0:00:13 > 0:00:21This programme contains some strong language
0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Hello, I'm Nish Kumar.
0:00:26 > 0:00:31Welcome to The Mash Report, a show that is perfect for 2017.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Who cares if the news is real or fake,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36as long as it's shouted at you loudly enough?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39We'll be cutting through the noise to keep you informed,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41with our own brand of robust reporting
0:00:41 > 0:00:42and up-to-the-minute analysis.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Let's go over to Mash Newsdesk for the latest headlines.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Headlines on the hour.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58"I get the mad cheddar cos my flow is next-level," says Fiona Bruce.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And tablet computers under too much pressure to be thin.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06LAUGHTER
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And rail passengers to squeeze inside each other's bums.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12LAUGHTER
0:01:12 > 0:01:15But first, is Doctor Who too scary?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Some die-hard Doctor Who fans have accused the show of going too far
0:01:19 > 0:01:22after it introduced its most terrifying creature yet...
0:01:22 > 0:01:24a woman.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Emma, why do some fans think women are unsuitable for
0:01:34 > 0:01:35a family audience?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37From the Daleks to the Weeping Angels,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Who fans are used to scary aliens,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41but, for some male devotees,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43their ultimate fear is the vagina.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Earlier, I spoke to Wayne Hayes, who runs the Gallifrey Base website
0:01:47 > 0:01:49and is a lifelong Doctor Who fan,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51or Whovian, if you want to be anal about it.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Well, Doctor Who, as you know, has a rich history of
0:01:56 > 0:01:58frightening monsters,
0:01:58 > 0:02:02but when I saw a confident, attractive woman taking over
0:02:02 > 0:02:04the role of the Doctor...
0:02:04 > 0:02:08I was forced to hide behind my sofa for fear that she somehow
0:02:08 > 0:02:14would come out of the television and strike up a conversation with me.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I understand some Who Fans also find the idea of a female Doctor
0:02:20 > 0:02:24not only frightening but scientifically implausible.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Yes, but, weirdly, they were fine with episodes where
0:02:26 > 0:02:28the moon turned out to be a dragon egg,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30the Queen was a werewolf,
0:02:30 > 0:02:32and some other bullshit about dinosaurs on a spaceship.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:36CHEERING
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Thanks, Emma.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Boris Johnson's charm has officially run out.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:47That's the view of experts who've found that the Secretary of State's
0:02:47 > 0:02:50amusing hair, archaic vocabulary,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53and ability to look clumsy in almost all situations
0:02:53 > 0:02:58can no longer conceal his cold, careerist heart of ice.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Here's Nathan with more.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03As we all know, Boris has a harmless plump physique
0:03:03 > 0:03:07and a voice like a '70s cartoon dog called Mr Trouser.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Surely that's enough to make us all like him.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15Earlier, I spoke to members of the famously easily led British public,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18who confirmed that they, stupid as they are,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21are no longer taken in.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Well, Boris was on TV today,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26but, suddenly, instead of a hilarious buffoon,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29all I saw was a strange, middle-aged politician
0:03:29 > 0:03:33with a look of desperate ambition in his eyes,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35and it was so disturbing, I had to turn over to Countryfile
0:03:35 > 0:03:37and try to forget that I voted for Brexit
0:03:37 > 0:03:39because of that clearly fraudulent twat!
0:03:39 > 0:03:40LAUGHTER
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Of course, there is now speculation over whether Boris's complete lack
0:03:43 > 0:03:46of credibility may affect his position as one of
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Britain's most powerful men.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Probably not, though.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Back to you, Susan.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Nathan there, telling us what we already knew.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56LAUGHTER
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Oh, come on.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I mean, what about the time that Boris got his head stuck in a bin?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01That was brilliant.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02I don't recall that, Tom.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04There was a fish in the bin and he went to grab it,
0:04:04 > 0:04:05and he got his head stuck,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07and then he had to run off with the bin on his head,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09because he was chased by Officer Dibble.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11LAUGHTER
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I think you're thinking of the old cartoon series Top Cat,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20which is, of course, different to the news.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21LAUGHTER
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I know what I saw.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:26More news later.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31CHEERING
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Thank you, Newsdesk.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Yes, we're coming to you in the week that the BBC revealed
0:04:36 > 0:04:41the new Doctor Who will be Broadchurch actress Jodie Whittaker.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43A woman playing Doctor Who?!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45What's next? A black James Bond?!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47A gay Batman?!
0:04:47 > 0:04:52An Asian comedian hosting a prime-time TV comedy show?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Yes, that's right,
0:04:59 > 0:05:03and next we're coming for all of your jobs!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06This is political correctness gone mad.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11But the big story for me is Brexit, the elephant in every room.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Brexit is happening, whether you voted for it or not,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17so the issue is now how the negotiations are progressing.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20On Monday, David Davis sat down with Michel Barnier,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22the EU's chief Brexit negotiator.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Now, I've got a little tip for you, David.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26If you're involved in what you've described
0:05:26 > 0:05:29as "the most complicated negotiations of all time",
0:05:29 > 0:05:33maybe bring something to write with and maybe some notes.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:38 > 0:05:41It doesn't exactly inspire confidence.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43You can imagine the negotiations starting with,
0:05:43 > 0:05:44"Do you have any demands?"
0:05:44 > 0:05:47"Yes, the UK is insistent that I be given a spare piece of paper
0:05:47 > 0:05:51"and one of those pens that has all the different colours in it."
0:05:51 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Showing up with no notes, though, is confident,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58so Davis must be absolutely nailing it, right?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01The short answer is no.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03The long answer is NOOOO!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:08He opened negotiations on the back foot.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Having gone in insisting that there would be a parallel
0:06:10 > 0:06:14discussion on trade, on day one, the EU president insisted that
0:06:14 > 0:06:17would not happen, to which David Davis responded,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19"Yeah, that's cool."
0:06:19 > 0:06:21That was the first day!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23That's like if I'd started this show by saying,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"Welcome to The Mash Report. My name's Nish Kumar.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27"This week's top story - I've shat myself."
0:06:27 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Not all the decisions have been completely illogical.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38The civil service recruited negotiators who helped bring
0:06:38 > 0:06:39the Olympic games to London,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41which was a complex international negotiation.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43The motto of the London Olympics was, of course,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"Inspire a generation."
0:06:45 > 0:06:47But, in retrospect, it probably should have been,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"This is the last time any of you will be happy."
0:06:49 > 0:06:52LAUGHTER
0:06:52 > 0:06:55The negotiations have been further complicated by infighting
0:06:55 > 0:06:57within the Tory party, between the Remainers,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01people who want Brexit, and people who really want Brexit.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04On Tuesday, Theresa May reminded her ministers of the folly
0:07:04 > 0:07:07of infighting, to which her ministers presumably responded,
0:07:07 > 0:07:09"Oh! You're still here!"
0:07:09 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER "Oh!"
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Tensions were also high at the annual Spectator garden party
0:07:18 > 0:07:21between Boris Johnson and David Davis,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23and their respective representatives,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26over allegations that Davis' people have been briefing against
0:07:26 > 0:07:27the Foreign Secretary.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30One of Johnson's allies is reported to have called for
0:07:30 > 0:07:34all briefings to stop, or - and this is the genuine direct quote -
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"I'll kick you in the bollocks."
0:07:36 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:41To which Davis' ally replied,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43"Well, I'll kick YOU in the bollocks."
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Our country's future is in the hands of people who operate
0:07:48 > 0:07:52on a rhetorical level one notch below "he who smelt it dealt it".
0:07:52 > 0:07:54LAUGHTER
0:07:54 > 0:07:56So, why is everyone fighting?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59It seems to be because no-one really knows what Brexit means
0:07:59 > 0:08:03or what the long-term consequences will be, and it really is starting
0:08:03 > 0:08:07to feel like we've not put our most talented people on the task.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10There's child of Unimaginative Naming Magazine's parents of the decade,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12David Davis...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:18APPLAUSE
0:08:18 > 0:08:22..a man who, during his bid for the leadership of the Tory party,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25decided it would be a good idea to dress women in tight T-shirts
0:08:25 > 0:08:29saying, "It's DD for me."
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Just to clarify, his main selling point is,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34"My name sounds like a boob size!" LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Then you've got Theresa May,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39a woman whose most impressive achievement was being so ineffective
0:08:39 > 0:08:42that Jeremy Corbyn went from no-hoper to possible Prime Minister
0:08:42 > 0:08:44to Glastonbury headliner.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER
0:08:46 > 0:08:48And then there's Boris Johnson,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50a man with the vocabulary of a Victorian man
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and the political outlook of a Victorian man.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Only 22% of people are happy with how the Government
0:08:56 > 0:08:58are handling Brexit,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00so what is the solution?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02With public confidence in the toilet,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04we need something to turn this around.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06We need to think back to the last time
0:09:06 > 0:09:08we thought something was going to be a terrible disaster,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11and a huge waste of money, but ended up being amazing.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I'm, of course, talking about the 2012 Olympics.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Therefore, the only logical step is to
0:09:17 > 0:09:20get Danny Boyle to artistically direct Brexit.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Sod it!
0:09:26 > 0:09:30I say, let's get the whole gang back together.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Seb Coe, wherever he is, dust off that linen suit.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Let's revive that weird flying Mary Poppins air squadron,
0:09:37 > 0:09:41and let's get Mo Farah to just run laps of Brussels,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43just to intimidate everyone.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45And while we're at it, let's replace David Davis
0:09:45 > 0:09:47and Boris Johnson with those weird penis mascots.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:53And listen...
0:09:53 > 0:09:55If the going gets really tough,
0:09:55 > 0:09:59let's have James Bond parachute in with the actual Queen.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03You don't need a pen and paper when you've got 007 and big Liz.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06CHEERING
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Now, throughout the show, we'll have our social media editor,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Rachel Parris, over there feeding us everything that you,
0:10:14 > 0:10:16the great British public, are saying about The Mash Report
0:10:16 > 0:10:18and the stories we're covering.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21It's incredibly exciting because, in a UK television first,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24we won't filter or censor your messages.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Instead, we respect your freedom to offer bold, honest,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29and sometimes challenging opinions.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Rachel, over to you.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Thank you, Nish. That's right. Well done.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:41So, all you need to do is tweet or Facebook us
0:10:41 > 0:10:45with the handle #MashReport, and your thoughts,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49your observations or analysis will come directly through to me, myself.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Now, it absolutely... - LAUGHTER
0:10:51 > 0:10:54We're so desperate for your communication,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56so do please keep those coming.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57So, first up, we've got...
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Finners1 from Blackpool has sent in a question.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03He says, "Do people actually watch this shit?"
0:11:03 > 0:11:05LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Well, that's a question I think we're all asking ourselves.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09LAUGHTER
0:11:09 > 0:11:12And if any of you do know the answer to that question,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14please do get in touch with us.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Ah... Here's another one.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19This is from Spunky-Dunky666,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22who says, "Nish Kumar must have a fucking good agent."
0:11:22 > 0:11:25LAUGHTER
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Yes, he absolutely does, Spunky-Dunky666.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28He's a lovely man called Chris.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30He's very good at what he does.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Sorry, are there any serious ones?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Oh, yes, absolutely, Nish. So, here's one.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40RichieLoob has tweeted...
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- Oh, that's nice. That's actually nice.- Isn't it?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- And, "Here's a picture of my cock." - Oh.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Is there anything about the news?
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Yes, absolutely. So, let's see...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03This one is from SlippyPhil.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"..and Britons must be healthy for the coming race war."
0:12:12 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Nothing as important as our health, right, Nish?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19LAUGHTER
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Well, this has been disappointing.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Absolutely.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Back to you, Nish. - Thank you, Rachel Parris!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30CHEERING
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Elsewhere in the news, Donald Trump has had a difficult week,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38and we literally could have said that every week
0:12:38 > 0:12:42since the 20th of January, and it would have been true every time.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47Donald Trump's approval rating hit a record 70-year low of just 36%,
0:12:47 > 0:12:48and to put that in perspective,
0:12:48 > 0:12:52that is the RottenTomatoes.com approval rating of 2 Fast 2 Furious.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:12:59With all the controversy, Trump has been forced to retreat
0:12:59 > 0:13:00to his traditional support base -
0:13:00 > 0:13:04old ladies in Confederate flag bikinis and the Christian right.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Last week, Trump was interviewed by televangelist Pat Robertson
0:13:08 > 0:13:10in a scene that looks like a cross between Frost/Nixon
0:13:10 > 0:13:12and The Last Of The Summer Wine.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17So, why are American evangelicals supporting a man seemingly
0:13:17 > 0:13:19so antithetical to their Christian values?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21To shed more light on the Christian right's obsession with Trump,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24please welcome our religious affairs correspondent Andrew Hunter Murray.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- CHEERING - Thank you. Thank you.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Andrew, welcome. So, let's get down to it -
0:13:32 > 0:13:36why is Donald Trump so big with American Christians?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Well, Nish, it's fair to say that Trump has been promoting
0:13:38 > 0:13:41traditionally hot-button issues for the Christian right -
0:13:41 > 0:13:43things like abortion, women's reproductive rights,
0:13:43 > 0:13:45sex education, that kind of thing.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47And what's his stance on all those?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49It's basically, "None of those things affect me or my buddies
0:13:49 > 0:13:51"in the slightest, so screw 'em."
0:13:51 > 0:13:53LAUGHTER
0:13:53 > 0:13:56OK, but how can a religious group, who prize modesty,
0:13:56 > 0:14:00helping others and fidelity, really get behind Donald Trump?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02He might be the Messiah.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I mean, you're going to have to explain that further.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Nish, think about it.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Christians don't love Donald Trump
0:14:18 > 0:14:20because he adheres to the teachings of Jesus -
0:14:20 > 0:14:21he obviously doesn't.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24They love them because they think he IS Jesus.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25They worship him.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Take a look at this gentleman.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29The Messiah will arrive
0:14:29 > 0:14:34and the end times will begin in the Jewish calendar year 5777.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39That's 2016 to 2017, the Messiah will arrive.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Now they're looking at Donald Trump.
0:14:41 > 0:14:46One of the rabbis illustrated how his name in the gematria...
0:14:46 > 0:14:49the numerology of his name actually means Messiah.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51LAUGHTER
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Open and shut, Nish.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:14:59So, is the Donald the Messiah?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01To find out a little more,
0:15:01 > 0:15:05I spoke to some genuine leading Christians to get their view.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07CHOIR SINGS
0:15:08 > 0:15:10President Donald Trump once said The Art Of The Deal
0:15:10 > 0:15:14was the second-greatest book ever written, after the Bible.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16He put the Bible first.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- It is that kind of humility... - LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:20..which has led many to conclude that Donald Trump may
0:15:20 > 0:15:22be the new Messiah,
0:15:22 > 0:15:23but is he?
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Without any definitive proof that Donald Trump is the prophet
0:15:27 > 0:15:29many evangelical Christians hope him to be,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I went to speak to former MP, devoted Christian,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34and star of ITV's reality show
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- Sugar-Free Farm, Ann Widdecombe. - LAUGHTER
0:15:36 > 0:15:39What about these very enthusiastic Trump supporters?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41At various rallies that Trump held,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44there were people with signs saying "Trump the Redeemer",
0:15:44 > 0:15:46"Trump is Christ",
0:15:46 > 0:15:49"It's not a comb-over, it's a halo".
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- LAUGHTER - No. I mean, these are not sentiments
0:15:53 > 0:15:55that would appeal to any serious Christian.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58We have one Redeemer - one Redeemer.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00But aren't there are similarities between the two?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01No.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- There are no parallels whatsoever? - No.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Christ said, "Blessed are those who have not seen but still believe."
0:16:07 > 0:16:08He did.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12How different is that from Donald Trump saying,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15"I will show you my tax returns at some point"?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - There is nothing uniquely comparable to Christ in Donald Trump.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21One last thing.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24A lot of people have seen images of Christ.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27So...
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Mm-hmm?
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Some people have seen Donald Trump in butter.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Ah... Is that real?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Is that real? Is that real?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40OK.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43It seems Ann Widdecombe is unconvinced by Donald Trump's
0:16:43 > 0:16:45messianic qualities, so I went to see Paul Turp,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47the vicar at Shoreditch Parish Church.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49There are a lot of similarities, aren't there,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52between Christ and Donald Trump?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54The way that huge numbers of people
0:16:54 > 0:16:59came out in their thousands and thousands to vote for him
0:16:59 > 0:17:03and support him, and the way that the elites
0:17:03 > 0:17:08are really worried and scared and want nothing to do with him...
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- that is a frightening parallel. - LAUGHTER
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Do you think that Jesus would have voted for Trump?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I think undoubtedly.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- LAUGHTER - You think he would have voted for Trump?- Absolutely.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Do you think Christ would have brought back waterboarding?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- LAUGHTER - No.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29Jesus was very famous for laying his hands on people to heal them.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Yeah.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Donald Trump, in the past,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35has spoken about grabbing people by the pussy.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- LAUGHTER - Mm-hmm.- Is it possible he was trying to heal them?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I don't think Donald was doing that for their benefit.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Is there a possibility he is the new Messiah?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - In political terms, huge chance.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50And in actual terms?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- In religious terms...- Yeah.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55..erm, very little chance.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56But a chance.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- I'm saying there's a chance. - All right.
0:17:59 > 0:18:04Garlanded by evangelical Christians, hailed by some as a prophet,
0:18:04 > 0:18:08there is every chance that Donald Trump may just be the next Messiah,
0:18:08 > 0:18:12despite being a tax-dodging, pussy-grabbing habitual liar
0:18:12 > 0:18:14who may not believe in God.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16CHEERING
0:18:24 > 0:18:27My main takeaway from that is...
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Ann Widdecombe is looking good since Sugar-Free Farm.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Isn't she just? Yes.- Yeah!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Thank you very much, Andrew Hunter Murray!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Let's go back to the Mash Newsdesk for the latest stories.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Corbyn connects with young people by vandalising bus shelter.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:58"Who are you?" ask wealthy parents as private schools
0:18:58 > 0:19:00begin summer holidays.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02LAUGHTER
0:19:04 > 0:19:06APPLAUSE
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Trump thinks impeachment means really enjoying a peach.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13LAUGHTER
0:19:13 > 0:19:19But first, a 28-year-old man expects praise for not being a misogynist.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Roy Hobbs thinks his decision to treat women as equals warrants
0:19:30 > 0:19:33the kind of respect normally afforded top scientists
0:19:33 > 0:19:36or people who've donated their bone marrow.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38LAUGHTER
0:19:38 > 0:19:44Uh... I guess I'm just a, sort of, thoughtful sort of guy.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47When I watch pornography, I always make sure it's,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49you know, really nicely lit,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- and it's a romantic scene. - LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Um... What else?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I like Wonder Woman, abortions,
0:19:56 > 0:20:01and I'm also reading a book by a woman at the moment -
0:20:01 > 0:20:07a long one, as well - so I suppose you could say...
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I'm some sort of hero, really. Well, maybe not.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Maybe not...
0:20:11 > 0:20:12but maybe I am, you know?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14LAUGHTER
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Roy Hobbs there, just doing his bit.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25LAUGHTER
0:20:25 > 0:20:28ITV's prediction that you like morons rutting on an island
0:20:28 > 0:20:30has proved depressingly accurate.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32LAUGHTER
0:20:32 > 0:20:35As reality series Love Island continues to captivate the nation,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Emma met its producer to ask him why you like it
0:20:38 > 0:20:40and how he sleeps at night.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Here I am on so-called Love Island,
0:20:43 > 0:20:47where a group of women with huge breasts and small, mean faces,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49plus a gang of neckless mouth-breathers,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52are currently doing it in some sort of hut thing.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56I spoke to ITV executive Tom Booker, the visionary genius behind the show
0:20:56 > 0:20:59that has captured Britain's dark heart.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Yeah, normally we'd dress this thing up as
0:21:01 > 0:21:05a kind of bold social experiment that's pushing the boundaries.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Nah, not this time, no.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10It's just idiots rutting on the sand.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Yeah, it's strong and simple...
0:21:13 > 0:21:14like our contestants.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:17 > 0:21:20So, Emma, do you know what's in store this week on Love Island?
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I can reveal there's more depressing fake emotion from knuckleheads
0:21:24 > 0:21:26who will shortly have a brief DJ career,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29before getting arrested for trashing a Nando's.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Plus, the introduction of Dax, a super-hot horse
0:21:32 > 0:21:35who everyone will fancy.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37LAUGHTER
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Count me in!
0:21:41 > 0:21:44We'll be back with more later.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46CHEERING
0:21:50 > 0:21:53So, as part of the push for greater diversity at the BBC,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56we've reached out to a Conservative,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59so I'm very excited to introduce Geoff Norcott,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01with a section we call Bursting The Bubble.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Thank you. Very kind. Thank you. Very, very kind.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Have we got any other Tories in?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- It's going to be a long four minutes, isn't it?- Yeah!
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Not only are you a Tory, Geoff, you're also a working-class Tory.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18That's right. That's right.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I grew up on a council estate, and my dad was a trade union man,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23so growing up I was sort of like a political Billy Elliot.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Do you know what I mean? I had to... It was very difficult for me.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I had to hide the Telegraph inside a copy of Razzle. It was tough.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31LAUGHTER And what are you going to be
0:22:31 > 0:22:34covering for us on this week's Bursting The Bubble, Geoff?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Today, Nish, I'm going to be telling you some harsh truths
0:22:36 > 0:22:37about NHS funding.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40OK, I'm going into this with an open mind.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Oh, yeah. I heard you liberals are capable of that.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER
0:22:44 > 0:22:47So, last week, the Office for Budget Responsibility,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50they issued their fiscal risks report, which highlighted
0:22:50 > 0:22:54that health spending was the biggest threat to Government economic plans.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55And would you agree, Nish,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58that the NHS is under pressure like never before?
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Yeah, definitely.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I mean, there's an inherent funding problem, isn't there?
0:23:01 > 0:23:05You put in money, you develop new medicines, new machinery,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07people live...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Yeah... LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- It's a vicious circle.- I...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13LAUGHTER
0:23:13 > 0:23:17OK, I would say that the NHS is perhaps a victim of its own success.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19OK, well, fair enough,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22but do you agree that there are people abusing free health care?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Do you think that that's a fair shout?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28OK, there are people who maybe use the NHS when they don't need to.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29- Yeah.- I'll agree with that.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32OK, and by people, let's say which people - old people.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33- OK, let's...- I mean, there's...
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Wait, hold on. Hold on, Geoff. Hold on, mate.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Well, the elderly, Nish, I mean, they've just...
0:23:38 > 0:23:40They should be dead by now, but they're just...
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- LAUGHTER - They're just stringing it out,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44and just hanging on in there,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47frankly, taking the piss, and...
0:23:47 > 0:23:48I think what you'd need...
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I think you would need an age where treatment stops,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53where you say, "Look, you've had a good go at it, but I think that's...
0:23:53 > 0:23:56"I think you're done now." And I...
0:23:56 > 0:23:57I've got an age in mind.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I think we're all thinking it, so I'll say it - 80.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- I think you're done... - LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I think you're done when you're 80.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05What, you want to stick around for another golden year
0:24:05 > 0:24:08in the dayroom watching Cash In The Attic? We...
0:24:08 > 0:24:10We want your cash that's in the attic. That's...
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - That's... That's the plan.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I would describe that round of applause as concerning.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Come on, Geoff, you can't be serious.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25I know a lot of people think,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28"But, Geoff, I know particularly vigorous 80-year-olds."
0:24:28 > 0:24:29And I'm not a monster,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- so, of course, there should be an appeals process.- OK, well, that...
0:24:32 > 0:24:34LAUGHTER OK, that is better.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Yeah, and by "appeals process" I mean "televised talent show".
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- LAUGHTER Right.- So, it's...
0:24:39 > 0:24:42It's going to be called "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Ethel?"
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Right? Cos they... They...
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- Because the old dears, they love a singsong, don't they?- Sure.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49So get them out, and she comes out and sings We'll Meet Again.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52"Will we meet again, Ethel? Let's go to the public vote." Erm...
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- LAUGHTER - Sorry, love.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Sorry, love, you haven't made it.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59You're not going to London but you might be going to Switzerland, so...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- LAUGHTER Geoff, Geoff...- It's...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- APPLAUSE - They like it.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Geoff, I'm trying to keep an open mind,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12but you are losing me here, mate.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14OK, look, let's come at this from another angle.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15- I'll throw a stat at you.- OK.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18It's estimated that 30,000 people a day miss doctor's appointments.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Right? You've go to agree that's a problem, right?
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Yeah, that's a problem.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Yeah.- And I'm not saying you should charge those people,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27but I do think if you miss three on the bounce, outside the doctor's
0:25:27 > 0:25:30surgery should be a photo of your face with the word "Chlamydia?"
0:25:30 > 0:25:32LAUGHTER
0:25:32 > 0:25:34I do not have chlamydia, OK?!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER
0:25:37 > 0:25:39What do you mean?!
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Well, you throw it about a bit, but, erm...
0:25:40 > 0:25:42NISH GIGGLES
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I mean, much as I wish it wasn't, that is factually untrue!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- Are you done?- I could tell you my views on foster care...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Ladies and gentlemen, Geoff Norcott!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- CHEERING - Thank you, thank you...
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Right, let's go over to Rachel Parris at the social media wall
0:26:05 > 0:26:07to see all the latest comment and analysis from
0:26:07 > 0:26:10the Great British public to the stories we've been covering tonight.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Rachel, what have the people been saying?
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Thanks, Nish.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16So, please do keep sending in your thoughts.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19We're incredibly grateful for any messages at all at this stage.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:24So, this one comes from Norman Legge. He asks...
0:26:31 > 0:26:33LAUGHTER
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Rachel, is there anything about any of the issues?
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Yes, absolutely. Yes, OK, so this one's from JimmyThickBits.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:45So, Jimmy writes...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- LAUGHTER - Lovely.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54So, thank you so much, Jimmy,
0:26:54 > 0:26:58for bringing a bit of much-needed balance there.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02BBC pay really capturing the imagination of the viewers, Nish.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Jehovas-Bell comments...
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Oh, nice. That's a refreshing take on the whole thing.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13"Because he will burn eternally for being a sodomist."
0:27:13 > 0:27:15LAUGHTER
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Thank you very much, Rachel Parris!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26CHEERING
0:27:27 > 0:27:31And we just have time for one last visit to the Mash Newsdesk.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Closing headlines...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Tories to keep eating each other until there's just
0:27:43 > 0:27:44one big Tory left.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:50"That flower was gagging for it," says bee.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:53 > 0:27:57And Britons reminded not to fax while driving.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59LAUGHTER
0:27:59 > 0:28:03But first, a middle-class family is recovering after being forced to
0:28:03 > 0:28:05travel on a Megabus.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08LAUGHTER
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Emma has more on the story for us. Emma.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14Bill McKay, a well-spoken man with his own office,
0:28:14 > 0:28:16travelled to London from Reading with his wife, Lucy,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18and three polite children,
0:28:18 > 0:28:20to see some tasteful art at the Tate Modern,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22but what should have been a status-affirming day out
0:28:22 > 0:28:25turned into a smelly, low-budget nightmare
0:28:25 > 0:28:28when train cancellations left the Waitrose-frequenting family
0:28:28 > 0:28:30with no option but to take a Megabus.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36I took the last remaining seat, next to the lavatories,
0:28:36 > 0:28:41beside a gentleman who was very loudly playing music from his phone.
0:28:44 > 0:28:50The air was full of the sounds and smells of people devouring
0:28:50 > 0:28:52all sorts of different provisions.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54- LAUGHTER - A child was screaming,
0:28:54 > 0:28:58and a woman two rows in front of me weeping audibly.
0:28:58 > 0:28:59I...
0:28:59 > 0:29:02I was a little concerned that my proximity to the WC would be
0:29:02 > 0:29:05a problem, but it was such a relatively short journey
0:29:05 > 0:29:08that I thought, "Well, nobody could have cause to defecate."
0:29:08 > 0:29:11LAUGHTER
0:29:11 > 0:29:12How wrong I was.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14LAUGHTER
0:29:16 > 0:29:19At the end of their agonising two-hour journey, the McKay family
0:29:19 > 0:29:23were airlifted to a sushi restaurant and given an emergency harpist.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - They are expected to make a full recovery,
0:29:26 > 0:29:29although doctors believe Lucinda McKay may write a book.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32- LAUGHTER - We'll be back with more later.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34CHEERING
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for watching.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Join us next week for more fake news, real news,
0:29:42 > 0:29:44and everything in between.
0:29:44 > 0:29:45Goodnight!
0:29:45 > 0:29:47CHEERING