0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Hello and welcome to The Mash Report,
0:00:28 > 0:00:30the show that deals with all the confusion and insanity
0:00:30 > 0:00:33in the modern world by making it ever so slightly worse.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36We'll have correspondents and analysis with me, Nish Kumar,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40but first, over to the Mash News Desk for all the latest headlines.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Headlines on the hour:
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Boots puts morning-after pill in aisle marked "slags".
0:00:50 > 0:00:54LAUGHTER
0:00:55 > 0:01:00UK to bend over and get incredible US trade deal.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02LAUGHTER
0:01:02 > 0:01:07And fertility crisis as human sperm mostly hitting computer monitors.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:15But first, students are in a state of shock tonight
0:01:15 > 0:01:18after discovering Jeremy Corbyn isn't real.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER
0:01:20 > 0:01:23It emerged the kindly, bearded figure who they believed
0:01:23 > 0:01:26would come down their chimneys with money for tuition fees
0:01:26 > 0:01:29was actually just made up to get their votes.
0:01:31 > 0:01:37So I was told that Corbyn comes at the start of every term
0:01:37 > 0:01:41on a sledge pulled by a socialist reindeer collective.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45If you've been studying hard for your degree,
0:01:45 > 0:01:50then he brings you money, and a jar of homemade jam.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55Then last week, I caught my dad signing a cheque for £9,000...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58..and it was them all along - not Corbyn.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03The Labour Party has since denied starting the Corbyn myth,
0:02:03 > 0:02:07although it confirmed Tony Blair is real and lives in a drain
0:02:07 > 0:02:08preying on the innocent.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Currently wowing cinema goers is summer blockbuster Dunkirk,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22starring Harry Styles of One Direction,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24but the film has angered historians who claim
0:02:24 > 0:02:28the film airbrushes out the other fearless boy bands,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30including Take That, Blue
0:02:30 > 0:02:34and Blazin' Squad, who played a major part in the evacuation.
0:02:34 > 0:02:41As German troops attacked British positions to the north of Dunkirk,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44a spirited defence was put up
0:02:44 > 0:02:47by the members of East 17.
0:02:48 > 0:02:54It's difficult to imagine today just what those boy bands went through.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57At one point, a British artillery commander
0:02:57 > 0:03:01took on German Panzers single-handedly.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02That man...
0:03:02 > 0:03:05was Jason Orange.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Thank you, News Desk.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Our main story tonight concerns the Trump presidency,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20which at this point is essentially the answer to the question,
0:03:20 > 0:03:22"What would happen if The West Wing was written by Adam Sandler?"
0:03:25 > 0:03:27On this side of the pond, things look bad.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30People are throwing around words like "impeachment",
0:03:30 > 0:03:32but that may be further away than we think.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35This week, Trump addressed the West Virginia Boy Scout Jamboree
0:03:35 > 0:03:38and it was so weird!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41To the group of largely teenage boys, Trump spoke about
0:03:41 > 0:03:45the cesspool in Washington, and said he was going to kill Obamacare.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47He then banged on about the election.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50And you know, we have a tremendous disadvantage
0:03:50 > 0:03:54in the electoral college. Popular vote is much easier.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57We have it tough because New York, California, Illinois,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00you have to practically run the East Coast.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05You know, I went to Maine four times because it's one vote, and we won!
0:04:05 > 0:04:08But we won. One vote.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12I went there because I kept hearing, "We're 269,"
0:04:12 > 0:04:16but then Wisconsin came in. Many, many years.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Obviously, I have a lot of thoughts here,
0:04:22 > 0:04:27but my first one is that he has two teleprompters in that clip!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29What is on them?!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Is it just in square brackets the words, "Riff, you're doing great"?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I hate to ruin the illusion, but I have teleprompters for this show.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41I'm literally reading these words off it now, and these words,
0:04:41 > 0:04:42and these words.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45It's all on there, even the phrase, "It's all on there"!
0:04:45 > 0:04:50But there is no way that someone is writing down that nonsense for him verbatim!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53So I guess he starts with the script,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55but very quickly goes off piste.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Imagine if other presidents had taken this tactic?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00History would have been very different if JFK had said:
0:05:13 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:17 > 0:05:20And then there's whatever the fuck this is.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22He bought back his company,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24and he bought back a lot of empty land,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27and he worked hard on getting it zoning and he worked hard
0:05:27 > 0:05:33on starting to develop, and in the end he failed, and he failed badly.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I saw him at a cocktail party.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38He was very sad because the hottest people in New York
0:05:38 > 0:05:42were at this party - it was the party of Steve Ross.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Steve Ross, who was one of the great people,
0:05:44 > 0:05:48he came up and discovered, really, founded Time Warner,
0:05:48 > 0:05:52and he was a great guy, he had a lot of successful people at the party.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54And I was doing well so I got invited to the party.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I was very young.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58LAUGHTER
0:05:58 > 0:06:01He's talking to boy scouts...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05This is how you know Donald Trump clearly had
0:06:05 > 0:06:08no hand in raising his kids, cos he's clearly got no idea
0:06:08 > 0:06:11how to communicate with children or what interests them.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13If Trump ever writes a children's book, and at this point,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16we can't rule that or indeed anything out,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18expect it to be a dry affair.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21JK Rowling wouldn't have sold many copies of
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Harry Potter And The 1970s Cocktail Party For Businessmen.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29Meanwhile, the Russian investigation rumbled on with the interview of Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32a man who looks like he was breast-fed until this morning.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:38 > 0:06:41The Kush was present at a meeting with a Russian attorney,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43but he claims no collusion took place,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45and any mistakes he may have made were because:
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Continuing the White House defence of,
0:06:50 > 0:06:54"We can't be guilty - we don't know what we're doing!"
0:06:54 > 0:06:57But with all this going on, Trump is delivering to his base.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01When we think of Trump supporters, we probably think of these guys.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04The received wisdom is that he was elected by low-income Americans.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07However, when you break down the 2016 election result,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Hillary Clinton won a higher share of the vote among people
0:07:10 > 0:07:13earning under 49,000 per year.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16It's only once you look at people earning 50K
0:07:16 > 0:07:18and above that Trump wins.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22A lot of Trump supporters are middle-income earners and the wealthy,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25so if we reconfigure our understanding of what his base is,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28it becomes apparent that Trump is doing absolutely fine,
0:07:28 > 0:07:30and that's reflected in the people that have
0:07:30 > 0:07:32hitched their wagon to the Trump train.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Take this week's news that Trump's new communications director
0:07:35 > 0:07:37will be Anthony Scaramucci,
0:07:37 > 0:07:41a man who looks like a villain in literally every '80s movie.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44He was initially a supporter of Barack Obama
0:07:44 > 0:07:47but turned against him over Obama's attempts to reform Wall Street,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50which was presumably an affront to his background
0:07:50 > 0:07:52as an investment banker for Goldman Sachs and Lehman Brothers.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56This decision has of course led to the departure of Sean Spicer,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59the man who put the Sean Spicer into the phrase,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"Another catastrophic error by Sean Spicer."
0:08:03 > 0:08:06But there's a reason why the wealthy are backing him.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10His tax plan hands a 4.6% tax cut to the richest Americans,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12and following Tuesday's vote,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15if the Senate approves the proposed Republican healthcare plan,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19it would hand people who earn 875,000 and above
0:08:19 > 0:08:24an average tax saving of 45,500 a year,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26so talk of impeachment is naive.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28And it's not because of old Johnny T-shirt Cannon,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30or some lady in a Confederate flag bikini.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32It's because of Trump's real support base -
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Scrooge McDuck, Richie Rich and the bloke who lives in Monopoly.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Now, we do have a paragraph to bring this whole thing to a close
0:08:41 > 0:08:43right here, but I thought, what better tribute
0:08:43 > 0:08:46can I pay to Trump than by going off script and just winging it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48So here we go!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51American, big country - the biggest, so big!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54President Trump - rich people - big fan!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Unless huge change,
0:08:57 > 0:08:58he's president many years.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Boy scouts rock. Good night, London.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Right, let's go over to Rachel Parris
0:09:08 > 0:09:12at our hashtag no filter social media wall for a genuine conversation with you,
0:09:12 > 0:09:13the Great British public. Rachel.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15What are the people saying on social media?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Thank you, Nish. Yes.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Please, do keep tweeting, Facebooking and snapchatting us
0:09:22 > 0:09:23your comments to:
0:09:24 > 0:09:27..about any of the stories that we're covering.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28So first off,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30let's take a look at what people are saying about the show.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Gary Hambles tweets:
0:09:35 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:38He obviously does know you.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- Is there anything topical, Rachel?- Yes.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Here's a really sweet one here from Granny Smell. She says:
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Ah, that's sweet. Welcome, Granny Smell.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Well, congratulations to you.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I think we're all thinking of you, Granny Smell.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Let's not think about Granny Smell.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- Is there anything on any of the topics?- Yes.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Doctorr Poo gets in touch to say:
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Ah, that's great. That's really refreshingly open-minded thinking. That's what we want.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Oh, come on!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Mm. - Thank you very much, Rachel Parris!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:29 > 0:10:34Now, I'm very excited to be able to introduce our Conservative commentator, Geoff Norcott!
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.- Hi, Geoff.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- Yeah, week two!- Week two.- Week two. Have we got any Tories in this week?
0:10:42 > 0:10:43- Yeah!- Yay!- Yes!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Four people, it's progress.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47What are you covering on this week's Bursting The Bubble?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Well, this week, Nish, Parliament ended
0:10:49 > 0:10:52and they brought to a close a period of unprecedented protest, right?
0:10:52 > 0:10:56But despite all that protest, not much really seemed to change, did it?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58We had a march against austerity but austerity's still happening,
0:10:58 > 0:11:02we had a march against Brexit but we're still leaving the EU, we had
0:11:02 > 0:11:06a women's march but Gary Lineker still earns more than the Queen, so...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Why do you think these marches achieve so little?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Well, change takes time, you know.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13It's very rare that a protest can effect real change in such
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- a short period of time. - It's liberals.- Ah, of course it is.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Yeah, it's liberals.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- The protest crowd in the main are middle class liberals.- Right.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I mean, you know, lovely people, but not very scary.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Have a look at this lot.
0:11:23 > 0:11:29I don't know if she's angry about Brexit or a lack of stationery options - it's not clear.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Have a look at this mob.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Yeah, I mean, this is the kind of event
0:11:32 > 0:11:35community support officers were made for, literally.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36And look at this woman.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39She doesn't even look cross!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42She looks like she's spotted somebody with free halloumi!
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Look, Geoff, why does it matter if the protesters look scary?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Well, cos for real change to take place, the Government need to
0:11:50 > 0:11:52look out the window and be scared of what might unfold,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55but they look at the modern protest crowd and they think,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57"They don't look very scary" - two squirts of a water cannon,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00they'll be in Ubers back to Henley on Thames. They're not...
0:12:00 > 0:12:01They're just...
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- They're probably only marching for their Fitbit targets, anyway!- OK.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:09 > 0:12:11OK, so what do we do about this?
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Well, the middle class need to treat protesting like childcare,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18plumbing, electrical work - realise they're shit at it
0:12:18 > 0:12:20and outsource it to working class people.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- You want to outsource protesting? - Because it...
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I mean, it's all got so bloody twee, hasn't it?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I went to the pay cut demo and they had people there selling jam.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Protest jam!
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- I mean, the biggest risk the police faced that day was wasps.- OK.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40OK, so, you give us an example, then,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43of what you consider to be an effective protest.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45OK, well, you look at working class protests, right, 1990,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48poll tax riots, Thatcher was gone later that year
0:12:48 > 0:12:50and the tax was eventually dropped by her successor,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53and it's cos people coming down from Sheffield to London in a minibus,
0:12:53 > 0:12:57they're not coming to see who can get the wittiest banner on Newsnight, are they?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59If you kettled them outside Debenhams,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02they're not going to think, "I'll nip in and get a Brabantia bin." I mean, these people...
0:13:02 > 0:13:07You fight that bit harder when you haven't got teeth, that's the, er...
0:13:07 > 0:13:10What I would say in response to that is, I think maybe
0:13:10 > 0:13:14you underestimate how motivated middle class protesters are.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16All right, then, why do the protests always happen on Saturdays?
0:13:16 > 0:13:21You know, it's like, "Yeah, I want to overthrow the establishment but Phoebe and I are going skiing,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23"we've already used up all our annual leave, so..."
0:13:26 > 0:13:31OK, OK, but, but...lefties can bring about change, though, Geoff.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- I mean, look at Jeremy Corbyn.- Well, I'd rather not, but... He... Yeah...
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Do you know what's weird about him
0:13:36 > 0:13:39is we've sort of over-corrected, somehow.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I mean, look at this photo of him. He looks like...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44He does still get that look sometimes, like a pensioner
0:13:44 > 0:13:47at a service station who thinks he's lost his coach party.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:50And he's always talking about re-nationalising things.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I mean, it's a nice idea, Jez, but it's not going to happen.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56It's like your dad going, "Kids, I'm thinking of getting the band back together."
0:13:56 > 0:13:59"No, you're not, Dad. Just go and sit in the shed and wait for death."
0:13:59 > 0:14:04- That's the...- But nevertheless, people are singing his name.- Hm-mm.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I mean, surely that would never happen for a Tory leader?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Probably not, probably not, but the thing is, the song itself,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11it sounds weird, doesn't it?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14# Oh Jeremy Corbyn! #
0:14:14 > 0:14:18They just sound so racked by middle class sort of doubt.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I mean, cos they haven't got much experience of public chanting,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24have they, cos that chant, it started off on the football terraces
0:14:24 > 0:14:27but they've made it sound like Songs Of Praise.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- But look, Geoff, people have a right to express themselves.- Hm, yeah, OK.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Maybe middle class protestors shouldn't outsource all of it to working classes,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37but maybe they should hire some proper football fans as writers.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Cos you know, football chants have got an undertone of menace,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45but they're also very creative, which I think is perfect for protests.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Now, I voted Leave, which with a liberal crowd I always want
0:14:48 > 0:14:49to follow up by saying "but I'm not a racist,"
0:14:49 > 0:14:54but...I'm aware that I look like a racist electrician from Billericay.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:14:59See, that's racism. You're racist now.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02You're all racist.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Like I say, I voted Leave,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06but the anti-Brexit chants have been rubbish so far.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Right.- If it was me, I'd go for something punchier like,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11# You're on your own You're on our o-own
0:15:11 > 0:15:14# You leave the single market You're fiscally alone. #
0:15:14 > 0:15:15That's just one example...
0:15:15 > 0:15:18# Dave Davis, whoa
0:15:18 > 0:15:20# He went for bilateral
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# He came back with fuck all
0:15:22 > 0:15:24# Dave Davis! #
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Just before we get savaged on Twitter,
0:15:29 > 0:15:30do you have anything pro-Brexit?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Of course, mate, of course! Of course.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34# Who ate all the fish? Who ate all our fish? #
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Norway. Turns out Norway...
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- Ladies and gentlemen, Geoff Norcott! - Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Cheers. Thank you.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51OK, let's go back to the News Desk for a quick update.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58The latest headlines:
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Brexit negotiations to last longer than the human race.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Liam Fox says, "I feel like chlorinated chicken tonight."
0:16:11 > 0:16:13And the Honey Monster has diabetes.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20But first, the BBC has confirmed it pays women less
0:16:20 > 0:16:23because they're smaller.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27We can go live to tiny Emma Bradford, who's at the BBC.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29That's right, Susan.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33BBC executives have claimed that men need higher wages
0:16:33 > 0:16:37because they eat more and require bigger clothes and houses.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40BBC executive Norman Steele had this to say.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Of course we pay men more. Is it seriously being suggested
0:16:43 > 0:16:46that these tiny, dainty women
0:16:46 > 0:16:49sipping their cups of tea with both hands like squirrels
0:16:49 > 0:16:53with nuts should have the same pay as these magnificent giants?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55You wouldn't give a Great Dane
0:16:55 > 0:16:58and a Yorkshire Terrier the same size food bowls.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Pft!
0:16:59 > 0:17:04I tried to put on a bit of weight to earn more,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07but they cut my salary to discourage me
0:17:07 > 0:17:12because they...didn't want me being all fat and sad.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Finally, Emma, has there been any comment from the BBC
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- about the pay disparity across the class divide?- Yes.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Tonight, Susan, the BBC has claimed it would pay working class staff the same,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26if it had any.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28LAUGHTER
0:17:32 > 0:17:37Adults who think it's quirky and fun to use words like "sleeps"
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and "holibobs" have been told to pack it the fuck in.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47We have Professor Brubaker in our Cardiff studio.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Professor, what other phrases should all be avoided by adults?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Other phrases that should never be spoken by anyone over the age of 20
0:17:54 > 0:17:58would be, "yummy," "totes" and "nom-nom."
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Thank you, Professor.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02That was amazeballs.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07And finally, a cat has denied assaulting another cat.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09LAUGHTER
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Six-year-old ginger Jazzy from Swindon has denied responsibility
0:18:13 > 0:18:16for a clash which left three-year-old neighbour Sparks
0:18:16 > 0:18:18needing stitches at the vets.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23Sparks was left with facial injuries incurring a veterinary bill for £110 including injections.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Meanwhile, Jazzy, who has a history of confrontational behaviour,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30if found guilty could lose his testicles.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33More news later.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35APPLAUSE
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Earlier this month, the National Police Chief's Council
0:18:41 > 0:18:43debated whether or not to arm the police.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47The debate's taking place against the backdrop of an 18% rise
0:18:47 > 0:18:49in violent crime and understandable concerns about terrorism.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51To help get to the bottom of this,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54please welcome our crime correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56APPLAUSE
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Evenin', all!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05LAUGHTER
0:19:07 > 0:19:11So, Andrew, why are people calling for all UK police to be armed?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Well, Nish, we're living in increasingly uncertain times,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16people are scared, and they want the police to have the maximum
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- possible resources at their disposal.- What kind of resources?
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Well, for one thing, the ability to pop a cap in a mother's ass.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Andrew, don't we know from the experiences of other countries
0:19:27 > 0:19:29that arming a police force increases
0:19:29 > 0:19:32the instances of injury to both civilians and police officers?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Well, possibly, yes, but we also know, from the movies, Nish,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37that the more...
0:19:37 > 0:19:40the more heavily armed a copper is,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42the safer we all are, OK,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45so what I propose is that we go one step further
0:19:45 > 0:19:49and we turn all British bobbies into maverick American movie cops.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51We give them some heat to pack
0:19:51 > 0:19:54and a back story that'll bust the chief's nuts wide open.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:03That idea is terrifying, Andrew,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06and also requires a lot of further explanation.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Well, that is exactly why I went into the field just to make
0:20:09 > 0:20:11sure that this definitely is a good idea.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21When Robert Peel established the Metropolitan Police in 1829,
0:20:21 > 0:20:26he said, "The police are the public and the public are the police."
0:20:26 > 0:20:29It's a powerful sentiment, but how much more effective would it
0:20:29 > 0:20:33have been if he'd said it while unloading an AK-47 into a crack den?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38To find out if the public would benefit from routinely arming
0:20:38 > 0:20:41all police officers, I went to speak to a Green Party spokesperson
0:20:41 > 0:20:44who definitely doesn't think that it's a good idea.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49Would it be better if our police were more like maverick
0:20:49 > 0:20:53American cops, armed to the teeth, playing by nobody's rules?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56No.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01- OK. A lot of people do say we need to get behind the police.- Mm-hm.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Is that because it makes it less likely that we'll get shot?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06There is a sense where it's not just a metaphor
0:21:06 > 0:21:09and literally it is the case that we should get behind them
0:21:09 > 0:21:13when they've put a cordon up and said, "We need to protect you."
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Have a look at this.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19OK? This is just a traditional country fete, OK?
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Everyone's having a good time. Looks pretty safe, doesn't it? But wait...
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Ah-ha!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Now, it's safer.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31OK?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Everyone here is safer,
0:21:33 > 0:21:37because of these guys and any guns she's carrying as well.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40I don't think so.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Um...although the person in the middle looks happy enough,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I don't think that's a situation in which people would generally
0:21:46 > 0:21:49feel that their lives aren't at greater risk.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52The LAPD say "to protect and to serve,"
0:21:52 > 0:21:56the Metropolitan Police motto is "total policing,"
0:21:56 > 0:21:59so I've been thinking of some possible catchphrases to make
0:21:59 > 0:22:02armed policing a bit more palatable.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- I just want to run a few of these past you, quickfire.- Sure.- OK.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06"Shot through the heart and you're to blame,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"you were doing 40 in a 30 lane."
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Well...
0:22:12 > 0:22:16"Shot through the heart" doesn't sound like an appropriate response,
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- so no, I wouldn't advocate that.- OK.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22"Guns don't kill people, but I do because I'm the police."
0:22:24 > 0:22:27OK. "You have the right to remain dead."
0:22:27 > 0:22:31No - you have a right not to be killed through lethal force unless
0:22:31 > 0:22:35it is absolutely necessary under the European Convention of Human Rights.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- Too long?- It's too long.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Our police officers do an incredible job under very difficult
0:22:46 > 0:22:48circumstances, so let's show them how much they mean to us
0:22:48 > 0:22:51by giving them what they really need - a gun, a back story
0:22:51 > 0:22:55and a mismatched partner who's way too old for this shit.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58APPLAUSE
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Even so, at this point in time, I still feel that a better solution
0:23:07 > 0:23:10may be to look at the cuts that have been made to police funding
0:23:10 > 0:23:13and numbers and support the force by reversing those,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16so I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one, Andrew.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18That was exactly what I thought you'd say, Nish.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20We're just two guys with very different points of view
0:23:20 > 0:23:23who somehow come to a grudging respect for each other.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26That is the most maverick cop thing there is.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- CHEERING - Thank you.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Let's go over to Rachel Parris
0:23:33 > 0:23:35at the hashtag no filter social media wall
0:23:35 > 0:23:38for all your latest comments about the stories we've been covering.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39That's right, Nish.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42We've been getting a lot of comments about the stories.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44MadLankyFrazer gets in touch to say:
0:23:49 > 0:23:51GROANS
0:23:51 > 0:23:56Solutions, not problems from MadLankyFrazer there.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01And here's a really powerfully political one from AngrySteve828, who comments:
0:24:07 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER
0:24:08 > 0:24:11That's a great point, yes.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- Let's maybe just have one more, I think, Rachel.- Sure.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16So finally, here's a great one from a story from earlier.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18This is from CommonSenseMale, who says:
0:24:28 > 0:24:32A lovely upbeat passionate tweet to end on there. Back to you, Nish.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Rachel Parris, everyone.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36APPLAUSE
0:24:42 > 0:24:44We've just got time for one last visit to the Mash News Desk.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Closing headlines:
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Chocolate bars seem smaller because you are fatter.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Henry Hoover watches you while you sleep.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05LAUGHTER
0:25:05 > 0:25:09And Noel Edmonds' wife questioned over absence of mercy killing.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14But first, the Liberal Democrat party has confirmed plans
0:25:14 > 0:25:17to get itself a website.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21In his first act as leader,
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Vince Cable has hired his 15-year-old nephew Julian Cook
0:25:25 > 0:25:31to build a no-frills internet site for the party with its policies,
0:25:31 > 0:25:37history and a contact email address - libdems04@btinternet.com.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43It's the question on everyone's lips - are you a TNCWOK?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Hot on the heels of JAMs and the squeezed middle,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49TNCWOK is the latest bullshit family demographic sweeping Britain.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53We're joined in our Cardiff studio by Professor Henry Brubaker
0:25:53 > 0:25:55of the Institute for Studies.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Professor Brubaker, what is a TNCWOK and am I one?
0:25:59 > 0:26:03TNCWOKs are two income, nearly affluent,
0:26:03 > 0:26:05car-owning with one or more kids families.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Obviously, discovering there are families with several children
0:26:09 > 0:26:12and a car is quite a significant finding.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16I understand TNCWOKs are just the latest of several dozen
0:26:16 > 0:26:18bullshit family types invented this week.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Hm, yes.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Well, there's SRFSFOs -
0:26:21 > 0:26:22semi-retired, fucking smug,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24four owls.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Are these owl-owning SRF things happy or sad?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Should we aspire to be them or despise them as shameful and pathetic?
0:26:32 > 0:26:36It's best to look down on people wherever possible.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40We've also discovered a male demographic we call MWKPTMAPBA.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43That's man who keeps planning to make a proper barbecue area,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45obviously.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47And then there's DIACNHs.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Dual income adult children no heads.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54They eat a lot of ready meals, enjoy torture porn
0:26:54 > 0:26:57and have a deep sense of foreboding about the future of the cosmos.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Thank you, Professor. Some great bullshit there.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06An attractive 32-year-old woman believes a man is her friend.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Single Joanna Kramer sees her relationship with Wayne Hayes,
0:27:14 > 0:27:18also single, as being a straightforward mates type situation
0:27:18 > 0:27:19that both of them are fine with.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Emma Bradford is at the scene for us.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Susan, can a man and a woman ever really be friends?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29The answer, of course, is yes, but one of those friends will
0:27:29 > 0:27:32definitely be in a constant state of forlorn emotional calamity.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37I caught up with Joanna Kramer and "friend" Wayne Hayes earlier.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- Yeah, we spend a lot of time together...- Yes.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42But it's like, it's never even, like, remotely weird with Wayne
0:27:42 > 0:27:47cos he's just, like, really funny and just completely like non-sexual.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49You know what I mean?
0:27:49 > 0:27:52It's like...it's like having a gay friend but he's not actually gay.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Do you know what I mean? The thought of fancying Wayne...
0:27:54 > 0:27:57It'd feel like fancying a lamp or a table,
0:27:57 > 0:28:01- and I'm sure he feels the same about me.- Well... I'm not gay.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05It's not to say, like, you know, people don't find him attractive - just not me.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06And it's...
0:28:06 > 0:28:09But it's cos we're so close, I think just the thought of us kissing...
0:28:09 > 0:28:13- Oh, God!- ..just makes us, like, both feel totally sick, and...
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Aaaah.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18I know he's got a penis. Do you know what I mean?
0:28:18 > 0:28:22I know there's one in there, but it's not like a sort of...
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- It's not like an actual penis on a proper man.- OK.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Tonight, Wayne and Joanna have confirmed plans to do a pub quiz
0:28:29 > 0:28:32together, after which Wayne will go home and cry.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Back to you in the studio.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36That poor bastard.
0:28:36 > 0:28:41Reminds me of being at school when I was in love with my friend, Sarah.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Did you tell her?
0:28:43 > 0:28:46It was complicated because she was also my best friend's mum.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48LAUGHTER
0:28:48 > 0:28:50APPLAUSE
0:28:53 > 0:28:55That's all from the Mash Report.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58We'll be back next week for the lowdown on all the latest leaks and lies.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Thank you for watching. Good night!
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Subtitles by Ericsson