0:00:02 > 0:00:04The county are moving the boundary line to exclude Royston Vasey.
0:00:04 > 0:00:08- BOTH:- Hello, Benjamin. - Oh, God. I'd forgotten.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10I want you to kill Cheryl for me.
0:00:10 > 0:00:11When do you need it done by?
0:00:15 > 0:00:18You heard the woman, Tubbs. Get undressed.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27- APPLAUSE - And the award for Best New Play goes to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Oliver Plimsolls for Harry Spotter And The Prisoner Of Acne Scar.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Thank you. Thanks.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Issue-based children's theatre has for too long been
0:00:48 > 0:00:52the fat gay red-headed stepchild of the West End family.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Which is an issue I explored in my previous play, Moobs, Lube And Ginger Pubes.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Nominated for this award last year. Didn't win. Fine. Doesn't stop it being an issue.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Who am I going to thank?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Well, I'd like to thank me, 25 years ago,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05for creating Legz Akimbo Theatre Company.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07And I want to thank all the actors that came
0:01:07 > 0:01:09and went along the way and used me as a stepping stone.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- Ollie...- You taught me that I couldn't rely on or trust anyone.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And if I wanted to be an award-winning writer, director, actor, producer...
0:01:15 > 0:01:16- Ollie...- Let me speak!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18..then I had to do it for myself, which is what I have done.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- BELL RINGS - Ollie,
0:01:20 > 0:01:21You've got your Year 9s, they're in the hall.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Sorry.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Thanks, Carole.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- FROM LOUD-HAILER: - Save Royston Vasey!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Our town is under threat.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Come to the council meeting at 2 o'clock this afternoon.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Free hot water. Tea bags can be purchased.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Keep Royston Vasey on the map,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00or burn in hell for all eternity.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Your town needs you. I need you.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13CAT MEOWS
0:02:18 > 0:02:19CAT SCREECHES
0:02:36 > 0:02:41It's time to stand up and be counted!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- CASUALLY:- Actually, forget it. It's only council scum round here. Drive on.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48WHIMPERING
0:02:48 > 0:02:53For many years we ran a shop much like this one, up on the moors.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Serving the needs of the local community.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Then people like you came along.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Upright pigs, teats down, six.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Our shop was destroyed.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07We were driven into the wild,
0:03:07 > 0:03:11walking the fields and hedgerows like beasts of burden.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13We narrowly escaped death
0:03:13 > 0:03:16when a locomotive train missed us by inches.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22And all in the name of progress.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Well, history will not be repeated!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29THEY WHIMPER
0:03:29 > 0:03:32GRUNTING
0:03:32 > 0:03:34EDWARD LAUGHS
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- I want him out, Al. - I know love.- Out!
0:03:41 > 0:03:42GRANDPOP GASPS
0:03:42 > 0:03:47That is when I fought off all the Somali pirates single handed.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48They were like savages. Troglodytes.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Really?
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Somehow I managed to scramble my way to a desert island.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58There I make a good life for myself. Like the animals in Madagascar.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02But I miss you all very much.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Very much indeed.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11And I understand why my boy Al tell everyone I am dead.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Is too much for him to have hope in his heart.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17He always soppy. More like a girl than a boy.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- You know, he used to wear tiny little pants.- Pop.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25I offer him my old long johns, underwear for a man,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28but no, he say, "I want to wear little tiny briefs like the other boys."
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Like little knickers.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31So, how long are you staying?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Just a few days or months.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Until I am back on my feet.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40And how nice it will be!
0:04:40 > 0:04:42My son has two beautiful daughters.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Grandpop has been away for too long.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50You look very well, Grandpop.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52You'd think you'd lose weight on a desert island.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54There was a lot of coconuts.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Cheers!
0:05:05 > 0:05:07PHONE RINGS Hello?
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Yeah, Geoff, it's me.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Who? I don't know how to put names in my phone.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Mike!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Are you all set up for tonight?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16What about?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17What we said! Cheryl!
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Yes, I'm dealing with it, don't worry.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24I'm a professional. I was in the SAS for six years.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25What, you mean the TAs?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Same thing, it's all just putting green on your face, isn't it?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29You will do it...
0:05:31 > 0:05:33..humanely, won't you?
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Of course!
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Now, will you let me get on with it, please? I'd appreciate a bit of trust.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Excuse me, would this kill a fat woman tonight?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52How are we doing, all right?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Who wants to win a bit of money?
0:05:59 > 0:06:00HE WINCES
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Right, you all got your dabbers?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Eyes down for a full house.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12BINGO MACHINE ZAPS Key of the door - 21.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16ZAP Gandhi's breakfast - 80.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18ZAP Two fat ladies - 88.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22My friend Cream wouldn't approve of that.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Funny name, I know. He were a Thai lad.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28He said I were... What d'ya call it? Unreconstructed.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Set in me ways. I said, "Of course I am!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35"70-odd with an angry prostate and me waterworks shot, what do you expect?"
0:06:37 > 0:06:39ZAP Out in the sticks - 86.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44ZAP Duck and dive - 25!
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Udon Thani. That's where we met. Thailand.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Sweltering, it were. Like Tenko.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56I'd not... Never had anyone close, like.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Not properly.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02ZAP Never been kissed - 26.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Had a bit of money, though, after Dad went, so I thought, "Why not?"
0:07:07 > 0:07:09You hear about these fellas, don't you?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Going out to foreign climes, coming back with...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15ZAP Dirty Gertie - number 30!
0:07:15 > 0:07:20I suppose I've always known I fancied something a bit different.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21A bit extra.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23A bit...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25ZAP Danny La Rue - 52.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31There were a bar. Naki-Naki-Nak-Naks.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34All coloured light bulbs, like Peasholm Park.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36But without the miniature sea battles.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39All these lads done up as lasses.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Amazing. Really quite beautiful.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Titties with tassels and everything.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Some of them doing things what it's not nice to talk about.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Cracking open beer bottles with their whatsits.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54The ones that have, you know, had the op.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Firing ping-pong balls, some of them.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Reminded me of the old bingo balls, in a funny way, but...
0:08:04 > 0:08:05..I kept me eyes down.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11And suddenly, there he is.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Cream.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16ZAP Me and you - number 2?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20ZAP Cup of tea - number 3.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I didn't think he were that bothered,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26but when I got back to my hotel room...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29ZAP Knock at the door - 24!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32..turns out he'd followed me back. Cream.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36ZAP Legs - 11.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Legs... 11.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Next morning...
0:08:44 > 0:08:45ZAP Rise and shine - 29!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I asked him to come back. To live with me, back here.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53And he said yes.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55And you know what, for a bit...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57ZAP Tickety-boo - 62.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01ZAP Man alive - number 5.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Then one day Cream said he wanted to go the whole hog.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10You know, have it off - his whatsit.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15ZAP Doctor's orders - number 9.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20He wanted to be what he called "a proper wife" to me.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24So, in he went.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Then he took bad.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I don't see why they can't keep hospitals clean.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Never used to be a problem.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39My Auntie Sheila was feared like Himmler on her ward.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Suddenly, one afternoon...
0:09:45 > 0:09:50ZAP Heaven's gate - 78.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56On its own...
0:10:00 > 0:10:01On its own...
0:10:02 > 0:10:04..number one.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06ZAP
0:10:09 > 0:10:12PUPILS CHATTER
0:10:14 > 0:10:17OK, Year 9, settle down.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Now, today we are going to be looking at Commedia dell'Arte,
0:10:20 > 0:10:22so I want everyone find a partner.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Sir, didn't you used to be an actor?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- What's that, Jamilla? - Before you were a teacher,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I swear you used to have a theatre company or something?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Er, yeah. Back in the mists of time, I did.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37There were three of us - me, Dave, Phil...
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Phil Proctor?! - Yes, Phil Proctor off the telly.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44We used to visit schools like this and meet kids like you,
0:10:44 > 0:10:48and perform issue-based plays on stages like this...
0:10:48 > 0:10:50PUPILS CHEER
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Wh...?
0:10:55 > 0:10:56What's going on?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Ask this lot.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I got a fan letter from one of your students saying
0:11:00 > 0:11:02that their favourite teacher was about to retire,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05could we come and do a special performance.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07So, here we are!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Go on, sir!- What? - We want to see you acting!
0:11:10 > 0:11:14ALL CHANT: Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Come on!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Sod it.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22CHEERING AND WHOOPING
0:11:23 > 0:11:25So, what are we going to do?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Well, we thought we'd do one of your best, Ollie.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Perve Swerve - a play about stranger-danger.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32But it's been so long, I need time to prepare.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I'm ready. CHEERING
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Soon you'll be free, death will end
0:11:40 > 0:11:42We'll pull you back through the great U-bend
0:11:42 > 0:11:45The dead can't hoover, can't sweep a brush
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Or refill a cistern with bright blue flush...
0:11:50 > 0:11:51What...?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55What am I doing down here. Why...?
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Why am I so sleepy?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59The cake you ate last night was laced with
0:11:59 > 0:12:02an extract from the skin of this toad.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- SISTERS:- Bufo Alvarius.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06It has a psychotropic effect.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Your consciousness must be fluid for what is to follow.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12What do you mean?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Uncle Harvey!
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I thought...he was dead.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26A living death.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Preserved at the point of the soul's departure.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33His every bodily fluid replaced with an embalming tincture of his own devising.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37I can't tell you how happy he was, knowing that he was finally
0:12:37 > 0:12:40going to be free of the curse of his own semen.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43But why?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- SISTERS:- His body might have failed, but he need not.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50We need only a host, Benjamin, and Harvey's soul can live on.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53A host?
0:12:53 > 0:12:54A willing vessel.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56A member of the family.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57An ancient ceremony.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59The girls do love their books.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10What...what are they doing?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13TOAD CROAKS
0:13:13 > 0:13:15No!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17No! Ah!
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Let us begin.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21HE GAGS
0:13:24 > 0:13:26HE CHOKES
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Now, tensions are going to be running high,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34so it's important to strike the right tone.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Don't teach your grandmother how to suck cocks, Murray.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38I'm very good with big crowds.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41On Black Friday I elbowed this lass in the throat,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43got myself a 50-inch Samsung.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44This town's future hangs in the balance.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48There's nothing people care more passionately about than their own community.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52You were saying?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Come on.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Map.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15SHE GASPS IN DELIGHT
0:14:15 > 0:14:17SHE GIGGLES
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Ooh!
0:14:26 > 0:14:30SHE GASPS What are you doing?! Come out of there!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34If my husband sees you, I...
0:14:36 > 0:14:38SHE SCREAMS
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Edward, Edward!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I've been catched in the tephelome!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Let me out!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Look, Edward!
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Quiet, Tubbs! I'm teaching the No-Tails a lesson.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Our business is our business.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58We keep our noses out of other people's affairs.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01We would invite you to extend us the same courtesy...
0:15:06 > 0:15:08'Time to become local.'
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Jesus. Where did you get this from?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12'That's better!'
0:15:12 > 0:15:15One of the hostages. Works for the Chronicle. It came from her phone.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18'We will not be defeated by your petty meddling.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21'This is a local shop for local people!
0:15:21 > 0:15:25'It's time we took back control!'
0:15:25 > 0:15:28And I'm making an executive decision. We need to get a crew down there now.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30'What are you doing? Turn that off.'
0:15:32 > 0:15:34CHEERING
0:15:34 > 0:15:36SLOW RAP BEAT
0:15:36 > 0:15:39# Hi, my name is Johnny Smith
0:15:39 > 0:15:41# I'm just 14 And I'm strutting my stuff
0:15:41 > 0:15:44# I like to rap I don't like school
0:15:44 > 0:15:47# Too many teachers Too many rules.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- # My dad and mum say... - Stay out of the park!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52# Especially at night When it's getting dark
0:15:52 > 0:15:54# But I don't care Respect I lack
0:15:54 > 0:15:57# It's light anyway Cos the clocks have gone back
0:15:57 > 0:15:59# I'll ignore their warning Cos that's my style
0:15:59 > 0:16:03- # I've never even heard of a... - Paedophile! #
0:16:08 > 0:16:09QUIETLY: Step over it. Right...
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Double maths today. Boring! What's that noise...?
0:16:17 > 0:16:22'Ere, little boy. Why don't you come back to my house?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26I got the latest PlayStation game all set up.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Cool! You got a spare joystick?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Yes. And you can play with it.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35I'm not sure. Mum said not to. Oh, choices, choices.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- STILTED CHUCKLE - I feel like I'm on some sort of TV game show!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Hi, there!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Hi, there! My name's Cheesy Host,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48and welcome to another edition of Safe Choices.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Johnny Smith, your time starts now.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51QUIETLY: Over there.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Question one - do you know the man you are about to go off with?
0:16:56 > 0:16:57- No.- Correct.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Does he have any identification, such as a current utility bill?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00- No!- Correct.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Is he wearing nice shoes or other signs he isn't a deviant?
0:17:03 > 0:17:04- No!- Correct.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06And here's your big money choice. Take your time.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Do you want to go off with the stranger,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10or stay safe in the studio? It's up to you.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I'll stay safe, innit?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Is the correct answer! What's he won, Susie?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20He's won a lifetime's supply of common sense!
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Would you like to come back to my dressing room
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- and I'll give you an autograph. - Yes, please!
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Stop!
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Just because he's well dressed and plausible doesn't mean to say he isn't a dangerous predator also.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Come with me, son, I'll take you home.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Thanks, Dad. I'll try and make better choices in future.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Stop!
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Didn't you know that 75% of all sexual predators are family members?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Oh, no! Rewind!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46ALL MIMIC REWINDING NOISES
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- SLOW RAP BEAT - # I won't go with the man In the dirty mac
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Or the man in the suit With his hair slicked back
0:17:54 > 0:17:56# Put a lock on your door So your dad can't get in
0:17:56 > 0:17:58# Is your grandad's coming round? I wouldn't trust him
0:17:58 > 0:18:01# If you want to stay safe And have a bright future
0:18:01 > 0:18:03# Make friends in a chatroom On a computer. #
0:18:03 > 0:18:05ALL: Boom!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:10 > 0:18:14CHANTING: Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!
0:18:14 > 0:18:15God, I've missed this.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Why don't we get back on the road again? Reform Legz Akimbo.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- What do you mean? - Think about it.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22There are so many new issues to do plays about now.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Exactly! And I've never stopped writing them!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Suck It And See - a play about revenge porn. Slit Face - a play about burqas.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30It's all there, ready to roll out. It's what I've been waiting for!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Ollie...- All these years, wasted in this dead end job.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- Ollie...- It's like I've finally woken up.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Oh, hang on.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40This is still a dream, isn't it?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- DISTANT VOICE:- Ollie!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Oh, no. BELL RINGS
0:18:49 > 0:18:51You've got your Year 9s. They're in the hall.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Sorry.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Thanks, Carole.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00PUPILS CHATTER
0:19:15 > 0:19:16OK, Year 9, settle down.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Fuck off, you sad wanker!
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Great.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- All right, Geoff? - All right?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- See you down Palatine later? - Yeah, maybe.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Fuck's sake.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Oof!
0:21:26 > 0:21:27HE MUTTERS: Matter with it?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- KNOCK AT WINDOW - Geoff!- Shit.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Just wondering if you want me to get you that pint in?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Nah, you're all right, Eddie. - Sure?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Yeah. - See you later, then.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51See you later.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28DOOR CREAKS
0:22:30 > 0:22:32HE WHISPERS: WD-40 on that.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42So, when did you get released, then, Pop?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I get time off for good behaviour.
0:22:45 > 0:22:4821 years. Ridiculous! For a lousy pyramid scheme.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50You killed a man with your bare hands.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Yeah - for not paying what he owed under the pyramid scheme.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55What do you want here?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I need you to tell me where Richie is.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- No.- I know what he is doing.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07It was 15 years ago, let it go, Pop.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09He is still my son.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11I won't do it!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- Good night, Grandpop. - Good night, Grandpop.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Hey, girls, I almost forgot. I got presents for the both of yous.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22HE CHUCKLES
0:23:22 > 0:23:24And for you, Maisie...
0:23:24 > 0:23:25See?
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Beautiful!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Perhaps tomorrow you would like me to take you swimming, eh?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Unless of course your daddy has other plans for me?
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Good.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Come inside, it's cold.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Who wants to get some piercings done, eh?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- HE CHUCKLES - Grandpop will pay.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Are you watching your cats?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01No, some nutters have taken hostages, apparently.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06'The couple who are holding them are a local couple...'
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Eh, look at them - bloody rubber-neckers.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Where were they this afternoon when we needed them?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13But they're there now, Murray.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16They're there now.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18A gift from God.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Geoff?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30The purple mongoose has vacated its habitat.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31What?
0:24:32 > 0:24:36The...hippopotamus is...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38dead. She's dead, I've smothered her.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Oh, God.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Did she suffer?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Well, as much as anyone does if they're being murdered.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46It wasn't murder!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50It was a mercy killing.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- She had no life. - Yeah, you explained all that.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56She won't suffer any more, and neither will you.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Thank you, Geoff. And it will look like natural causes?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02No, I left the cushion stuffed in her mouth!
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Credit me with some sense, Mike. I'm not an idiot.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Sorry.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I have to say, though, she didn't seem as big as you made out.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10What do you mean?
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Well, I felt a bit bad. I mean, she was only what I'd call plump.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17She could have easily got up and down them stairs if she'd wanted to.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19What stairs, we live in a bungalow!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Eh?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Geoff, you do know we moved four years ago?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Yeah, you see, what's happened here is,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I've gone to the wrong house.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34I sent you an e-mail!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Well, I can't open them, can I? I've only got Windows '95!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Geoff, what have you done?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43You know who we sold that house to, don't you?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45No, who?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Pauline, I'm home!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Pauline!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Pauline?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Pauline!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Pauline!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- HE WHIMPERS:- Pauline!
0:26:44 > 0:26:48The citizens of Royston Vasey do care about their town, passionately.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51And when pushed too far they will resort to extreme measures,
0:26:51 > 0:26:55like that film about the girl who couldn't afford Tampax. What was it, Murray?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- I, Daniel Blake. - I, Daniel Blake, exactly.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Look, Edward!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02We oppose these boundary changes
0:27:02 > 0:27:05and we demand action, don't we, folks?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07ALL: Yeah! Action!
0:27:07 > 0:27:08- QUIETLY:- Fucking sheep.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10TUBBS: They must have heard there's a sale on.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- We pass you to him. - We pass him to you.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- We pass you to him. - We pass him to you.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25This is madness.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Madness!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- We pass you to him. - We pass him to you.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- We pass you to him. - We pass him to you.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- We pass you to him. - We pass him to you.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35No.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36No!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44HE GASPS
0:27:44 > 0:27:45We pass him...
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Benjamin?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57HE GASPS
0:27:57 > 0:28:00- AS HARVEY:- In this house, we don't die.