0:00:02 > 0:00:07And if you'd just like to pop your signature there, pet.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13I have to say, I think you're both mad.
0:00:13 > 0:00:18Imagine, endless nights in with nothing to say.
0:00:18 > 0:00:23Awkward fumblings between the sheets as your passion fades.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27The grinding tedium of enforced companionship.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29And yours just there, thank you.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48BURRRRRRRP
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Pig!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Excuse me, could you give me a hand, please?
0:00:58 > 0:01:02It's just a little bit further. Thanks very much.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Lighters.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24BELLS RING JOYFULLY
0:01:27 > 0:01:30DEEP MALE VOICE: A lovely couple.
0:01:30 > 0:01:36What? Oh, yes. Why don't you go and try and catch the bouquet, Barbara?
0:01:36 > 0:01:40I might not have to. Have a read of that.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46- "Stunning, busty brunette..." Is this you, Barbara?- Yeah.
0:01:46 > 0:01:53- "..seeks open-minded male for cuddles and car maintenance." Had any replies?- No, it's just out.
0:01:53 > 0:01:59- Why? Are you interested?- Oh, no, Barbara. Gotta go. I'm the best man.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03You should let me be the judge of that, Geoff!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- You ready, Ken?- Yeah.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- We're all here, behind you.- Oh.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Bloody hell,
0:02:10 > 0:02:15- where did you find him? - Mike, he's very cheap. Say cheese!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Cheese!
0:02:22 > 0:02:25EXCITED CHATTER
0:02:25 > 0:02:30See you later, Cheryl! See you at the reception, Mike!
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Let them go, then. That's it.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42GEOFF LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:02:46 > 0:02:50SOMBRE CELLO MUSIC
0:03:48 > 0:03:51We're having the do "olde worlde".
0:03:51 > 0:03:56- Got any "hey, nonny, nonny" stuff? - Yeah, I'll have a think.- Well, do.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- You're the band for tonight?- Yeah.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Should be a good do.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23- Is that a Strat?- Yes, mate.- Thought so. I used to play one of them.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Do you do requests? Do you know Voodoo Lady?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- You mean Foxy Lady, Jimi Hendrix?- No.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Voodoo Lady, Creme Brulee.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Eurovision heats finalists, 1981.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39No? Not heard of us?
0:04:39 > 0:04:47Got quite a bit of radio play. Peter Levi at Air FM, it were his record of the week, April 16th-23rd.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52I bought my Strat off Mitch Murray. Used to write songs for Paper Lace.
0:04:52 > 0:04:59He says, "Les, I want 300 sheets for that. You can have it for 250." Cos he knew me.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04- Do any telly?- No, just weddings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09Oh. T'outfit I were with, Creme Brulee, did quite a bit of telly.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Did Magpie. Kate Bush were on... t'week before us.
0:05:13 > 0:05:19Do you know what ruined everything? Punk rock. What was all that about?
0:05:19 > 0:05:26- Craftsmanship went out the window. Do you write your own stuff? - It's a covers band.- Oh, yeah.
0:05:26 > 0:05:33Peter Skellern, he said to me, "Les, you'd been around five year back, you'd have been away."
0:05:33 > 0:05:38Timing was wrong, is all. There's a lot of luck in this business.
0:05:38 > 0:05:44- I was right to get out. Wanna hear my stuff?- I've got to get on.- Yeah.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Can I have a word, boss?- Yeah?
0:05:46 > 0:05:54- What, Maynard?- Ray's not turned up. - Again? We'll have to do without rhythm guitar tonight.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Hey!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- It's fate, is that.- What is?
0:05:59 > 0:06:06- I play rhythm guitar.- Oh, no.- Can't do Sympathy For The Devil without it.- We can do it on the keyboards.
0:06:06 > 0:06:15- It's not the same. Give us a go on your Strat. I'll teach you Voodoo Lady.- It's not gonna happen, right?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Yeah.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21You're right. Probably wouldn't enjoy it, would I?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Out on the road, getting drunk.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27A young man's game.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Nice to have a chat to someone who knows their stuff, though.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34It's a shit business.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I'm glad I'm out of it.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42All the best, son.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50It's very kind of you.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- Hurry up, Henry! - We've got to get food yet.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08What are you trying to do - bum me?
0:07:09 > 0:07:15- Where do you want to sit? - Go behind this slaphead. Excuse me.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20IRRITATING GIGGLING
0:07:20 > 0:07:27- How much do I owe you now?- How much were the tickets?- I don't know. How much was t'popcorn?- I don't know.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Sssh!
0:07:30 > 0:07:35- Has it started?- This can't be it. It's all French.- Be quiet, please.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40- Oh, sorry(!)- Sorry we spoke(!) - It's only t'bloody adverts.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43No, it's started. This is the film.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- This is the film?- Yes.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- Is this Candyman 2: Farewell To The Flesh?- No.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54We're in t'wrong bloody film.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- Eh?- Wrong bloody film. - What's this, then?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- It's Blue.- Blue?!
0:08:01 > 0:08:06- A bluey?- Bloody hell, that's a bit o' luck!- Told you it were French!
0:08:06 > 0:08:14- Blue! Krzysztof Kieslowski's Trois Couleurs: Bleu.- Dracula's what? - An 'orror?- Trois Couleurs: Bleu.
0:08:14 > 0:08:21- "Twa Culla Bleugh"!- What's he say? - I don't bloody know. It's weary. - No, give it a chance.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24It might be really, really good.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28How many killings have we missed so far?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Is everybody having a good time?
0:08:32 > 0:08:38Yay! Right, this will get you up on your feet. Dance Yourself Dizzy!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I'm sorry, love. I didn't see you.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Don't get up.
0:08:45 > 0:08:51Oh, it's Peter, isn't it? No, Paul. Oh, I'm going daft in me old age.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- Christopher?- Simon. - Simon! That's it.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59You're our Linda's... No, our Valerie's...
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Joan.- Right, our Joan's youngest...
0:09:02 > 0:09:07- Eldest.- Eldest daughter. - Son.- Son! Yes, son.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Our Joan's eldest son, Simon.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Oh, of course!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15You're the cripp...
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Er... The, er... You know.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24- How have you been keeping?- You know me. All right down one side. No...
0:09:24 > 0:09:27What I mean to say is, it's, er...
0:09:27 > 0:09:33It's been a long time. The last time I saw you, you were only so high...
0:09:34 > 0:09:41I must, er... Do you know where the gents is? No, you wouldn't. But you might.
0:09:41 > 0:09:48I expect even you lot have got to, er... Unless you've got one of them little Queen Mum... No.
0:09:49 > 0:09:55- It's down there, on the left. - On the left? Right. On the left.
0:09:55 > 0:10:01Oh, there she goes, look. The blushing bride. Are you courting, like, Simon?
0:10:01 > 0:10:06No. You wouldn't, would you? But you might. Not that you shouldn't.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11In the modern world, I expect there's ways for a...you to...
0:10:11 > 0:10:18I saw this documentary once and it said there's no reason in the world why...
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Bound to be somebody out there.
0:10:21 > 0:10:27Plenty, fish, sea - all that. One that doesn't mind doing it with a...
0:10:27 > 0:10:33Doesn't mind doing without it, even. And if your babies turned out to be all...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Well, they can tell these days.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38They've got computers.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Christ, Simon,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43you wouldn't have to keep it.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- Excuse me. I think my wife's calling me.- Oh, aye.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Was it something I said?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05PHONE RINGS
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Hello, Babs Cabs.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12I was wondering if you're available tonight.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Right.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Oh, right. Just a sec, just a sec.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Can I ask who's speaking, please?
0:11:21 > 0:11:30- Benjamin Denton. I'm at the Swan Mills estate. I'd like you to pick me up somewhere else.- I understand.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I want to go quite far.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Ben, I understand.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Where can we meet?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Outside the butcher's, six o'clock.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Six o'clock.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49- It's a date. - I'll see you later, then. Bye.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Bugger me, it worked!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57THE WIND HOWLS
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Nearly there.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04This was known as the Zechstein Sea,
0:12:04 > 0:12:09covering most of what is now the north of England.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Right, we're all gathered. Just come this way.
0:12:13 > 0:12:19The entrance to this cave is quite low. Mind you don't bump your heads.
0:12:20 > 0:12:26Now, not a lot of people know that Stump Hole Cavern takes its name
0:12:26 > 0:12:32from the crippled prostitute who used to ply her trade here in the 17th century.
0:12:32 > 0:12:40If you look carefully up there, you can still see her tariff etched into the limestone in soot.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45Right, if you stay close behind me. Mind the shale on this floor.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Quite slippy.
0:12:53 > 0:12:59We are part of a wider network of caves that riddle the entire county,
0:12:59 > 0:13:05including the much larger Red Scar Cavern, half a mile to the west.
0:13:05 > 0:13:11A trifle flashy for my taste, with their gift shop, granary-style cafeteria,
0:13:11 > 0:13:18and 100% safety record plastered all over their promotional literature.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23If we stay in single file, we'll make our way into the main cavern.
0:13:23 > 0:13:29It's worth pointing out that Red Scar were served with a council notice
0:13:29 > 0:13:34ordering them to replace 115 yards of faulty wiring.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39Let's say I wouldn't like to get caught down there in a thunderstorm,
0:13:39 > 0:13:47and no amount of trilobites in perspex or stegosaurus-shaped pencil-tops is going to change that.
0:13:47 > 0:13:54This particular cavern may be familiar to you from its countless appearances on the small screen.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58In 1974, you couldn't move here for Cybermen.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03There was an incident in which Tom Baker sprained his ankle
0:14:03 > 0:14:05on that rock there.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12Just goes to show how easily accidents happen.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17We've had all the celebrities here, including the late Don Henderson,
0:14:17 > 0:14:22the Chuckle Brothers - you saw the autograph in the ticket booth -
0:14:22 > 0:14:25and Michael Buerk...
0:14:25 > 0:14:27and the 999 team.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31It's around about this stage of the tour
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I raise the subject of darkness.
0:14:34 > 0:14:42There's nothing quite like the darkness down here. To illustrate this, we turn out all the lights.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I, myself, am not fond of darkness.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I sleep with the lights on now.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57It's in the darkness I see the boy's face,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00eyes protruding, tongue out...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02black.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12If you look over here, you'll see some of the limestone formations
0:15:12 > 0:15:18for which Stump Hole is more famous...used to be more famous.
0:15:18 > 0:15:24The lads give them comical names, depending on what they're meant to look like. Santa Claus.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27His beard and sack.
0:15:27 > 0:15:32The Wombles. See how the sediment forms the brim of Orinoco's hat.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35The Specimen Jar.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37The Toffee Apple, and...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Errol Flynn.
0:15:42 > 0:15:49This one over here, people say to me, "Mick, that doesn't look like anything at all."
0:15:49 > 0:15:57But I don't know. When I look at it, I see a little pair of hands clutching at a slippery, wet rope,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00sliding down, down into the dark water.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Sometimes I'll stand here for hours,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06just looking at it.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11That concludes the main part of the tour.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Follow me.
0:16:15 > 0:16:22Michael Buerk did say, "Mick, you can't go on blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault."
0:16:22 > 0:16:25But I don't know.
0:16:25 > 0:16:31Young kid, whole life ahead of him. School trip tragedy. Local man blamed.
0:16:31 > 0:16:38Every day the same. Parade of blank faces. The constant drip from the cavern roof.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41The cold indifference of the ancient rock.
0:16:41 > 0:16:48But you keep going, don't you? Like the moss growing round that light bulb.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Life finds a way.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Look at that skene of iron oxide.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02You wouldn't find anything like that in Red Scar.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Remember the guide on your way out.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Thank you.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18CRRRRRUNCH
0:17:18 > 0:17:24- Oh, it's pig-shite boring, this! - Give it a chance. It might be really, really good.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29Name one foreign film that's been really good, ever.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- La Bamba. - # La, la, la, la, la Bamba!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- # La, la, la... #- Ssh!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Zuzz!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40SLURRRRP
0:17:40 > 0:17:48- What's happening, then?- You read it. - You can't come to t'pictures to read. You don't watch films in libraries.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53- You can. They've got videos. - What ones?- Weary ones.
0:18:09 > 0:18:16- Who's she?- Who?- Her. I recognise her. - Did she go to our school? - No, she were in a film.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- She were in Twa Cooler Blow. It was on Barry Norman.- This is it.
0:18:20 > 0:18:26- This is Twa Cooler Blow?- Yeah. - It's meant to be really good, this.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Quiet! I can't hear a bloody word!
0:18:29 > 0:18:35- You don't have to. You read it.- It's not a bluey.- YOU'RE in t'wrong film.
0:18:35 > 0:18:41- Why don't you just leave?- What? - I said...- Ssh!- I don't believe this.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46- Neither do I. It's a bit far-fetched.- I know.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49SLURRRRP
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- Hi.- Barbara, thank God you're here.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- I've been desperate to do this ever since I arrived.- Oh.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07- It's been really hard since I last saw you.- Has it, really?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11We'll have to do something about that.
0:19:17 > 0:19:23And that comes with best wishes from all the lads at Rotherham Plastics.
0:19:23 > 0:19:29We'd like to show our appreciation to our own master butcher, Mr Hilary Briss.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I don't know what's in his sausages, but I haven't tasted finer.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40(Oh, Hilary, you didn't?)
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Right, as Mike's best man,
0:19:43 > 0:19:47I've got to say a few words about his achievements.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50So I won't be long!
0:19:50 > 0:19:56- Watch it, pal!- His lovely bride, Cheryl, asked me to keep it quick.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59It's obviously what she's used to!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- That right, Cheryl?- Sauce, eh? Sauce.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04All right.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09Now, Mike is my best friend in the world.
0:20:09 > 0:20:16- I've known him since school. We sat together in Maths. We were a double act.- The Terrible Twosome.
0:20:16 > 0:20:22They tried to split us up. We always managed to sneak back together.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27So they had to move me into a lower stream with the remedials.
0:20:27 > 0:20:33Even in Art, the teacher preferred his drawing of a train to mine.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35It was my pencil he drew it with!
0:20:35 > 0:20:39NO-ONE ELSE LAUGHS
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Those were the days, eh, Mike?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Happiest days of our lives.
0:20:47 > 0:20:54We left St Mark's at the same time, started work for the same company, in the same office.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58- Tell them about... - Till Mike was headhunted.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I've watched him
0:21:00 > 0:21:07rise and rise through the ranks to the position he holds today - my boss.
0:21:09 > 0:21:15Who'd have thought he'd one day be ticking me off for not sending them faxes that night?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I can't believe it.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24You work your fingers to the bone.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Anyway, I'm getting off the point.
0:21:27 > 0:21:33About this time we're sharing the office, Mike is screwing my wife-to-be, Katy.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Cheryl, you're not part of this yet.
0:21:37 > 0:21:44It's here that things finally go in my favour for a change, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:44 > 0:21:49In '87, both our mums got really ill. Mine got better.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52But yours died, didn't she, Mike?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Didn't she?!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- (Yeah.)- Yeah!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Your mum died and mine didn't.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I won that.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08At least I won the mums!
0:22:11 > 0:22:16Oh, it's a sorry affair, this. Reminds me of MY wedding day.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21If she were here now, my Katy would agree with me.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25But she's not here now.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Because she left me.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Didn't she, Brian?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41But now I've got this gun!
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Sometimes it would be so easy just to finish it!
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Right, Brian?!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Come on, now, Geoff.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Fair do's, eh?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Let's sit down now.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I hate you, Mike!
0:23:18 > 0:23:23I hate your success and your suits and your beautiful wife!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Katy...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35No.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Is she happy, Brian?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Yeah.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Well, it's Mike and Cheryl's day!
0:24:02 > 0:24:07Charge your glasses, please. Join me in a toast. To the happy couple.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10EMBARRASSED MUMBLING
0:24:19 > 0:24:21What are you doing?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I've never done this before.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Done what?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Let's have some music, shall we?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32SMOOCHY MUSIC Shift up.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35What are you doing?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Ugh! What's that?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40That's just the handbrake.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Barbara, no!
0:24:42 > 0:24:49You see, when you buy a car you don't just go for the first one in the lot, do you?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52No, you want to see under the hood,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55fiddle with the points,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58check if she slips easily into reverse.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03- I don't know what you're on about! - I'm not wearing any knickers, Ben.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- Give me your hand.- Please, Barbara!
0:25:06 > 0:25:14- You tell me that's not as good as the real thing, eh?- Let go! What if somebody sees?- No-one will see.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Come on!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19No, Barbara! I've got a girlfriend!
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- Eh?- I'm sorry. I'm already spoken for.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28But I thought when you said you wanted to go with me, you meant...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30I meant, to the station!
0:25:30 > 0:25:36I want to leave. There's been a misunderstanding. I'm sorry.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39SNIFFLING I feel such a fool.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Look, you're a lovely...
0:25:42 > 0:25:45If I wasn't seeing someone else...
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Don't, Ben. I think you'd better go now.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52You can't just leave me here.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57- You do know I'm having the operation, don't you?- What am I meant to do?
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- It was worth a try, though, wasn't it?- Barbara!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Please!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Shit!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Hilary!
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Hilary...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Who is it? What's going on?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It's me, Hilary. Maurice.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23- Maurice, it's four in the morning. - Let me in. It's important.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Quiet! You'll wake Mrs Briss.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31- Have you got something for me?- What? - You know bloody well what I mean!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Oh, you've changed your tune.
0:26:34 > 0:26:41- Can't you give me a little? - I'm a respectable butcher. I keep regular hours. Come back tomorrow.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Please... Please, Hilary!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I'm...
0:26:49 > 0:26:51hungry.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06All right, Maurice.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Just this once,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I'll do you a favour.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Thank you.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38MOANING
0:27:42 > 0:27:44More...
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I want more.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Perhaps you can do ME a favour some time.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00GRUNTING
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Excuse me! Could you...?
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Oh, of course.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Actually, it's just a bit further.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Thanks.
0:28:46 > 0:28:51Subtitles by John Macdonald, Subtext for BBC Subtitling, 1999