0:00:02 > 0:00:03TRUMPET FANFARE
0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Hello, my friends It's time, you will surmise
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# For me to give some gongs out And the same rule still applies
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# They're not for achievements that usually get the prize
0:00:12 > 0:00:16# For this show is for those we all too seldom recognise
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Let's review the wronged and the rejected
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And we'll praise the ones we have neglected
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# So, take your seats miladies and milords
0:00:27 > 0:00:34- # It's the Matt Lucas Awards! - Lucas Awards. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Yes, it's the Matt Lucas Awards,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40and please welcome your host, Matt Lucas.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Thank you! Hello!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Hello! Yes!
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Hello! Don't get up, don't get up, don't get up, don't get up.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Hello, hello, hello, hello.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Yes, hello and welcome to the show that gives the awards
0:00:58 > 0:01:00other shows don't give.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- As ever, my mum is in the kitchen. Hello, Mum.- Hi.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05And providing the nominations tonight, we have my special guests,
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Andy Parsons, Susan Calman and Rhys Thomas.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Now, this series, the winners of each award are decided
0:01:15 > 0:01:20by a panel of judges, who this week are Sooty, Sweep and Soo.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:27So it's time for our first award.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31A wise man once said that no man is happy without delusion.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35I was thinking that only the other day when I was having my hair done.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37But who, according to our guests,
0:01:37 > 0:01:41deserves the Lucas for most deluded group of people? Andy.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45People who still trust their banks.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Rhys.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49People who own personalised number plates.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50And Susan.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Parents.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Andy, you've nominated people who still trust banks.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Now I'm assuming you have a bank account?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00I do.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02So you include yourself in this, do you?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Well, I've had a few problems with my bank recently.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I was, in fact, I was trying to pay a tax bill,
0:02:08 > 0:02:13because some comedians do pay their taxes...
0:02:13 > 0:02:15But, yes, I was trying to pay a tax bill and there was a problem,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18phoned up the bank and there was a lady who said,
0:02:18 > 0:02:22that there were limits in place to prevent fraud, Mr Parsons.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24And so we argued for a bit. I said,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27"Well, obviously you know it's not fraud because you spent
0:02:27 > 0:02:30"the last five minutes checking I am who I say I am,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"and you obviously don't think that I'm not who I say I am
0:02:33 > 0:02:36"cos you keep calling me Mr Parsons, right?"
0:02:36 > 0:02:40"But also in the whole history of crime, has anybody tried to defraud
0:02:40 > 0:02:43"anybody else by paying their tax bill for them?"
0:02:45 > 0:02:47And she said, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"I'll get my supervisor to give you a call back."
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Five minutes later I get a call back, "Hello, is that Mr Parsons?"
0:02:53 > 0:02:54"Yes, it is Mr Parsons."
0:02:54 > 0:02:57"I just need to ask you a few security questions"
0:02:57 > 0:03:00"to check you are who you say you are."
0:03:00 > 0:03:01"Who the hell do you think I am?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"Some burglar who's just broken in on the off chance,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08"so I can pick up the phone hoping that it may be a bank
0:03:08 > 0:03:10"who's a bit loose with some security details?"
0:03:12 > 0:03:13In order to prevent all this delusion,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16what would be the alternative to having a bank account?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Well, I suppose you could always try Wonga.com, couldn't you?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Current interest rate, I believe, 4,214%.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28But I still blame the banks for the success of Wonga,
0:03:28 > 0:03:32because essentially it's cos the banks won't lend, will they?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35And why won't they lend? That's what banks are supposed to do.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37"I'm a prostitute."
0:03:37 > 0:03:38"Do you have sex?"
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"No, just breakdown cover and pet insurance."
0:03:43 > 0:03:44You have a bank account, I assume, Rhys?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Yes, and I'm in terrible, terrible debt,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49and by the time this goes out I might even be in prison.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Really?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Yes. I've tried Wonga and they said, "No!"
0:03:53 > 0:03:54That's how bad it is.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58That is embarrassing, isn't it? Being turned down by Wonga.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02So you'll have to go somewhere that charges 5,000% instead?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Have you tried selling your unwanted gold?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- I haven't got any. - Cos that's what I do.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Do you sell your unwanted gold?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Yeah, well, I watch a lot of daytime television,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12not really having any friends or a job,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16and they're always saying, "Send in your unwanted gold."
0:04:16 > 0:04:19And I've got a surprising amount lying around my house,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22just like pirate chests full of gold,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25and I just send them in envelopes and they send me a cheque for fiver.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27It's turned out to be a very profitable relationship.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- Rhys.- Yes.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Why have you gone for people with personalised number plates
0:04:32 > 0:04:34as your most deluded people?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Because of the fact that they cost a lot of money
0:04:37 > 0:04:39and they make no sense most of the time.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41For example, if I wanted a private number plate,
0:04:41 > 0:04:43and I wanted to have Rhys on it, R-H-Y-S,
0:04:43 > 0:04:48You can't get Rhys, you get like R-1-1-3-5.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Now, that doesn't spell Rhys.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52It says R-1-1... and they charge a lot of money for it.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I looked it up today on the internet, and melons,
0:04:55 > 0:04:59M-E-1-0-N-5,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- melons - £35,000.- Wow!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Why would you want melons as a private number plate?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Well, you might have a very, very nice pair,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12and I have lovely pair and that for me would be a very good choice.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Don't you think you could do something better with your money?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Yes, definitely.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Well, for £35,000, you could get a hell of a set of melons,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20couldn't you?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Rhys, do you know anyone who's got a personalised number plate?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I do, actually. Oh, God!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Go on. No-one watches this show anyway.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Well, my brother, my father-in-law and my sister-in-law
0:05:31 > 0:05:33have all got them. They're going to kill me now.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- So you've just come on here to slag off your family, basically?- Yes.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38What do their number plates say? Can you remember?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41My brother's got one called Dino. Well, it's not Dino,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44it's D-I-Z, and sort of P-2-2.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48And he bought one for his wife, "Jubag", cos she's called Julie,
0:05:48 > 0:05:49and it's J-U...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Oh, right, OK, sorry. We were all very shocked then!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Did you not see my face? "Really?"
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Her name is Julie.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Right.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04And it says "Jubag", but it's spelt J-U-6-B-Z-1.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06So that doesn't work on any level.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08That's the whole point.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Susan, your most deluded group of people is parents?
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Yes.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Please explain yourself, immediately.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Well, when I was younger, I have a sister,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19and we were both sent to dancing lessons,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21because that's what you did with girls,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24you sent them to be graceful dancers.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Now, my sister is very good at dancing.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I, however, had no talent, rhythm,
0:06:27 > 0:06:31and essentially it was like a small heffalump running around the gym.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I was horrifically bad, but my parents,
0:06:34 > 0:06:38so that I didn't get upset, used to say to me every time,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"You know what, Susan, you're a smashing wee dancer,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42"you're a smashing wee dancer."
0:06:42 > 0:06:43And I thought I could dance,
0:06:43 > 0:06:47only to later in my life realise, when I went to a discotheque,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51that I had absolutely no talent at all in the dancing area.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Do you still know any of the dance steps that you did as a child?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Well, I do know, yeah, I know some of them.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Can I ask you to demonstrate this knowledge?- Erm...
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Can I call upon you?
0:06:59 > 0:07:00OK.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Would you? No, it will help your case.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06It will prove how deluded your parents were.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07OK.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09It would help if I had some music as well, though.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Music, OK, I'm sure we can.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Can we have some music, please?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15MUSIC: "The Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy" by Tchaikovsky
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Genuinely going to do this, so first position.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25But I can never do my arms right, I look like a crab.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Disco, I did disco as well, though.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29You did some disco?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31DISCO MUSIC PLAYS
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Oh, there you go. They're ready for you.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Five-star!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Very nice.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Very nice, Susan Calman!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47APPLAUSE
0:07:47 > 0:07:49There you go.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52And that really strengthened your argument, I think.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Rhys, you have children. Would you say you're a deluded parent?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57No, I'm quite realistic about things,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59and I will tell them if their things are rubbish.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02So if they come back with a drawing, I say, "What is that?"
0:08:03 > 0:08:05It is important you let them know at an early age
0:08:05 > 0:08:07that not everything they do is perfect.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10It's good that you don't just slag off the older members of your family.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12The younger ones get it as well.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Yeah.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Even-handed.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Mum, were you a deluded parent about me?
0:08:17 > 0:08:18I think so, yes.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Oh, thanks(!)
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I knew you were very good at maths. I thought you could act,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I thought you could sing, I thought you could perform,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26and I thought you were good at comedy.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Thanks very much.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30APPLAUSE
0:08:30 > 0:08:32She's still waiting for me to settle down
0:08:32 > 0:08:35with the right woman, to be honest.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38OK. Will the Lucas for the most deluded group of people
0:08:38 > 0:08:40go to people who trust their banks,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43people with personalised number plates or parents?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Er, yes, Sooty.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53We feel the most deluded group of people, without a doubt,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55are parents!
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Thank you very much.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Hurray!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00OK. So the winner of the Lucas for
0:09:00 > 0:09:02most deluded group of people is parents.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07On to our next award.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Now, we've all played that game, haven't we?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13You've got a gun to your head and you have to do it
0:09:13 > 0:09:16with someone you normally wouldn't get it on with.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18For me, it would be Cheryl Cole. Ugh!
0:09:19 > 0:09:20But what about our guests?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Who would they go for if they had to play for the other team?
0:09:24 > 0:09:25It's time to hear the nominations
0:09:25 > 0:09:29for the Lucas for most fanciable person of the same gender,
0:09:29 > 0:09:32(unless you are a gay, in which case the opposite gender).
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Rhys?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Sean Connery.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Susan.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Daniel Craig.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40And Andy.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Brad Pitt.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43OK, so, Rhys, you've not gone for a man your own age,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45you've gone for a silver fox, haven't you?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Always. You know, you want someone to take care of you,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50someone to look after you a bit, someone a bit rugged,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53and I'd like it. I kind of like him. Not James Bond.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54No?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I want him round The Rock time, you know, getting on a bit.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Right, OK.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59I had a dream about him once.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Really?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Absolutely true. Basically, I'm in bed with Sean Connery,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05and I'm in like a train carriage.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Oh, God!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10And... He's... We've both got no clothes on.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14He's on the floor with his, he's... Basically, I'm mating him, right?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19And the problem I've got is that I can't basically put...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21what I want to do, I can't do it, and I'm embarrassed about it.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I'm trying and he's going "Oh!", you know, whatever.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Hang on a minute. Are you the Arthur or the Martha?
0:10:27 > 0:10:28I'm delivering, as it were.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Right.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- You know in dreams, you know, your dad appears.- No.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- Or someone appears, where did he come from?- No.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38My dad is sitting opposite, watching, in bed, going, "No!"
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Looking embarrassed, not because he's thinking, "What are you doing?"
0:10:41 > 0:10:44because he feels bad that I'm doing it wrong
0:10:44 > 0:10:46and do you know what my dad said to me in this dream?
0:10:46 > 0:10:51"Rhys", he's Welsh, "Rhys, let Sean do the work, he'll find it."
0:10:51 > 0:10:54APPLAUSE
0:10:56 > 0:10:58So you enjoyed it?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I did enjoy it, but then I felt wrong, bad about it
0:11:00 > 0:11:03cos he was an older man and he's married, but...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Yeah, it was one of the best dreams I've ever had.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09He was very affectionate, I must say.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10That's nice.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12He was very nice, he was a total gentleman.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Well, hang on. He wasn't that much of a gentleman.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17He let you do it on the first date.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Have either of you two had a sort of naughty dream about a celebrity?
0:11:20 > 0:11:25Not about Sean Connery, certainly. He's 82 years old.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27The only reason he'll keep you up all night now
0:11:27 > 0:11:29is going to the loo every hour.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36Susan, you're a lady gay, so you've gone for a man.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39But why the particular man, Daniel Craig?
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Well, he's all manly, and it's the same qualities I look for
0:11:43 > 0:11:48in a woman, which is someone who can fix a shelf for me
0:11:48 > 0:11:52or, you know, if there's a brawl in a pub, he'll stand up for me.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57So he can make a sledge and still cuddle me gently, like Sean.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Because I think Daniel could read me poetry when I'm in the bath,
0:12:01 > 0:12:05but then smash something if I said, "Daniel, smash that for me!"
0:12:05 > 0:12:09He'd go, "Oh, all right", and he would just smash it,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12and then we would make beautiful love together.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Ah, but you're 4' 11", he's a fair bit taller.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Do you think that would be a problem?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19No, I'd just climb up him like a squirrel.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Because I'm quite short, I've always been,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24everyone I've been out with has been taller,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27cos it's very difficult to find people my height, apart from...
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Those three over there.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Yes.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38APPLAUSE
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Do you think your parents would approve if you came home
0:12:41 > 0:12:43and said, "This is my new fella, Daniel Craig"?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47If I came home with a fella, I think my mother would have a parade.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Right, OK.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51It wouldn't matter if it was Daniel Craig or not.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54It could be a guy I met in the chip shop, to be honest.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58So Andy and Brad sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I think you'd make a very nice couple.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Instead of Branjelina, you'd be Brandy, wouldn't you?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Is this a long-held fantasy of yours?
0:13:06 > 0:13:07- No.- No?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09No. Pretty much came up with it for this show.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Right, OK.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12And why?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Well, you know, on the grounds that he is obviously supposedly
0:13:17 > 0:13:18one of the world's best-looking men,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22and there must always be a chance, if you did kick around with him,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24of getting a threesome with Angelina.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28That was sort of the reasoning behind it.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30That's a very good reason, yeah.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32But there was a rumour that he's just had a facelift.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I mean, why on earth would he need a facelift?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Cos when people discuss men, don't they,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40they often go, "Well, he's no Brad Pitt".
0:13:40 > 0:13:45The one person who would never have to suffer that is Brad Pitt.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Well, now Brad Pitt is no Brad Pitt.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Well, that's it. He's obviously looked in the mirror, gone,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52"I'm no me. I need some work doing."
0:13:52 > 0:13:53So what would you do with Brad?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Would you go out on a date? Are you a romantic?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Would you go for a date, or..?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Well, I think I'd take him to a train carriage,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I'd get me dad in a bed nearby...
0:14:00 > 0:14:02LAUGHTER
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Yeah.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07OK. So who is going to win most fanciable person of the same gender
0:14:07 > 0:14:10(unless you are a gay, in which case the opposite gender)?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Is it Sean Connery, Daniel Craig or Brad Pitt?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20We've all gone for Daniel Craig, actually, Matt.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Not only because he's fanciable,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25but he looks like he could give Sweep a good thumping.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31CRASH
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Thank you, can I have a bit of decorum, please?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Behave yourself. Thank you very much, Soo.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40So the winner of the Lucas for most fanciable person of the same gender
0:14:40 > 0:14:42(unless you are a gay, in which case the opposite gender)
0:14:42 > 0:14:43is Daniel Craig!
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Time for our final Lucas of the night. It's our hidden talent award.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Each week, we find out which special skills
0:14:55 > 0:14:57our guests normally keep secret.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Your nominations, please. Susan.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I can name any Smurf.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Andy.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Entertaining a small child with the Makka Pakka Haka.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13And Rhys.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I can identify any Queen song instantly
0:15:15 > 0:15:18just by hearing a fraction of it.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22OK. So, Susan, how did you come to acquire this knowledge
0:15:22 > 0:15:23about the Smurfs?
0:15:23 > 0:15:28Well, when I was younger, I used to get 95p pocket money a week
0:15:28 > 0:15:33and my local shop sold Smurfs and they were 95p each.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36And so I used to go every week and I'd buy a different Smurf,
0:15:36 > 0:15:40until I had over I had about 100 Smurfs at one point.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44OK, well, it's time to put specifically your Smurf knowledge
0:15:44 > 0:15:47to the test. If you'd like to Smurf your way over there with me
0:15:47 > 0:15:48to the bit over there.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52APPLAUSE
0:15:58 > 0:16:00There we go. Now we are going to find out
0:16:00 > 0:16:03how many of the original Smurfs Susan can identify.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Yeah?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13You all right?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16We're going to find out how many of the Smurfs Susan can identify,
0:16:16 > 0:16:20but to make it a little bit harder we have disguised them a little.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Your time begins now.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27OK, that one is... er, is that Brainy Smurf?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Let's have a look. It is Brainy Smurf!
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Congratulations!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36OK, let's Smurf up the next Smurf, please.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38That's Smurfette, yeah.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41It is Smurfette, congratulations.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43OK, this one's a little bit more difficult.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47OK, erm, oh, no, is that Grumpy Smurf?
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Oh, I might have that wrong.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Grumpy Smurf?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53It is not Grumpy Smurf.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Who is it, then?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56It's Grouchy Smurf.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Oh!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59You confused a Smurf with a dwarf!
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Oh, no!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Let's have a look at the next Smurf.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09God. Oh! Oh, it's like it's like Handy Smurf,
0:17:09 > 0:17:10it's like Workman Smurf
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I can't remember his name I can't remember his name!
0:17:13 > 0:17:14I can't remember his name.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Er...
0:17:19 > 0:17:21What is your final answer?
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Workman Smurf. It's not right, though. It's not right.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Let's have a look. It's Handy Smurf!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32OK, let's have a look at the next one, please.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Oh, that's really difficult.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Oh, Harmony Smurf, Harmony Smurf, Harmony Smurf!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Let's have a look. It is Harmony Smurf.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Well done.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44OK, we have another Smurf.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48That's, erm, it's the Gift Smurf, it's the Smurf with the gift.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52It's, erm, Birthday Smurf. I'll just say Birthday Smurf.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55But it isn't Birthday Smurf, so who is it? Don't waste your guess.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Giving Smurf. Rhys knows about that! Giving Smurf.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Let's have a look who it is. It's Jokey Smurf.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Jokey Smurf because it's a box of jokes!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Oh!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10GONG
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Time's up.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13No more Smurfing now!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Ladies and gentlemen, Susan Smurfman.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21If you would like to Smurf your way back to the Smurf over there.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29You know, that was kind of pathetic.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I brought you on the show to kind of see your abilities,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34and your knowledge about Smurfs. That was pathetic.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35You got about half right.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37AUDIENCE: Awww!
0:18:37 > 0:18:38I had to tell my mum who you were.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40She didn't know who you were, and I'm like,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43"No, she's really good, I've seen her on all these shows."
0:18:43 > 0:18:45You've come on here, you know nothing about the Smurfs.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Absolutely nothing. How do you think that makes me look?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51He's right, I let everyone down. I'm really sorry about that.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55And if I get the chance to come back, I'll really, really work hard.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Susan, look at me. That was bad television.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01So, Andy, the Smurfs...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03LAUGHTER
0:19:03 > 0:19:05..are presumably are a bit too mature for you,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07because your talent revolves around a pre-school TV show.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Please tell us more.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Yes. My young son is a massive fan of In The Night Garden,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16and loves the character Makka Pakka.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Makka Pakka is a sort of character who has got various ring doughnuts
0:19:20 > 0:19:23on his head, sings a song, does a dance,
0:19:23 > 0:19:28which starts off "Makka Pakka Haka wakka micka makka moo".
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Tell us about your talent, then.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36Well, the dance that Makka Pakka does is very similar, in many ways,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39to the dance that the All Black Rugby Team do
0:19:40 > 0:19:42before rugby internationals known as the Haka.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Right.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46So I thought what my lad would absolutely love would be
0:19:46 > 0:19:50when New Zealand are playing England, for New Zealand to do the Haka,
0:19:50 > 0:19:54and the England Team to respond with the Makka Pakka Haka.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Bound to have a fight before the game, I think.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59OK, well, to stand a chance of this happening
0:19:59 > 0:20:02we do need to see the Makka Pakka Haka in action.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Andy, if you'd like to make your way over there to the bit over there.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07APPLAUSE
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever on British television,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Andy Parsons presents the Makka Pakka Haka.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21APPLAUSE
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Mmm...
0:20:24 > 0:20:28# Makka Pakka Haka Wakka Micka Makka Moo
0:20:28 > 0:20:33# Makka Pakka Appa Yakka Icka Akka Ooo
0:20:33 > 0:20:38# Hum Dum Agga Pang In Gang Ooo
0:20:38 > 0:20:42# Makka Pakka Haka Wakka Micka Makka Moo! #
0:20:42 > 0:20:44APPLAUSE
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Thank you, Andy. How old is your son?
0:20:55 > 0:20:5715.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02And finally, Rhys, viewers of Celebrity Mastermind
0:21:02 > 0:21:04will have seen you winning dressed as Freddie Mercury.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Yes.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07When did you first get into Queen?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08- When I was 12.- Right.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I went to a Freddie Mercury tribute concert,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14and I just came away obsessed, and from that day onwards for, like,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17well, to this day, I've listened to nothing else other than Queen.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Do you do anything heterosexual?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22No.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25OK. Well, it's time, Rhys, to put you under pressure.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Do you see what I did there? Do you see what I did there?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30If you would like to join me over there, in the bit over there.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33APPLAUSE
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Well, Rhys says he can instantly identify any Queen song,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45so let's see if this is really true.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49First up, here's a short extract from a Queen song.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Which song is it?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52# Here. #
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Princes Of The Universe.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Well done. Let's hear that.
0:21:55 > 0:22:00# The princes of the universe. #
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Now have a listen to this song.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I'm going to warn you, it has been sped up a bit.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07SPED-UP MUSIC
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Oh, easy, easy.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Hammer To Fall.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Let's hear.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15# We're just waiting For the hammer to fall. #
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Come on!
0:22:17 > 0:22:18I can feel him.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19You can feel him?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I can feel him inside me. Well, you know...
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Oh, dear, this is getting to be a theme, isn't it?
0:22:27 > 0:22:32Men with moustaches. OK, this one is backwards, here we go.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35SONG PLAYS BACKWARDS
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Easy. That's Fat Bottomed Girls.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Let's listen.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41# Fat bottomed girls... #
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Well done!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50OK, we're now going to play you two at once. Here we go.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54TWO SONGS PLAY AT ONCE
0:23:00 > 0:23:01OK, yeah.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I think one of them is Keep Yourself Alive
0:23:03 > 0:23:06and the other one is The Miracle.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Is correct. Well done!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:16OK, you can do two at once, but can you do three at once?
0:23:18 > 0:23:23THREE SONGS PLAY AT ONCE
0:23:36 > 0:23:42Oh, OK, yeah. I think it's A Kind of Magic, One Vision and Dreamers Ball.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Is the right answer, well done!
0:23:44 > 0:23:47APPLAUSE
0:23:50 > 0:23:56OK, I didn't think we'd get to this, but four songs at once.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Here we go.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04FOUR SONGS PLAY AT ONCE
0:24:08 > 0:24:10OK, yes!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Wait. So tell me all four titles?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16All four titles. Save Me, Crazy Little Thing Called Love,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Flash and I'm In Love With My Car.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20He can't be beaten! Rhys Thomas, ladies and gentlemen!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Well done. Make your way back to the sofa.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Well done.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32I have to tell you,
0:24:32 > 0:24:36we really didn't think that you would be able to do that,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- so we didn't prepare any more questions.- Oh.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- You can't be beaten. - Thank you very much.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Congratulations, the King of Queen, how about that?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44APPLAUSE
0:24:46 > 0:24:48OK, well, before we hear our verdict, I was wondering
0:24:48 > 0:24:51if any of our judges have a hidden talent?
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Erm, yes, well, actually, Matt, Sweep occasionally does
0:24:55 > 0:24:58an excruciating impression of Pavarotti.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00SWEEP SQUEAKS
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- Really?- It's horrible.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Would you be willing to do that, Sweep?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Try and stop him.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08OK, so, with his impression of Pavarotti,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11please give it up for Sweep!
0:25:11 > 0:25:13APPLAUSE
0:25:16 > 0:25:19SWEEP SQUEAKS "Nessun Dorma" by Puccini
0:25:40 > 0:25:43APPLAUSE
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Thank you, Sweep!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55So we've seen all the nominations for our hidden talent award,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57the knowledge of the Smurfs, the Makka Pakka Haka
0:25:57 > 0:26:01and instantly identifying Queen songs, but which one will win?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07On behalf of the judges, Sooty, Sweep and me
0:26:07 > 0:26:10the hidden talent award goes to...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13You tell him, Sooty, go on.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I can't, sorry, mate. I can't hear you.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23No, I can't.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Come over here, come over here.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Oh, yeah.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Really?
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Mmm, controversial.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34So the winner of the hidden talent award is, of course,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Rhys Thomas, the King of Queen!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39APPLAUSE
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Well, that's just about it for tonight.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48All we need to do is... yeah, you can go off now.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51All we need to do is award this weeks Lucas...
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Sooty!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56SWEEP SQUEAKS
0:26:56 > 0:26:58It's not funny! That's not funny.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02No, that was not funny.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04SWEEP SQUEAKS
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Good one, Sooty!
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Anyway, as I was saying, all we need to do is to award
0:27:16 > 0:27:18this week's Lucas of Lucases.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21That, tonight, goes to our most childish guest.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I think I know who the most childish judge might be.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28But, Mum, who do you think has been our most childish guest?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Oh, dear, I don't think they're going to be too happy with me,
0:27:31 > 0:27:33but sadly I think it's going to be Susan.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35I'm sorry.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38So the Lucas for the most childish guest goes to Susan Calman,
0:27:38 > 0:27:39there you go.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Is there anything you'd like to say?
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I just want to reassure you, Matt, that if I'm ever allowed back,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52I'm going to try a lot harder next time, I tell you.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Next time I'll be even better.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59OK, well, listen, you go home, and you have a think,
0:27:59 > 0:28:01and you come back with
0:28:01 > 0:28:03a bit of a better attitude next time, all right?
0:28:03 > 0:28:04I'm sorry.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Well, congratulations once again to Susan Calman.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Thanks to all of my guests, of course.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Andy Parsons, Susan Calman and Rhys Thomas, to Sooty, Sweep and Soo,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16to my mum and everyone at home for watching. Good night.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd