0:00:03 > 0:00:05The day had finally come.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08We were going on our first family holiday.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Mum wanted to go to the South of France.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14But Dad, for the first time in his life, had got his own way.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17So, instead, we were going camping in Wales.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19I had to pack -
0:00:19 > 0:00:22teddy, one mug - slightly mouldy -
0:00:22 > 0:00:26lightsaber and my Slinky.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Job done. And we weren't alone.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Tim had persuaded Jenny that it would be fun to come with us
0:00:32 > 0:00:34instead of going on honeymoon on their own.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41But more importantly, someone else was coming.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43My grandmother.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44What could possibly go wrong?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49# And you can run in the sun
0:00:49 > 0:00:51# Having fun with the one
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# That you really love. #
0:00:53 > 0:00:56That's a great pack, Tony. It's a great pack.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Well, I've left a gap for your stuff there,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00in the area marked K7. All right.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03It's all in the planning, see?
0:01:03 > 0:01:06At the bottom, you want the stuff that will not yield. Right.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Camping stove, tent frame.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Then you want your suitcases, then your canvas.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12And then your bedding.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16And that, Emma, is the geology of the holiday pack.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19This is a family heirloom and, one day, it will be yours.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Nobody has suitcases in Star Wars.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I'm just saying, because when I live in the future,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I probably won't have to do all this.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29SHE SIGHS There you go. That's the last one.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Another one?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Brenda, It would have been quicker for me to strap the whole ruddy
0:01:33 > 0:01:34wardrobe to the roof!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Tony, I may have to look fabulous at a moment's notice.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Who knows? We may be invited to an al fresco mingle.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Will Grandma come to the al fresco mingle?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Not if I can help it.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45I've brought Top Trumps.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Top Trumps! I love those. Which one is it? Supercars.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I just think it's good to know what you're missing.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Hey! It's Bessie.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Last Chance Saloon, Tim.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Still time for you to whisk Jenny away to Magaluf.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59A man spending a week on his own
0:01:59 > 0:02:01with a pregnant woman he can't have sex with?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Tony, I'm not sure that's even legal. Here she comes!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Bride off on her honeymoon!
0:02:08 > 0:02:13Well! A person only goes on their honeymoon once!
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Unless you're Elizabeth Taylor.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Or Henry VIII.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Look at that, Brenda. One suitcase.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21One. Thank goodness for you, Jenny.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Any more weight and the suspension would have been done for.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26You're not worried you packed a bit lightly, Jenny?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I'll be completely honest,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I've no idea what camping is or what it involves.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Right, that's the pack finished. Let's go!
0:02:32 > 0:02:37'70S GROOVY FUNK
0:02:51 > 0:02:56MOTOR STALLS
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I thought you said you'd taken it to the garage?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02It must be the starter motor. Hang on.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I'll give it a thump.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09We could always go in our car!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Whoa, whoa. No can do.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12It's my honeymoon too, remember?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14It's kickback time. I'm off the clock.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Tony's not our chauffeur. It is their holiday as well.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Hey, Emma. Mm-hm. In Holiday Top Trumps, what comes out on top,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23family holiday or honeymoon?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Honeymoon. Basic.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28And that's the end of that debate. I accept your apology, Jenny.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30(He's actually infuriating.)
0:03:30 > 0:03:31I know.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Hey, we should have a competition.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Whoever has the best holiday wins Holiday Top Trumps.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Game on!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Right, that should've fixed it.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46MOTOR STARTS ALL: Yay!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Holiday song. You choose, Emma.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Oh, erm...
0:03:50 > 0:03:52# I am the passenger
0:03:52 > 0:03:56ALL: # And I ride and I ride.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59# La-la, la-la La-la-la-la... #
0:03:59 > 0:04:03# La-la la-la La-la-la-la... #
0:04:03 > 0:04:08I spy with my little eye something beginning with T.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Tits. Every time!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19We've got to be almost there, Tony.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I've lost all feeling in my lower limbs.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26WITH RADIO: # Last night I heard my mother singing a song
0:04:26 > 0:04:27ALL: # Ooooh, eh
0:04:27 > 0:04:29# Chirpy-chirpy, cheep-cheep... #
0:04:29 > 0:04:33I think I've started the menopause since we left.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36# Ooooh, eh Chirpy-chirpy, cheep-cheep
0:04:36 > 0:04:38# Chirpy-chirpy, cheep-cheep! #
0:04:40 > 0:04:43# And Wendy's stealing clothes from Marks Sparks
0:04:43 > 0:04:47# And Freddy's got spots from ripping off the stars... #
0:04:47 > 0:04:48So...
0:04:50 > 0:04:51You have to guess
0:04:51 > 0:04:59in what order I'm saying mints savoury or mince sweet.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Round one. Mince or mints?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09That was sweet and savoury.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12No, it was not.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Round two... Mints or mince?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Savoury then sweet? No, wrong again! Wait, wait, I'm getting
0:05:17 > 0:05:18the hang of it. Do it again.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Mince or mints? BOTH: Sweet then savoury.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Wrong again.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27# All the young dudes... # I want to hear you!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29# Carry the news. #
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Right. We're here. Brenda, jump out and get Mam.
0:05:33 > 0:05:33I can't risk stopping.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35What do you mean you can't risk stopping?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Listen to her, Brenda, something's not right.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40If I stop, she may not start again. You'll have to jump out.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I can't jump out of a moving vehicle!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Who do you think I am, the Milk Tray Man?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Can't Tim do it?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Tony's mother's never met me. Never go anywhere with strangers.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Isn't that right, Emma?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54He's right, Mum.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Jumping out of a moving vehicle, though!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58That counts towards Holiday Top Trumps.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Double points if there's blood.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02And all because the lady loves...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Oh, for goodness' sake!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Slow down!
0:06:09 > 0:06:14Put both your feet out first before you jump! Dangle, Brenda!
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Dangle! Uuuuh...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19SHE YELLS
0:06:22 > 0:06:24We shall talk about this later, Tony.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28You're in so much trouble. Yeah, I know.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32# Guess who just got back today... #
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Right. There they are. Action stations, everyone.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36I'll open the door.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Double quick! Come on, Brenda! Chop chop! Chop chop!
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Take this!
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Crikey! Careful!
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Now get Mrs K in.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Mam, this is Tim. Tim, Mam.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50This is Jenny. Hello. Hello. Hello, Mam!
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Hello, love.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Diawl, you've got this car packed tighter than a fridge at Christmas.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I had a cake made. There's tea in the pot.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59What is this, a tank?
0:06:59 > 0:07:00It's a Land Rover, Mam.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Who buys a car that can't stop?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05It's a temporary problem. OK? So come on, get in.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Leg up, leg up, come on! Leg up, Mrs K. Leg up!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09JENNY: Up! Lift your leg up!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11EMMA: Up, Mam. Oh, I'm trying!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Oh, diawl! Oh, come on. Diawl!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16MAM YELLS
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Just drive.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24OK, here we go!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27# Summer night city... #
0:07:27 > 0:07:30We're playing Holiday Top Trumps, Mrs K.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Everyone's going to see who has the best holiday, Grandma.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I want peace and quiet.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36That's my best holiday.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Where are we going again now, Anthony?
0:07:39 > 0:07:44Solva. We're going camping, Mam, remember? You know, in a tent.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Under canvas.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50Oh, like dead bodies washed up after a shipwreck.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Hope not. It's my honeymoon. And mine.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Oh? Is that right?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Brenda wouldn't let my Anthony go on a honeymoon.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Feminist!
0:08:06 > 0:08:08So you're not a feminist then, Jenny?
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Well, I am a traditional, I suppose, but Brenda says...
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Never mind what Brenda says. EVER.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17It's SO good to have you here...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19You're a good girl.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21You enjoy your honeymoon like a proper woman.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26# Well, she's all you'd ever want
0:08:26 > 0:08:28# She's the kind I'd like to flaunt
0:08:28 > 0:08:30# And take to dinner. #
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Six hours later and we were still not there.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36It was as if Wales was a land beyond the moon
0:08:36 > 0:08:39and we were going to spend the rest of our lives in the car
0:08:39 > 0:08:40trying to get there.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42It was like when Frodo went to Mordor.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Closed? That's odd.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50This is how horror films start.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52They don't set horror films in Wales.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55We're not scared of murderous psychopaths.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Most of you are related to one.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00It's probably not proper closed.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Just, you know, the owner's off for lunch or something.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Jenny's quite right. Clever girl.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Anyway, can we get out now? I really need to go.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Right, just looking for a good spot.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Never mind good spots, park up, Anthony.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Cos if this dam bursts, we'll be up to our knees in it.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Right you are.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28# And the lady is mine! #
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Here we go. We are officially...on holiday.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34ALL: Hooray!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36First family holiday ever! Hooray!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I'm on honeymoon! Yay!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40PANICKY: Now how do I get this door open?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Honeymoon. Woo!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Right, out you hop, Em.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Stretch your legs. We'll get the tents out.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Haven't moved my legs in seven hours.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58How many tents have you brought? Two, three? One.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Going to be a tight fit with all of us in there, isn't it?
0:10:01 > 0:10:02All of us?
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Did you not pack a tent, Tim? For you and Jenny?
0:10:11 > 0:10:12On your honeymoon?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I'm trying to work out how I'm going to get myself out of this.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21No. I can't do it. Tony, it's my honeymoon,
0:10:21 > 0:10:23please can I blame you? Please?!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Yes. All right, you can blame me, but tomorrow you and I...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Tony's only gone and forgotten a ruddy tent for me
0:10:29 > 0:10:32and Jenny, can you believe it? Oh, Tony! What an idiot.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Right then, let's get this tent set up.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Oh, slipped! I just slipped, you know...
0:10:46 > 0:10:49We're actually going to sleep in that? Yes, Jenny.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52This is what camping is -
0:10:52 > 0:10:54living in a field as nature intended.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58But it will be fun, right?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Because it is my honeymoon!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Yes! Yes. Great fun!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06We couldn't have asked for a lovelier view.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Dead sheep.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Terrible omen, that is.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I once knew a woman who swore blind that every time
0:11:13 > 0:11:15she saw a dead sheep, someone died.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Oh. I do hope that's not true. That would be awful.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Well.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31The fresh air is lovely, I will say that.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Ah, feel better do you, Jenny? Oh! Yes, thank you.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Quite the relief, I can tell you.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Oh, I always think it's better doing it outside.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Did I tell you, Brenda,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44that Megan Jones has got an inside toilet? Oh?
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Terrible trouble she had putting it in. The fella fixing it was deaf
0:11:48 > 0:11:49and couldn't hear a word she said.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52When she was desperate to go, shoved him out of the way,
0:11:52 > 0:11:56sat down and had a poo the size of a child's forearm.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Then she flushed the toilet. But the pipe wasn't connected!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Out shot the poo like a weasel,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03fell through a hole in the floorboards, and landed
0:12:03 > 0:12:06on the kitchen floor below where the man was having a cup of tea.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11It's nice to be outside.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I haven't had a holiday since 1947.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Well, you know, what with me being recent bereavement...
0:12:17 > 0:12:21I'm so sorry. When did your husband die, Mrs K?
0:12:21 > 0:12:2215 years ago.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Time works differently in Wales, Jenny.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28THUNDER BOOMS Right, come on everyone! Inside!
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Oh, heavens!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34THUNDER AND HEAVY RAIN
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Well, hopefully, it won't last long.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Summer shower and all that.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Oh, that's set in, that is. Be like this for days.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44It's the relentless optimism I love. Ta-dah!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49There you go. What more could we possibly need?
0:12:49 > 0:12:50What's that for?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Toilet.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Brilliant! Did you hear that, Jenny? Tony's pretending that's the toilet.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Imagine! Us, squatting over a bucket every time we...
0:13:02 > 0:13:06THEY LAUGH
0:13:06 > 0:13:11That's not the actual toilet. That's the bathroom through there, isn't it?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14No. That's the inner tent, that's where we sleep.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Is that the actual toilet, Tony?
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Yes.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Jiw, jiw!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It's my honeymoon...
0:13:30 > 0:13:31And mine!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Let's not panic.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Is there a windbreak to put round it, Tony? At the very least.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40No, it's all right, I'll just put it in the inner tent.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43SHE SIGHS IN DISGUST It's very private.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45See? All in it together.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Come on! Let's get the fun started.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Have you got any soft drinks? I'm seven months pregnant...
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Well, Tim said... For pity's sake, man!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Nothing for the little lady?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58It's like you've thought of nobody but yourself. Jenny, come on.
0:13:58 > 0:14:04Sit down. Mrs K, please, put your feet up. Oh. Thanks, Tim.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Appreciate it, Tim.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Thank you, Tim, it's very thoughtful of you.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Well, you know, it's the least I can do.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Maybe, er... Maybe I'll have one.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23# I can't stand the rain
0:14:23 > 0:14:26# Against my window
0:14:28 > 0:14:31# Bringing back sweet memories
0:14:31 > 0:14:34# Hey, window pane... #
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Well, this isn't so bad, is it?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Once the weather's passed, we'll have a great time.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44How cold do you have to be to get...hypothermia?
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Just asking...
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Here you go, Jenny, you can have my cagoule.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55PEEING
0:14:55 > 0:14:57TOOTING
0:14:57 > 0:15:01PEEING
0:15:08 > 0:15:10ZIPPER ZIPS
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Oh! I haven't been that excited since I met Max Boyce.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I need to go as well.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Every time I have a wee, I think about your cousin Edwin.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Used to work in the doctor's surgery,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26and the doctor gave him a urine sample
0:15:26 > 0:15:29and told him to test it for diabetes.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Well, he drank it. Thought he'd said, "Taste it"!
0:15:34 > 0:15:39Are all your stories like that, Mrs K? 'Yes, they are!'
0:15:39 > 0:15:41They're sort of...biblical.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I couldn't go. I got, uh, performance anxiety. You go, Tony.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I'll try and muster something later when I'm feeling more relaxed.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57You've got diabetes haven't you, Grandma? I have.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00If my pee smells of Rice Krispies, I'll not apologise.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I'd quite like it if my pee smelled like a breakfast cereal.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Weetabix.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Get it?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Wee-tabix.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Oh, come on! That's a great joke, Tim!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Stupid man joke.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Man jokes are the backbone of modern society, Jenny.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Political and economical systems would crumble without them.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26ZIPPER ZIPS Right, that's me done. Your go, Em.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33But...but... No looking, remember! We're not going to look.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36# I can't stand the rain
0:16:36 > 0:16:39# Against my window... #
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I'd never peed in a bucket before.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44But it was sort of the same shape as a toilet.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46So I could just sit on it. Right?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Oh, no!
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Everything OK in there, Emma? No! I want Mum!
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Coming!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I'm stuck!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Noo, no, no, noooo!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Oh, Em, no!
0:17:00 > 0:17:04THEY YELL
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Don't panic! Urine is an antiseptic.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Actually, I think that's just your own.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15I'm covered! This is the absolute bottom of Holiday Top Trumps!
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Don't touch me! Somebody needs to think what to do.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Well, we need to clean her down. She could go out in the rain.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Brilliant idea. Yes, you need to take these wet things off
0:17:23 > 0:17:27and run around and scrub yourself as much you can.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29THEY YELL
0:17:29 > 0:17:31EMMA WHIMPERS
0:17:31 > 0:17:32It's still warm! Oooh!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Oh, good girl, Em, focus on the positives.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37YELLS: It's not positive, Dad!
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Run!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42That's it, run! Run!
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Pretend it's sports day! Only you're covered in wee!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48That's it, scrub yourself off! Good girl!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50That's it!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Right, keep going, keep going!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56There's pee over there. And over there.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Oh, it's very, very bad.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01That's it! Right, come on! That's it! There you go! Well done!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Scrub. Scrub, scrub, scrub! That's it, keep scrubbing!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Well done, good girl. Well done, Em, well done. Well done.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10It's FREEZING!
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Get nice and warm!
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Well, it could have been worse. I could have had a shit.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30"Let's go on holiday," you said. "Yes," I said.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33"What sort of holiday would you like?" you said.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36"Oh, you know...one where I can sit in the freezing cold eating
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"pickled eggs," I said. Well, if I could get the stove
0:18:39 > 0:18:42working, I'd make us all a cup of tea, wouldn't I?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44You can't light a stove in this!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46This rain would extinguish the fires of hell!
0:18:48 > 0:18:49The wind's picking up.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Are you sure we're safe?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54You don't think we're the only ones here
0:18:54 > 0:18:57because everyone else knows something we don't, do you?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02FOREBODING MUSIC
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Look, we're all going to be fine. It'll pass over in an hour.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09This hasn't got the feel of a storm.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12There's something malevolent about it. Foul.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15It'll be fine, it's just a passing bluster.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18No, Brenda. Mrs K is right.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I feel it, too.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I don't feel safe, Tim. Do something!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Salagadoola, mechicka boola,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36bibbidi, bobbidi, boo!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42STORM RAGES
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Doesn't seem to have worked.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Ah!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50THEY YELL
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Tim, grab that pole over there!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54This tent's a death trap, Tony.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56What about those caravans over there?
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Can't you break into one, Dad?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Break into a caravan? I can't do that, Emma!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03You can if it's for life and limb, Tony!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06THEY YELL Hold on, Tim!
0:20:08 > 0:20:09The window's open on that one.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I could try and shove Emma through it, I suppose.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Like in Oliver? Yeah. Yes.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14We wouldn't be breaking in and stealing shiny trinkets,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17we'd just be borrowing. That'd be all right, wouldn't it?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Yes. Yes, it would.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Or is it burglary?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Oh, blow that! I'm eating pickled eggs in a pool of piss.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Now let's get the hell out of here!
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Right, come on!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Be safe! Go! I love you!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35BRENDA YELLS Right, here we are!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39That's it. In you go!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Come on! Ha!
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Done it! We're in! Yes! Yes! Right, come on!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50OK, go! Go, go!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Go, just get out of here! I can't hold it much longer!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56# I don't want a holiday in the sun
0:20:56 > 0:20:59# I want to go to new Belsen
0:20:59 > 0:21:02# I want to see some history... #
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Tony! Help us!
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Jenny, look, I've got the beers.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Forget the beers!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Tony! Oh, Brenda!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Save me!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Hold on!
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Argh!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Tony!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35SHE YELLS
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Tony, help me!
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Oh!
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Thank goodness you saved the beers, Tim.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Anyone would think they're the most important part of your honeymoon!
0:21:59 > 0:22:00They are, Jenny.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04It's very important to stay hydrated in survival situations.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I could kill you now. That would save that, wouldn't it?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Come on, Brenda! SHE WHIMPERS
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Stand yourself up!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Come on!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Where's Tony? ANNOYED: Brenda?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I'm not sure Brenda's going to make it.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Hope springs eternal...
0:22:27 > 0:22:30EMMA: Mum!
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Or not.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Brenda! Looks like you've dragged out from the bottom of a lake.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Mum, Mum...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Well. This is better, isn't it?
0:22:43 > 0:22:47THEY SCREAM
0:22:47 > 0:22:50It's your father, Tony! He wants to finish me off!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55The latch is broken. We have to bung it up with something.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58What about this? Yes, good job, Tim. Yes!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I'd like to know what's happening!
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Tim, get it back up there!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07It's rearing up!
0:23:07 > 0:23:11THEY SCREAM
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Abandon ship! Everybody, out!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Come on, jump!
0:23:20 > 0:23:24DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Everybody out!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Jenny! Jenny!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33I love you too, Tim!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36No. Grab the beers! I forgot them!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39No!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41TIM CRIES OUT
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Tim! Help me!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Jump for your life, Mam! Come on, jump!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Jump, Mam!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Come on, Mrs K!
0:24:08 > 0:24:12MAM WAILS
0:24:38 > 0:24:40That's the last thing I jump out of today.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44# Everywhere I go... #
0:24:44 > 0:24:47With the caravan and the tent both dead,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49we were back in Bessie, who was also dead.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53This meant we'd been trapped inside her for 18 hours.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Hello!
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Mr Kennedy?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I hear you've had a bit of bother.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Thank God you're here. We're saved, everyone.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06We're saved!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09I think it's the starter motor.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I don't suppose you've got any oxygen on your truck, have you?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Er, no, why?
0:25:18 > 0:25:22My mother-in-law has eaten several large jars of pickled eggs
0:25:22 > 0:25:23in a little under 12 hours.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I think it's burnt away a lung.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Have we got anything to make a cup of tea?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35We've got some pickled egg water or...
0:25:37 > 0:25:38The bucket.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41MAM TOOTS
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Wow. Sounds like a seal choking.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48What was that?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Right. So... Oh! Blimey...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54The AA man's going to tow us to a garage.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57He says there's a cafe nearby. We can get changed there.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Oh, good!
0:25:59 > 0:26:03What, so...so that's the end of the holiday?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05And my honeymoon.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06And mine!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08And nobody's won Top Trumps?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Well, I just assumed, you know, that...
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Well, I could put the tent up again if you like.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14ALL: No. No...
0:26:14 > 0:26:17That's the shittest day out I've ever had.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I'm sorry, Mam. It'll be better next time.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Next time, I'll bring my own cyanide capsules.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27Anthony, I am never coming away on holiday with you again.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Never.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38So there it was, our first family holiday.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41We'd almost been killed and we had to go home the next day.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42But like Mum said,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44it was always important to look on the bright side.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48At least no holiday could ever be as bad again.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Come on, defeat is not an option.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56We've got a family holiday to go on
0:26:56 > 0:27:00and you two must have a honeymoon.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02We're done for, Brenda. We nearly died!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I'm not going anywhere that involves a bucket.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Don't worry. That's the last time Tony gets to make a decision.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I'm back in charge. THEY GROAN
0:27:11 > 0:27:14And I have had a BRILLIANT idea!
0:27:15 > 0:27:16We're doomed.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# She ain't got no money
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# Her clothes are kinda funny
0:27:20 > 0:27:24# Her hair is kinda wild and free
0:27:24 > 0:27:29# Oh, love grows Where my Rosemary goes
0:27:29 > 0:27:34# And nobody knows like me
0:27:34 > 0:27:38# She talks kinda lazy And people say she's crazy
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# And her life's a mystery
0:27:41 > 0:27:44# Oh, but love grows Where my Rosemary goes... #
0:27:46 > 0:27:46It's been tough...
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Come on! Stop causing friction. We're trying to move on.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52I'm confused. Can you imagine what a three-year-old will make of this?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54We're going to be explosive.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56..and it's about to get a lot tougher.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01I want you to set up and run your own handyman business. Hard work.