0:00:02 > 0:00:05# Hello, my friends It's time, you will surmise
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# For me to give some gongs out And the same rule still applies
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# They're not for achievements that usually get the prize
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# For this show is for those we all too seldom recognise
0:00:15 > 0:00:19# Let's review the wronged and the rejected
0:00:19 > 0:00:23# And we'll praise the ones we have neglected
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# So take your seats My ladies and my lords
0:00:26 > 0:00:33# It's the Matt Lucas Show Awards!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# Lucas Awards! #
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I'm afraid, it's the Matt Lucas Christmas Awards!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41So please welcome your host, Matt Lucas.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Hello!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Thank you, thank you.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Thank you, thank you.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Hello there, hello there, hello there.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Hello there. Hello!
0:00:54 > 0:00:59Hello. Yes, welcome to the Matt Lucas Christmas Awards,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01the show that gives the Christmas awards
0:01:01 > 0:01:02other Christmas shows don't give.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Unfortunately, Father Christmas can't be here with us tonight,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08but we do have the next best thing - please welcome Mother Christmas!
0:01:08 > 0:01:11APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:15And providing the nominations, we have Alan Davies, Jo Brand,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18and Rhod Gilbert. Thank you very much for joining me.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22As ever, the winners of each award are decided by a panel
0:01:22 > 0:01:25of judges, who this week are the stars of pantomime.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Please welcome Bonnie Langford, Ted Robbins, Bob Carolgees
0:01:28 > 0:01:30and Spit The Dog.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35So let's get on with our first award.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Now my favourite part of Christmas is showing people I've gone off them
0:01:38 > 0:01:40by not sending them a Christmas card.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42So if you're watching and you didn't get one,
0:01:42 > 0:01:43it's cos we're no longer friends,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46so please stop bothering me! We're not doing the double act again.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48But what of our guests?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Nominations, please, for people you'd most like
0:01:51 > 0:01:52to leave off the Christmas card list.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Rhod.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57People who remove their eyebrows and then replace them
0:01:57 > 0:01:59with a bit of home-made, drawn-on eyebrows.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- Alan.- Dog owners.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02And Jo.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05People who have had their teeth whitened or anything done
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- to their face.- Okey-dokey.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11So, Rhod, why have you gone for people who shave off their eyebrows?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14It's just my thing in life I'm noticing. I just...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I genuinely, genuinely think we're going to look back on this
0:02:16 > 0:02:18period of eyebrow fashion
0:02:18 > 0:02:20as something that's just insane.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I think people just look absolutely insane.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26But it's the fact that you can see where they're supposed to be,
0:02:26 > 0:02:31the sort of visible bony protuberance like a chicken's back,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34that's sort of...you can see where the eyebrows are supposed to be.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I just think we're going to look back on this period
0:02:36 > 0:02:38and think what...we've just gone bonkers.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Drawn-on eyebrows don't work.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Eyebrows are a thing, they're supposed to keep out dust
0:02:43 > 0:02:46and rain, and they, you know, they... tear, I don't know, sweat...
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- Keep out rain?- Well, yes, you know.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Oh, it's raining, you'd better make sure your eyebrows
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- are in good nick. - Wind them out like that.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Exactly, they're umbrellas for the eyes.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Well, let's... Umbrellas for the eyes?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01They're functional, they've evolved for a reason.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Drawn-on eyebrows don't work.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Cos if you could, if you had a like a rubber,
0:03:06 > 0:03:10you could constantly change your expression, couldn't you?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Evil.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Amazed. Roger Moore.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17You could, but the beauty of the original eyebrow that
0:03:17 > 0:03:20we're all blessed with - or most of us, no offence.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I've just realised looking at you, I thought, "Oh, Christ,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29"this was the wrong show to bring this..." There's only one host
0:03:29 > 0:03:32in the world without eyebrows, and I go on his show.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Just sit this bit out, I can't tell if you're annoyed.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39That's the problem.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Rhod. Rhod.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Rhod, you don't know, but I'm absolutely livid right now.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Yeah, but we have a photo of the kind of thing you mean here.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52There we go, there's Christina Aguilera.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Look you can see where the eyebrow is supposed to be -
0:03:54 > 0:03:56the skin is sort of shining like where it's supposed to be.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Rhod, have you ever been tempted to sort of shave yours off
0:03:59 > 0:04:01and then draw some new ones on?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04No, they don't work. Anything... Like, if you cut your nose off
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- and draw on a separate nose, it's not going to work as a nose.- No.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12You can't blow a drawn-on nose. You can't... Right, I'll show you.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Look, I've brought things to show, anything you want.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I'm not happy with my arms, I'd rather... Actually,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I'm not happy with my...Clifford, right? There we are.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Your Clifford?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23There we are, sorry.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24I'll just draw on a better one.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27How about that? There it is, that's me from now on.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34It's not going to work, it's not... Apart from anything,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36it hasn't got a hole on the end. It's not going to work.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39It's not going to... Anything drawn on is not going to work.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40I could draw eyebrows on you if you want.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Hang on a minute, now I'm not the only thing that's bald. Look.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46This is you actually. Now, look, there we go.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53- Thank you very much, yeah. Yeah, thank you.- You can have that.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Would you like to draw some eyebrows on me?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Is this what we're getting at? - I'd love to draw eyebrows on you.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- This is just...- Oh, right. OK.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Where do eyebrows go? This is the...?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- That's a guide. - I know roughly.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Oh, yeah. OK, yeah, I see.- So do you want me to hold them up like that?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Yeah, you hold them up like that.- OK.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Do a mono brow.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Oh, no, let's do...
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I can give you a bit of a comb-over as well, if you want.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35This feels humiliating.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Some people have their eyebrows tattooed, don't they?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Have you seen that?- Yeah. - And eyelashes tattooed as well.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I've heard of it. I think we'll look back on this period
0:05:44 > 0:05:46and think we've just lost the plot.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Eyebrows wise.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Thank you very much, Rodney, I feel you've given us
0:05:51 > 0:05:52a very persuasive argument there.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Now, Alan, I could take a lot of offence at your nomination,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57because I myself am a dog owner.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59So what's wrong with people like me?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01The dog owners...
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Not all dog owners, Matt. I'm sure you're not like this.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06..seem to think the dogs are more important than the children
0:06:06 > 0:06:07- of the world.- Right.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11And when you have children, they don't really care
0:06:11 > 0:06:14how they behave towards them. So if we take the kids out for a walk,
0:06:14 > 0:06:18they're constantly... My little boy who's two, likes to have a stick,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21and he's constantly having to fall on his stick and protect it along
0:06:21 > 0:06:25with all his other vital organs, while dogs sniff all around him,
0:06:25 > 0:06:29and owners stand nearby huffing and tutting. And eventually, he starts
0:06:29 > 0:06:31to sob. And then one of the owners said to me... I said,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35"You should apologise, cos he's knocked him over and he's upset."
0:06:35 > 0:06:37And she goes, "Well, it's your fault,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39"because your child's afraid of dogs."
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I said, "He's one."
0:06:41 > 0:06:43She goes, "Well, the dog's six months."
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Jo, do you share Alan's view here?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Well, I have children and certainly when they were small,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53they were assailed by dogs.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56My oldest daughter's... Actually, a dog jumped up
0:06:56 > 0:07:01onto her pushchair, knocked it over, and all hell was let loose,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04as the owner came running towards the dog shouting,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06"Britney, come here!"
0:07:07 > 0:07:09What about all the poo on the floor
0:07:09 > 0:07:11and the constant bags of poo left on people's...?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13My daughter doesn't do that now.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19See, I would take issue with that, the bags of poo, the poo on the floor
0:07:19 > 0:07:21and stuff, cos as a new dog owner -
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I've got a puppy, just six weeks ago -
0:07:24 > 0:07:27and I've been struck by the selfishness of non dog owners.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Really? - The stuff they leave on the floor.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- What?- As it happens, I've got an inventory here,
0:07:33 > 0:07:37of objects I've removed from my puppy's mouth only yesterday.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40This is on a walk through central London where we live. This is it.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I saved her life about 46 times in nine minutes.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45This is what other non dog owners have thrown on the ground and
0:07:45 > 0:07:48my dog got in her mouth, and I had to reach in and fetch it out, right?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Five chewing gums, nine cigarette butts,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53two balloons, an AA battery, three fliers for Indian takeaway
0:07:53 > 0:07:56and a copy of Frank Lampard's autobiography.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Is what my puppy got stuck in her mouth yesterday
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- going into Hyde Park. - When your child looks up at you
0:08:03 > 0:08:07and is wielding a four-day-old, dried-up dog turd and is about
0:08:07 > 0:08:12to chew on it, I would regard that as a more serious situation.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I would regard that as a vegetarian sausage.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Bob, you're a dog owner.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Alan has nominated dog owners here
0:08:23 > 0:08:25as people not to be on the Christmas card list -
0:08:25 > 0:08:27what do you what do you say in response to that?
0:08:27 > 0:08:33Yeah, I... Being a dog owner, personally, with this dog,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I have had a lifetime of horror.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39You know what I mean.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43DOG SPITS
0:08:43 > 0:08:46So, Jo, like Rhod, you object to vanity,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49you won't be sending a Christmas card to people who've had
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- their teeth whitened, is that right? - That's right.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Why would that be?
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Well, because first of all, I think it looks unnatural
0:08:56 > 0:08:59and it's frightening. And that might have something to do with
0:08:59 > 0:09:02the fact that when I was a kid, my grandad told me
0:09:02 > 0:09:07that his false teeth used to go and cut the lawn during the night.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11So I could believe that they...that there's...
0:09:11 > 0:09:15they look like false teeth, whitened teeth. They're not natural.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18British people's teeth are yellow with big brown blobs on them,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and that's what I like.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25Um, and the ones I accuse mainly of this are the entire cast
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- of The Only Way Is Essex. - Right, OK.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- Particularly Joey Essex. - Well, we have a photo here
0:09:31 > 0:09:33of Joey Essex, I believe. There you go.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Don't you think they look unnatural and a bit scary? They do.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42I would never snog someone like that for fear of them coming out
0:09:42 > 0:09:46and biting my eyebrows off, and then I'd have to paint them on.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Jo, it's not just teeth whitening you have an issue with -
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- it's all cosmetic procedures, is that right?- It is, really,
0:09:51 > 0:09:53cos I think it's very sad that...
0:09:53 > 0:09:57And it is women particularly who want to deny that they're ageing.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02Because we'll get this situation where you know a woman will
0:10:02 > 0:10:08kind of look 25, and then a man will go to grasp her bum,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11and it will come off, cos she's so old.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I think that that's quite scary.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Have you ever considered getting any work done yourself?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- If you did, what would you get? - I'd have me head taken off.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Do you want me to draw you a new one, Jo?- Yes, please.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26And then I'd have Rhod's put on Monday to Thursday
0:10:26 > 0:10:29and Alan's put on Friday to Sunday.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Judges, have any of you had plastic surgery?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I leant a mate of mine 3,000 quid to have plastic surgery,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38but now I don't know what he looks like and I can't get the money back.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44We'd never have anything done, would we?
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Thank you very much. Well, it's time to find out from our judges
0:10:51 > 0:10:53who is going to win the Lucas for people you'd most like
0:10:53 > 0:10:55to leave off the Christmas card list.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Will it be people who shave their eyebrows off
0:10:57 > 0:10:58and draw on replacements,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01dog owners, or people who have had their teeth whitened?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08The thing about a Christmas card is that you open your Christmas card
0:11:08 > 0:11:10and you go, "Oh, isn't that lovely?"
0:11:10 > 0:11:13But if they've got their eyebrows permanently surprised anyway,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15you don't need a card.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18So don't bother with the Christmas card for the permanently
0:11:18 > 0:11:20surprised people who've painted their own eyebrows on.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23So the winner of the Lucas for the people you'd most like to leave
0:11:23 > 0:11:27off the Christmas card list is... people who do their eyebrows!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Time for our next award.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Now, we all look forward to our Christmas dinner, don't we?
0:11:37 > 0:11:42The turkey, the stuffing, the roast potatoes, the peas, the carrots,
0:11:42 > 0:11:46the sprouts, the chipolatas, the gravy, the cranberry sauce, the more
0:11:46 > 0:11:50turkey, the more roast potatoes, the pudding, the brandy butter, the more
0:11:50 > 0:11:55pudding, the more brandy butter, the bloating, the flatulence,
0:11:55 > 0:12:00the shame, the regret, the self-loathing, the anger, the blame.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02And then the last remaining potato.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05But after all that over-indulgence,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08how can we best shift the extra pounds?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Serve up your nominations, please,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12for Most Effective Post-Christmas Diet.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Alan.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Carb-free Diet, Matt.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Rhod.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Stop Eating Like A Dog Diet.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20And Jo.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Not Being Me Diet.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Okey-dokeys. So, Alan,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28obviously being naturally very thin, I never really had to look
0:12:28 > 0:12:31into diets, but tell us why you've gone for the Carb-free Diet?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I had an incident once when I was in a restaurant,
0:12:33 > 0:12:37and I'd had a pizza and some garlic bread and some dough balls,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40and I went into some sort of a collapse,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42where I had to put my head on the table,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44and my wife had to take me home.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50Something told me that there was I had the wrong blend of food groups.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53This was followed by a period of bloating that lasted
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- well into Newsnight.- Right.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00I was asked to play Jonathan Creek again after a five-year hiatus.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I weighed myself and I was a stone more than
0:13:03 > 0:13:05he had been in the past,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08and I decided that I didn't want to be a bloaty Creek,
0:13:08 > 0:13:12I wanted to be the slender, lithe Creek of my youth.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Did you not fit in the Creek?
0:13:13 > 0:13:18I could no longer get in the required garments.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Too fat to get in the Creek.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23I couldn't. I was too tired and bloated.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27I had to cut down on carbs to get any zip about my investigating.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30"Whodunnit?" "I don't care, I want a lie down."
0:13:30 > 0:13:34"Too tired because of the garlic bread and the dough balls.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35"You solve it!"
0:13:35 > 0:13:37OK, so you went from one extreme to another.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Were there any side effects to going carb-free?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42You're hungry a lot of the time.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Right.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Rhod, what is the Stop Eating Like A Dog Diet?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52The... Yeah, I've just coined that,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54branded that, the Stop Eating Like A Dog Diet.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I just think that the best way... The question is Most Effective
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Post-Christmas Diet,
0:13:58 > 0:14:02and I think that, at Christmas, we tend to pretty much eat like dogs.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06We just... Dogs will eat until they die.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Just relentlessly eat and eat everything they're offered
0:14:11 > 0:14:13and just keep eating until they die if you let them.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16And I think that is pretty much what we all do at Christmas.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18And so the Most Effective Post-Christmas Diet would be
0:14:18 > 0:14:19stop doing that.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22They do... They sort of don't know when they're hungry.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I have two dogs, and one of them... You know, they normally poo
0:14:26 > 0:14:30twice a day, and one of my dogs poo'd eight times one day.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34And I couldn't work it out. Then I found the bag of dog food.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37He'd eaten...bitten a hole in the bag
0:14:37 > 0:14:39and had just gone there
0:14:39 > 0:14:42and was basically eating all day. And when I found him,
0:14:42 > 0:14:46he had his head there eating and was doing a shit at the same time.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Yeah, it's true, that was the eighth shit of the day.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50We used to have two dogs.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53One Christmas, they'd gone into the lounge where they weren't
0:14:53 > 0:14:56meant to be, got under the tree - we had a Retriever and an Alsatian -
0:14:56 > 0:15:00got into a tin of Quality Street, sorry,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02got into a tin of assorted chocolates.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06What were they, Quality Street?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09May have been Roses, can't remember.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Got all the wrappers off with their tiny little teeth
0:15:13 > 0:15:16and ate all the chocolates but left all the wrappers in the tin.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- Did they eat the green triangles? - All of them.- Wow.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20That's commitment.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Plainly, they're inhuman.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26They are inhuman, it's true. And well done on spotting that.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Jo, tell us about your nomination - not being you.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Because I'm useless at losing weight either after Christmas
0:15:34 > 0:15:35of before Christmas.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39I mean, I've had a weight problem probably since I was
0:15:39 > 0:15:41a teenager when I went on the pill
0:15:41 > 0:15:44and put on four stone, um, so...
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- A lot bigger than the pill, wasn't it?- Uh?
0:15:49 > 0:15:50It was.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- That wasn't the pill, that was a wagon wheel.- Was it?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I wish I'd enjoyed it more.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01No, I did, I put on four stone in about three months
0:16:01 > 0:16:02- when I went on the pill. - Three months?
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Yeah, so that proved to be a very affective contraceptive, obviously.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Um...
0:16:09 > 0:16:12You know, my husband really wants me to lose weight as well,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15but he can't bear to say it straight out, so he hints, like,
0:16:15 > 0:16:19for my birthday, he got me a dress that was two sizes too small, right?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Handed it over and said, "Look forward to seeing you in it,"
0:16:22 > 0:16:25so for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I had a friend who had a cat that was getting a bit overweight,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33and the cat was getting bigger and bigger,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35so they put a note on the cat's collar saying,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38"If you are feeding this cat, please ring this number."
0:16:38 > 0:16:40And seven people rang up.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44It was going to seven different houses every day
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and acting starved
0:16:46 > 0:16:50to the point where someone thought they were just keeping it alive.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Cos my husband pins a note on me every time I go out,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I can't see what it says.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02So, you come home, he's going, "Thanks for ringing, no carbs."
0:17:03 > 0:17:05So what is going to win
0:17:05 > 0:17:07the Lucas for Most Effective Post-Christmas Diet?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Will it be the Carb-free Diet, the Stop Eating Like A Dog Diet,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12or Not Being Jo.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I mean, we can't go for the dog one, can we?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19No, it would be upset.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Probably a lot of us certainly over Christmas try and have a bit
0:17:23 > 0:17:25too much carbs, I agree with that. I personally wouldn't cut them
0:17:25 > 0:17:29out completely, but I think that's the most sensible. What do you think?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31DOS SPITS As always.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35So the winner of the Lucas for Most Effective Post-Christmas Diet is...
0:17:35 > 0:17:36non-carbs.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44So, time for another Christmas-themed Christmas award
0:17:44 > 0:17:48for Christmas, in which we celebrate the birth of Jesus...
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Move up the Autocue.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52..Christ, yes.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Now, I much prefer giving than receiving -
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I just find it a lot more pleasurable.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02But have my guests found receiving as uncomfortable as me?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Nominations, please,
0:18:04 > 0:18:08for the Most Disappointing Christmas Present Ever Received.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Jo.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Um, a kitten.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Alan.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14A bat box.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16And, R Hod.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Home-made board games.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23So, Jo, why have you nominated a kitten for your most
0:18:23 > 0:18:25disappointing Christmas present?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Because if you don't mind me saying, that's...you come across as a bit ungrateful?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Um, well, what happened was, I was probably about five or six
0:18:33 > 0:18:36at the time, and my mum and dad bought me and my brothers
0:18:36 > 0:18:42a kitten for Christmas, and, um, it escaped and went up the chimney.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46So on Christmas Day, um, it was up there,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49and it wouldn't come down, and so we didn't have a Christmas present,
0:18:49 > 0:18:55and so we were quite disappointed, and so they tried various methods
0:18:55 > 0:18:59of getting it out, like lit a fire, which I thought was a bit cruel.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Did you get a hoover and attach a pipe and try and suck it down?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04No, but I wish we had.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Put some cat food at the bottom in a little saucer
0:19:08 > 0:19:13to try and lure it down, sent a small child up, um, and then
0:19:13 > 0:19:17eventually, after about four days, it just dropped dead into the grate.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20It didn't, really.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Um, it did eventually come down, but by that time, it was four days
0:19:25 > 0:19:28after Christmas, so what was the point of that?
0:19:28 > 0:19:32And yet for all these woes, you are now an ambassador of, um,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- the charity International Animal Rescue, aren't you?- I am.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Oh, is that like Thunderbirds but with animals?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42That's why I agreed to it,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44cos I thought I might meet the Tracy Brothers.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- Right.- Meow!
0:19:46 > 0:19:51Yes, I am. I am an ambassador for International Animal Rescue.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- What does that involve?- Not much.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55No.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57"Cats and dogs are go!"
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Do you do a lot of charity work, Rhod, or are you more the recipient?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03LAUGHTER
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I'm not sure that question needs an answer, I think. I think
0:20:06 > 0:20:08the joke was in the question!
0:20:08 > 0:20:13Alan, um, your nomination is a bat box. What is a bat box, please?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Well, I was, when I was small, one of my mum's friends came
0:20:17 > 0:20:20round with some presents for us, and they went under the tree.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I had an older brother and a younger sister, I still do,
0:20:23 > 0:20:27and my present was noticeably bigger than theirs. I mean, it was a really
0:20:27 > 0:20:30substantial item, it was the biggest one under the tree. I thought
0:20:30 > 0:20:34it was quite likely to be some sort of car racing game or something
0:20:34 > 0:20:38exciting. I couldn't wait to open it. Opened it up, and it was
0:20:38 > 0:20:41a wooden box with a slot in the bottom of it,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44and she said, it's a bat box.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46We've actually got one here.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48There you go - was it a bit like that?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49It was quite a lot bigger than that or maybe
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I was just a lot smaller than I am now.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Could be. Could be. Could be both.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55You're supposed to put it on your house,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58and bats go and live in it, but my father put it in the shed.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04So you... We never spoke of it again. He didn't want bats living on the side of the house.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Have a look at that.- There's the slot, that's it, a slot like that. - There's the slot and of course...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11They go in there and they hang upside down and they love it up there.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15What's in there? Like an arcade or something? What's there to do?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18How do you get word out to the bat community that there's a new abode,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20how do you let the bats know?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23When I... As a kid, I grew up in the country
0:21:23 > 0:21:25and I would have loved a bat box, actually.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27You'd never get in there.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Not for me.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Now, Rhod, tell me why you've nominated home-made board games?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38My dad used to do it a lot, home-made board games.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I can remember one famous incident where he... I can remember
0:21:41 > 0:21:46ripping open this paper, and "Buckaroo" it said, "Buckaroo".
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Buckaroo, yeah.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54In felt tip pen. Literally "Clarks Shoes" crossed out underneath.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59A home-made Buckaroo.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01For those of you who don't know what Buckaroo is,
0:22:01 > 0:22:08because it's not an app, let's have a look at an advert for it.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Oh, no! I can't carry one more thing!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13It's Buckaroo!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16How much gear can you load on before he kicks? Careful now,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19or he'll buck, buck, Buckaroo!
0:22:19 > 0:22:20OK, that was real Buckaroo there,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23but, Rhod, that wasn't what you received for Christmas, was it?
0:22:23 > 0:22:27No, it wasn't exactly that. Perhaps you'd like to show people what I received for Christmas, Matt.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29OK, so we don't have the exact present that you received, because
0:22:29 > 0:22:32you probably hurled it into a lake or something through frustration.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35You guys have knocked up a faithful reproduction for me.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38We've got a sort of a repro there for you.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41You can see that, I'll tip off these.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49It's essentially a Barbie horse gaffer-taped to a cheeseboard.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Yep.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53It's cheaper to get an actual Buckaroo.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55This is the really weird bit,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58is that this stuff was the real stuff from a Buckaroo set.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01He bought the game and then sort of threw away the horse?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I don't...I don't know, but...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06People say to me, how does it flip up?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09But you're going, it doesn't. It doesn't flip up.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10You just hang this stuff up until...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12You put it on. Oh, exciting.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Until one of the hooks just gives up.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Always the same hook?
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Oh, yeah, to be honest, once one of the hooks is loosened.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26You tend to avoid it.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27You tend to avoid that hook.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33It's basically just until the glue just sort of relents
0:23:33 > 0:23:35and gives up - really, that's it, that's the game.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39OK, so it's time to go over to the judges and find out what is going
0:23:39 > 0:23:42to win the Lucas for Most Disappointing Christmas Present Ever received.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Will it be a kitten, a bat box or home-made board games?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53For sheer disappointment and thinking it was a Scalextrix
0:23:53 > 0:23:58or other similar type of game, the bat box for Alan, very disappointing.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Thank you very much and the winner of the Lucas
0:24:00 > 0:24:04for Most Disappointing Christmas Present Ever Received has to be the bat box.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06APPLAUSE
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Time for our final Lucas of the night - it's our Hidden Talent award,
0:24:13 > 0:24:16when we discover the special skills our guests normally keep
0:24:16 > 0:24:20close to their chest. Your nominations, please...Alan.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I can name Arsenal players by their haircuts.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Jo.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I have an encyclopaedic knowledge of Elvis Costello songs.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29And Rhod.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32I'm so good at French, I can convince a French person I'm French.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37So, Alan, like me, you support # By far the greatest team the world
0:24:37 > 0:24:42# Has ever seen, and it's Ar-se-nal
0:24:42 > 0:24:45# Arsenal FC. # Don't you?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I used to see you over at Highbury back in the day,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50before you became hugely successful and got a box.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52But also, they don't play at Highbury any more,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55that was one of the other reasons. Are you still going to Highbury?
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Yeah, but we did see each other occasionally, didn't we?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- Used to see you, yeah.- I do love going. I've been going along since I was in...primary school.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10And, um, hairstyles have changed over the years, but I'm pretty confident.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Okey-dokey, well, it's time to put Alan's knowledge to the test,
0:25:13 > 0:25:16as he joins me over there in the changing room over there.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20APPLAUSE
0:25:23 > 0:25:26OK, now, Alan has until the ref blows her whistle to name as many
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Arsenal players as he can from just their hair.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Your time, Alan, starts now.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- David Seaman.- Let's have a look.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Seamo, that's him, next one.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42- Freddie Ljungberg.- It has to be Freddie Ljungberg, Next one please.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Gervinho.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Is it Gervinho?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Well done.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52The invisible man.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I guess it must be a player who had no hair?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59A totally bald one? Sol Campbell had no hair.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01It could be Sol Campbell.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04It's Patrick Vieira. Shame on you, shame on you!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07How could you not know the greatest person to leave the club?
0:26:07 > 0:26:08OK, let's do the next one.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Oh who's that?
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Do you want a clue?
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Give me a clue, give me a clue.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Is it Alan Sunderland?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Is it Alan Sunderland? Let's have a look.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Yes, of course it's Alan Sunderland. Next one. What do you think?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Sideburns. He's not Bergkamp - Bergkamp didn't have that
0:26:27 > 0:26:28much hair, did he?
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Hazard a guess?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31I'm going to go Bergkamp. I'm not sure.
0:26:31 > 0:26:37It was David Platt, yes, very good, OK. Next one, please.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Emmanuel Petit.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Is it Emmanuel Petit?
0:26:41 > 0:26:46It's Emmanuel Petit, yes. Who could this be, Alan?
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Not Chamakh, is it?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50It's not Chamakh, no. I don't think his hair was quite so long.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54It is an even worse player than Chamakh, though.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55That's simply not true.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Let's see who it is.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Alan Davies, yes!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03APPLAUSE
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Congratulations, sir. If you'd like to make your way please back to the sofa.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Um, Jo, your talent is apparently an in-depth knowledge
0:27:16 > 0:27:19of the work of Elvis Costello.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21When did you first get into Elvis Costello, Jo?
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Um, sorry. Um, when did I first get...?
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Like, 1979. Ish.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33OK, and how confident are you that you are going to be able
0:27:33 > 0:27:35to prove your Elvis Costello knowledge?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Um, not confident at all,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40because since the menopause, I have no memory to speak of.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Excellent, well, it's time to find out how much the menopause has
0:27:44 > 0:27:48destroyed Jo Brand's memory, as we go over there to the bit over there.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:27:55So on this board,
0:27:55 > 0:27:59we have 12 lyrics from some of Elvis Costello's most famous songs,
0:27:59 > 0:28:03and on this board, we have 50 words, and Jo has
0:28:03 > 0:28:06until the buzzer sounds to fill in the blanks. Are you ready?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08- Yeah.- OK, your time starts now.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10OK, what have we got?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Is it all in that pretty little...what?
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Oh, OK, I'm seriously thinking about hiding the receiver.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20I can hardly bear the sight of lipstick on the, um, cigarette,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22I'll do it, don't worry. Come on, we're against the clock.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25The next one - when you find strange hands in your...
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Oh, yes, I know that one, I know that one. Your...
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Yes, yes, in your discharge...
0:28:32 > 0:28:33That might not be right, actually.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37A few more to fill in. OK, is it all in that pretty little what of yours?
0:28:37 > 0:28:38Head.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40- I think that's from Veronica.- It is.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42I've tasted the bitterness of my own what?
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Lasagne. Tears, tears, tears, I think.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Come on, we're against the clock.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50OK, when you find strange hands in your what?
0:28:50 > 0:28:52- Oh...- Anything, Jo.- Sweater.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53Sweater. OK.
0:28:53 > 0:28:58- Quickly, Jo, the rabid rebel dogs ransack the what shop?- Pound Shop.
0:28:58 > 0:28:59The Pound Shop?
0:28:59 > 0:29:03And, finally, I've been on tenterhooks, ending in dirty what?
0:29:03 > 0:29:05- Looks.- OK.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07GONG
0:29:07 > 0:29:09There we go, Jo, congratulations.
0:29:09 > 0:29:10All right.
0:29:13 > 0:29:14OK, let's see how you did.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17I'm not going to get too sentimental like those other sticky
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Valentines, correct.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21Is it all in that pretty little head of yours?
0:29:21 > 0:29:25Correct. I've tasted the bitterness of my own tears, correct.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28- I was seriously thinking about hiding the...- Receiver.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Receiver from Radio Radio, correct.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34I can hardly bear the sight of lipstick on the cigarettes, correct.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37- When you find strange hands in your...- Sweater.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39Sweater. Every day I write the book.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42The rabid rebel dogs ransack...
0:29:42 > 0:29:43That's wrong.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45That is wrong - that's shampoo shop.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Fear is here to stay, love is here for a...
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Visit.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51Visit, Watching The Detectives correct.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Don't start me talking, I could talk all night.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Um, shake you very gently by the...throat -
0:29:56 > 0:29:58I Don't Want To Go To Chelsea.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Your mind is made up, but your mouth is undone.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03And I've been on tenterhooks, ending in dirty looks.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06You did very well, Jo Brand, congratulations.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Jo Brand, ladies and gentlemen.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10APPLAUSE
0:30:10 > 0:30:1311 out of 12!
0:30:13 > 0:30:16And finally, um, Rhod, you claim
0:30:16 > 0:30:19you're so good at the French language,
0:30:19 > 0:30:21that you could convince a real French person
0:30:21 > 0:30:22that you are in fact French.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25On what evidence do you base this claim, sir?
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Um, je suis France a l'ecole.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29LAUGHTER
0:30:29 > 0:30:30So, um...
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Tres confident, tres confident.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34I wouldn't be.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37Well, it's time to put big Rhod's claim to the test,
0:30:37 > 0:30:41as he joins me over there in the bit like Blind Date, over there.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43APPLAUSE
0:30:46 > 0:30:48There you go, Rhod, take a seat.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52Now, shortly, we're going to bring out a French woman,
0:30:52 > 0:30:54who's going to listen to Rhod's French speaking.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57However, to make this a bit more challenging,
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Rhod is going to be going up against a couple of actual Frenchies.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03Will you please welcome celebrity chef Jean-Christophe Novelli
0:31:03 > 0:31:06and football legend David Ginola.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08CHEERING
0:31:08 > 0:31:09Here they come.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12Bonjour, bonjour.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18Asseyez-vous, monsieur, asseyez-vous.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Yes, lovely, please.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22- (FRENCH ACCENT)- Sit yourself down.
0:31:22 > 0:31:23LAUGHTER
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Our French woman has not heard any of this.
0:31:26 > 0:31:27All she knows is that there are three men
0:31:27 > 0:31:29who are going to talk to her,
0:31:29 > 0:31:31and that only two of them are French...
0:31:31 > 0:31:33- (WELSH ACCENT) - ..and one is a little liar...
0:31:33 > 0:31:35so let's bring out our real French woman.
0:31:35 > 0:31:36Please welcome Marianne.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39APPLAUSE
0:31:39 > 0:31:40Hello, bonsoir.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Please take a seat.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Bonsoir, mademoiselle. So do you think you are going to be able
0:31:48 > 0:31:52to detect the two real French people from the fraud?
0:31:52 > 0:31:54- I am sure.- You are sure, OK.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57So this is how it's going to work - we have three men
0:31:57 > 0:32:01on the other side of the screen. One of them is not French, OK?
0:32:01 > 0:32:04So French, as we all know, is the language of love,
0:32:04 > 0:32:07so each of our guys has a French love poem
0:32:07 > 0:32:08that they're going to read out,
0:32:08 > 0:32:11and you can decide which one of them is the imposter.
0:32:11 > 0:32:16Oh, la la. I am looking forward to, mmm, discover him.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Number one, please read your poem.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Interesting, OK.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Number two, if you could read your poem, please.
0:32:47 > 0:32:48- Oh, la la.- Ooh, la la.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52And finally, numero trois, please read your poem.
0:33:09 > 0:33:10OK...
0:33:10 > 0:33:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:14 > 0:33:17Now, just in case Marianne isn't really sure,
0:33:17 > 0:33:20let's really try to flush out the fake over there.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23One of the men is not only French but is also a bit Welsh,
0:33:23 > 0:33:26so we're going to ask all three of the guys to tell us
0:33:26 > 0:33:30what they have planned for Christmas but in their best Welsh accents.
0:33:30 > 0:33:31LAUGHTER
0:33:31 > 0:33:35Number one, please - what will you be doing..."pour Noel"?
0:33:35 > 0:33:39For Christmas, I will be returning home to Llandudno...
0:33:41 > 0:33:43..and cooking my favourite dish...
0:33:44 > 0:33:47..Welsh rarebit and leeks.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Boyo!
0:33:52 > 0:33:53Welsh.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56LAUGHTER
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Number two, if you can tell us, please,
0:33:58 > 0:34:01about your Christmas in your best Welsh.
0:34:01 > 0:34:02Tidy.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05For Christmas, I am returning to the Valleys.
0:34:08 > 0:34:12I am looking forward to seeing my friends,
0:34:12 > 0:34:16who are all rugby-playing coalminers.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:23 > 0:34:25And finally, number three, in your very best Welsh accent,
0:34:25 > 0:34:29will you please tell us what you are going to be doing for Christmas?
0:34:29 > 0:34:31(FRENCH ACCENT) Yes, tidy also.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37For Christmas, I am also returning to the Valleys.
0:34:37 > 0:34:42I also look forward to seeing my friends,
0:34:42 > 0:34:47who are also all rugby-playing coalminers.
0:34:47 > 0:34:48Boyo.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Can you do something a bit more original?
0:34:57 > 0:34:58You just said what he just said.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01Yes, it's very easy to pretend to be Welsh trying to be French
0:35:01 > 0:35:03pretending to be Welsh. I'm already confused.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06- I'm having a nervous breakdown. - Well, you came on this show...
0:35:06 > 0:35:08- Oi, oi, you came on this show...- You asked me on the show!
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Yeah, I asked you on the show...
0:35:10 > 0:35:11OK, I asked you on the show,
0:35:11 > 0:35:13number one - because David Mitchell was busy.
0:35:13 > 0:35:17Number two - we didn't have much left in the budget, you were cheap.
0:35:17 > 0:35:18And number three - we gave you the option
0:35:18 > 0:35:21to pick any challenge you wanted. This is the challenge you picked.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23- All right. - So put your mind to it, man.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Well, let me break something to you. David Mitchell wasn't busy.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29He just said that cos he didn't want to do the bloody show.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31OK, well, fine. Right now, I can see why.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34Yeah, but right now, she knows who is the Welshman.
0:35:34 > 0:35:35No, she doesn't.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38(FRENCH ACCENT) Unless this is all a big bluff.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Unless this is a big bluff.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42This is maybe, peut-etre, a massive bluff.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44OK, Marianne, it's time for you to make your decision.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47One of the men over there is not really French,
0:35:47 > 0:35:51but is it number one, number two or number three?
0:35:51 > 0:35:54Hmm, I would say...
0:35:55 > 0:35:58- ..that number one is French.- OK.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02The number two is not French...
0:36:02 > 0:36:04AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:36:04 > 0:36:06..and the number three's French?
0:36:07 > 0:36:09You think so?
0:36:09 > 0:36:10Oh, I hope so.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14His head's so big, he won't be able to get out of here.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16Let's find out if you're right.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Number one was actually not Welsh.
0:36:19 > 0:36:23He was really celebrity chef Jean-Christophe Novelli.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27- Bonsoir.- Bonsoir.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30The French, you're always kissing.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32Number two was David Ginola.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34She thinks you're Welsh, mate.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38- Bonsoir.- Bonsoir. Did I win that?
0:36:38 > 0:36:40Yeah, I think you did. It's weird, isn't it?
0:36:40 > 0:36:41You chose number two.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44- Yes.- That was David Ginola.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Congratulations, Rhod. Back to the sofa.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56I have to say, I don't think any of us saw that coming.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58- No.- Well, we've seen all the nominations
0:36:58 > 0:36:59for our Hidden Talent award.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02Identifying the Arsenal players from just their hair,
0:37:02 > 0:37:04knowledge of Elvis Costello,
0:37:04 > 0:37:07and successfully convincing a French person that you are French,
0:37:07 > 0:37:10which I'm still not sure if you did, but it looks like you did.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Well, we'd better find out what's going to win this award.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:37:16 > 0:37:19Very difficult, cos they were all brilliant.
0:37:19 > 0:37:20- They were excellent.- Fantastic.
0:37:20 > 0:37:25- But because Jo hasn't got one, I think it's got to be Jo.- Aw...
0:37:25 > 0:37:26Yes, thank you very much.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29So the winner of the Hidden Talent award is Jo!
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Well, that's just about it for tonight.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38All I need to do is award our Lucas of Lucases,
0:37:38 > 0:37:42which tonight goes to the Most Festive Guest.
0:37:42 > 0:37:43Mother Christmas,
0:37:43 > 0:37:45who would you like to give this award to this evening?
0:37:45 > 0:37:48I'm going to award it to Rhod. cos I was really impressed
0:37:48 > 0:37:49with his French-speaking skills.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51There you go. Congratulations, Rhod Gilbert!
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Rhod, is there anything you'd like to say?
0:37:58 > 0:38:02No, I'm just going to pop a bit of eyebrows on him.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Well, congratulations once again.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Thanks to all my guests - Alan Davies, Jo Brand, Rhod Gilbert -
0:38:07 > 0:38:10to our judges, to my mum, and to you at home for watching.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Wishing you all a very merry Christmas
0:38:12 > 0:38:14and happy New Year. Good night!
0:38:14 > 0:38:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE