0:00:02 > 0:00:06"Dear Benjamin, we are so glad you are coming to stay with us,
0:00:06 > 0:00:08"if only for the night.
0:00:08 > 0:00:12"I hope that you and your friend enjoy your hiking holiday,
0:00:12 > 0:00:16"and don't find our little town too boring.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18"We have never been camping,
0:00:18 > 0:00:22"as Uncle Harvey does not get on with chemical toilets..."
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Excuse me! Do you mind? This is private.
0:00:25 > 0:00:31'We are now approaching Royston Vasey. Royston Vasey, next stop.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34'This is the end of the line.'
0:00:38 > 0:00:41THE WIND HOWLS
0:01:12 > 0:01:16GRUFF MALE VOICE: Where to, pal?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Swan Mills estate, please. Righto.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- Are you here for work or pleasure? - Pleasure.
0:01:25 > 0:01:31- I'm staying with relatives, and going hiking.- Swan Mills is nice.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Lovely shops.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It's where I get my dresses from.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42The good thing is, they know me there now.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46- I couldn't go into Dorothy Perkins once me bust started showing.- Oh.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51I've only been on the hormones 18 months.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Me nipples are like bullets.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Morning, Doctor Chinnery!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Morning, Barbara.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04'Thank you for posting a letter inside me.'
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Sorry, lads.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Morning, Mrs Dyson!
0:02:55 > 0:02:58THE WIND HOWLS
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Yes?
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Oh! I-I'm sorry. Are you open?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Yes.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Can I help you at all?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Oh, no, thanks. I'm just...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42just looking.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I haven't seen you before.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55- Are you a local?- No, I'm meeting a friend. Going hiking.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Cheerio.- Can I help you at all?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- Well, how much is this...?- AAARGH!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- What are you doing?!- Sorry.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Don't touch the things!
0:04:10 > 0:04:15- It's a local shop for local people. There's nothing for you.- I can pay.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Keep your hands where I can see them.
0:04:17 > 0:04:23I have a husband, you know. He's up the stairs. He'll hear everything.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27If you were to come here and touch them...
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- No...- Edward! Edward!- Hello, hello.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39He was stealing from the shop.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Who is he? Is his identity known?
0:04:41 > 0:04:47- He's not local.- Look here, we're very proud of our town.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51This is a decent town. We'll have no trouble here.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- He asked me to open the till.- No!
0:04:54 > 0:04:59He has a plan. He covets the precious things of the shop.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04Oh, tea-leaf, eh? You people are all alike.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07You march in here, young,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09try and touch the local things.
0:05:09 > 0:05:15I suppose you'll be spraying me with one of those cans of paint,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18smearing poor Tubbs with excrement.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23I've got your number, fella.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- He tried to see under my clothes. - Pervert, eh?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Got...sex on the brain.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Wet the bed, I'll bet, as a boy.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35No sisters.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I used to be in a war.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43I put paid to quite a few like you. This is a decent town, a local shop.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48- There's nothing for you here.- Tell him I can't have babies, anyway.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Tell him my insides are all wrong.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Devil! Go on, then.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Take the precious things of the shop, burn down our home,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01rape our dead mouths!
0:06:01 > 0:06:05So long as I don't have to listen to any more
0:06:05 > 0:06:06- of your disgusting babble.- LOOK!
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I'm sorry if I've upset either of you.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17I just wanted to browse in your bloody shop.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21If you don't mind, I'll just leave quietly.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28You...heard the man, Tubbs.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Get undressed.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43Yeah, it's quite a straightforward operation, really.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Basically, they split the penis in two, and invert it,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50using the membrane to form a sort of...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Hokey, cokey, pig-in-a-pokey!
0:06:59 > 0:07:05Hello, gents. Half past nine, time for men with jobs to go to work.
0:07:05 > 0:07:10Other men stay in bed till dinner-time, watching Tots TV,
0:07:10 > 0:07:12thinking how worthless and pathetic they are.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Good morning, job-seekers.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Now, we were thinking yesterday about jobs.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Do you remember? What did we conclude?
0:07:25 > 0:07:29There aren't any.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33No, Ross, we concluded that there are so many jobs out there,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36we need to know what our options are.
0:07:36 > 0:07:42So, today we're going to have a little brainstorming session.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Don't worry, love. It doesn't hurt.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50First up, who can tell me what this is?
0:07:53 > 0:07:58- It's a pen. - Yes, Ross, one of Pauline's pens.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Me and Mr Pen are going for a walk,
0:08:01 > 0:08:04down the high street,
0:08:04 > 0:08:09- where we'll see people doing lots of jobs.- Not OUR high street, then.
0:08:09 > 0:08:15Look, there's Mr Pastry. What do you think his job could be, gents?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- Baker.- Yes, good - baker.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23So I'm going to write that up on the board - "baker" - and then...
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Oh, look who's over there. It's Mr...
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Cabbages. And his job is...?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Fireman!
0:08:32 > 0:08:37No, Mickey, love. He is a greengrocer.
0:08:37 > 0:08:42But his good friend is Mr Flames, and he IS a...?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Greengrocer.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- No.- Fireman.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Good. Come on, gents. Shout more jobs out.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Fireman!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56We've got that one, Mickey.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Newsagent.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04- Good. Newsagent. - Policeman, carpet fitter.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- Yes, that is a job. - Doctor, vet, tennis player.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- Football player. - Just a minute, gents.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Fireman! - Window cleaner, gardener, architect.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- Slow down.- Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy, butcher, baker,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- candlestick maker.- Now...
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Fisherman, builder, labourer. - All right, clever dick!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28That's enough, now.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Astronaut.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Piss off!
0:09:33 > 0:09:39You can shout out as many jobs as you like, Ross.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41You're never going to bloody get one, you dole-scum!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Can you think of a job, Mickey?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Yeah.
0:09:58 > 0:10:04Aww! You see, Ross? This poor bastard can't even spell "job", but at least he tries.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07J...O...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10What's this?
0:10:10 > 0:10:16"Dear Mr Mickey, we would like you to come in for an interview this afternoon."
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Brilliant, Mickey. What's it for?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Fireman!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27It's not so bad once you've been shaved and marked up with lipstick.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Of course, they won't know about lubrication till they open me up.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46- Hello, Auntie Val.- Benjamin. Come inside. Quickly, quickly.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- Through here, Benjamin. - Thank you, Auntie Val.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57- Very kind of you to let me stay. - I was saying to your Uncle Harvey,
0:10:57 > 0:11:01we don't see enough of your side of the family.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Now, we want you to relax,
0:11:04 > 0:11:08and treat this place like your own home.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13- I am only staying one night.- I know. - I have to meet Martin.- Absolutely.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Oh.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18What is it?
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Just a little thing. Could you leave your shoes in the front porch?
0:11:22 > 0:11:28- Oh...- Who's left muddy footprints all over the carpet?- Sorry. It's me.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Ah, Benjamin.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35In this house, we leave our shoes in the front porch, underneath the barometer.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Sorry about that.
0:11:37 > 0:11:43I was explaining that we want Benjamin to treat this place like his own home.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Of course, of course.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Take your shoes off.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56This way.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Good.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- We thought...- Not there! There.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Left a bit.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10And the right one closer to the left.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13That'll do.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18We thought you'd be happiest down here on the sofa-bed.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19You'll have your own shower and WC.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Into which we don't pass solids.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30- And you won't have the girls running in and out.- That sounds great.
0:12:30 > 0:12:36I'm inconvenienced, as this is my study. I'll stay late at the office.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37- If it's any trouble...- No!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41It's fine.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47There are one or two things I have to explain
0:12:47 > 0:12:50so you'll feel absolutely at home.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- The keys.- Oh, right.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Now, they're all colour-coded, so it shouldn't take you too long.
0:13:02 > 0:13:08- Geoff, there won't be any work if they don't get a move on with this bloody road.- Eh?
0:13:08 > 0:13:14- We're dying on our arses.- Brian, we've only got an hour for dinner!
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- God, he's bloody deaf. - You know what they say.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- What?- Hmfmph.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- Eh?- Hmfmfmph.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28- I can't hear you. - I said, "Bummers are deaf."
0:13:28 > 0:13:33- Oh, yeah. It's a good one that, isn't it?- I fell for it, and all.
0:13:33 > 0:13:39- Sorry, lads. Getting that table for tonight. - Brian, you know what they say.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- What?- Bummers are deaf.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47- What do you mean?- Well, they're deaf, aren't they? Bummers are deaf.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51I don't know what you're on about, Geoff.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Well, I don't...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Mike said it.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58He was really laughing.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Afternoon.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13- It's just through here, Veterinary. - Righty-oh.- You're a good lad.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18- Thanks for coming at such short notice.- Not at all.- In the basket.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23I know she won't suffer with you, Mr Chinnery.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I won't be a minute.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Right.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Hello.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Hello, girl.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41On your last legs, you old trouper.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Well, never mind.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Had a good innings, eh?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Chased a few cats, chewed a few bones.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Well, you won't be in pain much longer.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01Don't mind this. Just a silly, little needle.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06There we go.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09DOG WHIMPERS
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Good dog.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14There.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Sssh...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Off to the Land of Nod, eh?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Here she is, Veterinary.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28- That tumour puts a half-stone on her.- Who's that?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31It's Blacko, the poorly one.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35The one I want putting down, you know?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Er... And this one?
0:15:37 > 0:15:42The, er...sleeping one, by the fire.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47Whisky? My little angel, she is. My little princess. Aren't you?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Right...
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Right.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Whisky?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Whisky?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I wonder if you'd take a seat.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I have some rather upsetting news.
0:16:09 > 0:16:14So, job-seekers, when we think about what skills you've got,
0:16:14 > 0:16:19we can narrow this list of job options down to...
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Baby-sitter and...
0:16:23 > 0:16:27bramble-picker. Don't know where that one came from.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32- I'm going to dish my pens out. - What time is it, Ross?
0:16:32 > 0:16:37- You've got a watch on.- I know. What time is it?- Quarter past four.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43- Just a sec. Where do you think you're going?- Interview.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46You're going nowhere, buster. Sit.
0:16:48 > 0:16:55- Right, job-seekers, as I was saying, I want you to look at this list... - Just a second.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58How can he get a job if you don't let him go for his interview?
0:16:58 > 0:17:03How can he get an interview if he doesn't know his job options?
0:17:03 > 0:17:08- He's already got an interview! - Ross, that is not my responsibility.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12My responsibility is to make you job-seekers.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Where would I be if you all got work?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- On the dole.- Exactly!
0:17:19 > 0:17:23I'd be sat here next to Mr Waddilove, stinking of shit.
0:17:23 > 0:17:29- This is my job we're talking about. - No, it's Mickey's job! Go, Mickey.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Mickey...- Go!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Mickey!
0:17:35 > 0:17:40If you go out that door, I'll have no option but to stop your benefit.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Yeah - both claims.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- She can't do that.- Try me.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Please, Pauline. I feel confident.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Well, you look ridiculous.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01They put monkeys in space, but they won't let one drive a fire engine.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Sit down!- Go!
0:18:12 > 0:18:17That's right, Mickey, love. Stick to what you know.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Pauline's right.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I am stupid.
0:18:23 > 0:18:30Right, the rest of you, I want you to split yourselves into baby-sitters and bramble-pickers.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34We're going to look at the second stage - getting an interview.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Barbara, are bummers deaf?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I've no idea.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Don't know why I'm asking you. You're a woman.- Not quite.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50They've to open me up first along the base of the scrotum...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Black for paper, chrome for string
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Blue ones from this hook do swing
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Keep them clean, don't be mistaken
0:18:57 > 0:19:00For kitchen jobs like trimming bacon.
0:19:00 > 0:19:06- I'd better be off. I'm meeting Martin.- Then there's the towels.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08White for hands, brown for feet
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Green for torso, thighs and seat
0:19:10 > 0:19:12In the cupboard 'neath the stair
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You'll find the red for pubic hair.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Well, I think that's everything.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23You might want to relax. Perhaps you'd like to see Harvey's toads.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- What?- I breed toads for a hobby.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31- Really?- Yes.- The thing is, I'm meant to be meeting Martin.
0:19:31 > 0:19:38Batrachianism is a most rewarding pastime. We thought we'd give you a tour of the amphibarium.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41I'll let you stroke my greenback.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45But don't toads give you warts?
0:19:48 > 0:19:54YOU may give a toad a wart, but a toad may NOT give a wart to YOU!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I'll just go and put the kettle on.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Well, I'd better...
0:20:11 > 0:20:17While the wee wife's away, just a few words on the subject of onanism.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23In this house,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26we don't masturbate.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30It's not a very pleasant thing to do,
0:20:30 > 0:20:35particularly with two young girls running around, now, is it?
0:20:35 > 0:20:41I'd hate to think of Chloe or Radcliffe tearing downstairs first thing in the morning
0:20:41 > 0:20:46only to find you hunched double on the sofa-bed...
0:20:48 > 0:20:50..pumping your fist.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53So, while you're a guest with us,
0:20:53 > 0:20:58if you could rein in those baser instincts, Benjamin, please.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01No, that's...fine.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Good.
0:21:06 > 0:21:11Everything hunky-dory? Good. I'm so glad it's all sorted.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Semen is such a persistent stain.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22'Oi! Three Bluebirds, please!'
0:21:22 > 0:21:27- He's bloody deaf, him. - Well, you know what they say.- What?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29All right, all right!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Brian,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- tell Mike - Mau Mau.- You what?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38That one about the Mau Mau.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I can't remember that. You tell him.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46Danny told us this joke at the golf club. It's the funniest bloody joke.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51- Tell it, Brian.- Me?- Yeah.- All right. There's these three fellas...
0:21:51 > 0:21:56- Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.- Yes, and they get lost in the desert.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Jungle.- Is it?
0:21:58 > 0:22:03- Mm. Go on.- Lost in the jungle. They get killed by cannibals.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06No, you missed the bloody joke out!
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- I can't remember it, Geoff.- You can.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- I'm not bothered, actually. - No, sit down!- Eh?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Sit down.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23He's telling a joke.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28Now, just remember what the end is, and go back.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Right. There's an Englishman...
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Fruit.- What?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36It's the fruit.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- Oh!- He remembers it.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46They've got to go and pick ten pieces of fruit. The Chief says...
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Do the voice.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53The Chief says,
0:22:53 > 0:22:57"So, Englishman, now you must choose between death or Mau Mau."
0:22:57 > 0:23:00The Englishman says, "I'll choose Mau Mau."
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- So they stick the fruit up his arse. - What did he pick?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Oh, the Englishman chose cherries.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Imagine ten cherries stuffed up your arse. Cherries are small.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Go on, Brian.- Right.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20The Chief says to the Scotsman, "Death or Mau Mau?"
0:23:20 > 0:23:22The Scotsman says, "Mau Mau."
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Oh... What's the Scotsman's fruit? Bananas?
0:23:26 > 0:23:31- No, it's smaller than that. - Let's just say bananas.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Too big! It spoils the next one.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- Apples?- No!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- Strawberries?- In the jungle?!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Oh, just think what it is!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Strawberries, apples...
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Bri, why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
0:23:55 > 0:23:59- Don't know. - Cos the parrots eat 'em all.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- Do you get it?- Yeah.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I'd have said "parrots ate 'em all".
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Either way, I think it works.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16As you can see,
0:24:16 > 0:24:21the horned toad requires only three droplets on a slice of moist bread.
0:24:21 > 0:24:26- Only three? I'm meant to be meeting Martin...- Moving on,
0:24:26 > 0:24:30this is a different species altogether.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Everyone's banking on this road. What if it doesn't happen?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- I thought it was a dead cert. - No.- PLUMS!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40You what?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- They're plums. Come on. - It doesn't matter now.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Of course it bloody matters! There's only the Irishman left.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53- Come on. The Chief says, "Death or Mau Mau?"- Do the voice.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- Doesn't matter! Finish it.- I can't remember.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01- Finish it!- I can't remember it. - Please!- I honestly can't remember.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13It's just a big bloody joke to you, isn't it?
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Isn't it? "Geoff can't tell a joke. Geoff IS a joke.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20"Geoff enters a talent competition and loses."
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Me mam said I would win.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29I was only eight!
0:25:29 > 0:25:33You know I've got this gun, don't you?
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Oh, you're all listening now! YOU!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39You're going to tell this joke,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42and we're all going to laugh!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Or else he gets it!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Calm down. I'll finish the joke.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Er... The Chief turns to the Irishman and says,
0:25:52 > 0:25:56"Death or Mau Mau?" The Irishman looks at his fruit...
0:25:56 > 0:25:59PINEAPPLES! PINEAPPLES!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02He looks at his pineapples and he says,
0:26:02 > 0:26:07"I couldn't stand the Mau Mau. I choose death." The Chief says...
0:26:10 > 0:26:11GUN CLICKS
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Get it right, Brian.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20The Chief says to the Irishman...
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I can't remember.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29He says,
0:26:29 > 0:26:31"Death BY Mau Mau."
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- Have you heard it?- Yeah. - It's good, though, isn't it?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Oi! Three Bluebirds!
0:26:43 > 0:26:46MICKEY IMITATES SIREN
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Excuse me. Have you seen someone waiting here?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53What do they look like?
0:26:53 > 0:26:5628 years old.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Brown hair.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Name of Martin Lee.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- I found the wallet. Has he been in?- No!
0:27:06 > 0:27:09I don't know anything!
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Now, if you'll excuse me, officer, the shop is local.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Perhaps your husband saw him. Is he here?
0:27:17 > 0:27:22He's up the stairs, cleansing the precious things of the shop.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24He can't walk, you see?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27And he's blind.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Hello, hello.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Tubbs, what's going on? What's all this shouting?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35We'll have no trouble here.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- Are you the proprietor?- Yes, yes.
0:27:37 > 0:27:44- Well, your wife said you were up the stairs, sir. - I slipped out, Tubbs.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47For a walk. Didn't want to disturb you.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Fine evening, the town. We're very proud.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54- He's looking for a boy.- Poofter, eh?
0:27:56 > 0:28:01Little bummer boy. Came across your type in the forces.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03You won't catch me with my trousers down.
0:28:03 > 0:28:09- Sir, I am here on police business. I found a boy's wallet.- Local boy?
0:28:09 > 0:28:13- He's not from our town. - Do we know his parents?
0:28:13 > 0:28:17I said we'd never seen him before. Did Tubbs do right?
0:28:17 > 0:28:20You did beautifully, Tubbs.
0:28:20 > 0:28:25There's your answer, sir. Never seen this boy before.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Now, if you will excuse us,
0:28:28 > 0:28:31we've a shop to run.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Yes, of course.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Thank you for your co-operation.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Good evening.
0:28:44 > 0:28:45We didn't burn him!
0:28:54 > 0:28:56I beg your pardon?
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Edward?
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Will more strangers come?
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Calm yourself, Tubbs.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14None shall come.