0:00:02 > 0:00:09# Go to Joan Glover and tell her I love her and at the mid of the moon I will come to her... #
0:00:13 > 0:00:17Come on, guys. # Go to Joan Glover... #
0:00:17 > 0:00:21- We're lost, aren't we, Phil? - I'm not sure.
0:00:21 > 0:00:28- This isn't a road.- It's hard to tell. We're underneath this staple. - What's this?
0:00:28 > 0:00:32This is where the road's meant to be.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Shall we see if we can help, Olly?
0:00:41 > 0:00:46Best not, Dave. We'll only be late for the kids.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Always be professional.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52The kids'll respect you for that.
0:00:52 > 0:00:57- # Go to Joan Glover and tell her I love her... #- Oh, shut up!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Did the plan work, Edward?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Yes, Tubbs.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07The plan worked beautifully.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Come on, girl. Do your business.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I'm coming!
0:01:32 > 0:01:37Hi, Grace. Morning, Grace.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Mr Chinnery.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I'll be two minutes. Come in.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Your entire zoo?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02How many animals did you lose?
0:02:02 > 0:02:10Three. Pickles the chimp was from my brother-in-law. The goat was from a gypsy in Tadcaster.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15And the pig was a favour from a farmer friend in Scholes.
0:02:15 > 0:02:21I've got nothing now. The pig was there, the chimp was there. All gone!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Everything's gone.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28- Read the map!- I haven't got the map. It's not my responsibility!
0:02:28 > 0:02:36- Now where? Left or right?- It has to be left.- For crying out loud! - Straight ahead.- Right!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51There's a man sitting next to you.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56- Not another man, me. I just thought you ought to know.- Thank you.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Oh, it's all right.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- It's a lovely day.- Yes. - No, I'm telling you.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08It IS a lovely day. Hardly any clouds in the sky.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12You are in a park on a bench talking to a man - me.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Am I shouting?- Sorry?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- AM I SHOUTING?- A little, yes.
0:03:18 > 0:03:25I thought so. I expect your ears are more finely-tuned than an average, normal, healthy person's.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30- They are important, yes.- They keep your specs on for one thing!
0:03:30 > 0:03:34They forecast rain again later this afternoon.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39- I beg your pardon?- They say it'll rain again this afternoon.
0:03:39 > 0:03:45- Did they write it down for you in that bumpy writing?- No, it was on TV.
0:03:45 > 0:03:51Oh. Good. Good for you! Do you watch a lot of...?
0:03:51 > 0:03:55It's all repeats. It's nothing you haven't seen before.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You should get yourself a video.
0:03:58 > 0:04:04- I've got one.- You can tape stuff just to listen to it or keep it in case one day...
0:04:04 > 0:04:09Who knows? They can put pigs' livers inside you nowadays.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12A pig's liver instead of a human's!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15So they might find some way of...
0:04:15 > 0:04:20I saw this Tales Of The Unexpected and it was just this eye on a stalk.
0:04:20 > 0:04:27This brain and an eye on a stalk in a big glass tank. If you're lucky, one day that could be you!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31If I'm lucky?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Well, listen to me, eh?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I must be going.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40It's nice to meet you, anyway.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I'm behind you now.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I'm going. Ta-ra!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52How do you shave?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I bet you cut yourself a lot.
0:04:55 > 0:05:01Is that why you see so many bearded sightless? They always look a mess.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Dandruff and crumbs in their beard.
0:05:03 > 0:05:11Mum used to say, "That's what'll happen to you if you keep fiddling with yourself." Didn't stop me.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I expect you get lonely, rattling around all day
0:05:15 > 0:05:20inside your house - your hostel - locked in your own thoughts.
0:05:20 > 0:05:25You'd do better going for a walk. As I say, it's all repeats.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30Who knows? You might even meet another... Look at me!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Was it something I said?
0:05:40 > 0:05:45- Did you have a nice holiday, Mrs Levington?- Barbara, it was paradise.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48It's like being in a Bounty advert.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52I should get my bikini line waxed.
0:05:52 > 0:05:59- So anything been going on around here?- Have you not heard about the Beast of Royston Vasey?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Barbara, people can be very cruel.
0:06:02 > 0:06:08- Not me! They dug something up on the new road.- You'll give me the willies.
0:06:08 > 0:06:14You're welcome to mine. It's coming off in a fortnight, anyway!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Right, what have we got here, then?
0:06:26 > 0:06:31- I have to warn you, Mr Chinnery... - Don't worry, Inspector.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35I'm used to seeing nature in tooth and claw.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46You cowards!
0:06:46 > 0:06:50You whoremongers, idolaters, liars!
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur
0:06:54 > 0:06:57where you will die the second death,
0:06:57 > 0:07:02the death that burns for all eternity!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08So...think on.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11< SOBBING
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Shut up!
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Oh, they've arrived. Did you know that this afternoon,
0:07:19 > 0:07:25some of you will be watching a play instead of doing proper lessons?
0:07:25 > 0:07:30It's going to be performed by Legz Akimbo Theatre Company
0:07:30 > 0:07:35and it's a show about homosexuality aimed at 9 to 12-year-olds.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Some people call this theatre an education.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I call it AIDS in a van.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Now...adultery.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48My finest specimens.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Sonny and Cher.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55Soon I shall be entering them for the Annual Croaker Parade.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59They've been nurtured for the past nine months.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Fed exclusively on smoked mackerel.
0:08:02 > 0:08:08Now I feel the Toad Breeder Shield is finally within my grasp.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13- Uncle Harvey, I'm getting the next train back to London.- Impossible!
0:08:13 > 0:08:21- You're looking after the girls tonight.- Guests must baby-sit at least once.- You never mentioned that.
0:08:21 > 0:08:29Perhaps if you'd spent a little less time cavorting with Madame Palm and her five lovely daughters,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32you'd be a little more alert.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Well, I'm going. I've got the ticket.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Splendid. That's settled, then.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Chloe and Radcliff will be thrilled.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Benjamin!
0:08:45 > 0:08:51One other thing. While you're walking round the house, wear these.
0:08:51 > 0:08:57We use them on Wednesdays to help restore the weft of the carpet.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16OK, everyone. Thanks very much. Good morning.
0:09:16 > 0:09:24We are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company. Two Christmases ago we did White Chocolate, a play about racism.
0:09:26 > 0:09:32We're back in your school to present our new piece on sexuality called Everybody Out!
0:09:32 > 0:09:39I'm Olly Plimsolls. I'll get your names in a minute. There are far too many of you!
0:09:39 > 0:09:46- This is...- Phil.- And...- Dave. - Today we'll do some forum work on sexuality.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Before we start, we will be losing Phil at the end of the month.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56- What?- It's sad to see him go, but he's been plucked for stardom.
0:09:56 > 0:10:03- He's a proper actor. He's off to do telly and radio and other exciting things.- When did this happen?
0:10:03 > 0:10:08- Last week.- Next time you see him on your telly, you can say,
0:10:08 > 0:10:13"I know him. He was at our school in that really good play.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18"I liked him in that. The script was good, but he's out of his depth here.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22"He's rubbish in this. Turn it off, Mum!"
0:10:22 > 0:10:27Thanks, Olly(!)
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Shift over.
0:10:27 > 0:10:34- Who was the casting director? - Paul Alexander.- That old queen? How did you...? Oh, right.
0:10:36 > 0:10:42Room for a little fat one. That's it. OK, who's got a secret?
0:10:42 > 0:10:48- Who's got a great secret that only they know about?- I have.- Dave!
0:10:48 > 0:10:55Who's got a secret that they couldn't tell anyone else? What kind of secret is that? Any ideas?
0:10:55 > 0:11:01No? What if you stole something, did a crime? That would be a secret.
0:11:01 > 0:11:07Or you're a secret smoker. You take yourself off for a fag behind the bike sheds.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10What about if you're gay?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13There's a few giggles.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Hands up...
0:11:15 > 0:11:18who's gay.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22I'm not! It's a hard one to admit to
0:11:22 > 0:11:29- when I bet you there are some gays in this room. - There is at least one I know of!
0:11:29 > 0:11:34Sexuality is a very broad church. It's like anything else...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36that's like that.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Tolerance is very important.- Yeah.
0:11:39 > 0:11:46- This is what people forget. Gays are just ordinary, healthy guys.- But dykes are evil.
0:11:48 > 0:11:54- Olly!- Picture a scene. You arrive home early to find your wife in bed with another man.
0:11:54 > 0:12:02- Olly, let's...- But it's not a man. It's a big, fat lezzer wearing my slippers, smoking my pipe!
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Don't touch me, you poof!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- D'you wanna take a break?- I'm fine!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Where was I?
0:12:13 > 0:12:18Tolerance. You talk to work things out. I spoke with my wife Linda.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23I'm not man enough, so she lives with a female Geoff Capes.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Which is fine. It's a process.
0:12:25 > 0:12:32- Understanding people is part of the hidden horrors of relationships.- Olly...
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Olly!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Right, any questions?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54The subject appears to be animal.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Porcine features.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02But ostensibly...
0:13:03 > 0:13:06simian.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10May I have a glass of water, please?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- 'Sir?'- Not now.
0:13:13 > 0:13:19Yes, also elements of a ruminant or ovine anatomy.
0:13:20 > 0:13:28- Anthropoidal nature of the subjects suggests some gross distortion of a known genus.- 'Sir?'
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I can only conclude
0:13:30 > 0:13:34that we are being confronted by a new species,
0:13:34 > 0:13:40some monstrous basilisk, the like of which the world has never seen.
0:13:40 > 0:13:46'Sorry to bother you. I've got this zoo fella here. Lost his animals.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51'You haven't seen a goat, a pig and a chimp anywhere?'
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Come on. Back to work, everyone.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Oh, yeah.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Did the plan fail, Edward?
0:14:43 > 0:14:49Mr Scarecrow, you do look messy. Your head's all out of shape.
0:14:51 > 0:14:57I'll ask Mummy to make you a new coat and trousers. Then you won't look so scruffy!
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Hey! Hey, you Denton girls!
0:15:00 > 0:15:07- What's your business with my scarecrow? - He's a special friend, Mr Tinsel.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10He must get very lonely and hungry.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13No, you mustn't worry about him.
0:15:13 > 0:15:20He's only a thing of cloth and straw. Shouldn't you be getting back to your school trip?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23They shouldn't let you wander off.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26GIRLS LAUGH
0:15:28 > 0:15:33Oh, dear. Them young lasses have made an awful mess of your head.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36GROANS
0:15:37 > 0:15:45Did you know it's your third anniversary coming up this Sunday? Three weeks in a ten-acre field!
0:15:45 > 0:15:49What have you got to say about that, Andrew?
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Please. Please, Mr Tinsel, let me go!
0:15:59 > 0:16:05When you're doing such a fine job keeping the crows off my turnips?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I don't think so, Andrew.
0:16:09 > 0:16:16Maybe next month, eh?
0:16:10 > 0:16:16At least leave the bag off for a while.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Oh, I'm not sure about that.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Please!
0:16:21 > 0:16:26All right. I dare say, a bit of fresh air will do you good.
0:16:26 > 0:16:32I'll take a walk down to the reservoir, but don't try any of that screaming.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I've got me gun.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Oh, God!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Oh, God!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Oh, my God! My God!
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Girls! Girls! Come here!
0:16:51 > 0:16:56Girls, come here! Come here, come here, come here! Come here quick!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Look, there isn't much time.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02- I need help. - What kind of help, Mr Wood?
0:17:03 > 0:17:08- You know who I am? - Of course we do.
0:17:08 > 0:17:15Mr Wood from the cash and carry. Farmer Tinsel has kept you here because you slept with his wife.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19She thinks you deserted her and went away,
0:17:19 > 0:17:24- but you've been here in the field all this time.- Eh?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Let's get this back on your head!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30No!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Please, help me!
0:17:33 > 0:17:38- And you'll want this. - We'll see you, Mr Scarecrow.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42You're our special friend, so don't go away.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50SCREAMS
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- Hey, Luigi!- We're back again. - Can't keep away, huh?
0:18:03 > 0:18:11- She's burnt the dinner. We've had the fire brigade out.- He's lying. - Table for two?- Yes, please.
0:18:11 > 0:18:17- I've got my toyboy coming. - I'll give her a bloody toyboy. Save me a fortune!
0:18:17 > 0:18:25- Can I get you some drinks?- Yeah, I want sangria.- No, just pick her out a nice bottle of red, Luigi.
0:18:25 > 0:18:32- Oh, Luigi. Put the Gypsy Kings on. - I like them, Luigi! - She's bloody off, look!- OK.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45It's quiet.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Here he comes!
0:18:49 > 0:18:54- I'm back on my holidays, Luigi! - She'll be on t'bloody tables next!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- I was in Tenerif-ay.- It's Tene-reef.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- For you, madam.- He called me madam!
0:19:00 > 0:19:05- Thanks, Luigi.- He wants a bib. - Luigi...- Big baby!- Shut up!
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- Calamari - is that salad, lemon wedge?- Si, signore.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- What is it, Luigi? - Squid, Stella. You won't like it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:19- I'm asking Luigi!- I took her on holiday, two-star hotel, full board.
0:19:19 > 0:19:26- Don't listen to him!- She spent half her time in the bathroom, knickers round her ankles!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I'll bring the wine, huh?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Stella...- Drop dead.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Luigi!- Luigi!
0:20:05 > 0:20:10- Where have you been?- Stay single. - Come to cheer us up?- Not worth it!
0:20:10 > 0:20:17- Have you...?- Tell me how you put 20,000 pesetas in a slot machine... - Save your breath!
0:20:17 > 0:20:22- Ask her why she had to leave her job.- I loved that job.
0:20:22 > 0:20:28- And that 250 in my bottom drawer. - I get so bored! I have to get out the house!
0:20:28 > 0:20:37- I don't love her no more.- I'm still a woman.- Make something happen, Luigi.- Please, Luigi!- Luigi, please.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Me name's not Luigi.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44It's Carl.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I'm sorry.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03- I thought he said his name was Luigi.- Aye, well...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- Are you OK, Olly?- I'm fine.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Don't forget the music in the disco scene.- I'm fine!
0:21:13 > 0:21:18Mum said I was artistic. I thought she meant I was good at drawing.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22At school I knew I was different from other boys.
0:21:22 > 0:21:30- They were interested in football. - Yeah!- And girls.- Phwoar! - But I liked books and dolls.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- Poof!- Queen!
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Mary!- Homo!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- Nancy!- Linda!
0:21:42 > 0:21:49I used to walk the streets for hours, thinking what was wrong with me, why was I different?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53That's when I saw it. The nightclub Gloria's.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58I pushed open the door, went inside and danced the night away.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Danced the night away!
0:22:02 > 0:22:06All right, all right!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10DISCO MUSIC
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Hey, I haven't seen you before.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- I'm not gay.- That's cool. I'm not judging you.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33We get all kinds - gays, straights...lesbians!
0:22:33 > 0:22:38- Olly!- Gloria's is a fun place as long as you're careful and over 18.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41See ya!
0:22:41 > 0:22:46My head was spinning. I couldn't wait to tell all my pals.
0:22:46 > 0:22:52How could I tell them? I felt like I was on trial at the Old Bailey.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57Will the court now rise for His Honour, Judge Society!
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Johnny, you stand accused of being gay. How do you plead?
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Not guilty. No, guilty. Why are you judging me?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11What about AIDS?
0:23:13 > 0:23:19It seemed like a nightmare at first, but that was a few weeks ago.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- You're hurting me.- Put me down.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27Just like one of those fairy tales, we all lived happily ever after.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I'm happy with who and what I am.
0:23:29 > 0:23:36If people don't like that, they can go kill themselves, like Mum did.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Come on, kids, get clapping.
0:23:38 > 0:23:44- The moral of this story is...- Being normal won't get you anywhere!
0:23:44 > 0:23:49Phil's just got a great part on telly because he bums the director.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Yes, I'm not stupid!
0:23:52 > 0:23:59- People like me and Dave plod on... - Don't, Olly!- I'm telling them how dedicated we are.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04- I'm leaving Legz Akimbo.- What? - I've had enough.
0:24:04 > 0:24:10If Phil's going, I'm going.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Why are you doing this, Dave?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I just can't stand you, Olly.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I'm sorry.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Great.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Excuse me. I think I'm going to be sick.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55BOTH: Benjamin, we can't sleep. Can we play a game?
0:24:55 > 0:25:00Really, girls, you should be in bed. It's too late to play.
0:25:00 > 0:25:07- Please play with us. - I promised I'd make sure you didn't get up.- Please!
0:25:07 > 0:25:11No...! Now go to bed.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27DOOR CREAKS SHUT UPSTAIRS
0:25:29 > 0:25:34If you don't play with us, we'll tell Daddy on you.
0:25:34 > 0:25:40- What?- We'll say we came down and caught you doing something naughty. - Like what?
0:25:40 > 0:25:46- BOTH: Shaking hands with the governor of love.- Don't be silly!
0:25:46 > 0:25:52- He won't believe that.- We know how to say it to make it sound real.
0:25:52 > 0:25:59We don't want to make him angry. I once saw him beat a man until they were both crying.
0:25:59 > 0:26:04I'm not going to let you blackmail me. Now I've told you. Go to bed!
0:26:04 > 0:26:08- AAAAAGH!- All right, all right.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11We'll play a game, but just for a bit.
0:26:11 > 0:26:17Fetch the blindfold. We're going to play Wind In The Willows.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26One, two, three, five,
0:26:26 > 0:26:30twelvety-six, ten... There are too many, Edward!
0:26:30 > 0:26:35There's been a local shop on this site for generations.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40Now this new road... What are we going to do?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42We could kill them all.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Tubbs, you're good-hearted!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49There are too many.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Look, Edward, a shooting star!
0:26:52 > 0:26:56- Shall we make a wish? - Yes, Tubbs.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01I wish... I wish for an end to this plague of strangers,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04for our future to remain local
0:27:04 > 0:27:08and for the new road to be totally destroyed.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Can I have a new dress, please?
0:27:16 > 0:27:21- GIRLS SHOUT - All right, calm down. Stop shouting!
0:27:21 > 0:27:27Calm down. Stop shouting. I don't know what you're talking about.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33I don't think you should be... Now stop it, stop it!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36LOUD HISS
0:27:36 > 0:27:39What's going on?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Calm down!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44What's happening?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Oh, hello!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52We were just...
0:27:54 > 0:27:58..playing Piggy In The Middle.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Sonny!
0:28:05 > 0:28:09- My Sonny!- Where's Cher?- I didn't...
0:28:09 > 0:28:11SQUELCH
0:28:20 > 0:28:24Oh, God!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30I'm sorry!
0:28:52 > 0:28:57Subtitles by Calum Short, Subtext, for BBC Subtitling 1999