0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:06Dearest Benjamin,
0:00:06 > 0:00:09I'm so pleased you're able to attend your Uncle Harvey's funeral.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11It means the world to the girls and myself to have you there.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Of course, with it being the first Monday in the month,
0:00:14 > 0:00:17I will be honouring Nude Day as usual,
0:00:17 > 0:00:19which is what I believe your Uncle Harvey would have wished.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21It's fine, Auntie Val, honestly.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23- ANNOUNCER:- We are now approaching Royston Vasey,
0:00:23 > 0:00:24where this train terminates.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26This is the end of the line.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Let me get your bag.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41GROANING
0:00:42 > 0:00:44- Y'all right, love? - I'm looking for the mayor's office.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Oh, it's just down there on your left.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49You can't miss it, it's the only one not boarded up.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Thank you.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Hey!
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Hey,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56it didn't used to be like this, you know - Vasey.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- Really?- No!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Used to be a right shit-hole.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Derek!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- Your first patient's here. - Thank you!
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Cheers!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Taking their two front teeth out, aren't we?
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Just a check-up.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02DOG BARKS
0:02:20 > 0:02:22So, is it good to be back, Benjamin,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24after all this time?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27It is, though under sad circumstances, obviously.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Do you two know each other?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Yes - Barbara was the first person I met in Royston Vasey.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34She was very friendly, as I remember it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Hey, hey, hey, hey! We'll have none of that in here!
0:02:37 > 0:02:38No hate speech.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Hate speech? I...
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Gender neutral pronouns only.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46People used to make fun of the likes of us.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Well, that's all gone now - the world's moved on.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52We are no longer a source of cheap humour and laughs.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53No.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56And this cab is a safe, friendly, mutually respectful,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and above all, tolerant space!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Of course, Barbara. What pronoun do you use?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Well, if you don't know, you can piss off out of it -
0:03:04 > 0:03:05I'm not fucking telling you!
0:03:14 > 0:03:15DOG BARKS
0:03:17 > 0:03:19CAMERA WARMS UP
0:03:19 > 0:03:20ELECTRICAL BUZZ
0:03:20 > 0:03:21SHE SCREAMS
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Hello.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Hello, there.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41And who do we have here, then?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43This is Mittens, Mr Chinnery.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Daisy's been fascinated by hedgehogs for ages.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47I see.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51So we put out some cat food and some milk in a little saucer,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53and after a few weeks...
0:03:53 > 0:03:54along came Mittens.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56What seems to be the problem?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Oh! Good heavens!
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Well...you'll have to excuse me if I look a little excited -
0:04:03 > 0:04:04this is quite an unusual disorder.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Will he die?
0:04:06 > 0:04:07No, no, no, no, no.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08It's not as dramatic as it looks.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11It's a mild condition that occasionally affects
0:04:11 > 0:04:16members of the Erinaceidae family - the spiny mammals.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- Oh, really?- Yes.
0:04:18 > 0:04:24Pockets of air can build up between the musculature and the epidermis.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Then an underlying infection causes a build-up of gas
0:04:27 > 0:04:28beneath the hedgehog's skin.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Sounds nasty.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Oh, it's nothing to worry about.
0:04:31 > 0:04:38Insertion of a small cannula will gently release the built-up air.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Mittens will be back to normal size in no time.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Don't you worry, Daisy.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Perhaps you could sing him a little song to distract him.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Put him at his ease, hmm?
0:04:48 > 0:04:53- ALL:- # Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
0:04:53 > 0:04:57# How I wonder what you are... #
0:04:57 > 0:04:58EXPLOSION
0:04:59 > 0:05:01MOTHER SCREAMS
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I can't see!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10SHE WHIMPERS
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Have you thought about getting a puppy?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27What do you mean, squatters? Them flats is coming down Wednesday.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31All right. I'll swing by later.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Where do you want us to move it to, boss?
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Oh, just bin it.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40In a couple of months' time, Royston Vasey ain't even going to exist.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Didn't there used to be a shop up here?
0:05:43 > 0:05:44No idea.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51SOFT CREAK
0:05:56 > 0:05:57They're doing what?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Apparently, the county are moving the boundary line
0:06:00 > 0:06:02to exclude Royston Vasey.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06It'll bring down crime statistics, unemployment figures,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08missing persons...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Yours are the highest on record.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Well, at least we're good at something, eh, Murray?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16So what'll happen to us?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19From what we've heard at the Chronicle,
0:06:19 > 0:06:23you're going to be incorporated into one of the bigger towns.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Like Spent or Blackbottoms.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- Do you have a comment on that? - DICTAPHONE BLEEPS
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Have you ever read the Bible, pet?
0:06:31 > 0:06:32No. No, I haven't.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33No, me neither.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36But apparently, there was a place called Sodom,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39which was full of incest, buggery and murder.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Eventually it was destroyed.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Shat on by God from a great height.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Welcome to Royston Vasey. - What do you mean?
0:06:46 > 0:06:50If they want to force us into Blackbottoms, then so be it.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52It's no skin off my fanny.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54But Bernice, they've got their own mayor.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57We'd lose our jobs, our hospitality budget,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00your free parking spot outside of Oddbins.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Fuck that.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Get some placards and paint and phone rent-a-mob.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05We're not going down without a fight.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14So, are you going anywhere nice on your holidays, Benjamin?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I've just booked for the Isle of Man, actually.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Er...Isle of what?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Er...Isle of Wight.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Racist.- Erm...just here, thank you, Barbara.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31There you go.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Thank you, Barbara. See you.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Thank you.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Barbara's gone a bit militant, hasn't she?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Yes, he has.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Your Uncle Harvey would have approved.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45He always liked to see things correctly labelled, as you know.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48A place for everything, and... everything in its place.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Yes.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52I remember.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Is the key under the mat?
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Sort of.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Oh...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Make yourself at home.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31CROAKING
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Auntie Val...are you all right?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Yes, quite all right.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Everything's perfectly in order.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Do you want me to take my shoes off?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58If you like.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Must have been quite a shock.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Harvey had been ill for some time.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07But at least I didn't have to face it alone.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- CHLOE AND RADCLYFFE: - Hello, Benjamin.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11It's nice to see you again.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13We've had no-one to play with.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- BOTH:- For years and years and years.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Oh, God.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20I'd forgotten.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- All right, lads.- All right.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Do you, er...need any DVDs?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42You what?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45DVDs! They don't know what DVDs are.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47They're like videos, but you don't have to rewind them.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49We've got all the latest ones on pirate.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52We've got Matrix, we've got Sixth Sense,
0:09:52 > 0:09:53where he turns out a ghost at the end,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- We've got Pretty Woman. - Though that is a love.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59It is a love, and not like a bluey love, more like a drama love.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Yeah, pig-shite boring, to be honest.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Nah, you're all right, mate.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04We've got some good horrors. Silence Of The Lambs.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Good killings, though it did win an Oscar.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Too much acting.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Green Mile.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Got a good death by electric, and all things coming out his eyes.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Nightmare On Elm Street, where she gets ate by her own bed...
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Classic!
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Oh, they're all, like, bare old.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21You not got any, like, modern ones or anything?
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Come here.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Did you know they've made a Terminator 2?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27There you go!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Hokey-cokey pig-in-a-pokey!
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Good morning, job-seekers!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Ooh, God, it stinks in here, can no-one smell it?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Open a window for me, will you? What's your name?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Mickey.- Thank you, Mickey, love.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45But before you do...
0:10:45 > 0:10:50I want you all to breathe in through your noses and remember that stench.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Cos that is the smell of idleness.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56It's the smell of dirty little bum cracks pumping out the gas
0:10:56 > 0:10:58from a Kwik Save No Frills pasty.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Eaten cold at four in the morning, cos time has no meaning for you.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05That is your smell, job-seekers...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07and I...
0:11:07 > 0:11:08am an aerosol.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09You can say that again.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Er...I beg your pardon?
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Did you just say something?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- No.- What's your name?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17- Ross.- Ross.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I hope I'm not going to have any problems with you.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Am I?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Not as far as I'm concerned.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26Good.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Come and sit up here at the front next to Mickey love,
0:11:28 > 0:11:30where I can keep an eye on you.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Right, the rest of you, put your hands up if you can remember
0:11:35 > 0:11:39what it was like to have to be in a certain place at a certain time.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Er...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Here...this morning?
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Yes, thank you, Mr Waddy love.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48And it gave you a sense of purpose, didn't it?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50So that's what we're going to be looking at today -
0:11:50 > 0:11:52motivation.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Mickey love, can you dish out the pens please, Pauline's pens?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00And I know exactly how many there are,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02so don't be thinking you can smuggle them out in your bottoms.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Yeah! - Be back in a sec.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24HE SIGHS
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Sorry, Mickey, I can't do this.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Ross, please, just keep going.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- I don't think it's doing any good. - It is, isn't it, doctor?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Certainly worth a try.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Patients with this form of dementia do benefit from these re-creations.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38It's called reminiscence therapy.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40But why dredge all this up?
0:12:40 > 0:12:41It was a horrible time for all of us.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42I liked it.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Pauline?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- Pauline, are you OK?- Mmm?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Are you a little bit lost?
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Yeah.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02You're in this room. Come on.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04That's it. In you go.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Here we go.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Right.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Good morning.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23My name is...
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Pauline.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Pauline...Campbell-Jones.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Have I done this bit?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34And we're all here today...
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Something to do with jobs.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Mr Gaines, perhaps it would help
0:13:41 > 0:13:43if you were to provoke Pauline a little.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Write a rude message on the board.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Why would I want to do that?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I believe the relationship between the two of you was complex.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50He bummed her!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52No, I didn't.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55It is often the extremes of emotion that trigger the frontal cortex.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00All right.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04But I don't see how anything I could do could...
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Aargh!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Piss off, Ross! You smug speck of dole scum!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10She broke my jaw!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12How's that for motivation?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15You, monkey man! I thought I told you to dish those pens out!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18What are you waiting for? I'm not stood here for your benefit!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Thanks, Ross!
0:14:21 > 0:14:22She's back! ROSS WHIMPERS
0:14:27 > 0:14:31MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Mummy, Mummy, where are you?
0:14:36 > 0:14:37'Scuse me...
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Get off!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Pulling on me!
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- ON INTERCOM:- Brian, I've got a Geoffrey Tipps for you.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Send him round, would you?
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Geoff!
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Geoff!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- BRIAN CHUCKLES - Oh!
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Hiya, Mr Morgan.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Call me Brian, for goodness' sake!
0:15:10 > 0:15:11How are you? It's been ages.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Yeah, I'm all right, yeah. How are you?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16You still having flashbacks about being stuck in that elephant?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19No, no. That's all in the past.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Therapy helped.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22How's Mike?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Yeah, he's all right, yeah. Bit stressed.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25You know Cheryl's bed-bound?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27No. I heard she got...bigger.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Oh, yeah. She's ridiculous now. She can't get out of the house!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32She's like one of them American ones, you know,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- when they wear grey tracksuits and have to take a wall out?- Really?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- Apparently, her bed's on bricks. - Christ. It's a slippery slope.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39That's what she needs!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- Hi, Brian.- Hey!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Sorry I'm late.- I was just telling him about the state of Cheryl.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- She's massive now, isn't she, Mike? - She is, yeah.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49In fact I've not got long, cos she'll need turning soon, so...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Absolutely. You've obviously got a lot on your plate.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53It's not HIS plate that's the problem.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Have you thought about a muzzle?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I understand you have an investment opportunity to share with us, Geoff.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58I do, yeah. Erm...
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- Can I use this...?- Yeah, of course.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Thanks. It's boiling in here.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10GEOFF CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Hello, Dragons.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16For the past few months, I've found myself
0:16:16 > 0:16:19at the coalface of horticultural innovation.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20He works in a garden centre.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Yeah, Wednesdays and Friday mornings.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25My idea will revolutionise in-store queries,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28and provide practical solutions to all buyers' needs.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Right.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31What is it?
0:16:31 > 0:16:36The Garden Centre Guru is a booth, or an upright sentry shed,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38you know, like the one he sleeps in in Chitty Bang Bang.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42And me, or one of my team, stand in it,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44and we answer questions as they arise.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47And what costs would the loan cover?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- Lawn?- The LOAN.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Oh, I thought you said lawn, cos of all the gardens and that. Er...
0:16:53 > 0:16:56the building of the shed, and...all the telephones.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- Telephones?- Yeah, cos each one of the Tippsters -
0:16:58 > 0:16:59they'll be called Tippsters -
0:16:59 > 0:17:03will need a mobile phone to provide all the up-to-date information.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05What, so your idea is to stand in a box in a garden centre,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- like you do all week anyway... - Wednesdays and Friday mornings.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10..and Google any questions the customers might ask you?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Well, not JUST that. Don't do it down!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14You make it sound like that's all there is to it!
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Well, what have I missed?
0:17:18 > 0:17:19The uniforms.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Cos we'll all be wearing red beefeater outfits.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24- Just thought of that now.- Geoff...
0:17:24 > 0:17:27And ice lollies, for the kids.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30But then we'll need a freezer, so, freezer, extension lead...
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Geoff, I can't.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34We've had that many foreclosures,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37every business plan has to be rigorously tried and tested.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38I'm sorry.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I said I wouldn't do this, but I'm going to get on my knees to you.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Geoff, don't.- I'm on the bones of me arse here, Brian.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45You know I haven't got a gun, don't you?
0:17:45 > 0:17:46I had to sell it.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Sorry to hear that.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I eat sandwiches from the bins at the back of Hammonds.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51It's never the good ones.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53It's always egg mayonnaise, it's horrible.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I have to go through the proper channels - my hands are tied.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58You saying you're out?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00I'm afraid so.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05'Scuse me.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11I'll do it.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Eh?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I'll make you an offer for all the money.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- But I'm going to need something in return.- Oh, here we go!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Gives with one hand, takes with the other. What is it?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24I want you to kill Cheryl for me.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29OK. When do you need it done by?
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Oh, no, I don't like to use LGBT - it's too limiting.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37What acronym do you prefer?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40The acronym I prefer is ACRONYM.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Actively Considering Reassignment Or Not Yet Made Your Mind Up.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Come on, Collier, get stuck in!
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Give it some welly!
0:18:58 > 0:18:59HE SIGHS
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Sorry, we've not met properly.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Terry Webster, head of PE.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Wolf Lipp, Queen of Duisburg.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07So what brings you back to Royston Vasey?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Oh, I just came back to...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11dig up some old friends.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12WHISTLE BLOWS
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Oh, referee!
0:19:14 > 0:19:16He's blowing for nothing!
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Really? For nothing?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Which one is she?
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Jesus Christ!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23And black is usually so slimming!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Get into him, Jonesy!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29For God's sake! The marking's shocking.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Ja, marking can be a problem.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34The trick is not to spend too much time in one area.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Stroke it around midfield a bit?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Ja, genau so.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Yeah, you might be right.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Eh, you should be doing my job!
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Ah!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45The experience of an older guy, that's all.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49So what do you reckon - give Jones another 20 minutes,
0:19:49 > 0:19:50and then pull him off?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53All right, but, er...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55don't tell the other teachers, or we might get in trouble!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Alles klar?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06My beautiful girls. Don't they make a smashing cake?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09It's lovely.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Is that marzipan?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12THEY CHUCKLE
0:20:12 > 0:20:14They're deep ones.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16They read books with jaw-cracking words.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Say something out of one of your books for Benjamin.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Our father has passed. He was great, sir.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23He had two simple rules we can state, sir.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24A toad's a fine pet...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26And please don't forget...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28BOTH: In this house we don't masturbate, sir.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Words are wonderful tools,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34The more we know, the more we are... enriched.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Yes. So, erm...
0:20:35 > 0:20:38where's the funeral? Which cemetery is it at?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41It's not in a cemetery.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Really?
0:20:43 > 0:20:47At first, Harvey wanted to be cremated,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49but he couldn't bear the idea of his reproductive
0:20:49 > 0:20:54and evacuatory regions being mingled with the remains of his own face,
0:20:54 > 0:20:58so he requested to be incinerated in two halves.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59I see.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01We even prepared separate urns.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08But we couldn't find a crematorium willing to slice him up
0:21:08 > 0:21:11and burn him in two sittings.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13So we came up with...
0:21:13 > 0:21:14another plan.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Eat up, Benjamin.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Eat up.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Ellie Johnson, Vasey Chronicle.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Is it true you're knocking this building down
0:21:44 > 0:21:47because it's right in the middle of the boundary change?
0:21:47 > 0:21:48No comment.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51DOOR CREAKS HEAVILY
0:21:57 > 0:22:01There's been reports of unusual activity here.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Lights on at night...
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Erm...graffiti on the walls in human excrement.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I thought you said unusual activity.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Can I quote you on that?
0:22:10 > 0:22:11No.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29THUNDER ROLLS
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- RADIO:- ..significant wind chill.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34It will continue to be windy and cold, with frost forming in some...
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Are you cooking Chapulshka, Dad?
0:22:36 > 0:22:37- Certainly am.- Yes!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Special occasion.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43We repaired our 10,000th phone screen today.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Wasn't this your dad's recipe?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51No.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53He never made it properly.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54This is the real thing.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Awesome!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59You never really talk about your dad.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02It's painful for your father.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06His Pop was in the Merchant Navy.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08He disappeared at sea 13 years ago...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12..and hasn't been seen since.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- RADIO:- It remains unsettled.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Well, that's the general weather,
0:23:16 > 0:23:20and now with the shipping forecast, here's Pamela Doove.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- DEMENTED VOICE:- There are warnings of gales in Viking,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25North Utsire, South Utsire.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- And you want to wear a big coat... - DOORBELL RINGS
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Who's that at this time of night?
0:23:33 > 0:23:37If it's Jehovah's, tell them not to bother. We're beyond saving.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You better get this porch light fixed.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Someone could have a nasty accident.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58THUNDER ROLLS
0:24:24 > 0:24:25BELL RINGS SOFTLY
0:24:46 > 0:24:47What IS this?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51These look like...like price tags.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Doesn't seem like squatters.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02CREAKING
0:25:02 > 0:25:03Hello?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Yes?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Is someone there?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Can I help you at all?
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Are you aware this block is due to be demolished next week?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17No! I'm not aware. I'm a woman!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Anyway, you shouldn't be in here - Monday's half-day closing -
0:25:20 > 0:25:21didn't you see the sign?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23All right, Miss, keep calm, nothing to worry about.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25This is a local shop for local people.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31There's nothing for you here.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55All is ready.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57He will return.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59And everything will be tidy again.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01BOTH: For ever and ever and ever.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10HE GROANS AND MUMBLES
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Listen, love, it isn't safe for you to be here -
0:26:13 > 0:26:14we've condemned this whole block.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17What hole? I didn't block it!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19The problem is that your flat...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21No, I'm not!
0:26:21 > 0:26:22I'm just washing my bra.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24You should have been vacated weeks ago.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Have you not had a leaflet pushed through?
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Oh, yes!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Er...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Do you mean like this?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34They are called "pizzas."
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Did you know you can eat them?
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Yes.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38My favourite is...
0:26:38 > 0:26:40meat feast.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41All right, look,
0:26:41 > 0:26:44there's obviously been a breakdown of communications somewhere,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46but we can sort it now. If I could just leave you this...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- Aargh! - TUBBS WHIMPERS
0:26:48 > 0:26:50All right! It's just a document.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Docklament?
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Document.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Ah...
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Docklament.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Docklament.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Er... Right, I'll... I'll just leave this here...
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Edward! Edward!
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Hello, hello? What's going on, what's all this shouting?
0:27:09 > 0:27:10We'll have no trouble here.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12They tried to grab my globes!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Lesbians, eh?
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Pair of clitty-cats.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19You're thinking even now about using a broom on my wife's second hole.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Try to deny it.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23No, sir, I am a representative of the council.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Local council?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Yes, and first of all, I must tell you that you and your wife
0:27:27 > 0:27:28have been squatting on this property.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30That's because the toilets are broken.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32You should be doing something about that
0:27:32 > 0:27:34rather than harassing innocent citizens.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Secondly, you should not be running a business
0:27:36 > 0:27:37from residential premises.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39She tried to block my hole!
0:27:39 > 0:27:41You come in here with your badges and forms,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43telling good local people like us
0:27:43 > 0:27:46that we can't do this and we can't do that.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Who do you think you are?
0:27:47 > 0:27:48You have no power here.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50All right, fine.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- WHISPERS:- We'll leave this one with Social Services.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Would you mind if I got a quick picture of the pair of you?
0:27:55 > 0:27:56I work at the Chronicle.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Certainly. I've always wanted to feature in the local paper.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02You heard the woman, Tubbs.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Get undressed.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08TUBBS GASPS WITH DELIGHT