0:00:02 > 0:00:05This is it. Royston Vasey.
0:00:05 > 0:00:10- These pictures don't do it justice. - They do not.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14- That's before and this is after. - Aye.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21- Aye, aye.- What is it?
0:00:21 > 0:00:26You tell me. That's not meant to be there.
0:00:26 > 0:00:33- Oh, aye. Well, it will have to go, Mr Wint. - I'm afraid it will, Mr Kidd.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38- I shouldn't think it's a problem. - The locals are friendly enough.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Stop!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Stop! Stop!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Hey!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I've told you.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Bastard!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- Good morning, Benjamin! - Mm. Oh!
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- Morning, Auntie Val.- Did you sleep all right?- Yes, thanks.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Any used tissues to dispose of?
0:01:53 > 0:01:58- No!- How did you get on last night? Did you meet your friend?
0:01:58 > 0:02:03- No, I must have missed him. - COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:02:03 > 0:02:08I was wondering if I might give him a ring, find out what happened.
0:02:14 > 0:02:20Of course you may. Relax and treat this place just like your own home.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Just one moment!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Go.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Morning, Mrs Levinson.
0:02:48 > 0:02:55I'm so glad I'm going away. It will be one big building site here soon.
0:02:55 > 0:03:01- Gangs of navvies with their bums hanging out.- I know, Mrs Levinson!
0:03:01 > 0:03:06I've cancelled the milk, the dog's offal and my tarot woman.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09She didn't know I was going away!
0:03:09 > 0:03:14- No, Mrs Levinson.- But the chicken man is coming round on Friday.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Don't you hate going away, Iris?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19There's so much you have to remember.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Jaeger suits, Gucci shoes, Chanel bag...
0:03:23 > 0:03:29- Shall I put these knickers in to soak?- Do you know Antigua?
0:03:29 > 0:03:35- Is he the chicken man?- No, Antigua, the place. Sapphire blue oceans,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37cloudless skies...
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- Do you travel, Iris? - We had a week booked in Kendal.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49The carpet warehouse keeps Eddie working like a black.
0:03:49 > 0:03:56We only manage six or seven times a year. I don't know how some people get by without a break.
0:03:56 > 0:04:03- I'm all passion spent by the time Ricki Lake comes on.- Me and Ron take the dogs for a walk to unwind.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Taste's a very personal thing.
0:04:06 > 0:04:13I wouldn't stone-clad my house - it'd look like a white filling in a mouth of rotten teeth.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18It's no wonder some people have to drink as much as they do.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23Be careful with my nightie. It cost more than you owe Kay's catalogue.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Yes, Mrs Levinson.
0:04:30 > 0:04:35- We've theen most of these! - Have we?- Yeah.
0:04:35 > 0:04:41Theen, theen, theen, theen, theen... Oh, I've not theen that.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Oh, I have. It's really good.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Ith it? How many killingth?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Seven.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53- Oh, is that all?!- He kills one by gluttony, one by greedy, sexy,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56ugly, sleepy...
0:04:56 > 0:04:58dopey and bashful.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01It weren't that good.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I don't like Bradley Pitts, anyway.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- No?- Too much acting.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16'Ere, look at these.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Yes?!- Oh! Sorry, love.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Are you open?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Yes! Can I help you at all?
0:05:28 > 0:05:33You can. I'm Mr Wint. This is Mr Kidd.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38- Are you local?- No. We're conducting a survey for PQ Construction.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- We need to serve you with these papers.- Ooh!
0:05:42 > 0:05:48It's nothing to be concerned about. Just notification of a new road.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51No road! Bad!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55SHE GAGS
0:05:55 > 0:06:01This is a local shop for local people! There's nothing for you here!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Listen, love, we're a bit pushed.
0:06:04 > 0:06:11- All you have to do is sign this and read the document. - Is that a crown you wear?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13This? It's just my helmet!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16'elmet!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Yes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23- Can I touch it?- Look, perhaps we could use your telephone?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Tephelone? Em...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Tephelone...
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Is this one?
0:06:31 > 0:06:37I have my mobile. It needs charging. Can you show me your points?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40No, no! Please!
0:06:40 > 0:06:46- Aaaah! - Hello? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!
0:06:46 > 0:06:52- They're strangers!- Not local?!- He wears a crown and builds new road.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- Look, your wife is...- Local?
0:06:55 > 0:07:00Overreacting. We just need you to look at these proposals.
0:07:00 > 0:07:06We don't need a new road! We don't bother the outside world.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08We don't want it bothering us.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13It'll be no bother. Just sign this and you'll never hear from us again.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22You're sure?
0:07:22 > 0:07:28- Absolutely.- Besides, when the new road is laid, you'll be laughing.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Your shop will be full of people.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Hokey, cokey, pig-in-a-pokey.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Good morning, job-seekers!
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Now, one of the best pens has gone missing.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Can I have it back, please?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Thank you.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01Now, as you're aware, today we're looking at your career options.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06Some of you, like Ross, will want to follow your father's footsteps,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08but you can't sign on for ever.
0:08:08 > 0:08:14So we're looking at SALES jobs. Namely, how to sell this -
0:08:14 > 0:08:17The Big Issue!
0:08:17 > 0:08:22Now, for those of you not in the know, The Big Issue is a magazine.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26A bit like Bunty, but written by tramps.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31Inside, it's got stories and poems and look, Mickey, love, pictures!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Yeah!- And you...- Pauline?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- It's for homeless people.- Mm.
0:08:37 > 0:08:45- But we're unemployed.- That's right. And you can earn a bit of money by selling this to real people.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50Oh, come off it! Being on the Dole doesn't mean we're stupid!
0:08:53 > 0:08:58Mickey, love, what is the capital of France?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Wine!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Come on, Ross, on your feet.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I need you for this exercise.
0:09:08 > 0:09:15Now then, job-seekers, imagine if you can that we're standing on a very busy high street.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- I'm an attractive young housewife... - LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I want Ross here to sell me this.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27In your own time.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- Big Issue!- Oh, pathetic!
0:09:31 > 0:09:35"Big Issue"(!) Come on, Ross, I want to see you try!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Big Issue! Help the homeless!
0:09:38 > 0:09:43- Ah, better, you see. Now he's got my interest.- It's only £1.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Good! Watch how I'm starting to pity him.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Want a copy, then?
0:09:49 > 0:09:54- Ask me nicely. - Do you want a copy, madam?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- Ask me more nicely. - There's no such thing!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01All right! It's for a good cause!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Beg me.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08What?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10You heard, Ross. Beg me.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15- You need the money. Make me feel superior.- That's no reason.- Beg me.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- This isn't...- Be a good doggie.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- You're...- Sing for your supper!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- This...- Beg, doggie, beg!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- Beg me, Ross!- NO!!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28No, I won't!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32What?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I won't beg you, Pauline.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I see.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Sit down, please, Ross.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Well, take that, then!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Do you want a go, love?- No!
0:11:01 > 0:11:06- Come on! We're in the high street, I'm a housewife.- Big Issue!
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- How much is it?- £1!- Have a fiver!
0:11:09 > 0:11:13You see, Ross?! Do you see how easy it is?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16It's as simple as Mickey.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Oh, you're nothing. Do you know that?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24You're worthless. Less than the (shit) on my shoes!
0:11:24 > 0:11:31I'm extending your Restart, then sending you on a whole series of meaningless courses!
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Then you'll come back here and I'll re-Restart you!
0:11:35 > 0:11:40And the rest of you, buck your ideas up!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Knuckle down!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46And give me those pens back!
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I'll pay for them. Let me pay for them.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58It's not the money. Melody Maker, NME, that's £2.05, please, Les.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Cheers. Ta-ra.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06- What's Pop always saying? - Principles over pounds.- Yes.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11There's a principle here. That's why I've got to say something.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25Oh, I'm wiped out! I can't wait to get on that plane.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30It must be hard for you living on that estate.
0:12:30 > 0:12:37Armies of young mums with eczema and pushchairs and the men - their tattooed arms look like Stilton!
0:12:37 > 0:12:44- I'd be scared. - Well, we don't go out much. Ron prefers an early night.
0:12:45 > 0:12:51- Oh, them's nice panties, Mrs L! - Thank you. Eddie got them in Paris.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- I won't get expensive briefs. - Treat yourself.
0:12:55 > 0:13:01I get through so many, Ron pulling at them with his big fingers!
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- Really(?) Have you packed Eddie's toilet bag?- I wear nothing in bed.
0:13:06 > 0:13:11With Ron's libido, he's like a lad of 19 sometimes!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I hope you buttoned his shirts.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19- Five, six times a night! - When we first married...
0:13:19 > 0:13:24It's always been like that for us. It just gets better and better.
0:13:24 > 0:13:31- I do things that'd make a whore blush!- Eddie just wears trunks... - This way, that way.
0:13:31 > 0:13:37Some of it barely legal. I think, "Will this pleasure never end?"
0:13:37 > 0:13:39CAR HORN That'll be Barbara.
0:13:39 > 0:13:45I have to check in at the airport. We're flying club class.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50That doesn't mean a free biscuit! Have a nice afternoon.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- I'll see you in a fortnight.- Bye!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Don't do anything I wouldn't do!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00That won't leave her many options.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20We prefer if you wait until after six o'clock.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44You see, road men,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47this is a local shop.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55The strangers you'd bring would not understand us -
0:14:55 > 0:14:57our customs, our local ways.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Not necessarily.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11He said I could touch his helmet!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13If I showed him my points.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Is this true, road man?!
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- No!- Very well!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25You heard the man, Tubbs.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Get undressed!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Afternoon!
0:15:41 > 0:15:46- Hello! I see Fleur de Lis is closing down.- Oh, I know, I know.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51- That's your council mates putting the rents up!- Our hands are tied!
0:15:51 > 0:15:59- What this town needs is investment, like that new road.- There might be some news next week. I can't say.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02More than your job's worth, eh?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- Have you got them?- Yep.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- I forgot my brolly!- Right!
0:16:31 > 0:16:36Just come in. Very fresh.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Usual arrangement?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I don't see why not.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50The thing is, Hilary,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I know it's wrong.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00It just tastes so good.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09SHARPENS BLADES
0:17:17 > 0:17:25A chain of newsagents built up from one shop. Five outlets and a booth at the war memorial!
0:17:25 > 0:17:30- That didn't fall in Pop's lap! - All right, I made a mistake!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Where am I?
0:17:33 > 0:17:38Seen it, seen it, seen it, seen it... Oh, not seen that.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Black and white?!- Oh.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Seen it, seen it, seen it...
0:17:43 > 0:17:49To be honest, I favour internal protection over towels, you know?
0:17:49 > 0:17:54I mean, who wants a great big mattress between their legs all day?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Just drop me off here, thanks.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Have a nice day, then.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Mind how you go. Ta-ra!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07All right, Jacques? Come in.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Have you met my dad?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- No.- Dad?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Dad!
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Dad, this is Jacques. Jacques, this is my dad.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30- All right? Is this your pal the pop star?- Dad...
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Won't be long.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36I'm in a band, yeah.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41It's a great life is rock 'n' roll. I expect our kid told you,
0:18:41 > 0:18:45I used to have a band of my own. Creme Brulee.
0:18:48 > 0:18:53- Had a good run. Did Eurovision. - Eurovision Song Contest(?)
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Oh, yeah. Back in '81. Heats.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Same year as Bucks Fizz won.
0:18:59 > 0:19:05I said to Jay Aston, "This is where you shit your pants, Jay."
0:19:07 > 0:19:13Real good laugh. Right good sense of humour. What about that Gina G?
0:19:13 > 0:19:19- Eh...- Rubbish. Ordinary. I says to our Tom, "It'll not win!"
0:19:19 > 0:19:24In Eurovision, you've got to communicate. Look at the Israelis.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Years in the wilderness, then all of a sudden - genius!
0:19:29 > 0:19:34- What's your instrument?- Mainly programming. Drum loops, rhythms.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I tell you who were good - Smokie!
0:19:38 > 0:19:43- Eh...- Fantastic songs. Well crafted. You should give them a listen.
0:19:43 > 0:19:49The bassist runs a 16-track out by Castleford. I go over quite a bit.
0:19:49 > 0:19:58- I've got a tape here of some of my songs, ballads mainly. Have a listen, if you like.- Well...
0:19:58 > 0:20:02I'm sure I've got one left somewhere.
0:20:03 > 0:20:10- If there's owt on there you want, you can have it. - We don't do ballads.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Just take it. What harm can it do?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Let me know I haven't lost it yet.
0:20:20 > 0:20:26You can ask your record company boss if HE remembers Creme Brulee.
0:20:26 > 0:20:32Everyone knew me round here. I'd walk in a urinal and heads would turn.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37- See you later, Dad.- Yeah. - Nice to meet you, Mr McQueen.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Good luck, son.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43God bless.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47It's a shit business.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54You'll find out.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Aaaaah!- Aaaaaah!
0:21:23 > 0:21:28Look around you. What's Pop's formula, Rich?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30DPI equals SIN.
0:21:30 > 0:21:38DPI equals SIN - Determination plus Perspiration plus Inspiration equals Success In Newsagency.
0:21:38 > 0:21:45- Yeah, yeah, yeah.- Who was the first to charge for cards in the window on a daily rate?
0:21:45 > 0:21:50- Pop.- Who was the first to sell Ginster's Pasties in a newsagency?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- Pop!- We owe him, Rich.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58Now, are you going to tell him or am I?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Please, Al!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02It's your decision.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Guess who's here!
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Where are my boys, eh? Where are my boys?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Come on, I take you both on, eh?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Hey, come here!
0:22:18 > 0:22:22I got presents for the both of youse. Eh?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Eh?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Thanks, Pop.- Ah, it's OK, it's OK.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33So, Al, how are you? The booth is doing good.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38- I drive past, there's a queue all the way to the Gents.- Doing good.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43And the cold cabinet - cans, cartons? They're selling well?
0:22:43 > 0:22:48- I wasn't sure about these drinks. - No, they're doing fine, Pop.- Good.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52But I have good news for you, Richie.
0:22:52 > 0:22:59As you know, your brother Al has made a great success of his booth.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03For many months I have searched for another site.
0:23:03 > 0:23:10It has always been Pop's ambition - a booth for each of my beautiful sons!
0:23:17 > 0:23:21You know the key-cutting cubicle by the indoor market?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Well, the lease come up in two month!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28It's perfect for you, Richie!
0:23:28 > 0:23:35There is room for a freezer unit, a chill cabinet and... we keep the key-cutting machine!
0:23:35 > 0:23:39It could open up a whole new area for us!
0:23:39 > 0:23:46Not just keys - shoelaces, shoe polish, maybe one day we do repairs as well, eh?
0:23:46 > 0:23:51Perhaps soon you be more successful than your brother!
0:23:51 > 0:23:57- I even start you on the same wage. - Pop...- £3 an hour! What do you say?
0:24:01 > 0:24:08Something happened yesterday morning, Pop, when I was looking after the booth for Al.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13What are you talking about?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- What do you mean? - Rich was serving...
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Richie will tell me himself!
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Won't you, Richie?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30I wanna hear from your lip what happened.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37It was nothing really, Pop.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Oh, "nothing really, Pop"?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Nothing really, Pop!
0:24:42 > 0:24:47Then why are you shitting in your panties?!
0:24:47 > 0:24:52Why don't you tell me what this nothing was?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Some boys came.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57To the booth.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02One of them asked for a Snapple.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07And I had to turn my back to... open the chiller.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13And when I turned round again, they'd taken all the Maverick bars.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21How many?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Nine.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Nine...
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Nine, huh?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Nine Maverick bars.
0:25:33 > 0:25:38And you say this is nothing? Perhaps THIS is nothing, huh?!
0:25:38 > 0:25:43Why do you do this to me, Richie? Why do you do this to me?
0:25:43 > 0:25:47All I want is to make you a man, a booth of your own!
0:25:47 > 0:25:52But how can I give it to you when you behave like a child?!
0:25:52 > 0:25:57No, like a baby! It was a child that robbed you!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Look at my face!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Look what you made Pop do!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08You break my heart, Richie!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- You break my HEART!- Pop!
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Rich really is sorry for what he did.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Why don't we...go for a walk, eh?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Yeah.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27We go for a walk.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Me and you.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Maybe WE talk about the key-cutting cubicle, eh?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39You are my son.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41My only son.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Benjamin!
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Did you pass a solid into the upstairs lavatory?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Benjamin?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27HORNS SOUND
0:27:38 > 0:27:40No!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43What are you going to do?!
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Go!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- Edward?- Don't worry, Tubbs!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03They won't get far!
0:28:09 > 0:28:16Hi, Martin, it's me. I've been trying to ring you all day. I'm stuck in this shithole.
0:28:16 > 0:28:21I don't suppose things will get any worse.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26Anyway, I'd better go. My uncle locks up the house at 8.15.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.
0:28:30 > 0:28:35'On the third stroke, it will be 8.15 precisely.'
0:28:35 > 0:28:39BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Hello?
0:29:20 > 0:29:25Subtitles by Greig Forbes, Subtext, for BBC Subtitling - 1999