0:00:02 > 0:00:03TRUMPET FANFARE
0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Hello, my friends It's time, you will surmise
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# For me to give some gongs out and the same rule still applies
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# They're not for achievements that usually get the prize
0:00:12 > 0:00:16# For this show is for those we all too seldom recognise
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Let's review the wronged and the rejected
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And we'll praise the ones we have neglected
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# So take your seats, miladies and milords
0:00:27 > 0:00:33# It's the Matt Lucas Awards!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# Lucas Awards. #
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Yes, it's The Matt Lucas Awards,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41and please welcome your host, Matt Lucas.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45- Hello! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Hello, yes!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Hello! You could have got up.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52You wouldn't get up.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Hello, yes!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Hello, hello, and welcome to the show
0:00:56 > 0:00:58that gives the awards other shows don't give.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00As ever, my mum is in the kitchen.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01- Hello, lady woman.- Hi!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And providing the nominations tonight
0:01:04 > 0:01:07we have Ardal O'Hanlon, Robert Webb, and Adil Ray.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- APPLAUSE - Thank you very much for joining me.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Now this series, the winners of each award
0:01:12 > 0:01:14are decided by a panel of judges,
0:01:14 > 0:01:18who this week are all Olympic bronze medallists.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Please welcome boxer, Anthony Ogogo,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22and from the ladies hockey team,
0:01:22 > 0:01:26captain, Kate Walsh, and forward, Alex Danson.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Welcome to the show
0:01:30 > 0:01:33and congratulations on your BRONZE medals.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39So it's time for our first award.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42As a superlative actor, I can do lots of regional accents.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- HE ADOPTS ACCENT - Arite, there, mate? How ya doin'?
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Liverpool.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I know where it is but I can't really get at it at the moment.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Birmingham.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- HE ADOPTS INDIAN ACCENT - Very, very pleased to be meeting you.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Welsh.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57But which accent is the one we most struggle to understand?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Nominations, please, for the Lucas
0:01:59 > 0:02:01for Least Comprehensible UK Accent.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Ardal.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Northern Irish.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Robert.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Lincolnshire.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07And, Adil.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Sir Alex Ferguson.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14OK, so, Ardal, why have you gone for,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16as your Least Comprehensible Accent, Northern Ireland.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20I'm very familiar with these people.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23They're quite near me, and they speak very fast,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26with a very aggressive edge to it.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28And, sort of, they don't want people to understand them.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29I think they do it on purpose.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32It's, "RARARARRAR... bring those sheep in here!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34"Where's the sheep?! Bring them in here right now!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36"ARARARARAR!"
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I'd go as far as to say they don't even understand
0:02:39 > 0:02:40what they're saying themselves.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Well, we have a clip here of a man even the Northern Irish
0:02:43 > 0:02:46would probably have struggled to understand.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49HE SPEAKS IN THICK ACCENT The Strabane people doesn't get no fair play.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51The people of Strabane get no jobs now.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53They can come from far and near and get work.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55And the people are having to cross the water,
0:02:55 > 0:02:56having to go away 20 years.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59And during the war, I went away to fight with a bottle of holy water.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03And they weren't many men to go across the water that time.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05APPLAUSE
0:03:08 > 0:03:11That was actually a young Eamonn Holmes.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Well, I think I can do sort of four Irish, sort of...
0:03:14 > 0:03:18there's Northern Irish, there's... HOY-DOY-DOY-DUR-DUR-DUR-DOY!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20DUR-DUR-DOYR! There's that.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22And then there's also...
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Eee-barr-darr-dur-na-doin!
0:03:25 > 0:03:29And then...but also, if you go in the South,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31there's sort of...
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Eur-dor-doily-do-doily!
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Like, leprechaun.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38And then also, there's the Boyzone which is...
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Doy, er...with de Boyzone, with the Shane and the Keith.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Like that, those are the four that I know.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46But the I can do those two northern ones, yes.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Very well, I think.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Even the animals in Northern Ireland...
0:03:51 > 0:03:55like, seriously, a cow in Northern Ireland is, "MRRRRR!"
0:03:55 > 0:03:57What does he want, that cow?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I used to go out with a girl from Northern Ireland.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01It was the same thing. I was terrified all the time.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Because you don't know what she's saying or what she wants.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Even when she's saying, "I love you,"
0:04:06 > 0:04:08it sounds like a threat, you know. It's like...
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- HE ADOPTS ACCENT - "I love you!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13"I love you, so I do. Do you hear me?! I love you!"
0:04:13 > 0:04:16So, Robert, why have you nominated the Lincolnshire accent?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Well, I'm from Lincolnshire, I grew up in Lincolnshire,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21and it's not that it's an incomprehensible accent,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23it's that I was incomprehensible
0:04:23 > 0:04:26because, not only did I have quite a broad native accent,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29but also I had a massive speech impediment until was about 16,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32so I'd say the sound, "s," "sur",
0:04:32 > 0:04:34and "t," "tur."
0:04:34 > 0:04:36So I'd say, "Are you being thuperthilious?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39"Are you being tharcastic? Because I think that's, you know...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"By the way, would you like to have thex now?"
0:04:41 > 0:04:44So it's not Lincolnshire's incomprehensible
0:04:44 > 0:04:46it's that I was totally incomprehensible.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Well, I put it to you
0:04:47 > 0:04:49that there are some other people in Lincolnshire
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- who are quite incomprehensible. - Right.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Let's have a look at one of your fellow yellow bellies here.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57HE SPEAKS INCOMPREHENSIBLY
0:05:11 > 0:05:13LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Did you understand that?- No!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17No, but the sort of music is very familiar.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- HE ADOPTS LINCOLNSHIRE ACCENT - It's not so much an accent,
0:05:20 > 0:05:21as an attitude, Matthew.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Our Robert, he went to uni, and he made some friends,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27many of whom were homosexuals,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30and he's come back and he sounds like them. And, why not?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Adil, you've nominated Alex Ferguson.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Yes.- Now, I don't want it to go unnoticed, by the way,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40that I refuse to call Alex Ferguson SIR Alex Ferguson,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42because I'm an Arsenal fan,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44so I don't really recognise his knighthood.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47And, Adil, perhaps you'd like to join me in this flagrant disregard?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I think I probably will, actually.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50I'm a Villa fan, so I'll join you on that.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Excellent. We have a deal.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54The fact is, they don't even allow people in this country
0:05:54 > 0:05:56if you can't speak English properly anymore,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59so the fact that they've given Sir Alex Ferguson a knighthood
0:05:59 > 0:06:01and you can't understand him, That's a good point.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- He shouldn't have that, should he? - He shouldn't have it.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Let's see a bit of the incomprehensible old sod in action.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Now I've got Andy, I've got Teddy,
0:06:10 > 0:06:11I've got Scolesey wanting to play,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I've got Giggs, I've got Jordi Cruyff.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I'm very, very pleased at that situation we're in.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17What did he say at the end there?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19He said, "Radda-daa-daa-doin."
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I don't think it's that important
0:06:21 > 0:06:24that Alex Ferguson is comprehensible.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Do you know what I mean?
0:06:25 > 0:06:30His face changes from orange to red to purple, that's a sign of...
0:06:30 > 0:06:31- A colour code.- Exactly.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33It's like a threat level.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36So when it's purple, they know they have to get their finger out.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I think it's not so much the Scottish, it's that he's lazy.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40He won't open his mouth when he's talking.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41HE MUMBLES He talks like this
0:06:41 > 0:06:44and then you add in his Scottish accent
0:06:44 > 0:06:45and then there's absolutely no chance
0:06:45 > 0:06:48of understanding what I'm talking about.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50That's his problem, he's lazy.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Can you do an impression of him?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Well, I think anybody can do an impression of him.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Hang on a minute, I've got the nose here.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Her-der-der-der...whiskey!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Her-der-der-der...referee!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Wonderful, wonderful!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07APPLAUSE
0:07:07 > 0:07:09What would you say to Fergie if he was here now?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I think I'd give him a taste of his own medicine.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I'd probably speak in Punjabi so he couldn't understand me.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- That would work, wouldn't it? - Can you do a Scottish Punjabi?
0:07:17 > 0:07:22HE MUMBLES IN SCOTTISH PUNJABI ACCENT
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- APPLAUSE - Basically the same.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29OK, it's time to find out what has won the Lucas
0:07:29 > 0:07:31for Least Comprehensible UK Accent.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Is it Northern Irish, Lincolnshire, or Alex Ferguson?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Well, for the reason we couldn't understand a word,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43to be sure, it's Northern Irish.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46There we go, the winner of the Lucas
0:07:46 > 0:07:49for Least Comprehensible UK Accent is Northern Irish.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51APPLAUSE
0:07:53 > 0:07:56And, by the way, you know when you win a bronze medal,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58do you go up and collect it,
0:07:58 > 0:08:00or do they just send it to you in the post?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:05That is mean!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Just to let you know, one of them's a boxer.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Yes. Yes, she's very nice, yes.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:13 > 0:08:15So, onto our next award.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18We all have days in the calendar we look forward to, don't we?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Christmas Day, Boxing Day,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22or, if you're BNP, St George's Day.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Should be a day off work, shouldn't it?
0:08:24 > 0:08:28But which of the 365 days of the year is the one we most dread?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Nominations, please, for the Lucas
0:08:30 > 0:08:32for Most Miserable Day of the Year.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Ardal?
0:08:33 > 0:08:34My wife's birthday.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- Robert?- Any Sunday.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- And, Adil?- Valentine's Day.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46So, Ardal, why do you dread your wife's birthday?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Well, I should stress, I've nothing against her
0:08:49 > 0:08:50in any way whatsoever.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52The timing.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54It comes at a terrible time for me.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56It's very shortly after Christmas,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59and very shortly after our wedding anniversary.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01And then it comes into the middle of January,
0:09:01 > 0:09:05which also happens to be genuinely my lowest point of the year,
0:09:05 > 0:09:06so it's a really terrible time.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09So I feel the pressure is intolerable.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14Not only do I have to, like, excel once again on the present front,
0:09:14 > 0:09:15you know, my pipes are frozen...
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Is that a euphemism, sorry?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20It is, as well as being real.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24So, you know, things couldn't be worse
0:09:24 > 0:09:25at this point of the year for me.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28What's the most lacklustre present you've bought her?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- Oh, er, a trivet, probably.- A what?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- A trivet.- Is it a kind of dog?
0:09:32 > 0:09:37No, it's, er, it's something like if you have a stew, um, and...
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Sounds really fun in your house, Ardal!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Adil, are birthdays big in your family?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46It's slightly confusing in my family, as my dad's got two.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49When they came over here in the '60s, a lot of British Asians...
0:09:49 > 0:09:51birthdays weren't registered in Pakistan or India,
0:09:51 > 0:09:53they just knew their year.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55So when they came in and had to fill in the immigration slip
0:09:55 > 0:09:57at Heathrow Airport, they just quickly did it,
0:09:57 > 0:10:01cos they were worried about whether they were going to be allowed in or not,
0:10:01 > 0:10:03so they just made it up. And loads of people just put January.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06They just put the first of the first, so Dad put first of the first.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09And then later on in life, he then sort of came across
0:10:09 > 0:10:10some other document, and thought,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"Oh, I've got it wrong, I think it's in October."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- So when's your birthday?- April 26th.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18That IS it, or...oh, yes, cos you were born here.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Yeah, yeah. It's not an Asian Muslim thing.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23No, I thought it was, yeah.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24We're not all the same.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26We don't do all the same things and stuff.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29What are you suggesting?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31No, I like racial tension!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33You're watching Racial Tension on BBC One
0:10:33 > 0:10:37hosted by me, Rachel Tension.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Robert, tell me why you don't like Sundays?
0:10:41 > 0:10:42It's because I never really got over
0:10:42 > 0:10:45how much I used to hate Sundays when I was as school.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Because Saturday was so good,
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Friday night and Saturday was so good,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51because I could dress up as Zorro
0:10:51 > 0:10:53and ride around on my bike pretending it's a horse,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I could play on my ZX Spectrum or even with some actual other friends.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58And then Sunday was all right in the morning
0:10:58 > 0:11:01and then after lunch, I was in that bungalow,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03and it smells of congealing gravy,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05and all the grown-ups have had a drink
0:11:05 > 0:11:08and they're sort of getting maudlin or shouting at each other.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11And it's Bullseye and it's time for school tomorrow.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- HE MIMICS BULLSEYE THEME TUNE - Just mocking me.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17But now, of course, you are an adult and you have children.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I mean, surely Sundays are a bit more cheery now?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Yeah, and its fine, except...you know, we really love our children.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26They're great, but they're three and one,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28and I think parents of young children
0:11:28 > 0:11:30or parents of older children
0:11:30 > 0:11:33who remember having young children will remember,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35that they can be at that age,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37a colossal pain in the arse.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41And Saturday's fine but then by Sunday,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43my wife and I, we're kind of out of ideas.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45It's just very difficult to think of things to do with them.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Usually with children,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49you're running them around to different places.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Picking them up from a birthday party,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52taking them to another birthday party.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Oh, God! Other people's birthday parties
0:11:54 > 0:11:57full of other people's children that you have to be nice to.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- Yes.- I mean, it's fine. You know, I like children,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03but I prefer mine to other people's.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05And because you've got to be on your best behaviour
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- and you can't swear, you can't... - I prefer other people's children.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11..really clip them round the ear any more...sorry.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14If you if you're like me and you haven't got children...
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Well, then, of course you have to prefer other people's children!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I don't plan to have any children, so, with Robert's children...
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- You don't plan to have any children? - I've got no plans at the moment.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25You've made some very early choices, young man!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28You're not selling it very well, to be honest!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I'm not here to sell it. I'm just here to complain about it.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Sell your children! - I will not sell my children to you!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Racist! You won't sell your children to him.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Exactly! Exactly!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Sell him your children!
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Sell him your children!
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I don't know if it's responsible or not, but sell them to him!
0:12:44 > 0:12:45£1.99.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Mum, did you dread Sundays when I was little?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53No, I didn't, actually,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56cos we used to do lots of things with friends and...
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Yeah, it was nice. Sundays were nice.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Yeah, but when you were a bit older,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02and you and Howard were off my hands,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04then I spent quite a lot of time on my own.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09Sunday can be a very lonely day, actually, as it happens.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- This is very cheery, this, isn't it? - LAUGHTER
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Sometimes my wife's birthday FALLS on a Sunday.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19And do you know what, it's not just Sunday.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23I'm with Robert entirely on this. It's Mondays and Tuesdays as well.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I mean, there's far too many days in the week. Wednesday...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I just leave the house on a Sunday.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I go hiking in the mountains and I hide.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Adil, why do you find Valentine's Day so miserable?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Well, you know, Valentine's Day, it's supposed to be the occasion
0:13:37 > 0:13:39where you're supposed to do something very special.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40And what do we all do?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Everyone does exactly the same thing.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Chocolates, flowers, meal with a Groupon voucher.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47We all do it!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Everyone does the same thing.- Yeah.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52What's worse, being forced to spend Valentine's Day
0:13:52 > 0:13:55with your partner or being alone and single?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Definitely the last bit.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Although I am single, it's obviously the forced bit, yeah.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01So part of this dislike of Valentine's Day
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- comes from not having anyone to share it with?- No!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07No!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10A lot of denial going on there. How long have you been single?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Um, probably about five years now.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13What's your type?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I don't have a type. Does anyone have a type?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Yeah. Um...
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Like, when they've got the little thing in between the legs.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Well, I think your issue with Valentine's Day is that you
0:14:29 > 0:14:32aren't very experienced in matters of romance.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Luckily, help is at hand, as we have in the audience
0:14:35 > 0:14:37an expert in relationships.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42Maybe she can help Adil out. Please welcome Suzi Godson.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45APPLAUSE
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Suzi, welcome to the show, you've heard what Adil has to say,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51where, in your opinion, has he gone wrong?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I don't really think he's wrong about Valentine's Day.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58I think that if you're single you can't participate,
0:14:58 > 0:15:02and if you're in a couple you're forced to participate.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Oh, you old romantic, you(!)
0:15:03 > 0:15:06In terms of what he should do to get a girlfriend,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08he's a gorgeous guy, he could have anyone.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Yeah, but what are you doing later, then?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I'm around.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I'll be off then. LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:18As an expert in relationships,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20what's your view of Roberts's nomination?
0:15:20 > 0:15:24I think that Robert's is a classic, kind of, case of,
0:15:24 > 0:15:29you know, a relationship having gone through the process of expansion
0:15:29 > 0:15:32where you meet, you fall in love, you have kids, that's very exciting,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35you're massively into your kids, and then suddenly you hit a wall
0:15:35 > 0:15:40and it's a routine of fish fingers and, you know, birthday parties.
0:15:40 > 0:15:45I've hit a wall? I have hit no such thing, madam.
0:15:45 > 0:15:51And that's the point at which infidelity or divorce becomes...
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I'm not...infidelitising.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58But what you have to do is you have to reintroduce novelty into your relationship.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03- What with a special hat? - Leather goods.- Leather hat?
0:16:03 > 0:16:07In terms of doing what Ardal does, going climbing,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09going... Getting out, doing stuff together.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- Oh, for crying out loud.- It's true.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Climbing? I'm up at 6:00 every morning, I'm not climbing.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Make a stew.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Thank you very much for joining us, Suzi Godson.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27APPLAUSE
0:16:27 > 0:16:30So, what is going to win the Lucas for Most Miserable Day Of The Year?
0:16:30 > 0:16:35Will it be Ardal's wife's birthday, any given Sunday, or Valentine's Day?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Judges - what is your verdict and why?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40THEY WHISPER
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Because no girls I've met think a bag of chips from the chippy's
0:16:43 > 0:16:45romantic anymore, we're going for Valentine's Day.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50OK. The winner of the Lucas for Most Miserable Day Of The Year is Valentine's Day.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58I suppose... I suppose... Cos it...
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Cos, like, if you'd won silver you'd always be thinking,
0:17:01 > 0:17:06"Oh, could have got the gold," so, in a way, probably works out for the best.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Time for our final Lucas of the night, it's our Hidden Talent Award.
0:17:13 > 0:17:18Each week we find out which special skills our guests normally keep close to their chests.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Your nominations please. Adil?
0:17:21 > 0:17:26I can identify a car from the '80s just by the sound of its engine.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Robert?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I can throw a mini basketball over my shoulder and get it in a hoop.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32And Ardal?
0:17:32 > 0:17:38I can sing the Squeeze song, Up The Junction, in a Donald Duck voice.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42OK, so Adil, tell me more about your hidden talent?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Yeah, it's a bit strange. You know, um... You know when you were young
0:17:45 > 0:17:47and you were little and you had friends?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Well, I don't think I had any, really, and as I used to walk
0:17:50 > 0:17:53home from the bus, I used to play this game that as cars were
0:17:53 > 0:17:56coming up the road behind me, I'd try and guess what car it was.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Do they really sound that different? - Yeah, they do. There's a big
0:17:59 > 0:18:02difference between certain car sounds, yeah. I think.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- You hope.- I hope. Yeah.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09Well, it's time to put Adil's automobile auditory ability to the test.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13If you'd like to make your way over there, please, with me to the car over there.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- GRUFF VOICE:- Sit yourself down there.
0:18:20 > 0:18:26So, I am going to play Adil a succession of engine sounds for him to try to identify.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29If you think you know them, just honk your horn. Go on give us a honk.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- HORN HONKS Oh yeah, OK.- OK, you ready?
0:18:32 > 0:18:38- Yeah.- Cool, all right. Ignition on. OK. Here is your first car sound.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43ENGINE SOUND, GRADUALLY ACCELERATING
0:18:47 > 0:18:51- HORN HONKS - He knows it, he thinks he knows it, what is it?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Only because I think my brother used to drive one, is it a BMW?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- What type?- A 3 series.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00It is the BMW... Let's see...
0:19:00 > 0:19:04320i. Yes, correct. How about that!
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Wow. wow.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10This isn't cool to know this, is it, really?
0:19:10 > 0:19:14No, but then it's not cool to be on this show either, so.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17OK, let's pass another car and see if you can identify it.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19ENGINE SOUND, GRADUALLY ACCELERATING
0:19:25 > 0:19:27HORN HONKS
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- Oh!- That's an easy one.- What is it? - That's a Mini.- Let's have a look.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- It's a Mini! Wow.- Absolutely.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38You wonder why you had no friends. OK.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Let's pass another car and see if you can work out what it is.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45ENGINE STARTING AND GRADUALLY ACCELERATING
0:19:48 > 0:19:54HORN HONKS That's Inspector Clouseau's car, a Citroen 2CV.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Let's have a look.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57It's a 2CV! Wow.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05He doesn't have friends, but he has knowledge.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08OK, what car might we be passing now?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11ENGINE SOUND, GRADUALLY ACCELERATING
0:20:17 > 0:20:19HORN HONKS
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Only because... This sounds really weird - I can hear a double exhaust,
0:20:23 > 0:20:25so it's a performance car.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30It could be any of them. I think... Is it a Porsche?
0:20:30 > 0:20:35- What type?- I don't know. A 9 series. A 924, a 930, 928, one of those.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Let's have a look.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39It is a Porsche 924! how about that!
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- The man is a freak. OK. - LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Let's have a listen to one final car. Here we go.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54ENGINE STARTING AND GRADUALLY ACCELERATING
0:21:01 > 0:21:04HORN HONKS Only cos it's got that big diesel-y engine,
0:21:04 > 0:21:08that's again... It is it a Beetle?
0:21:08 > 0:21:12It is a Volkswagen Beetle, but which one is it? It's a famous one.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Oh, it's Herbie obviously. - Let's have a look.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19Yes, in Monte Carlo, it's Herbie! Ladies and gentlemen, Adil Ray.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Let's make our way back to the sofa.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Incredible stuff.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31That was exceptional. Well done, Adil, well done. OK, Robert.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Now, you claim to be able to throw a mini basketball
0:21:34 > 0:21:39over your shoulder and get it into a hoop. May I ask how and why?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I was in a film called Magicians, and I was playing a magician called Karl,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47and during the film he had to throw a basketball over his shoulder to get it in a hoop,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50and I wanted to do it properly and I spent a day rehearsing it,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53and when we filmed it I did it on the third go.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56However, that was six years ago, and I haven't done it since.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Well, it's time to see Robert's skills in action.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02If you'd like to make your way, please, Robert, with me,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05over there to the basketball court, over there.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- If you would like to...- Yes. - There we go.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13So, let's put you in your position, there. Excellent.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I love basketball, myself. My favourite player is, um...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Oh, I can't remember his name,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21very tall black fella.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- So, Robert you have, let's say, five attempts...- OK.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26..to get this ball into that hoop.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27- OK.- Off you go.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31BUZZER
0:22:31 > 0:22:33AUDIENCE GROANS
0:22:33 > 0:22:35OK, I think we're going to need... That was... No.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Mum, why don't you come over here, and return the balls to us,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42cos I've got a sense that we might need somebody for that job.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44It's all coming back.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47BUZZER
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Yeah. Not so great.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52We're OK, aren't we?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I like the bit where the tension starts to turn into irritation.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58And the audience start to think about the train home.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- BUZZER - Ooh! Close. Well done, Mum.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07She knows what she's doing, she's good.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13- BUZZER - Ooh! The light's gone, the light. Leave it, leave it woman!
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Leave it, it's dangerous!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17OK, have another go. No.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- BUZZER - Nearly hit my mother, there.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- BUZZER - No. Oh, close.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- BUZZER - Oh, close. Robert, they're leaving they're leaving.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30I can sense them.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Yeah! - BELL RINGS
0:23:33 > 0:23:37He's done it! Take a bow. Congratulations, sir.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Make your way back to the sofa. Thank you. Well done.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49You know, it was fine, but how many goes did you have to make?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51That was the fifth go wasn't it? The second go, third, I lost count.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- No, it was about nine goes. - I lost count in all the excitement.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- Look at me. You've let me down. - Right.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58OK, you've not just let me down,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01you've let my mum down. You've made her look stupid.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04These people let the country down, and you've let me down.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Do you understand?
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Bronze for you, sir. A bronze for you. OK.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15OK, Ardal, now your special talent is singing
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Up The Junction by Squeeze in a Donald Duck voice. Tell us about that.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Yes, well, Up The Junction, it's the only song that I know.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27- OK.- And Donald... - You don't know any other song?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I genuinely don't know any other song.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32I learnt if off by heart when I was about 14, 15. There was a song,
0:24:32 > 0:24:36it made a big impression on me, and all my friends could sing,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I could never sing, and I just decided I'd better learn a song
0:24:38 > 0:24:41because there are often occasions when you need to sing something.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45And I could also do a duck impression.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47So I thought, very stupidly, to combine the two.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Do you have any other talents you considered doing?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52I used to do keepies-uppies a lot when I was a kid,
0:24:52 > 0:24:56but I haven't done that for years, either. But it's too mundane, everyone can do that.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00OK, well it's time for Ardal to sing for his supper.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04If you'd like to go over there, please, Ardal, to the bit over there.
0:25:06 > 0:25:13Singing Up The Junction by Squeeze, please welcome ARDUCK O'Hanlon.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17MUSIC: "Up The Junction" by Squeeze
0:25:18 > 0:25:21DONALD DUCK IMPRESSION IN TIME TO SONG
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Do this at the same time. Go on.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52DONALD DUCK IMPRESSION CONTINUES
0:25:53 > 0:25:56APPLAUSE
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Ho ho! Chuck it back. Yeah.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Ho ho! Ardal O'Hanlon, ladies and gentlemen!
0:26:11 > 0:26:16- APPLAUSE - Welcome back to the sofa.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21This is ridiculous. I have children, they may have children someday.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- Yes, and they won't respect you, will they?- No.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29No, well we've seen all the nominations for our Hidden Talent Award.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32'80s engine identification, over-the-shoulder basketball throwing,
0:26:32 > 0:26:36and singing Up The Junction in a Donald Duck voice.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Well, let's be honest, the others may have been better,
0:26:45 > 0:26:49but as bronze is the new gold, I'm going to go for Robert.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53So, the winner of the Hidden Talent Award is Robert Webb.
0:27:01 > 0:27:07- Even they're racist.- Yes. - Especially the guy in the middle.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Well, that's just about it for tonight.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13All I need to do is award this week's Lucas Of Lucases,
0:27:13 > 0:27:17that goes tonight to the grumpiest guest.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Mum, who do you think has been the most grumpy guest this evening?
0:27:20 > 0:27:25I don't know. First of all can I just say, it's a bit confusing having Adil and Ardal,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27cos I'm getting really confused as to who's who.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31That's racist, as well. LAUGHTER
0:27:31 > 0:27:33What? I didn't catch that?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35One is a man, and the other's a duck. So...
0:27:35 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:41You've got me stuck for... Lost for words, just for once.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43But you're still talking.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Why don't you both share it? That would be rather nice.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- Yes, that's a good idea. - There you go.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Perhaps you'd both like to make some sort of speech?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Do I need another award in my life?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57There's no room in the awards cabinet. You can have it.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01It's just as well you gave me the award, or you'd be a racist if you hadn't.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04We would. And, very proudly, I am.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Congratulations once again, and thanks to all my guests,
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Ardal O'Hanlon, Robert Webb and Adil Ray,
0:28:09 > 0:28:14to our fantastic Olympians, Anthony Ogogo, Kate Walsh and Alex Danson.
0:28:14 > 0:28:19To my mum and to everyone at home for watching. Good night.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd