0:00:04 > 0:00:11This programme contains adult humour
0:00:14 > 0:00:17SHOP BELL RINGS
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Yes?
0:00:43 > 0:00:47- Hi.- Can I help you at all?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Don't you know who I am?
0:00:49 > 0:00:55Well, this is a LOCAL shop for LOCAL people. There's nothing for YOU here.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I'd, um, like to buy the snowstorms.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- All of them.- The precious things?! - Yeah.
0:01:01 > 0:01:06In fact...I'd like to buy it all. Everything in the shop.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11- How much would that be? - ..Well, that's, um...
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Seven and twelvety pounds.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Would you, um... put it all on this, please?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Look at the NAME!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Who ARE you? Are you LOCAL?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Yes. ..It's me, Mum.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44David.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47David...
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I'm your son.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01'My next collection is at 3.30. My last one is at 8.'
0:03:05 > 0:03:10Come along, girls. You'll miss the bus to the farm.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- BOTH: We want Benjamin to come.- Yes.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18No. He can't. HE doesn't go on school trips. He's a grown-up.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23And he and Daddy have some... grown-up things to discuss.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Come along.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Bye.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32So, Benjamin,
0:03:32 > 0:03:37we do agree that you have to make amends for this...
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- ..accident?- Yes.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45And you are prepared to do anything that might be...required of you?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Yes.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52Very well. If you care to accompany me to the bathroom...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54..we can begin.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Val!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- Do you have the lubricant? - Yes.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04And the rest.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11It's not like you, Geoff, getting a taxi to work.
0:04:11 > 0:04:18- I thought I'd treat meself. It's a special day for me, this.- Me too. I'm going in for me op. The biggy.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Oh. Are you nervous about it?
0:04:22 > 0:04:27Not really. One little prick and it'll all be over.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- Oh?- Yeah.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Then they cut me cock off.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43Don't you remember? I went away to college.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- A LOCAL college?- No.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- London.- London. Yes!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Yes, London. You bought me this.
0:04:55 > 0:05:01- Look, Mum, I wanted to tell you... - What's all this shouting? We'll...
0:05:01 > 0:05:04have no trouble here.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07It's David! He's our son.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12He's no son of mine. Read the signs. Strangers are not welcome here.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Do you deny him? - It's all right, Mum.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19He left the town of his own free will.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24- Dad... - I trust force won't be necessary. - Dad...
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Mum.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31- There's something I have to tell you both.- Are you gay?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35No.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38When I went away from here, I went to college, as you know.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Then I set up my own business.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42It's a construction company.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46No...
0:05:46 > 0:05:49We specialise in...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52..road building. - No!
0:05:52 > 0:05:56I fought for this contract, Dad. - Not my son!
0:05:56 > 0:06:02I wanted to bring us closer together. - By tearing down the local shop?! - No! It's called progress.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07There's a whole world out there. There's nothing to be afraid of.
0:06:07 > 0:06:13- Why don't you come and stay with me in London? Just for a weekend.- Yes!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15May we? May we? May we?
0:06:15 > 0:06:16- May we? May we? May we?- SILENCE!!
0:06:16 > 0:06:21TUBBS SOBS You should not have come back here.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35- Listen, Mum, pack some things. I'm taking you with me.- No, I can't!
0:06:35 > 0:06:39I've business to attend to at the site then I'll pick you up.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Yes.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46Yes! Come for me when the fiery ball weighs heavy in the sky.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51About seven, then?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I love you, Mum.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02What is...love?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12'Thank you for posting a letter inside me.'
0:07:15 > 0:07:18RADIO PLAYS
0:07:18 > 0:07:21BARBARA SINGS
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Hokey-cokey, pig in a pokey!
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- Good morning, job seekers! - MICKEY: Morning, Pauline!
0:07:33 > 0:07:38Well, as I'm sure you're all aware, today's a very special day.
0:07:38 > 0:07:43- We've all come to the end of our restart course. Awww.- Thank God.
0:07:43 > 0:07:50I want to thank you all for being so well-behaved. You've been a lovely bunch...on the whole.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55It's been hard, dragging yourselves out of bed at 9am for six weeks...
0:07:55 > 0:07:58It was either that or have your benefit stopped.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00And you all need your beer money, don't you?
0:08:00 > 0:08:07If you weren't mindless pissed each night, you'd likely kill yourselves.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10..That'd get the unemployment figures down!
0:08:12 > 0:08:15..Yeah, I was joking, gents.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20As it's the last day, I thought we'd play a game called Shop A Scrounger.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Pauline.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28- What's this, Mickey?- I brung you a present.- A present? For me?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Why?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Dunno. ..Think I like you.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Awww.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- What IS it?- It's a pen. - I can see THAT. But...
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Like Swap Shop.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Thank you, Mickey.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03I shall treasure this.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Can I have a word with you, Pauline?
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Yes, Ross? What have YOU bought for me? Poison?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14No, it's better than that.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Well, come on, then. Spit it out. Don't be so...EGREGIOUS.
0:09:20 > 0:09:28All right. I regret to inform you that, as of 4pm, you are suspended from the employment service...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Oh, piss off!
0:09:30 > 0:09:34I work for the Social Security, Pauline.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Internal Investigations.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42I've assessed your working practices over the last few weeks. Frankly, I'm appalled.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45You wot? YOU work?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47You don't have to come here if you work, Ross.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53I've all the evidence I need for your instant dismissal.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58- What is it?- It's my report. "Abusive and threatening language.
0:09:58 > 0:10:04- "Unprompted violence..."- Sit down, Ross! I won't fall for that one.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- TAPE RECORDER PLAYS - 'You work-shy set of bastards...!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12'Sit up straight, you bone-idle lazy cu..'
0:10:14 > 0:10:16What's that?
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Your workshop on Self-esteem For The Unemployed.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21It was only a bit of fun.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24It's not a joke, Pauline.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26You're finished.
0:10:26 > 0:10:35- I'll ensure that you never work in the employment service again. I'll have to ask for your pens back.- No.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Leave me me pens.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Please?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41They're no longer your property.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49You'll be hearing from us. This course is finished, everyone.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Wait! ..WAIT!
0:10:53 > 0:10:58- You'll never get away with this, Ross.- I'll file this report...
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I'm not talkin' about your report.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05- I wouldn't wipe me big fat arse on it.- ..What, then?
0:11:05 > 0:11:09You've been working AND signing on.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12And THAT, job seekers, is a crime.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16We lose millions a year to people like Ross.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20If you do any part-time work, you have to declare it.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25Don't you see, gents? He's nothing but a dole cheat.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Maybe. But I'm not unemployed.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Wot?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I'M not unemployed. YOU are.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51SOFT SOBBING
0:11:57 > 0:12:02I hope you're enjoying your trip to Mr Tinsel's farm.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04And now, what I hope will be the highlight.
0:12:04 > 0:12:10A chance for us all to witness the first faltering steps of a tiny new life.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14This is the star of our show.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19- Monica the cow. - LOUD MOOING - She has been in labour for 12 hours.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24It means the baby cow's been trying to come out of its mummy's womb.
0:12:24 > 0:12:30- What's a womb, Mr Chinnery? - A special place inside Monica where the baby grows.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35Sometimes, the baby cow needs help coming out. That's what we'll do.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- I put my hand inside Monica. - Eugh...!
0:12:40 > 0:12:46I attach a rope around the baby's hooves, we give a great big tug and out will pop the little calf.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47So here we go...
0:12:51 > 0:12:52LOUD SQUELCHING
0:12:52 > 0:12:55MOO-OO!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58He's stuck his hand up his bum.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- I know that's what it looks like. - MOO!
0:13:02 > 0:13:08No, I am, of course, inserting my arm into the "other" passage.
0:13:08 > 0:13:14- It IS its bottom. I saw it lift its tail and poo came out of it.- No, no.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19My father knows about these things. It IS its rectum.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20No, no.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23It IS tight...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26< MOO-OO!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30No wonder it's a difficult labour.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Ah. These feel like the hooves.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I'll just get the rope around them.
0:13:35 > 0:13:41- Who would like to come up here and help pull the baby calf out?- I will.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- OK. What's your name, love?- Natalie.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48OK, Natalie. Just get hold of that there. OK?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50We'll pull together. ..Right, and...
0:13:50 > 0:13:53..pull!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- MOOING - Pull!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Pull!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00CHILDREN: Eugh!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03There we go.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09It looks like offal, Mr Chinnery.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13No, no, no. That's the... That's just the birth...sac.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Isn't that a liver?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Oh, Christ... Don't look, Natalie.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Don't look.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24All right, Veterinary? How's she doin'?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I'm afraid there have been one or two...complications.
0:14:45 > 0:14:50'We just have to run a few tests before the operation,'
0:14:50 > 0:14:53make sure everything's in full working order.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01- So if you could just give us a specimen...- Right.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Um... - NURSE COUGHS
0:15:04 > 0:15:08I just wanna do it standing up. For old times' sake.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16And He will come and give strength to hands that tremble with weakness
0:15:16 > 0:15:19and to legs that are lame.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23The crippled will cast away their crutches, leap and dance,
0:15:23 > 0:15:29jump up and down in praise of the Lord and receive all the blessings of Heaven.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36But it doesn't say they have to have six parking bays at Safeway, does it?
0:15:36 > 0:15:43Always empty. I left the car for FIVE minutes - nipped in for a bottle of Taboo -
0:15:43 > 0:15:47and I came out, the bugger's clamped.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51I said to the fella, "Would it have made a difference if I'd had a stick and a limp?"
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Ramps outside libraries! And their toilets are massive!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Hymn number 168 -
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"Glad That I Live Am I".
0:16:04 > 0:16:07CLANKING OF BOTTLES
0:16:10 > 0:16:13RUMBLE OF THUNDER
0:16:13 > 0:16:15TYRES SCREECH
0:16:18 > 0:16:20(Dad...)
0:16:25 > 0:16:27We need to talk.
0:16:33 > 0:16:40- That REALLY set the cat amongst the pigeons. The report's not ready... - Bloody hell!
0:16:40 > 0:16:45- Another drink?- No, thanks. - So I find myself...- Give it a rest!
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- Eh?- Well, can you not talk about something else?
0:16:50 > 0:16:56- There ARE other things, apart from work!- Leave him. It's just a story.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- But he's boring, though, in't he? - I'm sorry, Geoff. If...
0:17:00 > 0:17:06- No, carry on, Brian.- Oh, no(!)- No, please. I'm sorry, Brian. Carry on.
0:17:10 > 0:17:16- I find myself at this conference, waiting to...- It's just... Well...
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Today's me birthday.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23- Oh, Geoff, it's not? - Oh, happy... Happy birthday, mate.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Why didn't you say?- I have now.
0:17:26 > 0:17:33- Course, we were here, this time last year.- Yeah. And the year before that.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Well, um, happy birthday, Geoff.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40- How old are you now? 43? - Older than that, aren't you?- 40.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I'm 40.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Oh. You don't...
0:17:45 > 0:17:47..look it.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- Well, um, many happy returns, Geoff. - Cheers. Thanks.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07- So, go on, Bri. You're at this conference. - So I'm sitting there...
0:18:09 > 0:18:15- I brought these hats. You don't... have to wear 'em.- No, we will.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- Which one d'you want? Yellow one? - Why not?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- Don't bother... - Get it on, birthday boy.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27Brian, I just... Look, I wanna...say thanks.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- Thanks for...coming out wi' me today.- We were coming anyway.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I know sometimes I get mad, and, um,
0:18:36 > 0:18:43- well, recently, I've said a few stupid things. - I CAN'T HELP... But I'm older now...
0:18:43 > 0:18:45You're as old as the woman you feel.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48All right, now, serious, Mike.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I'm older now, and, um, well...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I've made a decision and I'm sticking to it.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Good, cos sometimes you can be a right psycho.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Brian!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02That's very good, that is, Geoff.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05You've got your whole life ahead of you now.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Life begins at 40.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Yes, well, so they say. I've said me piece.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- I'm off to the lav. Get them drinks in, you.- Waiter.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18(You can let 'em all in now.)
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I couldn't keep a straight face.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Hiya, Cheryl, love. Hurry up!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Who's got a banner?
0:19:27 > 0:19:33- He thinks we forgot. - He's brought his own hats. - He'll get a shock.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- Be quiet, he's only at t'bogs. - What's THAT?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41He's brought his own bloody birthday cards as well(!)
0:19:41 > 0:19:44What does it say, Mike?
0:19:48 > 0:19:52"I hate you, Mike.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55"Tell Brian I hate him too.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"I needed your help.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05"You always knew I had this gun.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08"Geoff."
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Geoff?!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12GUNSHOT
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Grip the shaft firmly...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21No, nearer the base.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26- Round and round not up and down. - You're doing well.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31It's basic hygiene, Benjamin.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35- Cleaning items must be spick and span.- A dirty brush is USELESS!
0:20:35 > 0:20:43- Then turn your attention to the items with which you cleaned.- What about them?- They need cleaning too.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45What do I clean them WITH?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48These.
0:20:49 > 0:20:54We wage a constant battle against the microbe and the germ.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58- I suppose I clean THOSE once I'm done?- Naturally.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Oh, for CHRIST'S SAKE!! As if it matters!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04As if ANY of it matters!!
0:21:04 > 0:21:09I'm gonna hang the BLACK scissors on the BLUE hook!
0:21:10 > 0:21:14I need to dry my hands. What'll I dry them with(?)
0:21:14 > 0:21:18What happens if I use the WHITE towel not the BROWN?
0:21:19 > 0:21:26- Can't even shit without you peeping in to see I'm not...- Conducting yourself in a solo symphony?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Let me OUT!!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Poor Benjamin. Benjamin...
0:21:35 > 0:21:40Life writes many different stories upon us.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Stories that make us what we are.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47I myself was a shy and awkward boy,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50afflicted with terrible facial warts.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Oh, yes.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59People would...whisper behind my back, "There goes Harvey Toad-Face!"
0:21:59 > 0:22:04- "Hide! Toad-Face is coming." - That was just his parents.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08But the toad can teach us many lessons.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Itss life cycle is a model of order and simplicity.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16All we ever sought to do is create a similar harmony
0:22:16 > 0:22:19for ourselves and...those we love.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Look, I...didn't mean to upset you.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31If you feel uncomfortable, then, of course, you must go.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33But don't judge us too harshly.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38We simply sought to...express our love in the only way we knew how.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Benjamin.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49- Before you go, we'd like to give you something.- Of course.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51What is it?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54It's this.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59An itemised bill covering expenses incurred during your stay.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Wear and tear to carpets...
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Dust creation and subsequent removal.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Disproportionate consumption of toilet tissue,
0:23:07 > 0:23:11used while pleasuring yourself to wicked extremes.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Cheque or Visa would be fine.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Um... Brian's waiting for the police.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- Are you OK? - Yeah.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Oh, Geoff.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02You had everything to live for.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Why'd you have to go and do something stupid like this?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13To see the look on your faces!
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Geoff?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Oh, I got you, didn't I? They were blanks.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Oh, you...BABY!!
0:24:31 > 0:24:34It was only a joke.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Hello, hello, Tubbs. What's going on?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45I'm leaving you, Edward.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49..What?
0:24:49 > 0:24:54I'm leaving you. I hate this town and I HATE this shop!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56David's taking me to London.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- No.- We're going shopping at Harvey Nic's
0:25:00 > 0:25:03and then we're off to Leicester Square for a pizza.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Tubbs. Listen to yourself!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09You cannot trust this boy.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13His mind has been corrupted by colours, sounds and shapes.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I want to see Les Mis.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Or any of the big shows, really.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Goodbye, Edward.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I...love you.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Tubbs?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I...
0:25:39 > 0:25:42..have to tell you something.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46I saw David earlier this afternoon. We, um...
0:25:46 > 0:25:49..had a little chat.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53He's decided he's not going to build the new road after all.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58I don't care about your stupid road. We're going on the choo-train.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Go!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05David must be...waiting for you.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- David!- Hello, Mum.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23I've changed my mind.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I want to live...LOCALLY.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Tubbs.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59- 'Thank you for posting a letter...' - All right! It's me.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- Good day? - It was all right. Yeah!
0:27:06 > 0:27:07See you tomorrow.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18- Would you look after this for me, please?- Course I will, Barbara.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- Are you all right?- Yeah.- Try and relax.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- The anaesthetic'll kick in soon.- Good.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- I've heard that Dr Mikos is one of the best in the country.- He is.
0:27:28 > 0:27:35- Shame he had that skiing accident. - Eh?- We have a capable replacement.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Hello, Barbara. Don't you worry about a thing.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Right. ..What am I doing?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Excuse me.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Excuse me.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07Is there a shop round here? I'm starving and I wanna get away.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Yes. Come with me.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Oh, I like your boots.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19My friend has a pair just like that.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24So, um, are you local?
0:28:24 > 0:28:25Yes.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Yes, I am.