0:00:04 > 0:00:11Contains adult humour and some strong language
0:00:20 > 0:00:25CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Hello and welcome to The Mash Report,
0:00:29 > 0:00:32the show furious not to be nominated for a Fake News Award.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35We're back and to be frank, there's too much news.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37For example, the NHS is in dire straits,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40with a staffing crisis and medical students making up the shortfall.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I think it's safe to say I speak for no-one
0:00:42 > 0:00:46when I say how glad I am that Jeremy Hunt has had his portfolio
0:00:46 > 0:00:49expanded to include health and social care,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52following the Conservative Party motto - if you can't do one
0:00:52 > 0:00:54thing competently, do two things abysmally.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59The Bayeux Tapestry is to go on display for the first
0:00:59 > 0:01:02time in the UK. Spoiler alert, for those who haven't seen it,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05it's a big old napkin and King Harold dies at the end.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09But the top story this week is the company Carillion,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12a private company that had a huge number of government contracts.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15The company has failed and now the government is having to step in,
0:01:15 > 0:01:19just like with G4S, Tata Steel, the East Coast rail franchise.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Basically, a summary of this whole story is this - hey, you know
0:01:22 > 0:01:24that thing that always happens?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Well, it happened!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Carillion have been underbidding for public sector contracts,
0:01:31 > 0:01:32getting paid upfront,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36and then using that money to pay off the suppliers of previous contracts.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38They were always paying catch-up,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41a business practice economists refer to as shitting the bed.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46We should have seen it coming. We went on their website yesterday
0:01:46 > 0:01:49and found this diagram under a section called "our values".
0:01:51 > 0:01:53What is this?!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55No wonder they've gone under.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58You can't solve a company's problems by shouting, "For God's sake!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01"Just look at the value petals!"
0:02:01 > 0:02:03They've all spent the last week screaming,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06"Oh, magic business flower! Why hast thou forsaken us?"
0:02:08 > 0:02:10The company was failing for years,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13but still kept on paying out millions in bonuses.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14And if you're thinking,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17"Hey, somebody really should go to jail for this," you're right.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Only, here's a fun side note,
0:02:19 > 0:02:23it turns out Carillion maintained 50 prisons, so presumably, the doors
0:02:23 > 0:02:26don't have locks and one of the walls is just a post it note,
0:02:26 > 0:02:27saying "IOU One Wall".
0:02:28 > 0:02:30One thing's for sure.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I think it's fair to say we can now update Carillion's value
0:02:33 > 0:02:37flower with this - "We bid, we can't count, we failed, you're fucked!"
0:02:40 > 0:02:43APPLAUSE
0:02:45 > 0:02:47And now for the most reliable new source this
0:02:47 > 0:02:51side of your uncle's Facebook feed, it's the Mash news desk!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Headlines on the hour.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Transcognitive ability normal, he's just a prick,
0:03:02 > 0:03:03says White House doctor.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11BBC pay row looms, as it's revealed that Nick Grimshaw gets paid...
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Gets paid.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16And Queen still very sexual.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22But first, the crisis in the NHS is now so bad that performing
0:03:22 > 0:03:27arts students are being drafted in to pretend they're A&E doctors.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Due to severe staff shortages, patients are now being treated
0:03:30 > 0:03:34by drama undergraduates who are not even fully qualified in saying
0:03:34 > 0:03:36words and dancing about.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Earlier, we spoke to pretend A&E consultant Nikki Hollis.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44It's fine, until you have to start doing medicine to them.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Sometimes, you know what to do cos if someone's got an eyeball
0:03:47 > 0:03:50hanging out, obviously, you just pop it back in with a bit of Blu Tack.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52It's harder if their insides are ill.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55So what I do is I give them every type of pill
0:03:55 > 0:03:57and just hope one of them works.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Sometimes it makes them not hurt, but sometimes
0:04:00 > 0:04:04they have a very long sleep and um...a man takes them away.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09So, if you are ill,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12just hope your local university has a good drama department.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Thousands of Britons who don't drink that much anyway are currently
0:04:18 > 0:04:20enjoying a pretend battle with alcohol.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Boring people with normal levels of self-control are having
0:04:24 > 0:04:28a drink-free January, allowing them to experience the thrill of a life
0:04:28 > 0:04:32or death battle with their alcoholic demons, but in a lame, amateur way.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Here's our reporter, Emma Bradford, with more.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Every year, drink is not really a problem for most Britons,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43but that doesn't stop us making a huge fuss in January,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45when we give it up for no particular reason.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Earlier, I spoke to pretend alcoholic Julian Cook.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Yeah, it's going to be tough.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55But with the support of my family and my friends,
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I'm just hopeful that I can break my three glasses of wine a week habit.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04The hardest thing, actually, is seeing other people drinking
0:05:04 > 0:05:08and you hate them for it because you just want that blissful oblivion
0:05:08 > 0:05:13you can only get from a small glass of red wine with your Sunday lunch.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18We'll be back with more later.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:05:22 > 0:05:24So, Rachel is, as ever, at the social media wall,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27taking your comments and queries about the stories.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Rachel, in the wake of the Weinstein scandal and the Me Too campaign,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I believe you wanted to pick up on the confusion surrounding
0:05:33 > 0:05:35what actually constitutes sexual harassment.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Yes, that's right, Nish.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Or should I say, "Stop sexually harassing me, Nish!"
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Because even talking to a woman is now completely off-limits.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Isn't that right, Nish?- No! - No, it's not, Nish,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55but it's fun to pretend to be confused about that, isn't it?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02In the light of recent revelations,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05many men are feeling very worried about their own behaviour
0:06:05 > 0:06:09and feeling a little bit threatened as well, which makes me so sad.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12"Well done, feminism," says Martin Daubney, in The Telegraph.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14"Now men are afraid to help women at work."
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Well, Nish, as ever, the Daily Mail provides a very good barometer
0:06:18 > 0:06:22of the British public, with this headline, which actually happened...
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Sociologist Carolann Peterson says in the article...
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Nish, it's an absolute minefield!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48What could possibly be wrong with spanking a colleague?!
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Or the prospect of a sudden arm grabbing you from the shadows?!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- Hang on, are these real headlines? - They're real, Nish!
0:06:55 > 0:06:58They're genuine headlines! Welcome to the world!
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Nish, if you would, please, come and join me
0:07:02 > 0:07:06and let's see if we can, together, sort this mess out.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09It's absolutely impossible to see where the line is,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11so I've come up with a series of visual aids to help
0:07:11 > 0:07:13you at home through this difficult time.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15So, the first one, the biggest question is -
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- what is sexual harassment? - OK, well, let me first say,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22very nice use of the Comic Sans font there, Rachel.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Thank you, Nish. If you're laughing, you're learning.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30So, let's start at the start.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34First things first, can I compliment a woman? Yes.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37You can say something like, "Hello. You look well." That's fine.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40But you can't holler, "Nice whaps," at her from a car.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Not any more! Sorry, Nish.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47What do you mean, sorry, Nish?!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50RIP, the good old days!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56OK, is it OK to give a woman flowers?
0:07:56 > 0:07:57- Yes.- Yes! You're right, Nish, yes.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00As long as you don't put your penis in there.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06It's tricky, isn't it?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08OK.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13Is it OK to give a cheery hello to a lady? Yes! Of course it is.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15But not if you're hiding under her bed.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Not according to the PC brigade!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- Now, Nish, take a look at the screen.- Yes.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I'd like you to tell me, Nish, do you think, in your view,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32that this is sexual harassment?
0:08:32 > 0:08:33"Hi, Jan, can I borrow your stapler?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:36No.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- He has got an erection, Nish. - Ah, right.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Having reviewed this picture and the angle he is standing at,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I now see that I was naive to think he was not fully erect.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Very good, Nish. Although, in truth, it's impossible to tell.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56His arm is directly in the way.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Let's assume that this one is fine, but what about this one, Nish?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"Jan, please some to the server room and wank me off."
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I'm going to say... Yeah, I'm going to say that's a definite not OK.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Yes! Nish, you got one right!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21So, Nish, um, I'm going to do now some harassment role play with you.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- OK. I'm immediately uncomfortable. - Don't worry, Nish.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Nish, don't worry, you're a non-threatening beta male
0:09:26 > 0:09:29who's absolutely tailor-made for the friend zone.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31So...
0:09:33 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:37 > 0:09:40So, Nish, what we're going to do is, imagine we're in a normal
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- pub situation.- Sure.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43And we're friends, like we are.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46In a way.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- Um, so, how would you greet me normally in a pub?- OK.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- Well, we were friends, so I would just give you a hug.- Exactly.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55So give me a hug now. But now just hold that for a little bit too long.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00So, you know what that feels like. Does that feel right or wrong?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- It's feeling more and more wrong by the second.- Yes, that's right, Nish.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05If it feels wrong, it IS wrong.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Sometimes, a simple greeting like a hug can be harassment,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11if one of the participants is obviously using
0:10:11 > 0:10:14it for their own weird gratification.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Hugging is absolutely fine, Nish,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19but is blood suddenly moving to the groin area?
0:10:22 > 0:10:23If it is, then it's a bad hug!
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Is it, Nish? Is it?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29No, there's no blood flowing anywhere.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33OK, wonderful. Thank you for your help. Thank you. I'm afraid...
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Don't look at the script, Nish! It'll be fine, Nish!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46You'll be able to wing on the night!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Of course, we wouldn't do anything to make you feel uncomfortable!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Welcome to womanhood.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:01 > 0:11:05So, I'm afraid that life is going to get harder, now that
0:11:05 > 0:11:08we're not allowed to sexually harass anyone. Of course, it is.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12But if you do stick to my handy guide, we will manage to walk that
0:11:12 > 0:11:16terribly fine line between being a decent person and a complete wanker.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Good luck to you.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Parris. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Charity fundraiser finally admits he does it to make
0:11:30 > 0:11:33his friends feel shit.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Right wing fish see floating plastic as healthy sign
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- of free market economy. - And Tom Cruise to
0:11:39 > 0:11:43star in Mission Really Tricky But Clearly Not Unachievable.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48But first, a man has ruined a weekend away
0:11:48 > 0:11:51with his girlfriend by saying what he was thinking.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Our reporter, Emma Bradford, is at the scene.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Martin Bishop and Eleanor Shaw had stopped at a cosy country pub
0:11:59 > 0:12:03after a romantic walk when Ms Shaw looked up meaningfully at Bishop
0:12:03 > 0:12:07and asked what he was thinking at that very moment.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11The weekend was about to go very wrong indeed.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15I was hoping he would say, maybe,
0:12:15 > 0:12:19"This would be a great place to bring the kids one day."
0:12:20 > 0:12:25Or even something corny but sweet, like,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29"I have everything I'll ever need right here."
0:12:29 > 0:12:31And what did you say, Martin?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I said, "Pigs are much bigger than you expect."
0:12:39 > 0:12:40We'd just seen some pigs.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44One of them was so big, you could ride it.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49More from us later.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53APPLAUSE
0:12:53 > 0:12:55So, let's take a look now at the special
0:12:55 > 0:12:59relationship between the US and the UK, a relationship so special,
0:12:59 > 0:13:03only one side is really aware that it's a relationship.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05The status of the special relationship has been
0:13:05 > 0:13:08examined this week after Donald Trump's announcement that he
0:13:08 > 0:13:10will not be visiting to open the new US Embassy,
0:13:10 > 0:13:12an announcement he made via a statement crafted
0:13:12 > 0:13:15with his chief of staff and his press secretary,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17following several...
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Ha-ha! No! It was on Twitter, probably while he was on the toilet.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Because nothing matters any more.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Trump also blamed the decision to sell the embassy
0:13:26 > 0:13:28and the price it was sold for on Barack Obama.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Now, this almost goes without saying,
0:13:31 > 0:13:32but that is complete nonsense.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Those decisions were taken under George W Bush.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38At this point, Trump may as well change the motto under the
0:13:38 > 0:13:40American Seal from "E pluribus unum"
0:13:40 > 0:13:43to "Blameus itus on the blackus guy."
0:13:45 > 0:13:48In response, London Mayor Sadiq Khan said that Donald Trump is not
0:13:48 > 0:13:52welcome here, leading Boris Johnson to call Khan a puffed up,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54pompous popinjay.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Now, I can't be the only Asian who heard puffed up and then pompous
0:14:00 > 0:14:03and then was relieved he didn't end on a very different P word.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Also, Boris Johnson accusing Sadiq Khan of being pompous
0:14:08 > 0:14:12is like Sadiq Khan accusing Boris Johnson of being Sadiq Khan.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17The whole incident ended yet another contentious
0:14:17 > 0:14:20week for the president after allegations that having been
0:14:20 > 0:14:23brought a bipartisan immigration bill, discussions stalled
0:14:23 > 0:14:25when Trump demanded to know why
0:14:25 > 0:14:28so many immigrants from so-called "shithole countries,"
0:14:28 > 0:14:31referring to Haiti, El Salvador and the whole of Africa, were
0:14:31 > 0:14:34coming to the States and why there weren't more immigrants from Norway.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37CNN described the remarks as "racially charged",
0:14:37 > 0:14:41but that really undersells it. This is undeniable racism.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45The comments were initially denied by White House spokesperson
0:14:45 > 0:14:47and token brown guy Raj Shah.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Raj Shah. Raj Shah...
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Raj Shah sounds like a white person had to invent a brown
0:14:54 > 0:14:56person at short notice.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Trump then went on to say this:
0:15:00 > 0:15:02No, no. I am not a racist.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06I am the least racist person you have ever interviewed.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07That, I can tell you.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14The least racist person you've ever interviewed.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Trump having cleverly chosen there an interviewer who'd been
0:15:18 > 0:15:22cryogenically frozen since conducting her last interview in Germany in 1943.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27So, let's look at that least racist person claim, right.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30In the past, Trump had tried to ban African-Americans from
0:15:30 > 0:15:32living in properties in his developments.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34He's referred to Mexicans as rapists,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37and his whole political career only started
0:15:37 > 0:15:40when he was asserting that Barack Obama wasn't born in America.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43We're at the point where this man couldn't be more racist
0:15:43 > 0:15:47if his Amazon recommended products were bedsheets, crosses and fire.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Being nice to Trump doesn't actually do anything.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57Theresa May went and held his hand, and he still slapped a 220% tax
0:15:57 > 0:16:00on British-made planes to protect American industry.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02And America is the largest investor in the UK.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05But much of that investment is in the financial sector.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08That investment hasn't been jeopardised by Sadiq Khan,
0:16:08 > 0:16:13it's been jeopardised by us telling the EU to go fuck itself because "blue passports!"
0:16:16 > 0:16:18It comes down to a simple question.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Do we condemn the President of America's obvious racism,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23or do we roll over in front of it?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Of course Boris Johnson has shrugged off prejudice
0:16:26 > 0:16:29given that he's in the past used the slur "picaninnies"
0:16:29 > 0:16:31and accused Barack Obama of having an ancestral
0:16:31 > 0:16:35dislike of Britain owing to his part-Kenyan heritage.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38In fairness, I also have an ancestral dislike of Boris Johnson,
0:16:38 > 0:16:42in the sense that I come from a long line of people who hate racists.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46And people who defend him saying, "Oh, he's not racist, he's just playing a character."
0:16:46 > 0:16:51To them I reply, "Yes, and he's been playing that character 24 hours a day, seven days a week."
0:16:51 > 0:16:57That is the kind of method acting even Daniel Day-Lewis would describe as being a bit much.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Look, instead of buddying up to Trump,
0:17:06 > 0:17:12we should be allying ourselves with those Americans who are engaged in resisting this racist president.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Because, ultimately, regardless of the actions of our governments,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I genuinely believe that a special relationship
0:17:18 > 0:17:21exists between the people of our two countries.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23And I have evidence of this.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Just the fact that America voted in Trump
0:17:25 > 0:17:29shows their commitment to the special relationship.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34Because they saw us commit geopolitical suicide with Brexit,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37and instead of thinking, "Well, we should avoid that land mine."
0:17:37 > 0:17:39They reacted like this.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41"Not on your own, little buddy."
0:17:45 > 0:17:49And so, now, we're just going hand-in-hand off the edge
0:17:49 > 0:17:52of a cliff like Thelma and Louise at the end of the film.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a relationship that's truly special.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Woman surprised to still be overweight
0:18:06 > 0:18:07despite having running app.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Tough-guy cyclist asserting authority with tinkle-tinkle bell.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Gilet wearer admits his arms have been cold for years.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27But first - beavers, cocks and tits are three great species of animal,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30but zoologists have finally submitted to the
0:18:30 > 0:18:33forces of sexual innuendo, and agreed to rename them.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Professor Henry Brubaker is in our Cardiff studio.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Professor, what's the problem with the original names for these animals?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Well, last year I personally undertook
0:18:43 > 0:18:46a study of amphibious mammals that ended in a legal...
0:18:46 > 0:18:50problem when I sent a picture for my work e-mail simply titled
0:18:50 > 0:18:52"Check out this wet, hairy beaver."
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Which is exactly what we're seeing here.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00No, Susan, as of this week, that is a river dog.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03And it's not the only one. So, take a look at this animal.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04A cock?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06He chicken.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09And... And here we have some...
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Tits.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12European robins.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14And then this one.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Monkey?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20No, that little chap actually was called a cock-eared fuckthumper.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23But from now on it's just a monkey, yeah.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26But renaming animals to avoid childish sniggering,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- is this really worthwhile? - Debatable.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31It may well be that if we wish to stimulate interest
0:19:31 > 0:19:34in the natural world, animals should have even ruder names.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Would teenagers not be more receptive to the plight of the Asiatic fox
0:19:38 > 0:19:41if it were called the red spunker?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Would the orangutan not have more charitable sponsors
0:19:43 > 0:19:46if rechristened the flame-haired fannyman?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50It certainly would, Professor. Thank you.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Please welcome to the show the voice of Conservative Britain, Geoff Norcott.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Hello. Thank you. Thank you.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04What do you reckon?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07They seem pretty liberal this week, mate.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I can smell the sourdough bread from here.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Geoff, what are we talking about this week?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- We're talking about toxic masculinity.- Really?
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Yeah. Fundamentally, mate, Nish, men are confused. We are conflicted.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20We don't know what we're supposed to be any more,
0:20:20 > 0:20:22how we should live our lives.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Particularly in the realm of fatherhood.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25What kind of father should we be?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27And I'd like to draw your attention first to this image.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Now, a lot of you looking at that are probably thinking,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34isn't that sweet? A man perfectly at ease with his child in a papoose.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36But a lot of people are also thinking what I'm thinking,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39which is "bellend". He looks like a bellend, doesn't the?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43There's no getting away from it. All men in papooses look like bellends.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45We didn't pixelate his face for legal reasons,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I did that to protect his shame.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48LAUGHTER
0:20:48 > 0:20:53- Come on, Geoff.- Look at the kid's face, mate! He knows, look!
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Not even two, and he knows that he's strapped to a muppet.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Geoff, Geoff, Geoff.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Toxic masculinity isn't just about the things you don't
0:21:01 > 0:21:04like about, sort of, being a modern bloke.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06It's become a hot button issue while we've been off the air.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08The whole "Me Too" campaign.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Toxic masculinity is just about us re-evaluating
0:21:11 > 0:21:15the self-destructive norms that we attach to typical male behaviour.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18We're just trying to be better men, that's all it is.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19- You must know that. - Yeah, yeah, I know.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22But it just annoys me the way that legitimate stories like that,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24they get hijacked by the left-wing press
0:21:24 > 0:21:27to promote a view of masculinity that they find acceptable.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31So, there was this one article on that subject that did very well in the Guardian.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35It did well, it got 44,000 shares,
0:21:35 > 0:21:40and it was written by Jordan Stephens, one half of Rizzle Kicks.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42And it included the following, which was the lines:
0:21:48 > 0:21:50It's nice being told how to be a sensitive man
0:21:50 > 0:21:54by the 25-year-old co-author of Mama Do The Hump.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55LAUGHTER
0:21:55 > 0:21:59And if he is a feminist, right, why does only Mama get to do the hump?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Surely the humping workload should be split straight down the middle. - OK, Geoff, look.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Look, Geoff, I can see why you're challenged by this, because
0:22:06 > 0:22:10you're the kind of man who gets uncomfortable with male emotions.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11- Not true.- OK.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19OK, fine. Here's a simple question.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Should it be OK for a man to cry in public?- It should.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24But it's not, is it? Let's be honest.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27It's like... It's one of those platitudes you can trot out.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29"Yeah, no, it's absolutely fine."
0:22:29 > 0:22:31But then you see it and you're like, "Oh, that's not good."
0:22:31 > 0:22:35I mean, it's weak and it's pathetic, and I won't stand for it.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Because... APPLAUSE
0:22:37 > 0:22:40There you go. That's women clapping, that is.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:44They're sick of it, Nish.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Right, this is all because you're some kind of tough guy?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49No, no. Far from it. I cry a lot.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Believe me, as I've hit middle age it's replaced masturbation
0:22:51 > 0:22:53as the thing I need to do...
0:22:53 > 0:22:56The thing I need to do in order to sleep.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Like, there's still tissues by the bed,
0:22:57 > 0:23:01but the reasons are much sadder. You know...
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Geoff, first of all, it's a haunting image.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Secondly, I mean,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10don't you think that heterosexual women want emotionally
0:23:10 > 0:23:14intuitive men rather than a sort of return to unreconstructed manliness?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17No, they want both. Do you know what I mean?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Maybe the lovely ladies in here,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22some of them, they might want blokes who read poetry,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25but equally, there are a lot of women that want their fella
0:23:25 > 0:23:28to stop crying and bleed the fucking radiator, let's be honest.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Am I right, ladies? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:31 > 0:23:34You didn't expect that reaction, did you, mate?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Cos they know what I know, which is sometimes you just need to man up.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39OK, look, the phrase "man up",
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I mean, you've hit on something quite important here.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45That phrase is really a problem for a lot of people.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Oh, why, is it banned by the feminazis?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53OK, that phrase is even more of a problem for even more people.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I think by that reaction you might be right.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58It's like you're playing problematic minesweeper.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59LAUGHTER
0:23:59 > 0:24:02The thing is, it's not just its impact on women.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05A phrase like "man up" also puts undue pressure on men.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- Have you ever considered how saying "man up" makes men feel?- Yeah, yeah.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- And honestly, I think they need to man up. I think that's... - LAUGHTER
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I think that's what the phrase is there for,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19it's for people that are intimidated by phrases, you know?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21And also it's just a convenient figure of speech.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Like, if I'm sharing a hotel room with my mate and he says, "Can we sleep with the light on?"
0:24:25 > 0:24:28What else am I supposed to say in that situation?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32"Come on, Wayne, find your non-gender specific inner fortitude, will you?"
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Geoff, listen, change is happening whether you like it or not.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Fine, maybe we should ban all gender specific language. Male or female.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Like women's intuition, yeah? - Why would you ban that?
0:24:42 > 0:24:46What about all those women that have got no intuition at all?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Never know what's going on. Never able to read a room.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51That poor, confused lady there,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54she's still wondering why I haven't put anything into Room 101.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56She doesn't know... She's got no idea.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I just want to clarify.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02You're not denying the significance of the sex scandals that have been happening?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05No, absolutely not. I'm glad that those arseholes got called out, absolutely.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Yeah, good.- And also it pisses me off, d'you know what I mean?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10You got those people, they are ruining it, really,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12those sleazebags, for nice guys like me.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16I just wanted quietly enjoy my male privilege, but oh, no...
0:25:16 > 0:25:17OK. That is... That is not what I meant.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20We had it good, the patriarchy, didn't we? But they...
0:25:20 > 0:25:23That is the absolute opposite of what is supposed to be happening.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25It doesn't mean all aspects of masculinity need to change.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28There used the one place where it was good to be a tough guy,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31where it was important, but that's gone.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35We all heard about those recent new adverts for the British Army.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- There's one advert in particular I'd like to focus on, which is this one.- Yeah.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Going to need some water for that. - Cheers, kid.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23So, is this what the Army is about now, is it? Eh?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Crying and sniffing teabags?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27LAUGHTER
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Geoff, look, it's just a symbol of home.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32But you've got to be realistic about what is
0:26:32 > 0:26:34required in the theatre of war, right?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37He's crying at that, he's not going to be any good on foot patrol, is he?
0:26:37 > 0:26:42The bloke that cries sniffing a teabag can hardly be relied upon to torch a village.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Have you...?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Again, it's the same people applauding, and I'm quite concerned.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- Notice they put them at the back, though?- Yeah.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Listen, Geoff, we're running out of time.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05but I'm determined to get you to open up a bit.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Is there anything that you want to take this opportunity now to sort of get off your chest?
0:27:09 > 0:27:10No.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Dad never took me fishing.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16LAUGHTER
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- Ladies and gentlemen, Geoff Norcott! - Thank you.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Right, let's go over to Rachel at the social media wall
0:27:22 > 0:27:25to get a very quick update on the best messages coming in from you guys
0:27:25 > 0:27:28about the stories we've covered tonight. Rachel?
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Thank you, Nish.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34I'm getting a huge amount of abuse for talking about harassment, as you can imagine.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36So please, please do keep that coming in.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42One of the cleaner comments I've had came in from Phil In The Gaps who says:
0:27:46 > 0:27:50I hear you, Phil. Silent But Violent asks:
0:27:58 > 0:28:03And finally, Real Lady comes out in defence of President Trump.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05She says:
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- Back to you, Nish. - Thank you, Rachel Parris.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:18That's all from The Mash Report, we'll be back next week with
0:28:18 > 0:28:22more atypical analysis and alternative facts. Good night.