0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Oh, yes. Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Hello and welcome to The Mash Report, and what a week it's been.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37In a speech on Wednesday, Boris Johnson offered up his liberal version of Brexit.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Johnson claimed his speech would offer hope and optimism.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Look, let's face it, it's easy for Boris Johnson to be optimistic -
0:00:43 > 0:00:46you would be too if your life was just basically being
0:00:46 > 0:00:50terrible at your job and then immediately getting a better job.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54The way things are going, if Brexit goes badly enough, he's going to end up being the next James Bond.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Who else could be Boris Johnson's Bond girl other than Boris Johnson?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05It's not the biggest stretch in the world, at the end of the day.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Boris Johnson and James Bond are both privately educated,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11wealthy white men who have complicated relationships
0:01:11 > 0:01:15with women and ethnic minorities.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Remember that? When James Bond disguised himself as Japanese
0:01:18 > 0:01:21and everyone was like, "That is...normal."
0:01:22 > 0:01:24The speech offered nothing but empty rhetoric
0:01:24 > 0:01:26and nothing about what Brexit would actually involve.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28And that's what people are worried about now,
0:01:28 > 0:01:30especially in the week the Home Office announced,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33in order to cope with the changes to our immigration system
0:01:33 > 0:01:35after leaving the EU, it's going to require a system
0:01:35 > 0:01:38that they said is almost certainly not going to be ready in time.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42When it comes to Brexit, why is nothing ever ready in time?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Why on earth did we just trigger Article 50
0:01:44 > 0:01:47without any thought of whether the two-year time period
0:01:47 > 0:01:49would be enough to get everything sorted?
0:01:49 > 0:01:53So we're currently about to miss an unrealistic deadline that we set ourselves.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56That's like deciding you're going to achieve
0:01:56 > 0:01:58all your New Year's resolutions by 2nd January.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02It sounds like a good idea but it's all going to end up with you on a treadmill screaming,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05"This clarinet has too many buttons and Spanish is muy difficulto."
0:02:08 > 0:02:10The news this week was dominated by the appalling
0:02:10 > 0:02:12allegations of bullying, harassment
0:02:12 > 0:02:16and inappropriate sexual behaviour carried out by Oxfam workers.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Initial accusations centred around Roland van Hauwermeiren
0:02:19 > 0:02:22and his team who were assigned to Haiti after the 2010 earthquake.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Oxfam then allowed some of them to resign.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26They faced no criminal investigation
0:02:26 > 0:02:30and in some cases were able to go and work for other charities.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34And now allegations are starting to spread to other Oxfam projects around the world.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37The Guardian described it as the aid sector's #MeToo moment,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39although given that it's the aid sector,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41it's not so much #MeToo as it is
0:02:41 > 0:02:45#you too seriously you're supposed to be helping people
0:02:45 > 0:02:47are you fucking kidding me everything is terrible.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49This is clearly a horrific story.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Some of the responses have been very strange.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Trevor Kavanagh, writing in The Sun,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56took the opportunity to seemingly attack the concept of charity.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00He describes charity as one of Britain's dirtiest secrets.
0:03:00 > 0:03:06And then said, "Big charity and corruption go together like mosquitoes and malaria."
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Look, nobody is denying that Oxfam have behaved appallingly
0:03:08 > 0:03:11and there needs to be a serious investigation into how these
0:03:11 > 0:03:14abuses and cover-ups have been allowed to happen,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16and questions need to be asked.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19But those questions do not include, "Is charity good?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21"Should we have charities?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24"And is Pudsey a freeloading little shit?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26"I bet he's got a healthy eye behind that patch."
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Now over to the Mash newsdesk for the latest headlines.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33APPLAUSE
0:03:35 > 0:03:37The latest headlines.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Jamie Oliver's restaurants in trouble as it emerges he's not Italian.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Teenage love poet wondering what rhymes with boner.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54And savoury pancakes are bullshit, says Pope.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59But first, now that Valentine's Day is over, a married couple
0:03:59 > 0:04:03are relieved they don't have to have sex again until his birthday.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Kenneth Kramer romanced his wife, Joanna,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09with mid-priced Belgian chocolates.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12The couple then endured five minutes of adequate lovemaking
0:04:12 > 0:04:14in the missionary position before resuming
0:04:14 > 0:04:17their comfortable brother-and-sister dynamic.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- We've been married for about five years.- Is it?- Yes.- Gosh.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26So at this point it takes a good few months to gear ourselves up
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- to see each other naked, doesn't it? - Yes, absolutely.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I mean, just the idea of it...
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Yes!- But once we get going, it is fine.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Oh, absolutely.- Really quite lovely and...- Really good. Yes.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Because I can think about Natalie Imbruglia and...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- Who is it you pretend I am, again, sweetheart?- Your brother Stephen.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Yes. My brother Stephen.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48But we've got it out the way now so we don't have to do it again
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- until anyone's birthday. - Yes, and that's not until November.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- BOTH: Phewee! - Oh, sorry!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Now I can go back to seeing you as a totally asexual housemaid
0:04:58 > 0:05:01whose bowel movements I overhear every morning.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04And I can go back to touching myself in the shower.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Happy Valentine's Day, darling. - Happy Valentine's Day.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- Ha-ha. Yes, yes.- How nice.- Yes.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20And now for a special Winter Olympics bulletin from Nathan,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22who's track-side in Pyeongchang,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26where it's been an exciting day for Finland's Rinsu Skrnsson,
0:05:26 > 0:05:31taking the gold in the 2 x 4,000m uphill Nordic skjord.
0:05:31 > 0:05:36Skrnsson came in at 16 hours 28 seconds and 14 trees,
0:05:36 > 0:05:40a mere one hundredth of a tree ahead of Sweden's Grunter Halbordshmardonsonson.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44But it was a day of mixed fortunes for the Finns after Hedia Trykkso
0:05:44 > 0:05:51and Dugya Hylvs were disqualified from the Chamsark ice fluting after a flagrant triple byerk.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I understand there was upset in the men's byuutobarg,
0:05:55 > 0:05:59with Sweden's Rinsu Baumborg snapping his skenssohn
0:05:59 > 0:06:01in a collision with team-mate Bampoo Bampbap.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Actually, the real surprise came in the women's husky svekkling.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Neurnberg Bernruug wowed the crowd with a 12 metre triple skruuntraag,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13then immediately announced she was quitting sport to go feral.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20I understand Nether Grengahd was leading in the svekkling until the
0:06:20 > 0:06:24lead husky, Svelborg, succumbed to pelt rot in the final rhedlung.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Yes, the husky unfortunately took an early sauna,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31or as we say in Britain, they shot it.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Thanks, Nathan. We'll be back with more later.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42This week Jacob Rees-Mogg has quietly become
0:06:42 > 0:06:45the bookies' favourite to succeed embattled Prime Minister Theresa May
0:06:45 > 0:06:47as leader of the Conservative Party.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Taking a look at the man behind the headlines, please welcome Rachel Parris.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53APPLAUSE
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Thank you, that's right, Nish.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Lots of people have been getting in touch to ask,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03"Who is this plucky upstart Jacob Rees-Mogg?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05"And is he as much fun as he seems?"
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Well, the answer is yes, Nish.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Jacob Rees-Mogg is a huge amount of fun - quintessentially English
0:07:11 > 0:07:13and old-fashioned.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16A delightful Bertie Wooster-esque eccentric.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Jeeves and Wooster, Downton Abbey, The Crown.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22British people love throwbacks to a simpler time
0:07:22 > 0:07:25when the upper classes ruled over us with patronising benevolence.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- Nish, do you like being patronised? - No.- No? I think you'll find you do.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Is there more to Mogg than this old-fashioned facade?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43People are really engaging with Mogg's authenticity.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45He's not afraid to be traditional
0:07:45 > 0:07:48and vote with his deeply held Christian beliefs.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51So, let's take a quick look at this aristocrat millionaire's voting record.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Now, as you can see here,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56he consistently votes against gay rights,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59women's reproductive rights, human rights and equality!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02He's an absolute rotter, isn't he, Nish?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Just like Bertie Wooster in PG Wodehouse's acclaimed novels
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Bertie And The Disabled Scrounger
0:08:10 > 0:08:12and Don't Be Gay, Jeeves!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Rees-Mogg attributes many of his opinions to his Catholic faith.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21He has talked candidly about how his religion dictates
0:08:21 > 0:08:23that he opposes same-sex marriage.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28He also opposes abortion, even in cases of rape and incest.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Oh, hang on! I've just seen this jaunty photo of him!
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- LAUGHS - Such a card, I love him!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43So, Rees-Mogg does seem to rather cherry pick
0:08:43 > 0:08:45parts of the Bible to follow.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48He is oddly obsessed by the traditional marriage bit but not
0:08:48 > 0:08:52so worried about all of the taking care of the poor and the meek.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57You see, Jesus was famously quite pro meek...
0:08:58 > 0:09:00..whereas Mogg is an unashamed meek sceptic.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04He voted to block unaccompanied child refugees
0:09:04 > 0:09:06in Calais from finding safety in the UK.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Thinking about it, Rees-Mogg would have absolutely hated Jesus.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13He was an immigrant who could walk on water! Argh!
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- It's the worst nightmare! - APPLAUSE
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- No passport control for the son of God.- Absolutely not.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Now, the English love wordplay
0:09:29 > 0:09:33and he's even got a half-hearted pun on his own name - Moggmentum.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36It's a play on the Labour organisation Momentum
0:09:36 > 0:09:40but it's got Mogg inside it, which isn't something any of us want.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45So, let's just take a Moggment to look at his attitude
0:09:45 > 0:09:47to women's reproductive rights.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51One thing people really like about Mogg is that he's very polite,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54and when asked whether abortion should be opposed in every case,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58he replied, "I'm afraid so." Lovely.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Well, etiquette is everything when it comes to who controls my womb.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I've always been very clear on that, Nish.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Another thing that people love about the pro-life Etonian
0:10:08 > 0:10:12is that he is unapologetic about his views. And I can understand that.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15When people hold terrible views that can ruin people's lives,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18the last thing you want is an apology.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21And you know who else was famously unapologetic in their views?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23All of the bad people in history.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Indeed, Jacob Rees-Mogg stated in an interview, "I am what I am."
0:10:36 > 0:10:41Echoing the voices of gay people across the world whose rights he sought to curtail.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44So, Nish, the question is,
0:10:44 > 0:10:48was Jacob Rees-Mogg born this way or is it more of a lifestyle choice?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I don't think anyone chooses to be Jacob Rees-Mogg.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54No, I don't think so.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Well, one thing is sure, Rees-Mogg's eccentricity, posed or authentic,
0:10:58 > 0:11:03provides the perfect cover for some horrifying reactionary values.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06A Mogg premiership would help return Britain to a golden age where
0:11:06 > 0:11:09women were second-class citizens, homosexuality was illegal and
0:11:09 > 0:11:12foreigners, even desperate children, were treated with utter suspicion.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16It will be just like PG Wodehouse's hilarious novel,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Bertie Erases 100 Years Of Human Progress.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- Thank you, Nish. - Thank you very much, Rachel Parris.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:25 > 0:11:28So, let's take a look at immigration, and apparently that's
0:11:28 > 0:11:32something we need to do, given how often we hear this.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35It's almost inevitable that we need to talk about immigration.
0:11:35 > 0:11:41Who will say anything on this panel about the catastrophe of mass immigration?
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Let's talk about why 640,000 people came last year.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48And given on Wednesday morning the Foreign Secretary said this...
0:11:48 > 0:11:51We also need to ask ourselves some hard questions
0:11:51 > 0:11:54about the impact of 20 years of uncontrolled immigration
0:11:54 > 0:11:57by low-skilled, low-wage workers
0:11:57 > 0:12:01and what many see as the consequent suppression of wages and
0:12:01 > 0:12:05failure to invest properly in the skills of indigenous young people.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08OK, look, saying we need to ask ourselves some hard questions
0:12:08 > 0:12:12implies that we haven't been asking those questions already.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Is it just me? I feel like all we do is talk about immigration.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19It feels like for most of my adult life the only things
0:12:19 > 0:12:22we talk about are immigration and how we never talk about immigration.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Also, Bake Off.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28And there was that time when we combined them both
0:12:28 > 0:12:31when Nadiya Hussain was in it and the Daily Mail lost their mind
0:12:31 > 0:12:36and suggested that to win now you had to make something they called a chocolate mosque!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Chocolate Mosque sounds like Ben & Jerry's are launching
0:12:40 > 0:12:42new flavours to capture the religious market.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Next it'll be Candyfloss Synagogue and Mint Choc Church.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50So, let's look at how these so-called hard questions
0:12:50 > 0:12:54have already been asked and answered and subsequently ignored.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57In May 2016 the Centre For Economic Performance published
0:12:57 > 0:13:01an exhaustive study on the impact of immigration from the EU
0:13:01 > 0:13:04on the UK between 1995 and 2015.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07The report concluded that EU immigrants had no impact
0:13:07 > 0:13:11on the jobs or wages of UK-born workers, had no negative
0:13:11 > 0:13:15effect on local services such as crime, health and social housing
0:13:15 > 0:13:20and paid more in tax than they took out in welfare and public services.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23The report finds, rather than being the fault of immigrants,
0:13:23 > 0:13:28these problems were the result of the 2008 crash and the slow economic recovery.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31So, why was this ignored? Maybe because facts are boring.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Basically, the only person we'll tolerate facts from any more is David Attenborough.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38It only took one episode of Blue Planet for him
0:13:38 > 0:13:40to single-handedly end straws.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45He's the first person in history to say, "That's the last straw," and mean it literally.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Boris Johnson ignored these facts because it clearly would have undermined the Leave campaign.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54In the lead-up to the vote, a pro-Brexit minister, Bernard Jenkin,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57told Newsnight they plan to go on the offensive on immigration.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59The hostility was relentless,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01from the campaign and its supporters in the media.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04The writer Liz Gerard found that between 1st January
0:14:04 > 0:14:07and the date of the referendum, the Daily Mail and the Daily Express
0:14:07 > 0:14:11each published 34 front-page articles about immigration.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14In case you were wondering, none of them were positive.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17There were no headlines like, "Immigrant Saves Boy From Killer Shark,"
0:14:17 > 0:14:20or, "Foreigners Make Lovely Jam."
0:14:21 > 0:14:24The Leave campaign was given a helping hand by years
0:14:24 > 0:14:27of anti-immigration sentiment that had been encouraged by these guys.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Immigration in this country, as I said,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32was too high and out of control.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Put simply, Britain was a soft touch.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36We help our citizens get jobs
0:14:36 > 0:14:39instead of more immigration from abroad.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43People want Government to have control over the number
0:14:43 > 0:14:48of people coming here and the circumstances in which they come.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Cameron and Osborne spent years shifting the blame onto immigrants
0:14:50 > 0:14:52for worsening conditions for British people
0:14:52 > 0:14:55when in fact it was their now discredited programme
0:14:55 > 0:14:57of austerity that was doing just that.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59But when the time came for them to lead a pro-EU campaign,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02the damage had already been done.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06The British electoral study asked around 15,000 voters one key question - what matters to you
0:15:06 > 0:15:09when deciding how to vote in the EU referendum?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11They took the responses and made it into a word cloud.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14This is what the Leave voters' one looked like.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17That does not look like a word cloud.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20That looks like an MRI scan of Nigel Farage's brain.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27We've been subjected to years of lies about immigration,
0:15:27 > 0:15:28and I'm not the only one who thinks so.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Last month the Home Affairs Select Committee published a paper
0:15:31 > 0:15:33called Immigration Policy: Basis for Building Consensus,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36which said the Government needs to be more proactive
0:15:36 > 0:15:39in challenging myths and inaccuracies and publish more
0:15:39 > 0:15:42factual information about the costs and benefits of immigration.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44And I'm afraid that while this is sound logic,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46it's a tad too late for the Brexit vote.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48It's a bit like shutting the stable door
0:15:48 > 0:15:51after the horse has not only bolted but is now glue.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55And if we're to learn the lessons of the last...
0:15:55 > 0:15:58The horse doesn't exist. Who are you sympathising with?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00If we're to learn the lessons of the last few years,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03to move forward with a proper conversation about immigration
0:16:03 > 0:16:05we need to dispel these myths
0:16:05 > 0:16:08and remember that immigrants are human beings
0:16:08 > 0:16:10that don't deserve to be demonised to appease bigots
0:16:10 > 0:16:13or used to score political points, like these two morons did.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18But the sad fact is that intolerance to immigrants is an easy sell.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20They look different to you and they sound different to you
0:16:20 > 0:16:23so everything must be their fault.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Countering feeling with facts is difficult, but also some people
0:16:26 > 0:16:28will never listen because their hostilities are purely racist
0:16:28 > 0:16:31and there's no point in me of all people trying to change their minds.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34You never hear someone saying, "You know why I stopped being racist?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37"Because a brown man told me on the iPlayer."
0:16:40 > 0:16:42But what about everyone else?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Well, if you're trying to get people to take in a large number of facts
0:16:45 > 0:16:50without switching off, there's only one man for the job - David Attenborough.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Our only hope is that the next series of Blue Planet sounds like this.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- AS ATTENBOROUGH: - Here's a weird jellyfish.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Also what's weird in the decade up to 2011 -
0:17:00 > 0:17:04immigrants from the European economic area
0:17:04 > 0:17:09paid 34% more in taxes than they received in benefits.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Blammo. You just got Attenboroughed.
0:17:13 > 0:17:18Areas of the UK with large increases in EU immigration
0:17:18 > 0:17:23did not suffer greater falls in the jobs and pay of UK-born workers.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28Those falls were the result of the recession and a slow recovery.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Tick, tick, boom.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Turtles just want security for their children.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39You know who else wants security for their children?
0:17:39 > 0:17:43EU citizens being routinely used as a bargaining chip.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Attenborough out.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Let's go over to The Mash newsdesk for the latest headlines.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59The latest headlines -
0:17:59 > 0:18:03man takes second sick day for authenticity.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"We must not betray Brexit,"
0:18:07 > 0:18:10says man who would sell his mum for a sniff of power.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17And snowboarding - just skateboarding for twats in cold places.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22But first, Christians worldwide have been remembering
0:18:22 > 0:18:24the martyrdom of St Pancake of Antioch.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29St Pancake, born in rural Turkey around 500 AD, was a leading
0:18:29 > 0:18:33figure in the Byzantine Church with a reputation for charity and wisdom,
0:18:33 > 0:18:37but it is the manner of his execution for which he is best remembered.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41This week millions re-enacted St Pancake's death agonies.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45He was beaten and battered, then stuffed full of cheese.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50St Pancake was subsequently fried on both sides.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55He was then tossed repeatedly into the air in a cruel mockery
0:18:55 > 0:18:59of his belief that he might one day ascend to heaven or,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03as St Pancake himself described in his text De Recipus,
0:19:03 > 0:19:09"The righteously made shalt adhere to the celestial ceiling."
0:19:10 > 0:19:14A moving tale of sacrifice and deliciousness.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18More from us later. APPLAUSE
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Several recent polls have the Conservatives ahead of the Labour Party,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27including a YouGov survey which suggested the Tories are now four points in front,
0:19:27 > 0:19:31this despite all the infighting, ongoing austerity and the Government's handling of Brexit.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33To tell us where the Labour Party is going wrong,
0:19:33 > 0:19:37it's the voice of Conservative Britain, Geoff Norcott.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Thank you, thank you. Thank you. - Geoff, you seem pleased.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49- It's brilliant. I'm really enjoying it. Labour are so shit.- Right.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I know it's unusual for the party in opposition to be behind at any time,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54let alone during the sort of current turmoil.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57It's weird, isn't it? Corbyn was massive last year.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00This year, nothing. He's like fidget spinners, isn't he?
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Or Pokemon GO.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08There's old Corbachu.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Which does sound strangely Russian, like most of his ideas.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17I think, you know, ultimately a lot of the problems come from the Labour membership.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20They're stuck with Corbyn, the Labour Party. And he knows that.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Like all British workers, when they know they cannot be sacked,
0:20:23 > 0:20:25you kick back a bit, don't you? You sort of phone it in.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27He's sitting there thinking, "The membership love me.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30"I don't need to think of any coherent ideas.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33"I'll just sit here and google recipes for chutney."
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Do you know what I mean? - Labour have youth on their side.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39I mean, we all remember the sort of great youth quake at the last general election.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Yeah, and it turns out that youth quake didn't really happen.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44The youth vote only went up by 2.5% so, you know, that's millennials, mate.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Couldn't even be arsed to turn up to their own statistic.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54But the surge in party membership, that can't be ignored.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56No, that's the biggest problem because you only had to be
0:20:56 > 0:20:59a Labour Party member for 30 seconds and you got to vote for the leader.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02It's harder to vote on Strictly than it is for Labour leader.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Do you think that their stance on Brexit is helping?
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I don't think Strictly have a stance on Brexit.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Any other areas of concern?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Yeah, Labour have also become increasingly identified
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- with, like, identity politics.- Sure.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18They had this conference up north which initially they planned
0:21:18 > 0:21:21to charge white people more to attend.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Which is a sort of a great way of offending everybody, isn't it?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Speaking of which, there has also been a row over
0:21:25 > 0:21:27the Young Labour equalities conference,
0:21:27 > 0:21:31where if you're a straight, white able-bodied male, you can't attend.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Who's going to put away the chairs, you know?
0:21:36 > 0:21:37I mean, I don't know, Geoff.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I mean, if there's one thing white guys can do,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41we can put away a chair, Nish.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Don't take that away from us.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45As a representative of the Asian community, I'll say,
0:21:45 > 0:21:46we'll give it a go.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48LAUGHTER
0:21:48 > 0:21:50We seem to have done all right with medicine.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00All right, fair enough, fair enough.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02But they've also got a problem with the Shadow Cabinet.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I mean, you have, like, McDonnell,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06you've got Diane Abbott, Emily Thornbury,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09all of whom seem like liabilities to much of middle England.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Geoff, you say liabilities,
0:22:10 > 0:22:14may I remind you that our current Foreign Secretary is Boris Johnson?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Agreed. But the alternative is Emily Thornberry.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19She seems like a laugh, but she also seems a couple of bottles of Cava
0:22:19 > 0:22:22and she could start a missile crisis.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25One heavy lunch, we could be balls-deep in Yemen.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I mean, I'm not sure how that's different from our current policy
0:22:31 > 0:22:32but anyway, continue.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34You know what, actually, their biggest problem is
0:22:34 > 0:22:37in terms of personality, a lot of people focus on Corbyn,
0:22:37 > 0:22:38I think is John McDonnell.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Let's have a look at the man himself. Looking scary as ever.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45He's the Shadow Chancellor and, some would say, a raging Communist.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48He's the Shadow Chancellor, he doesn't even like money.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51That's like putting a vegan in charge of the barbecue.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Great, everyone's getting grilled red peppers tonight.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55No lamb chops for anybody.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- That's how socialism works, basically.- Is it?
0:22:58 > 0:23:03- Yeah.- Is that really...?- Yeah, that is exactly how socialism works.- OK.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05You can't just say that, you have to back this up.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06What has he done to make you think
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- that he is some sort of secret revolutionary?- Loads.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12He stood in front of Communist flags at a May Day rally.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14He was filmed giving a talk at a Marxist training camp.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17And you know that poster all lefties have of Che Guevara?
0:23:17 > 0:23:18- Right.- Yeah, his is signed.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- His safe word is Stalin.- OK.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24If he's such a radical,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26why are businesses queueing up to have lunch with him?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Basically, CEOs want to know exactly how long they've got
0:23:29 > 0:23:31before they've got to flee the country, you know.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Come on, Nish, if Piers Morgan became director general of the BBC,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38you'd have a little lunch, wouldn't you, find out where his head's at?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39I mean, build some bridges.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41With Piers Morgan I'm pretty sure
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I know exactly where his head is at, and...
0:23:43 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER
0:23:45 > 0:23:47WHOOPING
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Look, Geoff, not that you'd want to help them, but do you have
0:23:52 > 0:23:55any advice on how Labour can get themselves out of this mess?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Well, yeah, I do have a few things.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- Number one, just forget about the northerners.- What?!
0:23:59 > 0:24:02You'll never keep them happy. It's actually impossible.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Just cut 'em adrift and focus on the NutriBullet wankers down south.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07That would be my...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10OK, anything else that doesn't somehow manage to offend
0:24:10 > 0:24:11the entire country?
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Uh, yeah. Bring back Ed Miliband. That would be the...
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- OK, so you think he'd do better? - No, I just think it'd be a laugh.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21I am not having this, Geoff.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Before you go I want one constructive piece of advice.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25That's what you said you'd come here to do,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27we want one piece of advice.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I'd just be honest about who Jeremy Corbyn is.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Just say, yes, he does want to leave the EU.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34And we know he's just an old trot who likes pissing about
0:24:34 > 0:24:36in the allotment, knitting protest banners
0:24:36 > 0:24:38and blaming Thatcher cos his telly doesn't work.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Geoff, Corbyn at least has captured people who weren't necessarily
0:24:42 > 0:24:43engaged in politics before.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I mean, look at Grime4Corbyn. Look at that as a movement.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47No, the youth stuff is bollocks, right.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49He doesn't know jack shit about grime music.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51When they said Stormzy's coming,
0:24:51 > 0:24:52he said "Ooh, better get the washing in, then."
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Ladies and gentlemen, Geoff Norcott!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Cheers, thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Geoff, nice one, mate.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06The latest headlines.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08John McDonnell banned from Monopoly
0:25:08 > 0:25:11after nationalising all the utilities.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Other drinks cans think San Pellegrino is an arsehole.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23And miracle cat knows when old people are about to be racist.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30But first, it's emerged a woman who says,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33"You'll either love me or you'll hate me," is universally hated.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Donna Sheridan, aged 24, believes her blunt-speaking
0:25:40 > 0:25:43no-nonsense approach to life wins her friends and enemies alike,
0:25:43 > 0:25:47despite it never having won her any friends.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49We spoke to Donna earlier.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I take no prisoners. I don't take crap from anyone.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I'm real and I tell it like it is.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56And if you don't like me, then that is your problem.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I split people down the middle, I'm a strong personality.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Like, I've always done everything on my own, I haven't had any help
0:26:02 > 0:26:03from anybody.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07So at the end of the day, it's, like, if you can't drag yourself up,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I'm not going to drag you up, you know what I mean?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Like, everything I've done, I've done my own
0:26:12 > 0:26:14and at the end of the day I'm not apologising for that,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16and I don't think I should have to.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20So, sorry, if your ego can't take it but I can take it,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I'm willing to step out and be that person.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24So, sorry not-sorry.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Everyone hates her.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30That's all from us.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Let's quickly go over to Rachel Parris at the social media wall
0:26:39 > 0:26:42to pick up on your comments and queries about all the stories coming in.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43- Rachel!- Thanks, Nish.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Obviously, earlier on I criticised a leading Brexiteer
0:26:47 > 0:26:50so I am getting a lot of tweets calling me a snowflake bitch.
0:26:51 > 0:26:56Which the Mash digital team are telling me is great engagement
0:26:56 > 0:26:59so please do keep those coming in.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01One of the less-rabidly insane tweets has been coming in from
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Jacobs Stepladder who says...
0:27:14 > 0:27:16What a lovely name.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Apparently, they call him Six Dom Bon Chris for short.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- Did you know that, Nish?- I don't and I don't think that's true.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Another powerful political tweet here,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27this time about the Labour leader...
0:27:35 > 0:27:36It continues...
0:27:41 > 0:27:44It's nice to have Tony Blair back in politics, isn't it, Nish?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46It's like he was never away.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50And UmbongoUmbongo They Drink It In Cheltenham says...
0:27:59 > 0:28:01LAUGHTER
0:28:06 > 0:28:07A classic night in.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- Back to you, Nish. - Thank you, Rachel Parris!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:13 > 0:28:14That's all for us.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Don't forget to tune in to our spin-off show,
0:28:16 > 0:28:20The Mash Report Extra Serving starting right now in my own mind.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Goodnight!