Episode 3

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Transcript

0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language

0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:26 > 0:00:28Hello and welcome to The Mash Report, the show that

0:00:28 > 0:00:32looks at the week's news and asks the question on everyone's lips -

0:00:32 > 0:00:35"What? Why is this happening?" and "Are we all going to die?"

0:00:35 > 0:00:40We're coming to you in a week that has seen some sad, sad news.

0:00:40 > 0:00:43Anthony Scaramucci, White House communications director

0:00:43 > 0:00:46and pound-shop Goodfella, has been fired.

0:00:46 > 0:00:51And now we've put together the highlights of his time in office.

0:00:51 > 0:00:53MUSIC: Nightswimming by REM

0:00:56 > 0:00:58# Nightsw... # MUSIC STOPS

0:00:58 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER

0:01:00 > 0:01:02APPLAUSE

0:01:04 > 0:01:07Good night, sweet Mooch. We hardly knew ye.

0:01:08 > 0:01:12And what we did know of ye is that ye were a crazy bastard.

0:01:12 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER

0:01:14 > 0:01:15Before we get on with the show,

0:01:15 > 0:01:18let's go over to the Mash news desk for the latest headlines.

0:01:24 > 0:01:25Headlines on the hour...

0:01:25 > 0:01:28Theresa May to return from holiday refreshed, revitalised

0:01:28 > 0:01:30and completely shit at her job.

0:01:30 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER

0:01:34 > 0:01:36Price of electricity to rise,

0:01:36 > 0:01:38say men who set the price of electricity.

0:01:38 > 0:01:40LAUGHTER

0:01:41 > 0:01:45And hot tub owners pretend it's not just a nasty sex pond.

0:01:45 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER

0:01:48 > 0:01:51But first, Tony Blair says he will probably do another Iraq War

0:01:51 > 0:01:55after getting off scot-free with the first one.

0:01:55 > 0:01:58After the High Court decided not to prosecute him,

0:01:58 > 0:01:59a cocky Blair left the court

0:01:59 > 0:02:02saying he wasn't afraid of no war crime bullshit,

0:02:02 > 0:02:04and he will invade Iraq again if he feels like it.

0:02:04 > 0:02:06LAUGHTER

0:02:09 > 0:02:11Let's join our reporter Nathan outside the court.

0:02:11 > 0:02:13Nathan, tell us, what's been happening?

0:02:13 > 0:02:15Blair arrived at the High Court

0:02:15 > 0:02:16wearing a tracksuit

0:02:16 > 0:02:18and claiming that, "The Feds ain't got no shit on me."

0:02:19 > 0:02:22As it was decided no action would be taken against him,

0:02:22 > 0:02:26he could be heard to comment, "Get in," before going outside

0:02:26 > 0:02:28and cracking open a can of lager.

0:02:28 > 0:02:32On the court's steps, Blair claimed he could invade another country

0:02:32 > 0:02:35and get away with it whenever he wanted to,

0:02:35 > 0:02:38adding that he had some serious gangster shit going on.

0:02:38 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER

0:02:39 > 0:02:43Prince Philip died - sorry - retired yesterday.

0:02:43 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER

0:02:45 > 0:02:48And following his final public engagement,

0:02:48 > 0:02:52the foreign-averse royal feels he can finally speak his mind.

0:02:52 > 0:02:53The reliably offensive Prince,

0:02:53 > 0:02:59who nobody realised was on his best behaviour for his last 50 years,

0:02:59 > 0:03:01now feels free to truly unleash the dark musings

0:03:01 > 0:03:03of his mad, privileged mind.

0:03:04 > 0:03:06Emma is at Buckingham Palace.

0:03:06 > 0:03:09Emma, how batshit is demob-happy Prince Philip being right now?

0:03:10 > 0:03:12Pretty batshit, Tom.

0:03:12 > 0:03:14Today, as he watched TV with the Queen,

0:03:14 > 0:03:15Philip saw of a clip of Usain Bolt

0:03:15 > 0:03:17and speculated for several minutes about

0:03:17 > 0:03:21whether African athletes practised by jumping over crocodiles.

0:03:21 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER

0:03:22 > 0:03:24Surely that's business as usual.

0:03:24 > 0:03:28Yes, but then he called Prince Charles a big-eared piss streak

0:03:28 > 0:03:30and launched a surprising broadside against the entire

0:03:30 > 0:03:34nation of Belgium, calling them mayonnaise-eating wankers.

0:03:34 > 0:03:36Then he phoned Brad Pitt to inform him

0:03:36 > 0:03:38that World War Z was a pile of toss.

0:03:40 > 0:03:43He really is a maverick and a true asset to the nation.

0:03:43 > 0:03:47Yes, it's very sad he'll no longer be doing whatever it is he did.

0:03:47 > 0:03:48LAUGHTER

0:03:48 > 0:03:51And finally, breast-feeding mums have confirmed that they

0:03:51 > 0:03:54are not offended by people looking at their amazing tits.

0:03:56 > 0:03:59The news, which comes during World Breast-feeding Week,

0:03:59 > 0:04:02a global celebration of jugs in action,

0:04:02 > 0:04:04reassures Britons that it's OK

0:04:04 > 0:04:07to admire a lovely pair of milk-engorged boobs,

0:04:07 > 0:04:10and that there's no need to be all weird and sly about it.

0:04:10 > 0:04:13Emma Bradford is in a cafe packed to the rafters

0:04:13 > 0:04:15with splendid motherly milk bags.

0:04:15 > 0:04:18Emma, how much of an eyeful are you getting?

0:04:18 > 0:04:21Susan, I am taking it all in and I'm loving it.

0:04:21 > 0:04:24Nursing women have completely incredible boobs that,

0:04:24 > 0:04:28up until now, could only be admired with a sly sideways glance.

0:04:29 > 0:04:32I know sometimes people feel uncomfortable about me

0:04:32 > 0:04:35using my body's natural secretions to keep my baby alive

0:04:35 > 0:04:38while out of the house, but that's why we're saying, like,

0:04:38 > 0:04:40don't divert your eyes,

0:04:40 > 0:04:43like, this is the best that my tits are ever going to look.

0:04:43 > 0:04:45Like, right now, you know, they're massive,

0:04:45 > 0:04:49but, you know, after this baby business they're...

0:04:49 > 0:04:51they're going south for the winter.

0:04:51 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER

0:04:52 > 0:04:54Back to you, Susan.

0:04:54 > 0:04:56Thanks, Emma. Mine are fake. More from us later.

0:04:56 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER

0:05:00 > 0:05:02APPLAUSE

0:05:03 > 0:05:06So, let's move on to Brexit.

0:05:06 > 0:05:09This week a Yougov poll revealed that 61% of Leave voters

0:05:09 > 0:05:13over 65 believe significantly damaging the economy is

0:05:13 > 0:05:15a price worth paying for Brexit.

0:05:15 > 0:05:18And half said they would be prepared to have a family member

0:05:18 > 0:05:21lose their job in order to get the Brexit they want.

0:05:21 > 0:05:25Now, speaking as a representative of the younger generation,

0:05:25 > 0:05:28let me just ask older Leave voters a question.

0:05:28 > 0:05:30Why do you hate us?!

0:05:30 > 0:05:32HE SOBS

0:05:32 > 0:05:35Was it fidget spinners?

0:05:35 > 0:05:37Was it the Kaiser Chiefs?

0:05:37 > 0:05:40Was it the Star Wars prequels?

0:05:40 > 0:05:42We hated them too!

0:05:42 > 0:05:44LAUGHTER

0:05:44 > 0:05:46So, how is it going?

0:05:46 > 0:05:48You'd have thought it'd be all quiet on the Brexit front,

0:05:48 > 0:05:50what with Theresa May off on holiday.

0:05:50 > 0:05:53That's right, the kitten heels are off, and the out-of-office is on,

0:05:53 > 0:05:55which presumably reads something like this...

0:06:15 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER

0:06:16 > 0:06:19Last week Chancellor Philip Hammond suggested there would be

0:06:19 > 0:06:21a transitional deal with the EU, which would mean the UK would

0:06:21 > 0:06:24have to continue with some version of freedom of movement.

0:06:24 > 0:06:27Then on Monday, a spokesperson for Number Ten said that

0:06:27 > 0:06:30freedom of movement would end in 2019.

0:06:30 > 0:06:31Things have got pretty confusing

0:06:31 > 0:06:33about what Brexit is going to entail.

0:06:33 > 0:06:36Take a look at this recent graph on the BBC News website,

0:06:36 > 0:06:39which is supposed to show where the Leave and Remain vote went

0:06:39 > 0:06:40at the general election.

0:06:40 > 0:06:42All that graph is telling me

0:06:42 > 0:06:45is that the news has finally had a breakdown.

0:06:45 > 0:06:49Brexit is in such a mess, even graphs have gone to shit.

0:06:49 > 0:06:52Unless it's a magic eye picture and you just have to look really

0:06:52 > 0:06:55carefully and eventually you'll be able to see the message -

0:06:55 > 0:06:56"Your country is fucked."

0:06:56 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER

0:06:58 > 0:07:00To add further insight into the Brexit process,

0:07:00 > 0:07:03please welcome our Brexit correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray!

0:07:03 > 0:07:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:07:05 > 0:07:07Thank you.

0:07:11 > 0:07:12- Hello, Nish.- Hello, Andrew.

0:07:12 > 0:07:15So, why is there so much infighting happening over Brexit?

0:07:15 > 0:07:18Well, we've got two basic problems, right?

0:07:18 > 0:07:20We need to sort out free movement of people,

0:07:20 > 0:07:23and we need to sort out trade deals with the rest of the world.

0:07:23 > 0:07:26So, how do we solve both of these issues at the same time?

0:07:26 > 0:07:27I mean, I would say a unified

0:07:27 > 0:07:30and cohesive sense of what our goals are going into these talks.

0:07:30 > 0:07:32No, Nish, no, absolutely not.

0:07:32 > 0:07:34What we need to do is take it a step further.

0:07:34 > 0:07:36What are you suggesting?

0:07:36 > 0:07:39I suggest we leave the rest of the world.

0:07:39 > 0:07:41LAUGHTER

0:07:42 > 0:07:45I mean, that's definitely going to require a second referendum.

0:07:45 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER

0:07:47 > 0:07:50I spoke to a couple of experts to see how we can begin

0:07:50 > 0:07:52- to truly take back control.- OK.

0:07:56 > 0:07:59Brexit has given us the perfect opportunity to shake off

0:07:59 > 0:08:01our European hangers-on.

0:08:01 > 0:08:03But despite Britain's best efforts to make

0:08:03 > 0:08:06the lines on maps of the Middle East nice and straight,

0:08:06 > 0:08:09or to heroically meet opium demand in 19th-century China,

0:08:09 > 0:08:12the rest of the world remains ungrateful.

0:08:12 > 0:08:15Could it be time for a British world exit or,

0:08:15 > 0:08:17as some people are calling it, a Bwexit?

0:08:19 > 0:08:23To discuss making Bwexit a reality, I spoke to Labour MP

0:08:23 > 0:08:26and notorious Remoaner Chris Bryant.

0:08:26 > 0:08:27Brexit is going to happen.

0:08:27 > 0:08:30But, if we want to become truly independent,

0:08:30 > 0:08:32why don't we go the whole hog,

0:08:32 > 0:08:34with Bwexit?

0:08:34 > 0:08:36Mmm... Bwexit?

0:08:36 > 0:08:38Bwexit is British world exit, OK?

0:08:38 > 0:08:41Britain makes countless weapons,

0:08:41 > 0:08:42we grow food,

0:08:42 > 0:08:46we make our own chairs, OK? Surely we can be independent.

0:08:46 > 0:08:49I don't think we do make our own chairs any more, do we?

0:08:49 > 0:08:51And we certainly don't grow all our own crops.

0:08:52 > 0:08:55If we could grow a few more crops and make a few more chairs,

0:08:55 > 0:08:59surely it would be like a heavily armed version of The Good Life.

0:08:59 > 0:09:02Except if one of the neighbours came round, we could shoot them.

0:09:03 > 0:09:07That is...about the stupidest question I've ever been asked.

0:09:09 > 0:09:11- Thank you. - LAUGHTER

0:09:11 > 0:09:13Some people...

0:09:13 > 0:09:17have likened people who voted for Brexit

0:09:17 > 0:09:19to "utter pricks".

0:09:19 > 0:09:20Is that a fair statement?

0:09:20 > 0:09:22CHRIS LAUGHS

0:09:22 > 0:09:25Look, I mean, I wish we'd voted to Remain.

0:09:25 > 0:09:28I think it's like we're cutting our throats,

0:09:28 > 0:09:32and, as every day goes by, there's more evidence that

0:09:32 > 0:09:36the Brexiteers had absolutely no plan for Brexit whatsoever

0:09:36 > 0:09:39and it's a great big step into the dark and all the rest of it.

0:09:39 > 0:09:42So, "utter pricks" is language you wouldn't use?

0:09:42 > 0:09:43Not on this programme.

0:09:43 > 0:09:46What about "jowly xeno-bastards?"

0:09:46 > 0:09:48Is that a term you'd use?

0:09:48 > 0:09:49No.

0:09:49 > 0:09:52"Ruddy cheeked turbo-racists?"

0:09:52 > 0:09:54No.

0:09:54 > 0:09:56"Nano-Hitlers?"

0:09:56 > 0:09:58I'm not sure what a nano-Hitler is.

0:09:59 > 0:10:02OK. I'm putting you down as a yes for "nano-Hitlers".

0:10:02 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER

0:10:04 > 0:10:07So, Chris Bryant may not be convinced,

0:10:07 > 0:10:09but I still believe that Bwexit could work.

0:10:09 > 0:10:11And I know exactly how to do it.

0:10:12 > 0:10:16Should we relocate the United Kingdom to space?

0:10:16 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER

0:10:18 > 0:10:19Er...

0:10:19 > 0:10:23- Well, the UK is 70-odd million people.- Yeah.

0:10:23 > 0:10:26The number of people who've been into space numbers in the thousands.

0:10:26 > 0:10:29It would be an unprecedented endeavour.

0:10:29 > 0:10:32But it's better than hearing people talk foreign on the bus, isn't it?

0:10:32 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER

0:10:34 > 0:10:36In the film Close Encounters,

0:10:36 > 0:10:39the world discovers intelligent alien life.

0:10:39 > 0:10:43Now, if that happens in space, is there a way that you can think of

0:10:43 > 0:10:46that we can persuade them to buy British?

0:10:46 > 0:10:47LAUGHTER

0:10:48 > 0:10:51I don't know how to answer that. I'm sorry.

0:10:51 > 0:10:55I just want to show you, so, here is an iconic picture.

0:10:55 > 0:10:58This is Neil Armstrong standing on the moon, 1969.

0:10:58 > 0:11:01- It's Buzz Aldrin, actually.- It's Buzz Aldrin standing on the moon.

0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Neil is in the reflection. - Neil... I was just...

0:11:04 > 0:11:05- Neil's in the reflection here... - Yeah.

0:11:05 > 0:11:07..of Buzz Aldrin, standing on the moon.

0:11:07 > 0:11:08Here's another one.

0:11:10 > 0:11:12LAUGHTER

0:11:12 > 0:11:13Mm-hmm.

0:11:13 > 0:11:15It's better, isn't it?

0:11:16 > 0:11:19It's not really my taste, erm...

0:11:19 > 0:11:21OK, I hear what you're saying, so...

0:11:21 > 0:11:26Britain on the moon, Britain in space. Could we do it?

0:11:26 > 0:11:29You could technically do it. I wouldn't want to manage the project.

0:11:29 > 0:11:30Do you think it's a bad idea?

0:11:31 > 0:11:33Yeah, I think it's quite a bad idea, yeah.

0:11:33 > 0:11:35But it's not a terrible idea?

0:11:35 > 0:11:38- No, it's not a terrible idea, no. - OK.- It's a bad idea.

0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Yeah, but it's not a terrible idea? - No.- OK. OK!

0:11:41 > 0:11:42It's a bad idea though.

0:11:42 > 0:11:43- Yeah.- Yeah.- Yeah.

0:11:45 > 0:11:46But it's not terrible.

0:11:46 > 0:11:47LAUGHTER

0:11:49 > 0:11:52Drifting through a bleak, barren nothingness,

0:11:52 > 0:11:55frightened, alone, and with no end in sight,

0:11:55 > 0:11:58David Davis certainly has his work cut out in Brussels.

0:11:58 > 0:12:01But if Brexit goes right, then maybe, just maybe,

0:12:01 > 0:12:03after one small step,

0:12:03 > 0:12:07Britain will be ready for the giant leap of Bwexit.

0:12:10 > 0:12:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:12:17 > 0:12:21I think, Andrew, before we attempt to exit the world,

0:12:21 > 0:12:24ministers need to put their differences aside

0:12:24 > 0:12:26and work together to make Brexit work again.

0:12:26 > 0:12:30Nish, with respect, I disagree, and I will see YOU on the moon.

0:12:30 > 0:12:31NISH LAUGHS

0:12:31 > 0:12:34- Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!- Thank you.

0:12:34 > 0:12:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:12:39 > 0:12:41Rachel Parris is as ever taking your messages

0:12:41 > 0:12:43at the hashtag nofilter social media wall.

0:12:43 > 0:12:45Rachel, what does Britain have to say for itself?

0:12:45 > 0:12:46RACHEL LAUGHS

0:12:46 > 0:12:48Nish, you crack me up.

0:12:48 > 0:12:49Ah...

0:12:49 > 0:12:52So, tonight, in the light of Trump's sacking of communications

0:12:52 > 0:12:57director Anthony Scaramucci, we're reaching out to you, the public,

0:12:57 > 0:12:58by asking the question,

0:12:58 > 0:13:01"Have you ever been sacked from a job, and why?"

0:13:01 > 0:13:04So, please do send in your answers, for God's sake.

0:13:04 > 0:13:05LAUGHTER

0:13:05 > 0:13:07Don't forget to hashtag The Mash Report,

0:13:07 > 0:13:10because I think this is going to be really interesting, don't you, Nish?

0:13:10 > 0:13:13Yeah, I mean, I'm trying not to be sacked from this job right now.

0:13:13 > 0:13:15- RACHEL LAUGHS - Don't count on it.

0:13:15 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER

0:13:18 > 0:13:21So, in the meantime, we've had some messages coming in

0:13:21 > 0:13:22about the stories so far.

0:13:22 > 0:13:25This one is from Hampstead Mummy, on the breast-feeding story.

0:13:25 > 0:13:26She says...

0:13:32 > 0:13:35Yes, quite. Hard enough to get them to look you in the eye,

0:13:35 > 0:13:37Hampstead Mummy, let alone latch on.

0:13:37 > 0:13:39- OK, moving on!- OK, happily, Nish.

0:13:39 > 0:13:40Oh! This is exciting.

0:13:40 > 0:13:43We've got our very first response to the question which

0:13:43 > 0:13:44we posed about being sacked.

0:13:44 > 0:13:47Sideshow Blob has responded...

0:13:55 > 0:13:56LAUGHTER

0:13:56 > 0:13:57You poor thing!

0:13:57 > 0:13:59SHE LAUGHS

0:13:59 > 0:14:01Please do keep sending in your answers to the question,

0:14:01 > 0:14:03"What job have you been sacked from, and why?"

0:14:03 > 0:14:06We're really, really keen to engage with you for some reason.

0:14:06 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER

0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Over to you, Nish. - Thank you, Rachel Parris!

0:14:10 > 0:14:11APPLAUSE

0:14:14 > 0:14:17Let's go back to the Mash news desk for the latest stories.

0:14:22 > 0:14:24The latest headlines...

0:14:24 > 0:14:26Put cancer in e-cigarettes, say non-smokers.

0:14:26 > 0:14:28LAUGHTER

0:14:30 > 0:14:33Vegan scientist discovers second topic of conversation.

0:14:33 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER

0:14:37 > 0:14:40And child's drawing nowhere near good enough

0:14:40 > 0:14:41for expensive new fridge.

0:14:41 > 0:14:44LAUGHTER

0:14:44 > 0:14:45But first,

0:14:45 > 0:14:49Theresa May's pink holiday dress is nowhere near selling out online.

0:14:49 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER

0:14:52 > 0:14:55High-street retailer Next has confirmed that

0:14:55 > 0:14:59the damask shirt dress sported by the PM while on holiday in Italy

0:14:59 > 0:15:03is not flying off the rails in any way, shape or form.

0:15:03 > 0:15:05Nathan is standing by a mannequin with more.

0:15:06 > 0:15:08Dubbed the May-not effect,

0:15:08 > 0:15:10retailers have never seen sales

0:15:10 > 0:15:14so unimproved by huge press coverage of their stock.

0:15:14 > 0:15:17The shop's website has the same, if not slightly less, traffic,

0:15:17 > 0:15:22and no-one is stampeding anywhere or punching anyone to get this dress.

0:15:22 > 0:15:24Thanks, Nathan.

0:15:24 > 0:15:27Experts have confirmed that post-truth

0:15:27 > 0:15:30is just a clever name for wankers talking shit.

0:15:30 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:15:32 > 0:15:35Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that

0:15:35 > 0:15:38far from so-called post-truth being a new phenomenon,

0:15:38 > 0:15:42wankers have been talking shit since the beginning of civilisation.

0:15:42 > 0:15:46We're joined in our Birmingham studio by Professor Henry Brubaker,

0:15:46 > 0:15:49who has been leading a major study into post-truth.

0:15:49 > 0:15:52So, Professor, post-truth - is it nonsense?

0:15:52 > 0:15:56As far back as medieval times, wankers were talking shit.

0:15:56 > 0:15:59Mainly about dragons and goblins.

0:15:59 > 0:16:02Pretty much any scary-looking forest was claimed to have

0:16:02 > 0:16:06some sort of troll, witch or a giant snake covered in tits.

0:16:06 > 0:16:11So you're saying that post-truth is itself rather ironically bullshit?

0:16:11 > 0:16:14People just love saying things are post-whatever,

0:16:14 > 0:16:15cos it makes them feel clever.

0:16:15 > 0:16:18Like if you called brunch post-breakfast.

0:16:18 > 0:16:19LAUGHTER

0:16:19 > 0:16:22I mean, the word "brunch" is pretty annoying, but just you saying

0:16:22 > 0:16:25"post-breakfast" makes me want to punch you in the face.

0:16:25 > 0:16:30- Well, I'd want paying extra for that.- Thank you, Professor Brubaker.

0:16:30 > 0:16:33Donald Trump's horrifying communications director,

0:16:33 > 0:16:35Anthony Scaramucci,

0:16:35 > 0:16:38has been sacked for pretending he had a cool nickname.

0:16:38 > 0:16:41Scaramucci claimed he was commonly called The Mooch.

0:16:41 > 0:16:44However, former school friends confirm that he was actually

0:16:44 > 0:16:48known by the less flattering name, Small Eyes Jizz Hands.

0:16:48 > 0:16:51Here's Nathan with more.

0:16:51 > 0:16:53The Mooch is an admittedly cool name,

0:16:53 > 0:16:57that evokes a Fonz-like ability to operate jukeboxes by kicking them.

0:16:57 > 0:17:00However, Anthony Scaramucci is guilty of perhaps the worst

0:17:00 > 0:17:05crime a man can commit - making up his own nickname.

0:17:05 > 0:17:06Earlier, I spoke to Mary Fisher,

0:17:06 > 0:17:10who went to the American version of school with him.

0:17:10 > 0:17:15Well, at first we used to just call him Small Eyes, because, you know,

0:17:15 > 0:17:17he has the eerie, marble-like eyes

0:17:17 > 0:17:23of a male porn star, then another kid noticed that he had a wet

0:17:23 > 0:17:28and slightly sticky handshake, like holding a frog or some ejaculate.

0:17:28 > 0:17:30That's where Jizz Hands came from.

0:17:30 > 0:17:35So finally, we settled on Small Eyes Jizz Hands.

0:17:35 > 0:17:40It used to make him incredibly angry, which was sort of the point.

0:17:42 > 0:17:48- My school nickname was The Badass. - I struggle to believe that, Tom.

0:17:48 > 0:17:51No, really. I was born without an anus.

0:18:01 > 0:18:04In 2017, we are overwhelmed with choice.

0:18:04 > 0:18:05Sometimes, it's hard to know

0:18:05 > 0:18:07how best to spend our valuable time and money.

0:18:07 > 0:18:10Here to guide us with his expert reviews, please welcome

0:18:10 > 0:18:13to the show with our arts and lifestyle reviewer, Pierre Novellie!

0:18:13 > 0:18:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:19 > 0:18:22- Hi, Pierre.- Hi.- So, what have you got for us this week?

0:18:22 > 0:18:26Well, first up, I have cuisine and I'm reviewing a Yelp review

0:18:26 > 0:18:29from James F, who went to a Cafe Rouge in Durham.

0:18:29 > 0:18:31There we go. James said...

0:18:34 > 0:18:36Well, Nish, there's a lot to like in this review.

0:18:36 > 0:18:38My main critique would be I'd like to know more

0:18:38 > 0:18:40about his expectations going in.

0:18:40 > 0:18:42What was he hoping for from a steak tartare?

0:18:42 > 0:18:44Why did it fail to deliver?

0:18:44 > 0:18:45But I do admire his brevity

0:18:45 > 0:18:49and his emoji, so it's four out of five from me.

0:18:49 > 0:18:54- Are you reviewing...reviews?! - That's right, Nish.

0:18:54 > 0:18:57I'm reviewing real reviews left by people on the internet.

0:18:57 > 0:18:59- OK, I have a follow-up question. - Hm?

0:18:59 > 0:19:01Why?

0:19:01 > 0:19:02LAUGHTER

0:19:02 > 0:19:05Well, reviewing used to be a profession, Nish.

0:19:05 > 0:19:07An opinion had weight, it was printed on paper, it was

0:19:07 > 0:19:10something you could hold in your hand, but now everyone's a reviewer.

0:19:10 > 0:19:12Reviews have been outsourced to the general public,

0:19:12 > 0:19:16like driving taxis or organising casual sex.

0:19:16 > 0:19:20But who reviews the reviewers, Nish?

0:19:20 > 0:19:21Who watches the watchmen?

0:19:21 > 0:19:25Well, yeah, that is a good point. I mean, why do we trust people when...

0:19:25 > 0:19:27It's me. I do that now. Me.

0:19:28 > 0:19:33So, here's Jane's Amazon review of her purchase of a Pritt Stick.

0:19:33 > 0:19:37She's given it three stars, saying...

0:19:41 > 0:19:44"As I would expect"? What does that even mean, Jane?

0:19:44 > 0:19:47Maybe I have high hopes for my Pritt Stick experience.

0:19:47 > 0:19:48You get out of my head, Jane!

0:19:48 > 0:19:50You don't know me, you don't know my life.

0:19:50 > 0:19:51APPLAUSE

0:19:56 > 0:19:58So, on to my review of the week.

0:19:58 > 0:20:01It's Hannah in London's review of London Zoo.

0:20:01 > 0:20:04It's informative, it's thoughtful, it's engaging,

0:20:04 > 0:20:08and just look at that title - "London Zoo. So, so tired."

0:20:08 > 0:20:10This could go either way, Nish.

0:20:10 > 0:20:12Is she tired from having fun,

0:20:12 > 0:20:16or has London Zoo inspired within Hannah a profound ennui?

0:20:16 > 0:20:20They know what they say, Nish - when a man is tired of London Zoo,

0:20:20 > 0:20:24he is tired of life zoo.

0:20:27 > 0:20:32- Literally no human being has ever said that.- I heard it on the train.

0:20:33 > 0:20:36Look, Pierre, I get your point - we review everything,

0:20:36 > 0:20:39the public's opinion has far too much power,

0:20:39 > 0:20:41even when their reviews are arbitrary and unqualified.

0:20:41 > 0:20:45We get it, but you're meant to be our reviewer,

0:20:45 > 0:20:47so why can't you do something useful for the viewers and maybe

0:20:47 > 0:20:49just review, like, a film that's out now or something?

0:20:49 > 0:20:53Because it's been done, Nish. I'm trying to carve my own niche, Nish.

0:20:53 > 0:20:56- LAUGHTER - It's a public....

0:20:56 > 0:20:57It's a public service.

0:20:57 > 0:21:00Someone needs to know about this stuff, or rather, someone

0:21:00 > 0:21:04needs to know that someone thinks they know about this stuff, right?

0:21:04 > 0:21:06Here's your film review -

0:21:06 > 0:21:09oh, Lesley in Plymouth - The Smurfs: The Lost Village movie.

0:21:09 > 0:21:12"Three stars, popcorn too salty."

0:21:12 > 0:21:15LAUGHTER

0:21:15 > 0:21:18You see? Sort it out, Smurfs: The Lost Village movie!

0:21:18 > 0:21:22You know the correct amount of salt Lesley likes on his or her popcorn!

0:21:22 > 0:21:25You knew he or she was coming, and you did nothing!

0:21:25 > 0:21:27You Hollywood liberal elite!

0:21:27 > 0:21:29How dare you look down on the salt preferences of good,

0:21:29 > 0:21:32hard-working families like Lesley is or has.

0:21:32 > 0:21:34Screw you, Smurfs: The Lost Village movie!

0:21:34 > 0:21:39- This is... No, no. No. - Yes! Yes! Yes!

0:21:39 > 0:21:40Do not applaud that.

0:21:40 > 0:21:45- Yes, do applaud it.- Do not applaud... This is bullshit, Pierre.

0:21:45 > 0:21:49- This whole thing!- Oh, I'm sorry, did you just call all of this bullshit?

0:21:49 > 0:21:52Yeah, I did! It's bullshit!

0:21:52 > 0:21:55Did you just review my review review?

0:21:57 > 0:22:02Ah, yes! That's right, Nish! You're the reviewer now.

0:22:02 > 0:22:04Feels good to have an opinion, doesn't it, Nish,

0:22:04 > 0:22:06and then say it out loud?

0:22:06 > 0:22:09He who reviews the reviewers should be careful, Nish,

0:22:09 > 0:22:12lest he thereby become a reviewer himself.

0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Is that a quote? - It's Nietzsche, Nish.

0:22:18 > 0:22:22It's not even niche Nietzsche, Nish. Come on! That's right!

0:22:22 > 0:22:25I just reviewed your review review review.

0:22:28 > 0:22:30We're all reviewers now, Nish.

0:22:30 > 0:22:33Every time you buy a book, every time you book a plumber,

0:22:33 > 0:22:36rate and review, rate and review, and other people can say

0:22:36 > 0:22:39if the review was useful or not, and review the review.

0:22:39 > 0:22:41It's a beautiful endless feedback loop, Nish,

0:22:41 > 0:22:43and you can't fight it any more!

0:22:56 > 0:22:58LAUGHTER

0:22:58 > 0:23:01- Are you done?- Yeah.- Ladies and gentlemen, Pierre Novellie!

0:23:01 > 0:23:02Thank you.

0:23:02 > 0:23:04APPLAUSE

0:23:06 > 0:23:09Let's go back to Rachel at the social media wall.

0:23:09 > 0:23:11Thank you very much, Nish.

0:23:11 > 0:23:14So, well, we have been absolutely overwhelmed, actually, by your

0:23:14 > 0:23:17response to the question we posed at the start of the show,

0:23:17 > 0:23:18which was...

0:23:20 > 0:23:23We've had absolutely several responses.

0:23:24 > 0:23:25Like this one.

0:23:35 > 0:23:40Profits before people, and why not? Nice to start on a happy one.

0:23:40 > 0:23:43And this one came in from Thereesa Good, who says...

0:23:51 > 0:23:54That panned out well, then, in the end. Good to hear.

0:23:54 > 0:23:57And finally, back to the stories.

0:23:57 > 0:23:59This one from Ovaltine Hound, who says...

0:24:08 > 0:24:11That's a timely reprimand for our eldest royal there.

0:24:11 > 0:24:14So there's just time for me to say thank you for a really great

0:24:14 > 0:24:17response to the question we posed earlier for no obvious reason.

0:24:17 > 0:24:20- And back to you, Nish. - Thank you, Rachel Parris.

0:24:24 > 0:24:27Just time for a final visit to the Mash news desk.

0:24:32 > 0:24:34The latest headlines...

0:24:34 > 0:24:37"Look what came out of my fanny," says Facebook mum.

0:24:37 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER

0:24:40 > 0:24:44Boris claims toxic atmosphere at Number Ten is David Davis's breath.

0:24:46 > 0:24:50Morbidly obese cat dies of adorable heart attack.

0:24:52 > 0:24:56But first, as the world's biggest arts festival gets under way,

0:24:56 > 0:24:58Edinburgh locals have been asking themselves

0:24:58 > 0:25:00where on Earth all these twats come from.

0:25:02 > 0:25:04We can go live to Nathan Muir,

0:25:04 > 0:25:07who is on the city's idiot-packed streets.

0:25:07 > 0:25:11Every year, thousands of attention-hungry hopefuls descend

0:25:11 > 0:25:15on Edinburgh, armed with ukuleles, monologues and over-confidence.

0:25:15 > 0:25:19But, for the locals, the issue is not just the volume of twats,

0:25:19 > 0:25:22but the constant fear that they might accidentally end up

0:25:22 > 0:25:24in some sort of performance.

0:25:24 > 0:25:26I was in a corner shop

0:25:26 > 0:25:29and the checkout woman starts role-playing with my shopping,

0:25:29 > 0:25:31pretending my chicken had fathered my yogurts.

0:25:31 > 0:25:33That went on for 20 minutes.

0:25:33 > 0:25:35It got four stars in the Guardian!

0:25:35 > 0:25:37I went home to lock myself away

0:25:37 > 0:25:40only to find a poet was doing free verse in my garden.

0:25:41 > 0:25:44If he hands me a flyer, I'm going to fucking lose it.

0:25:47 > 0:25:50A man's ludicrously expensive wristwatch has gained him

0:25:50 > 0:25:53the respect of other total bell-ends.

0:25:59 > 0:26:05Sales manager Joseph Turner's £1,400 Diplomat Edition Weisser Aqua-Tech 9

0:26:05 > 0:26:06has made him more popular

0:26:06 > 0:26:10with tedious, materialistic men who also enjoy golf.

0:26:10 > 0:26:15It's beautifully crafted in chunky, masculine steel with little dials

0:26:15 > 0:26:18that are hard to see without a magnifying glass.

0:26:18 > 0:26:23They do important things like telling you the...er, month.

0:26:23 > 0:26:26One of the guys in the office saw it straightaway and he was

0:26:26 > 0:26:31telling me about his new BMW and how much his house is worth, you know.

0:26:31 > 0:26:33Then just last week the managing director

0:26:33 > 0:26:37of Oswestry Guttering Supplies Ltd said...you know, "Nice watch."

0:26:39 > 0:26:43A pair of Londoners have spent an ironic week in the country

0:26:43 > 0:26:46laughing at the backwardness of the primitive locals.

0:26:47 > 0:26:49Joseph and Nikki Turner,

0:26:49 > 0:26:52a smug London couple who both work in branding,

0:26:52 > 0:26:55have rented a farm cottage in the Cotswolds,

0:26:55 > 0:26:58and they're in their second day of patronising rural people.

0:26:58 > 0:27:02The cottage instructions just said to get the key from under

0:27:02 > 0:27:05a plant pot. I mean, like, God!

0:27:05 > 0:27:07Like just imagine doing that in London!

0:27:07 > 0:27:10- It's like wartime or something, isn't it?- Yeah, like, what?

0:27:10 > 0:27:13And at lunch, I asked for directions to an Itsu.

0:27:15 > 0:27:19- There wasn't an Itsu, of course, but we did end up in this pub.- Oh, yeah!

0:27:19 > 0:27:22- It was so authentic, they didn't even do tapas.- Hm.

0:27:22 > 0:27:24We did have to leave because

0:27:24 > 0:27:26Nikki got into an argument with this farmer about

0:27:26 > 0:27:28whether his agricultural was sustainable.

0:27:28 > 0:27:31Well, the guy was like, "You don't even know what sustainable means,"

0:27:31 > 0:27:35and we were like, "Yes, we do. It means good."

0:27:35 > 0:27:37- It was a little bit patronising. - Yeah.

0:27:39 > 0:27:40We actually spent last weekend

0:27:40 > 0:27:43in a little bed and breakfast in the Forest of Dean.

0:27:43 > 0:27:45- It was very romantic. - Oh, you and your wife?

0:27:46 > 0:27:49No, actually, I was at a work conference. My mistake.

0:27:57 > 0:27:59That's it for The Mash Report.

0:27:59 > 0:28:00We'll be back in two weeks

0:28:00 > 0:28:02as long as Donald Trump hasn't fired all of us.

0:28:02 > 0:28:04Thank you very much, good night.