0:00:02 > 0:00:06- # Hello, my friends! You remember me?- Who are you?
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# I'm the chap who is sometimes in those shows you like to see
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Well, they gave me my own show and I thought, "What should it be?"
0:00:12 > 0:00:16- # Then, I said, "I know!" - What?- An Awards ceremony
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# But not for best actor
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# Not for best score
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# Not for best director cos we've had all those before
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# Not for cinematographer for that would be a bore
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# No, let's discuss achievements that the other shows ignore!
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# And comment things formally undebated
0:00:35 > 0:00:38# Yes, we'll honour those uncelebrated
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# So thanking you my Ladies and my Lords
0:00:41 > 0:00:48# It's The Matt Lucas Awards! #
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Hello and welcome to The Matt Lucas Awards,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01the show that gives the awards other shows don't give.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Whether it's Jammiest celebrity of least essential body part.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08This week, like every other week, I'm joined in the kitchen by my Mum.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Hello, Mum!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13And on the keyboard, Mr David Arnold.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15David.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17David!
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Shortly, I'll be deciding the winners of these prestigious Lucas Awards.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27But first, to provide the nominations, will you please welcome my guests?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Jason Manford.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Graeme Garden
0:01:33 > 0:01:36and Henning Wehn.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- Are you all right? Have a seat. - Thank you.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Come on, let's have a hug. Let's have a hug. Have a seat.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Let's have a hug. Here, give me a hug.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Have a seat.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- Welcome all of you to the show. - Thank you.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Henning, my favourite German comedian.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57What are the most popular award ceremonies in Germany?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Well, we've just recently awarded ourselves Europe.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Congratulations.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Then, after that, I think Germany, compared to Britain,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13we don't really have that many awards ceremonies
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- because our work in itself is seen as a reward.- Right.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Thank you all for coming on the show.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24On to our first award of the night.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Now, all nations have something to be proud about, don't they?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29If you're French, it's your cuisine.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31If you're American, it's your firemen.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33If you're Swiss, it's Toblerone and Nazi gold.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36But which countries are so full of themselves
0:02:36 > 0:02:38there's barely room to put your suitcase?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Nominations please for the Lucas
0:02:40 > 0:02:43for Smuggest Nation Of People.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Jason.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45The Swedes.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Henning.- The Chinese.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- And Graeme.- The English.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52So the nominations for Smuggest Nation Of People
0:02:52 > 0:02:55are the Swedes, the Chinese and the English.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57So Jason why have you gone for the Swedes?
0:02:57 > 0:02:58I find them just a bit sort of,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"Oh, look at us, with our brilliant economy,
0:03:00 > 0:03:04"we're really efficient and good looking."
0:03:04 > 0:03:07They're sort of, they're like Germans without the baggage.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Do you know what I mean?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- And they eat reindeer. Well out of order.- Yeah.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I mean, how can you eat reindeer?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16What's going on? That's like eating Christmas, man.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18That's a terrible thing to eat, isn't it?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Imagine that Christmas, "Sorry, we've not got any toys this year
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"because the Swedes ate all the reindeers."
0:03:23 > 0:03:24- They are smug, yeah.- Yeah.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29Like a pint of beer ten quid... That's smug whichever way you look at it.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I mean, because either you're saying, "Look, we're so rich we can afford that."
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Or you go, "Oh, we're so beautiful we don't need any beer goggles."
0:03:39 > 0:03:40That is smug.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45Well, we do have some things here that Sweden is actually famous for.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46In my box.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Let's have a look.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Of course ABBA, yeah.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54If you haven't heard of them, they were like a kind of Swedish Buck's Fizz.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Bjorn Borg, of course.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Get a bloody haircut, man, you're about to meet the Duchess of Kent.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04What else have we got here?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Swedish Chef, of course. Woog-woog-woog.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Still easier to understand than Jamie Oliver.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13And need I even say it?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Of course, IKEA. - Oh, say no more.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Do you shop at IKEA at all?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I don't shop at IKEA because I used to like Bank Holidays
0:04:20 > 0:04:23and now it's like...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Bye, bye, Bond. Hello, Billy bookcase.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29See, they're being smug again. They're going,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32"This is how your living room should look if you weren't such a scruffy bastard."
0:04:32 > 0:04:34That's what they're saying.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36And then they ruin four hours of your day
0:04:36 > 0:04:39and then try and win you back with a cheap hot dog.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Which is fair enough.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Graeme, have you ever been to that shop?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I can't keep saying... If we keep saying IKEA, we get done, you see,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48because it's this thing called undue prominence where...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51They don't mind, they love it, but it's all the other companies.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Yeah, like DFS, they are going,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56"Oh, why don't you rubbish us for a bit now?"
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Are you a fan of this type of...
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I have been to a flat-pack self-assembly shop.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Yes.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07And made a purchase
0:05:07 > 0:05:11and, like everybody else, gone back to get the key.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15But the last thing I got from IKEA was a bookcase
0:05:15 > 0:05:18and it had a little pictorial thing on the instructions.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22And it was a picture of a man opening the box,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25then the man looking like that, and then the man on the phone.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Well, thank you very much.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Henning, tell us why you've opted for the Chinese?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35For starters, you know their symbol,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37how they write themselves,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40it's like a box, you know, as if you were to draw a telly.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Yeah.- And then a stick through it.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- So, they're essentially, they translate themselves as middle kingdom.- Right.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49So if you say you're at the centre of the Earth...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Well, not even the Brits do that, come on. I mean...
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Even the maps they've got.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57They've got maps where they've got China right in the middle.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01So that is pretty smug, but I'm not that bothered about them being smug,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04what I don't like about them is that they're so dangerous.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Right?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08They're going, they're going to take over, don't they, the Chinese.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13Yeah, they're going to take over because they get up early in the morning.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Obviously time difference works in their favour on that one.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22They're going to take over. Listen, listen, we have to nuke them now.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Hmmm.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29See? People in Britain laugh. In America they would make me president.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37They do have the biggest population in the world, don't they?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- One billion people.- Yeah.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41And that is why we need a united Europe.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44We do need, I mean... Britain is always going,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46"Oh, we're not in Europe." Well, get a bloody map.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Of course Britain is in Europe.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51We're going to have a look now at what the Chinese have given the world.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53We've got another box here.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55CHINESE MUSIC
0:06:55 > 0:06:58OK. Let's have a look.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Paper, so they can print their lying maps, excellent.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04They invented the noodle,
0:07:04 > 0:07:08which is a kind of prototype pot noodle, of course.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11And, of course, we all know about Chinese whispers.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12There we go.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20And they invented the number 46 with rice as well.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Very good, yes. Very, very impressive.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Well, we are joined in the studio by someone of the Chinese persuasion.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Stuart Hoo. Where's Stuart?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Oh, there you are!
0:07:30 > 0:07:31I spotted you.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Have Henning's comments wounded your sense of national pride, Stuart?
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Er... Not really, but a little bit not, not accuracy.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- I think...- Really?- Yeah, in the sense of talking about smug,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47you have to divide it into the people and the nation.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Me, I'm not smug at all.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Well, you're being a bit smug about saying that.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56But, you know, if you're talking about the nation,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- then, yes - a little bit smug, I would say.- Do you think so?
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- Yes.- And are you upset with Henning, would you still welcome him to China?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Absolutely, yes.- You would.- I would recommend some good restaurants
0:08:06 > 0:08:10which have proper German-style Chinese food for you.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Off we go.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Thank you very much, Stuart. Thank you.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Now, Graeme, before you tell us why you've opted for the English...
0:08:17 > 0:08:18- Yes.- As your smuggest nation...
0:08:18 > 0:08:22I should just establish that even though, I would say you speak with an English accent,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24you are actually from Scotland, is that right?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I am, yeah, and by nominating the English
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I'm kind of playing the Scottish race card.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Excellent.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I mean, there's smugness
0:08:32 > 0:08:35feeling pleased with yourself with good reason,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38and the smugness I don't like is feeling pleased with yourself
0:08:38 > 0:08:40for no good reason.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42And I think the English are pretty guilty of that.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Whereas in Scotland, they've got a much better health service.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Mind you, they need it.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50They look after their old people much better,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53although they don't have quite so many.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55They've got a great legal system,
0:08:55 > 0:08:59great education system and they've got the highland reel and tossing the caber
0:08:59 > 0:09:03where England has Morris dancing and darts.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06So I think, as a nation, it's full of smug people.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- I mean, you know, Jeremy Kyle.- Yeah.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Yeah, well, I've actually got a Smug-o-meter here with me today.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Mum?- Yes.- Can you bring the Smug-o-meter over?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17OK, coming up.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Here it comes. Thank you very much indeed.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Yes, this is the Smug-o-meter.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25It goes from 'Not That Smug'
0:09:25 > 0:09:28to 'Yeah, Bit Smug'
0:09:28 > 0:09:30to 'Yeah, Smug'
0:09:30 > 0:09:32to 'Proper Cocky'
0:09:32 > 0:09:34to 'Really Pushing It Now'
0:09:34 > 0:09:36to 'Unbearable' to 'Clarkson.' Yes.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48So we have a selection of things that we think typify England.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49All right.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52And perhaps you can us where you think the various candidates sit,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54so this is the first one.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56The real ale drinkers.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- They are 'Yeah, Smug.'- Yeah.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I'd put them sort of round about there
0:10:02 > 0:10:04because they have to drink the stuff, so...
0:10:04 > 0:10:06These people are like,
0:10:06 > 0:10:12"Oh, it's not a proper drink unless it's been filtered through a badger's foreskin."
0:10:12 > 0:10:14They're ridiculously... Too much detail.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I think I know what you mean. OK.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18The Royal Family.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Well, now, they have smugness thrust upon them.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Ah, OK.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26I don't think they're smug through choice, I'd put them 'Not That Smug.'
0:10:26 > 0:10:29This is, this is cos that woman just gave you the OBE.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- Yes. Yes.- Yeah. Fair enough.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I haven't got an OBE, I'd put them over there.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Middle-class people who go to Provence.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I don't know many middle-class people who go to Provence
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- but I would guess they are pretty smug, aren't they?- They would.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Where do we put them?- I would say they were 'Proper Cocky.'
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Proper cocky, they are, aren't they? - Yeah.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- You mentioned him earlier, here he is, Jeremy Kyle.- Uch!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56That was just an uch!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59We should have put "uch" on there, shouldn't we? Uch!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I don't want to clutter up too much room at the very top there because just in case...
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- He's got to be unbearable!- He's unbearable. He's unbearable. Yes. - Fair enough.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Who would you put on the list, Mum?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I think you might quite agree with me on this one,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Manchester United supporters.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Oh, very good, yes.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Manchester United supporters, yes.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19David, who would you put on the list?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Anyone who drives a Prius
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- and has organic vegetables delivered by Ocado.- Right.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Fair enough.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34Well, it's time for me to decide who will win the Lucas for Smuggest Nation Of People.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Graeme, I take your points but I have a concern.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40When you consider how smug the English are already
0:11:40 > 0:11:43without hardly ever winning anything,
0:11:43 > 0:11:47- just imagine how smug we'd be if we actually got this.- Ah.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Even an award for smugness would be unbearable. I can't risk it.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- OK. - Jason, thanks for your argument.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Unfortunately, I was unable to understand what you said
0:11:55 > 0:11:56because of your northern dialect.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Henning, in terms of innovation,
0:12:01 > 0:12:05the Chinese invented printing, gunpowder, which were pretty good,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08but they have sat back on their laurels since then,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11we've only really had sweet and sour pork to get our interests going.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13So, for that reason,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I think the Lucas for Smuggest Nation Of People has to go to the Chinese.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I must just use the loo, actually. Excuse me.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- See the football last night? - Yeah, it was amazing, wasn't it?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Yeah, it was great! Did you see van Persie's goal?- 30 yards out.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Fantastic! I didn't think he was going to score. The whole time.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- Yeah.- Do you think he'll stay at the end of the season?
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Don't know, he's part of the team.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- I think he'll stay. - They're relying on him.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Sometimes it's better to just take the 15 million and go.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43If you can borrow 15 million.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Yeah, or maybe he'll stay, maybe he'll stay.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I'll go later.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Flatmate.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Time for another award. Ooh, honks in here.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59I love art.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I don't just like the classical stuff like crying harlequin or airbrushed unicorn,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07I like modern works too, like photo of tennis girl scratching arse.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10But what masterly talents have our guests been hiding?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Let's find out as we seek to award a Lucas
0:13:13 > 0:13:15for Most Artistic Guest.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18If you'd like to take your places, please.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22# The guests are taking their places
0:13:22 > 0:13:24# The guests are taking their places
0:13:24 > 0:13:27# The guests are taking their places
0:13:27 > 0:13:31# And the guests are all sat down. #
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Now, I want to choose a subject that would stimulate everyone's artistic juices,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37so will you please welcome our life model.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44And here he comes.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55Good evening. If you'd like to take your position on the stool, please.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59OK. If you'd like to pick up your pads, you may begin drawing now.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Please do join in at home.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Have you ever done this before? - Many times.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10You have? How much does one get paid to do something like this?
0:14:10 > 0:14:11- Not enough.- Right.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21OK, David, let's look at how you're getting on.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Right.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24What are you trying to say
0:14:24 > 0:14:25with this piece?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I actually have no memory
0:14:27 > 0:14:28of doing this.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Right.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Slightly worrying.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Henning, I'm quite impressed by the speed of your drawing,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39you're quite impulsive.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Well, at the end of the day everyone looks the same, isn't it?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Two eyes, one nose, one mouth, two ears,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47hair or no hair. It's the same, isn't it?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Yeah.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Graeme, you draw a lot, you paint a lot.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Is this an unusual subject for you?
0:14:54 > 0:14:58I have actually drawn a gentleman like this before.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59- Did he know you were drawing him?- No.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Let's have a look at what some of the audience are doing.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Very nice.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09That's pathetic.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13That's good, but it's like of a different person.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I'm not going to talk about that.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Let's see how we're doing here.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Jason, what's that?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Well, I'm quite low down, so, um...
0:15:28 > 0:15:29I see.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I didn't realise I was so good.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I mean, that's a hell of a stool sample, eh?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Come on.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37What do you think of hers?
0:15:37 > 0:15:38The...the drawing, I mean.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44It's all right. She's made him slightly nicer, actually.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- Slightly Neanderthal with the eyebrows.- Yeah.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Thank you, Jason.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50I hope you're enjoying this, Mum.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53You like the older gentlemen yourself, don't you?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55So you are probably having a bit of fun here.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Let's... Oh, my God, look at that!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I can't draw at all.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00You can't draw at all, look at that!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02That's pathetic.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04You've shamed the family!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I'm hopeless.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08GONG
0:16:08 > 0:16:12OK, time's up. A round of applause for our model, ladies and gentlemen.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Thank you very much.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19And I'd like to welcome our guests back to the sofas.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22# The guests are taking their places
0:16:22 > 0:16:24# Now the guests are all sat down. #
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Thank you.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Well, it's time to decide on the winner for the Most Artistic Guest.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Now, sadly Tony Hart is no longer with us,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37but I'm delighted to welcome the next best thing,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39please give it up for Morph!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Good evening and welcome.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53All right?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Now, thank you very much, Morph, for agreeing to judge this award.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01Yeah. Well, I'm not really into art, to be honest, that's more Tony's department but I'll have a look.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Thank you. I actually nearly didn't recognise you, you've filled out a little bit.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Well, you know, middle aged spread, you tend to put on a bit of clay.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Now, before you decide on a winner,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14let's have a look at what our guests have drawn.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17So, Henning, tell us about your piece please.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- Well, what essentially I did is I looked at the model.- Yeah.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27And then I thought that model's got a head.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Yeah.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31And then, that's how I then started with this circle
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- and started then putting the hairs on top here.- Yes.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39So that way I knew which way round it was.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44And then I just worked my way down, really.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47What are you going to call your piece, Henning?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Dave.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Very nice, very nice.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53OK. Graeme, perhaps you can show us your piece
0:17:53 > 0:17:58and tell us what went through your tiny mind when you did this.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Yeah, I was doing a little still life of this coffee table
0:18:02 > 0:18:04with the tea pot on it,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06and this bloke got in the way.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Er, I call this Still Life Obscured.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Very nice, thank you very much, Graeme. Finally, Jason.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I see you've added some texture to the leg here.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- Yeah, well, I had a bit of time, because the stool didn't take as long as I thought.- Right.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26I probably thought I had more paper than I did.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Do you have a name for this piece?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I'm going to just call it simply Stool.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34- Stool.- Yeah.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Well, Morph, from seeing all the artwork, who are you going to give this award to?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Well, you see, I don't really take much to this modern art.- Right.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I mean, I like what I like and I know what I like.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45All right, OK.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49And I think it's going to have to be for Mr Graeme Garden.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Mr Graeme Garden, there we go.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Traditional art wins out.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57The Lucas for Most Artistic Guest goes to Graeme Garden.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Also, a round of applause, please, for Morph, ladies and gentlemen.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I love that he thought it was modern art.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15OK, on to our final award.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19# I'm football crazy I'm football mad... #
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I'm football psychotic, I'm working on my mental health issues
0:19:22 > 0:19:25with a qualified psychiatrist.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28We've got some way to go, but he feels we're making progress.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Yes, the next round is about football songs,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33but we're not interested in the classics. Oh, no!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36We want to hear your nominations please
0:19:36 > 0:19:39for the Lucas for Dreadfullest Football Song Ever Sung.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Jason.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46Diamond Lights by Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Henning.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Far Away In America
0:19:49 > 0:19:53by Village People and Deutsche Fussballnationalmannschaft.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54And Graeme.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Sven, Sven, Sven by Bell and Spurling.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01So the nominations for the Dreadfullest Football Song Ever Sung
0:20:01 > 0:20:02are Diamond Lights,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Far Away In America
0:20:04 > 0:20:06and Sven, Sven, Sven.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08So first up, Jason's nomination,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle played together at Tottenham...
0:20:11 > 0:20:16And in 1987 reached number 12 in the charts with this.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18# Darling, I love you
0:20:18 > 0:20:19# My diamond lights
0:20:19 > 0:20:22# I'll always want you
0:20:22 > 0:20:24# Darling, I love you
0:20:24 > 0:20:26# My diamond lights
0:20:26 > 0:20:29# I'll always need you
0:20:29 > 0:20:32# Oh, darling. #
0:20:42 > 0:20:46So, Jason, what do you think Glenn Hoddle did wrong in a former life
0:20:46 > 0:20:49to have to come back and do that?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- I don't... What gets me on that is how seriously they're taking it. - Yeah.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Every other football song looks like they're going,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57"We're a load of lads, we're having a laugh, we're messing around."
0:20:57 > 0:21:00They're taking it like they're thinking, "Right, the football's over.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05"Forget... Glenn, leave the football now, this is our new career path."
0:21:05 > 0:21:08But what producers have looked at footballers and gone,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11"These two are really good footballers,
0:21:11 > 0:21:15"I tell you what I want to see, I want to see if they can sing."
0:21:15 > 0:21:19I mean, you don't look at girls aloud and go, "They'd make a good back four."
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I forgive most of what Glenn Hoddle's done in the past,
0:21:22 > 0:21:23I will not forgive that song.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Now, Jason, I'm having a problem working out
0:21:26 > 0:21:27whether this is a dreadful song
0:21:27 > 0:21:30or actually a wonderful song just dreadfully sung.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31I think the only way to find out
0:21:31 > 0:21:34is to hear this song sung by someone else.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35So run with me on this.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- OK.- I think we need to hear this song sung
0:21:38 > 0:21:41by the person who has nominated it.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44So if you'd like to join me over in the performance area, please.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Now then, now then, they usually play for Tottenham...
0:21:55 > 0:21:56But tonight, please welcome
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle with Diamond Lights.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06# Eyes that freeze like ice
0:22:06 > 0:22:10# Cold electric blue Those diamond lights. #
0:22:12 > 0:22:13There's a little bit of a wait
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- before the next bit.- Oh, the big bit. - It comes in now.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18# You were hard as stone
0:22:18 > 0:22:22# Solid stone
0:22:22 > 0:22:24# For me. #
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Then, I always get confused cos
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I find it a very unmemorable song,
0:22:27 > 0:22:28so are we supposed to sing now
0:22:28 > 0:22:29or what?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31# ...Rearrange my life
0:22:31 > 0:22:33# Rearrange my life
0:22:33 > 0:22:34# Can't explain... #
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Oh, he knows what he's doing!
0:22:36 > 0:22:37#...So afraid tonight. #
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Here we go.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42# Darling, I love you
0:22:42 > 0:22:45# I'll always want you
0:22:45 > 0:22:47# Darling, I love you. #
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Very nice.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# I'll always need you
0:22:53 > 0:22:55# Oh, darling
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- # Diamond...- Diamond... - Diamond lights!- Diamond lights! #
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Jason Manford, ladies and gentlemen.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- Now, you and I...- Mmm.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13- You and I are both very, very accomplished singers.- Yes, I know!
0:23:13 > 0:23:14- But we struggled with that.- We did.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Because it's a very, very unmemorable tune.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- It's awful.- Yes.- Awful, it's got nothing going for it at all.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25- I mean, the fact that it's not been covered by anybody on X-Factor... shows you.- Yeah.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Well, listen, the worse the rendition,
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I think the greater the chance that your nomination's going to win,
0:23:31 > 0:23:32so take heart from that.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Henning, you have chosen Far Away In America
0:23:35 > 0:23:37by the Village People
0:23:37 > 0:23:41und der Deutsche Fussballnationalmannschaft, is that correct?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Yes, that's what...it is these days.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Let's have a look at a clip.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50# Far away in America
0:23:50 > 0:23:51# We're going to make it
0:23:51 > 0:23:54# Find a chance and take it
0:23:54 > 0:23:57# Play in America
0:23:57 > 0:23:59# We're going to make it
0:23:59 > 0:24:01# Get it up and shake it
0:24:01 > 0:24:05# You're going to fight for the light Play it
0:24:05 > 0:24:07# Come on and go It's all right!
0:24:07 > 0:24:11# Far away in America
0:24:11 > 0:24:15# Far away in America
0:24:15 > 0:24:17# Let's go. #
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Now...
0:24:19 > 0:24:22before our British viewers get too smug,
0:24:22 > 0:24:27that was from the World Cup in 1994 when no British sides qualified.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29However, before our German viewers get too smug,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32you did get knocked out in the quarter finals by Bulgaria.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- So, Henning, I know that the World Cup took place in America.- Yes.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39But even so, how did this travesty happen?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Was Nena busy finally shaving her armpits that day?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45No, they wanted to create an authentic song
0:24:45 > 0:24:47and they thought, "We're going to America,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50"then, let's sing a song with some yanks,"
0:24:50 > 0:24:52but I mean, it's ridiculous, isn't it?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Because, I mean, the thing is, the song is quite good, isn't it,
0:24:55 > 0:24:59because it's catchy, the team seem to have fun singing it,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02so there is nothing wrong with that but there is intrinsically
0:25:02 > 0:25:05something very, very wrong if you don't sing in your own language.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08That is the same nonsense that we had in 2010
0:25:08 > 0:25:11when Lena won the Eurovision Song Contest "for Germany."
0:25:11 > 0:25:16How is it a triumph for Germany when she sings in English?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Trying to win the Eurovision Song Contest singing in a foreign language
0:25:19 > 0:25:20is every little bit as ridiculous
0:25:20 > 0:25:24as trying to win in the football World Cup with a foreign manager.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Aaah.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- I see where this is going.- I see...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I'm going to edit out that applause, don't you worry.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Do you have happy memories of that World Cup?
0:25:35 > 0:25:40How could I? We came, we crashed down in the quarter finals to a country that shouldn't even exist.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Henning, I still can't judge this.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I'm going to need for you to sing this song.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Perhaps you can also join us, Graeme and Jason,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52as we go over to the performance area.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Is that right?
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Hello, I'm Bruno Brookes singing Far Away In America.
0:26:00 > 0:26:07Please welcome der Village People and der Deutsche Fussballnationalmannschaft.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13# There's a time you can't go wrong
0:26:13 > 0:26:17# When your heart arrives in America
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# And you know the game is on
0:26:20 > 0:26:24# That will change your life in America
0:26:24 > 0:26:28# It's a land so wild and free
0:26:28 > 0:26:31# Calling out to you and me
0:26:31 > 0:26:33# Ready for some action
0:26:33 > 0:26:37# That's the way it's going to be. #
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Here we go!
0:26:38 > 0:26:43# Far away in America
0:26:43 > 0:26:44# We're going to make it
0:26:44 > 0:26:47# Find a chance and take it
0:26:47 > 0:26:49# Far away in America
0:26:49 > 0:26:53# Far away in America
0:26:53 > 0:26:54# Let's go! #
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Henning Wehn, ladies and gentlemen.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Well done! If you'd like to make your way back to the sofa.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Please, welcome back, welcome back.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Welcome back to the sofa.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Thank you very much.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14I'm disgusted.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16You're disgusted by what?
0:27:16 > 0:27:20That Henning sang that in English. It's terrible.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24- Now, Graeme. You've chosen Sven, Sven, Sven.- Yes.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- Which is a tribute to the then England manager Sven-Goran Eriksson. - Yes.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Now this reached number 7 in the charts in October 2001.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Let's take a look at the video.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36# Sven, Sven, Sven-Goran Eriksson
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# He's got Jimmy Saville's haircut
0:27:41 > 0:27:45# So how'd he get a lovely girlfriend
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# He tried so many players for the Holland game
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# Yeah, how'd he forget Collymore
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# They say he's insane
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Michael Owen levels it up for England
0:27:54 > 0:27:56on 12 minutes in Munich!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58What a start to the season!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05He doesn't even look properly like Sven, he just looks like a man.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08He looks like Sven would look if he wasn't Swedish,
0:28:08 > 0:28:12was five years older, had dark hair, more hair and a different face.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Graeme, what is your issue with this song?
0:28:16 > 0:28:20Well, apart from the slightly cheesy video.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Yeah.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Er...
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Say something now.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28I think we've turned him with this costume.
0:28:28 > 0:28:33- Yes. But Bell and Spurling, I don't know which club they play for. - Right.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37But I just think footballers shouldn't try and sing songs like that, really.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43I feel I ought to tell you that I don't think Bell and Spurling were themselves footballers.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45- Weren't they?- No.- Oh!
0:28:45 > 0:28:46I think they were just men.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48They looked the type.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53Where were you, Henning, when Sven's England beat Germany 5-1?
0:28:53 > 0:28:58Well, for starters, it never happened.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02No, honestly, honestly,
0:29:02 > 0:29:035-1 is a fluke scoreline.
0:29:03 > 0:29:04Yeah.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Yeah, from a football game between England and Germany,
0:29:07 > 0:29:10in the end, both of which did qualify for World Cup 2002.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Then, in the actual tournament, Germany goes on to play the final.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17Admittedly, we lost, yes. But we made it all the way through to the final,
0:29:17 > 0:29:20whereas England got sent packing weeks before that.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24And that's why I genuinely do not understand the pride about that 5-1.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28Yeah, it's like me walking up to a Russian fella and going,
0:29:28 > 0:29:31"Oi, mate! Stalingrad, 1941!"
0:29:31 > 0:29:34And I wouldn't do that because he would just turn round and go,
0:29:34 > 0:29:37"Oi! Stalingrad, 1942!"
0:29:41 > 0:29:43Well, Graeme, you know the score.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45- Please take your place... - Oh, no!- In the performance area.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51Hello, Pet. I'm Jayne Middlemiss.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Please welcome with Sven, Sven, Sven,
0:29:54 > 0:29:57Graeme Garden and the real Bell and Spurling.
0:29:57 > 0:30:01# Sven, Sven, Sven-Goran Eriksson
0:30:03 > 0:30:05# He's got Jimmy Saville's haircut
0:30:05 > 0:30:09# So how'd he get a lovely girlfriend
0:30:09 > 0:30:11# He tried so many players
0:30:11 > 0:30:12# For the Holland game
0:30:12 > 0:30:14# How'd he forget Collymore
0:30:14 > 0:30:16# They say he's insane
0:30:16 > 0:30:19# Sven, Sven, Sven-Goran Eriksson. #
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Europe!
0:30:22 > 0:30:23# He's a lovely geezer
0:30:23 > 0:30:26# But don't forget that he's from Sweden. #
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Graeme.
0:30:28 > 0:30:29# Up front there's Michael Owen
0:30:29 > 0:30:31# And Heskey, that's his pal
0:30:31 > 0:30:33# He should shave off...er...
0:30:33 > 0:30:34# I don't understand all of this. #
0:30:34 > 0:30:37# Seaman, Seaman, Seaman
0:30:37 > 0:30:40# Your hair is in a right old state
0:30:40 > 0:30:42# All you need is a Mark One Escort
0:30:42 > 0:30:44# And a sovereign ring, mate
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Have a go, man!
0:30:46 > 0:30:48# What a wally David
0:30:48 > 0:30:49# Looks his hair will have to go
0:30:49 > 0:30:50# He's a cross between Burt Reynolds
0:30:50 > 0:30:52# And Peter Stringfellow
0:30:52 > 0:30:55# Sven, Sven, Sven-Goran Eriksson. #
0:30:55 > 0:30:59Bell and Spurling and Graeme Garden, ladies and gentlemen.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02Thank you very much you two. Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05Graeme, if you'd like to make your way back.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09The walk of shame, ladies and gentlemen.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16Well done, Graeme. Does that change your mind at all?
0:31:16 > 0:31:19- You know, it does.- Does it?
0:31:19 > 0:31:22I think that's probably the nicest football song I've ever sung.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Really?
0:31:24 > 0:31:27- Were you nervous actually meeting them in real life?- I was, yeah.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29But they're just like ordinary people. They're lovely.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31They're just like ordinary people.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34So which song is going to win the Lucas
0:31:34 > 0:31:36for the Dreadfullest Football Song Ever Sung.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40Well, I think, Henning, Far Away In America,
0:31:40 > 0:31:43I think your moustache is just slightly coming off there, by the way.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47I think Far Away In America is great
0:31:47 > 0:31:48because it gives us the chance
0:31:48 > 0:31:51to see the German squad looking really uncomfortable,
0:31:51 > 0:31:53which is something I rather enjoy.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56- I don't think we can give the award to Sven, Sven, Sven.- No.
0:31:56 > 0:31:57Firstly, because I actually like that song.
0:31:57 > 0:32:02Also, cos they're just over there and they can hear what we're saying.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05Which means that the Lucas for Dreadfullest Football Song Ever Sung
0:32:05 > 0:32:08has to go, and quite rightly, I think, to Diamond Lights.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Well, that's just about it for tonight.
0:32:15 > 0:32:20We just have time to award the Lucas of Lucas's, the special Lucas,
0:32:20 > 0:32:24that this week goes to the most efficient guest
0:32:24 > 0:32:26and I wonder who that might go to.
0:32:26 > 0:32:30I have a feeling it might go to Mr Henning Wehn, ladies and gentlemen.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Congratulations!
0:32:32 > 0:32:33Thank you.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Henning, congratulations.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Is there anyone you'd like to thank?
0:32:40 > 0:32:43Well, I think this is a triumph for Europe.
0:32:43 > 0:32:44OK.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Now, a lot of people back home in the Fatherland,
0:32:48 > 0:32:50they will be very delighted.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53And well, what can I say?
0:32:53 > 0:32:57It has been an absolute pleasure and delight
0:32:57 > 0:33:01to dress up for you, lovely people, like a bloody idiot.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02Thank you very much.
0:33:02 > 0:33:06Congratulations. Henning Wehn, ladies and gentlemen.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10Well, that's all we have time for. Thank you to all my guests.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13Henning Wehn, Graeme Garden, Jason Manford, Bell and Spurling,
0:33:13 > 0:33:17to my Mum, to David Arnold and to all of you for watching. Take it away!
0:33:19 > 0:33:21# Good bye, my friends!
0:33:21 > 0:33:22# That's all there is for me
0:33:22 > 0:33:24# Sod off, go on, get on your bike!
0:33:24 > 0:33:26# There's nothing more to see
0:33:26 > 0:33:28# I gave you a show
0:33:28 > 0:33:30# Which was rendered perfectly
0:33:30 > 0:33:31# So if you didn't like it
0:33:31 > 0:33:33# Why not just sell your TV?
0:33:33 > 0:33:35# Turn your back on
0:33:35 > 0:33:37# Your empty city life
0:33:37 > 0:33:39# Foll by a barge for
0:33:39 > 0:33:40# Just you and the wife
0:33:40 > 0:33:42# And you can cruise
0:33:42 > 0:33:43# Along the gorgeous Norfolk Broads
0:33:43 > 0:33:45# And thus avoid
0:33:45 > 0:33:50# The Matt Lucas Awards! #
0:33:51 > 0:33:53Thank you!