0:00:02 > 0:00:06- Hi, welcome to the show. My name's Howard Moon. He's Vince Noir.- Hiya.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09We've got a treat for you, a special friend of MINE,
0:00:09 > 0:00:15- an actor, a great actor, who's agreed to play a part within the show.- Not Simon McFarnaby?
0:00:15 > 0:00:20Yes, Simon McFarnaby, one of the foremost exponents of devised theatre in the country.
0:00:20 > 0:00:26- You only get him in cos you think he going to put you in one of his "devised" pieces.- He might do that.
0:00:26 > 0:00:32- I don't think so.- He's not working so I thought I'd get him in the show.- I wonder why(?)
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- What do you mean?- He looks a bit weird. He's wooden.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- He looks like a conker. - No, he doesn't.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40He's here now. Do you mind?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Simon McFarnaby.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Hi.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- How are you?- I'm well. - You're looking great.- Thanks.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52- Are you working much at the moment? - Bit quiet at the moment.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56- I've got something lined up for the autumn.- Really.- Bet you have.- Hmm?
0:00:56 > 0:01:00So, I just want to say that it's great to have you on the show,
0:01:00 > 0:01:04great to be working with you, really looking forward to working with you,
0:01:04 > 0:01:08- and just working and being with you. - Thanks. I'll go and get Wanda.- OK.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- Why don't you go and put your head in some vinegar?- What?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14He's just mucking around.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- Oh, right, OK.- All right. See you.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- What are you doing?- What?- Get off!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Enjoy the show.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Simon, Simon...
0:01:26 > 0:01:29..to the world of the Mighty Boosh!
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Come on, Howard, put some energy into it. Get involved.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48I'm carrying a bucket of seed. How am I meant to get involved in that?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Best job in the zoo. Millet distribution.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55- Shoosh!- There's something wrong with you, you know that, don't you?
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- What do you mean?- You're always happy. Everything's fun. Huh?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02You see a peanut, the day's off to a good start.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05You witness some soil, it's a jamboree.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- I need something more. - I think it's this poncho.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11It's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16I'm going to get a sombrero as well. Imagine that. Poncho-sombrero combo.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I'll be off my tits on happiness. You should get one.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24Takes more than a Mexican outfit and some seed distribution to make me happy.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28You know, Vince, this zoo's too small for me.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I'm a man of grand designs.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34I need something to stimulate my mind cogs. Know what I'm gonna be?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- What?- I'm gonna be a writer.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40As if you're gonna be a writer! You haven't even got a pen.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- You don't need a pen to be a writer, Vince.- I think you do.- Yeah.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- I'm a deep thinker. I'm going to be a novelist.- I write novels.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- What?- The Charlie books.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- The Charlie books?- Yeah. - That pink shape you draw?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Yeah, Charlie.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Charlie is genius. He's made from a million pieces of old bubble gum!
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Imagine that!
0:03:00 > 0:03:04In the summer of 1976, on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Charlie started to melt onto the pavement.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10It was too hot in LA and he melted like a pink bitch.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Luckily though, there was Eric Philips, a local crocodile,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16who dabbled in black magic.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21He took pity on Charlie and scraped him of the floor with a pair of fish slices.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24He poured him into an antique soup ladle
0:03:24 > 0:03:26and boarded his magic carpet...
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Ha-ha! Hold on tight, Charlie!
0:03:29 > 0:03:30..destination Alaska.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Eric Philips decided to refreeze Charlie,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37but in his cold-blooded, reptilian haste,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40he refroze him into the shape of a Hoover.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41I wasn't thinking!
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Charlie wasn't fazed, though.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46He just zoomed about the place, sucking up Inuits.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52The Inuits didn't mind. They loved it in Charlie's tight, warm belly pouch.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- They refused to come out. - That's cool!
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- He set fire to a posh hammer to make it official.- I appear to be on fire!
0:03:59 > 0:04:03The downside was that the Inuits suffocated immediately.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06It was airtight there. Charlie fired the Inuit bullets
0:04:06 > 0:04:11- into Eric's crocodile pupils. - After all I did for you!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14The green shape was frozen.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric Philips' magic carpet
0:04:19 > 0:04:21and left for Seattle.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Charlie was racked with guilt.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26He'd killed 50 Inuits. No-one needs that.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28He decided to spend the rest of his life
0:04:28 > 0:04:33putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, trumpets and spanners.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37That's not a novel. That's the scribblings of a retard, Vince.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39They're novelettes.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40It's in crayon, you berk!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- So what? I'm new school. - New school?- Yeah.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48- I'm talking about books that'll get published.- I publish mine myself.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52You photocopy them and leave them in supermarkets inside Weetabix boxes.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54That's not published, is it, huh?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I want to deal with real people, real issues, real characters.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Charlie's real. - Will you shut up about Charlie?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- He's not real.- He IS real. - Stop saying that.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- You're scared of Charlie.- I'm not! - Why are you scared?
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- I'm not!- You don't need to be scared of him.- I'm NOT scared of him.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- Charlie's always been here.- What? - He's always been with us.- Shut up!
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- Stop it. You know I don't like him. - He likes you. What's your problem?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- What do you mean? - He thinks you're funny.- Funny?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Yeah.- I'm not. - Know what he does?- I'm serious.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31He comes round when you're asleep, watches you, leans over your bed...
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- Shut up about Charlie. - You can't handle Charlie.- Shut up!
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Have a look at techno-mouse, see how he's doing.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41RAVE MUSIC
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- He's freaking out, Howard. - Why, what's wrong with him?
0:05:48 > 0:05:52- A gram of speed and two microdots. - Get him in the ambient hutch, quick!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55AMBIENT MUSIC
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Drink some water.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Ah, I'll tell you what, Vince.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06When I'm famous, I'll be out of this zoo,
0:06:06 > 0:06:10mixing with high society, living the highlife.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- What about me? - Well, I'd bring you along with me.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Yeah?- You could come along with me.- Cool.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- As a writer, I'd want to focus on the act of writing.- Yeah, yeah.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- I wouldn't want to expend energy on mundane tasks like laundry.- No way.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27You could do it for me. That would help me out.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- Get stuffed! I'm not doing that. - You could make tea for me,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34and hand me pens, as and when I need them.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- What, like a caddy? - You'd like that, wouldn't you?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- No.- You would. You could follow at a discreet distance
0:06:40 > 0:06:43and if I have an idea, you could whip out a Biro...
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- I'm not doing that. - ..carry a pencil case on wheels,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51just behind me, wear a little chequered suit, funny hat.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I don't wear chequered suits.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- I thought you liked dressing up. - Yeah, in ponchos.- The offer's there.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Thanks a lot(!) I'm going to lunch now.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Are you coming?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04No, no, I've got to do some reading.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06You mean you're going to spy on Gideon?
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- No, I've got to do some research for my novel.- Really?- Yeah.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14You should be careful. She's already put in a complaint.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16See you later, Speedy Gonzales.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26What are you doing, Moon?
0:07:26 > 0:07:32- Just reading.- Yeah? I got a problem with the black and white people at the zoo.- Who?
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- The black-eyed Chinese people that eat sticks.- The pandas.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Oh, I'm Howard Moon! I know how to read!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44I know all the animals' names at the zoo.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Yeah, the pandas.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- What's the problem? - Well, apparently,
0:07:49 > 0:07:55and this is on the QT, Bainbridge told me that when the man panda kisses the lady panda,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57they invent new baby pandas,
0:07:57 > 0:08:03- and everybody comes from all over and gives us money. - That's breeding.- Yeah, I know!
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- Hump time!- It's notoriously difficult to get pandas to breed in captivity.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I thought you'd know that.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Yeah, but I got a plan, dingus!
0:08:11 > 0:08:15The man panda won't kiss the lady panda, right?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18So I want you to dress up as the man panda,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20start coming on to the lady...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22# La-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! #
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Make the man panda all jealous.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27He moves in - boom!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Babies all over the place.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31That is possibly the most obscene,
0:08:31 > 0:08:37disgusting, dangerous, humiliating and potentially dangerous thing I've ever heard you say.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Thanks, dude!
0:08:39 > 0:08:43No man should ever, ever be made to dress as a panda.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Why am I doing this, exactly?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Cos you've got a way with the animals, Vince.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- I look ridiculous.- You look great. - I don't look anything like a panda.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- Pandas are short-sighted. That's the beauty of MY scheme.- What do I do?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01You get in the panda lodge with Chi-Chi, dance about erotically,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- make Fu-Fu jealous, bang! - And when Fu-Fu's jealous?
0:09:04 > 0:09:10- Knock on the door and I'll let you out.- What'll you be doing? - I'll be here.- Spying on Gideon?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12No, having my lunch.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Howard.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Howard! Howard!
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Oh, hi there, Mrs Gideon.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Who are you?
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Howard Moon. I work here at the zoo.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59- Why have you got crumbs round your eyes?- Oh, that's just...
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Me and Vince have been playing a game - crumb-eye.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06We have to get crumbs in each other's eyes.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10And, um... The winner gets a rake.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14- That's a good book. I like that. - Have you read it?- Oh, yeah!
0:10:14 > 0:10:20Yeah, twice. I've read it once in the original, and then in the paperback.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Really related to Jonathan. I thought he was great.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26The serial killer?
0:10:28 > 0:10:33Yeah, I mean, as much as, you know, we can all relate to...to a killer.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37- We've all killed in our minds. - What are you talking about?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Well, as a writer, it's, um...
0:10:40 > 0:10:43it's something that I... I have to do.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48I have to get involved in the darker side of the human psyche.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- You're a writer?- Oh, yeah, yeah. Big time. Big time. Love to write.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57It's like a compulsion for me. The written word is like a drug.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00If you cut me, I bleed ink.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04I wrote that - one of the things I've written.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09- Are you a friend of Vince's?- Yeah! - Yes, he's a very nice boy.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18LAUGHTER, SLOW MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:18 > 0:11:23- What's going on here?- What? We're just making him jealous.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- He's jealous now. Let's go! - There's no way!
0:11:26 > 0:11:30She's not interested in him. He's a brute. He takes and takes!
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- There's no way they'll get it on. - OK, Vince. He's jealous now.
0:11:34 > 0:11:41- Just let nature take its course. - No! He's not stealing the glory! I put all the ground work in!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Ground work?!- Yeah!- Come on... - Get off! We have chemistry!
0:11:44 > 0:11:48- What are you looking at?! ..I'm ring you in the week.- Sorry.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03TYPEWRITER CLICKS
0:12:08 > 0:12:11STRONG WIND BLOWS
0:12:29 > 0:12:31WIND IS NO LONGER HEARD
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- LAUGHS TO HIMSELF - Oh, dear...
0:12:42 > 0:12:45WIND IS HEARD AGAIN
0:12:59 > 0:13:02WIND STOPS AGAIN
0:13:12 > 0:13:14WIND IS BACK
0:13:30 > 0:13:33WIND STOPS, COMES BACK, THEN STOPS AGAIN
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Do you mind?!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- WIND BRIEFLY COMES BACK - It was pretty good, though.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45- It sounded exactly like the wind. - Yes, it blew a gale through my mind.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- I can do other elements. - Yeah? Can you do fog?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Howard? ..Howard?
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Howard?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Howard? ..Howard?!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Howard? Howard?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Howard? ..Howard?
0:14:11 > 0:14:16- Howard? Howard? Howard? - This better be good!
0:14:16 > 0:14:21You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantula's eggs?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Please don't speak to me ever again in your life!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- What's your novel about? - HE SIGHS
0:14:32 > 0:14:37A genius who can't work, because a monkey keeps annoying him.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42- You've made a classic error. - Have I(?)- You've focussed in on the wrong character.
0:14:42 > 0:14:48Now... The monkey, I'm loving him. But the other guy, I'm getting nothing off him.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- He sounds like a dick. - Well, Mrs Gideon didn't think so.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56- Mrs Gideon?!- Yeah.- I knew this was what this was about!- What?!
0:14:56 > 0:15:02- You're so transparent. This is only cos you know she likes writers. - I'm not. I've always been a writer.
0:15:02 > 0:15:08- Have you?- Yeah. She's interested in me, cos I'm an intellectual and she's intellectual.- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:15:08 > 0:15:13When we get together, Vince... It's inevitable, but when we do, it'll be incredible.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Poetry evenings every night, we'll both have pipes,
0:15:17 > 0:15:21wrestling with the heavyweight intellectual issues of the day.
0:15:21 > 0:15:27Oh, that sounds dreadful! I like thick girls. Girls who like bright colours, dancing, soft fabrics.
0:15:27 > 0:15:32- Don't you want an equal?- Yeah! So how much have you done, then?
0:15:32 > 0:15:38- Well, it's coming on.- Yeah?- Yeah. It's not really about quantity, when it comes to the modern novel.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- It's more quality of prose. - How much have you done?
0:15:41 > 0:15:46- One sentence, but it's... - What?! One sentence?!
0:15:46 > 0:15:50I fail to see what's funny about that. It's a damn good sentence.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- I'll send it to Hamilton Cork, see what he thinks.- Who?!
0:15:53 > 0:15:58- The publisher - Hamilton Cork. I'll send him this sentence. - I don't think he'll be interested.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03No, that's his philosophy. He can tell with one sentence whether to publish a book or not.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07And I'm gonna send him this. I want you to read it.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11- Oh, I'm all right.- Have a look. - I'm a bit busy...- Look at it!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- I don't really want to! - Why?!- I'm not in the mood.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Just look at it! Don't be stupid!
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- You know what you're like! - What?- You can't take criticism.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Don't be stupid! Go on - read it. Tell me what you think.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- That's really good. It's great.- Yeah?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31The only thing I would say...
0:16:40 > 0:16:43He's a lunatic! Absolutely nut box!
0:16:43 > 0:16:47I can't believe it! He's got anger problems.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51He should go and see Naboo. Naboo'll sort it out.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Naboo's great. He'd sort anything out.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57See you later.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Do you mind? I've got some private zoo business.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:17:13 > 0:17:16KNOCK ON DOOR
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Hello?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- Howard Moon?- Yeah? - It is I - Hamilton Cork.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26I have read your sentence. It was an absolute tour de force!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29You're going to be published and be a famous writer.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36KNOCK ON DOOR
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Hello?- Howard Moon?
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Yeah?- It is I - Hamilton Cork.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I'm looking for Vince Noir.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- I'm Vince.- I found one of your Charlie books in some Weetabix.
0:17:49 > 0:17:55It's an absolute tour de force! It's going to be published, and you'll be a famous writer!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Wow!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- This is the dream, yeah? - No, the other one was.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05- VOICE ECHOES: - NO-O-O-O-O-O!
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Yes.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18- You have a problem with jealousy. - What do you mean?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- I think you're jealous of Vince. - Why would I be jealous?!
0:18:21 > 0:18:25He's successful, he has great hair. He's a great writer.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- What have you got to offer? - I'M a writer!
0:18:28 > 0:18:32- I haven't seen much evidence of that. - Well, I've got writer's block!
0:18:32 > 0:18:37- Cos you're very angry. You can't take criticism.- Everyone's saying that!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40CALM MUSIC PLAYS Now, what I want you to do,
0:18:40 > 0:18:44- is look at the picture of the kittens in a barrel.- Yeah.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- They're having a great time. They're all happy.- Ha-ha.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- The one on the left's Philip. - Philip...- Look at Philip's eyes.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- He's got little eyes. - Whenever you're feeling angry,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- look at Philip... - Look at his face!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01..and your anger will recede like an ocean.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06- HE SIGHS - Thanks, Naboo.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- That'll be 159 euros.- 159...?!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- CALM MUSIC RETURNS - Aw...
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Look at his little face.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- Hey...- Hey!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- How's it going?- Good. What're you doing with my pipe?
0:19:28 > 0:19:33I just borrowed it. I'm going to a party, and you've not been invited.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36CALM MUSIC RETURNS
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- Yeah, that's fine. What party? - It's just a writer's party.
0:19:40 > 0:19:46Dixon Bainbridge's organised it. Hamilton Cork will be there. Apparently, I'm gonna be famous.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- CALM MUSIC RETURNS - Oh, I'm really pleased for you.
0:19:50 > 0:19:56It's a nightmare! Gideon's all over me! She keeps coming round, making me little pastries!
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- CALM MUSIC - Ow! Yeah, I'm cool with that.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05- I'm not interested in Gideon. - Keep away from her.- OK.- You swear?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- I swear.- Swear on Jagger.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11INTRO TO: "Satisfaction" by Rolling Stones
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Oh, come on, Howard!
0:20:17 > 0:20:24- Oh!- It's gonna be all right. I've been thinking - what if you come to the party with me, yeah?
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- Hamilton Cork hasn't seen your sentence.- Yeah.
0:20:28 > 0:20:34- I could put in a word for you. If he likes it, we could both be writers. - Good idea.- How cool will that be?
0:20:34 > 0:20:39- I'm not invited, though. - Don't worry. I've got a way we can sneak you in.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Pencil...!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47HB, please.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Who should I make it out to? - To Jackie.- Cool.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- This is a 2B.- So?
0:20:54 > 0:20:58- I asked for an HB. This is WAY too soft.- OK.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- It's gonna crumble in Jackie's bag. - There. Don't push it, OK?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Pipe, sir?- I'm fine. I've got a pipe.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09A little larger?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- No, I'm fine with this one, all right? Yeah?- Shh.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Remember the kittens.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Relax... Calm, like an ocean.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- How are they working out for you? - Yeah, they're working fine.
0:21:22 > 0:21:27- If you want something more powerful, I've got an otter in a bib.- I'm fine.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Vince! Great to see you!
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- This book'll really put our zoo on the map.- Bainbridge.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47This is Vince right here.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Vince. Great book. Excellent!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- Corky!- Bainbridge! Ho-ho!
0:21:53 > 0:21:59When was it last? Krakatoa, '62. We stayed on an extra day to watch the hanging.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04Yes. God, she struggled! It was as if she didn't want to die!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- Great wedding.- Yah, yah, yah.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- Could I have a quiet word?- Hmm.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Oi, Baudelaire.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Come on.- What?
0:22:16 > 0:22:22- You having fun?- Yeah.- I'm not. When you going to get me in with the big cheese-cutter?- OK.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- I'm just waiting for the right moment.- Let's move it.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- You got your sentence?- Yeah. - Let's go.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33- I talked ages with Jack... Ah, Vince.- Hey!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- My mate Howard is a writer too. - What do YOU want?
0:22:36 > 0:22:42Well, I understand that you can decide whether you want to publish a book or not from the first sentence.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- Yes, that's true.- We used to call him One-Sentence-Cork.
0:22:46 > 0:22:52- Well, I've got a sentence. I'd like you to read it.- If it's only a sentence, I can give it a look.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57- Uh...it's not about golf, is it? - THEY CHUCKLE
0:22:57 > 0:22:58No.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06- Right, have you got your kitten picture?- No, I've dropped it.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- I'll go and look for it.- Howard...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- Yeah?- This is...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13superb.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15What?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- Well, it's excellent.- Is it?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Hmm.
0:23:19 > 0:23:25- Oh. So...you like it, then? - Yes, yes, I do.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Oh.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28You sure?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Mmm.- Anything else to add to that?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33No, no.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Well, there is just one...
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Oh, sorry! - Fossil, get him out of here.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Gideon! I didn't mean to do that. I just... I'm sorry!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Gideon! Gideon! I love you!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Gideon!- Just punched a filly in the face.
0:23:57 > 0:24:04- Quite a day for you, Vince?- Yeah. - We just want to talk you through... a few minor editorial changes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- What changes?- The name.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- But he's called Charlie. - No, the author's name.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Less Vince Noir, more Dixon Bainbridge.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19- But then everyone will think you wrote it.- You catch on fast, fool. - You can't do that.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Can I not? Did you copyright it?
0:24:22 > 0:24:27- I photocopied it.- You prick! Get rid of him, Fossil.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32When Charlie finds out about this, he's gonna be furious. He'll come for you.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37He thinks Charlie's real. This guy's priceless. Good day, sir.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- You're in a Hubba Bubba nightmare. - Good day, sir!
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Well done, Bainbridge - your first novel.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49- I didn't know you had it in you.- One doesn't like to blow one's own pipe.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:25:10 > 0:25:12# My darling gum, my darling gum My bubble gum
0:25:12 > 0:25:15# My darling gum, my darling gum My bubble gum
0:25:15 > 0:25:17# My darling gum, my darling gum My bubble gum
0:25:17 > 0:25:21# My darling gum, my darling gum My bubble gum...
0:25:21 > 0:25:25# Bursting your bubble Like a Hubba Bubba nightmare
0:25:29 > 0:25:33# Pink, thick goo Fill me, do me justice
0:25:33 > 0:25:37# Pink, thick goo Fill me, do me justice
0:25:37 > 0:25:40# Wrapping around your heart Round your ribcage
0:25:40 > 0:25:42# Round your heart, your mind, Your soul
0:25:45 > 0:25:48# Bursting your bubble Like a Hubba Bubba nightmare
0:25:48 > 0:25:53# Bursting your bubble Like a Hubba Bubba nightmare! #
0:26:03 > 0:26:06ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Can't believe it. Mrs Gideon getting off with that panda like that.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Yeah.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- What went wrong? - You did punch her in the face.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- Yeah, I suppose so.- You idiot!
0:26:35 > 0:26:40- I don't know what you're so happy about, it's your panda she went off with.- Ah, well.
0:26:40 > 0:26:46- You lose your panda, you lose the book deal, you're still happy as a bean.- It's this poncho.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50I can't believe it. It's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Don't worry, Howard. I've got a surprise for you.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- Check this out!- Great(!)- Come on.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06It's not working.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Give it a couple of minutes.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS
0:27:21 > 0:27:26- Hi, I hope you enjoyed the show tonight...- Hi. I'm really impressed with your work,
0:27:26 > 0:27:32and I wondered if you'd be interested in being in my devised piece about sleepwalking.
0:27:32 > 0:27:38- It's called Autumn Magnets and I think you'd be ideal for the lead role.- What's happening?
0:27:38 > 0:27:44- I'm very impressed with Vince's work.- Really?- I'm going to be in Autumn Magnets.- I'm very proud.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48- It will be...- Listen, I invited you on the show out of kindness,
0:27:48 > 0:27:54- so what do you think you're playing at, you conker-headed berk? - Don't mess with me - 29-er.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58It will be Equity minimum, but the per diems are very, very good...
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Subtitles by BBC Broadcast 2004
0:28:06 > 0:28:09E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk