cycle in either direction."
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- BELL RINGS - Oi, watch out!- Oiks!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55This, of course, means, "Enter at will."
0:06:55 > 0:06:58HORN TOOTS Get out of the way, peasants!
0:06:58 > 0:06:59BELL RINGS Agh!
0:06:59 > 0:07:06Finally, when on your velocipede, do try to keep your speed to a minimum.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I find it helps to be horrendously unfit and out of shape.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12HE PANTS AND COUGHS
0:07:12 > 0:07:16That's quite enough of this caper. Taxi! Taxi!
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Over here. Amuse me with some gently racist banter.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- ON RADIO: 'Wild 96 seven. - # Wild 96 seven! #
0:07:25 > 0:07:28'Wild 96 seven. Stay locked with us.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31'Later, your chance to win a drain pipe brush fashioned
0:07:31 > 0:07:34'out of British pop mogul Simon Cowell's hair.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37'Stay with us for that and the finance news
0:07:37 > 0:07:41'with our very own Leighton Buzzard right after this.'
0:07:43 > 0:07:45And speak.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50Simon, we've got a little problem with Nicole.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52OK. What is it this time?
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Her robot walk, her robot voice, her robot hair?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58We rebooted her last week.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Not that. The network have a problem with her name.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Shoozlebert.- Shinger?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- Sham-zam?- Sham-zam-zammer? - Sham-shim? Sham...?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- Shooby-doo-wop? - It's impossible to pronounce!
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Is that it?
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Well, this is why I always carry one of these.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22THEY SNEEZE
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- BOTH: Scherzinger! - I think you've got it.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33A statutory retirement age for monarchs.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35On holiday in the Galapagos Islands,
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I found a new species and named it after myself.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41It's the Mary Portas Hairy Tortoise!
0:08:41 > 0:08:46No, no, no, no, no. I don't do the ideas.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Other people do the ideas, I do the patronising.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01England is a, er, very strange place.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03They've got a big empire,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06but they have a soldier who dress up like a lady.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Is a very confuse. So I ask important man in London.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Er, maybe he help. He the King.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19This are the King. But he no have the crown.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23He have the suit made out of very lot of buttons.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I think maybe this king been hit very bad by a recession.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30But maybe he can tell us about, er, what we have seen.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Oh! I should cocoa, me old China.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Now, if I was to be a Barnaby, I'd say Adam and Eve
0:09:36 > 0:09:39that the barney you're having is cos you ain't read your Captain Cooks.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I mean, use yer loaf, son!
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Well, he make a lot more sense than the England of footballers.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Next week, I look at Stonehenge.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53It's, er... English Legoland for giants.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Coming up later, Euthanasia. Does it really save you money in the long run?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02And Phil Tufnell will be asking the question -
0:10:02 > 0:10:05"Can I get a job on a better show than this?"
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- Find out if he can. - But first, though, this.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15- MAN:- What's Jimmy Carr doing here? - WOMAN:- (I don't know.)
0:10:16 > 0:10:19And to think, he said he'd never be seen dead in brown.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21WOMAN SOBS
0:10:21 > 0:10:24At least he's gone to a better place.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27He was still living in Dagenham. SHE WAILS
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I know how you feel. I buried my mum last week.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32She was furious.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36At least he lived each day like it was his last.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Although that did mean lying in bed with terrible chest pain.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- SHE CRIES - Hasn't she been through enough?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45You're right. She has suffered enough.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I mean, she had to live with him for years.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I hope you're pleased with yourself!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Come on, if we go, he'll have no audience for his jokes.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Well, this guy,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56he loves my gags. See...
0:10:56 > 0:10:58He's corpsing.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Too soon?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH
0:11:08 > 0:11:10After six months of marriage,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Prince William and his wife Catherine
0:11:12 > 0:11:13are having their first tiff.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I'm joined by Royal Expert Sir William Digby-Bigguns.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Sir William, was this to be expected?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Well, of course, the Prince of Wales famously
0:11:23 > 0:11:28had his first marital tiff after about six minutes, so this bust-up
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- has been long anticipated. - I'm going to have to interrupt you there, Sir Digby,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35so we can go over live to the Royal residence.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40And, yes, there we have it - the unmistakable signs of a bust-up.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45And very soon, we should be witnessing the fly-past.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Yes, there it is. I can confirm some crockery is airborne.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55SLOW SCOTTISH ACCENT: We leave the wild coastal district of Ayr
0:11:55 > 0:12:00and find ourselves on the peninsula of Barrow-in-Furness.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03And a traditional English fish and chip shop.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Let's take a wee look inside.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18And I cannae believe what I'm seeing here.
0:12:18 > 0:12:24They have stolen our proud tradition of the deep-fried Mars bar.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29That is Scottish food that should be hardening Scottish arteries
0:12:29 > 0:12:33and causing complaints in Scottish intestines!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Well, I say it stops right now!
0:12:36 > 0:12:42I am liberating that deep-fried Mars bar in the name of Sir Sean Connery.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Charge!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49'I love it. It's really sweet of you, much appreciated.'
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Thank you so much. How very clever of you.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Throw this hideous piece of tat in the charity bag, David.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59It's an abomination! Don't want to look at it! Don't make me look at it!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02My Lady Gaga! We have arrived!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05David, we've got royalty at our baby party!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07TELEPHONE RINGS
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- It's, er, on your, er, right there on your, er...- Oh!
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Silly me!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Hello?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20How many times have I got to tell you?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23No! I don't want to change my gas and electricity supplier.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Hmm!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Allow me.- Thank you.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32I must say, I'm a great fan of the ridiculous headgear. I love it.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Likewise, Elton. Likewise.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40So...a little present for the little one.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50It's by a designer from Smithfields, London, England.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Oh, I love it. A meat babygro.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I love it! That is so classy, that is so inventive.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I just absolutely love it! That's truly amazing.
0:14:00 > 0:14:06# Baby Zachary, look what Aunty Lady Gaga's got brought for you!
0:14:06 > 0:14:10# A babygro that's made right out of chicken! #
0:14:11 > 0:14:13BABY CRIES
0:14:13 > 0:14:15David, hang this up in the oven.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17If he's not going to wear it, I'm going eat it.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21# Kentucky Fried babygro for dinner! #
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Oh, yeah, yeah. I like this. Great big moon post-it notes.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31So, if you get an idea at night,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34you can stick it on the moon and it'll be there in the morning.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Ooh, wait a minute. No moon in the morning.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39You might have to stick it on the sun.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42You might want to wear oven gloves for that.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46A new quiz show called Get It Right Or Die!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I worked out that my name is an anagram of
0:14:49 > 0:14:53"I fart while stag hunting" - it doesn't get better than that.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Well, a very good evening and welcome here to the impressive
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Butlin's Fun Dome for this week's edition of Question Time.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08And for our first question, I'd like to go to the lady in the middle row.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Sorry, madam, not you - the lady just a little along from you.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15The Lady in Red. No, no, not The Woman in White, The Lady In Red.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Nearly. Behind the Girl With The Pearl Earring and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22In front of The Man With The Child In His Eyes,
0:15:22 > 0:15:28between The Boy in Striped Pyjamas and The Man in the Iron Mask. If you think it's you, wave! No, no!
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Not you! Next to The Man With The Golden Gun!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Oh, my God, I can't believe how much you all like my energy drink!
0:15:36 > 0:15:39It's made me so happy that I cried and everyone was like,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42"Why are you crying?" and I was like, "It's because I'm so happy!"
0:15:42 > 0:15:44And because you all like my energy drink so much,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I've only gone and created a new flavour.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I know! It's like the most exciting flavour ever.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53So, without further delay, because I know how busy you all are.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I mean, there's just so much to do in a day and not enough time.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Like I was at my mum's and said... Oh, my God, it was hilarious!
0:15:59 > 0:16:03New Stacey Solomon! Now in Tropical Jungle flavour!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Aw. I was going to say that...
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Warning! Stacey Solomon Energy Drink will give you the energy of Stacey Solomon.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Do not consume if you plan to have a coherent conversation during the next 24 hours.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17..at least I hope they're eyeballs. SHE GIGGLES.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Yes, next to The Spy Who Loved Me.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21No, that's The Spy Who Came In From The Cold
0:16:21 > 0:16:25between The Cat In The Hat and The Cat On The Hot Tin Roof.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Just to the left of The Girl From Ipanema and The Man From Del Monte.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31No, no! Not you, madam, to your left.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Hello, and welcome to another edition of The Antiques Foodshow,
0:16:40 > 0:16:44where our experts have been making exciting finds all day.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49Well, I must say, when I first saw this box, I was very excited.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52This looks to me like the original packaging
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- for what we call in the trade a takeaway pizza.- That's correct.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- What do you think's inside? - Well, a pizza, obviously.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05And there it is! If I'm not mistaken, a classic pepperoni.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Oh, hang on, some of these pieces aren't original.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15- How can you tell?- Well, these two pieces have pineapple on.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17They may have come from a deep-pan Hawaiian.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Yeah, we did have one of them too.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23And there is some minor damage just here, and here.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- Can you tell us what happened? - I picked the pepperoni off. - Will that affect the value?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I'm afraid so. Has it been in the family a long time?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Yeah, about two weeks. I found it under the bed.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- Totally forgot it was there. It had a pair of pants stuck to it. - What a touching story.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- May I ask how much you paid for it? - Nothing. It was free, cos it was late.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Well, the good news is you haven't lost any money.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50I'd say, at a late-night auction, full of extremely hungry people,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- you might make £1 or £2. - As much as that?!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- Would you consider selling it? - Yeah. The dog licked it.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Well, fascinating stuff.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Now let's see what Delia's found in the China section.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I hear she's very excited about a chicken chow mein,
0:18:04 > 0:18:08which may date back to the Ming dynasty. Yummy.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Just next to the red, red robin who's bob-bob-bobbing along.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Yes, madam, you!
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Well, I'm sorry, that's all we have time for on Question Time this week.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Do join us next week, when we'll be live
0:18:21 > 0:18:26from the magnificently refurbished kebab shop in Bolton City Centre.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Until then, from all of us here, a very good night. Good night.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Coming up on the One Show, Clare Balding will speak to a man
0:18:36 > 0:18:40who hasn't worked for 20 years, cos he suffers from chronic laziness.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Plus Dominic Littlewood will be showing you all how to riot
0:18:43 > 0:18:47in an environmentally friendly way by using unleaded petrol bombs.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49But first, this!
0:18:56 > 0:19:00It's been three weeks since my last confession,
0:19:00 > 0:19:04and, in that time, I have sinned many times.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09STRONG LIVERPOOL ACCENT: You think you've sinned, mate? The other week there was a bloke in our road
0:19:09 > 0:19:12wearing a turquoise shell-suit! Now THAT is a sin!
0:19:12 > 0:19:16I says to him, "Hey, it's not 1988, mate!"
0:19:16 > 0:19:17So anyway, about me?
0:19:17 > 0:19:22Never mind about you. What about me? Who'd have thought it?
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Me, just an ordinary working-class lad from Liverpool.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Me, John Bishop - a bishop. It's me dream come true!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- What about my sins? - Never mind about that.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Just say four Hail Marys, a dozen Kajagoogoos
0:19:37 > 0:19:40and two Lady Gagas and you shall be all right.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Go on, soft lad, you can get on your way.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Help! My husband's inside the house! Help him!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52We'll get him out in a jiffy, love.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55If I may? What your hubby needs isn't saving from a fire,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59but from a house furnished with the factory-made and the off-the-shelf.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01You're in the way, we need to get past.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Your house might have oodles of fire, but it lacks personality.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10Something that can be remedied by a little bit of my homespun handiwork.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- My husband!- You're in the way, we need to get in there.
0:20:12 > 0:20:17Not so fast, Fireman Sam, cos Kirstie's here to the rescue.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21With a stained-glass window maker - by which I mean a girl I was at boarding school with,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24who's married to a banker so doesn't need a proper job -
0:20:24 > 0:20:29I've made you...this! What do you think?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Oh, it's lovely.- Hmm! The light coming through that will be
0:20:32 > 0:20:36sublimely beautiful giving this place the character it needs.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Help! Somebody, please help! The fire's coming into the room!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Yeah, I reckon you'll be all right with this. You don't need us.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Right, see you. Come on, lads, get that rolled up.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52See? It doesn't take much for a bit of that personal touch.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Agh!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I think he really loves it!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03'Ere! Are you tired of all those boring diets
0:21:03 > 0:21:07that make your breath smell like John McCririck's only pair of underpants?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Then it's time you tried the Alan Carr Innuendo Diet.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13The diet with plenty of sauce!
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Treat yourself to a nice juicy pear,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20and nice ripe plums,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23and some lovely fat melons!
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Ooh!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27A big fat sausage.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Ooh, sorry, love!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31A tasty bit of breast.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36And a roll in the hay.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38The Alan Carr Innuendo Diet!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Mine's a man-sized portion of rump!
0:21:46 > 0:21:50You've got your tracksuit bottoms and your tracksuit tops.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54What about a tracksuit waistcoat to go with it?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Kitchen roll should come with a few sheets of toilet roll,
0:21:57 > 0:22:02so that when you've run out of toilet roll, you don't have to use kitchen roll! Brilliant!
0:22:02 > 0:22:06I have never had an idea of any kind.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - Oh...buying all my furniture
0:22:09 > 0:22:13from a doll's house manufacturer made things a lot easier.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Over the past few years, I have visited
0:22:18 > 0:22:22some of the most dangerous and violent places on earth
0:22:22 > 0:22:25and if there's one thing that these places have in common,
0:22:25 > 0:22:26it's a sense of loss -
0:22:26 > 0:22:31loss of friends, loss of family, loss of communities.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Today, it's a feeling I share, because...
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I have lost my sunglasses.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Ross, I think they're on your... - Oi! I'll do the thinking, all right?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52They say, when you lose something, you should retrace your steps.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Now, that's fine if you've just been to the shops. It is not fine
0:22:55 > 0:22:59if you spend your time hanging around war zones.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I don't mind telling you, retracing my steps
0:23:02 > 0:23:04might be the stupidest thing I've ever done.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06And that's saying something.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08HEAVY GUNFIRE
0:23:08 > 0:23:11The last place I remember having them is here -
0:23:11 > 0:23:15the secret location during a meet with Ahmed Alfalili,
0:23:15 > 0:23:20the Taliban warlord and number two on the UN most wanted list.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22'This man rules his people
0:23:22 > 0:23:25'with a combination of fear and deadly violence.'
0:23:27 > 0:23:31'Nothing happens in these mountain towns without him knowing about it.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35'If anyone knows where my sunglasses are, it will be him.'
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Excuse me. I mean no disrespect,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42but, um, do you know where my sunglasses are?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Yes.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46'I'm now in a tricky position.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48'He's nicked my sunglasses.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51'I probably ought to just let him keep them.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55'On the other hand, if he's just found them, he may give them back.'
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Please, sir, can you tell me where they are?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Yes, of course.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03'I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there!'
0:24:08 > 0:24:12ANNOUNCER: 'Time for Weatherview now with Lorraine Kelly.'
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Hello, my wee lovelies.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Now, let's take a quick look at this afternoon's weather.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Well, I've got very good news,
0:24:19 > 0:24:23because the sun will most definitely have his hat on. Hip-hip hooray!
0:24:23 > 0:24:27And exactly what hat he'll be wearing we'll be finding out
0:24:27 > 0:24:31in our sun hat fashion special later on in the programme.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Now, tomorrow morning, we can expect to see a few clouds forming.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40Those cheeky little cosy woolly bundles of joy that they are.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43And looking forward to the afternoon, as I always do,
0:24:43 > 0:24:48there's a 50% chance of teeny, tiny little baby tears of rain.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Aw!
0:24:50 > 0:24:55But that also means, of course, that there's a 50% chance of sunshine!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I'm a cup of Horlicks half-full kind of girl. So, in summary,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02yummy, delicious, gorgeous, soft,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04ponies, kittens and puppies
0:25:04 > 0:25:08with no possibility of anything bad happening whatsoever.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Cheerio!
0:25:11 > 0:25:12OK, er, coming up on the One Show,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15we meet the man hoping to fulfil a lifetime's dream
0:25:15 > 0:25:18of appearing on the One Show by appearing on the One Show.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22And Angela Rippon will be on a quest to find the deadest dog.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Is your dog more dead than other dead dogs?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Send us a photo.- Do it, do it! It's what we want you to do.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29But first, this.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36'24 hours later and I've called in some help.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39'Max Gridsteel is a mercenary who has fought
0:25:39 > 0:25:43'in some of the most violent conflicts of the 21st century.'
0:25:43 > 0:25:44- SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:- So...
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- 50 grand to find your sunglasses? - Affirmative!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51OK.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53They're on your head.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Oh, right. 'I'm in a difficult position.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- 'But I'm a man of my word...' - Thank you very much.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04'..and he's got a gun.'
0:26:04 > 0:26:09You couldn't just sign this, so I can claim it back on expenses?
0:26:10 > 0:26:14'I could see things were about to kick off, so I got out of there!'
0:26:18 > 0:26:23You know, when I was in the Congo, I saw a woman break down in tears
0:26:23 > 0:26:29as she was reunited with the son she thought lost in the civil war.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33And today, I know exactly how she felt.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36All right, then, lads, come on, let's get out of here.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Oh, no!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Hello, Alan's Carrs!
0:26:50 > 0:26:54There's been a lot of disasters in Emmerdale, but never an earthquake.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58I'm Nancy Dell'Olio. I'm here to help.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Here's Knowlesy!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I'd rather gargle with raw sewage!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:13 > 0:27:18E-mail: subtitling@bbc.co.uk