0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:17 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Welcome to The Mash Report.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33We're coming to you in a week of great news. Theresa May is back!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36CHEERING That was louder than I'd expected.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39And not a moment too soon. Because I for one was starting to
0:00:39 > 0:00:42get a little bit worried that she was never coming home.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43She has been missing in Europe
0:00:43 > 0:00:46longer than Matt Damon in Saving Private Ryan.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Earlier this week, a Downing Street spokesperson announced that she'd
0:00:49 > 0:00:53be extending her vacation to take a walking holiday in Switzerland.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Switzerland.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I can't be the only person who heard that and thought -
0:00:58 > 0:01:01did they kill her?!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Now over to the Mash News Desk.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Headlines on the hour.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Trump orders inquiry into who were the good guys in World War II.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Daniel Craig to return as Bond
0:01:19 > 0:01:21after finding nothing better in Job Centre.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Our train companies raise ticket prices to what's ever
0:01:27 > 0:01:28in your bank account.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34But first, Jacob Rees-Mogg is preparing a Tory leadership bid
0:01:34 > 0:01:36with the help of his closest confidantes -
0:01:36 > 0:01:39his collection of stuffed toy animals.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Middle-aged yet pre-pubescent Rees-Mogg discussed toppling
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Theresa May with the inner circle of Victorian teddy bears
0:01:47 > 0:01:51and cuddly woodland animals at a high level picnic meeting.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Emma, what's going down in the woods today?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Well, Susan, Mr Rees-Mogg never makes a decision without
0:01:58 > 0:02:01running it past his cabal of trusted toys.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03And what is the mood among the toys?
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Well, Lord Bunnykins wants him to challenge Theresa May immediately
0:02:07 > 0:02:11but Sheepy and Mr Pickle, who needs his eye stitched back on,
0:02:11 > 0:02:12are advising caution.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Meanwhile, Snuggles the Donkey has been accused of sabotaging Brexit
0:02:16 > 0:02:19and banished to the old suitcase under the four-poster bed.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Emma, I understand Lord Bunnykins has been tipped for a cabinet role,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26should Rees-Mogg become PM.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Yes, Lord Bunnykins is expected to replace
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary because he smells better
0:02:31 > 0:02:34and has a better understanding of the common man.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Thank you, Emma.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40And finally, a northerner has been accused of terrorising London
0:02:40 > 0:02:42by walking around saying "hello".
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Generic northerner Stephen Malley left Londoners traumatised
0:02:50 > 0:02:54by his attempts to interact with them in a friendly, cheerful manner.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Here's Nathan with more.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Malley arrived here at Oxford Circus at 9:32 this morning.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03He had already said hello to several people en route
0:03:03 > 0:03:05from King's Cross Station,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07leaving worried commuters unsure why
0:03:07 > 0:03:10a man they did not know was talking to them.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15He made direct eye contact.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18And then said, "Mornin'!"
0:03:18 > 0:03:20At first I thought, "Is this just a statement?"
0:03:20 > 0:03:21because it was the morning
0:03:21 > 0:03:24but no, something in his tone suggested this was a greeting.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Malley was apprehended by London Police, who were forced to let
0:03:30 > 0:03:34him go, as friendliness to strangers is not a crime until next year.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Outside the station, Malley gave a statement.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44Where I come from, it's OK to greet strangers or comment to them
0:03:44 > 0:03:47about the weather.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I did not know the customs of London and I apologise
0:03:51 > 0:03:53if I offended anyone.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I did not mean to be happy.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I'm going back on the train now.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04And, Nathan, what should Londoners do if approached by a northerner?
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Headphones on, head down, and avoid eye contact.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12They are generally friendly, but they will head-butt if cornered.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Thanks for that. We'll be back with more later.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Let's start with Donald Trump,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32which coincidentally is the answer all my American friends
0:04:32 > 0:04:36give to the question "Why are you pretending you're Canadian?"
0:04:36 > 0:04:41On Sunday, his 2016 campaign's YouTube channel posted this.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Democrats obstructing. The media attacking our president.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Career politicians standing in the way of success.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51But President Trump's plan is working.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55One million jobs created. More Americans working than ever before.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Unemployment lowest since 2001. The stock market, all-time record highs.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02The strongest military in decades.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05The President's enemies don't want him to succeed.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07But Americans are saying -
0:05:07 > 0:05:09let President Trump do his job.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I'm Donald Trump and I approve this message.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17Why is he still releasing campaign videos? Does he know he won?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22The only conclusion I can draw from this is that even Donald Trump
0:05:22 > 0:05:24can't believe he's president.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27The timing of this release could not have been worse.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Saturday saw the Unite The Right
0:05:28 > 0:05:31rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, thought to be the largest
0:05:31 > 0:05:35gathering of white supremacists and neo-Nazis in America for decades.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37The violence that followed resulted in civil rights activist
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Heather Heyer being killed by one of the white supremacists.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44But the focus since then has been on Donald Trump's response.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Let's track it because it's been quite the rollercoaster,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49if rollercoasters somehow only went down forever.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53On Saturday, Trump made a statement blaming both sides
0:05:53 > 0:05:56for the violence and was heavily criticised.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Then on Monday, he responded by denouncing the KKK
0:05:59 > 0:06:00and white supremacist groups.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03But then on Tuesday, this happened.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06What about the alt-left that came charging at the, as you say,
0:06:06 > 0:06:11the alt-right? Do they have any semblance of guilt?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Wait a minute, I'm not finished.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I'm not finished, fake news.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Had a group on one side that was bad
0:06:17 > 0:06:21and you had a group on the other side that was also very violent.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24And nobody wants to say that. But I'll say it right now.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28I can't believe it's 2017 and we're still having to say this -
0:06:28 > 0:06:32but people who fight Nazis are not the same AS Nazis.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I guess that can now be added to the list of other phrases
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I didn't think I'd say this year, including...
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Donald Trump is President of America,
0:06:38 > 0:06:42nuclear war is imminent, and no, I don't play football for Liverpool.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Don't clap that!
0:06:48 > 0:06:53That is Mohamed Salah, not me! Please stop tweeting me!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59You can't compare anti-fascist protesters to
0:06:59 > 0:07:01people like, say, for example, this idiot,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04who was pictured giving the Nazi salute,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07whilst wearing a cap commemorating the 82nd Airborne Division of the
0:07:07 > 0:07:12US Army, a division that literally took part in the D-Day landings.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13What is the logic here?!
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Hey, they fought Nazis for my right to be a Nazi!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19If it wasn't for these brave men and women,
0:07:19 > 0:07:23I'd be speaking German right now and I'd be loving it!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26But Trump claimed that aside from the Nazis
0:07:26 > 0:07:28and the white supremacists, there were some very fine people
0:07:28 > 0:07:31protesting, so let's look at that claim.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34The protests began because of a plan to remove a statue of General
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Robert E Lee from Emancipation Park in Charlottesville.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40General Lee was a key figure in the Southern Army in the American
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Civil War and many protesters were carrying Confederate flags,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47so these very fine people are celebrating
0:07:47 > 0:07:50the side in the Civil War that were pro-slavery.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54They think America peaked in the 1850s. They basically watched
0:07:54 > 0:07:57the movie Lincoln and came out thinking he was the bad guy.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02In fairness, there is a president they are keen on. During the march,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05former KKK leader David Duke openly said that they were
0:08:05 > 0:08:07fulfilling the promise of Donald Trump
0:08:07 > 0:08:11and perhaps even more disturbingly, some of them were dressed as Trump.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Incidentally, what a Halloween costume that is going to be
0:08:16 > 0:08:19this October. Trump's response looks even worse
0:08:19 > 0:08:22when you consider a number of the protesters were carrying torches
0:08:22 > 0:08:26purchased from a garden furniture manufacturer called TIKI Brand.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28They say all publicity is good publicity,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30but I think we may have found the exception.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I don't think the last John Lewis Christmas ad would have
0:08:33 > 0:08:35done as well if that dog had been a Nazi.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40TIKI put out a statement saying they were saddened and disappointed
0:08:40 > 0:08:44and asserted they did not support the message of the protest,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46before issuing this clarification.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Two things about that statement.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Firstly, backyard gatherings absolutely means middle-aged
0:08:57 > 0:09:01sex parties. And secondly... There's no doubt about that.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05And secondly, how have we ended up in a situation where patio
0:09:05 > 0:09:08paraphernalia is condemning Nazis unequivocally
0:09:08 > 0:09:10and the President of America isn't?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15CNN described Saturday as Trump's worst day as president,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18but let's face it, there is hot competition for that accolade.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21The White House should just have a sign up on the lawn
0:09:21 > 0:09:23like on building sites that says...
0:09:27 > 0:09:32All of which makes it a baffling week to be talking about how
0:09:32 > 0:09:35great he is and how he just needs to be left alone to get on with things.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39But don't worry, Donald. We've fixed your video for you.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Democrats obstructing. The media attacking our president.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Career politicians standing in the way of success.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48But President Trump's plan is working.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Revitalising forgotten communities of Nazis.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56He's created new jobs, by firing everyone in his administration.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Leading the world to the brink of nuclear war
0:09:59 > 0:10:02with the only person with more daddy issues than him.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05And whatever the hell is going on with Russia.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09The President's enemies want to stop him and millions of people
0:10:09 > 0:10:13in America and all over the world are saying, "Good, do it faster.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"For the love of God, impeach this jackass."
0:10:19 > 0:10:21APPLAUSE
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Let's catch up with Rachel Parris at the social media wall to get all
0:10:24 > 0:10:29the unfiltered thoughts and opinions of the great people of Britain.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I couldn't have said it better myself, Nish.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35So, tonight, we're going to be conducting an online poll.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38With everything getting a bit blowy-uppy between North Korea
0:10:38 > 0:10:40and the United States,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43we're asking you - World War III -
0:10:43 > 0:10:46are you for or against?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49I think it's going to be really useful to learn what a small
0:10:49 > 0:10:52number of our audience think about a global issue that they've got
0:10:52 > 0:10:54no power to control, don't you, Nish?
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Why is there a "don't know" option? Who's on the fence about this?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Life's hard, Nish.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02As always, in the meantime,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05we will be taking your comments on the stories we've been covering,
0:11:05 > 0:11:10so let's take a look at Agnostic Sheila, who asks...
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Quite right, Sheila. I'm glad someone finally said it.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24And coming in, we've got our first vote in the poll.
0:11:24 > 0:11:30That vote is from PingPongMental, who has voted FOR World War III.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33He explains his position by saying...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Oh, I'm afraid we can't guarantee that, PingPongMental.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48But what I can guarantee is that as things stand in our poll,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50we are going to war!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Back to you, Nish.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Thank you, Rachel Parris! APPLAUSE
0:11:56 > 0:11:58There's been a lot in the news recently about artificial
0:11:58 > 0:12:00intelligence and robots.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Just last week, Elon Musk of Tesla and SpaceX tweeted that
0:12:04 > 0:12:07AI presents a far greater threat to life than North Korea.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10What we do know is that the coming robot revolution will change
0:12:10 > 0:12:12almost every field of human endeavour.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Driverless cars could put millions out of work, military bots
0:12:15 > 0:12:18will completely change the nature of warfare, but robots could
0:12:18 > 0:12:21also raise our quality of life and make us vastly more productive.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23To help grapple with these issues,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26please welcome our technology correspondent, Andrew Hunter Murray.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- CHEERS AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Greetings, human.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- OK. Andrew, should we be worried?- Yes.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44OK, sorry. I was hoping for a bit more of a sort of nuanced answer.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Well, you'd better get used to that sort of cold efficiency, Nish,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49because the machines are coming.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Fortunately, there is some good news, as well as the bad news.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54OK, well, what's the good news?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Robots could make the world a happier place, look after
0:12:57 > 0:13:01our ageing population, and open new doors to erotic fulfilment.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04And what is the bad news?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07They're also going to wipe us out with enormous bombs,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09trample over our scorched ribcages
0:13:09 > 0:13:12and reign over the smouldering Earth for 1,000 centuries.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17So, a mixed bag?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19It is a mixed bag, yes.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Isn't it a bit alarmist to say that robots will take over society?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Possibly, but on reflection,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27don't you think it's better to be asking that question now,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30rather than when we're being hunted by 18-foot-tall metallic zombies
0:13:30 > 0:13:32with furious electric skull faces?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36It feels like you're getting a lot of your information from Terminator.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- All of it.- All of it!- All of it.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Anyway, as a result, I have been looking this week at
0:13:45 > 0:13:49what happens when you combine A and I with you and me.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Once upon a time,
0:13:50 > 0:13:54robots like these at the Science Museum were considered awkward,
0:13:54 > 0:13:59clumsy, subservient beings who existed only to do our bidding.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01But as scientists get closer to achieving full artificial
0:14:01 > 0:14:05intelligence, is it time the humans started to fight back or
0:14:05 > 0:14:08should we simply hand over control now to these metal bastards?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15To find out, I went to speak to an expert at Imperial College London.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16In London.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21So, more and more robots and computers are taking our jobs.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Should we be afraid?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25We should not.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28They will take over some jobs, but not very many.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31The bulk will be where humans and machines work
0:14:31 > 0:14:33in partnership with one another.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35They lack the intelligence
0:14:35 > 0:14:38and common sense that humans innately have.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41But do you need intelligence and common sense
0:14:41 > 0:14:43if you're working at, say, Halfords?
0:14:45 > 0:14:46You do.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50You need that general intelligence that humans have
0:14:50 > 0:14:52that machines and robots just don't have.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54OK.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59So, it sounds like our jobs are safe from robots for the moment.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02The question is, are we?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Is a robotic uprising genuinely possible
0:15:05 > 0:15:08and is it something we should be worried about?
0:15:08 > 0:15:09No and no.
0:15:09 > 0:15:15I would not expect a robot to have intention and rise up any more than
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I'd expect my electric toothbrush to rise up.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20But my electric toothbrush doesn't have a gun.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- No, maybe you could arm it, though. - But why would I?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Exactly, why would you arm a robot?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- But people are arming robots. - Yes, they shouldn't do, though.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- So, are they arming toothbrushes? - No.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Let's press on.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42- Now, you're a judge on the TV show Robot Wars...- That's correct.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47..in which robots have to fight each other for the entertainment
0:15:47 > 0:15:50of male virgins.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Do you think it's possible that come the AI revolution,
0:15:53 > 0:15:57robots will have a TV show called Human Wars,
0:15:57 > 0:16:02in which, say, you have to have Hulk Hogan against Clare Balding?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04No.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Who do you think would win out of Hulk Hogan and Clare Balding?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10If Clare Balding had a circular saw on her forehead?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I think that's such a ridiculous question
0:16:15 > 0:16:17that it doesn't deserve an answer.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20OK.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Do you think we could end up with a robot
0:16:23 > 0:16:26so well-evolved that it is able to deny that it's a robot?
0:16:28 > 0:16:32I could programme a robot to deny that it was a robot now.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Right.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37If asked the question, "Are you a robot?" say, "No, I'm not a robot."
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- So that can be done. - Yes, of course.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42So, are you a robot, for example?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44No, I'm not.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46But that is what a robot would say.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48It is what a robot would say.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- So, are you a robot? - No, I'm not a robot.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00OK, you're not a robot.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05So, the machines may not be ready to enslave the human race just yet,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08but if we don't keep a careful eye on them, the next person to tell you
0:17:08 > 0:17:12there's an unexpected item in the bagging area might just be this guy.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16MUSIC: Terminator theme
0:17:17 > 0:17:19APPLAUSE
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I mean, I think, Andrew, we're still a long way from
0:17:26 > 0:17:29artificial intelligence having the ability to destroy the human race.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32But I do think it's essential that we start retraining workers
0:17:32 > 0:17:35whose jobs are most at risk from industrial automation.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Nish, it's exactly that kind of leadership and common sense
0:17:38 > 0:17:42that I would say makes you the ideal person to lead the resistance
0:17:42 > 0:17:44in the upcoming war against the machines.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Hunter Murray!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51APPLAUSE
0:17:59 > 0:18:01The latest headlines:
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Middle-aged friends instantly regret buying festival tickets.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09DVD still not working,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11despite being wiped on man's trouser leg.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Passengers desperate to know back story of bus drivers
0:18:17 > 0:18:18who didn't wave to each other.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26But first, Brexit Minister David Davis has said
0:18:26 > 0:18:31everything is going incredibly well after being swallowed by a hippo.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Here's Nathan with more.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Britain's Brexit chief was enjoying a brainstorming walk
0:18:38 > 0:18:41at London Zoo when he tripped and fell into the enclosure,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44only to be immediately seized and swallowed whole
0:18:44 > 0:18:46by a large bull hippo.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49However, speaking from inside the beast's stomach,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Davis was upbeat, and said he was actually in a strong position
0:18:52 > 0:18:55to negotiate with the animal
0:18:55 > 0:18:58about not being fully digested.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Well, it's actually surprisingly comfortable in here.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Very warm and soft,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06and there's even a bit of light coming in, which is fantastic.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I'm feeling incredibly confident that myself and the hippo
0:19:08 > 0:19:12will soon agree a deal whereby I remain in its stomach
0:19:12 > 0:19:15for a fixed period, perhaps three years.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17That would pave the way for a full regurgitation,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19which I think is ultimately what we all want.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25With arrests of drunken air passengers up by a shocking 50%,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Wetherspoons is responding to public demand by creating
0:19:28 > 0:19:30a fleet of flying pubs.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36The airborne drinking establishments, or Skyspoons,
0:19:36 > 0:19:40allows Britons to pursue their beloved hobby of getting totally
0:19:40 > 0:19:44shitfaced on planes, but without the hassle of going abroad or to prison.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Let's go over to our reporter, Emma Bradford.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Tom, after loading up with thirsty Brits,
0:19:52 > 0:19:56the fully licensed publiners will simply fly in a holding pattern
0:19:56 > 0:19:57around Luton Airport,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01enabling everyone on board to remain pissed for a fortnight or more,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04without having to set foot in a confusing, foreign country.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06But what's it like to fly one of these
0:20:06 > 0:20:09mighty aerial cirrhosis factories?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I spoke to Skyspoons pilot Tom Booker.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16Well, it's really no different to flying a normal 747,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19except that you have it on autopilot most of the time,
0:20:19 > 0:20:20because the cockpit is also a bar.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Thanks for that. We'll be back with more, later.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27APPLAUSE
0:20:31 > 0:20:35The conflict in Syria has been going on for six brutal years.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I think it's fair to say recently, beyond talk of the struggle
0:20:37 > 0:20:39against Isis, we've stopped thinking about it as much,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41it's stopped dominating the news.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43But I'm afraid to say people are still being killed
0:20:43 > 0:20:46and refugees from the country are still fleeing and still suffering.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49So joining me now, with some insights into the ongoing conflict,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52please welcome our war correspondent, Pierre Novellie.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54APPLAUSE
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- Thank you, Nish.- OK, so, Pierre, tell us about Syria.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Last we heard, it was an absolute nightmare - poison gas,
0:21:05 > 0:21:09civilian massacres, a dictator on one side, Al-Qaeda affiliates
0:21:09 > 0:21:13on the other, and in between are Isis and some very brave Kurds.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Plus you've got the Russians, plus Turkey, I mean, it's a real mess?
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Yes, it's high time we all started to forget about Syria.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25We can't just forget about Syria. We've got to do something.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Well, look, Nish, here's the thing about the West -
0:21:28 > 0:21:31if we intervene, we're imperialists, and if we don't intervene,
0:21:31 > 0:21:32we're ignoring all the massive suffering.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34So you're saying it's a catch-22?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Exactly, we're damned if we do and we're damned if we don't.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39And that means that the only suffering we can reduce is our own.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41So let's start ignoring the whole ugly mess.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45It worked beautifully with Ukraine.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47That war's still happening now.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51And no-one in this room had even thought about Ukraine for ages.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Probably until I said it just then.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59I'm sorry, by the way, please resume, no more Ukraine.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Is this really your big idea, to put your fingers in your ears
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- and ignore the situation like a child?- Yes!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I just want to stop being sad all the time,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08and who's happier than children?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Well, western children, obviously.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16So, in order to learn more about forgetting about our problems,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20I talked to a charity expert and the Great British public.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Indian famine, South African concentration camps,
0:22:23 > 0:22:2618-30s' holidays.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30These three examples show us that no-one is better than Britain
0:22:30 > 0:22:32at forgetting crimes against the world.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35But how can we apply some of that magic to forgetting Syria?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40To find out, I went to speak to a representative
0:22:40 > 0:22:42of a leading refugee charity.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47OK, so, how is it that people start to forget about,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49or begin to ignore, crises?
0:22:49 > 0:22:53I think that people are just very busy with their daily lives.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- Busy.- People are working long hours.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- They get home and then they have to look after their family.- Family.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02People are also, I think, very much,
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- stuck in whatever bubble they're in...- Bubbles. Right.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10And I've heard the term "compassion fatigue" used.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11What is that?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14It's when people get distracted by daily life
0:23:14 > 0:23:18and they stop donating as generously.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Out of sight, out of mind.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24So, is there a way I can give myself that condition?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28- Give yourself compassion fatigue? - Yes.- Why would you want to do that?
0:23:28 > 0:23:32I would like to stop thinking about all of these terrible things.
0:23:32 > 0:23:39I'm not really sure that's a useful hypothesis to make.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43How many harrowing situations
0:23:43 > 0:23:46do you think the public can care about at one time?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47And is it seven?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I don't know the answer to that question.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54No.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I've seen all eight Fast And Furious films.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02But after the seventh one, I really didn't want to see the eighth one.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I did, out of duty, but I didn't want to.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Is that a question?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Is it?
0:24:11 > 0:24:12No.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13OK.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19So the charity sector may be sceptical about forgetting Syria.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22But what would the Great British public think?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25How do you forget about Syria?
0:24:27 > 0:24:28You don't.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30But wouldn't it be better just to forget about Syria?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33You can't forget about Syria.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36How do you forget about Syria?
0:24:36 > 0:24:37By doing other things.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Swimming, Zumba.- Listening to music.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43And you can listen to music whilst doing Zumba, of course.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- Oh, yes.- You can.- Well, I'll have to give it a go.- Yes.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Thank you very much.- That's OK.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Shall we laugh together and see if it helps us
0:24:50 > 0:24:53either forget or feel better about something like Syria?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Ha, erm...
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- Like I just did there? - Yeah, yeah. Ha-ha!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Yeah, just... - Ha-ha!- ..awkwardly laughing...
0:25:01 > 0:25:02That's right!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- Feel better?- No.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13No, me neither.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15APPLAUSE
0:25:21 > 0:25:23OK, so, Pierre, did it work?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Have you finally managed to forget about Syria?
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Where?!
0:25:28 > 0:25:29No.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33No, no, I'm just joking.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Those images are seared onto my brain for ever.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38But, the important thing is that, as a nation,
0:25:38 > 0:25:42we never waver in our determination to stand up for our right
0:25:42 > 0:25:44to ignore the rest of the world.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Thank you very much, Pierre Novellie!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48APPLAUSE
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Let's just quickly catch up with Rachel Parris
0:25:54 > 0:25:55at the social media wall
0:25:55 > 0:25:57and see how she's getting on with the online poll.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Nish, depending on your attention span,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02you may remember that we asked the question,
0:26:02 > 0:26:06World War III - are you for or against?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I'll let you know whether the viewers think
0:26:08 > 0:26:11we should just blooming well go for a nuclear war in a moment.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15But first, let me update you on the reactions to the stories.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17So, T0by-Lerone has tweeted...
0:26:25 > 0:26:27He really does conjure an image of an imperialist,
0:26:27 > 0:26:31racist overlord, but one who knows how to tip his hat to a lady.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Which I always appreciate.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38And FigRoly has sent in a message about health and safety...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Well, a moving and confusing tweet there from FigRoly,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54so thank you very much.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55OK, Nish, I hope you're excited,
0:26:55 > 0:26:59because it's time to announce the outcome of our online poll.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02And I'm very proud to reveal we've had not hundreds,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05not thousands, but several responses.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09And I can tell you that...
0:27:09 > 0:27:12overall, you, our intelligent and lovely viewers,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14are in favour of World War III!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18"But why?", you scream in terror?
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Well, Biffers26 makes this point...
0:27:32 > 0:27:35That's right, people so often forget that carnage does have a fun side.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40And thanks to all of you who took part in our simplistic poll
0:27:40 > 0:27:43that canvassed a handful of people about whom
0:27:43 > 0:27:45we have no background information.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- Back to you, Nish. - Thank you, Rachel Parris!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49APPLAUSE
0:27:51 > 0:27:55We've just got time for one final visit to the Mash News Desk.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Closing headlines:
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Milk in shops comes from cow's tits.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Mo Farah quashes allegations of drug cheating by finishing second.
0:28:16 > 0:28:21And Garden Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Garden Bridge is falling down, fuck off, Boris.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27But first,
0:28:27 > 0:28:30the maintenance of a large bell in central London
0:28:30 > 0:28:33has caused uproar among the usual dicks.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40The people in charge of the bell said it's old
0:28:40 > 0:28:43and needs to be temporarily stopped while work is done on it,
0:28:43 > 0:28:45which caused the usual dicks to
0:28:45 > 0:28:47describe it as a national disgrace,
0:28:47 > 0:28:48while running around,
0:28:48 > 0:28:49flapping their arms.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53One media dick declared that even the Luftwaffe
0:28:53 > 0:28:56couldn't stop it chiming, although the Nazis were trying to
0:28:56 > 0:29:00blow it up rather than doing scheduled maintenance work.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02I've never even thought about this bell before,
0:29:02 > 0:29:04but now it's going away, I'll tell you this,
0:29:04 > 0:29:07if we don't hear it every hour of every day, society will collapse.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09We have to silence this magnificent bell
0:29:09 > 0:29:12just to stop a few workmen going deaf?
0:29:12 > 0:29:14The sooner we come out the EU the better.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Sex is actually quite strange.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22That's the conclusion of a new study which confirmed that
0:29:22 > 0:29:26sexual intercourse is probably the oddest thing you could do.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Professor Henry Brubaker is in our Cardiff studio.
0:29:28 > 0:29:32So, Professor, what's so weird about sex?
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Picture yourself, naked and grunting,
0:29:35 > 0:29:37lying on top of another person.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39You're saying stuff that isn't even proper sentences,
0:29:39 > 0:29:42often amounting to little more than just swearing at each other.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45Meanwhile, your face exudes a mixture of pain and concern,
0:29:45 > 0:29:48like you've just pulled a hamstring.
0:29:48 > 0:29:49That's sex.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54But surely sex is entirely natural?
0:29:54 > 0:29:57Well, so are turtles, and they're like little walking dog turds
0:29:57 > 0:29:59with army helmets on their backs.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03Just because something's natural, doesn't mean it's right.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05I remember when I had sex. It WAS weird.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07We all thought so.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11APPLAUSE
0:30:13 > 0:30:16Thank you so much for watching The Mash Report. I'm Nish Kumar.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18See you next time. Goodbye!
0:30:18 > 0:30:20APPLAUSE