0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Hello and welcome to The Mash Report, the fake news show
0:00:30 > 0:00:33that every day gets a little closer to being the actual news.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35So much to talk about this week.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37In America, the government briefly shut down,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40and how did President Trump reassure the American people
0:00:40 > 0:00:42that he was still hard at work? He released this photo.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49He has no paper and no files.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53This image is basically a man who has never done a day's work
0:00:53 > 0:00:57in his life doing what he thinks work looks like.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Also, worryingly, there's more on the desk
0:00:59 > 0:01:02in the pretend Oval Office at Madame Tussaud's.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07And perhaps even more concerningly...
0:01:07 > 0:01:11..the real Trump looks less presidential than the one
0:01:11 > 0:01:12that's made of dead candles.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17The White House was pretty clear on who they felt was to blame.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19If you called the White House during the shutdown,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21you'd get this genuine voicemail.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Wow.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50That is the White House being passive aggressive
0:01:50 > 0:01:52via the medium of voicemail.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57It's so '90s, they may as well send every US citizen a fax saying,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"Talk to the hand."
0:01:59 > 0:02:02In the UK, the Jewish Labour Movement has criticised
0:02:02 > 0:02:05the party for failing to address an enormous backlog
0:02:05 > 0:02:07of complaints about anti-Semitism.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12"We abhor anti-Semitism in all its forms," said, amazingly, no-one.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Labour's stance on anti-Semitism remains similar
0:02:15 > 0:02:16to its stance on Brexit.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20It's basically the three dots typing symbol, and the best case scenario
0:02:20 > 0:02:23is that, next week, it'll be upgraded to a shrugging emoji.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Then, on Tuesday night, the Financial Times broke the grim story
0:02:29 > 0:02:32of a charity event at the now closed establishment,
0:02:32 > 0:02:36the Presidents Club, at which no women were allowed.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39First of all, that is incredibly pathetic.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42The whole thing sounds like the dream of an eight-year-old boy.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Oh, when I grow up, I'm going to make a cool club
0:02:45 > 0:02:47and it's going to be called the Presidents Club.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49And there'll be no girls allowed!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Unfortunately, there were women in attendance
0:02:54 > 0:02:58but purely in servile roles, as scantily clad waitresses,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01allegedly subjected to sexual harassment and assault.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Many of the attendees claimed to not have seen this or to not have
0:03:04 > 0:03:07been aware it occurred but you have to wonder what they were expecting,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10given the event required a signing of a disclaimer
0:03:10 > 0:03:14saying that they shall not be held liable for any actions
0:03:14 > 0:03:17of its members, staff or event attendees
0:03:17 > 0:03:19that amounts to harassment.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Now, if you turn up at a zoo and the owners run up to you and say,
0:03:23 > 0:03:27"Hey, if a lion eats you, it's not our fault," you know three things.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Number one, the lions aren't in their cages.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Number two, through no fault of your own,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34you may be about to be eaten by a lion.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37And, number three, the people running the zoo
0:03:37 > 0:03:39are complete pieces of shit.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And now over to the Mash newsdesk for the headlines.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51The latest headlines.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55"Just remember who's the real fucking Princess here," says Kate Middleton.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02"I'm banning really shit Ed Sheeran songs from my wedding,"
0:04:02 > 0:04:03says Ed Sheeran.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09And woman saves time on baking by just begging people to like her.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14But, first, with UKIP members
0:04:14 > 0:04:16yet again unhappy with their party leader,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19members have made themselves a new one from old clothes
0:04:19 > 0:04:22stuffed with newspaper and a balloon for a head.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29After issues with its leader shagging the wrong sort of racist,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32or suddenly wandering off to kiss Donald Trump's bum,
0:04:32 > 0:04:36grassroot members decided to hand build their inspiring new chief,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38named Winston Balloonhead.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Winston is already the best leader we've ever had
0:04:41 > 0:04:43because he hasn't done anything mind-bogglingly
0:04:43 > 0:04:47stupid, like leaving his wife for a cat that looks like Hitler,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50although that may just be because we didn't give him a cock.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Earlier, we were able to secure an interview with Mr Balloonhead.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00I intend to lead UKIP to greater political achievements than
0:05:00 > 0:05:02ever before, and maybe even get an MP.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05That's after I've been to the pub and got shitfaced on real ale
0:05:05 > 0:05:08because I'm just an ordinary balloon bloke.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10# Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the... #
0:05:10 > 0:05:12POP!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I'm sure we're all wishing the new UKIP leader a speedy recovery.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23The biggest wanker from your school is living in Dubai now.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Called Michael Something, the rugby-obsessed dickhead either works
0:05:35 > 0:05:39for a bank or designs swimming pools for people with massive guard dogs.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Earlier, we caught up with Mike Or Whatever at his soulless,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46large flat that was built by slaves.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49The expat community here is full of people we really get along with.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I call them "quality people."
0:05:51 > 0:05:53We don't pay any tax and we have jet skis.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56They're like these little boats that you stand up on
0:05:56 > 0:05:59and you go round and round in circles until you get bored.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00It's the bollocks.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03We'll be back with more later.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10This has been a week of public apologies.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Jo Marney, the UKIP leader's girlfriend, said sorry for
0:06:13 > 0:06:17texting racist remarks about Prince Harry's girlfriend to a friend.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20And MP Ben Bradley apologised for his comments about police brutality
0:06:20 > 0:06:23and making unemployed people have vasectomies.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Rachel, I think you have something to say about these apologies
0:06:26 > 0:06:27and public apologies in general.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Parris.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Thank you.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Thank you, and thank you, Nish. And Nish, I forgive you.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- I didn't apologise for anything. - Oh, dear.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Well, that leads us perfectly into this week's topic
0:06:48 > 0:06:51and perhaps you should pay very careful attention, Nish.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Again, I'm not sure what I'm apologising to or for,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I don't know what's going on.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Quite. Now...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01We've all been in the situation where we've accidentally made
0:07:01 > 0:07:04an egregious racial slur or suggested an unemployed person
0:07:04 > 0:07:06should be sterilised.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09That kind of thing can slip out of anyone's mouth.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13So, this is my handy guide to making a public apology.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17First up, we have the "It was taken out of context" apology.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19This week, Jo Marney,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21the girlfriend of UKIP leader Henry Bolton,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24apologised for saying that Prince Harry's black American fiancee...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Now... I know what you're thinking, Nish.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37What on earth is wrong with that?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Right?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- That is the exact opposite of what I was thinking.- Really?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Wow, I thought I could read your mind but, no, you're a mystery.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Well...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Well, actually, Nish, believe it or not,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57some people have detected a hint of a racist undertone there.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01And it's prompted poor Jo to issue a statement saying
0:08:01 > 0:08:06"the opinions have, to an extent, been taken out of context."
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Of course, there was a perfectly reasonable, hidden context,
0:08:09 > 0:08:13and I, for one, think that that context was one of celebration.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I imagine that the original conversation
0:08:16 > 0:08:18went something a bit like this.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33And, quite possibly, when she went on to describe
0:08:33 > 0:08:38Islam as "the cancer of this earth," the context was probably just
0:08:38 > 0:08:41a whimsical discussion about what star sign each religion might be.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Next up, we have the "Pardon my French" apology.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54MP Ben Bradley this week issued an apology for saying,
0:08:54 > 0:08:55during the London riots,
0:08:55 > 0:08:59that he was looking forward to the police playing "Splat the chav."
0:09:01 > 0:09:03He said, "I apologise for these posts..."
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Well, Nish, I think we can all agree that the main problem with
0:09:10 > 0:09:12what he said is indeed one of vocabulary.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16It would have been absolutely fine if, instead of saying
0:09:16 > 0:09:19"splat the chav" he'd said that the police should "crush the poor."
0:09:20 > 0:09:23That's a phrase we can all get behind, isn't it, Nish?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25That is absolutely not a phrase we can all get...
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I don't know why these people are laughing at that.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29I do.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33And, finally, we have not a recent one
0:09:33 > 0:09:37but a vintage classic in the oeuvre which we can still learn a lot from.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39The "If I did that" apology.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Kevin Spacey had to apologise for the accusation that he'd
0:09:42 > 0:09:44climbed on top of then 14-year-old actor
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Anthony Rapp in a bedroom at a party.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48And he said...
0:09:55 > 0:09:58So, essentially, he's saying, "I mean, yeah, sounds like me
0:09:58 > 0:10:01"but I can't be expected to remember every single time
0:10:01 > 0:10:04"I've jumped on top of a minor and tried to shag it." Be more specific!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I hear you, Kev.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Nish, let's try the "If I did that" apology in action.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14- OK, go on, yeah.- So, ready?- Yeah.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Nish, I apologise for calling you a nonthreatening, beta male who's
0:10:18 > 0:10:22tailor-made for the friend zone in last week's show, if I did.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- I mean, you absolutely did.- Well, if I did, Nish, then I'm sorry.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29No, there's no if. We have it on camera.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31It's been broadcast, 12 million people have seen it on Facebook.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- Nish, if I said that, I apologise. - I mean, I don't actually mind.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37That's good because I didn't actually apologise.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47And we can really see how effective that is
0:10:47 > 0:10:49because now Nish is thinking that I'm great,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51and is starting to wonder if I even did say that,
0:10:51 > 0:10:56despite the fact that I definitely did and I definitely meant it. So...
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Hopefully, the next time you make a faux pas,
0:10:58 > 0:11:02like forgetting a birthday or assaulting a teenager...
0:11:02 > 0:11:04you'll know exactly how to make amends.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09Straight back, good vocab, and show no remorse. Back to you, Nish.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Thank you, Rachel Parris!
0:11:13 > 0:11:14And now onto Brexit.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16This week, farmers have warned that they may be
0:11:16 > 0:11:19hit by a shortage of migrant workers because of the terms of Brexit.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21They've blamed "the uncertainty"
0:11:21 > 0:11:24and claimed it's been harder than ever to recruit staff.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25To get to the bottom of this issue,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28please welcome our rural affairs correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Thank you.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Ooh-ar.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Ooh-ar.- Ooh-ar.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44So, Andrew, if farms can't hire migrant workers, which
0:11:44 > 0:11:47they've sort of traditionally done, that's a really bad thing, right?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Yes, it's a bad thing.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Some farmers have complained about fruit rotting in their fields.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Others about how a shortage of workers has led to
0:11:55 > 0:11:57fewer potatoes being planted.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- And you know what that means. - What does that mean?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03That the traditional British meal of fruit and chips is in big trouble.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- OK. Fruit and chips is not a thing, Andrew.- Not for long, Nish.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Not for long.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18So, I wanted to investigate this a bit further.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21So, I got my wellies on, I put a bit of hay in my mouth,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23and I went down to a farm.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29I have heard that on some farms there is food rotting in the fields.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- Can that be true?- Very true.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Anything that is not of perfect quality
0:12:34 > 0:12:36would tend to get left to rot,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40as shown down here on the floor and, of course,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43we must have sufficient labour to pick,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47and we have left apples in places where we didn't have enough pickers.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Why haven't you had enough pickers?
0:12:48 > 0:12:54The agents reported the phones stopped ringing on Friday the 24th.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56The 24th June, 2016, the day after the referendum?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- The day after the referendum. - Really, that abrupt?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01It was that quick. Why go to work somewhere where
0:13:01 > 0:13:03you're being told you're not wanted?
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Do you think we will ever have
0:13:04 > 0:13:07apples clever enough to pick themselves?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10How would you get them into the bin?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- They'd have to throw themselves into the bin.- Yes.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- So I think you've answered your own question.- Yep.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19OK, there are fewer EU workers
0:13:19 > 0:13:22but I'm sure the great British public will roll up their sleeves,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25get their hands dirty and save our farms.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28We're looking to recruit for an amazing job opportunity.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30It involves fresh air, adorable animals,
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- and an endless supply of food. Are you interested?- Yes.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36OK, you will have to kill the animals
0:13:36 > 0:13:38and you're not allowed to eat any of the food.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- Are you still interested?- No.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Why do you think British people don't want to work on farms?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Cos they're lazy.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48They all think a day's work is like nine in the morning till four
0:13:48 > 0:13:51in the afternoon with a f... lunch break.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Why are you here?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56People need to eat! Get to the farms! All of you, get to the farms!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Can I ask, did you grow that sandwich yourself?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01No, I didn't grow it myself.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Right, that's it, you can't have it. Sick of this.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08With little hope of recruiting British workers,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10it appears it's up to the government
0:14:10 > 0:14:13to look after our hard-working farmers. So, what's being done?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Do you think the government has farmers'
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- interests at heart concerning Brexit negotiations?- Not at all.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Our current Secretary of State, Michael Gove, is going
0:14:23 > 0:14:27around licking the nether regions of all interest groups,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- conservation, animal welfare... - Sorry, he's doing what?
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Well...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33He's being terribly nice to them
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- and purring all over them... - Right.- ..to try and say,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38"Trust me, I'll raise standards."
0:14:38 > 0:14:41So, there's no actual licking of nether regions going on?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43No, I'm sure he's an honourable married man.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46You have said in the past, "I hope those who voted Brexit
0:14:46 > 0:14:49"and who still want to eat British are prepared to go to
0:14:49 > 0:14:51"Lincolnshire in the winter to pick vegetables."
0:14:51 > 0:14:55My point was we should celebrate and be very grateful for people
0:14:55 > 0:14:58coming from other countries within the European Union who do
0:14:58 > 0:15:01want to pick Brussels sprouts and carrots and potatoes.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Is it reasonable to ask anybody to go to Lincolnshire, though?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Well, I'm from Lincolnshire, so that's why I said that.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Right. Yes.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15A lot of people are worried about farms losing workers from the EU.
0:15:15 > 0:15:20To replace them, could we not replace pick your own fruit with...
0:15:20 > 0:15:22stun your own calf?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29I think that's a damn stupid suggestion, if I'm honest.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Strangle your own lamb?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I think you're just being silly.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Disembowel your own beaver?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I don't think so.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40OK, that's a no to all of those.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I think you're really being a bit of a bourgeois pillock, actually.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Sorry?- You're a bourgeois pillock.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Hm.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Before the Brexit vote, a lot of British farm work was
0:15:53 > 0:15:56done by a dedicated force of EU migrant workers.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59After Brexit, who knows? But I'll tell you one thing.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Rotting fruit, destitute farmers and a hungry nation
0:16:03 > 0:16:05are a small price to pay
0:16:05 > 0:16:07for taking back control.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15OK. That's all well and good, Andrew,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17but, in the interests of balance,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20we should say that a lot of farmers have actually praised
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Michael Gove for his work since becoming
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Secretary of State for Defra, making subsidies fairer, improving
0:16:25 > 0:16:29soil quality, and delivering a 25-year environmental plan.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Well, in all those plans, they never mention workers,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33not in their five-year departmental plan,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36certainly not in their 25-year environmental plan.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39The soil can be as fit as fuck, Nish, but...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43..if we can't pull crops out of it, what's the point?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46So, we have actually pressed Gove for a statement,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- and we have received one from Defra. - OK, I mean, I'm disappointed
0:16:49 > 0:16:51you couldn't get an actual interview with Michael Gove.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Yes, but, fortunately, I look like a young Michael Gove. So...
0:16:55 > 0:17:00- ..what I'm going to do... Right, here we go.- OK, what are you doing?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02This is an actual statement from Michael Gove
0:17:02 > 0:17:04but I'm not really Michael Gove.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Is that clear?- Crystal.- OK.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17"We must think about how to make sure the labour market
0:17:17 > 0:17:20"works effectively so businesses can continue to secure
0:17:20 > 0:17:22"a proper return on their investment.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26"And that means not just a flexible migration policy overall but,
0:17:26 > 0:17:31"as we leave the EU, ensuring access to seasonal, agricultural labour."
0:17:35 > 0:17:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:44 > 0:17:46I mean, we would need to hire a group of migrant workers
0:17:46 > 0:17:49to pick any detail out of that statement whatsoever.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- Well, actually, I've been perfectly clear...- Stop being Michael Gove!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up
0:17:56 > 0:17:58for the young Michael Gove, Andrew Hunter Murray!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10The latest headlines.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Man accidentally says "She'd get it," while watching TV with his mum.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Princess Eugenie wedding memorabilia to be exclusive to Primark.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26And men with extremely loud motorbikes,
0:18:26 > 0:18:28twats in other ways, too.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35But, first, the Loch Ness Monster, the Bermuda Triangle,
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Labour's position on Brexit -
0:18:38 > 0:18:41these are the great mysteries of our age.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45But, finally, Jeremy Corbyn's party has confirmed its Brexit stance,
0:18:45 > 0:18:50which is to say or do something distracting whenever it's mentioned.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Our reporter Nathan Muir caught up with party spokesman Donna Sheridan.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Half the Labour Party says one thing,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58the other half says something completely different.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Are you for or against leaving the single market?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05What... What's that dog doing?
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Donald Trump has confirmed his second year in the White House
0:19:12 > 0:19:16is to be just like the court of Jabba the Hut. Nathan...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18what are you hearing?
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Well, tonight,
0:19:19 > 0:19:24US government officials confirmed the President has gone full Jabba,
0:19:24 > 0:19:25eating live frogs from a jar,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28dressing his daughter in a metal bikini,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30and making her dance for him.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- Nathan, is that a little bit weird? - According to Trump, it's not weird.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"She's just a great mover."
0:19:38 > 0:19:40More from us later.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51The NHS turns 70 this year and, ironically, if it was
0:19:51 > 0:19:55a 70-year-old, it would currently be putting a huge strain on itself.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Here's an advert from the year it launched.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02This leaflet is coming through your letterbox one day soon.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Our plan is a service which will provide the best medical advice and
0:20:08 > 0:20:11treatment for everyone, every man, woman, and child in this country.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17It'll cover any medicines you may need, specialist advice,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20and, of course, hospital treatment, whatever the illness.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Special care for mothers and children,
0:20:23 > 0:20:25and a lot of other things besides.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28My first thought there is...
0:20:28 > 0:20:31it's weird to have to watch an advert for that long.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33I don't know if I've been watching too much YouTube but I can't have
0:20:33 > 0:20:37been the only one thinking, "Where's the skip ad button?"
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Sure, I love the NHS,
0:20:38 > 0:20:42but I want to see a compilation of cats playing the piano.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44This week, Boris Johnson announced he was going to ask for more
0:20:44 > 0:20:47money for the NHS in Tuesday's Cabinet meeting,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50to which Chancellor Philip Hammond responded...
0:20:50 > 0:20:53"Boris Johnson is the Foreign Secretary."
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Ho-ho-ho!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Looks like Phil's used the winter fuel allowance
0:20:58 > 0:21:00for one huge, sick burn.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07It does seem like Johnson is articulating the view of a large
0:21:07 > 0:21:10number of Tory voters, as a YouGov poll showed that 70% of them
0:21:10 > 0:21:13view the NHS as their biggest concern.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16The poll also showed only 34% of Conservative voters believe
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Jeremy Hunt should have held on to his job
0:21:18 > 0:21:20in the most recent reshuffle.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23The rumour is that Theresa May had planned to move him
0:21:23 > 0:21:25to Business and he simply refused.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28And, let me just say this, as someone who's been
0:21:28 > 0:21:32fired from various jobs, I respect the hell out of Jeremy Hunt.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I've never had the balls when someone says, "You're fired,"
0:21:35 > 0:21:40to just look them in the eye and say, "No. I want more."
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I'm going to remember that when they fire me from this job.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Not only am I staying at The Mash Report,
0:21:46 > 0:21:47I want Mock The Week as well,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50and, guess what, I'm coming for you next, the News!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Under Hunt and his predecessor Andrew Lansley,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02the NHS hasn't been getting enough money.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Funding increases are at an historic low,
0:22:04 > 0:22:08and social care cuts have put an extra strain on the NHS.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Inexplicably, some ministers have been trying to defend
0:22:11 > 0:22:14the government's record, which is hard.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18This is the least defensible record since my album of Disney covers,
0:22:18 > 0:22:19When You Nish Upon Kumar.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29That is not a Photoshop.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Margot James said the government believes in the NHS,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36and the previous week on Question Time, Dominic Raab claimed
0:22:36 > 0:22:39the government had provided more beds than ever before,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41a claim which proved to be false.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45And the weird thing about it is that I was on that Question Time.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49I was right there! You lied to me, Dominic! How could you?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I trusted you, man!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Even though, when I walked into the green room,
0:22:53 > 0:22:57and this is a true story, you were saying, "Nice to meet you, Nish,"
0:22:57 > 0:23:00to a man who turned out to be Gina Miller's brother.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Even though the show tweeted photos of all of us
0:23:06 > 0:23:09the day before so we all knew what each other looked like,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12you just ignored it, and went up to the first brown guy you saw
0:23:12 > 0:23:17and assumed he was me, even though he has glasses and no beard!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Look at him!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25So... We all know what the problem is, right?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28There's not enough money in the NHS but we've been told for the past
0:23:28 > 0:23:31ten years that there isn't enough money to go into public services.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33In fact, during the general election campaign,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Theresa May infamously said to an actual nurse...
0:23:36 > 0:23:39There isn't a magic money tree that we can shake that suddenly
0:23:39 > 0:23:41provides for everything that people want.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Look at her face.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52What Theresa May said there is the worst thing she's ever seen
0:23:52 > 0:23:54and she is a nurse.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57It's hard to swallow the idea that there isn't enough money,
0:23:57 > 0:24:01given the Prime Minister managed to find £1 billion to bribe the DUP.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Also, since 2010,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06successive governments have managed to find room for tax cuts,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09costing the public purse billions, both from the tax cut
0:24:09 > 0:24:13to the top rate of income tax and the cut to corporation tax.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16A policy so bad it was criticised by Deloitte.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20And Deloitte exist to help corporations avoid paying tax.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23It's like Wetherspoon's promoting Dry January.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28But Johnson isn't proposing reversing any of these tax cuts.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31He's claiming the money will come from "a Brexit dividend,"
0:24:31 > 0:24:33a term which he's not clarified.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Meanwhile, in the year after the Brexit vote,
0:24:35 > 0:24:40the number of EU nurses applying to join the NHS dropped by 96%
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and on Wednesday came the news that doctors from non-EU
0:24:43 > 0:24:47countries are struggling to get visas to fill urgent vacancies.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50In that poll of Tory voters, the number one concern was Brexit
0:24:50 > 0:24:54but the number three concern was immigration. And that's weird.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57They're worried about the NHS whilst stopping people coming
0:24:57 > 0:24:58to work for the NHS.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02That's like your number one concern being, "Do people think I'm a twat?"
0:25:02 > 0:25:03And your number three concern being,
0:25:03 > 0:25:07"Where can I get a personalised numberplate that says BON3RKING?"
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Johnson has no plan and he's just trying to appeal to voters.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17But there is no time for playing politics
0:25:17 > 0:25:19when people are literally dying in corridors.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23The advert we showed was about selling free health care to people.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27But now we all need to find a way of making it sustainable.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Perhaps the advert should look more like this.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34We need more fucking money. There is a magic money tree, Prime Minister.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35It's called rich people.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38So, just grab Richard Branson off his kite board
0:25:38 > 0:25:41and shake him by the ankles until old people stop dying.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42The NHS -
0:25:42 > 0:25:45because the only two certainties in life are death and taxes.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49If you don't have taxes... you've just got death.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52For God's sake.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Now let's head back over to the Mash newsdesk.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13The latest headlines. Yoga mat enters fifth year behind sofa.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Unstable friend somehow now a counsellor.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24And lobster can't believe he ended up in bloody Lidl.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31But, first, Remain voters are often accused of being elitist
0:26:31 > 0:26:32or out of touch.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Now, one man seeks to change this with an anti-Brexit acoustic gig
0:26:36 > 0:26:40at his local vegan arts cafe in a nice area of London.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Massage therapist and keen amateur guitarist Stephen Malley will
0:26:44 > 0:26:48perform his pro-Europe songs in the basement of Tofu Dove Arts Space,
0:26:48 > 0:26:52some of which are so deep they may trigger a second referendum.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I love the EU more than I love anything, except music.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58And we won't have any more music after Brexit,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01so I've written a song to express my feelings about Europe.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05I think anyone who hears it will want a second vote, you know.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Especially women.
0:27:10 > 0:27:16# 12 gold stars on a field of blue
0:27:16 > 0:27:20# Single market and free movement, too
0:27:20 > 0:27:24# And I will try...
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# To fix EU. #
0:27:32 > 0:27:33But that's all from us.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Rachel has been taking a look at your e-mails, texts, and tweets
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- on the story. What have you got for us, Rachel?- Thanks, Nish.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47@SexualEalingCommon has picked up on my piece
0:27:47 > 0:27:49on apologies from earlier saying...
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Thank you so much, SexualEalingCommon
0:27:59 > 0:28:01for that thoughtful rumination on apologies.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Now, Nish, of course, the apology I was hoping to receive
0:28:04 > 0:28:07was from your Question Time friend Dominic Raab saying,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10"Sorry for getting you muddled up with Gina Miller's brother."
0:28:10 > 0:28:13But I haven't had anything, I'm afraid.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16That's OK, Rachel. I've learnt to accept it.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20APPLAUSE
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Nish, am I allowed to say you're looking more handsome than usual?
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Thank you very much.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37On the dreadful flu that's going around, TrannyMagnet says...
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Now, we don't know for sure that TrannyMagnet is a qualified doctor
0:28:49 > 0:28:51but certainly the advice rings true,
0:28:51 > 0:28:53so probably just give that a go, don't you think, Nish?
0:28:53 > 0:28:57- Absolutely not. - Little peaky now. So...
0:29:00 > 0:29:02And here's an angry one about the royal weddings
0:29:02 > 0:29:04coming in from Slack Baddath.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Quite right. Just like the good old days, Slack Baddath.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19Sensible, money-saving tip, I say. Back to you, Nish.
0:29:19 > 0:29:20Thank you, Rachel Parris!
0:29:23 > 0:29:25That's all from The Mash Report this week.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27We'll be back next week for more headlines, news, and analysis.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31I'll leave you with the same words I said to Dominic Raab -
0:29:31 > 0:29:33I'm Nish Kumar. Good night!