0:00:30 > 0:00:32PHONE RINGS
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Doris, Doris, I need a drop off at the Palladium
0:00:34 > 0:00:37for the Six Pack of the Year Competition.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41He wants picking up from the gym on Hanwell Street.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43He might be running late so he may already be oiled up
0:00:43 > 0:00:45and in his Speedos.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50You know what, forget it - I've got this one covered.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Frankly, I'd rather spend the day on my own.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57If you're going to be like that, I'd rather spend the week on my own.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Why are we even bothering with this? We both know it's over.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Fine by me!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Can I help you?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06No, but I can help you.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I'm Nancy Dell'Olio.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10How can you help us?
0:01:10 > 0:01:14With the words in my head. Listen.
0:01:14 > 0:01:20What you got to do is be true to yourself
0:01:20 > 0:01:22and listen with your heart.
0:01:22 > 0:01:27It will be amazing and fantastic with emotion for you.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Not for no-one else.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Ha ha ha!
0:01:31 > 0:01:35It is a gift. To yourself. And you.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40You know, I'd never really thought about it that way.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Yeah, you've really opened my eyes.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Thank you, Nancy Dell'Olio.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47You are welcome in my head with your heart.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49She's amazing.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Yes, I am!
0:01:56 > 0:02:02I'm working on a science programme where the boffins demonstrate
0:02:02 > 0:02:06lots of exciting ways of making me explode.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09It's called Bang Goes The Theo.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Loosh Women. It's the same as Loose Women, but we're all drunk.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Well, drunker.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20It's a DIY show - we get loads of building experts in
0:02:20 > 0:02:22and they try to renovate me.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32It's time to meet our next contestant. It's Jeff from Norwich.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35What the! Hang on, you're Phillip Schofield.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Jeff, welcome to The Cube.
0:02:39 > 0:02:44- 'The Cube!' - But are you brave enough to take on the challenge?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47'Inside The Cube, Jeff will have to try and do a number two
0:02:47 > 0:02:50'while juggling three wobbly jellies
0:02:50 > 0:02:52'and balancing a bowl of custard on his head.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55'But has Jeff got the guts for it?'
0:02:55 > 0:02:56What's going on?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00So, Jeff, are you going to take on The Cube?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- 'The Cube!' - I'm not in The Cube, I'm on the loo.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04'The Cubicle!'
0:03:04 > 0:03:08He's going to do it, he's going to do battle inside the cubicle!
0:03:08 > 0:03:09'The Cubicle!'
0:03:09 > 0:03:10No, I'm not!
0:03:10 > 0:03:15Good luck, Jeff. But remember, if you fail to complete your challenge
0:03:15 > 0:03:18you won't be getting any toilet paper.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Oi! Schofield, give that back! I'm not on a game show!
0:03:23 > 0:03:24I'm on the bog!
0:03:24 > 0:03:25'The Bog!'
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Who keeps saying that?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30'Me, I'm in here. I can't flush!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33'I appear to have busted the stopcock.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35'The stopcock!'
0:03:40 > 0:03:44You. Me. Passport.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47We've only just met. You don't even speak English.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50But yes, yes, I will marry you.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Yeah, you know, if I'm honest I could never love another.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Cor. he's got nice buns. Oi, what's your name?
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Every year in Britain, hundreds of Katie Price's boyfriends
0:04:02 > 0:04:04are abandoned.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Having been at her side for literally minutes,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10these poor, frightened men crave media attention.
0:04:10 > 0:04:16Here at the National Organisation for the Rescue of Katie's Squeezes,
0:04:16 > 0:04:20we're dedicated to helping Katie Price's exes
0:04:20 > 0:04:24and giving them the celebrity attention they deserve.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28But we desperately, desperately need your support.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Just £10 a month will pay for one of these men
0:04:33 > 0:04:36to have his one barely watchable reality TV show.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Oh, I like a man in uniform. Come here, handsome!
0:04:41 > 0:04:47Since this ad began, two more hapless young men have become Katie's exs.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49They desperately need your help.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53With your help, we can make them feel special again.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Call the NORKS hotline now.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Oi, stop playing so hard to get!
0:04:58 > 0:05:02It was unbelievable. The make-up, the dresses, the tantrums.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06That's your fault for agreeing to share a dressing room with Russell Crowe.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10In three, two...
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Hey, coming up on The One Show - are video games getting more violent?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19We speak to a pensioner mugged by one earlier this week.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20And we've the amazing story
0:05:20 > 0:05:23of a man who hasn't seen his brother for 40 years
0:05:23 > 0:05:28after what some are describing as the best game of hide-and-seek ever.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29But first this.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35It was a five-bedroom period property on the market for £800,000.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39But it was far too good for them, so I sold them the dog kennel instead.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Hello, Kirstie.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Oh! Hello, Gordon.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Kirstie, I think you're very good on Location, Location.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50It's Location, Location, Location, actually.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Really? Are you quite sure?
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Yes, quite.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Fair dos. I'm not one to get into petty disputes or hold a grudge.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Anyway, Kirstie, I was wondering if you needed
0:05:59 > 0:06:02any co-presenters on your show, Location, Location.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- Location. - Well, I co-present with Phil,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08so I'm fine for co-presenters, actually.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Are you sure? Because I know an awful lot about the property market.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I stopped boom and bust. Well, boom, anyway.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16I don't think so, Gordon.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19We try to be upbeat and perky on our show, not glower
0:06:19 > 0:06:21and throw staplers at people.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Who told you that? Was it Tony?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Look, I've really got to go.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30Very well. You can keep your show. And for your information, your co-presenter is bald.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32That's right, Kirsten, bald.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37Ah, that is Ronnie Corbett. Ronnie, do you need a new comedy partner?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Just time for your Weatherview, here's Michael McIntyre.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Observe, observe. Have you ever observed how the weather forecast is always wrong?
0:06:46 > 0:06:50It's always wrong. I mean, why don't they do an honest forecast?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53This is what they should do. Like, here is tomorrow's weather.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56In the morning, there will be some outbreaks of don't know,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59don't know, don't know and don't know.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02And in the afternoon there will be some more don't know, don't know
0:07:02 > 0:07:06with a strong likelihood of look out the window, it could be anything.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09And in the meantime, in Scotland, it will be raining.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11It is always raining in Scotland, isn't it?
0:07:11 > 0:07:16I've heard ducks having conversations about how wet it is in Scotland.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19In a sort of quack quack, need a brolly, ducky brolly,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22need an umbrella.. Umbrellas - cocktail umbrellas.
0:07:22 > 0:07:27Is the sole purpose of the cocktail umbrella so the Scots can keep rainwater out of their whiskies?
0:07:27 > 0:07:28This is what they are for.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33So, in summary, I will be on tour here, and here, and here, and here
0:07:33 > 0:07:36so expect lots of walking around and walking around
0:07:36 > 0:07:38and vibrating of the hair.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40What's going on now?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Now, ladies and gentlemen, apparently,
0:07:44 > 0:07:51we are hosting the 2012 Olympiad here in the fair city of...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53London.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56And the eyes of the world shall be upon us
0:07:56 > 0:08:02for the prestigious opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07The director of which really needs no introduction.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Which is just as well as I haven't got the faintest idea who he is,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13but I'm told he's very imaginative.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18Here is a thingy on the thingy.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Press the thingy.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Hello, London.
0:08:24 > 0:08:31I'm Tim Burton, and welcome to Tim Burton's Olympic Opening Ceremony.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Much the same as any other Olympic opening ceremony, only darker,
0:08:35 > 0:08:36much darker.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41So bleak it makes my soul feel empty.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44The ceremony will showcase, you know,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47a wonderfully morbid variety of "Deathletics" events.
0:08:49 > 0:08:55Hurdles over tombstones. Relays with a severed arm.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59And 10,000 metres digging.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Straight down to hell.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06And, of course, it wouldn't be Tim Burton's Opening Ceremony
0:09:06 > 0:09:08without Johnny Depp being in it.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12So, please welcome Tim Burton's Olympic mascot, Edward Javelin-Hands!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Edward Javelin-Hands!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21He will be set on fire by the Olympic Flame
0:09:21 > 0:09:23and spin in the delirium of his pain.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28Truly, this is your most weird and pointlessly sinister work to date.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32My heart flutters like the final twitches of a dying sparrow.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Be still my scary life partner, be still.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Right, there we have it. Any questions? No.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Hello, Alan's Cars. Number 43, where have you been?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I've got one for you, Terry.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Can you call on Mrs Clay from 56 Leaden Street at midnight.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Big knock on the door, Terry, make sure she knows you're there.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Then again at 1am. Then again at 2am.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Then every hour until dawn.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03'Has she booked that many cabs?'
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- No, she hasn't booked any cabs. - 'She'll find that annoying.'
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Well, I hope she does find it annoying - serves her right
0:10:09 > 0:10:11for saying I'd put on weight. Cheeky cow!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Hello, Alan's Cars.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22Countryfile with John Craven and Kerry Katona.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Basically, we visit the countryside
0:10:24 > 0:10:27and I try to explain to her what cows are.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30And chickens. And horses.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31And everything else.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I'm doing boxing on Sky.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Not commentating, I'm fighting the Klitchsko Brothers.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Both of them. At the same time.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I'm hosting my own show where the contestants
0:10:44 > 0:10:47have to eat as much as they can in one hour.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I'm the only contestant.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53So, Paul, how was your holiday in Egypt?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Don't you talk to me about Egypt!
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Dear, oh, dear, the only pyramids I want to see from now on are the teabags.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03What a dump! Them hieroglyphics are overrated, and all.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08Women with heads of dogs. I've seen better drawings on the toilet wall in prison.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11If I want to see a dog-headed woman, I don't need to go to Egypt!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14You can have plenty of that on a hen night in Morecambe.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17And all of that bleeding sand! Honest to god, it gets in every crack.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21It's like going around wearing underpants made out of sandpaper.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22I'm red raw here!
0:11:22 > 0:11:26You can stick your Cleopatra's Needles where the sun don't shine.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I'd have more fun if I'd stopped in the departure lounge with a bottle of gin.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32So are you doing anything good for the bank holiday?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I'd rather gargle with raw sewage!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Good evening, welcome to the News at Ten.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I'm Fiona Bruce and you're not, but I won't rub it in.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I'm joined now by our political editor, Nick Robinson.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49Nick, complaints have been coming into the BBC from keen-eared viewers
0:11:49 > 0:11:54saying you have been inserting song lyrics into your reports. Is that correct?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Well, Fiona, a senior member of the little men who live
0:11:57 > 0:12:00inside my skull, working the various parts of my body,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03said to me today, in no uncertain terms,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05that this allegation
0:12:05 > 0:12:07is total nonsense. Fiona.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Well, let's take a look at footage from your recent reports.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It's been a difficult day for the Tories.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I'll get him hot, show him what I've got.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18But can he read my poker face?
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Well, Fiona, that remains to be seen.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It's been a difficult day for the Lib-Dems.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27It's not about the money, money, money,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30we don't need your money, money, money.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32But will I make the world dance?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Can we forget about the price tag?
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Well, Fiona, that remains to be seen.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40It's been a difficult day for Labour,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43but the question that remains is this.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46If I lay here, if I just lay here,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49would you lie with me, and just forget the world?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Well, Fiona, that remains to be seen.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Do you have any explanation to offer?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want,
0:12:58 > 0:13:02is to find out if people actually listen to what I say.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07Or, are my reports just a political version of the weather forecast?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11No, sorry. I didn't get any of that. Must have zoned out.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Politics, eh?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Hi, there! You know what, parenting is really hard
0:13:22 > 0:13:25but there's no harder time than during the teething process.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29What? No interruptions? No bursting into song?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I didn't want to wake them, dear.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34OK, so...
0:13:34 > 0:13:37# Wake up it's a beautiful day
0:13:37 > 0:13:41# And that's the only thing to say. #
0:13:41 > 0:13:44So, teething pains are easy to soothe.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47All you need to do is get hold of some ice.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49We get ours from Everest.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51And rub it on the baby's teeth.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52BABY CRIES
0:13:54 > 0:13:56It's OK, I'll sing him to sleep.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02# Someone saved my life tonight, sugar bear. #
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Would you rather I sang Candle in the Wind?
0:14:05 > 0:14:06CRYING
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Hello, how are you, and welcome to a very special The One Show,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16where we are celebrating our 1,000th show!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18CHEERING
0:14:22 > 0:14:24There you go, there you go.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Yes, we'll be looking back at some of the memorable moments
0:14:28 > 0:14:29from the One Show over the years.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32We sure will, we sure will, like the moment
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- when Dominic What's-his-name did something in somewhere. - Brilliant!
0:14:36 > 0:14:41And who could ever forget when Clare Thingummy did that thing, you know, with thingy.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43TV gold, total TV gold.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46And when Rav Whojamaflip was wherever he was,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48with whatever doing whatever, whoever.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Whomever, even. Fab! Don't go away!
0:14:52 > 0:14:58I'm sure I'll find it. Yeah, I'll see you in a minute. All right, bye.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02I'm Nancy Dell'Olio. I'm here to help.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I'm just a bit lost. I'm trying to find Garland Court.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Listen and I will-a tell you with-a my words.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13What you got to do is-a look inside your feel.
0:15:13 > 0:15:20Because your heart is the me. And deep down is the whole world.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23The real world in your dream. Where you live.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27There is everything. And there is you.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31And there is everybody. (LAUGHS)
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Because-a life, it is a gift to the people.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Right. So it's opposite Greggs?
0:15:39 > 0:15:45Yeah, you wanna get bus because it's miles in your dreams with your legs.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- You're amazing.- Yes, I am.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53That won't be a problem. Shall I fold the back seat down?
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Mike, I've got a multiple pick-up and delivery.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00There's a big order waiting at the Chinese on Fisher Street,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04and then you can get an extra-large pepperoni pizza from the high street
0:16:04 > 0:16:06and six bottles of wine from the offie.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08And then deliver it all to 56 Barton Road.
0:16:08 > 0:16:14- 'The office?'- Yes, I know that's the office. I'm having a party! Hello?
0:16:20 > 0:16:24I am in the Henderson household about to surprise one of them
0:16:24 > 0:16:26with a very special person.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34- Hello, it's me, Davina, off the telly!- Oh, my god.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39- Don't panic, deep breaths. Calm down.- I am calm.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44I'm talking to myself. Right, yes.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49I'm here today to reunite you with someone you haven't seen
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- for yonks and yonks and yonks. - Is it my brother?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55You see, he moved to Australia ten years ago.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58No, its better than that.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Mum? Oh, God, it's my mum, isn't it? You see, I was adopted and my mum...
0:17:02 > 0:17:07No, it's not your mum, it's your long lost son, Thomas.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Hello, Dad! What's going on?
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Wow! This is massive! A brilliant moment for you!
0:17:15 > 0:17:19- Go on then, give him a hug. - Em, Tommy lives here.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Yes and we found him upstairs doing his teeth!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25That's because I sent him up there five minutes ago.
0:17:25 > 0:17:31Exactly. Five whole minutes ago, and you haven't seen him since.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35But we found him! Brilliant! So exciting!
0:17:37 > 0:17:43No need to thank us. I know, it's emotional. There, there.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47So emotional. Brilliant! Utterly brilliant.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Back up to bed, Tommy.
0:17:52 > 0:17:57Oh, no! He's gone again. Lost, again!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59So sad. So sad!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07My next show will be after my operation.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09It's called Mary King of Shops.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14Yeah, I'm in the jungle, you know, with Tom Jones, Michael Caine,
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Stephen Fry, Helen Mirren and Madonna.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21It's called I'm A Genuine Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25It's a documentary about what's going on in my life right now.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30It's called 'What Katie Did After What Katie Did After What Katie Did Next'.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34TOP GEAR THEME PLAYED ON PIANO OVER CRACKLY RECORD
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Hello and welcome to Top Gear 1910!
0:18:42 > 0:18:44This show is all about cars.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47For those older viewers, I should explain,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50a 'car' is essentially a carriage without a horse.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- 'Tis the work of the devil! - Ignore Piltdown man.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58He felt the same way about the invention of the wheel.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02This week we got to test drive the new Model T Ford.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Here's a picture of the car in action.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09As you can see from our photograph, the car's top speed of an incredible
0:19:09 > 0:19:14six miles an hour was way too fast even for our cutting edge cameras.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16'Tis the work of the devil!
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Better top up May's whisky glass. We decided to compare
0:19:20 > 0:19:25the Model T Ford to other cars available on the market.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29But there weren't any other cars available on the market.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32So, we decided to invite a special guest
0:19:32 > 0:19:37to drive the Model T Ford as fast as he could around our test track.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Please welcome Lord Stiglington-Smythe!
0:19:41 > 0:19:42APPLAUSE
0:19:45 > 0:19:49So, Lord Stiglington-Smythe, I can reveal your lap time
0:19:49 > 0:19:56of two hours, 19 minutes and...
0:19:56 > 0:20:00We can't tell you the seconds, stopwatches aren't that accurate.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03But I can reveal that puts you top.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Fastest by a good three hours ahead of Sir Pupernickel-Higginbottom,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Sir Farquharson-Delancy-Postlethwaite
0:20:09 > 0:20:12and Bruce Forsyth.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14'Tis the work of the devil!
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Unfortunately, that's all for tonight, but join us next week
0:20:18 > 0:20:20when I'll be asking the question,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24blue cars - are they just a pipe dream?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26And we'll have a road trip special
0:20:26 > 0:20:29in which all three of us attempt to drive the Model T Ford
0:20:29 > 0:20:32from Windsor to Slough non-stop.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34'Tis the work of the devil!
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Oi! That's my line!
0:20:36 > 0:20:40And on that bombshell, thank you for watching! Goodnight.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46News just in.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50The Government has promised those communities destroyed by the riots
0:20:50 > 0:20:53that the BBC will make a drama about them at some stage.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Might have John Simm in it and that bloke from Luther. How exciting.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09Steve. I am loving you. Your location is a gift.
0:21:09 > 0:21:15It. Is. A. Gift. But your shop is a bloody disaster.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I don't even have a clue what it is you're trying to sell.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Well, it's eggs.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24How am I supposed to know that? I'm not psychic.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I just thought, you know, eggs.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31So it's an egg stall. I'll have an ostrich egg, please.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- No, no, we don't do, uh... - A Faberge egg then.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Obviously, we don't do...- A dog egg.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42- Dog egg?- My point is people don't know what you're trying to sell
0:21:42 > 0:21:45and when they do magically find out it's eggs,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- you haven't got any variety.- OK...
0:21:48 > 0:21:53What if a child buys one expecting to find a toy inside?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59No toy and you've got a crying child on your hands.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01I'll just clean that up.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- Listen, I don't think this is working out.- Do you know what,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- I've had a think. Your stall's fine. Good luck.- What? Really? Hang on,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15hang on. Where have all those eggs gone?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Some chickens turned up, said they were theirs.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Oi, what's that under your coat?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Oi, get your hands off me! My dad's a copper.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Oi!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30OK, later on The One Show, Steve Bagshaw will be talking
0:22:30 > 0:22:35all about the waterborne diseases he's contracted on his expedition to Dagenham.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And Dom Littlewood will be showing us how you can make money
0:22:38 > 0:22:42from old junk lying about the house, as he sells his grandmother on eBay.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Seriously? But first this.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48No, we're not driving you, you stink.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Mike, could you have a look in the back of your cab?
0:22:51 > 0:22:56I think someone might have left some photos. Yeah?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Have a quick look inside, Mike, check they're the right ones.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Yeah, what's it of? Oh, me in the shower?
0:23:04 > 0:23:11Yeah, that's right, they're for you. Happy birthday. Hello? Hello?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I think he's crashed.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I thought they were rather tasteful.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Hello, Alan's Cars.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Here's Knowlesy! To replace these tired old doors,
0:23:40 > 0:23:44re-plaster the walls in the dining room and generally give this hotel
0:23:44 > 0:23:47a little bit of DIY TLC.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51No, don't worry, love, the BBC's paying.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05I just wanted to drop by and say welcome to Emmerdale.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Oh there you are. I'm Zak. Didn't catch your name.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Ken. Pleasure to meet you.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Pleased to meet you. Hope you like it here. Emmerdale's a quiet place.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Nothing much happens. Well, if we don't count the fires, car crashes,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22drownings, murders, storms and explosions.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Armed robberies, suicides, sexual assaults,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28mine collapses and plane crashes. We're simple folk.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I'm sure we'll like it very much.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35- "We"?- I mean "I". I'm here all alone.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- HEAVY FOOTSTEPS ABOVE - Mouse. Big mouse.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Massive, massive mouse.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Aye, right, well, I'll leave you to it then.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Ta-ta.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51He's gone.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55ROMANTIC MUSIC
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Ken.- Patricia.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02I feel like I want to kiss you all over.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Don't be daft. That could take weeks.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I hope we didn't keep the neighbours up with all the noise.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Oh, yeah, sorry about the snoring.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14It wasn't that loud. Anyway I had my head between two pillows.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Those weren't pillows.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Oh, Patricia.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Is this madness, Ken? Maybe we shouldn't have run away.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25We could have just shacked up in Walford or Wetherfield.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30Oh, Patricia. Dear, sweet, innocent Patricia.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Maybe we should have a chat about the "innocent".
0:25:33 > 0:25:36They would never have understood our love for each other.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Frankly, I find it a bit bizarre myself.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43But we can't stay hidden in this secret love nest forever.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46We've got to go out and face the world sooner or later.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49But why, Pat, why?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50We're running out of food.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Our love will keep us full.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55They'll cut off the electricity.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Then we'll snuggle together for warmth.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00We're out of bog roll.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02You're right. We can't stay here forever.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04We've got to brave the outside world.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08You never know, maybe people won't notice us.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Pat, this is a backward farming community.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13We're bound to stick out,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16a couple of sophisticated city dwellers like ourselves.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Ah, but to help us fit in, I made these.
0:26:23 > 0:26:28Agricultural earrings! Wonderful, and surprisingly small.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31I started off with tractor tyres but they kept falling off.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35You know, it might just work. Let's go out and try it right now.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39All right, but maybe not just yet.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44There's been a lot of disasters in Emmerdale, but never an earthquake.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Let's see if we can't cause one, shall we?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Oh, Patricia!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51(GIGGLING)
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Me and Lee have set the date, and Paul,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02we were really hoping you would come to the wedding.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Oh, were you now? You're having a laugh!
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I'd rather have me prostate checked by Captain Hook.