0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Hello and welcome to The Mash Report.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31What a week it's been.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Let's start with Donald Trump who, this week,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36tweeted a condemnation of the NHS.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38He said people were marching in the UK
0:00:38 > 0:00:41because the NHS was going broke and not working.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43That's not why they were marching.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45They were marching in support of the NHS.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49An American condemnation of the NHS is hard to swallow,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52given the American government spends a higher percentage of its GDP
0:00:52 > 0:00:53on health care than the UK,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56and the NHS covers the entire population,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58while over 28 million US citizens
0:00:58 > 0:01:00are left without health care coverage.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Health care is essentially like Russell Brand
0:01:02 > 0:01:06in that as bad as it is here, it's even worse in America.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Even more bizarrely, Jeremy Hunt responded. He said...
0:01:17 > 0:01:21So, just to summarise, this is Jeremy Hunt siding with the people
0:01:21 > 0:01:24who were protesting against Jeremy Hunt.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26He's basically speaking in defence of people
0:01:26 > 0:01:28who spell his surname with a C.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I'm definitely going to get tweets tomorrow that just say,
0:01:34 > 0:01:35"Jeremy Chunt?!"
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Listen, when it comes to Trump tweeting about the NHS,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42you only have to ask the only question
0:01:42 > 0:01:44every sane person has been asking every day
0:01:44 > 0:01:46since Trump became president -
0:01:46 > 0:01:48why?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Well, it could have something to do with Nigel Farage
0:01:50 > 0:01:52who was on Fox News on Monday talking about the NHS.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Bear in mind, this is Nigel Farage
0:01:54 > 0:01:56who used to constantly complain about this.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59You think you're going to be able to easily and freely...
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Why are you talking us down, Phil?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- Why are you being so negative about us?- What?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Why are you being so negative about us?
0:02:05 > 0:02:09I'm personally getting pretty tired of people talking down
0:02:09 > 0:02:13the United Kingdom, people talking down the City of London.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16So it might come as a bit of a surprise to see him go on Fox News
0:02:16 > 0:02:17to, you guessed it, talk Britain down.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22The problem is, you know, we just haven't got enough hospitals,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25we haven't got enough doctors, we haven't got enough facilities.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26That's one problem we've got.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Another big problem we've got is that the National Health Service
0:02:30 > 0:02:34has kind of moved into becoming the international health service.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35GROANING
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Oh, the hypocrisy, Nigel.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40After years of complaining about job-stealing foreigners,
0:02:40 > 0:02:44there he is on Fox News nicking the job of an ordinary, decent,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46hard-working American bigot.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50All we're asking for is consistency, Nigel.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55American jobs for American arseholes.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58In the UK, Theresa May has come under pressure from a group
0:02:58 > 0:03:01nicknamed the Brexit "dream team".
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Now this dream team is Michael Gove, Jacob Rees-Mogg
0:03:05 > 0:03:08and Boris Johnson, which is not so much a game
0:03:08 > 0:03:11of Snog, Marry, Avoid as it is a game
0:03:11 > 0:03:14of Avoid, Avoid, Restraining Order.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17The group are apparently manoeuvring for power
0:03:17 > 0:03:20if May decides the UK will remain in the Customs Union after Brexit.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24By the way, these cool names for hard Brexit supporters need to stop.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27The "dream team" just sounds like a troupe of male strippers.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34No-one's happy about it.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I'm stood in front of it. It makes me feel very uncomfortable.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40But if they have to have a nickname, I have some suggestions.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42The Three Horsemen of the Brex-pocalypse.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Goldilocks and the Two Squares.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46The Three Egos.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Atomic Shitten.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Or...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Or, my favourite, Three Bellends Outside Ebbing, Missouri.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Now over to the Mash news desk for the latest headlines.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10The latest headlines:
0:04:10 > 0:04:14New Brexit report finds not trading with people may affect trade.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Winter Olympic organisers admit concern over North Korean bobsleigh.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25And Big Mac celebrates 50th birthday
0:04:25 > 0:04:28that Big Mac fans will never live to see.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33But first, experts believe Jeremy Corbyn's fans
0:04:33 > 0:04:35are the first example of a personality cult
0:04:35 > 0:04:38devoted to someone with no personality.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Despite the Labour Party organising a new Corbyn-themed music festival,
0:04:44 > 0:04:48experts are still unable to identify a single thing about him
0:04:48 > 0:04:50that's not mind-numbingly tedious.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Professor Henry Brewbaker, you join us now.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Can you explain this sort of phenomenon of cultish devotion
0:04:57 > 0:05:01to a man most accurately described as a nice old man?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Ordinarily we'd associate personality cults with powerful,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06charismatic figures like Mussolini,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08but with Corbyn, we're talking about someone
0:05:08 > 0:05:10who looks like a divorced humanities teacher
0:05:10 > 0:05:13and probably collects interesting pebbles from his allotment.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17So just what do Labour supporters find
0:05:17 > 0:05:19so fascinating about their leader?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Earlier we interviewed Michael Shaw from Momentum.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26There are loads of things that make Jeremy so charismatic.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31My dad hates him. Also...there's...
0:05:32 > 0:05:37You know... Really he's... Actually, yes, he is quite boring, isn't he?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41He had to find out some time.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49This week in Prime Minister's Questions,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Jeremy Corbyn attacked Theresa May's record on policing.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55With the highest rise in crime in a quarter of a century
0:05:55 > 0:05:58and police numbers being slashed, the Labour leader pointed out that
0:05:58 > 0:06:01chief constables are now saying they no longer have the
0:06:01 > 0:06:04resources to keep communities safe. It's pretty damning.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07The Home Office has defended their record by pointing to
0:06:07 > 0:06:10their announcement in December of a potential £450 million
0:06:10 > 0:06:12funding boost for the police.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14So will this increase make a difference?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16To talk about the government's announcement,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19please welcome our crime correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- Thank you. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:26 > 0:06:29OK, Andrew, talk us through this announcement - a £450 million
0:06:29 > 0:06:33funding boost for the police, I mean, to me, this sounds good.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Well, it's not really real money.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Most of it comes from a prospective increase in council tax bills
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- which some councils may not even choose to enact.- OK.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Well, at least it will bring an end to all the cut backs.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I'm afraid not, because despite that,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46the police are being asked to make a further £100 million
0:06:46 > 0:06:49of efficiency savings in spite of already being cut to the bone.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Well, how are they going to do that? - Don't worry, Nish.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I had a think, I came up with some ideas to save money,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57and I have already pitched them to an actual policeman.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Oh, God.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02In December, the government announced
0:07:02 > 0:07:06a potential £450 million funding boost for the police,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09but after years of savage funding cuts, with officer numbers falling
0:07:09 > 0:07:10and violent crime rising,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13the reaction among British bobbies was unfavourable.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Why are these hard-working, dedicated, greedy,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19complaining public servants so bloody ungrateful?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23In November, Home Secretary Amber Rudd told police bosses
0:07:23 > 0:07:25to stop asking for more money.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30In December, the Home Office offered police more money.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Would you describe yourself as extremely happy?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36No. There's £450 million that's been announced.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- That's great.- No, it isn't.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Not when they've taken £400 million from the Met alone
0:07:40 > 0:07:43and there's £450 million for the entire country.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47And £270 million of that is if police and crime commissioners
0:07:47 > 0:07:50manage to persuade people to put extra on their council tax.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53The government has asked that in return for this extra funding
0:07:53 > 0:07:55the police will increase productivity
0:07:55 > 0:07:59and continue to make efficiency savings. I have some suggestions...
0:07:59 > 0:08:00- Go on.- ..for saving money.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Just tell me what you think.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06At the moment, police officers only get their pension when they turn 60.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Yeah, tell me about it.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10But they are still quite expensive.
0:08:10 > 0:08:16What if we raised the retirement age to 100?
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Would you like to see police officers aged 100 chasing
0:08:20 > 0:08:23robbers down the street or jumping over, vaulting over back gardens?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25That's not really going to work, is it?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- I would like to see that. - You might want to see it,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30but it wouldn't be particularly efficient, would it?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Wouldn't the elderly make perfect police officers?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36They're naturally racist, they would be great on long stakeouts.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40A lot of them don't even leave their seat to go to the toilet.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43You're sort of assuming there that police officers are racist,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45and that's not the case at all.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- You're assuming that they sit around for long periods doing nothing.- Yep.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52That's not the case at all.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Could police stations diversify in order to raise revenue,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57carry out other functions?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59If I was able to come into a station, give a statement,
0:08:59 > 0:09:00say I've been mugged,
0:09:00 > 0:09:06and then order some dough balls,
0:09:06 > 0:09:07I might be interested.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12So you think people who have just gone through the distressing crime
0:09:12 > 0:09:14of being mugged are going to fancy a bit of a romantic meal
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- and a glass of wine.- Yes. - No.- It's what I would want.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21My daughter's just been kidnapped, and I'll have a Sloppy Giuseppe.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Where is this coming from?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27My wife's dead. Garlic bread.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28No, it's just ridiculous.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31After all the cuts, the Met has released a list of crimes
0:09:31 > 0:09:33that they will not be able to investigate including,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36for example, thefts worth less than £50.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Mm-hmm.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Right, so, for example, is your jumper worth less than £50?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Yeah, a lot less.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Right, what if I tried to take it off you now?- I'd punch you.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Section three, Criminal Law Act... - I don't know what that is.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- What's that?- Reasonable force to prevent a crime happening.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Let's press on.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Do you think any of my suggestions would work?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08You haven't thought about this at all, have you?
0:10:08 > 0:10:09You've not researched it,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11you've not thought about what the police are for,
0:10:11 > 0:10:13you've not thought about how they fit in the community.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17You've just come up with some random ideas to save money.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- Sorry.- To be honest, you're a total- BLEEP-wit.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22You've got no idea at all.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- Is he allowed to say- BLEEP-wit?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45How do you think that went?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I did not get punched, Nish. I didn't get punched.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52CHEERING
0:10:58 > 0:10:59So, let's talk about democracy.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Brexit and the Trump presidency are both political movements
0:11:02 > 0:11:05that succeeded on the basis of returning power to ordinary people,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08but let's take a look at how the actions of both Brexit leaders
0:11:08 > 0:11:12and Trump are compromising democracy and doing the opposite.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Donald Trump continued his criticisms of the FBI
0:11:14 > 0:11:17and their ongoing investigation into possible Russian collusion.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Given his comments about the NHS, it seemed there's only one three-letter
0:11:20 > 0:11:24acronym-based organisation that he's reluctant to criticise.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29The good news is that now Piers Morgan has not spent this
0:11:29 > 0:11:32week kissing his arse, the President is free to resume talking out of it.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35On Monday...
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Don't clap that, he's definitely going to tweet us.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45On Monday, he discussed how the Democrats reacted
0:11:45 > 0:11:47to his State Of The Union speech.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51You've got half the room going totally crazy, wild.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55They loved everything, they want to do something great for our country.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58You have the other side, even on positive news,
0:11:58 > 0:12:05really positive news like that, they were like death.
0:12:05 > 0:12:11And un-American. Un-American. Somebody said treasonous.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I mean, yeah, I guess, why not?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Can we call that treason? Why not?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22"Yeah, why not?"
0:12:22 > 0:12:25is not how you answer the question, "Is that treason?"!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Secondly, I had no idea that people not applauding you
0:12:28 > 0:12:29constituted treason.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32In that case, the audience at my 2015 tour show in Reading
0:12:32 > 0:12:34would have been in a lot of trouble.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Trump's attacks have no basis in fact,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40so this is the President attacking a politically independent
0:12:40 > 0:12:43law enforcement agency just because they're investigating him.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46He's also demanding that his opponents applaud him
0:12:46 > 0:12:48or face charges of treason.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52He's like Joseph Stalin but with fewer connections to Russ... Sorry.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53He's like Joseph Stalin.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03That picture is a little piece I call, "Bang goes the US visa."
0:13:05 > 0:13:08This week, Jacob Rees-Mogg repeatedly stated that
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Treasury civil servants had been fiddling the figures on Brexit
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and that it was politically motivated, which is very serious,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15because civil servants are supposed to be
0:13:15 > 0:13:17neither political nor motivated.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20But, in actual fact, in actual fact,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23the Treasury's figures are broadly optimistic.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26They represent a Brexit where we immediately get a trade deal with
0:13:26 > 0:13:30the US and keep dozens of the EU's current trade agreements
0:13:30 > 0:13:33at the same time as loosening EU regulations.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35If these predictions were more optimistic,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38they would include all of the home nations simultaneously
0:13:38 > 0:13:40winning the World Cup, us getting the Olympics again
0:13:40 > 0:13:44and Princess Diana revealing the whole thing was a big prank.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:49What are you oohing that for?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Is that not something you want?!
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Is that treason? Sure, why not?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58This is part of a wider pattern of hard Brexiters
0:13:58 > 0:14:00making wild accusations.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03These are just attempts to undermine people's trust
0:14:03 > 0:14:06in the checks and balances built into our democracy.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08On top of that, it was revealed that a secret
0:14:08 > 0:14:10hard-Brexit lobbying group of MPs,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13the European Research Group, has been operating
0:14:13 > 0:14:15within the Conservative Party for some years,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17currently headed up by Jacob Rees-Mogg
0:14:17 > 0:14:20and funded with money from its members' expense claims.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23The Times described the ERG as the most powerful opposition force
0:14:23 > 0:14:26in British politics, which I've got to say does seem
0:14:26 > 0:14:29pretty insulting to the Labour Party.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31It's like when Romesh Ranganathan is described
0:14:31 > 0:14:34as the nation's premier British Asian comedian by MY mother.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36LAUGHTER
0:14:36 > 0:14:39On Wednesday... You all laughed too hard at that.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42All of you are treason!
0:14:42 > 0:14:44This is all treason!
0:14:44 > 0:14:47On Wednesday, the Guardian showed the extent of the ERG's influence,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50highlighting how a speech made by Rees-Mogg a fortnight ago
0:14:50 > 0:14:54contained elements that have now been adopted as government policy.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58So this taxpayer-funded organisation is incredibly influential,
0:14:58 > 0:15:02which is unsurprising as it has a private membership of at least 35,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05meaning it represents a substantial voting block in the Tory party.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08They co-ordinate attacks on fellow MPs via a WhatsApp group
0:15:08 > 0:15:11and they are almost functioning as a government within a government.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13The reason I say at least 35
0:15:13 > 0:15:16is because its exact membership numbers remain a secret.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19The only thing we know for sure is that its figurehead
0:15:19 > 0:15:22is Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man so cartoonishly elitist
0:15:22 > 0:15:26the only way he makes sense is if it's suddenly revealed
0:15:26 > 0:15:30that he was being played by Sacha Baron Cohen the entire time.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33By the way, the only reason we know he's not
0:15:33 > 0:15:38is because he was interviewed by Ali G in 1999.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Look at him there. Look at him.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46So, just to summarise, that's a secret group influencing
0:15:46 > 0:15:51government policy behind closed doors with absolutely no scrutiny.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53So, why so sneaky, people's champions?
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Well, perhaps because the model advocated by Rees-Mogg of Brexit
0:15:57 > 0:16:01is to turn Britain into a low-tax, low-regulation economy.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03It's based on the research of a group called
0:16:03 > 0:16:04the Economists For Free Trade
0:16:04 > 0:16:06and it's predicated on massive tax cuts,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08something that is presumably of interest to Brexiters
0:16:08 > 0:16:11such as Aaron Banks and Jacob Rees-Mogg, who were all
0:16:11 > 0:16:14revealed to have offshore holdings in the Paradise Papers.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17It's hard to take Rees-Mogg's claim that he is fighting for the poorest
0:16:17 > 0:16:21in society seriously when all the while he is basically trying to
0:16:21 > 0:16:25turn the whole country into Monaco but with shit weather and a Gregg's.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Brexit and Trump both campaigned on returning power to the people,
0:16:32 > 0:16:35but their actions serve to consolidate power in the hands
0:16:35 > 0:16:36of an unaccountable political elite.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38But that is a harder sell.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39If they'd campaigned honestly,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41things would have looked a lot different.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43The Brexit bus would have just said...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Instead of "Make America great again",
0:16:50 > 0:16:52the cap would have just read,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54"A black guy made fun of me and so I decided to become the most
0:16:54 > 0:16:56"famous person in the world out of racist spite",
0:16:56 > 0:16:59which doesn't really fit on the cap.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02In fact, the only hat it fits on is, ironically, a sombrero.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Let's go over to the Mash news desk for the latest headlines.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10APPLAUSE
0:17:13 > 0:17:15The latest headlines:
0:17:15 > 0:17:17As his wife goes to watch 50 Shades sequel,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20husband stays in to watch proper porn.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Grandmother just doing whatever the fuck she wants.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33And scientists confirm olives are just evil grapes.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38But first, the middle class shoppers who switched to
0:17:38 > 0:17:43shopping at Lidl are wondering if they can switch back soon.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46In recent years, millions of cash-strapped Sainsbury's or
0:17:46 > 0:17:49even Waitrose shoppers have had to lower themselves
0:17:49 > 0:17:51into the nether world of discount supermarkets
0:17:51 > 0:17:54with short but hard-to-pronounce names,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56and now they want out.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59It was a bit of an adventure at first, you know,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02like travelling to a parallel world where we lost the war
0:18:02 > 0:18:05and all the chocolate bars have German names.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08You've got fisherman's waders and camping stoves,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11and what-have-you, racked up next to the peanut butter.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I mean, it was so funny.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17But not any more.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Can someone please give me a well-paid job?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I can't have another fucking stroopwafel.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26That's all from us.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Thank you, news desk.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Now, for a robust insight into what's going on over the Atlantic,
0:18:36 > 0:18:40please welcome our US correspondent, Desiree Burch.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- Thanks, Nish.- What's piqued your interest particularly
0:18:47 > 0:18:48from the States this week?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Well, last week
0:18:50 > 0:18:53our president used part of his long-ass State Of The Union address
0:18:53 > 0:18:56to criticise black NFL players for kneeling
0:18:56 > 0:19:00during the national anthem, which is a protest against police brutality.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Plus there's the government shutdown over child immigrants,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07and Trump calling African nations shitholes.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12I mean, it feels like this has been a pretty rough, what, 15-16 months?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15More like 300-400 years.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- Oh... You're talking about... - Slavery, Nish. Slavery.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21It's always slavery, man.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I mean, pretty much any time a black person is angry,
0:19:23 > 0:19:26you can guarantee slavery is behind it.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28We'll pretend it's something else,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30like when McDonald's takes the McRib off the menu,
0:19:30 > 0:19:36or when one of our work colleagues asked us where we can buy weed.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- Sure. - But pretty much always slavery.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Since Donald Trump was elected,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43America's become a much more racially divided place.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46What can we do, Desiree, to unite it?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Oh, easy, Nish. We don't.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- Wait, you don't want to unite America?- Hell, no!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59We need to take the country back to the civil war
0:19:59 > 0:20:02and make sure the South wins that war
0:20:02 > 0:20:05and split America into two separate countries.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Trump and all the racists can have their own country
0:20:08 > 0:20:10called South America.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11OK, but...
0:20:14 > 0:20:19- Desiree, there's already a place called South America.- Meh...
0:20:19 > 0:20:24Anyway, if the South had won the war, slavery would still be a thing.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Surely you've got to agree that it's better that slavery's over?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30But is it over, Nish? Is it?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I mean, I'm guessing from your tone that the answer is no.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- Hmm.- But what do you mean?
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Well, during slavery, black people were considered property.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Then Abe Lincoln came along and said, "Actually, people are people."
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- Everything was nice for, like, 25 minutes.- Sure.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47But then white people got all mad because not only had their property
0:20:47 > 0:20:51been taken away, but now they had to treat that property as equals?
0:20:51 > 0:20:55It's basically like the government decided to ban the eating of meat,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57and then took everybody's cows away.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Then the next day, when you go into work,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01you're sitting next to a fucking cow.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07You're all like, "Well, how come they can say moo
0:21:07 > 0:21:09"but I can't say moo?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"I mean, it's in all their music and they're all like, 'Moo, what?!'
0:21:12 > 0:21:16"And like, 'Moo, please. I wish a moo would.' "
0:21:16 > 0:21:18You know what I mean?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I have literally no idea what you mean.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25What I am saying is you can't say slavery is over
0:21:25 > 0:21:28but then just keep all the racists around and then expect them
0:21:28 > 0:21:30to just get with the programme,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32so why not just give them their own country and they can be
0:21:32 > 0:21:36as racist as they like because there will be no black people around?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40So they can finally go, "Is it just us?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- "All right, fuck those moo cows!" - OK.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47I understand your point, but surely it's better to educate people
0:21:47 > 0:21:50and encourage them to live with people of a different race from them
0:21:50 > 0:21:52and build a society that's rooted in tolerance?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Yeah, we tried that, Nish, and it didn't work.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57All right? Look what happened after slavery.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Black people were like, "OK, so this is all new.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02"I guess we'll just take it one day at a time."
0:22:02 > 0:22:05White people were like, "I can't. I'm sorry. I tried, I can't.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06"I can't do it. I can't.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10So, you know, they didn't want to live side-by-side with black people,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12so they created Jim Crow laws to keep us separated
0:22:12 > 0:22:15and economic conditions to keep us from owning land
0:22:15 > 0:22:18and joining the competitive labour market. You know what?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Let me put this another way.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I feel like this is going to be about cows again.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- They didn't want to share water fountains with cows.- There it is.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28They didn't want their kids going to school with cows,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31and they made all the cows go and sit at the back of the bus.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Do you know how hard it is for a cow to get to the back of a moving bus?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38OK. I'm starting to get this now.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40You're saying that because all the racists
0:22:40 > 0:22:43will be in their own country there'll be no segregation, right?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Of course there's going to be segregation, Nish.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Racists be racists, you know how they do.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51The thing is, they're just going to make slaves out of,
0:22:51 > 0:22:52I don't know, poor white people.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- It'll be like Plymouth, you know?- Sure.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58But, you know, with people working, right?
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Then maybe finally they will actually have a problem with slavery
0:23:02 > 0:23:05because all the slaves will be white guys called David.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06It'll be like 12 Years A Dave.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15But the fact remains that slavery has been abolished,
0:23:15 > 0:23:17and so surely society has moved on.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I mean, America, you had your first black president.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I know, and black people were so excited about that.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28It was like the OJ verdict, except with 100% fewer dead white people.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31But then look at what happened -
0:23:31 > 0:23:34as a direct result of Obama, we got Trump.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Every time you get rid of something that oppresses black people,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39racists put something else right back in its place.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42It's a very covert suppression of our rights.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44But there have been some positives.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47As you say, there have been NFL players feeling empowered enough
0:23:47 > 0:23:50to take the knee in protest against young black people
0:23:50 > 0:23:51being shot by the police.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Oh, yes, NFL players.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56You mean strong black men working on a field,
0:23:56 > 0:23:57making money for their white owners?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03APPLAUSE
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Yeah, that's right. Come on, Nish.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I mean, the New York Giants are about a harmonica
0:24:09 > 0:24:13and two Blues songs away from being actual slaves.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Of course, the shooting of black people goes on.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Yes. But, remember,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20if you actually manage to escape getting
0:24:20 > 0:24:22shot by Officer Itchy-Finger,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25you could still find yourself in a prison system that
0:24:25 > 0:24:27incarcerates five times as many black people as white people,
0:24:27 > 0:24:31so if you let racists have the South free from black people,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33they won't need to lock us up and get rid of us,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36because all us moos will be kicking it in good America,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39drinking soya lattes with President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Beautiful.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49You know what, Desiree?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52You have actually convinced me.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I think separating the union is a good idea.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58- What's wrong with you, Nish? It's a terrible idea.- What?!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I was just trying to make a point about slavery.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Why are you trying to bring slavery back, Nish?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Oh, God... No!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06What I'm saying is had the South won the war,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09America would have had to recognise
0:25:09 > 0:25:12and deal with the racism that grew and flourished after the civil war.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14By understanding it,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17we might not have elected a dumb racist like Donald Trump.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19So all we can do now is work together
0:25:19 > 0:25:21to fight systemic oppression for all people of colour
0:25:21 > 0:25:24and fight for empathy, equality and understanding
0:25:24 > 0:25:28and, most importantly, fight to get a goddamn McRib
0:25:28 > 0:25:30back on a McDonald's menu.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Ladies and gentlemen, Desiree Burch!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:36 > 0:25:39This week marks the centenary of women's suffrage,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41and Rachel is over at the social media wall
0:25:41 > 0:25:44to talk about this historic moment. Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Parris!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Thank you, Nish.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Yes, it's 100 years this week
0:25:51 > 0:25:54since the first women were granted the right to vote.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56That's right, women have been allowed to vote
0:25:56 > 0:25:59for almost the lifespan of a fairly old tortoise.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03I want to take this opportunity to consider how far we've come.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Well, back in 1918, a lot of nervous Normans in the media were
0:26:07 > 0:26:10panicking about the suffragette movement.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Look at this poor man, holding a baby while his wife
0:26:13 > 0:26:17prances around in a hat, high on gin, and voting everywhere.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22It was felt back then that women gaining equality meant a war on men.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27But the ultimate creeping fear was encapsulated in one question -
0:26:27 > 0:26:32what will men wear when women wear trousers?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Obviously people were very concerned that there was a finite
0:26:35 > 0:26:37number of trousers in the world in 1918
0:26:37 > 0:26:39and that's why women shouldn't get the vote.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43If women started wearing them, some poor gents would have to go without.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47But, of course, everyone now accepts that women achieving equality
0:26:47 > 0:26:50doesn't mean men have to lose out, isn't that right, Nish?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Absolutely. Gender equality, it's great.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Unbelievable naivety from Nish there.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00These headlines are from now.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Some sections of the media are pushing the same agenda today
0:27:04 > 0:27:05as they were in 1918.
0:27:05 > 0:27:10Suzanne Venker on Fox News claims that feminism is a war on men.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13That's right, Nish, we're at war, you and I...
0:27:13 > 0:27:14..you bastard.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23I am so bad at fighting that even that scared me.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28Although you're a feminist and a man. Whaaa? What a world!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Should you punch yourself in the face?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Do you want me to punch myself in the face?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Not necessarily.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Sarah Vine in the Mail,
0:27:37 > 0:27:41referring to the outrage over the President's Club grope fest,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44also refers to this madness of the war on men.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Now, perhaps calling it a war sounds a little bit inflammatory,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50but clearly for some millionaires, not being allowed to fondle
0:27:50 > 0:27:53a young woman over dinner is a lot like the Somme.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57I suppose, really, it's a question of women being shown respect
0:27:57 > 0:28:00and not employed as sex objects.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02"But it was a charity event", I hear you cry.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05How can men be expected to know when to donate to charity
0:28:05 > 0:28:09without the universal signal of a woman's arse in their hand?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11I don't know. Nish, any idea?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I mean, I normally just do it when there's a person
0:28:13 > 0:28:15- with a bucket and change. LAUGHING:- Yeah.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16I don't.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22The truth is equality for women doesn't mean less equality for men.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25There'll be plenty of trousers for all.
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Long trousers, short trousers,
0:28:26 > 0:28:30the old posh man-type red trousers that Nish wears on weekends.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Those were a gift, OK?
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Finally, as we've seen,
0:28:37 > 0:28:40the attacks on the fight for gender equality continue, much as
0:28:40 > 0:28:44they did in 1918, but tonight we are celebrating an historic achievement,
0:28:44 > 0:28:46so let's finish on a positive.
0:28:46 > 0:28:53Well, firstly, CNN has declared 2018 to be "the year of women". Yay!
0:28:53 > 0:28:54We've won the year.
0:28:54 > 0:29:00It only took 2,018 attempts against only one opponent.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Go women!
0:29:03 > 0:29:05CHEERING
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Ah, it seems like giving birth to literally everyone
0:29:13 > 0:29:15since the dawn of time has finally paid off.
0:29:18 > 0:29:19And, secondly,
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Doritos have suggested creating a bag of crisps for women
0:29:22 > 0:29:26that are quieter, less smelly and smaller for our tiny faces.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Thank God.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33I once tried to eat a crisp, Nish, and it was so loud, I wet myself.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37This sort of thing happens to women all the time.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41Just remember, it's your trousers we're weeing in.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44- Back to you, Nish. - Thank you, Rachel Parris.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:47 > 0:29:48That's all for tonight's show.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51Rachel, seeing as it's 100 years since women's suffrage,
0:29:51 > 0:29:55in the spirit of gender equality, would you like to say goodnight?
0:29:55 > 0:29:57No.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59OK, great. Thank you very much. Goodnight!
0:29:59 > 0:30:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE