0:00:02 > 0:00:05# Hello, my friends It's time, you will surmise
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# For me to give some gongs out, and the same rule still applies
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# They're not for achievements that usually get the prize
0:00:12 > 0:00:16# This show is for those we all too seldom recognise
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# Let's review the wronged and the rejected
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And we'll praise the ones we have neglected
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# So take your seats, miladies and milords
0:00:27 > 0:00:33# It's the Matt Lucas Awards!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# Lucas Awards! #
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Yes, it's the Matt Lucas Awards.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40And please welcome your host, Matt Lucas.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Hello, thank you, thank you very much.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Lovely, hello. Hello there.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Hello there.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Hello and welcome to the show
0:00:55 > 0:00:57that gives the awards other shows don't give.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00As ever, my mum is in the kitchen. Hello, Mum.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- Hi.- And providing the nominations tonight
0:01:02 > 0:01:05we have Dave Gorman, Ruby Wax and Alex Horne.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Now this series, the winners of each award are going to be decided
0:01:14 > 0:01:18by a panel of judges who this week are four original EastEnders.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23Please welcome John Altman, Leonard Fenton, Nej Adamson and Peter Dean,
0:01:23 > 0:01:27also known as Nick Cotton, Dr Legg, Ali Osmond and Pete Beale.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Time for our first Lucas Award of the evening.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Now, there's no doubting that there have been
0:01:36 > 0:01:38some truly great Americans.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42President Obama, Arnold Palmer, Michael Jackson's llama.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45But who are the Yanks that have really let the side down?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Your nominations, please, for the Lucas for the American
0:01:48 > 0:01:51most likely to make us glad we lost the USA to begin with.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- Alex?- Tom Cruise.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Dave?- Kevin Trudeau.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- And Ruby?- My Uncle Jimmy.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01So, Alexander, why have you nominated Tom Cruise?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Matthew, it was, um...
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- It's not actually Tom Cruise.- Right.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I really like the guy, I think he's a cool...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10He seems like a dude.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Scientology seemed fun, didn't it?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16And I like all his little acting, his pretending, that's fine.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20It's more his face, I don't like Thomas Cruise's face.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I remember when I was about eight or nine, I was very confident about my face.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27I remember I saw it in reflections in puddles cos we didn't have mirrors,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29so I was very confident.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I thought I was fine, I thought it was a good face.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Then I watched Top Gun in 1986,
0:02:35 > 0:02:37and my life was kind of ruined,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40cos I saw his face and it was just a much better face.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42His face was everything my face isn't.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46So Tom Cruise has made you feel, kind of, aesthetically inadequate?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Yeah. It's mainly his smile.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Like, he's got his mouth full of these teeth,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54hundreds of teeth all lined up in perfect order,
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- and mine, I can't really smile. - Go on, have a go.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59When people say "smile", I sort of...
0:03:00 > 0:03:04And it's because of Cruise, I think he sets the bar too high.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08In England we've got the guys, more realistic faces, know what I mean?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10It's just a better standard of face.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Have you ever considered plastic surgery?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16I think if I was going to do anything like that, it's more hair removal, I've got a lot of hair.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I don't want to rub it in your in your face. I could.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I'd rather you didn't.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I mean, I'm just covered in the stuff, like at the back.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Yeah, it's... Oh, yeah, it's not good.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31At the hairdresser's they literally don't know where to stop. I end up topless.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- That's a merkin on your back. - Thank you.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Do you have a problem with John Barrowman?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Cos I always think he looks like a full-size Tom Cruise.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45What would you say if you met Tom Cruise, what would you say to him?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- Big if, isn't it?- Yeah.- I think I'd sort of say, "How are you hanging?"
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Right, that's what the Americans say.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53And then I'd say, "See you later", and then I'd sort of toddle off.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I'd lie down prostrate before him. But facing up.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Have you ever interviewed Tom Cruise?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01No, no there's some people I would just...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Every egg would leave my body.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09So, Dave, you've nominated Kevin Trudeau. Who is Kevin Trudeau?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- He is the, sort of, king of the infomercial.- Right.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16So late at night he does these talk shows...
0:04:16 > 0:04:19They look like talk shows but they're not,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22because he has paid the person who is interviewing him to interview him.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27So it looks like it's going to be like a political interview show, but he's just selling his books.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Well, we have some footage here
0:04:29 > 0:04:32from one of the Kevin Trudeau infomercials. Let's take a look.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Then there is also what's called lost money. There's money...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Have you ever owned a bank account? Yes.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Have you ever had a job, got a paycheck? Yes.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Have you ever bought insurance, car insurance, life insurance,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47medical insurance? Yes. Have you ever bought any products from any stores?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50If you said yes to any of those questions, there is a chance
0:04:50 > 0:04:53that there is some money out there that you're entitled to.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54It's called lost money.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56It's just any question to say yes.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Have you ever bought anything from a shop?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Yes. Have you ever seen a thing? Yes.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Who do we think the woman is in that clip?- She's in a coma.- Right, OK.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10But they've pried her eyes open,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13and somebody's got their hand up her and is just moving her eyebrows.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I suspect she'll be an actress,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17but she's also sort of acting as if she's some kind of...
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- She's interested. - Interested heavyweight interviewer.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22What that one should say is this -
0:05:22 > 0:05:26"There's this thing called lost money. Have you ever owned a sofa?"
0:05:28 > 0:05:31There's some money out there for you!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I've got some of his books here.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36There we go. The Weight Loss Cure.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39The Natural Cures. Free Money.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42It's always something "they don't want you to know about", isn't it?
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Yes, he's obsessed with the things "they" don't want you to know about.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50The first one is "Natural Cures They Don't Want You To Know About."
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Oh, I'd love to know.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56And the theory backing this up is that the health industry,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59the medical industry, the pharmaceutical industry
0:05:59 > 0:06:01do not want you to get better,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04because if you get better you'll no longer be a customer for them,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06so they want to keep you ill.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09They have got the cure for cancer, and they have got the cure for AIDS,
0:06:09 > 0:06:11and they have got the cure for all these things,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14and you can buy his book to find out what they are.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Then you buy the book and you discover that to find the cure,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19you've got to actually go to his website,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22where you then have to pay for the information,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24and it never... It just unravels.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- A wild goose chase? - Yeah.- That's called capitalism.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30You've made a very, very good argument there.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Ruby, we gave you the option to abstain on this award
0:06:33 > 0:06:35because of your nationality,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38but you have very keenly nominated your Uncle Jimmy.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Jimmy Hamburger.- Jimmy Hamburger? - Jimmy Hamburger, yeah.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45He sounds like someone making up an American character. He doesn't sound real.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48All of my relationships are Hamburgers.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Um, there's Laura Hamburger and Judy Hamburger, all these,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54which is ironic because my dad sells hotdogs.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57So is that spooky?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59So tell us about Uncle Jimmy.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Jimmy, when he was 65, he always...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I don't know what's wrong with Jimmy,
0:07:04 > 0:07:08but he lived with his mother, Laura Hamburger, in a bedroom together.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13- This is your uncle?- Uncle, and he'd wheel her around, he'd go
0:07:13 > 0:07:17"Hey, Ruby, you like baseball?" You know, with his cap on the other way.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21And him and Laura Hamburger, all they do is go to those eateries,
0:07:21 > 0:07:245.99 all you can cram in your mouth.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29You know, with a... That buffet is like a runway for a 747
0:07:29 > 0:07:32with the Eiffel Tower of cheesecake.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36But Laura ate so much that one day she went out with Jimmy,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39and she stood up and crushed her own ankles.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42So anyway when she died,
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Jimmy got all her money, Laura's money,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49and showed up at her funeral with the other three brothers,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53got the will signed in his and brought Laura Hamburger's...
0:07:53 > 0:07:55SHE LAUGHS
0:07:55 > 0:07:57This is my family, I'm so proud.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I think, I think your Uncle Jimmy read
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Free Money They Don't Want You To Know About.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07But he brought Laura's ashes in a Folgers Coffee Tin.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11- In a coffee tin? - In a coffee tin, like he didn't even want to put out for the urn.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14So he just shook her a little bit and then took off with the money.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17You know, you always thought he'd be really good to Laura.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18She ends up in a coffee tin.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20What did the rest of the family think about this?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23They hated him anyway, but we didn't like Laura much, either.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26And my mother really hated Laura Hamburger,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29because on the way to Laura Hamburger's husband's funeral,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31she said, "I like your fake fur."
0:08:31 > 0:08:34My mother said, "This is real fur", and Laura went, "Nah, it's fake."
0:08:34 > 0:08:37They fought so hard that they fell out of the car,
0:08:37 > 0:08:41almost into the grave, and we called it the fur wars for ten years.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45My mother would go, "Laura Hamburger is dead for me, dead."
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Jimmy was not Tom Cruise, let's just put it that way.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Tom Cruise always looks like he's smelling himself.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- You know, that look they have. - And he likes it.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Jimmy never smelled himself, cos it would have been an atrocity.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- We have very different families. - Do we?- Yeah.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Mine are the Beefburgers. So it's different.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Terry Beefburger's mine. - No.- Genuinely.- Get out.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11No, it's Terry Gould. He's a lawyer in Norwich, really nice.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15So it's time to find out what will win the Lucas
0:09:15 > 0:09:18for American most likely to make us glad we lost the USA to begin with.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Will it be Tom Cruise, Kevin Trudeau or Ruby's Uncle Jimmy?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- Kevin Trudeau.- Kevin Trudeau!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30APPLAUSE
0:09:32 > 0:09:35How could a doctor not be offended by the man who wrote this?
0:09:35 > 0:09:41- Tom Cruise has pleased a few women, that's fine, he's OK.- And a few men.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45- Really? Oh yeah. Well, I don't know about that.- We don't know about that.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49No, I mean in the cinema, he's pleased audiences of men and women.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52You libel the Hollywood stars in your show, pal.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- That's all I meant.- Don't do it on my show, I can't afford it.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59OK, so the winner of the Lucas for American most likely to make us
0:09:59 > 0:10:02glad we lost the USA to begin with is Kevin Trudeau.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:07 > 0:10:09So, time for another award,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12and this one is about something a little more personal to the guests.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I want to hear their nominations for the Lucas
0:10:15 > 0:10:18for most miserable showbiz experience. Dave?
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- A performance at the Hippo nightclub, Nottingham.- Ruby?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Interviewing Madonna.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- And Alex?- Tony Hadley's arse.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31OK. So, er...
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Dave, what was so miserable?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I'm not sure I should even bother,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37given that I know what I'm up against.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42I was 19, I'd been doing stand-up for probably two or three months.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46I had a phone call from an agent who said,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49"Do you need the money? Because you are going to die."
0:10:49 > 0:10:53And I did need the money cos I was 19 and I'd only just started
0:10:53 > 0:10:54doing stand-up, so I said yes.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58What happened is the crowd, which was probably about 150 people,
0:10:58 > 0:11:02but it was in a very small room, it was rammed to the rafters.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06They all started chanting two words.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- Um, the second of those words was "off".- OK.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14And the first of those words began with an F.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- OK.- And ended with an "uck", and...
0:11:19 > 0:11:23..at the age of 19, having very little experience in this game,
0:11:23 > 0:11:29I walked on stage to 150 people chanting "u off, u off, u off!"
0:11:29 > 0:11:32You should start chanting just to get a flow.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- No, you shouldn't. - What was the word, though, the F?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Dr Legg's over there, no, please.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42The weird thing is this wasn't a reaction to what I did,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45it wasn't like, "Oh, well, at the age of 19 he hadn't learned
0:11:45 > 0:11:47"to walk on stage funnily enough yet."
0:11:47 > 0:11:49This has been decided before you've...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51It's a ritualistic sacrifice.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Right, so you were the Wicker Man at the Hippo?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Alex you've done a lot of stand-up, have you had any terrible experiences?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Can you match that? - I've had 80.- 80?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Bad experiences, yes.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08I never did stand-up, but I was in Toad of Toad Hall.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09I like to name drop.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14And there was a kid in the audience who took a hate to me from the moment I came on.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19And he would just scream those words, "F off" - a small child.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22And I changed costumes throughout the show.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I came on as a rabbit at one point, then I was a pig.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29The kid recognised me, and he'd scream "F off" every time I appeared.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31So then at the very end we sang,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34and I can't sing, OK, but I gave it everything I had,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37and I sang that "And Toady of Toad Hall..."
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Blackout, and I just felt his hand.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Ruby, tell us about your terribly miserable showbiz experience.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Ah, I thought I was doing all right showbiz-wise,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52and then they said would I interview Madonna? Well, who can say no?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54So I thought, well, great, we're going to bond.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58She hated me on sight. We were setting up the cameras,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01and she went, "No, I don't want that camera. I want that camera."
0:13:01 > 0:13:05She picked the wrong camera, so my camera had Vaseline all over it,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I looked beautiful, I looked ten.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10She looked like the surface of the moon.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- She thought she knew which camera was the better one.- Right.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17So that wasn't good, and then cos I got so nervous I asked really...
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- STUTTERING:- "If you were a fire hydrant,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21"and I was a cuticle,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24"would we ever have Valentine's Day?"
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Like dumb questions.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27And eventually she got up and left.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30But you know, again, I needed to finish this show,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32and there needed to be some comedy, and she'd left her handbag.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35So I rifled through it and found some of her underpants,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37and put it on my head and started doing comedy,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40and she walked in the room and saw it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42APPLAUSE
0:13:42 > 0:13:45She saw me with the underpants over my head.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- And she's never called me.- She's never called you?- Never called, no.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52What sort of underpants did she wear?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54You know, like a piece of dental floss with some cotton,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56you know, some frills.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Alex, your most miserable showbiz experience
0:13:59 > 0:14:02involves Tony Hadley's arse. Can you fill us in on this, please?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Yes, it was fairly harrowing.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Don't fill in Tony Hadley's arse, obviously.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- Quite relevant, actually. - Tell us the story.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I used to be a runner on a TV programme,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13which meant you used to do little jobs round the place,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15and I was working on a programme called Make My Day.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19And it was a hidden camera show where you try to give someone their perfect day.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22But they don't realise they're being filmed, it's all set up.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24And we're filming in Leeds in a guitar shop,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27and a bloke, we were trying to make his perfect day happen,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29so the prize for the competition was a statue
0:14:29 > 0:14:33featuring a life-size model of Tony Hadley's arse.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Why? Why?- I don't know why. I should have asked why.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38My job that day was to get the statue.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42It's very hard to find a statue of Tony Hadley's arse in Leeds.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45So I had to make this statue out of whatever I could find.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49So I found some modelling clay, and we're similar stature men.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52So I used my arse as sort of mould,
0:14:52 > 0:14:56and I made a pretty good... I was pretty pleased with it.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Did you put the clay on your ass and then step out of it?
0:14:59 > 0:15:03I read the instructions. You have to bake the clay to become a proper thing,
0:15:03 > 0:15:08so I had to persuade the chef in the hotel to put this statue of an arse in his oven.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Right.- Before painting it gold. And then I got a call.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13The producer said could I drive to the station and pick up
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Bez from the Happy Mondays, which was a big moment for me.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20So I had Bez in the car and I had to get back to the hotel quickly.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Well, Bez insisted on stopping to get some provisions.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26We had to get some paint and cat food...
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- You know, normal Bez stuff.- Yeah.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33And then I kind of remembered about the arse that was in the oven.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36And we got there and everyone had been evacuated,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38there was smoke billowing out of the hotel.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Did you have to explain to the fire brigade what the cause of the fire was?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Yeah, me and the chef. The chef in full chef's garb,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47holding this, sort of, charred arse.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- Charred arse is a good phrase. - That's a good title for a film, too.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54That sounds like something on a Heston Blumenthal menu, doesn't it?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58That was my story about Tony Hadley's arse.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I just like saying "Tony Hadley's arse".
0:16:00 > 0:16:04If nothing else, we've all enjoyed saying "Tony Hadley's arse".
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Who is he?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09We've come this far and you're not sure?
0:16:09 > 0:16:13He's the lead singer of Tony... of Tony Spandau.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15He's the lead singer of Spandau Ballet.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Right, why would he need an ass?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- He's got an arse, the thing was there was...- I'm so confused.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24It was a prize for a competition,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26and they thought it would be funny to make this arse,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29and my demeaning job was to make this arse.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Hm. Not funny at all.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35So, what is going to win the Lucas for most miserable showbiz experience?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Being heckled by everyone at the Hippo Club,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40interviewing Madonna, or Tony Hadley's arse?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Well, we was going to do Tony Hadley's Khyber,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50but somebody got wind of it, so we're going for the Hippo Club.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54So, the winner of the Lucas for most miserable showbiz experience
0:16:54 > 0:16:58is being heckled at the Hippo Club, Nottingham.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Time for our final Lucas of the night. It's our Hidden Talent Award,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07where we find out what special skills
0:17:07 > 0:17:09our guests normally keep under their hats.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Your nominations, please. Dave?
0:17:11 > 0:17:16- The ancient Japanese art of T-shirt folding.- Alex.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20I can throw a fruit pastel into a trumpet from ten feet.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21And Ruby.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- I will be performing the Zumba. - Excellent.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28So, Dave, how did you discover this very special unique talent?
0:17:28 > 0:17:33I discovered, er, this talent for T-shirt folding
0:17:33 > 0:17:36while watching a YouTube video about T-shirt folding.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- Right.- I thought, "I reckon I could do that",
0:17:40 > 0:17:44and it turned out I could, and now I use it when folding my laundry.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Well, it's time to put your money where your beard-covered mouth is.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50If you'd like to join me over there in the bit over there.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Now it's time to see how fast Dave really is,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and we're going to pit him against a very experienced T-shirt folder.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Well, she folds my T-shirts. It's my mum.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Now, Mum, you have some sort of qualification in T-shirt folding?
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Absolutely. When I was in the Brownies, I was aged about eight or nine,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I did a proficiency badge in T-shirt and jumper folding,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18and I actually got the badge, and it was sewn on there for me.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23- APPLAUSE - So I should be, I should be good competition.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25OK, all right, you ready?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Well, Dave and my mum have until the buzzer sounds
0:18:28 > 0:18:31to neatly fold as many T-shirts as they can.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Your time begins... wait for it...
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Now!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39OK, there we go.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43This is like Saturday Kitchen when they do the omelette challenge.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- And no-one turns out a proper omelette.- That's right.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- They just make a mess. - Have you been on Saturday Kitchen?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49I have been on Saturday Kitchen.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I went on it to promote the first series of this show,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54and it was a bit embarrassing cos I've never seen it,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57and I turned up thinking it was Something For The Weekend,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59but I've also never seen that.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01And so I arrived thinking "Where's Tim Lovejoy?"
0:19:01 > 0:19:04The Chelsea fan, but it was just some cookers, some ovens,
0:19:04 > 0:19:08and they made a fish pie and I hate fish cos it tastes like fish.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09And I had to pretend not to hate it.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12I went, "Oh, that's delicious" but it was horrible.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You're both doing very well...oh!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Lay off my mum, you bearded bully.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Oh, it's getting very close. Oh...
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- BUZZER - Dave is the winner!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27APPLAUSE
0:19:27 > 0:19:29You see, you didn't need to cheat, did you?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I didn't. I just disrupted one and she's got two left, so I apologise.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I can tell you that your prize is a Saturday job
0:19:35 > 0:19:37in The Gap in Watford High Street, so well done.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Well done. If you'd like to make your way back to the seat.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44APPLAUSE
0:19:44 > 0:19:46You've let me down, you've let them down.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Most of all you've let yourself down.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51APPLAUSE
0:19:51 > 0:19:53There we go.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57So, Alex, you claim you can throw a fruit pastel
0:19:57 > 0:20:00into, what, the bell of a trumpet from ten feet?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Yeah, not the mouthpiece. No, the bell.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05How did you first discover this extraordinary talent?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08I've got a band, my own band who I perform with.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10They're called The Horn Section. Oh, they're so good.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14But sometimes I find the music quite tedious.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17For rehearsal I started lobbing fruit pastels at the trumpeter,
0:20:17 > 0:20:21because I sort of saw the circle and the bloke, it looked like a target.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Just chucked them, and every one went in.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- And I've never missed. - You've never missed?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27I'm like a ninja, I can't miss.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- You get it on the first try every time?- Every time, I've never missed.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33All right, you're setting yourself up for a bit of a fall here.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Well, Alex, it's time to see your hidden talent in action.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40If you would like to make your way with me over to the bit over there.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42APPLAUSE
0:20:45 > 0:20:49OK, so you're going to stand there, please, Alex, and this man is...?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52John. Joe! Joe. This is Joe, my oldest friend.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56OK, Alex, I was going to offer you three attempts,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- but if you say you can do it on the first attempt.- Never miss.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04Okey-dokey, he's going to land a sweet into the bell of that there trumpet. OK.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I-i-i-in one...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09PLAYS TRUMPET
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- It didn't go in.- First miss. - The first ever miss? Really?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Of about a thousand. OK, let's go again.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I-i-i-in two.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31PLAYS TRUMPET
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Closer, wasn't it? A bit closer.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Sometimes when I go to the lavatory and someone else walks in, I can't pee.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42This is like that, isn't it?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Yeah, I mean this whole thing is putting me off.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47It's a lot, very breezy.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Yeah, very strong winds(!)
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- Very strong winds.- All right, we'll give you another go.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I-i-i-i-in three.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55PLAYS TRUMPET
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Oh!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Alex Horne, you are full of shit.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06APPLAUSE
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Let's have another go.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10PLAYS TRUMPET
0:22:13 > 0:22:16No! I'm smashing it, I'm smashing it!
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Don't pick it up off the floor! - I'm angry with myself that time.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- All right, here we go. - He's waving all over the place.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Don't blame me.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Right, i-i-i-i-in five.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31PLAYS TRUMPET
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- Do you want a wicket-keeper? - Yeah, OK, good idea.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45APPLAUSE
0:22:45 > 0:22:46All right. Shall I chalk it?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51All right, here we go.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I-i-i-in...whatever one it is.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Is that what they do?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59All right.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01PLAYS TRUMPET
0:23:04 > 0:23:06GROANING
0:23:09 > 0:23:11We've come this far, ladies and gentlemen.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Here we go.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- You can do it. - Never missed, I've never missed.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22PLAYS TRUMPET
0:23:22 > 0:23:25AUDIENCE CLAPS
0:23:27 > 0:23:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:32 > 0:23:35What happens now, because of the angle and the speed that I threw it,
0:23:35 > 0:23:39the fruit pastel will be travelling around the trumpet, if you may.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42It's all steamed up and it'll be travelling all the way round there,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44it will go through the little keys
0:23:44 > 0:23:46and should now be in the trumpeter's mouth
0:23:46 > 0:23:48and if he should just be able to...
0:23:51 > 0:23:53APPLAUSE
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Alex Horne, make your way back to the sofa.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Thank you, sir.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Ah, I'm exhausted after that.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Sorry. You know the bit earlier when we have to say our most miserable showbiz experience?
0:24:12 > 0:24:13- Yes.- Can I change my answer?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17You are allowed, yes. So, Ruby,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20before you tell us all about your skill,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I need to point out that because Zumba is actually a trademark,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26we're not meant to keep saying its name as it's free advertising.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28The name that cannot be spoken.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30That's right. So for the purpose of our conversation,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33we've come up with a very catchy title.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Copyrighted Columbian Dance Fitness Programme, or CCDFP.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41So, Ruby how did you first get into CCDFP?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Well, I got into it as a small child,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46but I did my show in Africa,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49and I thought, "Bring something to the people."
0:24:49 > 0:24:51So I was the first white woman
0:24:51 > 0:24:55to actually show them how to move in the centre region.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59I did get rounds of applause every night from two people.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- So, Ruby... - I'll be using my pelvic floor,
0:25:01 > 0:25:05you won't be seeing that bit, but that's working at all times.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Excellent.- So actually some of the carpet may come up,
0:25:08 > 0:25:09that's all I'm saying.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Thank you for warning us.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15OK, Ruby, the time has come to put your CCDFP skills to the test.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- If you'd like to take your place over there in the bit over there. - OK.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23OK, here with her CCDFP routine, it's Ruby Wax.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32MUSIC: "(Waka Waka) This Time For Africa" by Shakira
0:25:35 > 0:25:37AUDIENCE CLAPS
0:25:44 > 0:25:46# You're a good soldier
0:25:46 > 0:25:48# Choosing your battles
0:25:48 > 0:25:50# Pick yourself up And dust yourself off
0:25:50 > 0:25:52# Get back in the saddle
0:25:52 > 0:25:56# You're on the front line Everyone's watching
0:25:56 > 0:25:58# You know it's serious We're getting closer
0:25:58 > 0:26:03# This isn't over The pressure's on, you feel it
0:26:03 > 0:26:07# But you got it all, believe it
0:26:07 > 0:26:11# When you fall get up, oh oh If you fall get up, eh eh
0:26:11 > 0:26:14# Tsamina mina zangalewa Cos this is Africa
0:26:14 > 0:26:18# Tsamina mina, eh eh Waka waka, eh eh
0:26:18 > 0:26:22# Tsamina mina zangalewa This time for Africa. #
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- Thank you. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I thought you were absolutely wonderful.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- And the carpet is within. - Yes, it is. Congratulations.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38You know when, like, Prince Charles and Camilla go on foreign visits
0:26:38 > 0:26:41and they end up in a foreign land with tribes-people doing a dance,
0:26:41 > 0:26:44and you can see they don't know what to do with their face.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- Yeah.- I've just felt like that for the last two minutes.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51So we've seen the nominations for our Hidden Talent Award.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Dave folding T-shirts very fast, Alex throwing a fruit pastel
0:26:55 > 0:27:00eventually down the bell of a trumpet, and Ruby's CCDFP routine.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02So for the final time this evening,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05judges, what is your verdict and why?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- The winner is CCDFP. - Excellent, excellent.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:14 > 0:27:18So the winner of the Hidden Talent Award is Ruby Wax.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Well, that's about it for tonight.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26All I need to do is award this week's Lucas of Lucases,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29the special prize that I always give at the end of the show,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32that tonight goes to the bravest guest.
0:27:32 > 0:27:38And, well, for sheer persistence in the face of abject failure,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40I think that makes you rather brave,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43the Lucas of Lucases goes to Alex Horne, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:49 > 0:27:53I'd just like to say thank you to the guy who, um, inspired it.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I read his books. Mr Trudeau. He's just brilliant.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58You should get his books, they're really good.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01I'm beside mys... I'm beside Ruby Wax.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Well, congratulations once again, and thanks to all of my guests,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Dave Gorman, Ruby Wax and Alex Horne.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13To our judges, Peter Dean, John Altman, Leonard Fenton, Nej Adamson.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16To my mum and to all of you at home for watching. Good night.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd