0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:17 > 0:00:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Oh, whoa!
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Hello!
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Hello, and welcome to The Mash Report,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35and listen, it's been a hell of a week.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn was urged to release his Stasi file
0:00:38 > 0:00:41after allegations arose that he briefed a Czechoslovakian spy
0:00:41 > 0:00:43during the Cold War.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45These claims have been thrown into doubt by the absence
0:00:45 > 0:00:47of any actual facts,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50and the man who made them also claimed to have organised Live Aid
0:00:50 > 0:00:53and that he knew what Margaret Thatcher would wear every day.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56The first claim - mad. The second - pointless.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Margaret Thatcher wore a blue suit every day.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01That's like saying, "I know what Nish Kumar's going to wear
0:01:01 > 0:01:03"when he hosts The Mash Report."
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Yeah!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07It's the same suit every time. We only bought one.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10To be honest, we didn't think this show would last this long.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Look, if you're going to attack Jeremy Corbyn about anything,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15attack him on stuff that he's actually done -
0:01:15 > 0:01:18his failure to deal with Labour's anti-Semitism problem,
0:01:18 > 0:01:20the lack of clarity on his party's Brexit position.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Don't attack him on something that probably didn't happen
0:01:23 > 0:01:24and that makes him sound cooler.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Nobody says Theresa May's a bad Prime Minister
0:01:27 > 0:01:30because she's too busy working part-time as Robocop.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33There is no way that Corbyn is a spy.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36He's a boring bloke from Islington with an allotment
0:01:36 > 0:01:39that no-one would ever suspect... Oh, my God, it's the perfect cover!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41He's a spy, goddammit!
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Also this week...
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Also this week, there was great news for the romantics amongst us.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Ukip leader Henry Bolton was ousted from the party
0:01:53 > 0:01:56and he got back together with his girlfriend, who caused controversy
0:01:56 > 0:01:59when she was found to have sent racist texts about Meghan Markle.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01You know what? It's a tale as old as time.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Boy meets girl, girl sends inflammatory text message,
0:02:04 > 0:02:06boy breaks up with girl, boy loses no-confidence vote,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09boy loses second no-confidence vote, boy loses leadership,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11boy gets back together with girl,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13and they both live racistly ever after.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20And now, over to the Mash News Desk for the latest headlines.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27The latest headlines.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Trump goes to see Black Panther movie, says,
0:02:29 > 0:02:31"A lot of good characters on both sides."
0:02:34 > 0:02:37KFC customers shocked to discover it's actually chicken.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41And man who looks at porn most nights
0:02:41 > 0:02:44worries about what his kids are up to on the internet.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50But first, a couple who watched an extremely tedious televised
0:02:50 > 0:02:53awards ceremony have no idea why they did it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Stephen and Laura Malley still cannot understand why they spent
0:02:57 > 0:03:02nearly three hours watching actors verbally toss each other off.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Honestly, I don't know how it happened.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06We just put the telly on, and instead of Emmerdale,
0:03:06 > 0:03:07it was a roomful of people in suits,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10and I just kept thinking, "Why is there a funeral on telly?"
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- I would have preferred a funeral. - Yeah. Nothing happened.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14I mean, they clap a bit and go up some steps,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- then they get a thing, or whatever...- A metal thing.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18..and they say, "Oh, thanks very much."
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- And there's a tall, posh lady made a joke...- That was Tom Hiddleston.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- Was it?- Anyway, somehow, we watched it all.- All of it.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26The time just disappeared,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29it was like we'd been abducted by a UFO, except it was very boring.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Actors? Sorry, but they really are just a bunch of vain,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35attention-seeking wankers.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39I mean, last night, he congratulated me on making a very good lasagne,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42but I didn't film it and then put it on the telly.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44No, but you did put a picture of it on Facebook, didn't you?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Yes, I did.- It got 15 likes.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Actually, it got 18. - No, it didn't.- Yeah, it did.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56We'll be back with more later.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Now, let's go over to the social media wall for Rachel Parris.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08CHEERING
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Thank you, Nish.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Now, there has been a lot of coverage recently about how
0:04:13 > 0:04:16young people are a bunch of weak, entitled snowflakes.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Millennials are entitled, they're lazy, they're weak,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23they're the me, me, me generation.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26And of course, they spend all of their money on avocados,
0:04:26 > 0:04:31which is a sort of savoury pear that costs the same amount as a house.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Now, many of the accusations of snowflakery centre upon
0:04:35 > 0:04:38people who find everything offensive -
0:04:38 > 0:04:42non-Mexicans wearing sombreros, the sitcom Friends,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44opinions about transgender issues.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47And of course, we shouldn't be shutting down free speech,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50even when it's deemed distasteful. Of all human rights,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53the right to offend people is one of my absolute favourites.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58For example - shut up, Nish, you tedious, leftie ballbag!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05You don't get a lot of "ballbag" these days.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06You don't!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08I don't. Er...
0:05:10 > 0:05:14..but the snowflake accusation is also being used to discredit anyone
0:05:14 > 0:05:18who worries about equality, or looks to improve the lot of humans.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Like Lily Allen - she was branded Snowflake of the Year
0:05:21 > 0:05:24by the Telegraph for crying over unaccompanied children
0:05:24 > 0:05:28in Calais being abandoned by the British Government.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Crying? In the presence of a small homeless child?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33How weak is she, the compassionate twat?!
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Am I right, Nish?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Er, um... No.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Er, most recently, students who have spoken out about gun control
0:05:43 > 0:05:46in the wake of the mass shooting at the school in Florida have been
0:05:46 > 0:05:48attacked on Twitter for being "snowflakes".
0:05:48 > 0:05:52That's actually one of the survivors being called a snowflake.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55The argument goes that if you complain about horror,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58injustice or equality, then you're self-pitying and pathetic.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Only this week, Matthew Parris in the Times said that the Me Too
0:06:02 > 0:06:06movement was about self-pitying and gaining "victim status".
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Matthew moaned that too much of the media
0:06:08 > 0:06:11was devoted to women moaning too much, and we know this
0:06:11 > 0:06:13because he moaned about it in the Times, and then moaned
0:06:13 > 0:06:17about it in the Spectator, and finally moaned about it on Radio 4.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19That is a man who needs a safe space.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22You see,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25there is a determined campaign to conflate people being
0:06:25 > 0:06:27a bit squeamish about offensive ideas and language
0:06:27 > 0:06:29with people legitimately demanding change.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30And the truth is,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34history's absolutely littered with dreadful snowflakes.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Martin Luther King was a famous hand-wringing liberal, who got
0:06:38 > 0:06:41all hysterical about the persecution of black people in America.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45He had a dream about little kiddies playing together.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Stop dreaming and do some bloody work, you hipster!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55And of course, then there was Mahatma Gandhi -
0:06:55 > 0:06:57a vegan, quelle surprise!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04So, Gandhi didn't like his people being oppressed,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06so he kept refusing his food.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08What an ungrateful hippy!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12So, millennials and post-millennials -
0:07:12 > 0:07:14you are all apparently entitled narcissists,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16even as you will be the first generation to earn less
0:07:16 > 0:07:20than your parents and you'll never be able to afford to buy a property.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I don't know what the problem is.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Don't they like hearing Mum and Dad having sex as they lie
0:07:25 > 0:07:28in their childhood bedroom thinking, "Christ, I'll be 40 soon"?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:35 > 0:07:37So entitled.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Well, millennials, you're entitled to sort out climate change too.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Good luck with that!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44And soz.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49So, is it that young people today are just...young people?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I mean, idiots, obviously,
0:07:51 > 0:07:53but also courageous, passionate,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55keen to make the world a better place.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Let's give the last word to Emma Gonzalez,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00a young millennial who attended the school where 17 students
0:08:00 > 0:08:02and teachers were shot dead last Wednesday.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Every single person up here today,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07all these people should be at home, grieving.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10But instead, we are up here, standing together,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13because if all our Government and President can do
0:08:13 > 0:08:15is send "thoughts and prayers",
0:08:15 > 0:08:19then it's time for victims to be the change that we need to see.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21CHEERING
0:08:24 > 0:08:26What a snowflake.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27And who knows, Nish,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30maybe these young snowflakes will cause an avalanche.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Back to you, Nish. - Thank you, Rachel Parris!
0:08:32 > 0:08:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:40So, as it's our final episode of the series, let's talk about Brexit.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44But before I do, let me pre-empt some of the responses
0:08:44 > 0:08:46based on things people have already tweeted me.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I know I'm a whingeing, unfunny, Remoaning, anti-Brexit,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51BBC ethnic poster boy.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53And hey, what a poster that would be!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57But...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Bad luck, Anita Rani!
0:08:59 > 0:09:00But...
0:09:00 > 0:09:04..but I just have one key question about Brexit.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07What is it?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Seriously, what is it?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12It's just that it's happening in just over a year,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14and we don't really know what it involves!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16In the lead-up to the referendum,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Brexiters were very clear on what it would mean.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20They claimed EU membership cost us money
0:09:20 > 0:09:22and by leaving, we were freeing up cash,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25as explained in this helpful advert from the Vote Leave campaign.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Let's imagine what else this money could buy.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32State-of-the-art hospitals.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Hundreds of new schools.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Pioneering health and scientific research.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43We could build new roads and improve the railways.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Expand regional airports.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49And we could lower taxation.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03So, that's pretty clear.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Brexit means more money for the country and apparently,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07self-building hospitals.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10But as soon as it became a reality, the focus shifted
0:10:10 > 0:10:13from telling us what Brexit is to telling us what it isn't.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Brexit isn't going to mean the end of the world.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17This is not in any sense
0:10:17 > 0:10:20the moment that Britain steps back from the world.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24It's not about returning to some autarchic 1950s menu
0:10:24 > 0:10:26of spam and cabbage and liver...
0:10:28 > 0:10:29But that doesn't work.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31You can't go on Mastermind and be asked,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33"What's the capital of Iceland?"
0:10:33 > 0:10:35and reply, "I'll tell you what it isn't - Vin Diesel!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38"No way is that guy the capital of Iceland!"
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Maybe it's easier to say what it isn't
0:10:41 > 0:10:44because Brexiteers can't agree on what should happen.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46And as a side note, we need to stop
0:10:46 > 0:10:48using the word "Brexiteer" as an insult.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51It sounds like Musketeer and makes them sound too cool.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53It's like if I found out people were calling me Brown Panther,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I'd be like...
0:10:56 > 0:11:00.."Oh, no! Oh, no, I'm so furious!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"Who made that? That's...
0:11:03 > 0:11:04"..annoying."
0:11:06 > 0:11:08We still have no idea what to do about several key areas -
0:11:08 > 0:11:11the economy, immigration and the Irish border.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13So, let's take a look at each one. On the economy,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16we're still uncertain about trade agreements with the EU.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Also, Boris Johnson has claimed we'll receive a Brexit dividend
0:11:19 > 0:11:21of £100 million a week for the NHS.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23But forecasts from David Davis' department indicate that
0:11:23 > 0:11:27every version of Brexit will leave the UK poorer. But who to believe?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29It's between a man who once had two women wear a T-shirt
0:11:29 > 0:11:31saying, "It's DD For Me",
0:11:31 > 0:11:35or a man who was clearly jealous of the first man's awesome T-shirt.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37And as for immigration,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40hard Brexiters want a severe clampdown, but this week,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Michael Gove has called for more migrant workers to help
0:11:43 > 0:11:44British farmers pick fruit.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47After a summer which has seen a lack of seasonal workers,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49farmers have said that more migrants are needed,
0:11:49 > 0:11:51and described the situation as "mission critical",
0:11:51 > 0:11:54which sounds like a gentle version of Mission: Impossible
0:11:54 > 0:11:57where Tom Cruise gets a job picking strawberries in Wiltshire.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01And as for Ireland - in December,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04there was a provisional agreement on regulatory alignment
0:12:04 > 0:12:06between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland
0:12:06 > 0:12:09because of the fear that the return of a hard border could cause
0:12:09 > 0:12:13a resumption of violence, and no-one wants to endanger the peace process.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Or at least, you'd think so.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Kate Hoey, prominent Labour Brexiter
0:12:17 > 0:12:19and fan of the show - hi, Kate -
0:12:19 > 0:12:23and Daniel Hannan, MEP and inspiration for the film Boss Baby,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26have spent... LAUGHTER
0:12:27 > 0:12:30..have spent this week... APPLAUSE
0:12:30 > 0:12:34..have spent the week criticising the Good Friday Agreement,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36in direct opposition to David Davis.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38You'll notice that all the people we've mentioned
0:12:38 > 0:12:40so far campaigned for Leave.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Brexiters constantly claim that the process is being
0:12:42 > 0:12:46sabotaged by Remainers, both inside and outside the Government.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49But what's clear is that they can't agree amongst themselves -
0:12:49 > 0:12:52just another reason why the word Brexiteer is so inappropriate,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54even as a complimentary nickname.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Firstly, because the Musketeers were French,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00and secondly because the Musketeers' motto was, "All for one
0:13:00 > 0:13:03"and one for all", which could not be less appropriate for them.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Theirs would be, "All for one, and by one, I mean me,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08"I was using it in the posh way, everyone else shut up."
0:13:10 > 0:13:13So, there's no clarity for the Government in areas of major
0:13:13 > 0:13:17national importance. Even if you ask directly.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Because we have actually been doing that.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Our producer, Danny - this is absolutely true - has been
0:13:23 > 0:13:26e-mailing Sam at the Department for Exiting the EU
0:13:26 > 0:13:29for several weeks, asking what Brexit is.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Firstly... This is a real person's time we've wasted...
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Firstly, we received this.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41So...
0:13:41 > 0:13:44So... It gets worse! So, Danny replied...
0:13:48 > 0:13:50To which they responded...
0:13:53 > 0:13:55We tried going back to them again this week.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57We asked Sam if they had come up with a new definition
0:13:57 > 0:14:00of what Brexit is, and we received this reply...
0:14:05 > 0:14:07APPLAUSE
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Ouch!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Not even "kind regards".
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I thought we were talking to the Department for Exiting the EU,
0:14:17 > 0:14:21not the Department for Being as Cold as Ice!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Look, regardless of which way you voted,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27it is imperative that we have some idea
0:14:27 > 0:14:30of how this is all supposed to work.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33So, we're going to try asking again, but on a broader scale.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36This advert will be available on social media,
0:14:36 > 0:14:40and if you, like us, are worried about what Brexit involves,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43please feel free to share it around.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Brexit is the UK's departure from the European Union.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49But what the hell does that mean?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51What happens to Ireland?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Will there be a hard border or a soft border?
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Or will we snap off Northern Ireland and stick it to the Lake District?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Will people from the EU keep being allowed to come here?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Or will we cover the country with a giant version
0:15:04 > 0:15:06of the Millennium Dome?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08What happens to our money?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Will it be available for schools and hospitals,
0:15:11 > 0:15:13or will it all just catch fire?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Please tell us, we're scared.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:27 > 0:15:29So, Sunday night was the Bafta Awards ceremony,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32with many of the stars wearing Time's Up badges to
0:15:32 > 0:15:34show their support for women around the world.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36This, and the powerful Me Too campaign, has
0:15:36 > 0:15:39resulted in a long overdue focus on women's rights.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Here to talk more about it,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43please welcome our social affairs correspondent, Desiree Burch!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- Hi, Nish.- So, Desiree, with all the stuff that's been going on over
0:15:51 > 0:15:54the last couple of months, how are things for women?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Well, we're OK, I guess.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00On the one hand, there s gender inequality and sexual assault.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05But, on the other hand, Spice Girls are getting back together!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08And I, for one, am excited about living in a world where
0:16:08 > 0:16:09a 42-year-old woman
0:16:09 > 0:16:12can still be referred to as "Baby".
0:16:12 > 0:16:16But there is one group that continues to suffer.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Asians.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22No, Asians are fucking fine, dude.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- I'm talking about men.- Oh, men, yeah, that's the other one, yeah.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Yes! In case you haven't noticed, Nish, men are under attack,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31and particularly white men.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I mean, I assume you're talking about the sort of perceived pushback
0:16:34 > 0:16:36against the idea of white male privilege.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Exactly, Nish, but one brave man has formed a political party
0:16:40 > 0:16:43dedicated solely to men's rights.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Former Conservative party consultant Mike Buchanan set up
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Justice For Men & Boys, (and the women who love them).
0:16:51 > 0:16:53That is one of the worst names for anything I've ever heard.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- Yeah, and men and boys that close together?- It's not ideal.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58No, it's not.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Well, I went to meet Mike to find out
0:17:01 > 0:17:04more about the work of Justice For Men & Boys.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Mike, can you tell us when
0:17:06 > 0:17:07you started Boyz II Men?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- Boyz II Men?- Yeah, your, er, advocacy group?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- Oh, the political party?- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18OK, shall we start again? It's called Justice For Men & Boys.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Oh. OK, yes. Can you tell us when you started that?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Yes, I started it almost five years ago now.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27It was, at the time, and it remains to this day, the only political
0:17:27 > 0:17:30party in the English-speaking world that campaigns for
0:17:30 > 0:17:32the human rights of men and boys.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37It does seem like a lot of your arguments are anti-feminist.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40What exactly are these feminazis doing to oppress men?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I think they're doing a huge amount.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Feminists have made life so much worse for men.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48So, for example, if you take domestic violence, it's been
0:17:48 > 0:17:51known for a very long time now that the number of victims
0:17:51 > 0:17:53of domestic violence, male victims,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55are similar to the number of female victims.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- The same amount? - It's been known for decades.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Um...
0:17:59 > 0:18:01..but the Government acts as if there's no such thing as
0:18:01 > 0:18:03male victims of domestic violence.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04# Hold up... #
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Well, hang on a second there, Mike,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09according to the Office For National Statistics,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11there are an estimated 4.3 million
0:18:11 > 0:18:13female victims of domestic abuse.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17A whole 2.1 million more than male victims.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19But I'm just a woman, so what would I know?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I mean, you're clearly a feminist. You wouldn't get work
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- at the BBC otherwise. - GASPS FROM AUDIENCE
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Your main presenter is a mangina.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Er, a mangina?- A male feminist.- Oh.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Does Nish have a vagina?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33No, a mangina. He is a mangina.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36OK. So, Nish is a vagina?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- No, he's a mangina.- I see.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:39 > 0:18:43It's what anti-feminists tend to call, you know, male feminists.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Is there such a thing as white male privilege?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50The idea that in 2018 in Britain
0:18:50 > 0:18:53that being a white male gives you any privilege,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- I think, is just nonsensical.- Hmm.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- I mean, I started in the business world in 1979, and the idea...- Yeah.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01..even then, that you would discriminate against,
0:19:01 > 0:19:02let's say, black people or women,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05in recruitment or promotion terms,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07it would have been ridiculous then, 40 years ago.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08# Hold up... #
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Well, it might sound ridiculous to Mike,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13but figures taken from the General Household Survey
0:19:13 > 0:19:15and the Labour Force Survey show that, in the UK,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18black African men were nearly twice as likely to be
0:19:18 > 0:19:21unemployed as white men during the 1980s.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25And it wasn't until 1985 that the Equal Pay Act was amended
0:19:25 > 0:19:28to allow women to be paid the same as men for the same work,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31something that is still being debated in 2018.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34But, yeah, it's absolutely ridiculous, Mike.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Do you think that the Me Too movement and male discrimination
0:19:38 > 0:19:42has made it harder for men to...
0:19:42 > 0:19:44wolf-whistle at a woman?
0:19:44 > 0:19:49Of course it has, and there's a lot of women that find that quite sad.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- LAUGHTER - To present it as anything other than
0:19:51 > 0:19:52a sign of appreciation,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I think, is just ludicrous.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58So, like, when I was back home in New York and a guy was like,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"Damn, you got some fat titties!" -
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- I should feel good about that?- Yeah.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I think most of this is just absolute nonsense.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09It's about angry women trying to destroy men.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Yeah, a lot of real angry bitches out there.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Well, that's not the terminology we'd use, but, er, yeah.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:24 > 0:20:26OK, did you actually learn anything about how
0:20:26 > 0:20:28white men are struggling?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31What I learned from Mike is that, as a black woman,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I can't possibly understand what it's like to be oppressed,
0:20:34 > 0:20:38to have people be sexist against you or to be turned away from jobs.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40But how can any of us
0:20:40 > 0:20:43truly understand another person's race and culture?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46You could just ask them and then believe their answers.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Huh, spoken like a true mangina.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:53No, Nish, you go undercover, like this woman did
0:20:53 > 0:20:56in the Channel 4 documentary, My Week As A Muslim.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- Oh, dear Lord.- Yeah.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I mean, that woman couldn't get tanned
0:21:02 > 0:21:06- without Channel 4's intervention. That's awful. - NISH LAUGHS
0:21:06 > 0:21:09So, I took a leaf out of their book and went undercover.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11No, Desiree, you didn't!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13You're welcome, Nish, I did.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18MUSIC: What A Man by Linda Lyndell
0:21:25 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Being a white guy, right? You know what I'm talking about.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Hi.- How are you doing?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52So, look, I'm great at selling estates
0:21:52 > 0:21:56or whatever the fuck you do here, so can I get a job?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I'm afraid we've got no jobs.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- Yeah, you're one of those man feminists, aren't you?- Yeah...
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Man, whose dick do you have to suck to get a job as a white man?
0:22:05 > 0:22:06LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:10# Hey, good looking What you got cooking... #
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Right?!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Exactly!
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Ladies, can a white guy buy one of you fine bitches a drink?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- No, thank you, we're fine. - Yeah, I bet you are.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27You're always fine but you're frigid feminists, you're always fine.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Silence the white man, everyone does it anyway!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33LAUGHTER
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Jeez.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Walking around, talking to these bitches all the time.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42This dick on for nothing. I just...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Stop looking at me!
0:22:44 > 0:22:45LAUGHTER
0:22:45 > 0:22:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Twitter is going to love that.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Well, you know, it was worth it, Nish. For the white man.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Desiree Burch!
0:23:06 > 0:23:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Since the EU referendum results, a lot of Labour supporters have
0:23:13 > 0:23:16been critical of the party's position on Brexit,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18with some even threatening to leave the party over their stance.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21More recently, Labour's own MPs have expressed concern
0:23:21 > 0:23:24that the party's position is unclear and they're not providing enough
0:23:24 > 0:23:27of an alternative to the Government as they negotiate our exit.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29To clarify Labour's Brexit position,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32please welcome our political correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Thank you.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Shut it, Nish!
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Er, I wasn't speaking.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Don't play dumb with me, pretty Tony.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47LAUGHTER
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Nish, it's perfectly clear to you, as it is to me,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53that I've become an investigative reporter, emphasis on investigative.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- Why are you standing up? - It's what they do.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Have you not seen the Washington Post, Nish?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Do you mean the film The Post?- Yeah.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Have YOU seen that film?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I think I've made it clear I haven't seen that film.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06NISH SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER
0:24:10 > 0:24:14You'll be asking me if I haven't seen All The President's Guys yet.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17For a while now, I've been investigating Labour's position
0:24:17 > 0:24:20on Brexit, a position so Byzantine, so ambiguous,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23it required a proper, hard-boiled detective. You see?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Sorry, wait, are you a detective or a reporter?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- I don't know what's going on. - Cut the crap, Kumar.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31My investigation led me to Chris Williamson, Labour MP
0:24:31 > 0:24:33and Corbynista-in-chief.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Here he is talking Corbyn up on Question Time.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39In my humble opinion, Jeremy Corbyn is the best leader
0:24:39 > 0:24:41that the Labour Party has ever produced,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44and would be the greatest Prime Minister this country's ever seen.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45APPLAUSE
0:24:46 > 0:24:48What is this pose?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51It's another tough nuts, investigative journalist pose, Nish.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53LAUGHTER
0:24:53 > 0:24:57I mean, in fairness, I can see your tough nuts.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58I got him, Nish.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Got him for a late-night pow-wow.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02NISH SCOFFS SLIGHTLY
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Roll the VT!
0:25:04 > 0:25:05It's been 18 months since the referendum,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08and I'm still no wiser of Labour's position on Brexit.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10On the single market, they're confused.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12On freedom of movement, they're split.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Where were the goddamn answers?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16For the last six months, I've been building a case,
0:25:16 > 0:25:20tracking the key players to try and solve this political puzzle.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25I needed someone to squeal, but the big cheeses were running scared.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Luckily, there was one guy with big enough balls to face me -
0:25:29 > 0:25:32dedicated Corbyn foot soldier, Chris Williamson.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35But he had no idea what he was letting himself in for.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- I'm Andrew Hunter- BLEEP- Murray.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39And I'm going to get some answers.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45First things first, do you know why you're here?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I think you want to find about Labour's position on Brexit.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Yeah, I do. Because, I tell you something, Chris,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53your position on Brexit is this.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54- Ah.- It's a bloody mess.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- No, you've not been paying attention.- It's a bloody mess.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Listen, I can help you with our position on Brexit.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- It's very, very clear.- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Well, I'm going to put some simple questions to you,
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- I'd appreciate some straight answers.- Well, I'll try my best.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- OK. Let's do it.- OK, go for it.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Chris, you seem like a very reasonable guy.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I don't want to go all Tommy Toughnuts on you,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16but let me quote you something your colleague Dawn Butler said.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19She told Sky News that, "We will be in the single market for as short
0:26:19 > 0:26:22"a time as possible, but for as long as necessary."
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Later the same month, she said that Labour wanted to
0:26:24 > 0:26:29"stay in for as short as necessary but as long as possible".
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- Well, listen, what we're simply saying is...- What? What's that?!
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Listen, all I can tell you is that we want tariff-free access
0:26:37 > 0:26:39to the single market
0:26:39 > 0:26:42and a bespoke EU-UK customs union
0:26:42 > 0:26:43to protect jobs.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45How can you retain the benefits of something
0:26:45 > 0:26:48if you're outside it? That is like standing outside
0:26:48 > 0:26:51an Adele concert, still expecting to hear the music perfectly,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54and frankly, right now, Chris, I am outside in the pissing cold
0:26:54 > 0:26:56and I cannot hear Rolling In The Deep.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Well, I'm sorry about that,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00but I'm doing my best to tell you what our position is.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02It just doesn't seem to be sinking in.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Someone's mugging me off, Chris. Who is it? Is it you? Is it Corbyn?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- Is it everybody? - Well, it's certainly not me.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10And it's certainly not Jeremy, either.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12So, why do I feel like a mug?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Ask your mum.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16LAUGHTER
0:27:19 > 0:27:20I've got five words for you -
0:27:20 > 0:27:21free-dom of move-ment.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Everyone travelling around, living where they like, very nice.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I've got a timeshare in Alicante, I love it. What's Labour's position?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Freedom of movement, when we leave the European Union,
0:27:30 > 0:27:31will come to an end, but we will negotiate
0:27:31 > 0:27:34a freedom of movement system that is fit for purpose.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37A lot of members don't agree with that. 3,000 of your members,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40right here, these people. These people.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42These people. They've all signed a petition saying
0:27:42 > 0:27:43keep freedom of movement.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46You've got MPs inside your party campaigning to keep
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- freedom of movement. - They've got strong views.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51All I'm hearing is blah, blah, blah, Chris. My bullshit meter is off the charts.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Well, I'm sorry about that, but that's their view and they're
0:27:54 > 0:27:57entitled to that view, and they're entitled to campaign for that view.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58ANDREW SIGHS
0:28:00 > 0:28:02You guys seem to have been giving a lot of big answers
0:28:02 > 0:28:05and simultaneously dodging the questions.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06- I don't think that's fair. - That is fair!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09It's like, it's like, I don't know what I'm hearing any more.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12If I ask you, do you prefer creme de menthe or Bailey's, I probably
0:28:12 > 0:28:13wouldn't get a straight answer out of you.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15I don't like either.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Would you excuse me for just a second?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23SLAMS DOOR
0:28:23 > 0:28:25HE YELLS ANGRILY
0:28:27 > 0:28:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:36To be honest with you, Andrew, as much as you seem to have mastered
0:28:36 > 0:28:39the sort of chair-based business,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42it doesn't really feel like you cracked that particular case.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44He was a tough guy, Nish, I'll give you that, but I'll tell you
0:28:44 > 0:28:47one thing - I will get to the bottom of this if it's the last thing I do.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!
0:28:50 > 0:28:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:51 > 0:28:52Thank you.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00The closing headlines -
0:29:00 > 0:29:03a family who gave up plastic have found it impossible to
0:29:03 > 0:29:05give up being smug bastards.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07LAUGHTER
0:29:07 > 0:29:09BAFTA judges moved by tender, heart-warming story of
0:29:09 > 0:29:11woman who shags a fish.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14LAUGHTER
0:29:14 > 0:29:17And grey-haired, dead-eyed morning Wetherspoon's drinker
0:29:17 > 0:29:18only 28.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20LAUGHTER
0:29:21 > 0:29:25But first, sheepdogs have angrily condemned a glass ceiling
0:29:25 > 0:29:28in the workplace, after it emerged that no sheepdog has
0:29:28 > 0:29:30ever made the transition to shepherd.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32LAUGHTER
0:29:33 > 0:29:36Veteran sheepdog Tinker staged a dirty protest in
0:29:36 > 0:29:38the back of his shepherd's Subaru,
0:29:38 > 0:29:42after his boss/owner responded to his attempts
0:29:42 > 0:29:45to throw some herding ideas into the mix
0:29:45 > 0:29:48by shutting him up with a biscuit.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51However, shepherds have denied a pro-human bias.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53I'm all in favour of dogs being shepherds. But you need to be able
0:29:53 > 0:29:56to hold a sheep if you're treating her for parasites, don't you?
0:29:56 > 0:29:59How are you supposed to do that with paws?
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Call me politically incorrect if you like,
0:30:01 > 0:30:03but if you don't have thumbs, you can't hold a sheep,
0:30:03 > 0:30:06erect an electric fence, you certainly can't drive a van.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08I found that out.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10Tried getting my dog, Tinker, to do my tax return,
0:30:10 > 0:30:12no, absolute disaster, 500 quid fine.
0:30:13 > 0:30:14That's all from us.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:19 > 0:30:22That's all from The Mash Report for this week and this series.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25Let's take a look back at all the subjects we've covered.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28There was Brexit and Trump and...
0:30:29 > 0:30:30LAUGHTER
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Goodnight!
0:30:32 > 0:30:33CHEERING