0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Hello and welcome to The Mash Report.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32So much to talk about this week.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33There's the BBC pay gap.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36On Wednesday, Carrie Gracie spoke to a committee of MPs
0:00:36 > 0:00:40saying she was very angry about the plight of her female colleagues.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42The BBC has been accused of suppressing discussions
0:00:42 > 0:00:45about its gender pay gap, but if they think they can keep me quiet,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47they've got another thing com...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49LONG BEEP
0:00:49 > 0:00:52It's an absolute disgrace! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Disgusting!
0:00:55 > 0:00:59And that is what happens when you try and silence Kumar!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02In other news, on Tuesday night President Donald Trump
0:01:02 > 0:01:04gave his State of the Union address.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And to give you an indication of the state of this union,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10several invitations were sent out with this spelling error.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Yeah, that's right - "State of the Uniom."
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Commentators seem to agree that Trump struck a conciliatory tone.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20But that's a conciliatory tone for him.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23He still spoke absolute nonsense about immigration.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26What they mean is, a grown man spoke for an hour
0:01:26 > 0:01:28without using the words "rapists or "shithole."
0:01:28 > 0:01:32And then there was his bizarre performance choice.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36To protect our citizens of every background,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38colour, religion and creed.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Wow. He's clapping himself.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51That's the equivalent of me telling a joke and then taking
0:01:51 > 0:01:55a step back and saying, "Oh, man, pretty funny stuff!"
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Trump also tried to paint himself as the saviour
0:01:59 > 0:02:01of the American working-class. He clearly sees himself
0:02:01 > 0:02:04as a cross between Bruce Springsteen and the builder out of
0:02:04 > 0:02:05the Village People.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Or, basically, anyone in the Village People,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10apart from one of the Village People.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15The facts don't really match this idea.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18In fact, Trump's limited successes in his first year
0:02:18 > 0:02:22have almost universally adversely affected the working-class.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24What's clear is he cares as much about the working-class
0:02:24 > 0:02:27as he does about getting his five-a-day.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29He's rolled back legislation protecting workers' safety
0:02:29 > 0:02:33and human rights. He's consistently taken stances against
0:02:33 > 0:02:37workers' unions, and his historic tax reforms have done nothing
0:02:37 > 0:02:40but widen the wealth gap in the US, with some companies using them
0:02:40 > 0:02:43as an excuse to lay off thousands of workers.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Trump has proved himself about as friendly to working-class Americans
0:02:46 > 0:02:49as a model of the Monopoly man made of asbestos.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52So, following this, we've created our own response
0:02:52 > 0:02:54to his State of the Union.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57"Stop talking ship, you lying notherfunker.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58"Love, Nash."
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Ho-ho-ho-oh, man!
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Pretty funny stuff!
0:03:07 > 0:03:10And now let's go over to the Mash News Desk.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12APPLAUSE
0:03:15 > 0:03:18The latest headlines. As Dry January ends,
0:03:18 > 0:03:20boring bastards await further instructions.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Robots not thrilled by idea of working in Sunderland.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31And woman goes on mini-break while her husband has a shit.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37But first, women have told everyone to just "fuck off."
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Tired of being judged for choosing to have children,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46or not have children, to have children and go back to work,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48to have children and not go back to work,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51for being too thin, too fat, too pushy, too unambitious,
0:03:51 > 0:03:55too hot, not hot enough, or even for just daring to be alive,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59women have stressed that everyone can "go fuck themselves."
0:03:59 > 0:04:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Nathan Muir has been gauging the reaction,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12because apparently a man is the best person to report this story.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17If you have a vagina, people have the right to judge you
0:04:17 > 0:04:22on every single thing you do, even what you do with your vagina.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Or so it has been up until now.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I spoke to one of womankind, or the Clitarati...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:34..as no-one is calling them, about their backlash.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Enough's enough. The message is clear and the message is,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40you're right, we will do as you command.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Just kidding. It's fuck off.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46That's all from me.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:54 > 0:04:55We'll be back with more later.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Rachel Parris is at the Social Media Wall
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- taking your comments and queries. Rachel.- Oh, thank you.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07APPLAUSE
0:05:09 > 0:05:11That's right, Nish. Following on from your story earlier
0:05:11 > 0:05:13about Trump's State of the Union address,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15a lot of people have been e-mailing in about the
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Piers Morgan Trump interview.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20People are really confused! They're saying that Trump came across
0:05:20 > 0:05:23as a really sweet man, and yet normally he comes across
0:05:23 > 0:05:26as a semi-literate, divisive, would-be dictator.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"Which one is it, Rachel?"
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Well, let me help. This is my quick guide to the difference between
0:05:31 > 0:05:34hard-hitting journalism and a celebrity puff piece.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38So firstly, Nish, let's look at the staging of the interview.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Now, in a typical, robust political interview,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44think something like Frost/Nixon, the two opponents face off
0:05:44 > 0:05:47with several metres between them, no furniture blocking their path,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49there's nowhere to hide.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Whereas, in the Trump interview, the staging hinted
0:05:52 > 0:05:54at a greater intimacy between the two men.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Can you see the different style of interrogation there, Nish?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Yeah. I mean, not only can I see it, I'm concerned, Rachel,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16that I'll never be able to unsee it.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17We all feel that way!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22So Piers, from the very outset, has his face firmly lodged
0:06:22 > 0:06:25inside Trump's petite rectum, allowing him to more easily probe
0:06:25 > 0:06:28the President with punchy questions, such as...
0:06:30 > 0:06:31..and...
0:06:33 > 0:06:35These are things he really said?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Yes, Piers Morgan actually said these things!
0:06:39 > 0:06:42To determine whether you're witnessing serious journalism,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45a good start is taking a look at the previous work of the journalist.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50For example, this is Orla Guerin getting shot at in Libya.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Now, Nish, do you feel that you would trust her to do
0:06:52 > 0:06:53proper journalism?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Yeah, I mean, I'd trust her with my life from the looks of that thing.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I feel the same way! And this is John Simpson sitting down
0:06:58 > 0:07:01to do an interview with the brutal dictator Colonel Gaddafi.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Now, Nish, does this seem like a sort of lightweight puff piece?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Yeah. I mean, Gaddafi looks worryingly like me from behind.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10I didn't like to say.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15And then, on the other hand, this is Piers Morgan sat on a peach sofa
0:07:15 > 0:07:18demanding to know - is your baby a bigot?
0:07:24 > 0:07:25It's real.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Piers failed to challenge some of Trump's slightly wild assertions.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33For instance, his statement that...
0:07:35 > 0:07:37And they are, in a way.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40They're the smallest they've ever been.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Perhaps that's what Piers thought he meant and that's why
0:07:42 > 0:07:44he didn't challenge it.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Let's say that.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51However, Piers really should have challenged Trump's assertion
0:07:51 > 0:07:52that he has...
0:07:54 > 0:08:00Now, Nish, I hate to be a Facty Frances about it,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03but seeing as Trump is working to reduce access to family planning
0:08:03 > 0:08:06in both the US and the developing world, I think Piers
0:08:06 > 0:08:09could have afforded to show just a hint more scepticism.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Maybe something like this...
0:08:14 > 0:08:16But give Trump his due, in the interview he declared
0:08:16 > 0:08:19that he wasn't a feminist and, to be fair,
0:08:19 > 0:08:20he definitely isn't.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22So that shows real integrity, doesn't it, Nish?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Yeah, I mean, it's nice to hear him tell the truth for once in his life.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Exactly, that's my point!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29From here, Piers was able to speak for all of Britain
0:08:29 > 0:08:32and actually thank Trump for apologising for retweeting
0:08:32 > 0:08:34racist videos.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Nish, I loved it when Piers spoke for all of Britain, didn't you?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I can't think of anything I hated more.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43You're right, I agree. He's an everyman, Nish,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45he represents us all. He's me, except he's a man.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47He's you, except he's white.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50He's everyone, except he's not and he's worse.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:01So, no, it's not exactly the scrutiny you might hope
0:09:01 > 0:09:04a Nazi-backing leader of the free world might receive, Nish,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07but I'm sure we can all agree - so much more fun.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Thank you, Rachel Parris!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:14 > 0:09:17This week, Spiked, an online magazine, announced their annual
0:09:17 > 0:09:19free speech university rankings.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21These tables reveal to what extent free speech is being censored
0:09:21 > 0:09:23on university campuses.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26The figures show 94% are restrictive when it comes to free speech.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Universities have been introducing trigger warnings
0:09:29 > 0:09:31before sensitive material, safe spaces where people can go
0:09:31 > 0:09:33without fear of hearing anything offensive,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36and have no platformed or even disinvited particular speakers
0:09:36 > 0:09:39from campus, including activists like Germaine Greer
0:09:39 > 0:09:40and Peter Tatchell.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43So, are university students shutting themselves off
0:09:43 > 0:09:46from valuable debate? Who better to take on this delicate subject
0:09:46 > 0:09:49than the voice of Conservative Britain, Geoff Norcott!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you. Very kind.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Thank you.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58So, Geoff, you've been looking at free speech on university campuses.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00That's right. I've got my own VT.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Now, I'm going to take a wild guess and say you're not going into this
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- as a fan of safe spaces?- Mate, I'm going into this open-minded.- Great.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- Yeah, open-minded as to just how right I already am.- OK.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15It's been interesting, mate, doing this VT, getting out there,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18you know, talking to people, talking to different people,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21thinking about things. It's really opened my eyes, actually.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24That's great, Geoff. So you sort of broadened your horizons?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26No, no, it's opened my eyes as to just how much work goes into
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- those reports on The One Show. - Right.- I think...
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I think the main thing this VT has given me is new-found respect
0:10:35 > 0:10:36for Phil Tuffnell.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41When I think of university, I think of expanding the mind,
0:10:41 > 0:10:45whether through research and lectures or a shit tonne of drugs.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48But all of this is being threatened right now by the campus culture
0:10:48 > 0:10:50of so-called safe spaces.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Universities are increasingly taking it as their duty
0:10:53 > 0:10:57to protect students from dangerous thoughts, words and ideas.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Young people now aren't so much raging against the machine
0:11:00 > 0:11:03as going, "Oh, machine, please protect me from scary words,"
0:11:03 > 0:11:06like libtard. When did we become a society that was so afraid
0:11:06 > 0:11:08of insults? I mean, if you can't handle being offended,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10you're not going to go very far in the real world.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13The way I see it is you've got to be resilient because...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- Mind where you're going. - Fat wanker.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17LAUGHTER
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Smelly prick. - LAUGHTER
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Yeah, well, anyway. I sat down with Ella Whelan,
0:11:25 > 0:11:26a journalist and governor
0:11:26 > 0:11:29for the Down With Campus Censorship! campaign.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32When did this issue first raise its head?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35It's been happening for quite a long time, right from kind of
0:11:35 > 0:11:38the '80s and the '90s, and now it's reached its crazy point
0:11:38 > 0:11:41where we're banning sombreros, fancy dress,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- jokes, songs, speakers, books.- Yeah.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46But it has been brewing for a long time.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I've heard some safe spaces ban clapping.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I mean, who would be offended by clapping?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Well, so instead of clapping, you're meant to agree,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57disagree or not sure, and that's because the sound of clapping
0:11:57 > 0:12:00apparently can trigger people with nervous dispositions.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03What about people with Parkinson's who think that you're
0:12:03 > 0:12:04taking the piss?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I wouldn't know.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09So are you personally unoffendable?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12There must be something I could say that would give you the raging hump.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15No. So this is the whole point - I can be offended and I can feel
0:12:15 > 0:12:18upset and angry and hate you, but what I can't do is stop you
0:12:18 > 0:12:22from saying it. That's the difference between taking offence
0:12:22 > 0:12:24and being censorious on the basis of that.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27So you would defend my right to say that, you know, people on benefits
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- are- BLEEP,- who if I see them, I would- BLEEP- them in the- BLEEP,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- and then- BLEEP- them with a muffin?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Should I be able to say that?- Yes.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39You might not be a very nice person for saying it,
0:12:39 > 0:12:40but you should be allowed to say it.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42OK, wicked. Yeah, thanks.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46With the problem seeming worse than I first thought,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50there was only one place to go - the pub, where I met with
0:12:50 > 0:12:52free speech advocate Peter Tatchell.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55So it seems like censorship has gone crazy on campus.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Is that a fair reflection of what's happening?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01I think it's a bit exaggerated, but it's the National Union of Students'
0:13:01 > 0:13:06policy to ban speakers from six extremist organisations.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10The problem is that some student unions have interpreted
0:13:10 > 0:13:12the no platform policy more widely.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15How is this affecting education? I mean, aren't we just breeding
0:13:15 > 0:13:18a generation of snivelling little bell ends?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22I think it's reasonable that students should have protection
0:13:22 > 0:13:26against victimisation. I don't think they should have protection
0:13:26 > 0:13:30against ideas that they find disagreeable or even offensive.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33You know, some of the most important ideas in human history
0:13:33 > 0:13:35have caused great offence.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37So you talk about causing offence.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39If I was going to use the word "dickhead",
0:13:39 > 0:13:41do I need to issue a warning saying, "Heads up, guys,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I'm going to call someone a dickhead"?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Well, it's probably not the right word to use at all, full stop,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49in a civilised conversation.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52But if you are going to use it, then of course it's probably best to
0:13:52 > 0:13:56say, "I'm going to use some bad language, be warned."
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I agree, it's not that great a swear word.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I mean, I've got loads better ones than that.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01I'm sure you have.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Cock Womble.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06What is a cock Womble?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09It's a penis that clears up after itself.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Cock Wombles aside, it was starting to feel like
0:14:15 > 0:14:17you can't say nothing no more.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20It was time to go into the belly of the beast to see if I could
0:14:20 > 0:14:24toughen up these student snowflakes.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27You lot, your generation, you've had pretty cushy lives, right?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30But all we ever hear about is you're no platforming people,
0:14:30 > 0:14:34taking offence and worrying about where people are going to piss.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Now, I'm here to get you out of your safe spaces and into the real world.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42I get offended all the time, like on Twitter. Let's just have a look.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- "Geoff Norcott is a greasy - BLEEP- Conservative."
0:14:45 > 0:14:47"Xenophobe, the Warrior Prickcess."
0:14:49 > 0:14:50That's good, that's good.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52"Fat LeBlanc."
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Anyone want to leave? What about you, ginger beard?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Is that too much for you? Cos you could go, you could go
0:14:58 > 0:15:01whenever you want. The door is over there.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Look at your fucking eyebrows, mate.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Looks like two slugs are guarding your forehead.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09All right, fair enough, I'm impressed.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13So, to my surprise, they'd actually taken my insults pretty well.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17But what would these rucksack fucks be like at dishing it out?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Go on, insult me.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24Where did you pick that outfit, General White Man Emporium?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Yeah, whatever. What about you? You got anything?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- You're like the Daily Mail's wet dream.- Not bad.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Anybody else want to have a pop?
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Sorry, I do actually have one.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38When it rains in Wimbledon, do they use your forehead
0:15:38 > 0:15:39to cover the main court?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50So, it turns out 95% of students aren't that easily offended
0:15:50 > 0:15:52and generally don't give a shit.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56But the problem is, the 5% that do are the sort of lily-livered types
0:15:56 > 0:15:59that will seek out jobs of genuine influence...
0:15:59 > 0:16:00..or end up working for The Guardian.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- Ladies and gentlemen, Geoff Norcott! - Thank you.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Thanks very much.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Now let's get the latest headlines from the Mash News Desk.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24The latest headlines. Man who says "Correct me if I'm wrong..."
0:16:24 > 0:16:26has no intention of being corrected.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Meghan Markle to break with royal protocol
0:16:30 > 0:16:32and keep her personality after marriage.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38And man says "bosh" after completing even the most basic task.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45But first, the BBC has responded to criticism over its gender pay gap,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48saying it could pay women more if you bastards weren't all
0:16:48 > 0:16:49watching Netflix.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57The corporation said female talent would have more money
0:16:57 > 0:17:01if you just pay your licence fee instead of watching American drivel
0:17:01 > 0:17:04about superheroes, women's prisons and a weirdly attractive
0:17:04 > 0:17:07version of the royal family.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09iPlayer's got a really cool website where you can browse
0:17:09 > 0:17:12all our boxsets that kids today love so much.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15And we've got loads of thrillers that really tear the arse
0:17:15 > 0:17:18out of stories over too many episodes, just like Netflix.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20What more do you want?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- Is David Attenborough on Netflix? - Yeah.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Duplicitous old bastard!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Rich and good-looking people have been told to stop saying
0:17:30 > 0:17:32how sodding lucky they are.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37With fake humility experiencing a 708% uptake since 2004,
0:17:37 > 0:17:41people with enviable lives have been told to stop being grateful
0:17:41 > 0:17:44because it makes them just far more despicable.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49We are so lucky to have 12 types of quality soap in our four large,
0:17:49 > 0:17:53well-lit bathrooms. But our large portfolio of coastal property
0:17:53 > 0:17:55is nothing to do with us being amazing.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58We don't think we're amazing, we're just...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- We're just very lucky, aren't we? - We are so lucky, aren't we?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I mean, I just don't think we deserve it, really.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- I think I deserve it less than you. - No, no, no!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I deserve it less than you because I'm so lucky to have you,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- because you're so amazing. - Don't say I'm amazing!
0:18:11 > 0:18:15You're incredible. And the kids are so happy and healthy.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Their hair is so thick.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- We're very lucky.- Very lucky.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23We're joined by Professor Henry Brewbaker at
0:18:23 > 0:18:24the Institute for Studies.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Professor Brewbaker, if they're not lucky then what are they?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29They're arseholes.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:34 > 0:18:35More from us later.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Theresa May has been warned by hardline Brexiters
0:18:42 > 0:18:45in her party to clarify her Brexit position
0:18:45 > 0:18:46or face a no-confidence vote.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Feels like a long time ago since May's Lancaster House speech,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52when, despite having campaigned for Remain,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54she came out in favour of a Brexit so aggressive,
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Cafe Rouge would have to become Jeff's Red Caf.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01But tonight, I'm going to have a look at how all Leave campaigners
0:19:01 > 0:19:04have done is complain about the status of Brexit negotiations,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07but all they've offered in response is uncertainty and contradiction -
0:19:07 > 0:19:11two of Calvin Klein's more disappointing fragrances.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14It's hard to know what they want a post-Brexit Britain to look like.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17In the years leading up to the referendum, Nigel Farage
0:19:17 > 0:19:21posited Norway as an example to aspire to from outside the EU.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I have to say that everybody from David Cameron to half this panel
0:19:24 > 0:19:28say, "Wouldn't it be terrible if we were like Norway and Switzerland?"
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Really? They're rich, they're happy, they're self-governing.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34HE COUGHS: They're white.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Sorry, I had something in my throat.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41As I was saying, they're white.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Norway's predominantly white, but I'm sure that has nothing
0:19:45 > 0:19:48to do with it. But he changed his position in February of 2016,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51presumably because Norway's trade deal means they have to be part
0:19:51 > 0:19:54of the Schengen Area, meaning that they accept freedom of movement,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56which Farage in particular clearly doesn't want.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58To be fair to Nigel, he wasn't to know.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Norway buried this information deep in paragraph four
0:20:01 > 0:20:03of its Wikipedia page!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Damn those sneaky Vikings.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Another prominent Leave campaigner, Daniel Hannan, who'd also
0:20:10 > 0:20:12been pro the Norway model, now argues that we want to have
0:20:12 > 0:20:16access to the single market but not be a member of it, like Canada,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19echoing Brexit Minister's David Davis' suggestion
0:20:19 > 0:20:22that what the UK is looking for is a "Canada plus, plus, plus" deal,
0:20:22 > 0:20:26which doesn't sound so much like a trade deal as a channel that shows
0:20:26 > 0:20:28what happened in Canada three hours ago.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Negotiations for that deal took seven years, so does that mean
0:20:33 > 0:20:35we're going to negotiate for that long?!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Seven years is ages!
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Seven years ago, the phrase "I think Louis C.K. is the new Bill Cosby"
0:20:41 > 0:20:43had a completely different meaning!
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Now, we leave in March 2019, and even if it takes us half the time
0:20:50 > 0:20:52it took Canada to negotiate a deal with the EU,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54what happens in that period?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57We can accept a transition during the negotiations,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59where we continue to be governed by EU law.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02But that has been deemed unacceptable by Brexiters,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04like Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Truly the Laurel and Hardy of white male privilege.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13APPLAUSE
0:21:16 > 0:21:19So we've really got no idea what the hardline Leavers' vision
0:21:19 > 0:21:21is for post-Brexit Britain.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25This week, we did see a version which made for unpleasant reading.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28BuzzFeed obtained documents from the Department for Exiting the EU,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31which suggests that every version of Brexit would leave
0:21:31 > 0:21:33the country poorer.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35You've got to hand it to BuzzFeed,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37you can go there for incredible investigate journalism
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and figure out which Sex In The City character you are.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Obviously Miranda.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49There's not even any doubt that I'm Miranda. Anyway!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52This study has been dismissed outright by Leave campaigners
0:21:52 > 0:21:55with no alternative provided, with one exception -
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Jacob Rees-Mogg took time out from refusing Oliver Twist
0:21:57 > 0:22:02second helpings to appear on Sky News and point to a study
0:22:02 > 0:22:04by Patrick Minford from Cardiff University.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Minford has modelled a trade deal with the EU which he claims
0:22:07 > 0:22:10will increase Britain's GDP post-Brexit.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14But an analysis of this plan shows it will increase wage inequality
0:22:14 > 0:22:16and lead to what Minford describes as
0:22:16 > 0:22:19"the elimination of UK manufacturing."
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Now, this is a problem for two reasons.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24One, it directly contradicts Boris Johnson's vision
0:22:24 > 0:22:28for a liberal Brexit where everyone will be decently paid.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32And two, it's the elimination of UK manufacturing!
0:22:32 > 0:22:35How can that be a good thing when it's basically what every character
0:22:35 > 0:22:38is fighting against in all feel-good British movies?!
0:22:38 > 0:22:42What Minford is basically saying is, "Hey, Billy Elliot's dad,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44"you better hope your kid makes it as a dancer
0:22:44 > 0:22:47"cos you've got no future. And as for you, chaps from the Full Monty,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50"strip all you like, you can't waggle your dick at progress."
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Instead of solutions, all that's on offer
0:22:54 > 0:22:56is uncertainty and contradiction.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59So my question is this -
0:22:59 > 0:23:03why do hardline Brexiters have no idea what Brexit
0:23:03 > 0:23:04is going to look like?
0:23:04 > 0:23:09Daniel Hannan is supposed to have worked on this for 17 years.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Nigel Farage was one of the founders of UKIP 25 years ago!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Why in all of that time has no-one come up with a model
0:23:16 > 0:23:19better than "Canada plus, plus, plus,"
0:23:19 > 0:23:21or "Norway minus, minus, minus"?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24I'm just saying, if you devote a quarter of a century to something,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27you better have a plan for every scenario.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Hell, I'd expect them to have a plan for what happens if France
0:23:29 > 0:23:31kidnaps Adele!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38So without a clear direction about what the country's supposed to
0:23:38 > 0:23:41look like after Brexit, we're only left with two options -
0:23:41 > 0:23:44some version of a second referendum which, given how brutal the
0:23:44 > 0:23:47first one was, I'm not even sure that I want, and I'm,
0:23:47 > 0:23:51to quote my Twitter feed, "a Brexit bashing croissant fucker."
0:23:54 > 0:23:57That is not a Photoshop, I love a French pastry.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02If we don't go with that, then we end up with a Brexit no-one wants -
0:24:02 > 0:24:06not hard enough for the hardliners, not soft enough for everyone else.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07And you know what...
0:24:07 > 0:24:12maybe that's the Brexit that deep down we truly crave.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Think about it.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16If you want to truly reflect the values of this nation
0:24:16 > 0:24:21and its people, you need to give us a Brexit everyone complains about
0:24:21 > 0:24:23but puts up with anyway.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Basically, the Coldplay of Brexit.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27MUSIC: Viva La Vida by Coldplay
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Let's reunite the nation by giving us change that's really just
0:24:31 > 0:24:33a miserable compromise.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38And what's in this depressing caravan holiday of a Brexit?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Well, examples of this - out of the single market,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44but we always have to host Eurovision.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Blue passports, but they're A3, it's uncomfortable, you can't fit
0:24:48 > 0:24:50them anywhere!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Freedom of movement, but only on weekends.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Take that, all roads in Kent!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58We get 350 million quid a week for the NHS,
0:24:58 > 0:25:00but it's all in loose change!
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Investment bankers remain in London, but on the other hand,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07investment bankers remain in London!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10It's not the Brexit we want, it's the Brexit we deserve.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Thank you and God save the Queen!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:19 > 0:25:21You see?
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Do you hear that, Theresa? That is the will of the people.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Now it's time for an update from the Mash News Desk.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34The closing headlines.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Men who read aloud getting paid more than women who read aloud,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40and they both get more than you.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Taylor Swift fan's mind blown after hearing real music.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50And woman forgot to eat her lunch,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52but remembers to tell everyone about it.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58But first, the Tory party has been told
0:25:58 > 0:26:00it must unite for the greater good,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03despite consisting entirely of self-serving bastards.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Senior Tories have agreed to stop the infighting, like parents
0:26:08 > 0:26:11staying together for the kids although they hate each others' guts
0:26:11 > 0:26:13since Mum shagged Colin from work.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17It's about the country and the party as a whole.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22You know, the Cabinet really are a very talented bunch of people.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24You know, and not just a load of bastards I'd gladly run over
0:26:24 > 0:26:26with a tractor.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Especially Theresa, I mean, she is...
0:26:30 > 0:26:31..good.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37A woman who greets northerners by saying "ey up" thinks they like it.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Mary Fisher from Kent believes putting on a Yorkshire accent amuses
0:26:44 > 0:26:46her northern workmates and makes them feel at home.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49When they first arrive at the firm, the northerners always look
0:26:49 > 0:26:54a bit shy, so I say, "Ey heck, cup of tea, love?"
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I'm like an ambassador from the south.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I actually have an uncle from Peterborough,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00so I am part northern person.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02"T'mill's on fire!"
0:27:04 > 0:27:06And if you are a northerner who's sick of being patronised,
0:27:06 > 0:27:11visit the BBC northernperson.com website for tips, advice
0:27:11 > 0:27:12and lovely pictures of ferrets.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15That's all from us.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Let's get a quick update from Rachel at the Social Media Wall.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Thank you, Nish.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29The Venga Bus Is Coming has sent in a very interesting tweet
0:27:29 > 0:27:33about Wiki, the killer whale who's learnt to talk this week.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34He says...
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Jimmy Chunks picks up on the story about walk-on girls being banned
0:27:48 > 0:27:50from darts matches. He says...
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Jason SteakHam says...
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Yes, well, perhaps we still have a little way to go.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- Back to you, Nish. - Thank you, Rachel Parris!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25That's all from us this week.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Join us again next week on The Mash Report.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30I'm Mish Kumar, goodmight!