0:00:02 > 0:00:05# Hello, my friends It's time you will surmise
0:00:05 > 0:00:09# For me to give some gongs out And the same rule still applies
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# They're not for achievements That usually get the prize
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# This show is for those we all too seldom recognise
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Let's review the ones who were rejected
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# And we'll praise the ones we have neglected
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# So take your seats, m'ladies and m'lords
0:00:27 > 0:00:33# It's the Matt Lucas Awards
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# Lucas Awards! #
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to the Matt Lucas Awards,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40the show that gives the awards other shows don't give.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Tonight's show is a look back at some of my favourite bits
0:00:43 > 0:00:46from across the series, hope you enjoy it.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:50So, it's time for our first award.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54A wise man once said that "no man is happy without delusion".
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I was thinking that only the other day when I was having my hair done.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00But who, according to our guests,
0:01:00 > 0:01:05deserves the Lucas for Most Deluded Group Of People, Andy?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08People who still trust their banks.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Rhys?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12People who own personalised numberplates.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13And Susan?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Parents.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Lightning strikes again and again and again,
0:01:20 > 0:01:21my lovely mother, I'm so excited
0:01:21 > 0:01:23that your mother is here,
0:01:23 > 0:01:25There's a kind of erotic...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28there's an erotic charge in the room already.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30We've all felt it, he's saying what everyone's thinking.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35Yes, well, at my age it's not kinky, whereas at yours it is.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39My lovely mother had her knees replaced.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43In the olden days, when they used to do it with metal.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Do not get your knees replaced with metal
0:01:45 > 0:01:48if you are going to live in a climate where there are lots of storms.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- Right.- Because lightning - cling!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Time and again she was out for a walk and cling!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- The lightning came and went straight to her metal knees.- Really?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59How many times has your mum been struck by lightning?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Well, it killed her eventually. Don't laugh!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:08But, yes, I was trying to pay a tax bill and there was a problem,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10phoned up the bank and there was a lady who said,
0:02:10 > 0:02:14"There were limits in place to prevent fraud, Mr Parsons."
0:02:14 > 0:02:16And so we argued for a bit,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I said, "Well, obviously you know it's not fraud
0:02:19 > 0:02:21"because you've spent the last five minutes checking I am
0:02:21 > 0:02:25"who I say I am and you obviously don't think that I'm not
0:02:25 > 0:02:28"who I say I am cos you keep calling me Mr Parsons, right?"
0:02:28 > 0:02:32"But also in the whole history of crime, has anybody tried
0:02:32 > 0:02:36"to defraud anybody else by paying their tax bill for them?"
0:02:36 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Big Dick, why do you have such a problem with innuendo?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Um, I think that...
0:02:44 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:49That was not funny!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Nothing funny about big and dick in that context.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55But, basically...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:03:00You just undermined my whole argument!
0:03:00 > 0:03:05The user of innuendo has I think five best friends, um, the words,
0:03:05 > 0:03:09"it", "big", "came", "hard"
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- and anything to do with fruit. - Right.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16And the use of any of those words in an otherwise innocent sentence
0:03:16 > 0:03:20allows an idiot to make a kind of pathetic innuendo.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24I keep getting bits of paper out of my pockets here,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27which gives the impression I do lots of homework all the time, I don't.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- But I've written down...- You're taking it from everywhere!- I know.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- He's got one in every hole! Aye! - Here we go!
0:03:34 > 0:03:35I'm going to read out...
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I'm going to read out just a few simple innuendos
0:03:37 > 0:03:39to demonstrate innuendo isn't funny,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42these contain some of the key words that I mentioned a moment ago.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44This will prove innuendo isn't funny.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45None of this audience will laugh,
0:03:45 > 0:03:50and if you do laugh, then I will think a lot less of you.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Santa Claus will be coming down the chimney soon,
0:03:52 > 0:03:56with his big sack, which he'll empty onto the floor.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:03:59See, there's one or two out there for sure.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Pathetic.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- Rhys?- Yes.- Why have you gone for people
0:04:05 > 0:04:08with personalised numberplates as your most deluded people?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Because the fact that they cost a lot of money
0:04:11 > 0:04:13and they make no sense most of the time.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15For example, if I wanted a private numberplate
0:04:15 > 0:04:17and I wanted to have Rhys on it - R-H-Y-S.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18You can't get Rhys.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22You get like R1135.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Now that doesn't spell Rhys.- No. - Cos it's R11...
0:04:25 > 0:04:27and they charge a lot of money for it. I looked it up today
0:04:27 > 0:04:32on the internet and melons, ME10N5.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Yeah.- Melons.- Yeah.- £35,000.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Wow!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Why would you want melons as a private numberplate?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Well, you might have a very, very nice pair...
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I've a lovely pair and that for me would be a very good choice.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Don't you think you could do something better with your money?
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- Yes, definitely.- For £35,000, you could get a hell of a set of melons!
0:04:52 > 0:04:53That's right.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56They've got that, the thing where they can take
0:04:56 > 0:04:57- an outline of your naked body.- Yeah.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00And I remember when they first came out, was with me dad,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03and because they were brand new, people were worried about them,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06and this poor guy was going, "So what we do is we take a picture of you,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"it's a semi-naked outline of your body,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"but we delete them straightaway."
0:05:10 > 0:05:12And my dad went, "Well, what about if someone walked through with
0:05:12 > 0:05:16"and they had like two willies or something like that?"
0:05:16 > 0:05:19His first concern was the privacy of a two-penised man!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- That was the first thought in his head!- I've interviewed him.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- Have you?- On This Morning.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26What did you ask the man with two willies?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28What he did with them, you know.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- You can do two things at once. - Were they both fully operational?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- They were both fully operational. - Wow!
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Well, I'm not going to waste this, see you later!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I bet there's a queue for that fella!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43There'd be a queue for that fella.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45If you form two queues.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Do you still know any of the dance steps that you did as a child?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Well, I do know, but... Yeah, I know some of them.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Can I ask you to demonstrate this knowledge?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Erm...- Can I call upon you? - Oh, OK.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- Would you? No, it will help your case.- OK.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04It will help prove how deluded your parents were.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07OK, erm, it would help if I had some music as well, though, because...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Music, OK, I'm sure we can. - It's quite difficult to get...
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Can we have some music, please?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14MUSIC: "Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy" by Tchaikovsky
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- Genuinely going to do this.- OK.- So, first position.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24But I can never do my arms right, I look like a crab.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Disco, I did disco as well, though.- Could you do some disco?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28DISCO BEAT PLAYS
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Oh, there you go, they're ready for you.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Five Star!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Very nice.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Very nice, Susan Calman!
0:06:44 > 0:06:48There you go.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52And that really strengthened your argument, I think.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Have you ever considered plastic surgery?
0:06:53 > 0:06:57I think if I was going to do anything like that, it's more hair removal,
0:06:57 > 0:06:58I've got a lot of hair. I don't want
0:06:58 > 0:06:59to rub it in your in your face...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- I could rub it in your face. - I'd rather you didn't.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- I'd rather you didn't.- I'm covered in the stuff like at the back.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Yeah, it is. Oh, yeah, it's not good.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11At the hairdresser's, literally, they don't know where to stop.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12I end up topless in the hairdresser's.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14That's a merkin on your back.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Thank you.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Do you have a problem with John Barrowman?
0:07:18 > 0:07:23Cos I always think he looks like a full-size Tom Cruise.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25What would you say if you met Tom Cruise,
0:07:25 > 0:07:26- what would you say? - Big if, isn't it?
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- Yeah.- I think I'd sort of say, "How are you hanging?" Is that it?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- That's what the Americans say. - Then I'd say, "See you later,"
0:07:33 > 0:07:34and then I'd sort of toddle off.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38I'd lie down prostrate before him. But facing up.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Have you ever interviewed Tom Cruise?- No!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42No, there's some people I... I would just...
0:07:42 > 0:07:46every egg would leave my body.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Mum, were you a deluded parent about me?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- I think so, yes.- Oh, thanks!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I knew you were very good at maths. I thought you could act,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I thought you could sing, I thought you could perform
0:07:56 > 0:07:58and I thought you were good at comedy.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Thanks very much. Thank you.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05She's still waiting for me to settle down
0:08:05 > 0:08:07with the right woman, to be honest!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10OK, will the Lucas for Most Deluded Group of People
0:08:10 > 0:08:12go to people who trust their banks,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15people with personalised numberplates or parents?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Eh, yes, Sooty. We feel the most deluded group of people,
0:08:23 > 0:08:27without a doubt, are parents.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Hurray!- Thank you very much. OK.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33So, the winner of the Lucas for Most Deluded Group of People is parents.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37APPLAUSE
0:08:37 > 0:08:39On to our next award.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42We all have days in the calendar we all look forward to, don't we?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Christmas Day, Boxing Day or, if you're BNP, St Georges Day,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48"Should be a day off work, shouldn't it?"
0:08:48 > 0:08:52But which of the 365 days of the year is the one we most dread.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Nominations please for the Lucas for Most Miserable Day Of The Year.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Ardal.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01My wife's birthday.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- Robert?- Any Sunday.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- And Adil?- Valentine's Day.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10So, um, Ardal, why do you dread your wife's birthday?
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Well, I should stress, I've nothing against her in any way whatsoever,
0:09:14 > 0:09:16the timing.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18It comes at a terrible time for me,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20it's very shortly after Christmas
0:09:20 > 0:09:23and very shortly after our wedding anniversary.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27And then it comes into the middle of January which also happens to be
0:09:27 > 0:09:29genuinely my lowest point of the year,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31so it's a really terrible time.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33So, I feel the pressure is intolerable.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Not only do I have to like excel once again on the present front,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39um, you know, my pipes are frozen.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Is that a euphemism, sorry?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I think that's a rather cute little puppet, don't you?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- Oh, what? No!- Cuddly.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50It's got the voice of an old lady,
0:09:50 > 0:09:54and the hectoring demeanour of...
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I can't even finish it,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58cos I'm so upset just thinking about the Y bird again.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01If the Y bird was here now, what would you say to her?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I wouldn't speak to her. I wouldn't look at her.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06If she tried to talk, I'd be like "Oh, is there a bee buzzing around?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08"I can't hear any." Did you never do that when you were a child?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10If you're trying to fight with your sister,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12"Oh, is there a bee in the room?"
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- Well, we have a surprise for you, Josie.- Oh, God, no! Are you serious?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Listening to every word you've said from her seat in the audience,
0:10:18 > 0:10:24is the condescending voice of the Y bird, Ellie Darvill, just over here.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26APPLAUSE
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Josie, would you like to backtrack/apologise at this point?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Sorry, I can't see her. Who's here? I can't see her.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Hello, Josie!
0:10:36 > 0:10:41Oh, my God! Oh, this is like a waking nightmare!
0:10:41 > 0:10:46I think you're very wrong to castigate dear old Y?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48If it was you, if it was just you going round
0:10:48 > 0:10:49and not the wooden bird, I'd be like,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51"Oh, that seems like a nice woman!"
0:10:51 > 0:10:52But like when...
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Don't backtrack now, Josie!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Yeah, yeah, we've got the tapes, we've got the tapes!
0:10:58 > 0:11:02By the way, if Scrappy Doo is here, I still think you're a nob.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Ellie, where is the Y bird now?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Well, she has been...
0:11:12 > 0:11:17in protective custody for the past 10 years or so.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20But we managed to get an extradition order and...
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Oh, Jesus!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- It's smaller than I thought.- Hello.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Josie? Would you like to go and touch the Y bird?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- Go and give the Y bird a stroke, go on, Josie.- Come on.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40Am I allowed to grab it off your hand and throw it into a fire?
0:11:40 > 0:11:45- No.- What do I...? I've never met a puppet of anything really before.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I don't know whether I should shake its hand.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49She hasn't got a hand.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Usually with children, you're running them around
0:11:53 > 0:11:54to different places, aren't you?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Picking them up from a birthday party,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- taking them to another birthday party.- Birthday parties!
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Other people's birthday parties full of other people's children.- Yes.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- That you have to be nice to.- Yes.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I mean, it's fine, you know, I like children,
0:12:06 > 0:12:10but I prefer mine to other people's.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12And because you've got to be on your best behaviour
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- and you can't swear. - I prefer other people's children.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Can't clip them round the ear any more. Sorry.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19If you if you're like me, you haven't got children, it's great.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Of course you have to prefer other people's children!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I don't plan to have children. You can play with Robert's children.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28You don't plan to have any children?
0:12:28 > 0:12:29I've got no plans at the moment.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31You've made some very early choices, young man.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Well, you're not selling it very well, Robert!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I'm not here to sell it. I'm here to complain about it.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- Sell your children.- I will not sell my children to you.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Racist! You won't sell your children to him.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- Exactly. Exactly. - Sell him your children!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Sell him your children!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I don't know if he's responsible or not, but sell them to him.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51£1.99.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Jason, did you write into any TV programmes ever?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Well, I wrote and sent to Swap Shop, from Ireland.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04In Dublin, we had all the same TV as you had,
0:13:04 > 0:13:08but when they said send in a toy, they meant Britain.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10They didn't mean Ireland.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15- And I sent them Frustration, and I wanted an Evil Knievel.- Yeah.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17And I didn't get anything.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19And I was doing the Royal Variety Show, actually
0:13:19 > 0:13:21and I'd never met Noel Edmunds.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25And he walked up and I went, "Ere, Noel!" like this,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28and there was, like, security guards all started to move in,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30because not many people knew who I was anyway.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33An Irish guy wandering round near the Royals.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37But anyway I went, "Ere, Noel, you owe me an Evil Knievel!"
0:13:37 > 0:13:39He said, "I don't know what you're talking about."
0:13:39 > 0:13:41And I was dragged away from him.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43You were dragged away from Noel Edmunds?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Two backstage bodyguards kind of pulled me away.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48It's heart-breaking when you're a kid and you do write to somebody,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50and they don't write back,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52which is why I appreciated Morph taking the trouble.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I have an older brother and when I was about four years old
0:13:55 > 0:13:57he faked a letter from Matthew Corbett
0:13:57 > 0:14:01telling me that Sooty, Sweep and Sue were coming round to the house
0:14:01 > 0:14:04to pick me up and take me out for the day.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06And I waited on the stairs for about three hours.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09You can put the camera on that bastard,
0:14:09 > 0:14:10he's sat over there, actually.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15I waited about 30 years to get my revenge, it's happening right now.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19I have a son of four and what you did to this boy is disgusting.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, made my hair fall out, yeah.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Yeah.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Mum, did you dread Sundays when I was little?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33No, I didn't, actually.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36We used to do lots of things with friends.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Yeah, it was nice, Sundays were nice.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Yeah, but when you were a bit older,
0:14:40 > 0:14:42and you and Howard were off my hands,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44then I spent quite a lot of time on my own.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Sunday can be a very lonely day, actually, as it happens.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51This is very cheery, this, isn't it?
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Sometimes my wife's birthday falls on a Sunday.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59And do you know what? It's not just Sunday.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I'm with Robert entirely on this, it's Mondays and Tuesdays as well.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I mean, there's far too many days in the week. Wednesday.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I never did stand-up, but I was in Toad Of Toad Hall,
0:15:10 > 0:15:14I like to name-drop, and there was a kid in the audience
0:15:14 > 0:15:17who took a hate to me from the moment I came on.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21And he would just scream those words, F off, a small child.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25And I changed costumes throughout the show. I came on as a rabbit
0:15:25 > 0:15:27at one point, then I was a pig.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31The kid recognised me, and he'd scream F off every time I appeared!
0:15:31 > 0:15:35So then at the very end we sang and I can't sing, OK,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38but I gave it everything I had and I sang that
0:15:38 > 0:15:40# And Toady of Toad Hall... #
0:15:40 > 0:15:43black out, and I just filled his head.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48What's worse, being forced to spend Valentine's Day
0:15:48 > 0:15:51with your partner or being alone and single?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Definitely the last bit, although I am single,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55it's obviously the forced bit, yeah.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57So, part of this dislike about Valentine's Day
0:15:57 > 0:15:59comes from not having anyone to share it with?
0:15:59 > 0:16:03No! No.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05A lot of denial going on there. How long have you been single?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- Um, probably about five years now. - What's your type?
0:16:09 > 0:16:14- I don't have a type, does anyone have a type?- Yeah.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Like when they've got the little thing in between their legs.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21APPLAUSE
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- I had a dream about him once. - Really?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Absolutely true. Basically, I'm in bed with Sean Connery
0:16:28 > 0:16:31and I'm in like a train carriage. Oh, God!
0:16:31 > 0:16:35And...we've both got no clothes on.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37He's on the floor like with his...
0:16:37 > 0:16:40he's... basically, I'm mating him, right?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43And the problem I've got is that I can't basically put what
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I want to do, I can't do it and I'm embarrassed about it
0:16:46 > 0:16:50and I'm trying and he's going, "Oh!" You know. Whatever.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Hang on a minute. Are you the Arthur or the Martha?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I'm delivering, as it were,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- and you know in dreams suddenly your dad appears?- No.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Or someone appears, where did he come from?- No.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04My dad is sitting opposite. Watching in bed, going, "No!"
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Looking embarrassed, not because he's thinking, "What are you doing,"
0:17:07 > 0:17:09because he feels bad that I'm doing it wrong
0:17:09 > 0:17:10and do you know what my dad said to me?
0:17:10 > 0:17:16"Rhys". He's Welsh. "Rhys, let Sean do the work, he'll find it."
0:17:21 > 0:17:22So you enjoyed it?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I did enjoy it, but then I thought I felt wrong, bad about it.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30He's an older man and he's married but, yeah.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34It was one of the best dreams I've had. He was very affectionate.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- That's nice.- He was very nice, he was a total gentleman.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Well, hang on a minute, he wasn't that much of a gentleman.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42He let you do it on the first date.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43As an expert in relationships,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45what's your view of Roberts's nomination?
0:17:45 > 0:17:50I think that Robert's is a classic kind of case of
0:17:50 > 0:17:54you know a relationship having gone through the process of expansion
0:17:54 > 0:17:57where you meet, you fall in love, you have kids, that's very exciting,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00you're massively into your kids and then suddenly you hit a wall
0:18:00 > 0:18:05and it's a routine of fishfingers and, you know, birthday parties.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10- I've hit a wall?- Yeah. - I have hit no such thing, madam!
0:18:10 > 0:18:15And that's the point at which infidelity or divorce becomes...
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I'm not infidelitising!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22What you have to do is you have to reintroduce
0:18:22 > 0:18:23novelty into your relationship.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28What, with a special hat? What? Leather, leather hat?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32In terms of in terms of doing what Ardal does, going climbing,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35going, getting out, doing stuff together.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Oh, for crying out loud!
0:18:36 > 0:18:41- It's true.- Climbing, I'm up at six every morning, I'm not climbing!
0:18:42 > 0:18:46It's a really close vote, one or two in it, you get everybody in
0:18:46 > 0:18:49and if there are people sick, they are brought in in ambulances.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52And the whips go down to the ambulances,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55they see the body there, they see the tubes coming out of it,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58they see the body, they go, "Oh, I'm so sorry."
0:19:02 > 0:19:04What have you done to the table? Hang on a minute.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09APPLAUSE
0:19:14 > 0:19:16There's probably a law against that as well.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18This is...this is what that...
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Don't change the subject!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23It won't be a problem, because we've got the Blue Peter team here.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Yes. That's true.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:29 > 0:19:33So, what is going to win the Lucas for Most Miserable Day Of The Year?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Will it be Ardal's wife's birthday, any given Sunday,
0:19:37 > 0:19:38or Valentine's Day?
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44THEY WHISPER
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Because no girls I've met think a bag of chips from the chippy's romantic,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50we'll go for Valentine's Day.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53OK, the winner of the Lucas for Most Miserable Day Of The Year
0:19:53 > 0:19:54is Valentine's Day.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Time for our final Lucas of the night, it's our Hidden Talent award.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Every week we find out which special skills
0:20:04 > 0:20:07our guests normally keep under wraps, your nominations, please.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Eamonn.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I can identify the films of John Wayne,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15just by the hat he wears.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Josie.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I can guess the end of any headline
0:20:19 > 0:20:23from a certain type of woman's magazine.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24And Jason.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I can sing Italian opera.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32OK, Alex I was going to offer you three attempts
0:20:32 > 0:20:34but if you say you can do it on the first attempt?
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Never miss, never miss.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39He's going to land a sweet into the bell of that there trumpet, OK.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42In one!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- It didn't go in. - First miss.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00The first ever miss? Really?
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Of about a thousand. OK, let's go again.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05ALL: Ooooh!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08No! I just missed it!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10THEY GROAN
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Do you want a wicketkeeper?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Yeah, OK, good idea.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Is that what they do?- Yeah.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21All right.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30THEY GROAN
0:21:30 > 0:21:33We've come this far, ladies and gentlemen!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Here we go.- Come on, you can do it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I've never missed. I've never missed.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Here we go.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50THEY CHEER
0:21:51 > 0:21:54All right, off we go.
0:21:54 > 0:22:00Right, that is from The Green Berets.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Correct, that's from the Green Berets.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Correct. Let's have the next one, please.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08What do we think?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11That I think...
0:22:11 > 0:22:14is True Grit, 1969.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19Yes, that's correct. True Grit. Very good.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22OK, let's bring up the next photograph, please.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27That's a cavalry hat and that is from the film Rio Lobo.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29It is from Rio Lobo. How about that?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Let's have a look at the next picture.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Right, um, he would have worn that hat. Come on, Eamonn.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41That is in... I think he wore that in a movie called The Cowboys.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44That's right. Correct. He wore it in The Cowboys.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49OK, let's have a look at the next picture, please.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51EAMONN LAUGHS
0:22:51 > 0:22:55That isn't a Duke hat, that's Batman's cowl, isn't it?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57That's his son, Bruce Wayne.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04OK, so I'm assuming you need total silence from the audience?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Yes, I expect them to treat breathing through your left eye
0:23:07 > 0:23:09with the respect it deserves.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Yes. If you're ready, Richard.
0:23:12 > 0:23:163, 2, 1.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Well done, Richard Bacon's eye, ladies and gentlemen!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Your name.- My name is Josie Long.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38We're up against the clock, you'll have to be Josie not too Long.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I just thought of that, I actually just thought of that myself.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Your specialist subject?
0:23:43 > 0:23:49Finishing the sentence of the headline of Take a Break magazines.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- Excellent. OK, your time starts now. - OK.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- Oh, is it GCSE exams?- Close,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Geography O-level, well done, I'll give you that.- Thank you.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Is it... Because sometimes they have women who are like really
0:24:10 > 0:24:14deliberately very fat who squash men, so is it something to do with
0:24:14 > 0:24:20"I hid biccies in my spare stomach." No, my stomach overhang?
0:24:20 > 0:24:22It's another part of the body.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Massive cleavage?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Oh, very good!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27That's where I'd keep them.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Is it massive cleavage?
0:24:29 > 0:24:33"I hid biccies in my giant boobs." Well done. OK.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Oh, God, that doesn't help, that doesn't help.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Mark claims to be able to instantly
0:24:41 > 0:24:42and, some might say, rather pointlessly,
0:24:42 > 0:24:46calculate how many letters there are in any given word.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Let's put this claim to the test.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Your time starts now.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Charity.
0:24:53 > 0:24:547.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Bitter.
0:24:55 > 0:24:576.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Bisexual.
0:24:58 > 0:24:598.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Threatening.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Oh, loads, um, 10.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- Incorrect.- Shut up.- It's 11.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I thought you meant "incorrect" was one of them, in which case 9.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13So, singing to stay in the competition, it's Jason.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22# Libiamo, libiamo ne'lieti
0:25:22 > 0:25:26# Calici che la belleza infiora
0:25:26 > 0:25:31# E la fuggevol ora
0:25:31 > 0:25:36# S'inebrii a volutta
0:25:36 > 0:25:39# Libiamo ne'dolci fremiti
0:25:39 > 0:25:43# Che suscita l'amore,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45# Poich... #
0:25:45 > 0:25:48JASON LAUGHS
0:25:48 > 0:25:50AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:25:52 > 0:25:58# Godiam, la tazza e il cantico
0:25:58 > 0:26:02# La notte abbella e il riso
0:26:02 > 0:26:08# In questo paradise
0:26:08 > 0:26:11# Ne sopra il nuovo d... #
0:26:11 > 0:26:14HE CONTINUES SINGING
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Jason Manford!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Well done!
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Here with her CCDFP routine, it's Ruby Wax.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47# Makka Pakka Acka Waka Mikka Makka Moo! #
0:26:50 > 0:26:52HE OINKS
0:26:52 > 0:26:56# You're a good soldier Choosing your battles
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# Pick yourself up And dust yourself off
0:26:58 > 0:27:02# Get back in the saddle You're on the front line
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# Everyone's watching You know it's serious
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# We're getting closer This isn't over
0:27:08 > 0:27:11# The pressure's on You feel it... #
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Oh! Whoa!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# But you got it all Believe it
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# When you fall get up, oh-oh If you fall get up, eh-eh
0:27:18 > 0:27:22# Tsamina mina zangalewa Cos this is Africa
0:27:22 > 0:27:26# Tsamina mina, eh-eh Waka waka, eh-eh
0:27:26 > 0:27:30# Tsamina mina zangalewa This time for Africa #
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Thank you.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37So, we've seen all the nominations for our Hidden Talent Award,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40identifying John Wayne films by the hat he wears,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44completing the headlines in women's magazines, and opera singing.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Which means it's time to ask,
0:27:45 > 0:27:49judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:27:50 > 0:27:53We were so impressed with the opera singing
0:27:53 > 0:27:56and where did that come from? My mum would have loved it!
0:27:56 > 0:28:00So, the winner of the Hidden Talent award is Jason!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02There we go, the winner of the Hidden Talent Award
0:28:02 > 0:28:03is Jason Manford!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Well, that's it for tonight and for the series.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Thanks once again to all my guests, to our wonderful judges,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13to my mum and to all of you for watching.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17We'll be back for another series next year, unless we aren't.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Good night!
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd