0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Hello?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24..Oh!
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- Good morning.- Yes?
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Sorry to disturb you. I wondered if I could pick your brains.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38No, you can't! I have a husband, you know.
0:00:38 > 0:00:44I'm lost. I'm looking for Royston Vasey, but I can't seem to find it.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49- Lines and lines and lines and lines and lines!- Yeah.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54- What do THEY mean? - Well...they're the roads.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59- They connect you with other places. - LOCAL places?- Well...no.
0:00:59 > 0:01:10ARGHGHHHH!!
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Hello? Hello, Tubbs? What's going on?
0:01:15 > 0:01:22- What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.- ..Tubbs have nightmare. About new road.
0:01:22 > 0:01:28How many more times, Tubbs? THIS is a LOCAL shop. Hmm?
0:01:28 > 0:01:37For LOCAL people. Strangers cannot force a road upon us. They would not dare. Now, put it from your mind.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50RUMBLE OF HEAVY VEHICLES
0:02:57 > 0:03:02He's hardly touched his lettuce in weeks, Mr Chinnery.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Hello.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Hmm, he DOES look a little peaky.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Eugh... Yes...
0:03:15 > 0:03:20It's a form of pernicious anaemia which affects the chelonian family.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24If we had time, I'd suggest changing his diet, but...
0:03:24 > 0:03:30- Oh, dear.- The best thing we can do is oxygenate his blood immediately.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- What's that?- It's compressed air.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Basically, a short, concentrated blast should perk him up.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42I'll just put this funnel over his little head...
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Would you twist that little knob?
0:03:44 > 0:03:49- WHISTLE OF AIR - That's it. A little bit more.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- Are you sure?- Yes.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56A little bit more. We can afford to be quite bold.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Was he VERY old?
0:04:21 > 0:04:28They offered me a C cup or a D cup, but I don't think with my shoulders a C would look 'owt on me, you know.
0:04:28 > 0:04:35I want something in French silk. Something expensive. I find nylon chafes me nipples.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- Morning, Uncle Harvey.- Morning.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48- Morning, Auntie Val.- Morning, Benjamin. Please join us at table.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56- We haven't actually broken our fast yet. We've been waiting for you.- Oh?
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Yes, we've been waiting since 6.15, actually.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04In this house, we usually rise at a REASONABLE hour.
0:05:04 > 0:05:11- You said to get up when I liked. - It's not a problem, Benjamin. Don't make an issue of it.
0:05:13 > 0:05:20- Still haven't met Martin. I'm a bit stuck...- Maybe people get up this late in YOUR house, I don't know.
0:05:20 > 0:05:26We think of the morning as the better part of the day. Perhaps you're slothful.
0:05:26 > 0:05:33Sluggish and indolent. A dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spreadeagled on pillows
0:05:33 > 0:05:38forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I just don't know.
0:05:43 > 0:05:49- It's quarter past nine.- Already a third of the morning has gone!- But...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Never mind!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Never mind.
0:05:55 > 0:06:02- We like to start our morning with a glass of fresh aqua vita. Join us. - Yes, mineral water'll be fine.
0:06:02 > 0:06:09No, no, no. Not mineral water. Aqua vita. Aqua vita! Water of life.
0:06:09 > 0:06:16A perfect way to set up your body for the day. Full of nitrates and enzymes. A natural antibiotic.
0:06:16 > 0:06:22- Auntie Val will fetch you a glass. You can...fill it now, if you like. - Sorry?
0:06:22 > 0:06:27- Fill it with your own feculence, as we do.- With my fecu...?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Micturate, Benjamin! Micturate.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Pass water.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37You want me to piss into a glass?
0:06:38 > 0:06:44Aids the digestion and is so good for the skin. Come on! On your feet!
0:06:44 > 0:06:49- Mustn't be ashamed of one's bodily functions.- No, I...
0:06:50 > 0:06:55Now, if you'd like to place the glass thusly...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58All you have to do is let yourself go.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03In this house, we think of a dripping tap or a babbling brook.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- Just let it flow!- No, I CAN'T!
0:07:09 > 0:07:16- D'you want a bigger glass?- No! It's nothing to do with the size. I don't want to, all right?
0:07:18 > 0:07:25Oh, dear. It seems BENJAMIN thinks there's something odd about drinking one's own pee-wee.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Something unnatural.
0:07:28 > 0:07:35- Yes, I do!- There are plenty of precedents in the animal kingdom that demonstrate otherwise.
0:07:35 > 0:07:41My toads consume three times their own volume in urine every day.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Perhaps you would mock the toad in his wisdom?
0:07:45 > 0:07:50What is good enough for him is not so for you!
0:07:50 > 0:07:55Well, the toad has been on this earth since the dawn of time.
0:07:55 > 0:08:03I daresay he and his amphibian brethren will outlast our own species...
0:08:03 > 0:08:10So join me, then, and drink! Drink! That we may become more like him and his friends!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Or would you prefer tea?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27APOLOGETICALLY: £2.50, please,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30for the roundabout zoo.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36£2.50, please.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38£2.50 for the roundabout.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42No, thanks, mate.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45But you... But you get a sticker.
0:08:55 > 0:09:01All right, Samuel? Why, these road fellows aren't wasting much time.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06- Still on for this afternoon? Booked the table.- I'll be there.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Oh, and, um, Morris?- Aye?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I've had a...special delivery.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18No, Hilary... I've told you.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I'm NOT interested!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30He'll come round.
0:09:35 > 0:09:42I even thought about going to Casablanca to have it done, but I'd have been butchered.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44It happened to a friend - Julian.
0:09:44 > 0:09:51Besides, I'm not supposed to fly after the implants. There's a danger of the bust imploding.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56All right, Barbara?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59'Hokey cokey, pig in a pokey!'
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Good morning, job seekers!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Now, then,
0:10:05 > 0:10:13it's been brought to my attention that certain of the gents, me restarts, have taken the pens home.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Stealing the pens. Pauline's pens!
0:10:16 > 0:10:22So I warn you, if it happens again, I shall chain them to the tables.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25AND the pens!
0:10:27 > 0:10:31That was a joke, Ross. Don't crack your face(!)
0:10:31 > 0:10:39Now, then, job seekers, we're thinking today, d'you remember, about interview technique?
0:10:39 > 0:10:44Mmm? And what I want to do first is a little role play. Make some space.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Well, come on! Chop chop.
0:10:47 > 0:10:53When will we get onto the computers and learn about spreadsheets, databases...?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Piss off, Ross.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59..Right. Thank you, job seekers!
0:10:59 > 0:11:04Now, then, in this role play, I am going to be playing an employer,
0:11:04 > 0:11:10- and I'm interviewing... Mickey, here, for a job.- What job?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14It's shoving trolleys round Asda car park, Mickey, love.
0:11:14 > 0:11:21Out of your league, but we're only playing. I want to see you really sell yourself!
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- My name is Mickey! - Ooh, good morning, Mr Mickey.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Can you tell me your last job?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Milk monitor.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35And, um, what qualifications do you have?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I'm a good swimmer.
0:11:39 > 0:11:45Uh-huh. And what other work have you done, apart from milk monitor?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- Bugger all.- Language, Mickey.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- What?- Watch your language.- English.
0:11:50 > 0:11:56- WATCH your language. ..Never mind. Thank you. We'll let you know. - Did I win?- You did super.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Right. Thank you, Mickey!
0:11:59 > 0:12:06That was a perfect example, everybody, of how NOT to conduct yourself at interview.
0:12:06 > 0:12:12- He slouched, swore, came across as a man with (shit) for brains. Eh?- Yeah.
0:12:12 > 0:12:18Right, job seekers, what I'm going to do now is show you the right way.
0:12:18 > 0:12:24I want someone in this room to interview me. Any takers?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- You disappoint me.- I'll do it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:36Ross. Well, thank you very much. In your own time.
0:12:36 > 0:12:42- Could I have the clipboard, please, Pauline?- Um... Yeah. You can, yeah.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45And the pen?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Be very careful with it.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- ..Ooh, I feel all naked. - I'm glad you're not!- What?!
0:12:57 > 0:13:01In your own time.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10..The door was already open.
0:13:13 > 0:13:19- Would you like to TAKE a seat(?) - Yes, sorry... Ross is quite right.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22YOU'RE in the driving seat now.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24..I know.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31- I'm getting these, Mike, we're celebrating.- Thank you, Geoff.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36Have you set a date? Cheryl's to speak to her parents...
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Quick, or these'll get in before us.
0:13:39 > 0:13:46- Right!- Pint, please, Geoff. - All right. Brian? - Just a Coke, please, Geoff.- Eh?!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Um, lager.- Three lagers, sweetheart!
0:13:48 > 0:13:55- Will you have a church do? Well...- That's the woman's job!
0:13:55 > 0:14:00- First thing you do, is sort out your best man.- Haven't thought...
0:14:00 > 0:14:06- Gotta be one of us. You haven't any other friends.- Thanks very much(!)
0:14:06 > 0:14:08We'll draw straws for it, Geoff.
0:14:08 > 0:14:14- Eh?- We'll have to draw straws.- Got it all planned out, have you?- No.
0:14:14 > 0:14:21- Keep your nose out, then! Mike's MY friend more than yours, aren't you? - There's not a lot in it.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Brian said Cheryl looks like a moose.
0:14:30 > 0:14:36- He said, "I can't believe he's marrying that old moose."- Never did.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Geoff did.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42No, I said she looks about 100 years old.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Oh, Geoff, you idiot!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53You're right, Brian.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56We WILL have to toss for it.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Tubbs?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Tu-ubbs?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Tubbs!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19London!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24London!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28London!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Give it to me, Tubbs.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32No!!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34NO!
0:15:35 > 0:15:39You LIED to me, Edward!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45You lied to me!
0:15:45 > 0:15:49There IS a Swansea.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- NONSENSE!- AND other places, too!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55You kept them from me!
0:15:55 > 0:16:00YES, I kept them from you! To keep you clean and pure and local!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- What about new road?- What ABOUT it?
0:16:03 > 0:16:09When new road comes, we can SEE these places. We can GO!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Go where?!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- Go where?!- Plymouth.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22I'm gonna stop your road, Tubbs. Once and for all.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Eugh!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35BABY CRIES
0:16:39 > 0:16:45- Yes, pal, can I help you?- I'm just browsing.- Sorry, didn't catch that.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- Just looking round.- Out the door, right, up the high street.- Sorry?
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- For the library. - Isn't this the joke shop?
0:16:53 > 0:17:00Two pairs of plastic tits in the window, jar of fart sweets on the counter. No, it's the butcher's(!)
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Yes, this IS the joke shop, shop being the key word.
0:17:04 > 0:17:10- If you came to laugh at the wind-up willies, sod off!- I am going to buy.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Well...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14whoopee shit(!)
0:17:14 > 0:17:20- What is it, then, squire? Stag night?- What?
0:17:20 > 0:17:26- Got a stag night coming up? Want something saucy? I've just the thing. What about that?- What is it?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Put in the groom's undies, eve of the wedding. Gives him crabs.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37Bloody crab's eggs, innit? Hatch out in his bush overnight.
0:17:37 > 0:17:43- Next day, he's stood at the altar, all he can think about's scratching his jewels. £4.50.- What?
0:17:43 > 0:17:49- All right, four quid.- I'm looking for something more...specific.- Oh.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- What about these?- What are they?
0:17:55 > 0:18:01- Hot sweets. For the best man before his speech.- What's in 'em? Pepper?
0:18:01 > 0:18:06Potassium. Burns the roof of his mouth, his tongue. Never talk again.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11- No, no. It's not the kind of thing I'm after.- Hold your horses, squire.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I know I've got something for you.
0:18:14 > 0:18:22- Few drops in the bride's champagne, she'll piss herself.- What's so funny about it?- Don't make her laugh.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26She PISSES herself. Sort of muscle relaxant.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29My mate knocks it up. 16 quid.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32'Ere, put your hand in there.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- What's in it?- Go on. Ain't gonna bleedin' bite.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- No, thanks.- Put yer hand in. - I don't want to.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47You don't leave this shop till you do.
0:18:47 > 0:18:53- You're not leavin' this bloody shop till you put your hand in!- ..Please.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Put...your...hand...IN!
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Ah, it's not switched on.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22It's good, that, innit? Runs off a car battery - you can't buy 'em.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Jesus! Some people ain't got NO sense of humour.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- Yes, pal, can I help you? Stag night, is it?- Um, yeah.
0:19:39 > 0:19:45And, lo, the scales fell from Saul's eyes and he finally saw the true light,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49the way and the Lord!
0:19:49 > 0:19:52At least, that's what it says here.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Lord, I AM tired.
0:19:58 > 0:20:06..So much for the road to Damascus. What about the road to Royston Vasey we're finally getting? Hallelujah!
0:20:06 > 0:20:14..Let's just hope we don't get a visit from Pog or Lumpi - those soap-dodging road protestors,
0:20:14 > 0:20:21driving round in their converted ice-cream vans. Pierced belly buttons, pierced eyebrows, tongues...
0:20:21 > 0:20:27They'd have their arseholes pierced if their cheeks fitted in the machine!
0:20:27 > 0:20:36I'd shepherd them into their tunnel, knock out the props and see how they liked being close to the earth THEN!
0:20:36 > 0:20:41Well, I welcome this road and every blast of carbon monoxide it brings.
0:20:41 > 0:20:47If God meant us to walk anywhere, he wouldn't have given us Little Chefs. ..Hymn 143.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Drive Them Unto Me, Thy Saviour.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54HE SNORES
0:20:58 > 0:21:05Shotilla, eh? It's a long time since my championship days, but I've not lost me touch.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12It's good to see all this activity on the road front, isn't it?
0:21:12 > 0:21:19- Makes quite a change, someone listening to the voice of the small businessman.- Not before time.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Thought any more about what I said?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28(Hilary!)
0:21:28 > 0:21:32(Not here. Not now.)
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Now's as good a time as any, Morris.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- (For God's sake, Hilary! I'm a magistrate!)- So what?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42They're all sorts on my list.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Ex-mayors, chief constables...
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I'm NOT interested!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Go on. Give it a go.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Hilary...
0:21:59 > 0:22:02(Put it away! Please!)
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I'M not touching it. It's yours.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Hilary!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Wasn't so difficult, was it?
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Tell you what, that one's on me.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Just let me know how you get on.
0:22:35 > 0:22:41- And you're interested in the trolley job?- That is right. VERY interested.
0:22:41 > 0:22:50My abilities to work well as part of a team and yet take individual responsibility are important.
0:22:50 > 0:22:58- What work experience have you had?- I left school early...- You didn't go to college?- No, I felt work exper...
0:22:58 > 0:23:07- NO qualifications?- If you don't count 20 years in the employment service.- No, ACADEMIC achievement.
0:23:07 > 0:23:14- Degrees, diplomas.- Come off it, Ross. Shoving a trolley round Asda car park? A friggin' monkey could do it.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Would you say you're a fairly egregious person?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25..Wot?
0:23:25 > 0:23:30Are you an egregious person? Do you have an egregious personality?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Um...
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Yeah. Yeah, I do, yeah.
0:23:37 > 0:23:43- I'll say some words and I want you to reply with the first thing you think of.- Yes.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47- Home.- Royston Vasey.- Family.- Dead.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Friends.- Pens.
0:23:50 > 0:23:56- ..No, FRIENDS.- Pens. The best friends you can have.
0:23:56 > 0:24:02Everything I know about people I learnt from pens. If they don't work, you shake 'em.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05If they still don't work, you bin 'em!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Really?
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- Work.- Everything. My work is everything to me.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- Love.- No.
0:24:15 > 0:24:21- Somebody once, but...- Age? - A lady's prerogative. - I need it for the records!
0:24:21 > 0:24:29- Let's say I'm as old as me gums and a bit...- How old are you?- 48!- Thank you.- Thank you. When do I start?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Oh...
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Sorry, I can't offer you this position.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39..You wot?
0:24:39 > 0:24:44Well...you failed the interview. You strike me as a bully.
0:24:44 > 0:24:51You're ill-mannered, ignorant and foul-mouthed. You're not qualified for this job.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53And, apart from anything else...
0:24:53 > 0:24:55you're too old...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59..Miss.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Sorry.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07But I can...
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Good! Thank you very much!
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Ross handled that situation very well. Can I have me things back?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32But how would he handle a situation
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- more like THIS!! - ROSS ROARS IN PAIN
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Oh, a bully, am I? Foul-fuckin'-mouthed?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43You'll EAT those words!
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Egregious! Egregious!! Egre-e-egious!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50 Stop it, Pauline!!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Stop being a nutter!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03ROSS COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Oh, Mickey...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14what is egregious?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20BABY IS CRYING Be quiet!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Hello?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38KNOCKING STARTS AGAIN
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Who is it?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Mike.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47It's me, Geoff.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49What do you want, Geoff?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53What you doin'?
0:26:53 > 0:26:59- I'm ON the toilet.- You haven't got Brian in there with you, have you?
0:26:59 > 0:27:04- What?!- ..Look... I've come to apologise.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- I've brung you an engagement present.- Oh.
0:27:08 > 0:27:14- Yeah, I'm really sorry for what I said. I love that Cheryl. - TOILET FLUSHES
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Don't fancy her. She's old-looking. YOU do, that's the point.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25- So, you know, if you NEED anyone in the future, maybe...?- Yes, Geoff.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- What?- Yes, you can be my best man.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Oh, YES! I can't wait to tell Brian.
0:27:31 > 0:27:37- All right, all right. What's this present you've got me?- Oh, yeah.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40..Put your hand in there.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49INAUDIBLE
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Stop! Stop the machine!
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Pick her up.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42What the hell is that?!
0:29:02 > 0:29:06Subtitles by Valerie Maguire BBC Scotland - 1999